FabSwingers.com forum: Why is it so hard to give reasons?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I’m talking about when what’s in your head isn’t what you end up saying.

Why do people struggle to say what their truth is? It can apply to many situations for example ghosters will often just disappear like a fart in the wind rather than explain their reasons for doing so.

Another example, when people don’t like certain people they’ll skirt around the issue instead of just saying what the actual issue is.

I have no problem delivering negative news or speaking my truth and makes me wonder how some people struggle.

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By *elshkinkyMan
over a year ago

south wales

Because we are all different and some have more compassion and empathy than others

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby

Many struggle with being tactful and are mindful about upsetting the person they need to say no to or give bad news to, it sometimes feels easier to not say anything at all which isn't the best way around things.

If you can see the person on the receiving end reacting badly then that is often the reason that you don't give the answer you really should.

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By *hetalkingstoveMan
over a year ago

London

It can be frustrating if someone can't express themselves directly, but some people find confrontation of any kind very hard.

This might be because of past experiences, or just how they're wired.

Quite important in life not to assume other people can easily do things that you can.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

Because some people have had abusive parents and/or partners. The thought of confrontation makes them worry about the back lash or it may be that it triggers them badly so they avoid it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry you're too far away. Have fun xx

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

The opening post assumes that people actually KNOW why they don't want to be with someone else.

Not everyone does.

I don't have any problem in being straight but I will avoid issues if possible and deliver messages gently if I have to.

My truth isn't THE truth and no one's truth is true for all.

There is no need to take a hammer to crack a nut ..... as the old saying goes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Because some people have had abusive parents and/or partners. The thought of confrontation makes them worry about the back lash or it may be that it triggers them badly so they avoid it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Because we are all different and some have more compassion and empathy than others "

I don’t think having compassion and empathy precludes speaking your truth.

I would argue that it is more compassionate to kindly speak the truth, that to ghost/lie whatever.

Obviously some people can do it because they don’t care, but it isn’t the same thing, for me anyway.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Because some people have had abusive parents and/or partners. The thought of confrontation makes them worry about the back lash or it may be that it triggers them badly so they avoid it.

And also this, it’s not always as simple as you think.

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby

"Because some people have had abusive parents and/or partners. The thought of confrontation makes them worry about the back lash or it may be that it triggers them badly so they avoid it.

It's this for me....I'm working on it and 6 years down the line it's still hard to get my head around

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

"Because some people have had abusive parents and/or partners. The thought of confrontation makes them worry about the back lash or it may be that it triggers them badly so they avoid it.

This!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Let me think to some of my past experienced. 2 years ago that dude I was meeting who I was speaking to for months every day and slept with a couple of times when he just suddenly did the hard block on everything, WhatsApp, phone/text Instagram, Facebook, Facebook messenger even snap chat. His truth should have been yeah it was good speaking to you all those months and having sex but I don’t want to anymore. Don’t really know why, just feel like it was getting too much.

Like why would something like that be so hard to say?

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By *EAT..85Woman
over a year ago

Nottingham

I'm very blunt, sometimes too blunt. But in the assassination of a person's character I would try and word it as constructively as possible.

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By *ourNextAddictionMan
over a year ago

Somerset

Some people just avoid conflict, others don’t understand the value of respect.

It all depends on the person - I’m a very direct person, no problem delivering good or bad news. It has to be done but then I’m a confrontational person in the sense of if there’s an issue, resolve it now than let it simmer & get worse.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

"Let me think to some of my past experienced. 2 years ago that dude I was meeting who I was speaking to for months every day and slept with a couple of times when he just suddenly did the hard block on everything, WhatsApp, phone/text Instagram, Facebook, Facebook messenger even snap chat. His truth should have been yeah it was good speaking to you all those months and having sex but I don’t want to anymore. Don’t really know why, just feel like it was getting too much.

Like why would something like that be so hard to say? "

Do you ever self reflect to look for reasons about why he might not confront you with news ?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

"Some people just avoid conflict, others don’t understand the value of respect.

I am not confrontational. Why would anyone be ?

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By *ose and her beastCouple
over a year ago

Watford

If you don't have anything nice to say it's better left unsaid imo sometimes you need to say something if someones just being a douche bit generally you should be tactful

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By *amdenfunMan
over a year ago

London

Such a massive question. Can be for a number of reasons (partly given above), some undesirable and some good. I'm sure when we were young, most of us were told, "if you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all." And surely it's often not right to say the whole, undiluted insulting truth.

