FabSwingers.com forum: Joke of the day!

By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

It's great having a dyslexic secretary.

She's just given me the best blow job ever. I only sent her an e-mail asking if she could sack my cook!

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,

'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Tesco ...... every little helps

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,

'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Tesco ...... every little helps

good job I hadnt taken a mouthful of tea ................ love it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw a dyslexic yorkshireman walking down the street yesterday with a cat flap on his head.

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By *tingomurphyMan
over a year ago

Hayes

My Rastafarian friend named his dog selassie

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

"One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,

'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Tesco ...... every little helps

Lol Thanks Caz, love it.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

I once had to wipe my arse with some leaves on a night out, that must be why I was thrown out of the salad bar.

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By *andtsurreyCouple
over a year ago

Torbay

I've just been to the funeral of a friend. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball...... It was a great service.

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By *atcockleedsMan
over a year ago

leeds

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

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By *atcockleedsMan
over a year ago

leeds

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, his dad says "your late Where were you?" I was with Mandy" he replies." What were you doing?""We were revising" the boy says.

After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely". Dad replies

"Wash your hands son, they're fucking donuts."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My secretary couldnt spell norfolk...

So I sacked her...;-)

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By *atcockleedsMan
over a year ago

leeds

A blind man went for job in wood yard saying he could identify any wood by it's smell. They tested him on different types and he guessed right evrytime. To catch him out the secretary stripped her clothes off and lay naked on the floor with her legs open. He sniffed and said he was'nt sure, so he asked for the 'wood' to be turned over, he sniffed again and said: "Ye can't fool me 'its an old shithouse door off a fishing boat."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!"

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By *atcockleedsMan
over a year ago

leeds

A man & his wife are on holiday in Jamaica, & walk past a man selling magic sex sandals.

The Jamaican says "dee's magic sandals! make ya a sex god, man!"

The wife is intrigued and convinces her husband to try some on.

As soon as he puts them on, he instantly grabs the Jamaican, bends him over, & gives him one.

The Jamaican screams

"fuck sake man, ya got dem on da wrong feet!"

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By *atcockleedsMan
over a year ago

leeds

"I saw a dyslexic yorkshireman walking down the street yesterday with a cat flap on his head."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i couldn't get the song, the green green grass, out of my head for weeks! So i went to the doctor for help!

When he examined me, he told me i had Tom Jones syndrome! So i asked him if this was a rare symptom as i hadn't heard of it!

"no", he replied, "its not unusual"!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My secretary couldnt spell norfolk...

So I sacked her...;-)"

I don't get this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,

'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Tesco ...... every little helps"

Just wasted a mouthful of rather good coffee pmsl at that!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have some information for those who queued up overnight for the new i-phone 5.

Sex is good.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

RIP Neil Armstrong. The man responsible for the United States' most unique achievement: planting the Stars and Stripes somewhere without having to kill anyone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

did you hear about the dyslesic pimp?

He bought a warehouse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A businessman is in Japan negotiating the biggest deal of his life. The Chairman and CEO of the company he's dealing with insist he comes a plays golf with them - something he neither likes or is any good at.

They are out on the 9th tee, and the 10th runs back towards the club house parallel with their hole. The two Japanese guys drive off, but the 2nd ones ball veers off to the left, curves round and lands on the 10th green and rolls straight into the cup - to the amazement of the Brit.

The other Japanese guy is also astonished and starts laughing and shouting "Sung Wah! Sung Wah!" at the top of his voice. Both Japanese guys fall about lauging. The Brit asks what it "Sung Wah" means.

"Oh... it mean 'flucking great' in Japanese" replies one of the Japs.

They complete the game, have dinner and say their goodbyes.

Back at his hotel, the Brit businessman gets a bit 'lonely' and decides to find solice in the local brothel. He chooses a very attractive girl and they go off to a room for some fun. After a while, he gets her on all fours ready to do her doggie-stylie, gets in position and rams his cock in hard. As soon as he does so, the girl starts screaming "Sung Wah!!! Sung Wah!" The Brit thinks to himself "Wow! She's fuckin loving this!!" and starts to thrust harder and faster and soon whips it out and cums all up her back. The girl whirls round at him, yells at him in Japanese and runs out of the room. As the Brit is getting himself sorted, the Madame geisha comes in.

