FabSwingers.com forum: Gaslighting

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Would anyone like to share their experience of gaslighting and how it's affected them? It's been on my mind & I know there are others here who've experienced it.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

Is that the part where you're being lied to so that you think you're losing your mind?

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

Yes I have, and I didn't realize for years and years. I've got to hand it to my ex he is clever. How it's impacted me? It's made me very wary of people and if I argue with them I tend to distance myself from them. I kind of don't trust myself not to see the signs.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Is that the part where you're being lied to so that you think you're losing your mind? "

That's the one

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

Have in past relationships! And have had to really question my sanity knowing the truth but doubting myself so much I see that now but obviously didnt back then x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No, but I've heard some horrible stories. It's wicked and manipulative behaviour.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Is that the part where you're being lied to so that you think you're losing your mind?

That's the one

I wish I could say no, no experience at all. But I'd be lying.

I got to the point I would write things down, keep screenshots of convos, even voice record what was happening so I had "evidence" that I could refer back to to back myself up and have the actual truth in front of me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yes I have, and I didn't realize for years and years. I've got to hand it to my ex he is clever. How it's impacted me? It's made me very wary of people and if I argue with them I tend to distance myself from them. I kind of don't trust myself not to see the signs. "

I'm sorry, Frida.

Did you know when you were with him? I'd agree with you that learning to trust your own judgment with people is a long lasting effect. Because they've convinced you that you've got it wrong.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

I'm sorry, Frida.

Did you know when you were with him? I'd agree with you that learning to trust your own judgment with people is a long lasting effect. Because they've convinced you that you've got it wrong."

No I didn't for the majority of the time we were together and that was 20 years. It was only when I was helping a friend who was being gaslighted it dawned on me I was too. It was a hard lesson and I felt stupid I didn't see it myself, and made me second guess people a hell of a lot more

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I could write quite a long post on this. I've had someone do it to me and past ex's do it in various forms. It's horrible and yet they seem so convinced they are right all the time that there is no getting through to them and you absolutely have to walk away and avoid them like the plague.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I watched my best mate go through it. Years later his relationships are still affected by the behaviour of that woman. She really was deeply unpleasant.

My first ever GF did it to me too but as I'm a bit slow witted when in comes to recognising bernadotte that is harmful to me, bu the time I realised I'd mostly got over it though I am very wary with a new partner. It took me a long time to trust her ladyship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Is that the part where you're being lied to so that you think you're losing your mind?

That's the one

I wish I could say no, no experience at all. But I'd be lying.

I've done this too. You end up feeling like you have to have proof of the truth at every turn. It's a horrible way to live and it doesn't wear off either!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Is that the part where you're being lied to so that you think you're losing your mind?

That's the one

I wish I could say no, no experience at all. But I'd be lying.

That's horrible. It's shocking how many people I know to whom this has happened. To get to the point that you need evidence of the truth is a sad indictment of a relationship. How are you finding things now? Are you away from it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Happy to share privately.

It's difficult to decipher at first and the web of lies spins so hard and hits your vulnerable spots you don't realise you are falling apart until you are completely tied up and afraid of next step.

I've been couple of years ago part of a work on theatre show where we discussed our experiences with director and actresses to give them better insight in living with it and.. leaving it. Currently helping a friend who is in abusive marriage and afraid for her life. Why do they get away with it ? Consequences should be suffered. One way or another.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

I don’t fully understand what it is

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Have in past relationships! And have had to really question my sanity knowing the truth but doubting myself so much I see that now but obviously didnt back then x"

It's very tough to see what's going on when you're in the middle of it. I didn't know until I had left. No-one should be put in the position of doubting their sanity.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Is that the part where you're being lied to so that you think you're losing your mind?

That's the one

I wish I could say no, no experience at all. But I'd be lying.

I've done this too. You end up feeling like you have to have proof of the truth at every turn. It's a horrible way to live and it doesn't wear off either! "

It really doesn't. It doesn't run my life, but I certainly haven't got out of the habit of keeping things I may need at a later date.

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By *ose and her beastCouple
over a year ago

Watford

Yep my previous girlfriend was cheating on for for 6 months I was told by her my friends and family just didn't like her and it was to get me to split with her I found our the truth when the guy she was doing the deed with contacted me as he was unaware she was in a relationship I learned quickly to listen to your gut because most of the time it's right and your friends are always better to listen to than your own head

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'm sorry, Frida.

Did you know when you were with him? I'd agree with you that learning to trust your own judgment with people is a long lasting effect. Because they've convinced you that you've got it wrong.

I hope you don't feel that you're stupid to have missed it now - I know how that feels as I had a very similar relationship. You look back and think how did I miss that? But it's designed so you don't spot it. It's clever. In the worst bloody way.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I could write quite a long post on this. I've had someone do it to me and past ex's do it in various forms. It's horrible and yet they seem so convinced they are right all the time that there is no getting through to them and you absolutely have to walk away and avoid them like the plague."

I'm sorry, Petite. I did wonder from your other thread. Do you feel that they did it purposefully? Aware that they're manipulating you? I'm honestly still not sure.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only in as much as my mum was seeing a man this year that gaslighted her. I sussed him out from the very start. It's been a difficult year trying to convince, wake my mum up. I don't know how he did, I could blatantly see it. It's tough and frustrating to see someone you love being gaslighted. The police are involved now.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I watched my best mate go through it. Years later his relationships are still affected by the behaviour of that woman. She really was deeply unpleasant.

Mr"

I'm glad you've been able to trust again Mr - that's the test of getting past gaslighting I guess! Affects men just as much as women. And I am shocked still at how long it can continue affecting people.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Typical gaslightning usually comes from narc types. And the non grandiose type, vulnerable ones are the worst. They will take a great care to not show true themselves and ensure that their fake self is adored and put on a pedestal, at any cost. When this fails and their house of cards collapses they lash out calling you evil and all sorts, and attempt to make you feel at fault as they are not able to face what they did and take responsibility.

Escape is the only answer. They will never change. Just find another victim.

There is a great article in Guardian from September this year. Just goggle guardian and vulnerable narcissists.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Only in as much as my mum was seeing a man this year that gaslighted her. I sussed him out from the very start. It's been a difficult year trying to convince, wake my mum up. I don't know how he did, I could blatantly see it. It's tough and frustrating to see someone you love being gaslighted. The police are involved now."

I'm so glad.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Is that the part where you're being lied to so that you think you're losing your mind?

That's the one

I wish I could say no, no experience at all. But I'd be lying.

Yeah I've been out 6 years.

Then there was my last relationship which wasn't actual truth based, it was convenient truth based, been out of that one a year n half and now I'm put off for good.

Don't trust myself.

It ain't that I don't trust myself not to spot things coz I totally will, but I don't trust myself not to explain those things away as residual trauma response. Blaming the previous abuse for being on edge, when the actual reason I was on edge was my gut instinct was kicking in and had every reason to.

So yeah, trust and faith broken. The thought of another relationship gives me anxiety and in truth I can't even imagine having sex again coz people will lie, cheat, manipulate and steal to get that too so the whole thing screams danger to me.

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By *agerMorganMan
over a year ago

Canvey Island

I’ve had it done to me, by an ex, who kept saying I was the one in the wrong, crazy etc. Still has mentally messed me up.