Other times it is because one fears the consequences or indeed because many truths are hard to put into works - no one completely understands themselves.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Like why would something like that be so hard to say? "

Do you look at the situation from his point of view, or yours?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i have found even when you are open about the reason (You are too far/young/close/vanilla) ... it is often met with a counter: I look older... i can drive 7 hours... you can teach me (my pet hate)

You again rebuff and say, really sorry, its not an acceptable compromise... But the 'why /how can you tell /you should give me a chance' just keeps coming

So i find it easier to just not reply

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By *urreyVixenStagCouple
over a year ago

Staines

"I’m talking about when what’s in your head isn’t what you end up saying.

Another example, when people don’t like certain people they’ll skirt around the issue instead of just saying what the actual issue is.

I have no problem delivering negative news or speaking my truth and makes me wonder how some people struggle. "

I’m a people pleaser, always have been and have this irrational fear of not being liked. Therefore, I find I often struggle to tell someone I’m not interested directly. I know, I need to be more forward sometimes but I hate feeling like I’ve upset someone.

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By *jorkishMan
over a year ago

Seaforth

Like why would something like that be so hard to say? "

Afraid of upsetting you

Didn't want to explain himself

Doesn't like possible confrontation

A user possibly

Maybe didn't want to swing or meet anyone for a while

Maybe he met someone he wanted a relationship with so cut all ties

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it’s a Britishness. We don’t like to be impolite. Sharing truths is preferably. How it’s delivered is what amounts to being an arsehole or being tactful.

It’s a rarity people have tact. I know I don’t.

"I’m talking about when what’s in your head isn’t what you end up saying.

Another example, when people don’t like certain people they’ll skirt around the issue instead of just saying what the actual issue is.

I have no problem delivering negative news or speaking my truth and makes me wonder how some people struggle. "

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By *amdenfunMan
over a year ago

London

Like why would something like that be so hard to say? "

How do you know that was the reason? Maybe it was more complicated than that?

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By *urreyVixenStagCouple
over a year ago

Staines

"i have found even when you are open about the reason (You are too far/young/close/vanilla) ... it is often met with a counter: I look older... i can drive 7 hours... you can teach me (my pet hate)

You again rebuff and say, really sorry, its not an acceptable compromise... But the 'why /how can you tell /you should give me a chance' just keeps coming

So i find it easier to just not reply"

Exactly this too. It’s manipulation and making you feel shit for saying no.

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By *izzy.miss.lizzyCouple
over a year ago

Pembrokeshire

I wouldn't be as judgemental myself

we all have reasons why we do stuff or don't do stuff and nobody will understand but ourselves

I don't enjoy confrontation myself due to my upbringing, parents were pretty critical and trite, and damage done to my emotional maturity by my gaslighting late Husband of 40 years.

Hard to just shake all that stuff off.

I do my best to be straight with people, but there are soft ways to communicate if you try

No need to take delight in being brutal and dispassionate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Like why would something like that be so hard to say?

Afraid of upsetting you

Didn't want to explain himself

Doesn't like possible confrontation

A user possibly

Maybe didn't want to swing or meet anyone for a while

Maybe he met someone he wanted a relationship with so cut all ties

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By *elshkinkyMan
over a year ago

south wales

"Because we are all different and some have more compassion and empathy than others

I don’t think having compassion and empathy precludes speaking your truth.

I would argue that it is more compassionate to kindly speak the truth, that to ghost/lie whatever.

Obviously some people can do it because they don’t care, but it isn’t the same thing, for me anyway. "

That’s too honest.. where’s your compassion and empathy

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"Because some people have had abusive parents and/or partners. The thought of confrontation makes them worry about the back lash or it may be that it triggers them badly so they avoid it.

It's this for me....I'm working on it and 6 years down the line it's still hard to get my head around "

I find it hard still with people I don't know. People I trust I can tell them exactly how I'm feeling. Which is progress from where I was.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Because some people have had abusive parents and/or partners. The thought of confrontation makes them worry about the back lash or it may be that it triggers them badly so they avoid it.

It's this for me....I'm working on it and 6 years down the line it's still hard to get my head around

I find it hard still with people I don't know. People I trust I can tell them exactly how I'm feeling. Which is progress from where I was. "

Wow i admire you!

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby

"Because some people have had abusive parents and/or partners. The thought of confrontation makes them worry about the back lash or it may be that it triggers them badly so they avoid it.