"What you do to my best girl, you fluckin bastard?????"

"Nothing. She was LOVING it! She kept saying 'Fluckin great'.... you know .. "Sung Wah - Sung Wah"...

The Madame Geisha look at him and sternly says....

"Sung Wah' mean 'Wrong Hole', you flucking iriot........"

(ah, it's an old one but a good one....

)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked around and this bloke shouts "that's just for starters!"

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By *limBobStretchedPantsMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

Today my book " The best Places To Have Kinky And Exciting Sex" was published.. ..It will be on bookshelves on Monday..Then on top of the washing machine on Tuesday... .Wednesday it's on the back seat of the car.... Thursdays the kitchen table...?

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By *limBobStretchedPantsMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

After years of trying, Ive finally found my wifes G-spot. Can you believe her sister had it all along!

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By *limBobStretchedPantsMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

I just saw three tramps,one English,one Irish and one Scottish walking down the road."There's a joke going begging there,"I thought.

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By *atcockleedsMan
over a year ago

leeds

My sex addiction therapist told me this morning she was impressed with my progress , that I no longer see women as sexual objects, that I recognise their needs and I'm sensitive to their inner feelings. Sounds to me like she wants me to fuck her.

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By *atcockleedsMan
over a year ago

leeds

What's the difference between a Lesbian in a porno film and a Lesbian in real life?... About 12 stone.

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By *atcockleedsMan
over a year ago

leeds

"What's the difference between a Lesbian in a porno film and a Lesbian in real life?... About 12 stone."
. Sorry about this one but it did make me chuckle

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By *atcockleedsMan
over a year ago

leeds

"What's the difference between a Lesbian in a porno film and a Lesbian in real life?... About 12 stone."
. Sorry about this one but it did make me chuckle

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By *rank_SimoneCouple
over a year ago

Bideford

Spoke to my mate this evening, apparently hes had a shit week.

Firstly his mother in law got run over by a Bus.

Secondly he lost his job .............................................................................................................................................................. as a bus driver

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Robbie Williams, Elton John and Kylie Minogue are walking down the street when Kylie trips over and falls into some railings. Her head went straight through two of the bars and she couldn't get it out. Robbie looked at her, on all fours, with her head stuck and thought, "I'll never get a better chance than this!" so he unzipped his fly, pulled her knickers down and gave a good fucking. Just as he was about to cum he turned to Elton and said, "Get ready Elt, you're next!" at which point Elton started crying. Robbie looked at him quizzically and said, "What's the matter Elt?" to which Elton blubbed, "I'll never get my head through those railings!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I pulled a heavy duty munter last night down the boozer. Fuck me she looked like she'd been ducking for apples in a chip pan...had more hands up her than Sooty...been set on fire & put out with a golf shoe...got a face that could make an onion cry... so big I couldn't ride her into battle...seen more japs eyes than an oriental optician...a face like a stuntmans knee...a fanny like a yawning donkey...so ugly not even a sniper would take her out...been shot over more times than Sarejevo...has a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout...been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun...an arse like a bag of spanners...a belly bigger than Santa Claus...

Still, at the end of the day, a shag's a shag!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

"I pulled a heavy duty munter last night down the boozer. Fuck me she looked like she'd been ducking for apples in a chip pan...had more hands up her than Sooty...been set on fire & put out with a golf shoe...got a face that could make an onion cry... so big I couldn't ride her into battle...seen more japs eyes than an oriental optician...a face like a stuntmans knee...a fanny like a yawning donkey...so ugly not even a sniper would take her out...been shot over more times than Sarejevo...has a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout...been cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun...an arse like a bag of spanners...a belly bigger than Santa Claus...

Still, at the end of the day, a shag's a shag!"

Lol lol Good old Elmer....

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

I stayed at this hotel in Bournemouth at the weekend and whilst checking out the receptionist asked if I had a good stay, I said "It was okay but there was no toilet paper," She replied

"well you do have a tongue in your head don't you sir" to which I replied

"yes, but I'm not a fucking giraffe!"