And I’ve seen it done to a mate, fortunately he managed to get away and slowly recovering.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Happy to share privately.

It's difficult to decipher at first and the web of lies spins so hard and hits your vulnerable spots you don't realise you are falling apart until you are completely tied up and afraid of next step.

Please feel free to pm. Sadly I don't know any gaslighter who has suffered any consequences. Mine is my kids' dad so my hands are tied.

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By *elshkinkyMan
over a year ago

south wales

Like all narcissists and misogynists they are very clever at what they do… it’s not a direct action to control and break, it’s done over time.. subtly with minor changes and lies… horrible horrible people in my view

They will blame you for what they do.. they are self loathing deep down and control their own insecurities by controlling others

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Typical gaslightning usually comes from narc types. And the non grandiose type, vulnerable ones are the worst. They will take a great care to not show true themselves and ensure that their fake self is adored and put on a pedestal, at any cost. When this fails and their house of cards collapses they lash out calling you evil and all sorts, and attempt to make you feel at fault as they are not able to face what they did and take responsibility.

Escape is the only answer. They will never change. Just find another victim.

There is a great article in Guardian from September this year. Just goggle guardian and vulnerable narcissists.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/aug/01/not-all-narcissists-are-grandiose-the-vulnerable-type-can-be-just-as-dangerous

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Escape is the only answer. They will never change. Just find another victim.

There is a great article in Guardian from September this year. Just goggle guardian and vulnerable narcissists.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/aug/01/not-all-narcissists-are-grandiose-the-vulnerable-type-can-be-just-as-dangerous

Thanks!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Happy to share privately.

It's difficult to decipher at first and the web of lies spins so hard and hits your vulnerable spots you don't realise you are falling apart until you are completely tied up and afraid of next step.

Please feel free to pm. Sadly I don't know any gaslighter who has suffered any consequences. Mine is my kids' dad so my hands are tied. "

How old are your kids? They can be affected too. Hope you and they are ok. X

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By *anshee99Woman
over a year ago

all over

Too long to explain the situation, however.... You end up in an ongoing loop of never trusting anyone again and don't even have any belief in your own decisions.

But more than the ongoing effect on me and whoever I meet... I can't ever stop thinking, that he's doing it to someone else right now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Too long to explain the situation, however.... You end up in an ongoing loop of never trusting anyone again and don't even have any belief in your own decisions.

But more than the ongoing effect on me and whoever I meet... I can't ever stop thinking, that he's doing it to someone else right now. "

Right ? But hopefully one day they have their own awakening. Hopefully with less damage. Some are lost cause though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Happy to share privately.

It's difficult to decipher at first and the web of lies spins so hard and hits your vulnerable spots you don't realise you are falling apart until you are completely tied up and afraid of next step.

Please feel free to pm. Sadly I don't know any gaslighter who has suffered any consequences. Mine is my kids' dad so my hands are tied. "

I understand its more difficult then. I've been there. My ex made some good progress and I've put some boundaries in place. We are at better place now and trust me, it was really awful. I fear he might be a rare exception though.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

I'm sorry to read you're going through it OP, it can be incredibly difficult to untangle yourself from and it can lead a little (or a big) scar when you're free.

For me, I didn't see it at first. Friends warned me but I suffer from a bleeding heart and want to see the best in people. So there would be the odd little thing I was sure they'd said or done and they would say no so I thought, meh, maybe I'm just hormonal. And then it happened more often. I'd search through our messages, listen to our voice notes all to make sure that I wasn't going mad and an awful bitch. It really affected me. My self esteem was in tatters, I started doubting people when what they said previously didn't match up to the now. I spent a lot of time apologising, making light of it and saying "oh, my period is due, I don't know what I'm talking about".

And then something snapped in me and I stood up for myself. Now, I'm possibly a bit wary of people. I have a really good memory and if things don't sync up I find myself not at ease with them.

I try and not let it affect me too much nowadays and see the positive but it's not easy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Excuse my ignorance but what’s gaslighting ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t fully understand what it is "

Its where you behave in a way that makes others doubt themselves. At it simplest it could be simply denying something happened even when it did but its often far more subtle, changing small details of the past, leading someone to believe something then cutting them down for being stupid etc.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I'm sorry to read you're going through it OP, it can be incredibly difficult to untangle yourself from and it can lead a little (or a big) scar when you're free.

And then something snapped in me and I stood up for myself. Now, I'm possibly a bit wary of people. I have a really good memory and if things don't sync up I find myself not at ease with them.

I try and not let it affect me too much nowadays and see the positive but it's not easy. "

But that's the bit that got me, the trying not to let it affect you and see the good in people, that's how I ended up getting bloody stung a second time, by being determined not to let my past dictate my fucking future.

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By *EAT..85Woman
over a year ago

Nottingham

It really doesn't help if you have a terrible memory and relocate away from family and friends either

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"It really doesn't help if you have a terrible memory and relocate away from family and friends either

Aye, no back up or people to turn to. I only had my work colleagues at the time.

Isolate to annihilate

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

That never happened

your too sensitive

people won't believe you, your crazy

thats the kind of things I had.

where is this that or the other you moved it, I know i didn't because I have a place for everything!

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

As a couple of examples, I had an ex who used to pretend I had said things I hadn't and then express pretend concern that I didn't remember. He mostly did it to get to do what he wanted without discussing it with me. He also would deliberately do things like invite me to his parents place when his mum didn't want me there (not personal stuff just if it was inconvenient, etc) then make out I was just being paranoid when I picked up on her obviously being uncomfortable with my intrusion.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"That never happened

your too sensitive

people won't believe you, your crazy

thats the kind of things I had.

where is this that or the other you moved it, I know i didn't because I have a place for everything! "

Are you stupid?

I never said that?

What are you lying for?

You need help.

You're making a fool of yourself.

Just admit you made it up.

*sigh*

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t fully understand what it is "

Ive just had a good googling on it. Pretty fricking horrific, to think someone would treat another human that was is just sickening.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Ive just had a good googling on it. Pretty fricking horrific, to think someone would treat another human that was is just sickening.

8 years I had.

Even when he hit me I supposedly threw the first punch

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yep my previous girlfriend was cheating on for for 6 months I was told by her my friends and family just didn't like her and it was to get me to split with her I found our the truth when the guy she was doing the deed with contacted me as he was unaware she was in a relationship I learned quickly to listen to your gut because most of the time it's right and your friends are always better to listen to than your own head"

That's a crap thing to do to someone! I think having a friend/family member you trust means you can sense check if you don't trust yourself. I couldn't for a long time.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

That sounds very serious. I can imagine it was very tough for you - easier to see when you're not in the midst of it. I hope she can see it now?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

These are awful stories but so important to share. As someone with no direct experience they are an education indeed.

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

"That never happened

your too sensitive

people won't believe you, your crazy

thats the kind of things I had.

where is this that or the other you moved it, I know i didn't because I have a place for everything!

Are you stupid?

I never said that?

What are you lying for?

You need help.

You're making a fool of yourself.

Just admit you made it up.

*sigh*"

All of that.... Oh and your the one that's cheating not me.

Has truly put me so wary of getting involved with anyone again but I'm slowly learning to trust again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Ive just had a good googling on it. Pretty fricking horrific, to think someone would treat another human that was is just sickening.

