FabSwingers.com forum: Dementia.

By *parkle1974 OP Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

Dementia...The longest goodbye ever.

In my profession I deal with people who have dementia. It's a cruel and unforgiving disease. I witness first hand the devastation this causes family members and some struggle to come to terms with how their loved ones act/are.

The person affected remains oblivious and are happy in their own little word but each day their family lose another little piece of their loved ones.

I thought with my training and job, I would be strong enough to deal with dementia but now that it has hit so very close to home, I am really struggling.

To those of you who may be in this situation and are coping, I applaud you x

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By *incs ImpMan
over a year ago

Lincoln

My dad has dementia, it is so heartbreaking to watch him and my mum struggle. I can only offer a big virtual hug to you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It is one the hardest things to deal with as isn't like other terminal disease where you know that 6/12 months later things end. My Nan who I had living with me in the end, went on for nearly 15 years, starting on with forgetfulness then in the end not even knowing how to drink water. It was heartbreaking and the carers who came each day were amazing, how they can invest so much and get little back I do not know.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By *he Mac LassWoman
over a year ago

Hefty Hideaway

Ah Sparkle. It’s one of the cruellest diseases to watch steal your person a bit more every day.

I find it hard to deal with the temper tantrums and aggression without losing the plot myself.

I have no advice. Just take it day by day and make sure you look after yourself as well.

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By *parkle1974 OP Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

"Ah Sparkle. It’s one of the cruellest diseases to watch steal your person a bit more every day.

I find it hard to deal with the temper tantrums and aggression without losing the plot myself.

I have no advice. Just take it day by day and make sure you look after yourself as well. "

Thank you. I thought with all my training and knowledge I would be ok but that has all gone out the window xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dementia is absolutely heartbreaking. You spend every day grieving for a person who may still be here physically, but not mentally. It’s the cruellest of illnesses!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Watched EVERY female in my mothers family slowly succumb to this terrible affliction

Then my mother in law was diagnosed and watched her suffer for a decade before losing the fight

I even watched a friend die as young as 55 with dementia. Non smoker, drinker, bible bashing former Boys Brigade Captain gone at 55

Yes I am 60 and hope it never reaches me

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By *eeBee67Man
over a year ago

Masked and Distant

Such a cruel disease, especially for the families.

Have worked in EMI care homes as part of my job and I have so much respect for the staff.

Sending you hugs and best wishes.

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By *ooking4othersMan
over a year ago

Here ...

What would you tell others? Your feeling it because its personal ... you will come to terms with it ... but for now you are grieving for the person you lost / are losing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I deal with dementia in my profession too, on a daily basis, and it's so sad to see the impact it has on families in particular.

I remember during my nursing training, we had speakers come in and talk about Dementia. They were all family members of their loved ones who had, or have dementia of some capacity. I remember they all said something similar, which really upset me and many other students.

She said 'There would be many times where they would come and go like a light switch in their cognition and memory. Sometimes I wish their light would remain off, and forget me altogether, so it wouldn't give me hope that they are still there, and also it wouldn't frustrate them when they would forget me again and get frustrated when they tried to remember.'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have no advice. Just take it day by day and make sure you look after yourself as well. "

This is so important. Your loved one seems to be almost safe in their new world. On the other hand you’re being torn apart. If you can, get someone else to sit with them for an hour whilst you have some me time.

My mother was severely demented She was one of eleven siblings and all bar one got dementia. I’m terrified!

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

I’m in this situation and it’s literally breaking my heart.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Dementia is absolutely heartbreaking. You spend every day grieving for a person who may still be here physically, but not mentally. It’s the cruellest of illnesses!

Exactly this

Watching my father go through it was by far the most challenging time of my life, and seeing him become less and less of the person I love was the most upsetting.

My heart goes out to anyone going through the illness, but even more for their family and loved ones.

My feelings were totally torn when he died because he was gone from my life, but at the same time I was so relieved because the frustration he was experiencing right through it was horrible for him.

Big hugs to everyone who posts here for caring enough to take the time to show you care

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

I work in a dementia unit. It is easy to stay professional at work as that is what we are trained to do but many mornings I have gone home and cried loads. Dementia is cruel.

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By *odgerMooreMan
over a year ago

Fulwood

My dad had it they said he’ll last 18 months tops - he lasted 11 years - I saw the strong guy, entrepreneur, fade slowly away with less and less lucid moments and eventually he withdrew completely - no recognition of people or his surroundings- the latter maybe a blessing - then just day by day fade away - made me an advocate for assisted euthanasia - to go with dignity on your terms. A protracted awful experience.

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By *dam1971Man
over a year ago

Bedford

I don’t work in the caring profession but I guess a part of the training is to de-personalise it? You can deal with it professionally because it’s not happening to someone close to you.

When that changes, I can’t imagine how tough it must be. My heart goes out to you x

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By *parkle1974 OP Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

"What would you tell others? Your feeling it because its personal ... you will come to terms with it ... but for now you are grieving for the person you lost / are losing."

I thought if I kept my professional head on then I could rationalise it better but it has utterly destroyed me x

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

"What would you tell others? Your feeling it because its personal ... you will come to terms with it ... but for now you are grieving for the person you lost / are losing.

I thought if I kept my professional head on then I could rationalise it better but it has utterly destroyed me x"

Me too. I only read your post and I’m in tears again. It’s awful.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What would you tell others? Your feeling it because its personal ... you will come to terms with it ... but for now you are grieving for the person you lost / are losing.

I thought if I kept my professional head on then I could rationalise it better but it has utterly destroyed me x"

It’s good you’ve recognised and admitted this to yourself. You can now try to do something to mend it a bit. Ask others for help

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By *parkle1974 OP Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

"What would you tell others? Your feeling it because its personal ... you will come to terms with it ... but for now you are grieving for the person you lost / are losing.