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

My new girlfriend said I have to wait six months before she'll suck my cock

I told her I totally understand and respect her decision and I'll give her a call nearer the time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" It's great having a dyslexic secretary.

She's just given me the best blow job ever. I only sent her an e-mail asking if she could sack my cook!

"
lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"so ugly not even a sniper would take her out... "

Funniest line I've heard in ages!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Fifty shades of grey, (Scottish edition). After point blank refusing to fork out for lube, he smeared her in margerine and began masterfully heightening her pleasure.

She screamed, "You tight bastard,

I can't believe it's not butter".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A boy comes home from school at 7pm, his dad says "your late Where were you?" I was with Mandy" he replies." What were you doing?""We were revising" the boy says.

After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely". Dad replies

"Wash your hands son, they're fucking donuts.""

hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 25/09/12 18:56:38]

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By *limBobStretchedPantsMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

'So i fucked your twelve year old daughter and now shes pregnant with my child, I also have AIDS and think I may have passed it on while sharing a needle as I got her hooked on smack'So McDonalds....do you REALLY have a coffee for every conversation??

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By *limBobStretchedPantsMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

As I drove down the high street in the flash floods today an saw a man completely drenched from head to toe, with no shoe's on or a jacket, looking for a ride, I couldn't help but think...This cunt's getting splashed.

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By *arambarMan
over a year ago

swindon

"My secretary couldnt spell norfolk...

So I sacked her...;-)

I don't get this

Guess it depends on your accent but read it aloud... "she couldn't spell nor fuck"

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I'm hosting a charity disco & raffle this Sunday 30th September to raise money for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can't come please let me know.

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By *e ja vue 2Couple
over a year ago

MANCHESTER

paddy buys a chain saw which guarantees it will cut down forty trees per hour !!!! he sets to work but can only cut down 20 in the hour sweating his balls off , he goes back to the shop and says "this doesnt cut 40 i only did 20"?? with that the shop assistant starts up the chainsaw !!! paddy looks at him and says "what the fucks that noise "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I was a kid, we had swimming lessons at school and one day we had to swim in our pyjamas.

How much does it have to rain in the middle of the night before that becomes useful?

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Man Staggers into a hospital with Concussion, Multiple bruise's,Two Black Eyes and a 5 Iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Doctor asked "What happened to you?"

Well I was playing Golf with the wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cows fanny, I yelled to my wife

This looks like yours, I don't remember much after that....

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So a maths teacher has taken his teenage pupil to France.

I assume it is just a field trip to show her how many times 30 goes into 15.

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

My budgie got out of the cage and shagged the dog

If your interested I've got some puppies going cheep!

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

The wife asked how many women have I slept with? I replied,

"Only you, all the others kept me awake all night shagging!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" The wife asked how many women have I slept with? I replied,

"Only you, all the others kept me awake all night shagging!" "

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

My girlfriend was putting sun cream on:

"Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.

"Not at all" I said lets pretend I'm your butler" I winked.

"My name's 'Dawes'" "Ok" she giggled,

"would you mind doing my back Dawes?"

and that was all the invitation I needed....

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By *upitersmileCouple
over a year ago

Manchester

I went to see my mate from Norfolk today, he's just become a dad for the first time.

He showed me his new daughter. She had a little bit of blonde hair, blue eyes, and chubby little arms and legs. I said, "She's gonna be a swimmer when she grows up."

"What makes you say that?" he asked.

I said, "The webbed feet."

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By *wingsnroundaboutsCouple
over a year ago

Manchester

After shagging Cheryl Cole yesterday, i think there are two things you should know...first, her fanny is really tight in fact a real struggle to get in. Second the staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable bastards with no sense of humour.

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By *arambarMan
over a year ago

swindon

My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.

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By *eneral HysteriaMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

" The wife asked how many women have I slept with? I replied,

"Only you, all the others kept me awake all night shagging!" "

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By *uggers nemesisCouple
over a year ago

london

Took the wife out last night

one punch-fucking beauty

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When I was a kid, we had swimming lessons at school and one day we had to swim in our pyjamas.

How much does it have to rain in the middle of the night before that becomes useful?"

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a loaf of bread.

The fucking birds were all over me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I was a child you would need a ruler, a calculator, a pen and a pencil for a Maths lesson.