8 years I had.

Even when he hit me I supposedly threw the first punch

Your best without that one peachy chops. I cant understand why someone would feel the need to treat one in this way. I could never tell my partner how to dress or how to have their hair ect let alone force or mentally abuse them or mould them into another being.

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By *eyond PurityCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

It's awful.

I escaped from my ex 3 years ago, who almost had me believing I was crazy, incompetent and hateful.

We were together nearly 15 yrs and I didn't see it til the end, when he did some drastic (illegal) moves, and whistleblowers quietly had a word in my ear, offering advice and support.

I'm now going through the same with my son, who thinks he can treat me with the same disdain. It's like Groundhog Day, only this time with my eyes fully open to it.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

"I try and not let it affect me too much nowadays and see the positive but it's not easy.

P was a poopoohead. Utter poopoohead.

It's difficult finding that balance between not letting the past dictate your future and also being careful with your heart and feelings. There's not one way to do it is there? We're all different and handle things differently.

What I do know is you've got the love and support of many people and the freedom to do things at your own pace. x

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Ive just had a good googling on it. Pretty fricking horrific, to think someone would treat another human that was is just sickening.

8 years I had.

Even when he hit me I supposedly threw the first punch

Welcome to my last relationship, having to check in when I went out, sending pics to prove where I was and who I was with, being accused of cheating while I was pregnant with his kids. What colour to have my hair (hence why it's red now) what length, how to dress, even things like my piercings (done once we split as he didn't like women that had them done as they are cheap)

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By *ecadent_DevonMan
over a year ago

Okehampton

Had it happen to me over a 3 year period about 10 years or so ago. It wrecked me, brought me to the brink of suicide and has ensured that I have stayed single since.

I could say it ruined my life, it didn’t, I came out of it with more compassion and empathy. Yes it destroyed my self-esteem but now I am more considered and, well, alone, but happily so.

I was lucky many people take their lives or end up locked away (one way or another). The thing to try and remember is that you survived.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Ive just had a good googling on it. Pretty fricking horrific, to think someone would treat another human that was is just sickening.

8 years I had.

Even when he hit me I supposedly threw the first punch

Thats awful Tindychops, i have mates that have to send selfies to their wifes & girlfriends to proove where they are when theyre out too.. i always said any sign of that and i wouldnt be in that relationship... trust is the the most important thing in a relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Happy to share privately.

It's difficult to decipher at first and the web of lies spins so hard and hits your vulnerable spots you don't realise you are falling apart until you are completely tied up and afraid of next step.

Please feel free to pm. Sadly I don't know any gaslighter who has suffered any consequences. Mine is my kids' dad so my hands are tied.

My girls had to make the hard/easy choice to cut contact with their Dad as his behaviour was spilling over to them. It has helped massively with their sanity in some ways but obviously leaves other wounds.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I’ve had it done to me, by an ex, who kept saying I was the one in the wrong, crazy etc. Still has mentally messed me up.

And I’ve seen it done to a mate, fortunately he managed to get away and slowly recovering.

I wonder if people realise just how much long term damage they're doing. I'm sorry that happened to you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Is that the part where you're being lied to so that you think you're losing your mind?

That's the one

I wish I could say no, no experience at all. But I'd be lying.

Yeah I've been out 6 years.

Then there was my last relationship which wasn't actual truth based, it was convenient truth based, been out of that one a year n half and now I'm put off for good.

Don't trust myself.

You just don't deserve to have that done to you. I'm sorry it's still impacting you so much

. I have a friend with cPTSD from his military trauma and he still asserts that emotional abuse is worse. It's torture.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Like all narcissists and misogynists they are very clever at what they do… it’s not a direct action to control and break, it’s done over time.. subtly with minor changes and lies… horrible horrible people in my view

They will blame you for what they do.. they are self loathing deep down and control their own insecurities by controlling others "

That insidious ness is why it's so hard to spot and challenge and also explain to anyone else. I don't even try to explain it to anyone outside my family or those who've experienced it. It's like a thousand little cuts. I find it hard after 4 years to even see my ex as clever and manipulative. In low moments I still think I am imagining it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can honestly say I’ve never been gaslighted although guys have probably unintentionally tried.

I think in it’s mildest form it’s removing culpability, for example someone may be trying to cut things off but instead of just coming out with the truth and saying it’s not working they try and create problems and make you think you’ve done something wrong to warrant things ending.

It’s hard for some people to admit when they’re in the wrong and easier to blame other people.

I think a lot of people gaslight without realising they’re doing it. It’s statements like you’re crazy, it’s all in your head, that never happened, I didn’t say that, you’re remembering it wrong.

Like I said guys have tried being like that with me but I’ve got that weird memory condition and if anyone ever tries saying that something didn’t happen I’m like no you said this on a Friday in august at 7pm you were wearing a black champion jumper, pink shorts and black Calvin Klein slides (that’s my outfit now but just an example!) guys be like uh uh uh.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Escape is the only answer. They will never change. Just find another victim.

There is a great article in Guardian from September this year. Just goggle guardian and vulnerable narcissists.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/aug/01/not-all-narcissists-are-grandiose-the-vulnerable-type-can-be-just-as-dangerous

Someone sent that to me a while ago. It's a good piece.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Happy to share privately.

It's difficult to decipher at first and the web of lies spins so hard and hits your vulnerable spots you don't realise you are falling apart until you are completely tied up and afraid of next step.

Please feel free to pm. Sadly I don't know any gaslighter who has suffered any consequences. Mine is my kids' dad so my hands are tied.

How old are your kids? They can be affected too. Hope you and they are ok. X"

All teens. And he's tried to gaslight them. They spotted it not me (I'd never used the word with them nor spoken about it in front of them). They have backed away from him which of course is my fault.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

I'm sorry, Frida.

Did you know when you were with him? I'd agree with you that learning to trust your own judgment with people is a long lasting effect. Because they've convinced you that you've got it wrong.

I have days where it's inevitable I feel stupid took me nearly 20 years to figure it out. I didn't even realise how not me I had become I was a shadow. Unfortunately he is the father of my children and he still tries to gaslight me occasionally. Luckily I see it and put a stop to it now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Having proof can go a long way toward restoring peace of mind and supporting emotional well-being. When we know the truth, there’s never any reason to doubt questioning yourself.

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By *ick1979xxMan
over a year ago

hornyville

My ex was having an affair but made out I was imagining it

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

"Happy to share privately.

It's difficult to decipher at first and the web of lies spins so hard and hits your vulnerable spots you don't realise you are falling apart until you are completely tied up and afraid of next step.

Please feel free to pm. Sadly I don't know any gaslighter who has suffered any consequences. Mine is my kids' dad so my hands are tied.

How old are your kids? They can be affected too. Hope you and they are ok. X

Oh I get this too, my oldest especially remembers things he did toe and as such isn't overly bothered about chasing contact with her, of which I get the blame... They never call me.... Erm you're a grown ass man that can contact your kids yourself, they shouldnt have to chase you for attention.

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

"Happy to share privately.

It's difficult to decipher at first and the web of lies spins so hard and hits your vulnerable spots you don't realise you are falling apart until you are completely tied up and afraid of next step.

