FabSwingers.com forum: Absurd Similes for Sex

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Anyone heard anymore?

1. ‘His member barrelled into her like a monorail, its conductor passed out d*unk on the accelerator, into a mountain tunnel.’

2. ‘She shielded her bosom with her forearm as if she were a young man hiding his premature baldness with a ballcap.’

3. ‘Her tongue ran over her buttocks like someone in their first marathon, legs jelly-like, stumbling over the finish line.’

4. ‘After she came, the features of her face remained contorted as if a friend had taped them that way while she slept, supposedly as a prank, but really as a passive-aggressive retailiation for getting wine cooler stains on the skirt she didn’t even ask if she could borrow.’

5. ‘He studied his semen between his pointer and thumb as if it was a page of trigonometry equations in an SAT prep workbook that he was glossing over while he thought about what magazine he was going to bring into the bathroom and masturbate with.’

6. ‘She watched Jeff walk naked around the uneven bars, his scrotum swinging like a… What’s that thing with the silver balls on the strings? P-something? …”Parthenon”? No, that’s where the British have their tribal meetings. …”Palindrome”? Yeah. His scrotum swinging like a palindrome.’

7. ‘His fingers deep inside her were like a paralegal carefully combing through the 2002 cases in a sleek steel file cabinet.’

8. ‘The husband watched as the index finger of his wife spread the au pair’s lips like a knife does mayonnaise substitute on whole wheat toast.’

9. ‘He paused mid-thrust after the prostitute emitted a groan that sounded like a wounded stegosaurus.’

10. ‘Magdalena could suck him like a vacuum cleaner created by a leech who played for the Clippers, listened to “Yanni: Live at Red Rocks”, and co-owned a lollipop factory.’