Nowadays you only need a rubber.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.

It is believed to be so offensive that St Peter's church in Shrewsbury have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy Green from Margate has written in to Points of view.

When will the madness end?

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By *ex n MusicCouple
over a year ago

Perth

How do you make 2lb o fat look awesome???????.............stick a nipple on it

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

A lady with two left feet walks into a shoe shop and asks the assistant....

Do you have any Flip Flips?

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

A dyslexic comes across a man leaving the royal Albert hall.

The dyslexic asks scuse me mate what's this place?

The the man replies, this is The Royal Albert hall,

All the top performers play here, ive just finished my act, I'm a comedian!

The dyslexic replies... Pfffft.. Go on then change colour!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Creation of a Pussy!!!

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher,

with smart wit,

using a knife,

he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter,

strong and bold,

with a hammer and chisel,

he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor,

tall and thin,

by using red velvet,

he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter,

short and stout,

with a piece of fox fur,

he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman,

nasty as hell,

threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher,

whose name was McGee,

he touched it and blessed it,

and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor,

dirty little runt,

he sucked it and fucked it,

and called it a cunt.

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By *uggers nemesisCouple
over a year ago

london

A man goes to prison for the first time and is put in a cell with a huge hells angel.

The hells angel says to him

'right mate' tonight were gonna have sex, now, do you wanna be the husband or the wife?'

The man thinks about it and thinks he will go for the lesser of two evils,so says

'ok mate i,ll be the husband'

The hells angel goes

'ok,now get over here and suck your wifes cock

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

A young lad walks into a brothel holding a dead frog and asks the Madame,

Can I have your most dirty riddled clap infested whore pleas?

The Madame asks why on earth would you want that?

The young lad explains....

I want to shag her and get clap.

Then I'll shag my baby sitter tonight,

Then when my dad takes her home he will shag her.

Then when he gets back home he will shag my mum.

Then then in the morning when dads gone to work my mum will shag the Milk Man....

And that's the bastard who ran over my frog!!!

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By *ex n MusicCouple
over a year ago

Perth

"A young lad walks into a brothel holding a dead frog and asks the Madame,

Can I have your most dirty riddled clap infested whore pleas?

The Madame asks why on earth would you want that?

The young lad explains....

I want to shag her and get clap.

Then I'll shag my baby sitter tonight,

Then when my dad takes her home he will shag her.

Then when he gets back home he will shag my mum.

Then then in the morning when dads gone to work my mum will shag the Milk Man....

And that's the bastard who ran over my frog!!!

pmsl...wonder were that was going..lol

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

A guy pulls a lovely young lady and invites her back to his place.

Once in the bedroom he confesses he has a kinky fettish he would like to try out.

The lady havin had a few drinks agrees to give it a go.

Excellent says the man...

Can you strip down to your underwear and stand over by the door, so she does as instructed.

That's fantastic said the man,

Now could you open and shut the door repeatedly? asks the man.

So she does as asked.

Oooh that's great says the man... Now can you keep turning the light off and on? Asks the man.

So she does as asked.

The man says, that's brilliant...

Now would you piss in this bucket for me as well?

The lady thinks well I've come this far so why the hell not, so she once again does as instructed.

The man says mmm wow that's perfect please dont stop!

After about half an hour the lady is getting quiet bored and says to the man...

This is all well and good but wouldn't you like to fuck me?

The man replies......

WHAT??? In this weather??? Are you feckin mad!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A guy pulls a lovely young lady and invites her back to his place.

Once in the bedroom he confesses he has a kinky fettish he would like to try out.

The lady havin had a few drinks agrees to give it a go.

Excellent says the man...

Can you strip down to your underwear and stand over by the door, so she does as instructed.

That's fantastic said the man,

Now could you open and shut the door repeatedly? asks the man.

So she does as asked.

Oooh that's great says the man... Now can you keep turning the light off and on? Asks the man.

So she does as asked.

The man says, that's brilliant...

Now would you piss in this bucket for me as well?

The lady thinks well I've come this far so why the hell not, so she once again does as instructed.

The man says mmm wow that's perfect please dont stop!

After about half an hour the lady is getting quiet bored and says to the man...