Please feel free to pm. Sadly I don't know any gaslighter who has suffered any consequences. Mine is my kids' dad so my hands are tied.

How old are your kids? They can be affected too. Hope you and they are ok. X

*Him

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Too long to explain the situation, however.... You end up in an ongoing loop of never trusting anyone again and don't even have any belief in your own decisions.

But more than the ongoing effect on me and whoever I meet... I can't ever stop thinking, that he's doing it to someone else right now. "

I'm sorry that's happened to you. I know how difficult it is to explain what's gone on. But there's a lot of people on this thread who know how it feels. And believe you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'm sorry, Frida.

Did you know when you were with him? I'd agree with you that learning to trust your own judgment with people is a long lasting effect. Because they've convinced you that you've got it wrong.

Took me that long too. We are not stupid!

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By *leanandkeenMan
over a year ago

gateshead

I actually record most meetings and chats on my phone and back up when I get home if there’s anything that Is relevant. When I brought that evidence up at a previous job for doing something a manager told me to do that I later learnt I shouldn’t have ended up with me getting in more bother for recording the conversations luckily I was recording the conversation of me handing the evidence over them listening and then calling me all sorts. Had to go to tribunal in the end. At times I wish I could walk round with a go pro on to cover my arse

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

I'm sorry, Frida.

Did you know when you were with him? I'd agree with you that learning to trust your own judgment with people is a long lasting effect. Because they've convinced you that you've got it wrong.

Took me that long too. We are not stupid! "

Oh I didn't mean you, I was referring to myself x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm sorry to read you're going through it OP, it can be incredibly difficult to untangle yourself from and it can lead a little (or a big) scar when you're free.

And then something snapped in me and I stood up for myself. Now, I'm possibly a bit wary of people. I have a really good memory and if things don't sync up I find myself not at ease with them.

I try and not let it affect me too much nowadays and see the positive but it's not easy. "

Sorry to hear about that, Meli (but also I know that you've found happiness again so yay for that!). It eats away when you have to question every thing you've said.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'm sorry, Frida.

Did you know when you were with him? I'd agree with you that learning to trust your own judgment with people is a long lasting effect. Because they've convinced you that you've got it wrong.

Took me that long too. We are not stupid!

Oh I didn't mean you, I was referring to myself x "
I know! But I thought the same about myself too.

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By *ollybirdWoman
over a year ago

east Cork

This

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It really doesn't help if you have a terrible memory and relocate away from family and friends either

That's so isolating for you. Hope you are away now?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"That never happened

your too sensitive

people won't believe you, your crazy

thats the kind of things I had.

where is this that or the other you moved it, I know i didn't because I have a place for everything! "

Makes me angry and sad to read those words. I got "you're too sensitive" or "I was only joking, don't you have a sense of humour" all the time. Just sowing seeds of doubt.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"That never happened

your too sensitive

people won't believe you, your crazy

thats the kind of things I had.

where is this that or the other you moved it, I know i didn't because I have a place for everything!

Are you stupid?

I never said that?

What are you lying for?

You need help.

You're making a fool of yourself.

Just admit you made it up.

*sigh*

All of that.... Oh and your the one that's cheating not me.

Has truly put me so wary of getting involved with anyone again but I'm slowly learning to trust again."

Some people show themselves worthy of trust, but totally understandable that you're wary.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Unfortunately I'm all too familiar with being gas lit, my kids dad is a narsasist and in the 13 years we was together he was terribly abusive and used to do it all the time, it got to the point that anything wrong he did he'd flip it to it never happend like that or was my fault to the point he very almost convinced me I had bipolar as that's what he used to blaim everything on... If I was sad/angry/upset etc it would be your remembering it wrong or working it up in your head or dwelling on it you really need a therapist to diagnose you it's obvious your bipolar (I'm not FYI and being upset is quite an acceptable reaction to being locked in a room and have the electric turned off for nearly 24 hours and all the other shit he used to pull) got to the point I started recording everything on my phone and eventually went to the police with it all

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

This is exactly what happened to me.

I’m not going to go into it in detail as I’m having a low day and it’s very triggering.

I thought that I was going crazy and losing my mind just by virtue of trying to trust, wanting to believe her but finding things out that contradicted that, even right to the end, she lied to my face and twisted my trust.

I’m better off out of it but it hurts and will do for a while yet. I wonder how I’m going to trust anyone again

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By *histle do nicelyMan
over a year ago

Glasgow South

"Would anyone like to share their experience of gaslighting and how it's affected them? It's been on my mind & I know there are others here who've experienced it.

"
a great topic to bring up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes, I suffered over 22 years with it, I thought I was strong but he almost broke me over the years. He didn’t care that the things he did would see me crying and questioning my sanity, he just laughed and told the kids it was my fault.

The things he said and did to us all has left it’s mark mentally, and while I don’t let it define me it does have an effect on how I interact with people. And makes me less trusting of them. X

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Would anyone like to share their experience of gaslighting and how it's affected them? It's been on my mind & I know there are others here who've experienced it.

a great topic to bring up "

Sadly so many people have experienced it.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Would anyone like to share their experience of gaslighting and how it's affected them? It's been on my mind & I know there are others here who've experienced it.

a great topic to bring up "

If one person recognising this in their own life and it saves them from continuing down a track of destruction then it really is. I don't think there's a person on this thread who's been through it that would want their experience to be in vain, so yeah, if it saves a soul I'm all for it.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

Also worth adding that although it nearly ruines me and made me loose faith in myself and others. I'm now much much happier than I was. It was scary as hell leaving I can't lie, how was this insane person who couldn't cope deal with it all by themselves. Well I did and I thrived. If you're in this situation and recognise it, don't hesitate they won't change leave

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"As a couple of examples, I had an ex who used to pretend I had said things I hadn't and then express pretend concern that I didn't remember. He mostly did it to get to do what he wanted without discussing it with me. He also would deliberately do things like invite me to his parents place when his mum didn't want me there (not personal stuff just if it was inconvenient, etc) then make out I was just being paranoid when I picked up on her obviously being uncomfortable with my intrusion. "

Small things, but they add up over time to a constant feeling of doubt. It's a really unpleasant feeling to carry around with you. Glad he's an ex!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Ive just had a good googling on it. Pretty fricking horrific, to think someone would treat another human that was is just sickening.

8 years I had.

Even when he hit me I supposedly threw the first punch

Christ. I'm so sorry

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It's awful.

I escaped from my ex 3 years ago, who almost had me believing I was crazy, incompetent and hateful.

We were together nearly 15 yrs and I didn't see it til the end, when he did some drastic (illegal) moves, and whistleblowers quietly had a word in my ear, offering advice and support.

I'm now going through the same with my son, who thinks he can treat me with the same disdain. It's like Groundhog Day, only this time with my eyes fully open to it.

Oh that's so shit

. I'm sorry, C.

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By *lenderfoxMan
over a year ago

Leeds

As with the narcissist thread a few weeks ago, i'm truly shocked by how widespread and common this is. It's sad reading everyone's stories

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Wakefield

My sons done it to me a few times. He’s not trying to destabilise me. He tells me one thing then changes his tune.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Ive just had a good googling on it. Pretty fricking horrific, to think someone would treat another human that was is just sickening.

8 years I had.