I thought if I kept my professional head on then I could rationalise it better but it has utterly destroyed me x

Me too. I only read your post and I’m in tears again. It’s awful. "

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through it too x

I haven’t stopped crying since I heard the news when I'm alone xx

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

"What would you tell others? Your feeling it because its personal ... you will come to terms with it ... but for now you are grieving for the person you lost / are losing.

I thought if I kept my professional head on then I could rationalise it better but it has utterly destroyed me x

Me too. I only read your post and I’m in tears again. It’s awful.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through it too x

I haven’t stopped crying since I heard the news when I'm alone xx"

I knew it was coming but it didn’t make it any easier. If it’s family or someone close you also need a hell of a lot of patience.

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By *he Mac LassWoman
over a year ago

Hefty Hideaway

"Ah Sparkle. It’s one of the cruellest diseases to watch steal your person a bit more every day.

I find it hard to deal with the temper tantrums and aggression without losing the plot myself.

I have no advice. Just take it day by day and make sure you look after yourself as well.

Thank you. I thought with all my training and knowledge I would be ok but that has all gone out the window xx"

It’s unbelievably hard but I imagine it’s natural to not be professional about it.

I moved back to look after dad a couple of years ago and we’re still in the early stages. Hoping we can hold off the worst for a while longer.

Some days though the only thing that helps is a mega cry.

Lots of love to everyone affected x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My dad had dementia it's horrible condition you lose them twice. Add in heart troubles mobility problems it's tought he passed away five years ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

6 years ago today we said goodbye to my

Lovely nanny who had Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia for 11 long years she fought but we lost her long before it before it took her and stripped her of all her dignity and being. She passed peacefully a week before her 90th birthday, I was a dementia link nurse in my previous role. I have a tattoo of forger me nots for this exact reason. It’s a cause very close to my heart.

RIP Nanny.

So sorry for anyone experiencing this with their family or friends. It’s the cruelest for the family.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mum has dementia, there are periods, day after day, that she is wailing as if she’s in a constant nightmare.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Sorry you're dealing with this op. It's not easy for anybody.

I hope you have support

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

My Dad has vascular dementia plus possibly Alzheimer's. He's 82. He's starting to get to the point where he can't cope with certain things on his own, like managing his finances. I have absolutely no idea how we'll cope if he gets to the point of needing more care. My brother isn't a great deal of help, unfortunately. Dad has really started regressing and living in the past. He talks about his parents a lot and about his Grandad (who died in 1946).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ah Sparkle. It’s one of the cruellest diseases to watch steal your person a bit more every day.

I find it hard to deal with the temper tantrums and aggression without losing the plot myself.

I have no advice. Just take it day by day and make sure you look after yourself as well.

Thank you. I thought with all my training and knowledge I would be ok but that has all gone out the window xx"

Look after yourself, too. Form experience, it isn’t possible to do it at work and at home. Something has to give x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its a truly awful disease, my mum suffered with it watched her get slowly worse for about 4yrs,she couldn't remember what she had said or done 10mins previous, rang my wife 3 or 4 times an hour everyday asking the same bloody question drove my wife and me to despair but what do you do they cant help it.

Sadly about 4yrs ago she was taken by pancreatic cancer, took her to A&E one day as had breathing problems while there they found the cancer it had gone into her liver and stomach also,they gave her 8wks ,she lasted 7. Ironically the dementia meant she didnt know where she was or that she was ill,she passed away 3mins past midnight just made it into mothers day she was 87.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Ah Sparkle. It’s one of the cruellest diseases to watch steal your person a bit more every day.

I find it hard to deal with the temper tantrums and aggression without losing the plot myself.

I have no advice. Just take it day by day and make sure you look after yourself as well.

Thank you. I thought with all my training and knowledge I would be ok but that has all gone out the window xx

Look after yourself, too. Form experience, it isn’t possible to do it at work and at home. Something has to give x"

Good advice. It's very important to look after yourself. Often people who aren't directly involved or who only see the person infrequently have no idea of the reality of the situationbor choose to turn a blind eye. They laugh things off or trivialise concerns.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Its a truly awful disease, my mum suffered with it watched her get slowly worse for about 4yrs,she couldn't remember what she had said or done 10mins previous, rang my wife 3 or 4 times an hour everyday asking the same bloody question drove my wife and me to despair but what do you do they cant help it.

Very sad. I'm sorry

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Very sad. I'm sorry"

Thanks i still miss her now, but glad she isn't suffering anymore.

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By *gent CoulsonMan
over a year ago

Secret hideaway in the pennines

I lost my dad to it this week, but the person who was.my dad, I lost about 5 years ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I lost my dad to it this week, but the person who was.my dad, I lost about 5 years ago"

Sorry to hear that,and thats another twist you loose the person twice, so so sad.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yep, dealing with this too. Early stages and she's ok in the moment, except she has the memory of a goldfish. Struggling with timelines, confusing the past with the here and now. Good thing is she doesn't get scared or aggressive and she still recognises me, and can cope at home, with a daily help. If she loses recognition or fails to cope, that will be significant. I think when you get to the point that you don't recognise the person inside anymore, it becomes incredibly difficult to bear.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Horrible disease.

But what a brilliant and noble job you have if not at times very difficult too

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"Yep, dealing with this too. Early stages and she's ok in the moment, except she has the memory of a goldfish. Struggling with timelines, confusing the past with the here and now. Good thing is she doesn't get scared or aggressive and she still recognises me, and can cope at home, with a daily help. If she loses recognition or fails to cope, that will be significant. I think when you get to the point that you don't recognise the person inside anymore, it becomes incredibly difficult to bear."

My Dad gets very angry. I think it's because he knows (to some extent at least) that he's either not making sense or can't convey what he wants to get across. For him, language is becoming impacted quite quickly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Father is a good film. Harrowing though.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Very sad. I'm sorry

Thanks i still miss her now, but glad she isn't suffering anymore."

