FabSwingers.com forum: Tell a Joke

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Tell your Favourite joke…Could be a Classic dad joke, A joke from a Favourite Comedian of yours or even some Dark humour

No holding back

Kinda wanna have a Laugh tonight

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By *hropsGuy69Man
over a year ago

telford

I went for my Covid jab today which I found bizarre to say the least …

Upon entering the room the doctor asked how I was the proceeded to ask me to take my clothes off , at which point I said confusingly “where shall I put them “‘ , which he replied - “over there next to mine”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 18/10/21 21:18:49]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am definitely not sexist but I really like sexist jokes. Hope this joke doesnt offend anyone.

"How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent?

when her first words are `a man once told me...`"

Typo in my previous message

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whenever someone says they have a dentist, without fail I have to ask "Is it at 2:30?"

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

I'm not getting old ...

....I just can't remember stuff because my brain is FULL!!

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By *rMojoRisinMan
over a year ago

Sheffield

Bear and a rabbit are having a shit in the woods.

The bear says to the rabbit, do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?

Rabbit thinks for a minute and says no!

So the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit!

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By *argaryen starkCouple
over a year ago

pinxton

Why do women give birth ? Because it hurts and they deserve it

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By *argaryen starkCouple
over a year ago

pinxton

Did you know the people of Saudi Arabia don't like the flintstones ? But the people of Abu Dhabi do

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

Two windmills are standing on a wind farm.

One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’

The other thinks and replies, ‘I'd have to say I’m a big metal fan.’

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The apocalypse is coming!

So all animals gathered and decided, that since they were all going to die, why not have one huge orgy.

The orgy began and at some point the female giraffe asked the elephant if he wants to fuck her, to which he quickly agreed and started screwing her. Few moments later the giraffe turned around and said: "It's the end of the world, why the hell are you wearing a condom?".

The elephant frowned - "Condom...?"

"Shit, I forgot the boa was giving me a blowjob!"

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Two guys flying over the desert and their plane crashes and they both survive without injuries..

After wandering round for a few days without any food or water one turns to the other and says "I'm that hungry I'm thinking of cutting my cock off and eating it"

"Dont do that yet" says the other "think of making love to your girlfriend when you see her again"

"Why should I do that...I'm never ever going to see her again"...."well I thought if you thought of making love to your girlfriend there might be enough for us both to eat"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Whenever someone says they have a dentist, without fail I have to ask "Is it at 2:30?"

One of my colleagues told me today she had a dentist appointment at 2:30. She didn't get it when me and my friend started laughing. Obviously not a Simpsons fan.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I took my car for a service but it got stuck in the church doorway

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By *obajxMan
over a year ago

Cheshire

Bloke pulls up at a set of traffic lights and as he does a really good looking woman pulls up next to him

He smiles and winds down the window

She smiles and winds down her window

The bloke says "have you just farted as well!"

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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

Michael Barrymore doesn't have a ash tray in his house, he puts his fags out in the pool.

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By *orraine999Woman
over a year ago

Somewhere

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because the chicken wasn’t born yet

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you get when you put a Duck in a cement mixer?

Quacks in the pavement

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Knock knock

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By *uddy laneMan
over a year ago

dudley

I had to go to the Dr I have been buying loads of cars over the last 2 weeks he said I have car owner virus.

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

"Knock knock"

Who’s there?

( I just know I’m going to regret this)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Knock knock

Who’s there?

( I just know I’m going to regret this)"

Fk knows. Can’t tell a joke to save my life.

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By *obajxMan
over a year ago

Cheshire

It is recommended that every lady has a dose of thrush before she gets married.

Because then she knows what it'll be like to live with an irritating cunt!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 08/11/21 21:34:38]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call James Bond in the bath ?

Bubble 0 7 x

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By *aui.Man
over a year ago

around here

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them!

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By *hrobinsonMan
over a year ago

Bridgnorth

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Biden," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Biden spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why does a woman need a man?

Because you can’t cut a lawn with a vibrator!