Even when he hit me I supposedly threw the first punch

That's coercive control

that's some level of power trip!

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By *yronMan
over a year ago

grangemouth

Ex friend would tell people of all the things I'd said about him and his wife. When I said that it was bollocks, he came over as more convincing and claimed that he had screenshots. Nobody ever saw them, but there was always this threat that he did (he was very good with Photoshop). He would then claim that he'd never said anything about me talking about his wife.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Had it happen to me over a 3 year period about 10 years or so ago. It wrecked me, brought me to the brink of suicide and has ensured that I have stayed single since.

I could say it ruined my life, it didn’t, I came out of it with more compassion and empathy. Yes it destroyed my self-esteem but now I am more considered and, well, alone, but happily so.

I was lucky many people take their lives or end up locked away (one way or another). The thing to try and remember is that you survived. "

That is just awful

Very sorry to hear about it but I am glad you're doing well.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

I must add, this is the main reason I'm so fucking vocal about cheating.

Often the person being cheated on will get a gut instinct that it's happening. When they're being lied to it's no different from an abuser gaslighting them. When they challenge and the cheater deflects and denies it all adds up to the same emotional trauma, the same lack of trust moving forward, the same feelings of self loathing, stupidity and confusion for the foreseeable for the person who got cheated on.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Having proof can go a long way toward restoring peace of mind and supporting emotional well-being. When we know the truth, there’s never any reason to doubt questioning yourself."

Yes I agree proof can help and that may just be someone else backing you up. I'm not sure many people are able to find proof though.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My ex was having an affair but made out I was imagining it"

In my book lying in that particular way is as bad as the affair. Equally as hurtful.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I actually record most meetings and chats on my phone and back up when I get home if there’s anything that Is relevant. When I brought that evidence up at a previous job for doing something a manager told me to do that I later learnt I shouldn’t have ended up with me getting in more bother for recording the conversations luckily I was recording the conversation of me handing the evidence over them listening and then calling me all sorts. Had to go to tribunal in the end. At times I wish I could walk round with a go pro on to cover my arse"

I think most people have shared a relationship story but yours just proves that gaslighting can happen anywhere. I'm sorry you had to go all the way to tribunal - successfully, I hope?

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

Small things, but they add up over time to a constant feeling of doubt. It's a really unpleasant feeling to carry around with you. Glad he's an ex!"

He cheated on me in the end. Apparently that was my own fault too.

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Ive just had a good googling on it. Pretty fricking horrific, to think someone would treat another human that was is just sickening.

8 years I had.

Even when he hit me I supposedly threw the first punch

That's coercive control

that's some level of power trip! "

Oh for sure and it's years of conditioning I'm still trying to break, literally having a conversation about how I hate shopping for myself as i just don't know how to or feel bad about doing it.

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By *heVonMatterhornsCouple
over a year ago

Lincoln

Small things, but they add up over time to a constant feeling of doubt. It's a really unpleasant feeling to carry around with you. Glad he's an ex!

He cheated on me in the end. Apparently that was my own fault too. "

To quote JD from Scrubs: kick him in the crotch and run!

LvM

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

Small things, but they add up over time to a constant feeling of doubt. It's a really unpleasant feeling to carry around with you. Glad he's an ex!

He cheated on me in the end. Apparently that was my own fault too. "

Oh it was my fault my ex cheated on me too

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Ive just had a good googling on it. Pretty fricking horrific, to think someone would treat another human that was is just sickening.

8 years I had.

Even when he hit me I supposedly threw the first punch

I hurt myself on purpose because I was a compulsive lier, even when he hit me infront of the kids he never touched me.

You want sex, he did and would do it anyway.

I was cheating on him but I wasn't he was.

6 years this went on for.

Even after the divorce he puts me down and tries to twist my words

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By *heVonMatterhornsCouple
over a year ago

Lincoln

Small things, but they add up over time to a constant feeling of doubt. It's a really unpleasant feeling to carry around with you. Glad he's an ex!

He cheated on me in the end. Apparently that was my own fault too.

Oh it was my fault my ex cheated on me too

Mine just never mentioned it... just happened to start dating her housemate a few weeks after breaking up with me

LvM

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

He also give me substances so I wouldn't know what was going on and let other men use me.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"He also give me substances so I wouldn't know what was going on and let other men use me. "

I wanna kick his cunt in

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Unfortunately I'm all too familiar with being gas lit, my kids dad is a narsasist and in the 13 years we was together he was terribly abusive and used to do it all the time, it got to the point that anything wrong he did he'd flip it to it never happend like that or was my fault to the point he very almost convinced me I had bipolar as that's what he used to blaim everything on... If I was sad/angry/upset etc it would be your remembering it wrong or working it up in your head or dwelling on it you really need a therapist to diagnose you it's obvious your bipolar (I'm not FYI and being upset is quite an acceptable reaction to being locked in a room and have the electric turned off for nearly 24 hours and all the other shit he used to pull) got to the point I started recording everything on my phone and eventually went to the police with it all "

Christ

that is an intense, horrible experience to have lived through. Do you still have to have contact with him via your kids?

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By *heVonMatterhornsCouple
over a year ago

Lincoln

Wow... People suck. I'm sorry for everyone

LvM

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

"He also give me substances so I wouldn't know what was going on and let other men use me.

I wanna kick his cunt in "

He's really not worth it.

My relationship with my children is stronger than ever, he failed to fool them so I win x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"This is exactly what happened to me.

I’m not going to go into it in detail as I’m having a low day and it’s very triggering.

I’m better off out of it but it hurts and will do for a while yet. I wonder how I’m going to trust anyone again"

I'm very sorry, Tea. It's a nasty thing to do to someone, so hurtful.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Would anyone like to share their experience of gaslighting and how it's affected them? It's been on my mind & I know there are others here who've experienced it.

a great topic to bring up

I think I read a thread on another site which made me realise I had been gaslighted for years. Maybe that might happen here. Sharing experience is therapeutic because we know others understand what we went through.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My sons done it to me a few times. He’s not trying to destabilise me. He tells me one thing then changes his tune. "

An adult son?

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By *adyBugsWoman
over a year ago

cognito

I have experienced it with the narcissist who introduced me to fab. It’s taken years to get back to being me & I still find triggers sometimes that I didn’t know were there.

This lady offers some great support to victims of domestic abuse and that includes emotional and mental abuse: https://instagram.com/by.layx?utm_medium=copy_link

Or google Lejla please tell my story.

I hope anyone affected by any type of abuse such as gaslighting can heal and find happiness in life again

my inbox is open if you need a space talk and someone to listen.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Christ

that is an intense, horrible experience to have lived through. Do you still have to have contact with him via your kids? "

That's just the tip of the iceburg tbf and not even close to the worst, he went from lightly gaslighting me and separating me from friend and family to full on psyco by the end, no no contact for about 3 years now the courts gave me and both my kids restrain orders to prevent contact

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Haha, I've been there. It's such a dangerous place, the trauma doesn't stop when you take the big leap and step out. It will follow you for years, like a disease. For me, it was not just my ex.She managed to do the same thing to my family and friends, and then all of them to do it to me. Like a zombie bloody film. I had to go all the way down to be able to put myself in one piece again and start a new life.

It sucks, but this is life. Up and down, we learn every day. When you recover from it, nobody can do it to you anymore.