It's a double edged sword isn't it. You would never wish a aren't dead but neither would you wish this drawn out awfulness on them. I wish there was a safe space for the relatives and carers of the very elderly to say exactly how they feel without judgement.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I lost my dad to it this week, but the person who was.my dad, I lost about 5 years ago"

I'm very sorry to hear that

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

My mum has become very compliant which is most unlike her. Also when I was washing her hands the other day she said "you've always had lovely small hands" which is most unlike her. She has very poor short term memory and can literally forget conversations as soon as they're finished. My father on the other hand has become extremely unreasonable, highly anxious and obsessed with money to the point he sits watching the electric fire counting the minutes until the thermostat clicks it on. That's one reason we've told him not to get a smart meter

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Was he an angry man before? I've noticed that certain characteristics my parents had have become magnified.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

Was he an angry man before? I've noticed that certain characteristics my parents had have become magnified."

He's always been short tempered but not angry, per se. His short temper is now even shorter and the frustration he obviously feels just spills out. His lack of a filter has certainly been magnified. He was always pretty free with verbalising his thoughts but now the filter is very much off

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

Terrible disease. All my sympathies to anyone involved.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Was he an angry man before? I've noticed that certain characteristics my parents had have become magnified.

Ah yes the filter off facility

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 05/11/21 21:00:30]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We keep finding my Dad watching porn quite openly on his laptop

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

The slightly weird thing about me and my Dad is that I have absolutely no first hand knowledge of him as anything other than a middle aged man or older. He was 47 when I was born, and let's say I have memories from being 5yrs old, so my Dad was already 52. He's now 82. I'm in the same position care wise as my work colleagues who are in their 50s and 60s who have much older/adult children, whereas I'm having to do this with a 4yo who needs me to be at home. I feel incredibly split. I can't be in two places at once.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

My dad had dimentia...died a husk of the man I knew...one of the problems I had to deal with is when to say goodbye... there's no good time as he grew less coherent and who I called dad had left months before he died

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By *ipvanwinkieMan
over a year ago

out of town!

Was he an angry man before? I've noticed that certain characteristics my parents had have become magnified.

My granny started swearing which initially was really shocking but we quickly became used to it. She became really frustrated and difficult too which was completely at odds with how she was prior to the onset of it all.

My cousin moved in with her for a while but it was very hard. When she went into care she broke her hip and was operated on bud she would forget she couldn’t get up and would try to get out of bed all the time. She ended up re-breaking it and was off her feet then. She didn’t last long after that

For my dad and his brothers and sister it was very hard to see her change, then go downhill as rapidly as she did. In the end when she passed it was a relief for all, as she was unrecognisable in the end. It literally peeled every strip of pride and dignity she had and that was the hardest part.

My parents are getting older now and it’s a constant worry. My elder brother is in the US and my younger one, I don’t think he’d cope too well. I try not to dwell on it.

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By *parkle1974 OP Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

Thank you everyone for your comments. I am sorry a lot of you are going through the same xx

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"We keep finding my Dad watching porn quite openly on his laptop

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"We keep finding my Dad watching porn quite openly on his laptop

I'm well aware my Dad watches porn. He most probably had (has?) a profile on here at some point. I'm pretty sure he used to go to Townhouse too. I don't think he does any more.

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By *ipvanwinkieMan
over a year ago

out of town!

"Thank you everyone for your comments. I am sorry a lot of you are going through the same xx"

Not at all. You’re very much not alone. I hope it’s helped, verbalising some of it x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"The slightly weird thing about me and my Dad is that I have absolutely no first hand knowledge of him as anything other than a middle aged man or older. He was 47 when I was born, and let's say I have memories from being 5yrs old, so my Dad was already 52. He's now 82. I'm in the same position care wise as my work colleagues who are in their 50s and 60s who have much older/adult children, whereas I'm having to do this with a 4yo who needs me to be at home. I feel incredibly split. I can't be in two places at once. "

No, you can't. Sorry but I don't have an answer.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Thank you everyone for your comments. I am sorry a lot of you are going through the same xx"

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this on a personal level. It is a cruel disease.

Professionally you help people like me, like us, by caring for our affected loved ones. It's OK to not be your professional self - you need to someone to help you now. How can you detach from someone you love without it affecting you?

What you have is some preparation for the stages, excellent knowledge for communicating with the professionals (and not getting fobbed off), and knowledge about best care standards and management. Getting the right meds at the right time make a difference to someone's wellbeing.

Caring for my mother helped me into a breakdown. Getting her a place in a care home saved our family. I am grateful for the genuinely warm care she received, particularly in her last days when everyone going off shift came into her room to check on her and say goodbye. Then, five carers came to her funeral on their day off.

to all of you going through the challenge of caring for someone with dementia.

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By *ipvanwinkieMan
over a year ago

out of town!

Love to you all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its just cruel.

Love to anyone dealing with it x

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By *ersey GirlCouple
over a year ago

Glasgow

I work in this field. It amazes me the amount of residents who don't get visits or phone calls from their families. It's absolutely heart breaking. A 5 minute phone call just makes their day. We spend 12 hours a day with these beautiful people with amazing stories to tell. Even the ones that can't tell you anymore or talk. Just hearing your voice can make the world of difference. If you have a family member in a care home just phone them

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By *arker secrets 321Man
over a year ago

West Bromwich

My dad ad it and it broke my heart 2 watch him not know wot he's ad 4 his breakfast but could still tell u wot happened wen he was a kid

.gratefull he know who we all were b4 he died ..then my mom showed signs of it wen she was in care home she would ask were is ur dad ..I'd say he's at home mom with tears in my eyes ... sending hugs 2 all x

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By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

Lost my Mum to dementia after I had only just got back in contact with her.

I thought there was something wrong as I flew out to see her one weekend and she stood me up. I took it the wrong way and only now I realise it was probably her illness.

Saw her lots before the end but it was very cruel to her.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I work in this field. It amazes me the amount of residents who don't get visits or phone calls from their families. It's absolutely heart breaking. A 5 minute phone call just makes their day. We spend 12 hours a day with these beautiful people with amazing stories to tell. Even the ones that can't tell you anymore or talk. Just hearing your voice can make the world of difference. If you have a family member in a care home just phone them

It doesn't surprise me that lots of care home residents don't get visits or phone calls. The beautiful people with amazing stories that you see might have been quite different with their family.