It's this for me....I'm working on it and 6 years down the line it's still hard to get my head around

I find it hard still with people I don't know. People I trust I can tell them exactly how I'm feeling. Which is progress from where I was. "

I'm getting to where you are bit by bit, I'm learning from the people I've met since who have been blunt, honest, empathic and open but above all caring in their delivery of whatever they need to say.

Life is always about learning

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Like why would something like that be so hard to say?

Do you ever self reflect to look for reasons about why he might not confront you with news ?"

All I did for about 12 solid months was look inwards, blame myself, ahh I’m not good enough, what did I do wrong blah blah blah. I use him as an example because he speaks to me all the time now. I had him outside greggs back in the summer, I was like O what’s the problem then and he looked at me like a cat had just started speaking to him and was like uh uh. I said what you did was nasty and made me wonder what I did wrong and he was like you didn’t do anything wrong, I said ok so we’re cool? We fist bumped and later that day he messaged me on WhatsApp and unblocked me on everything. I did go to his one evening to watch h a film and have a take away, I had to for own self. He did try it on and I had to say I don’t have those kind of feelings anymore but you are a funny guy and I want you as a mate cos you’re wicked. 5 months later and we are just mates and laugh at the fact we’ve shagged. No funny business on either side just pure friend vibes.

I think when anything ends if you do it with kindness even if they other person wants to carry it on, don’t be a dick just say your truth, give some time for the other person (who still has feelings) to get o we it then you can be friends again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its a natural behaviour required of any social species, to stay a unit.

If back in the hunter gatherer days, we went around being blunt. The friction and animosity it would create would have torn the group apart and the individuals picked off by bigger, stronger animal. So humans developed ways to be diplomatic.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"Because some people have had abusive parents and/or partners. The thought of confrontation makes them worry about the back lash or it may be that it triggers them badly so they avoid it.

It's this for me....I'm working on it and 6 years down the line it's still hard to get my head around

I find it hard still with people I don't know. People I trust I can tell them exactly how I'm feeling. Which is progress from where I was.

Life is always about learning

Caring that's exactly it, the people I trust to tell my feelings to, understand my situation. And we've found solutions to me getting my feelings across whilst feeling safe. I started out having to write a letter and they read it whilst I was nowhere near. I still do this from time to time if I find it too much, but those who care for me understand.

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By *good-being-badMan
over a year ago

mis-types and auto corrects leads cock leeds

Like why would something like that be so hard to say? "

How many times do we read of people saying thanks but no thanks and the other person reacts negatively, Maybe for that or a countless other reasons, only they know why.

Its rare we manage to convey in words what we truly want to say.. number of times I write a comment on a thread then re read it and delete cos it just don't read how you want it to.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Yeah I’m talking more about real world situations rather than here.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m not the most tactful but generally tell it straight. People get upset and it’s all drama I can’t be arsed with

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

Insecurity? Maybe they overcommit early , too keen, and then find it hard to wind back.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

According to many people on the forums a block is a polite no thank you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"According to many people on the forums a block is a polite no thank you.

But in a real world situation where you’ve met the person multiple times and spoke to them daily, to be blocked without a reason is shit.

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By *ily WhiteWoman
over a year ago

I'm with you on this Annie...I'm blunt (although a lot more diplomatic than I used to be when I was younger), and it frustrates me when people don't reciprocate. I don't like it when people give me wishy-washy "politicians" responses, so I'll generally keep asking direct questions until they tell me the truth anyway. That's just the way I am, I like to know all the facts, regardless of whether I like those facts or not. I understand that not everyone is comfortable being that way, but my logical brain needs to be in possession of all information to be able to fully assess a situation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’m talking about when what’s in your head isn’t what you end up saying.

Another example, when people don’t like certain people they’ll skirt around the issue instead of just saying what the actual issue is.

I have no problem delivering negative news or speaking my truth and makes me wonder how some people struggle. "

In some.cases, not wanting to hurt someones feeling, having manners.

why dont ghosters say why they didnt meet when arranged, maybe thats how they get their kicks!

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

Like why would something like that be so hard to say?

Do you ever self reflect to look for reasons about why he might not confront you with news ?

Thank you Ms. Wilkes for an erudite and open answer.

Personally - I'd have never given him my friendship but ......

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

"Its a natural behaviour required of any social species, to stay a unit.

I don't think we'd have been so 'sensitive' back then.

