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"I think you will find that going to a club again after a long absence, due to the pandemic, has been a challenging experience for many people. I am usually fairly outgoing, but I felt tense and awkward for the first couple of visits. You said that you conquered the social anxiety after a few visits initially 4 years ago, so my only advise is to stick with it. Try going back another 2 or 3 times. Set yourself a target to say hello and introduce yourself to maybe 3 people. If you practice an opening sentence that might help. Hi I'm "Bob" I am feeling a bit anxious this evening, do you mind if u talk to you for a couple of minutes. That let's the people know it will be a brief chat and no expectations. A friend was given the tip to pretend he was confident, like he was acting, and that helped him a lot. Try to smile, look at people and if you feel uncomfortable just have a walk about or chat to the bar staff. Have a look who has done club reviews and send them a message asking when they are going and could you look out for them to say hi next time. You can then explain via message about your situation. I'm sure you will get there, so be brave and keep going. " I'll give it a try but it won't be easy. | |||
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"I think you will find that going to a club again after a long absence, due to the pandemic, has been a challenging experience for many people. I am usually fairly outgoing, but I felt tense and awkward for the first couple of visits. You said that you conquered the social anxiety after a few visits initially 4 years ago, so my only advise is to stick with it. Try going back another 2 or 3 times. Set yourself a target to say hello and introduce yourself to maybe 3 people. If you practice an opening sentence that might help. Hi I'm "Bob" I am feeling a bit anxious this evening, do you mind if u talk to you for a couple of minutes. That let's the people know it will be a brief chat and no expectations. A friend was given the tip to pretend he was confident, like he was acting, and that helped him a lot. Try to smile, look at people and if you feel uncomfortable just have a walk about or chat to the bar staff. Have a look who has done club reviews and send them a message asking when they are going and could you look out for them to say hi next time. You can then explain via message about your situation. I'm sure you will get there, so be brave and keep going. " Acting confident is a brilliant method as if you look confident, people treat you as if you are confident and that in turn builds up your confidence. I was told most confident looking people are also just as scared of rejection, they just don't show it. The advice I was given, was to walk into the club and smile and (if you can) say hi to everyone you pass (not just the ladies you fancy). People will see you are friendly, happy to talk and look confident and so if they are also nervous, they are much more likely to then want to come and talk to you. | |||
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"I just want to thank you OP for bring this to people's attention. I suffer with this problem too." No problem. I thought it would help people who are having trouble with social anxieties. | |||
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"I think you will find that going to a club again after a long absence, due to the pandemic, has been a challenging experience for many people. I am usually fairly outgoing, but I felt tense and awkward for the first couple of visits. You said that you conquered the social anxiety after a few visits initially 4 years ago, so my only advise is to stick with it. Try going back another 2 or 3 times. Set yourself a target to say hello and introduce yourself to maybe 3 people. If you practice an opening sentence that might help. Hi I'm "Bob" I am feeling a bit anxious this evening, do you mind if u talk to you for a couple of minutes. That let's the people know it will be a brief chat and no expectations. A friend was given the tip to pretend he was confident, like he was acting, and that helped him a lot. Try to smile, look at people and if you feel uncomfortable just have a walk about or chat to the bar staff. Have a look who has done club reviews and send them a message asking when they are going and could you look out for them to say hi next time. You can then explain via message about your situation. I'm sure you will get there, so be brave and keep going. Acting confident is a brilliant method as if you look confident, people treat you as if you are confident and that in turn builds up your confidence. I was told most confident looking people are also just as scared of rejection, they just don't show it. The advice I was given, was to walk into the club and smile and (if you can) say hi to everyone you pass (not just the ladies you fancy). People will see you are friendly, happy to talk and look confident and so if they are also nervous, they are much more likely to then want to come and talk to you." The problem for me is even if I was to look confident and smile, I still don't get noticed by people. | |||
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"Ive been a socialphobe for afew years now, i used to be full of beans and jump on the karaoke or jump to a challenge. Now i tend to pick the quietest corner and try and remain un noticed. "That's not good. I did that when I went to Cupids for the first time. | |||
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"Ive been a socialphobe for afew years now, i used to be full of beans and jump on the karaoke or jump to a challenge. Now i tend to pick the quietest corner and try and remain un noticed.
That's not good. I did that when I went to Cupids for the first time."I used to love doing partys and whatnot never been into highstreet clubs as such but the thought of going to a killing kittens or mansions just fills me with fear | |||
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"Ive been a socialphobe for afew years now, i used to be full of beans and jump on the karaoke or jump to a challenge. Now i tend to pick the quietest corner and try and remain un noticed.
That's not good. I did that when I went to Cupids for the first time.