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

So I went to see psychiatrist he asked what was up.

I said "its my mate he thinks he's an orange"

he said "why hasnt he come to see me then".

I said "he has,he's in my pocket".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Bear and a rabbit are having a shit in the woods.

The bear says to the rabbit, do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?

Rabbit thinks for a minute and says no!

So the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit! "

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Biden," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Biden spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'"

I'm stealing this!

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By *mily36CWoman
over a year ago

Beds (or anywhere beginning with B..!?)

Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.

I still don’t know how I feel about that

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By *L2021Couple
over a year ago

manchester

If I tell you a joke about butter.. what ever you do don’t spread it!!!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Why does a woman need a man?

Because you can’t cut a lawn with a vibrator!"

You can with a rabbit.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, “Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies ..."No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.

I still don’t know how I feel about that

Can't quite put your finger on it?

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Bear and a rabbit are having a shit in the woods.

The bear says to the rabbit, do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?

Rabbit thinks for a minute and says no!

So the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I've done a song about that.

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By *yclindaveMan
over a year ago

Leicester

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Whenever someone says they have a dentist, without fail I have to ask "Is it at 2:30?"

I did and she was a Chinese too, fantastic job she did.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

How do you confuse an idiot?

Thursday!

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By *J69Man
over a year ago

plymouth / penzance

Solicitor says to Micky mouse you can’t divorce minnie on the grounds she has buck teeth. Mickey replies I didn’t say she had buck teeth I said she was fucking goofy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call James Bond in the bath ?

Bubble 0 7 x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do scuba divers roll backwards off the boat?

Because if they rolled forwards they'd still be in the boat.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Solicitor says to Micky mouse you can’t divorce minnie on the grounds she has buck teeth. Mickey replies I didn’t say she had buck teeth I said she was fucking goofy "

Was the solicitor Scottish?

As it seems, he Disney understand what you mean.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"Knock knock

Who’s there?

( I just know I’m going to regret this)"

Clothes

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By *J69Man
over a year ago

plymouth / penzance

[Removed by poster at 08/11/21 23:29:35]

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By *J69Man
over a year ago

plymouth / penzance

"Solicitor says to Micky mouse you can’t divorce minnie on the grounds she has buck teeth. Mickey replies I didn’t say she had buck teeth I said she was fucking goofy

Was the solicitor Scottish?

As it seems, he Disney understand what you mean."
lol

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By *ultured Gent16Man
over a year ago

close.

I saw an advert in the local paper last night.

50” tv for sale. £10.

Volume stuck on Max.

Wow I thought. What a bargain.

I can’t turn that down….

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By *icola2202Couple
over a year ago

Chatham

I must look great naked cos the shower curtain is always trying to love on me!

Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle

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By *esthetic21Man
over a year ago

Birmingham/Bristol

How does Bob Marley like his donuts? Wi jammin

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By *r.SunshineMan
over a year ago

London

Genius! Thanks

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By *ldest swinger in townMan
over a year ago

kirkcaldy

[Removed by poster at 09/11/21 00:03:23]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As I went for my prostate check I though everything was normal until I realised he had a hand on each shoulder

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By *icolerobbieCouple
over a year ago

walsall

Genius! Thanks

I’ve been chuckling for 5 mins at this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mother-in-law started choking and required the Heimlich manoeuvre during dinner last night.

Her funeral's next week.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My mother-in-law started choking and required the Heimlich manoeuvre during dinner last night.

Her funeral's next week."
to be fair you must have thought she was warming up for a joke. I thought mine was at the time, but there was no joke that followed. apparently I'm not invited to her house anymore

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just been watching the news. Apparently the police are holding three men over a fire in West London.

Bit harsh, I wonder what they've done....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Asian man jumped in a swimming pool, everyone shouted bath bomb

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them £50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the man replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £150. We do it here for £50...and I get £43 back from BUPA.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

They say masturbation is better with a dead arm

My family haven't spoken to me since my aunt's funeral!

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