It would take a lot for me to stop contact with my parents in fact I doubt I ever would but I have had to step back emotionally for my own mental health. My brothers rarely contact them or see them

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Lost my Mum to dementia after I had only just got back in contact with her.

I thought there was something wrong as I flew out to see her one weekend and she stood me up. I took it the wrong way and only now I realise it was probably her illness.

Saw her lots before the end but it was very cruel to her. "

Looking back there are lots of small signs that it's easy to misinterpret. Glad you saw her a lot before the end

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

I work in this field too but never judge. I have held many peoples hand as they died because family members chose not to be there at the end. I have also witnessed many with no visitors but again I never judge.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

My mum will tell people that her son's never phone her but when one of my brothers who lives in the far East said he was going to call and asked the best time she said she didn't want to speak to him as it would upset her.

I said countless times that I would clean their house for them, she refused every time. Eventually I managed to get her to agree to a cleaner. The lady I employed on her behalf knocked on my door after her first shift to tell me that my mum had broken down in tears when she finished because "nobody had cleaned for such a long time"

. Obviously this woman got the impression that I was happy to just let them live in the dust.

I could give many more examples of this kind of behaviour.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I meant to add that's why I'm happy that you don't judge

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some relatives just can't deal with it and find it easier to cut contact. Sad, but everyone has their own way of dealing with things and like you say it isn't for us to judge

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By *nfin8yWoman
over a year ago

Newcastle-under-Lyme

to all who are going through this. Like

many others who have posted I've nursed and supported individuals with dementia and their families. My mum had Alzheimer’s dementia and at times I felt at my wits end and powerless. Fortunately my brother and I had each other to lean on for support and then later the fantastic team of truly caring people in the care home.

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By *udistcpl1Couple
over a year ago

Wirral

Not quite the same but last year I ended up in hospital with an infection (sepsis) so I had just a small taste of what it must be like to suffer with dementia. I didn't know where I was, or what I was doing there. Luckily, it only lasted for about 5 days. The nurses were angels.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw both both my parents go this way, within 10 days of each other and now I have another relative, I help with, going the same way. I will not let my kids see me like this. I don't want that to be their last memory of me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my grandfather in August. He had dementia. He was only 70, was a heart attack but I genuinely think his heart was broken. He started having these quirks and would talk but never listen. Would count everything, would tell you what time the street lights would come on. Would call people by different names. Would clap for seagulls and birds or if he saw kids he would wave at them. He would walk everywhere and catch buses and get lost. It was getting a bit out of control and as a family was thinking about a home but he was fully functioning really, didn’t want carers. Wouldn’t listen to anyone. He was walking into peoples houses and banging on their windows and cos he looked ‘normal’ he was getting himself in trouble. We would take him out between us all every day someone was taking him out but he’d wait till he got home and go straight back out. He wouldn’t let one of us go and live with him. I was getting pain in the arse which is the most disgusting thing to say cos I lived with him since I was a teenager. The guilt I feel is unreal. I hope he couldn’t feel that he was getting a menace. It wasn’t even him it was the illness. Some stupid bitch filmed him and put it on Facebook cos he was down the beach and was clapping and waving at the seagulls and the kids and this girl filmed him on her phone saying look at this peedo and saying really nasty things. I found out who she was and went to her house and I was gonna batter her if she didn’t delete the video but she did. I feel like his heart knew that the world was too cruel so it just gave up.

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By *3xymamaWoman
over a year ago

Uptown Top Ranking

Sending love to all who are dealing with dementia. Whether it be in a personal or professional level.

This is one of the reasons I love fab and stay on here. It's the care and support offered by the fab community.

Take care everyone and know you're great people

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By *xbanana2Man
over a year ago

addlestone

I have vascular dementia , tbh im not aware of many problems until someone points out to me the things i have forgotten......they all seem to be recent and not long term memories that have gone .

How long until im a problem ? I dont know

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By *ordo320Man
over a year ago

Gatwick

To anyone dealing with it at the moment, my heart goes out to you. To those that care for them in holes and hospitals, thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart.

I went though the process with my father and early onset dementia. What happened next and the path that was followed I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemies. From home care to care homes, committed then in specialist hospitals. Seeing the man you most admire turn into a shell of himself then into nothing at all.

Care homes are awful places, but then your eyes are well and truly opened when you go to a psychiatric hospital then a specialist dementia hospital. Knowing the only path things will go and that apart from the dementia he was fit and healthy.

I’m scared shitless that the same thing may happen to me in the future and it’s changed the way I live my life. I live far more for the now than I did previously planning for the future.

Enjoy what you have as you don’t know when it’ll all be gone.

I don’t think I’ve ever spoken publicly about this either! But if anyone wishes to chat, just say hi

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By *ordo320Man
over a year ago

Gatwick

"To anyone dealing with it at the moment, my heart goes out to you. To those that care for them in holes and hospitals, thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart.

First para was meant to be “care for them in homes and hospitals”

Ooops!

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

Sorry to hear your views on care homes but just want to point out that not all care homes are bad. We love and care for our residents as if they were family and do everything we can to make their everyday life as comfortable and enjoyable in everyway possible.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sorry to hear your views on care homes but just want to point out that not all care homes are bad. We love and care for our residents as if they were family and do everything we can to make their everyday life as comfortable and enjoyable in everyway possible."

No doubt there are some dumps who treat residents like shit but there are many excellent care homes with excellent staff who see residents as part of their own family even whilst getting paid shit money. Don't tar all with the same shitty brush

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

. Obviously this woman got the impression that I was happy to just let them live in the dust.

I could give many more examples of this kind of behaviour. "

My Dad rang me on Tuesday and told me he'd not seen me or my daughter for months and months. We'd visited exactly one week prior and taken him for a day out, but obviously he does not recall any of it. I'm sure he tells people outside the family all sorts. He cobbles together bits of information his brain can retrieve and invents things that have never happened but sound plausible to people who don't know him.