Sorry, I don't want to post details, it's by far the darkest place where I've been. For years.

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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago

STOKE ON TRENT

"Haha, I've been there. It's such a dangerous place, the trauma doesn't stop when you take the big leap and step out. It will follow you for years, like a disease. For me, it was not just my ex.She managed to do the same thing to my family and friends, and then all of them to do it to me. Like a zombie bloody film. I had to go all the way down to be able to put myself in one piece again and start a new life.

It sucks, but this is life. Up and down, we learn every day. When you recover from it, nobody can do it to you anymore.

Sorry, I don't want to post details, it's by far the darkest place where I've been. For years. "

And good on you xxxxx

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By *reedomBonerMan
over a year ago

London

"Would anyone like to share their experience of gaslighting and how it's affected them? It's been on my mind & I know there are others here who've experienced it.

Yes, been gaslighted before and it took me such a long time to recover. Maybe I never really will as getting into a relationship has not interested me since but it’s such a horrible experience.

I wished I had the know how to recognise such shitty behaviour and the ability to get out of such a situation.

I know it’s mostly men doing it to women but it does happen to men also.

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By *ubal1Man
over a year ago

Newry Down

"Is that the part where you're being lied to so that you think you're losing your mind? "

That's a precise definition; gaslighting is a term that is often misused. If the person you are with has a distorted grasp of reality, perhaps because of mental illness such as schizophrenia, which is a split from reality, not a split personality that would not be gadlightong, per se.

The attpt to distort has to be be conscious and deliberate and intended to deceive and manipulate.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

"I try and not let it affect me too much nowadays and see the positive but it's not easy.

Sorry to hear about that, Meli (but also I know that you've found happiness again so yay for that!). It eats away when you have to question every thing you've said.

It does doesn't it? I have a really good memory but even I can start to doubt things if it's always been questioned and challenged.

And thank you, I have found happiness again! I hope you do soon OP, xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have experienced it with the narcissist who introduced me to fab. It’s taken years to get back to being me & I still find triggers sometimes that I didn’t know were there.

This lady offers some great support to victims of domestic abuse and that includes emotional and mental abuse: https://instagram.com/by.layx?utm_medium=copy_link

*** Or google Lejla please tell my story. ***

I hope anyone affected by any type of abuse such as gaslighting can heal and find happiness in life again

my inbox is open if you need a space talk and someone to listen. "

***

Found it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

These are the worst!! Or the ones who twist and tweak what you said so they can use it against you. No mate, I didn’t smack my little hate on the pavement… but you seem like YOU must have done x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"He also give me substances so I wouldn't know what was going on and let other men use me.

I wanna kick his cunt in

He's really not worth it.

My relationship with my children is stronger than ever, he failed to fool them so I win x "

You sound strong despite him. You definitely win!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I have experienced it with the narcissist who introduced me to fab. It’s taken years to get back to being me & I still find triggers sometimes that I didn’t know were there.

This lady offers some great support to victims of domestic abuse and that includes emotional and mental abuse: https://instagram.com/by.layx?utm_medium=copy_link

Or google Lejla please tell my story.

I hope anyone affected by any type of abuse such as gaslighting can heal and find happiness in life again

my inbox is open if you need a space talk and someone to listen. "

Thank you for sharing. I've followed her, I follow a few people that talk about emotional abuse. I know what you mean about triggers - it's a few years on for me but things still come back to me suddenly that set me off. We've got to be kind to ourselves when that happens.

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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago

STOKE ON TRENT

I don't fully understand this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Massive decision made without speaking to me. When I was eventually told, one comment from me was taken as being my acceptance. No discussion.

"You said it was ok." No I fucking didn't. It destroyed me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve been gaslighted many times x sadly and making me think or feel like I was the crazy one when I was right all along x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Christ

that is an intense, horrible experience to have lived through. Do you still have to have contact with him via your kids?

Very glad to hear that you are all safe now

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

It sucks, but this is life. Up and down, we learn every day. When you recover from it, nobody can do it to you anymore.

Sorry, I don't want to post details, it's by far the darkest place where I've been. For years. "

No need to share details, of course. I've found it has helped previously to just share the feelings and the impact with others who understand. Very sorry to hear that you experienced all of that.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Would anyone like to share their experience of gaslighting and how it's affected them? It's been on my mind & I know there are others here who've experienced it.

Yes, been gaslighted before and it took me such a long time to recover. Maybe I never really will as getting into a relationship has not interested me since but it’s such a horrible experience.

I wished I had the know how to recognise such shitty behaviour and the ability to get out of such a situation.

I know it’s mostly men doing it to women but it does happen to men also. "

I know several men to whom it's happened. Not a gendered issue at all. I think learning to trust that you can see the signs is very tough. I'm sorry this happened to you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I try and not let it affect me too much nowadays and see the positive but it's not easy.

Sorry to hear about that, Meli (but also I know that you've found happiness again so yay for that!). It eats away when you have to question every thing you've said.

It does doesn't it? I have a really good memory but even I can start to doubt things if it's always been questioned and challenged.

And thank you, I have found happiness again! I hope you do soon OP, xx"

I have an appalling memory now (bloody hormones!) so I will have to rely on my instincts and my family/friends looking out for me. They're very protective. Thank you Meli

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

"He also give me substances so I wouldn't know what was going on and let other men use me.

I wanna kick his cunt in

He's really not worth it.

My relationship with my children is stronger than ever, he failed to fool them so I win x

You sound strong despite him. You definitely win!"

Thank you

I've worked on getting me back to before him times, I will never be the same I have very little self confidence however I am strong willed he didn't beat that out of me.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

Gaslighting is far more sinister than the average imbalance in relationship dynamic

Looking at a clinical, psychological definition of gaslighting — according to Sarah DiGiulio , it is when

“the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory or perceptions.”

Barbara Ellen of The Guardian has another similar definition of gaslighting:

“systemically dissolving another person’s sense of self, until they’re questioning their every move and instinct.”

I fear the term is falling into overuse and often used for other relationship situations.

Luckily ( or not ) when it was 'attempted' on me - I warned the would be perpetrator that his actions were wholly transparent.

I'm glad I was much older/experienced and able to know my own mind. If i'd been younger......... who knows.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

Mind you...... I'm not even sure that he was a 'gaslighter' or whether he was just a manipulative liar who thought women were sweet little airheads.....

Foolish man either way

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

Anyone who likes a good old black n white with terribleh terribleh middle cless eccents might enjoy an afternoon of this.....

The genesis of the term........

I'm going to watch later. Hope the quality is good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYmtzaHwCKo

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By *toobguyMan
over a year ago

Manchester

It's not a pleasant place to be, everything seems great at the start, but 12months down the line you realise you rarely see your own friends and family anymore. Every decision is ultimately what they wanted and you are just made to feel like it's also what you wanted and agreed to. Any doubts are cleverly manipulated to assure you you are wrong and this I what you wanted all along.

When you finally see the light you look back and can't believe how you couldn't see what was going on.

It also leaves you very mistrustful. I wanted nothing to do with women for about 18mths after I'd escaped.

Not sure I'm 100% over it yet and it's over 15yrs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yea and the very reason I'll always be single..