This is all well and good but wouldn't you like to fuck me?

The man replies......

WHAT??? In this weather??? Are you feckin mad!!!

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I visited the birthplace of the inventor of the toothbrush. I looked all over but couldn't find the house... There was no plaque on the wall

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A young lady dies unfortunately and is standing at the pearly gates awaiting admission to heaven. She hears a lot of screaming each time the gates open and asks St Peter what all the noise is about.

"oh that, no need to worry about that my dear, that's just the recent admissions having holes drilled for their wings".

"I'm not sure about that, that sounds excruciating.....I think I'd rather go to hell", she says.

"oh no my dear, hell is an awful place and a good looking girl like you would be subjected to terrible sex acts 24 hours a day", St Peter replies.

"yeah, but I've already got holes for that"!!

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

Paddy and murphy are hiking and come across 3

Hand grenades.

Paddy turns to murphy and says...

Murphy what should we do?

Murph says I think we should hand them in at the police station.

Paddy says... But Bejeyzuz what if one goes off???

Murph replies... Well feck it, we'll tell em we only found 2

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday, he was caught in a trap

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything.

I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete fucking twats.

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By *atcockleedsMan
over a year ago

leeds

Why aren't there any male agony aunts? This is why....

DEAR JIM: I left home for work last week & after less than a mile my car stalled & I had to walk home.

When I got there I found my 18 year old babysitter,Stark naked,Cuffed to the bed & my husband kneeling behind, fucking the arse off her.

I am devastated, can you help?

JIM: A common cause of vehicles breaking down is dirt in the fuel lines.If not,It may be the alternator. Hope this advice helps.

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By *atcockleedsMan
over a year ago

leeds

Dear Deardrie (The Sun). I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from my bedroom window. The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out. I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains when I noticed my wife standing in the bedroom door. She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word. Is she a pervert?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Jimmy savile was a big fan of jewellery.. He loved nothing more than squeezing his fingers into a couple of tight rings.

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

Murphy is visiting paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy asks murph... Would you be a luvly fella

And get my slippers from upstairs?

Murph says sure I will and trots off upstairs,

At the top of the landing he passes paddys twin teenage daughters bedroom and notices the door is ajar.

So he pops his head around the door to see the pair of them fresh out of the bath, stark naked and doing thier hair.

The twin daughters snipe at murphy..

Get out ya feckin dirty old fecker!!!

Murph thinks feck it I'll try my luck and says to the twins...

Your dad has sent me up to give you both a good fucking!!

The twins growl at murph... Your such a liying fecker murph!

Murph turns to the twins and says...

Oh amI??? I'll feckin prove it and shouts down stairs......

Paddy the Pair of them?

Paddy replies...

Of cause both of them ya feckin eejut, what's the point in fucking one?!?

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

Jim the plumber cruelly left his wife Florence after 30 years of marriage.

The note left on the table simply said, 'it's over flow'....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bill came home from his job at the sandwich factory early one day and looking rather miserable.

What's wrong bill? His wife asked

Well, you know how I told you that I had an overwhelming urge to stick my cock in the pickle slicer? Well I did. He says

Oh bill, what happened? she asks

Well I got the sack didn't I

No no, what happened with the pickle slicer? His wife asks

Well she got the sack too!!

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

Mr stibbs went to the doctors to collect his wife's test results.

The doctor says, I'm so sorry mr stibbs but there seems to have been a mix up with the test results... We are not quiet sure if she has Altzimers or Aids !

Oh my god says mr stibbs, what should I do doctor?

The doctor thinks for a moment then says....

Well send her to the shop for a loaf of bread and if she comes back dont fuck her!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two blokes talking in.a pub.

One says "h h h hey up b b b bill, I haven't t seen y y y you for a w w w while".

Other bloke says "I've not been well, I had trouble with my prostrate gland and stuff"

The other fells says "w w w w what w w w was wrong w w w w with you t t t then?"

Bill says "well, in a nutshell, I've been pissing how you talk!"

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

An old dear visits the doctor and explains..

Since I lost my husband I've been very sexualy frustrated and don't want another lover.

The doc suggests she try a sex aid such as a vibrator.

3 weeks later the old dear re visits the doctor for a follow up appointment.