I would like it for people not to judge.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

My mum's been in several care homes for respite and they've all done the best they can for her. We're running out of local places she'll agree to go to though for various reasons.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

. Obviously this woman got the impression that I was happy to just let them live in the dust.

I could give many more examples of this kind of behaviour.

I would like it for people not to judge. "

The thing is that until you've lived it you can't really understand. I know people think I'm exaggerating.

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By *ordo320Man
over a year ago

Gatwick

I hope it wasn’t me you’re replying too. I hope it didn’t read badly. The care that was given was outstanding at every point in the system. It was seeing both my father and others suffering from their illnesses and how he would progress that I hated to see and wouldn’t wish on anyone. I hope that makes sense.

The staff were always fantastic, it’s a job I really couldn’t do and I appreciated and admired them all so much. One nurse in the royal Edinburgh would sing to my father and that would calm him down when nothing else would. I will never forget all the help he received and how I and my family appreciated it.

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By *xbanana2Man
over a year ago

addlestone

Thankyou for all the messages , it means alot ?

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By *heOriginalLoisWoman
over a year ago

London

My mother has vascular dementia caused by damage to the brain following a stroke.

Up until then she was in her 70's and going to the gym 5 days a week.

Now somedays she is a sharp as a tack and will have the most lucid conversations with you. Others I have to try and translate what she is saying as she will use random words.

She finds it frustrating and gets angry or cries like a baby.

Last week following a stroke, whilst we were in Newcastle, she sat in the hospital begging me to take her home, tears pouring down her face. You would have thought it was a child who had just been told they were not getting anything on their Christmas list.

That upset me more than being scared by another stroke.

On Monday following up with the GP I was asked about a DNR for her.

Whilst I know she will never get better, whilst it was in my head I guess I could pretend it isn't the beginning of the end.

Anybody going through this you have my admiration and love. It is tough. Becoming a parent to your own parent is bloody tough. And a little bit of my heart breaks every day.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"My mother has vascular dementia caused by damage to the brain following a stroke.

Up until then she was in her 70's and going to the gym 5 days a week.

Now somedays she is a sharp as a tack and will have the most lucid conversations with you. Others I have to try and translate what she is saying as she will use random words.

She finds it frustrating and gets angry or cries like a baby.

That upset me more than being scared by another stroke.

On Monday following up with the GP I was asked about a DNR for her.

Whilst I know she will never get better, whilst it was in my head I guess I could pretend it isn't the beginning of the end.

Anybody going through this you have my admiration and love. It is tough. Becoming a parent to your own parent is bloody tough. And a little bit of my heart breaks every day. "

Sorry you're experiencing this.

I'm telling you this because I find it helps to realise you're not alone in this not to make it into a competition. My mum has had a brain injury and several strokes. She often calls me from the hospital crying and asking if she's dying of it they've told me she is, in the days when visiting patients was possible she would cry and say she just wanted to go home and she couldn't because none of us wanted her to. I don't know if it's any help to you but I find that she calms down if I'm very matter of fact with her father than overtly sympathetic.

As you can see there are a few of us in this unenviable position. You're not on your own

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By *eavenscentitCouple
over a year ago

barnstaple

People living with dementia are the most vulnerable to abuse. It's a cruel, horrible condition

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterwords he’s sitting the the doctor’s office and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, “I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer’s.” The man replies, “well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

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By *parkle1974 OP Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

"A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterwords he’s sitting the the doctor’s office and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, “I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer’s.” The man replies, “well, at least I don’t have cancer.”"

I know they say that laughter is thr best medicine but seriously not on this occasion.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

How are you feeling about it all today Sparkle?

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By *parkle1974 OP Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

"How are you feeling about it all today Sparkle?"

I've been working a 12 hour shift. I'm scared to stop incase my mind takes over x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"How are you feeling about it all today Sparkle?

I've been working a 12 hour shift. I'm scared to stop incase my mind takes over x"

Would it help to get it out on here?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How are you feeling about it all today Sparkle?

I've been working a 12 hour shift. I'm scared to stop incase my mind takes over x"

If you ever fancy a chat and a drink, I think we’re local! Dementia is bloody hard, don’t feel you need to suffer in silence x

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"How are you feeling about it all today Sparkle?

I've been working a 12 hour shift. I'm scared to stop incase my mind takes over x

Would it help to get it out on here? "

^^^This. I've found it cathartic to find others who have similar experiences......

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

Hugs to you, Sparkle. My mum died earlier this year after three years of going downhill with dementia. It's tough and we feel for you. Luke

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By *parkle1974 OP Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

Thank you everyone. I just need to get out of professional mode and into daughter mode. Maybe once I do that I'll see things more clearly xx

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"How are you feeling about it all today Sparkle?

I've been working a 12 hour shift. I'm scared to stop incase my mind takes over x

Would it help to get it out on here?

^^^This. I've found it cathartic to find others who have similar experiences......"

Same. I think it's because most people either don't understand or simply think you're over reacting

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When My Mum died I had to break the news to my Dad, although they were actually only a few rooms apart in the care home. Trouble was he kept forgetting she'd died, and he'd either say something or make to go and see her. I had to tell him each time, and it was always like he was hearing it for the first time. That was hard.

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

I apologise as obviously read your post in the wrong way. Thank you for making it clearer.

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By *asters_kittenCouple
over a year ago

Luton

My job as a live in carer means I spend 2 weeks at a time with my amazing clients one on one.

I would not do any other job, I have met the most amazing people that you could imagine.

Admittedly not all my clients are last stage dementia which means I get to learn a lot about their early years.

Although these memories may be jumbled in time, sit and listen and never correct or ask direct questions as it means they have to search their memories for answers which they can not always do depending on the time they have had dementia.

Dementia is a cruel desiese and you are correct, a lot of my clients are happy in their own little "time space".

Let them tell you if they are able about their lives as their memories will go very far back, it is new memories that they lose the capacity to make, however, someone with dementia will greatly remember feelings so if they are able then dance with them, play music, read poetry.