Most people's energies went into surviving

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

"According to many people on the forums a block is a polite no thank you.

But in a real world situation where you’ve met the person multiple times and spoke to them daily, to be blocked without a reason is shit. "

Correct. Totally different circumstance.

A forum knock back to someone you've never met shouldn't mean anything to either party.

Ghosted by someone you know with no reasons given ....... nasty

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"I'm with you on this Annie...I'm blunt (although a lot more diplomatic than I used to be when I was younger), and it frustrates me when people don't reciprocate. I don't like it when people give me wishy-washy "politicians" responses, so I'll generally keep asking direct questions until they tell me the truth anyway. That's just the way I am, I like to know all the facts, regardless of whether I like those facts or not. I understand that not everyone is comfortable being that way, but my logical brain needs to be in possession of all information to be able to fully assess a situation. "

I get what you are saying and where you are coming from and in an ideal world this is how it should work. But what you describe of asking the same question until you get an answer would be traumatic as heck to me. It would inevitably end up with me lying and putting all blame on myself just to make you stop.

And sometimes there is no logic to some people's behaviour. However much you need it and desire it. I wanted to know why my dad was abusive needed the reasons. I never got it and neither will I. Spent far too much time worrying about it, there was no rhyme or reason to it there will never be a justification to his behaviour.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I was blocked in the July of last year and until June of this year. Messed with my Xmas, not completely I was about 80% peaceful but it was always there, unresolved. To be friends again just made me feel better. Closure I suppose.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

Because no one owes you anything

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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago

Calderdale innit

"i have found even when you are open about the reason (You are too far/young/close/vanilla) ... it is often met with a counter: I look older... i can drive 7 hours... you can teach me (my pet hate)

You again rebuff and say, really sorry, its not an acceptable compromise... But the 'why /how can you tell /you should give me a chance' just keeps coming

So i find it easier to just not reply"

This is definitely true on here, people always have an answer when you give them a no thanks.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Because no one owes you anything "

Nobody owes anyone anything but where does that leave people? We could be walking around barging into people, not apologising. There would be arguments breaking out. Road rage if people didn’t give a little wave of appreciation or a quick hand up to say sorry if you’ve done a little error.

Unless someone is a threat to their physical or emotional self then it’s fair to give a quick explanation if you’re deciding you no longer want to have contact with someone you’ve previously spent a lot of time with.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What peeps don't realise is if you skirt around the truth you can very easily lose a potential good friend.

There is no harm in saying no but if the other person asks why just be honest.

"Not my type" I've said.

"I don't want to lose you as a friend" I've said.

And a few other reasons.

A little advise to those who struggle for whatever reason to be honest to another human being is try it. Its quite liberating. You may not owe them anything but you owe it to yourself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am absolutely with you, OP. If something isn’t working for me, I have no trouble with communicating that to the other person. I do it kindly, and am open and honest. It amazes me that so many people struggle with this, or choose not to be that way. In terms of emotional intelligence, I struggle to find my equal. Fuck, that sounds conceited, but you know what I mean (and it’s true anyway!).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I am absolutely with you, OP. If something isn’t working for me, I have no trouble with communicating that to the other person. I do it kindly, and am open and honest. It amazes me that so many people struggle with this, or choose not to be that way. In terms of emotional intelligence, I struggle to find my equal. Fuck, that sounds conceited, but you know what I mean (and it’s true anyway!)."

It doesn’t sound conceited at all.

It sounds like you are self aware, which is awesome

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thank you! X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"i have found even when you are open about the reason (You are too far/young/close/vanilla) ... it is often met with a counter: I look older... i can drive 7 hours... you can teach me (my pet hate)

You again rebuff and say, really sorry, its not an acceptable compromise... But the 'why /how can you tell /you should give me a chance' just keeps coming

So i find it easier to just not reply"

If I ever give a reason then they immediately come back with a rebuttal. And I am with you "can you teach me" is just not attractive.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Because no one owes you anything

It might be fair, but some are never going to give explanations. We can only control our own actions and reactions. I was ghosted by a lover after months recently. There's just nothing I can do about it. Analysing why he couldn't tell me what was going on is pointless.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Annie, can you not ask him now you are friends again ?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Annie, can you not ask him now you are friends again ? "

Yeah I did and it was all his stuff really but it’s funny how when things like this happen we automatically blame ourselves or think we’ve done something wrong.

That’s why I think it’s important for people to explain things and give reasons.

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