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't fully understand this "

Not sure any of us do, Yasmeen. Gaslighting is emotional abuse but it's very insidious abuse much of the time. Starts with a small thing and then builds and builds.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I’ve been gaslighted many times x sadly and making me think or feel like I was the crazy one when I was right all along x "

Sorry to hear that, Kylie. Can you trust your instincts anymore?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Mind you...... I'm not even sure that he was a 'gaslighter' or whether he was just a manipulative liar who thought women were sweet little airheads.....

Foolish man either way "

Imagine thinking you were a sweet little airhead!

Will check out your YT video, thank you

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yea and the very reason I'll always be single.. "

Same age as me. It's awful that someone can affect you to this point and probably they will never look back or go on and do it to another.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It's not a pleasant place to be, everything seems great at the start, but 12months down the line you realise you rarely see your own friends and family anymore. Every decision is ultimately what they wanted and you are just made to feel like it's also what you wanted and agreed to. Any doubts are cleverly manipulated to assure you you are wrong and this I what you wanted all along.

When you finally see the light you look back and can't believe how you couldn't see what was going on.

It also leaves you very mistrustful. I wanted nothing to do with women for about 18mths after I'd escaped.

Not sure I'm 100% over it yet and it's over 15yrs."

Maybe it does stay with you for life, but I hope after 15 years that you have regained some trust, and also faith in your judgment? It's trauma, it leaves a shadow sadly

. I'm sorry it happened to you.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

These are the worst!! Or the ones who twist and tweak what you said so they can use it against you. No mate, I didn’t smack my little hate on the pavement… but you seem like YOU must have done x

Honestly I was really fortunate that we started our relationship long distance so most of our conversations in the early days were by message because in the end he was trying to twist absolutely everything I said or everything we agreed and I was able to find the messages to prove that things were as I recalled and I hadn't broken agreements and things. Basically any time he was caught doing anything wrong he tried to convince me I had somehow done the same. When he was caught cheating on me he told me I had cheated on him too so we were as bad as each other but it was ok because we could work through it together. I had no idea what he was talking about. Turns out he was referring to a time before we were even together and were just having casual sex when I had gone to an event and slept with another woman. The most annoying part is that I'd even checked in with him at the time even though it was just casual sex and he had actively encouraged me to go and enjoy myself. To then have this used against me 18 months later to excuse his cheating, a year into the relationship he had wanted to be monogamous was a bit of a blow.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

I watched the film. Over 80 years old and with no special effects but it was a very good way to spend 90 mins yesterday.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I watched the film. Over 80 years old and with no special effects but it was a very good way to spend 90 mins yesterday."

With Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

"I watched the film. Over 80 years old and with no special effects but it was a very good way to spend 90 mins yesterday.

With Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd? "

No. The 1940's one with actors I can't recall.

I'm going to watch the Ingrid Bergman one tomorrow or Monday.... the early one was a pretty good example of why the phenomena got it's name.

I'm going to check the one you mention .....cos ive never heard of it and I don't think it exists

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

[Removed by poster at 15/10/21 23:24:16]

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

Moonlighting ....... tsk

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I watched the film. Over 80 years old and with no special effects but it was a very good way to spend 90 mins yesterday."

Thanks for the link GC. It's on my weekend watch list.

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By *ervent_fervourMan
over a year ago

Halifax

"Would anyone like to share their experience of gaslighting and how it's affected them? It's been on my mind & I know there are others here who've experienced it.

It's evil. I know it reflects on how fucked up they are, amd i should (and do) feel pity. But god it fucks you up, or can do.

Hugs to anyone who's been on the receiving end.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

These are the worst!! Or the ones who twist and tweak what you said so they can use it against you. No mate, I didn’t smack my little hate on the pavement… but you seem like YOU must have done x

Sorry Lacey, missed that you'd posted. The twisting things around is such a standard behaviour isn't it?

My ex ramped that up when we separated. Just made my head spin, as I imagine your ex did to you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I watched the film. Over 80 years old and with no special effects but it was a very good way to spend 90 mins yesterday.

With Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd?

No. The 1940's one with actors I can't recall.

I'm going to watch the Ingrid Bergman one tomorrow or Monday.... the early one was a pretty good example of why the phenomena got it's name.

I'm going to check the one you mention .....cos ive never heard of it and I don't think it exists "

He's just winding up, he's got form!

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By *urio77Man
over a year ago

northampton

"I don’t fully understand what it is "

Same here. Gaslighting is quite a new word ans I would also be interested in what it means?

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By *anilla switchWoman
over a year ago

Hampshire

My ex husband would drip-feed GS comments over a period of year's. It got so bad I wouldn't even trust my own judgement, thought I was going crazy.

He was a very controlling person who literally took the air I breathed.

The worst it got was when he told ‘I was messed up in the head because my parents had died some years earlier’.

Thankfully during counselling sessions I started to see the problem was in him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Same here. Gaslighting is quite a new word ans I would also be interested in what it means?"

Gaslighting is a colloquialism that is defined as making someone question their own reality. The term is also used informally to describe someone who persistently puts forth a false narrative which leads another person to doubt their own perceptions to the extent that they become disorientated and distressed.

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By *ilverjagMan
over a year ago

swansea

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Same here. Gaslighting is quite a new word ans I would also be interested in what it means?"

Same here, I had to Google it to see what it's all about. However on reading the definitions, it could explain why there are so much damaged goods up for grabs on straight dating sites.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Same here. Gaslighting is quite a new word ans I would also be interested in what it means?

That's a good explanation. Nowadays coercive control is something which is finally recognised by law too. And hopefully prosecuted.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Same here. Gaslighting is quite a new word ans I would also be interested in what it means?

Same here, I had to Google it to see what it's all about. However on reading the definitions, it could explain why there are so much damaged goods up for grabs on straight dating sites. "

Damaged goods?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It must be my fault.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Same here. Gaslighting is quite a new word ans I would also be interested in what it means?

Same here, I had to Google it to see what it's all about. However on reading the definitions, it could explain why there are so much damaged goods up for grabs on straight dating sites. "

WTAF?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Same here. Gaslighting is quite a new word ans I would also be interested in what it means?"

It actually refers back to the 1944 Ingrid Bergman film "Gaslight". Playing with someone's mind has always been around.

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By *elshkinkyMan
over a year ago

south wales

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Same here. Gaslighting is quite a new word ans I would also be interested in what it means?

Same here, I had to Google it to see what it's all about. However on reading the definitions, it could explain why there are so much damaged goods up for grabs on straight dating sites. "

Ummm

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Same here. Gaslighting is quite a new word ans I would also be interested in what it means?

Same here, I had to Google it to see what it's all about. However on reading the definitions, it could explain why there are so much damaged goods up for grabs on straight dating sites. "

People are not goods to be consumed by others. Plus someone who has been hurt by others doesn't necessarily make them damaged.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It must be my fault."

Is that what someone told you or is that what you think?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well the Government are ahead in numbers of how many people they’ve gas lighted.

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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Same here. Gaslighting is quite a new word ans I would also be interested in what it means?

Same here, I had to Google it to see what it's all about. However on reading the definitions, it could explain why there are so much damaged goods up for grabs on straight dating sites. "

Well you're a charmer

Referring to people who have been abused as damaged goods says more about you than the people who have been through it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Same here. Gaslighting is quite a new word ans I would also be interested in what it means?