It is awful when I see how they do not remember their family members as the memories they poses of their children are of when they were small children, hence why they do not recognise them in the here and now.

Big hugs to any members here today who has a family member with dementia or alzheimer's.

Kitten xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hate it when people suffer. Prayers go out to all in the hope a miracle cure will be found so that they suffer no more and bring back fond memory's. Love to all...

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By *innWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire

R"
You're a professional , it's your job and you aren't so emotionally attached .I can suggest some reasons why maybe they don't ring or visit which I can empathise with .It is heartbreaking to see your relative with the disease .Most of the time they might not even know you when you visit .I visited my mother several times a week even though it was daunting and I did feel very sorry for those who didn't have visitors at all .I made sure my mother had decent clothes, some had no one to bring them new clothes or treats . By the time they get into care with dementia it often advanced and the relatives might have had many years of stress caring for their relatives unpaid .So if relatives choose to bury their heads in the sand it might be avoidance of a very distressing and draining situation .It is a shame that a lot of patients don't get visitors of course . One Christmas I stayed the whole day and only a few other relatives arrived. Sometimes when leaving her my mother became distressed and didn't want me to go , othertimes she didn't know me .Most of the time the residents thought I was visiting them as well...such is the nature of the illness .We've no idea what is going on in their heads .

In moments of lucidity my mother was distressed and realised she had dementia and wanted me to take her home .That was really hard .I forced myself to visit as it was my duty and I cared , but I think I'd rather have been on the staff and not traumatised by witnessing my own mother descend into a living hell .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I rarely phoned or visited my mum when she was in a care home, in fact i didn't phone her at home in her later years because of various reasons

1 .. she struggled to understand how to listen and speak on a phone

2 .. it often upset her to hear or see me, she always said I'd put her in a home so i could take her money. She didn't say that to any of my siblings.

3 .. when visiting her she would frequently get very angry with me or upset and often tried to leave with me.

Hence phoning and visiting her wasn't a good thing and didn't help her at all.

I have worked in a care home too and many residents were the same as my mum.

Once mum got to the stage that she had no idea who i was then i did visit again. Sadly she spent a lot of her time upset anyway, they eventually got her medication sorted so that she was no longer upset. Although it was very difficult to get her to take medication anyway.

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By *opilotMan
over a year ago

Heathrow

My heart goes out to you Sparkle and everyone else whose loved one has this cruel disease. I lost my Dad 3 years ago, but we lost the man before that. It is so hard on everyone watching them fade each day, having the same conversation over and over again, but for them it is the first time. I learnt to just respond as if it was the first time I was hearing the story. Try not to correct them on facts, there is no need to, if they think its Saturday then its Saturday. It will only frustrate them. I hate to say this but in the end it was a blessing when he passed.

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By *airycubbyMan
over a year ago

Brighton

I hear you & feel for you. I work as an OT in mental health & have & do work with adults (from age 30 up) with Dementia (not exclusively. I find there can be positives, but impact on family & carers is very much underestimated. I always try & go the extra mile. Having a family member go through it is heartbreaking. Sending hugs ??

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By *essie.Woman
over a year ago

Serendipity

I helped care for my maternal grandmother who got far worse when we lost her only child, my Mum. One of my siblings and I cared for her at home for 3 years, but eventually she had to go into a care home, as she had gone into hospital. I learnt to go along with what she said, like she thought she was 100 not 89 and we did have some good times, even in the care home. In a way, I was relieved when she passed, as she was no longer the grandmother I remembered. Still miss her. It’s a dreadful disease, my thoughts with anyone living with it or with family members who have it now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sparkle thank you so much for this post which has become one of the most heart warming ever on here. This tends to be a fantasy site with peoples dreams to the fore. You kicked something off that shows just how real and human some people are on here . Normally following a thread I would be branching off looking at profiles attached to the thumbnail pics of tits, bums, pussies and even cocks. With this thread it hasn't happened once as people spill out their thoughts and hearts. It restores my faith in human nature . I've had dementia in my family my father had it and what really affected me was at the end I would visit despite not having a clue who i was his ramblings included all sorts of things about his past that were never mentioned , what happened in the war and women in his life etc leaving so many unanswered questions. The doctor told me that they were probably true but nobody knows for sure. So thank you again Sparkle from someone who has reached an age ,70, when everytime I forget someones name, the right word etc is a worry but i know that the fact it worries me means I'm ok. Thanks to all the other contributers too i usually have various reactions to posts on here not just the obvious ones but this is the first that had bought tears to my eyes xxxxxxxxxxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ah Sparkle. It’s one of the cruellest diseases to watch steal your person a bit more every day.

I find it hard to deal with the temper tantrums and aggression without losing the plot myself.

I have no advice. Just take it day by day and make sure you look after yourself as well.

Thank you. I thought with all my training and knowledge I would be ok but that has all gone out the window xx"

So sorry to read what you are going through. It really is a cruel disease and it is exhausting m/heartbreaking and I think you feel every emotion on the planet when a loved on is suffering.

My Nan in law had Dementia, my son would visit her everyday, then one day she got upset because she didn't recognise him, she was remembering him as a little boy and didn't recognise the man stood in front of her

Then when my Father in law died we made the decision not to tell her because we didn't want her to go through the perpetual cycle of forgetting, then being told and forgetting. Broke my heart not to tell her but but better than breaking hers perpetually

Just look after yourself and don't feel guilty for taking time for you. Hope you have support too

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By *nimaginativeUsernameMan
over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

My Dad’s suffering from this, and I think Mum’s heading the same way… exactly the same early signs. Sadly there’s only me to give them any real help. It’s very draining, and my prospects for any kind of life in the next few years is bleak. Luckily I live fairly near.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My Dad’s suffering from this, and I think Mum’s heading the same way… exactly the same early signs. Sadly there’s only me to give them any real help. It’s very draining, and my prospects for any kind of life in the next few years is bleak. Luckily I live fairly near. "

Could you get carers in to help with everyday tasks ?