The doc asks... So how are you getting on with the vibrator?

The old dear replies...

It's all very good but it's took all the enamel off my teeth

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

A chap come across two Irish fellas,

One is digging a big hole and the other Irish fella is following him filling in the holes.

Bemused the chap asks,

May I ask what you fellas axe doing?

The Irish fella replies....

Well I'm number 1 and I dig the holes,

He is number 3 and he fills in the holes,

Errr and number 2 the tree planter is away today

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By *ashful Baz OP Man
over a year ago

poole dorset

I went to the docs about my premature ejaculation. He asked what my wife thought. I said at first she took it on the chin,

but now it's getting on her tits.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This ones a bit long but bear with me....

Old Mary is suffering from terrible constipation so she decides to go to the doctors. He gives her a couple of laxatives and asks her to come back in two days. She does as instructed and returns two days later.

"well Mary, how did you get on", he asks?

"I took your laximathingys like you said doctor but it's still the same", she says.

So the doctor goes off for a minute and comes back with the biggest tablet Mary has ever seen.

"oh my doctor, I'll never be able to swallow that", she gasps.

"oh no Mary, this is a suppository", he says.

"a supposeawhat", Mary asks.

"a suppository, when you get home put it in your back passage and come back and see me in two days", he tells her.

So off she goes and does as the doctor has said and returns again in two days.

"so Mary, how did you get on this time", he asks?

"still the same doctor", she tells him.

"but how can that be", the doctor asks amazed, "that's the strongest thing we have. Did you do exactly what I said"?

"well doctor, I live in council sheltered housing so I don't have a back passage. So I put it in my front hall. For all the good it did though I might as well have stuck it up my arse"!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This ones a bit long but bear with me....

"well Mary, how did you get on", he asks?

"I took your laximathingys like you said doctor but it's still the same", she says.

So the doctor goes off for a minute and comes back with the biggest tablet Mary has ever seen.

"oh my doctor, I'll never be able to swallow that", she gasps.

"oh no Mary, this is a suppository", he says.

"a supposeawhat", Mary asks.

"a suppository, when you get home put it in your back passage and come back and see me in two days", he tells her.

So off she goes and does as the doctor has said and returns again in two days.

"so Mary, how did you get on this time", he asks?

"still the same doctor", she tells him.

"but how can that be", the doctor asks amazed, "that's the strongest thing we have. Did you do exactly what I said"?

"well doctor, I live in council sheltered housing so I don't have a back passage. So I put it in my front hall. For all the good it did though I might as well have stuck it up my arse"!!!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mickey Mouse is in the Disneyland divorce court.

The judge has heard all the evidence but tells Mickey, "You can't divorce Minnie just because she has crooked teeth".

"I never said she has crooked teeth", replied Mickey. "I said she was fucking Goofy".

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By *indylou47Woman
over a year ago

BOLTON

The difference between the sexes; a woman sees a skid mark in the toilet bowl and thinks "I'll get my marigolds on and scrub that off with the new cinnamon and apple blossom scented Harpic." A guy sees the skid mark and thinks "bet I can piss that off."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind

That made me chuckle.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Beer Prayer !!

Our Lager

Which art in barrels

Hallowed by thy drink

Thy will be d*unk

At home as in tavern

Give us this day our foamy head

And forgive our spillages

As we forgive those that spill against us

And lead us not to incarceration

But deliver us from hangovers

For thine is the beer

The bitter and the lager

Forever and ever

Barman

(Perky)

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

What's the difference between...

A one eyed Archer

And a constipated owl?

The one eyed archer shoots but can't hit.

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By *uckscouple2007Couple
over a year ago

Bucks

"What's the difference between...

A one eyed Archer

And a constipated owl?

The one eyed archer shoots but can't hit.

must have had too many beers as found that hilarious

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's the difference between...

A one eyed Archer

And a constipated owl?

The one eyed archer shoots but can't hit.

must have had too many beers as found that hilarious

It took me a minute but I'm chuckling away too

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By *TUDLY_GOOD_FUCKMan
over a year ago

mansfield

What's the difference between...

A nun in prayer. And

A whore in the bath?....

The nun has hope in her sole

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And I'm off again

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