Same here, I had to Google it to see what it's all about. However on reading the definitions, it could explain why there are so much damaged goods up for grabs on straight dating sites.

Well you're a charmer

Referring to people who have been abused as damaged goods says more about you than the people who have been through it.

I've green arrowed him before. Doesn't surprise me.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"My ex husband would drip-feed GS comments over a period of year's. It got so bad I wouldn't even trust my own judgement, thought I was going crazy.

He was a very controlling person who literally took the air I breathed.

The worst it got was when he told ‘I was messed up in the head because my parents had died some years earlier’.

Thankfully during counselling sessions I started to see the problem was in him.

Mine said I was looking for abuse that wasn't there, because I was damaged after the abuse suffered by the hands of my dad. I was overreacting because of the trauma. Hid well behind that he did for nearly 20 years.

For anyone who would like to say I'm the damaged goods, should maybe look at the abusers in that way not the victims.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My ex husband would drip-feed GS comments over a period of year's. It got so bad I wouldn't even trust my own judgement, thought I was going crazy.

He was a very controlling person who literally took the air I breathed.

The worst it got was when he told ‘I was messed up in the head because my parents had died some years earlier’.

Thankfully during counselling sessions I started to see the problem was in him.

I'm really glad you did see the truth with some help. Pretty difficult to spot when you're in the midst of it. I hope you can trust your judgment again?

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By *anilla switchWoman
over a year ago

Hampshire

"My ex husband would drip-feed GS comments over a period of year's. It got so bad I wouldn't even trust my own judgement, thought I was going crazy.

He was a very controlling person who literally took the air I breathed.

The worst it got was when he told ‘I was messed up in the head because my parents had died some years earlier’.

Thankfully during counselling sessions I started to see the problem was in him.

I'm really glad you did see the truth with some help. Pretty difficult to spot when you're in the midst of it. I hope you can trust your judgment again? "

Me too x

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By *anilla switchWoman
over a year ago

Hampshire

"My ex husband would drip-feed GS comments over a period of year's. It got so bad I wouldn't even trust my own judgement, thought I was going crazy.

He was a very controlling person who literally took the air I breathed.

The worst it got was when he told ‘I was messed up in the head because my parents had died some years earlier’.

Thankfully during counselling sessions I started to see the problem was in him.

For anyone who would like to say I'm the damaged goods, should maybe look at the abusers in that way not the victims. "

So fortunate to have got away.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My ex husband would drip-feed GS comments over a period of year's. It got so bad I wouldn't even trust my own judgement, thought I was going crazy.

He was a very controlling person who literally took the air I breathed.

The worst it got was when he told ‘I was messed up in the head because my parents had died some years earlier’.

Thankfully during counselling sessions I started to see the problem was in him.

For anyone who would like to say I'm the damaged goods, should maybe look at the abusers in that way not the victims.

So fortunate to have got away. "

However you got away, you're all strong people for getting through it.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

I posted two definitions way above.......

Here they are again ......

1. Looking at a clinical, psychological definition of gaslighting — according to Sarah DiGiulio , it is when

“the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory or perceptions.”

2.Barbara Ellen of The Guardian has another similar definition of gaslighting:

“systemically dissolving another person’s sense of self, until they’re questioning their every move and instinct.”

The term is taken from A 1938 book. It was made into a film in 1940 and again into a film in 1944 ( I think the 44 was U.S. version ) anyway Ingrid Bergman was in it.

The 1940 version free on You Tube. The 1944 is rentable on Prime.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"I posted two definitions way above.......

Here they are again ......

1. Looking at a clinical, psychological definition of gaslighting — according to Sarah DiGiulio , it is when

“the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory or perceptions.”

2.Barbara Ellen of The Guardian has another similar definition of gaslighting:

“systemically dissolving another person’s sense of self, until they’re questioning their every move and instinct.”

The term is taken from A 1938 book. It was made into a film in 1940 and again into a film in 1944 ( I think the 44 was U.S. version ) anyway Ingrid Bergman was in it.

The 1940 version free on You Tube. The 1944 is rentable on Prime. "

Thank you, I shall look into these. It's what I believe I was subjected to though I doubt my ex would agree for us to get in officially diagnosed. I wonder why?

But I do think the lines of gaslighting and coercive control overlap a fair bit.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

Damaged Good comment ........

I have just today been reading a mag article about the problem of asking 'why won't she leave?' when the question should be 'why won't he stop?'

There have been perpetrator programmes in the U.S. since the 80's.

Sadiq Khan - said he will , ' continue funding innovative progammes focused on addressing the behaviour of perpetrators of abuse.'

Priti Patel - 'we want to stop these crimes from happening in the first place by growing our understanding of who commits them and why.'

Sadie Jones - case manager ' If we don't tackle the root cause of the behaviour , when one abusive relationship is done and dusted, he's likely to enter into a new one, and that cycle will start all over again.' ....

Damaged by who ????

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I posted two definitions way above.......

Here they are again ......

1. Looking at a clinical, psychological definition of gaslighting — according to Sarah DiGiulio , it is when

“the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory or perceptions.”

2.Barbara Ellen of The Guardian has another similar definition of gaslighting:

“systemically dissolving another person’s sense of self, until they’re questioning their every move and instinct.”

The term is taken from A 1938 book. It was made into a film in 1940 and again into a film in 1944 ( I think the 44 was U.S. version ) anyway Ingrid Bergman was in it.

The 1940 version free on You Tube. The 1944 is rentable on Prime.

Thank you, I shall look into these. It's what I believe I was subjected to though I doubt my ex would agree for us to get in officially diagnosed. I wonder why?

But I do think the lines of gaslighting and coercive control overlap a fair bit. "

I think several people here have described what I would call coercive control for sure.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Damaged Good comment ........

I have just today been reading a mag article about the problem of asking 'why won't she leave?' when the question should be 'why won't he stop?'

There have been perpetrator programmes in the U.S. since the 80's.

Sadiq Khan - said he will , ' continue funding innovative progammes focused on addressing the behaviour of perpetrators of abuse.'

Priti Patel - 'we want to stop these crimes from happening in the first place by growing our understanding of who commits them and why.'

Damaged by who ???? "

I don't think the person who mentioned damaged goods will be back, Granny - do you?

I get really really angry at "why doesn't she leave?". It's in the same vein IMO as "why did she walk home?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don’t fully understand what it is

Same here. Gaslighting is quite a new word ans I would also be interested in what it means?

Same here, I had to Google it to see what it's all about. However on reading the definitions, it could explain why there are so much damaged goods up for grabs on straight dating sites. "

This is one of the worst comments I’ve seen on here. Disgusting.

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

I wish I had the words and energy to share even a part of my story, but I've not today.

To all those who have been brave enough to share, I salute you.

To all those who have been brave enough to recognise the problem, to those who have escaped, those who cannot escape, those who feel this may be you, I salute you too.

And to all those who can see themselves in any of the stories of abuse and understand, I wish you didn't. Because i wish you hadn't been through it.

But reach out, if you can. To someone. Anyone. There are people who care, people who know. And people who can and wanf to help.

You are a survivor. Because you're still here. Still breathing and still putting one foot in front of the other. You rock.

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