My mum fought against that but we insisted (all of us work) and it turned out to be a good thing because the carers were lovely and mum liked them

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By *nimaginativeUsernameMan
over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

Could you get carers in to help with everyday tasks ?

My mum fought against that but we insisted (all of us work) and it turned out to be a good thing because the carers were lovely and mum liked them

They’ve both got carers, but they don’t let the carers do much. Mostly they administer medication and chat with them. It’s the daily abuse I receive from Dad, and the fact that Mum’s so petrified of him that makes things so difficult for me to step back.

True though, the carers are lovely… but very expensive

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Could you get carers in to help with everyday tasks ?

My mum fought against that but we insisted (all of us work) and it turned out to be a good thing because the carers were lovely and mum liked them

True though, the carers are lovely… but very expensive"

Can I suggest that you call the help line run by the dementia charity? They will be able to advise you, especially where your dad's aggression is concerned.

I don't know your parents situation obviously but have they had a financial assessment?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Dementia...The longest goodbye ever.

The person affected remains oblivious and are happy in their own little word but each day their family lose another little piece of their loved ones.

I thought with my training and job, I would be strong enough to deal with dementia but now that it has hit so very close to home, I am really struggling.

To those of you who may be in this situation and are coping, I applaud you x"

Lovely acknowledgement

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Does anyone ever feel guilty for having fleeting moments of happiness / normality?

I started to feel that way and had to kick those thoughts to the kerb

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By *illnatMan
over a year ago

wherever i need to be

Same here. Awful awful awful disease. Had one family member already taken by it and another in a later stage

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Does anyone ever feel guilty for having fleeting moments of happiness / normality?

I started to feel that way and had to kick those thoughts to the kerb"

No Bussy I don't... any more. You shouldn't either. One of the biggest hurdles I've had to jump is accepting that I cannot do it all, I can't make it better, I can't get them to accept the help they so obviously need, it's just not possible.

You need to have as normal a life as possible in order to help them. You'll feel guilt, you will have built piled upon you and other people will guilt trip you but you *are* doing your best and absolutely deserve time to yourself, hours of happiness and relaxation free of responsibility. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Does anyone ever feel guilty for having fleeting moments of happiness / normality?

I started to feel that way and had to kick those thoughts to the kerb

Today I have been *guilted* into taking them to Dunelm

That's how bad it's got

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

This is me too. As well as having a child with special needs. My brother lives miles away too. It’s draining me but I can’t bring myself to involve carers I just can’t do it so I will do it as long as I am able. Luckily I work from home and she lives 5 minutes away. x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Does anyone ever feel guilty for having fleeting moments of happiness / normality?

I started to feel that way and had to kick those thoughts to the kerb

Today I have been *guilted* into taking them to Dunelm

That's how bad it's got

Good God man! Get help and fast. Dunelm

Garden centres with various cardigan shops and large Christmas displays used to be my parents guilt venue of choice. Nowadays my dad just takes my daughter to one side to tell her to "tell her mother" how bad things are for them...as if I don't know

Check out the hall runners at Dunelm for me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Could you get carers in to help with everyday tasks ?

My mum fought against that but we insisted (all of us work) and it turned out to be a good thing because the carers were lovely and mum liked them

True though, the carers are lovely… but very expensive"

Fair enough

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Could you get carers in to help with everyday tasks ?

My mum fought against that but we insisted (all of us work) and it turned out to be a good thing because the carers were lovely and mum liked them

True though, the carers are lovely… but very expensive"

We thought the carers were expensive.... until mum went into a care home £1,600 per week

Plus lots of extras for the hairdresser, having her nails done (they painted her nails but didn't scrape the s**t out from under her nails) plus other activities !

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Could you get carers in to help with everyday tasks ?

My mum fought against that but we insisted (all of us work) and it turned out to be a good thing because the carers were lovely and mum liked them

True though, the carers are lovely… but very expensive

We thought the carers were expensive.... until mum went into a care home £1,600 per week

Plus lots of extras for the hairdresser, having her nails done (they painted her nails but didn't scrape the s**t out from under her nails) plus other activities !"

Yeah a decent care home will start at £1500 per week which when you consider what's involved isn't a bad price.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 07/11/21 13:28:44]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Accept as much help as you can if you're caring for someone. Your own health will deteriorate if you don't.

I myself am looking at a 2nd spine operation due to lots of lifting of an elderly family member with the onset of parkinsons,( though i'm getting help with it now- but i wasn't for quite a while)

My own dad had dementia at the end of his life. He didn't even know I was his son, he just referred to me as "nurse" when he saw me.

I understand/sympathize for anyone going through this.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Accept as much help as you can if you're caring for someone. Your own health will deteriorate if you don't.

I myself am looking at a 2nd spine operation due to lots of lifting of an elderly family member with the onset of parkinsons,( though i'm getting help with it now- but i wasn't for quite a while)

My own dad had dementia at the end of his life. He didn't even know I was his son, he just referred to me as "nurse" when he saw me.

I understand/sympathize for anyone going through this.

I agree. Although the only help you can really rely on is paid help. The only three people I can 100% rely on are my husband and our daughter and her partner.

Hope you recover quickly from your spinal surgery.

Great hair by the way

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 07/11/21 13:39:48]

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Could you get carers in to help with everyday tasks ?

My mum fought against that but we insisted (all of us work) and it turned out to be a good thing because the carers were lovely and mum liked them

True though, the carers are lovely… but very expensive

We thought the carers were expensive.... until mum went into a care home £1,600 per week

Plus lots of extras for the hairdresser, having her nails done (they painted her nails but didn't scrape the s**t out from under her nails) plus other activities !

Yeah a decent care home will start at £1500 per week which when you consider what's involved isn't a bad price.

I disagree, i would agree if the carers got a decent wage but they don't. Plus seeing the owner driving a very expensive flash car but my mum still has s**t under her finger nails. The staff need more money and more training. "

Fair enough.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Deleted by accident

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By *mmMandyTV/TS
over a year ago

Southampton

I remember going to help my elderly stepmother to raise her legs into the car, she looked at me with total terror as she did not recognise me, I backed away immediately,

At the end she was happy in her own world, she would talk to her dead mother for hours on end, I really think she was in an alternate reality, and felt no distress, but for years she new it was coming and that did cause her distress as she was aware of the burden she was to become, and quietly wondered if she would be abandoned

She wasnt abandoned, but its hardest on the carers, my father had to look after her every need, including "intimate cleansing" where she would scream thinking she was being assaulted. its very tough on those that love

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

My experience of care facilities both rehab and the "standard" care home environment is generally very good. I'd say that if possible you need to ensure that you visit people as often as possible just as you would in their own home. However living in a heated, en suite room where you have staff on call 24/7, all drinks and meals provided, personal care provided, activities on hand, a cleaner and gardener, regular outings, emotional support and laundry done doesn't come cheap.

I would expect "extras" such as hairdressing, manicures, clothes etc to be paid for by the person themselves, after all those things aren't included in rent, mortgage or council tax for the rest of us.

I know others experiences aren't as positive and I agree that the staff should be paid more. It's strange to me that we place a higher monetary value on a footballer than the people who care for our most vulnerable.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 07/11/21 14:11:07]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree with paying if it's a hairdresser that does mums hair or a beautician that did her nails.

I don't agree if they are done by care home staff.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Does anyone ever feel guilty for having fleeting moments of happiness / normality?

I started to feel that way and had to kick those thoughts to the kerb

Today I have been *guilted* into taking them to Dunelm

That's how bad it's got

Long may that phase continue.

It was actually caring for my mother and aunt that led me to ending my very long celibacy. I needed something that felt life-affirming and just for me. That led to Fab...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

At the end it was a release for my mother

and

a relief for me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"At the end it was a release for my mother

and

a relief for me.

Same here x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Does anyone ever feel guilty for having fleeting moments of happiness / normality?

I started to feel that way and had to kick those thoughts to the kerb"

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

We're contemplating going away for the Christmas period but feel incredibly guilty for even considering it

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"We're contemplating going away for the Christmas period but feel incredibly guilty for even considering it

For the last six or more years I've felt uneasy about going on holiday. This was in part because on the day or two before we went my mum would usually have an "episode"

. Finally I realised that it made no difference whether I went or not and if something happened while I was away it wouldn't be my fault. I hope you can achieve that mind set and enjoy a family Christmas away

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"We're contemplating going away for the Christmas period but feel incredibly guilty for even considering it

For the last six or more years I've felt uneasy about going on holiday. This was in part because on the day or two before we went my mum would usually have an "episode"

I'm currently arguing with my brother because he just expects that, like every year since I got my own place (I was 18), I will host my Dad, at my expense. I will collect him and drive him home. Etc. I've just suggested we might go away and currently getting every excuse in the book.

It might sound callous to people here but with the year/eighteen months we've had as a family, I really can't abide the idea of Christmas being me babysitting my Dad again. I've had enough of everything. My brother is here, in the same town as me, so equally far from Dad. He can amend his plans to include Dad because he didn't even stop to consider him at all.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"We're contemplating going away for the Christmas period but feel incredibly guilty for even considering it

For the last six or more years I've felt uneasy about going on holiday. This was in part because on the day or two before we went my mum would usually have an "episode"

I think one needs to harden oneself to an extent to be able to keep caring effectively. I'm not Mother Teresa although I am nearly as wrinkly

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

"We're contemplating going away for the Christmas period but feel incredibly guilty for even considering it

For the last six or more years I've felt uneasy about going on holiday. This was in part because on the day or two before we went my mum would usually have an "episode"

I think one needs to harden oneself to an extent to be able to keep caring effectively. I'm not Mother Teresa although I am nearly as wrinkly

Getting support from my brother would be a start. He went over to Dad's today after I lost my temper with him. He expected I could go despite still being ill. Whatever I have is so bad for me that I've been ill for over a week. It'd kill Dad if he got it. Pneumonia nearly killed him in Jan 2020. Just driving to do the school run this week has been too much, let alone a 2.5hr round trip etc.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You have to put yourself first at times. I did sometimes even though my siblings weren't happy.

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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

It a sad and cruel illness as the person left behind you lose your loved one twice and the pain last a long time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Dementia...The longest goodbye ever.

The person affected remains oblivious and are happy in their own little word but each day their family lose another little piece of their loved ones.

I thought with my training and job, I would be strong enough to deal with dementia but now that it has hit so very close to home, I am really struggling.

To those of you who may be in this situation and are coping, I applaud you x"
I am so sorry, this makes me sad, stay strong if you can my heart goes out to you x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Anything sexual has been distinguished in this forum god bless to you and your family x

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By *orny-chubbyMan
over a year ago

East London

My mum has dementia and heartbreaking seeing her deteriorate each day. The support us carers get is minimal

Mum is in a care home now . We visit 4 times a week

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"We're contemplating going away for the Christmas period but feel incredibly guilty for even considering it

For the last six or more years I've felt uneasy about going on holiday. This was in part because on the day or two before we went my mum would usually have an "episode"

I think one needs to harden oneself to an extent to be able to keep caring effectively. I'm not Mother Teresa although I am nearly as wrinkly

I long ago stopped hoping for support from my siblings. I just ensure that I have nothing to reproach myself for and leave them to it. The ones who make me cross are the younger members of the family who use social media photo ops to imply that they are closely involved in their care

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By *nimaginativeUsernameMan
over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

Just want to say thank you for the understanding, and for the PMs received. It’s comforting to feel the care from strangers.

I haven’t been online due to more troubles and dramas since my earlier post.

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By *parkle1974 OP Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

Sorry I have not posted, just caught up with all comments.

Thank you to everyone who has posted and kept the thread on the subject. I hope you all find the strength to get through x

I will hopefully get to reply to the PM's I have received x

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