I used to love doing partys and whatnot never been into highstreet clubs as such but the thought of going to a killing kittens or mansions just fills me with fear "Ah right. Cupids was the first swinging club I've ever been to and have been going there ever since. | |||
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"... The problem for me is even if I was to look confident and smile, I still don't get noticed by people." Ah, you see. I bet you do, you just aren't noticing it. It's tricky, but still... acting confident still builds confidence. It just takes time. | |||
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"Everyone has social anxiety. It’s just life. If you’ve made it out of the house, you have control of your anxiety. Feeling uncomfortable or shy, especially due to covid restrictions in my opinion isn’t social anxiety, it’s an issue faced by the majority of people. Remember standing on stage to make a speech or being sang happy birthday and we want a giant hole to sink into. I am saying there is a difference between mental illness and feeling anxious or uncomfortable." Levels are what are important here though. Yes, everyone has some degree of anxiety, but it's when it starts to control your life that it becomes a mental health issue. When you can't even face seeing your best mates at your local due to anxiety, that is 'not' the normal, expected level of anxiety. | |||
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"Everyone has social anxiety. It’s just life. If you’ve made it out of the house, you have control of your anxiety. Feeling uncomfortable or shy, especially due to covid restrictions in my opinion isn’t social anxiety, it’s an issue faced by the majority of people. Remember standing on stage to make a speech or being sang happy birthday and we want a giant hole to sink into. I am saying there is a difference between mental illness and feeling anxious or uncomfortable. Levels are what are important here though. Yes, everyone has some degree of anxiety, but it's when it starts to control your life that it becomes a mental health issue. When you can't even face seeing your best mates at your local due to anxiety, that is 'not' the normal, expected level of anxiety." | |||
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"Everyone has social anxiety. It’s just life. If you’ve made it out of the house, you have control of your anxiety. Feeling uncomfortable or shy, especially due to covid restrictions in my opinion isn’t social anxiety, it’s an issue faced by the majority of people. Remember standing on stage to make a speech or being sang happy birthday and we want a giant hole to sink into. I am saying there is a difference between mental illness and feeling anxious or uncomfortable." Yes there is a difference but unless you have social anxiety you wouldn’t understand. Regardless of covid people live day in day out with anxiety and at times it can be completely debilitating and it’s completely above and beyond being shy as you put | |||
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"Thought I'd post this to help raise awareness for those with social anxieties. With everyone back out there and in the clubs socialising after so long, many have probably lost the skills and confidence that helped them overcome their social anxieties before. Why do we have it? What is the root of our anxieties? How can we overcome it? In my experience, the root of my social anxieties probably stems from when I was bullied and feeling socially awkward when I was a kid. I have Asperger's Syndrome which does make socialising a bit of a problem as I can't read social cues. Today, I would feel fine around people I know but when it comes to new faces, I wouldn't know what to do or say se I end up doing nothing out of fear of being rejected and embarrassed. Negative thoughts would end up in my head like "nobody wants to talk to me" and "who would want to hang around with me?" which would make me feel really down and less confident. When I first went to Cupids four years ago, I felt like this on the first couple of visits but it improved after making some new friends and had many great times and experiences which helped me gain confidence and overcome my social anxieties. Sadly, my recent visit last night was like when I first went four years ago. I didn't talk to anyone and left early as my social anxiety came back which made me lose my confidence." Just wanted to say well done on going back to the club and pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone. Social anxiety is really hard and sometimes having a supportive friend can really help, I know this isn’t possible for everyone. Maybe in the future you will have a positive experience wishing you all the best. The wife | |||
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"Thought I'd post this to help raise awareness for those with social anxieties. With everyone back out there and in the clubs socialising after so long, many have probably lost the skills and confidence that helped them overcome their social anxieties before. Why do we have it? What is the root of our anxieties? How can we overcome it? In my experience, the root of my social anxieties probably stems from when I was bullied and feeling socially awkward when I was a kid. I have Asperger's Syndrome which does make socialising a bit of a problem as I can't read social cues. Today, I would feel fine around people I know but when it comes to new faces, I wouldn't know what to do or say se I end up doing nothing out of fear of being rejected and embarrassed. Negative thoughts would end up in my head like "nobody wants to talk to me" and "who would want to hang around with me?" which would make me feel really down and less confident. When I first went to Cupids four years ago, I felt like this on the first couple of visits but it improved after making some new friends and had many great times and experiences which helped me gain confidence and overcome my social anxieties. Sadly, my recent visit last night was like when I first went four years ago. I didn't talk to anyone and left early as my social anxiety came back which made me lose my confidence." A lot of that resonates. The social cues is a big issue for me. But I have over the years learnt (to the best of my abilities) the rules of the game. I'm actually very social, it's just been difficult to learn how to read and socialise with others. I sort of have plan how social situations will work out and if they don't this can put me on the back foot and cause anxiety. I hate when I've unintentionally upset or offended someone when I didn't mean to. And I get frustrated when I've made social mistakes. I cope well in general in social situations because of experience, practise and understanding how others are different to me. I've simply had to put hard work into social situations that's others take for granted and do so naturally. I've been successful in life and a big part of that has been to learn to adapt to the world and others. It doesn't always go to plan. Sometimes I throw social hand grenades. Sometimes I get social awkward or overwhelmed. And sometimes this can lead to me doing some strange behaviour, much to Mrs Misfits amusement. And sometimes my anxiety and awkwardness is subtle, although Mrs Misfit can pick up on when I struggle even when I handle or disguise it well. And sometimes I can have a meltdown, normally when things don't go the direction I planned. I started on here and in club as a single guy. So as you can imagine the club scene and meeting new people was scary as Hell. But sometimes you have to push yourself to get where you need to be. The scene on the whole has done so much to boost my confidence and develop my skills. But to be fair I think in my own head I was more of a social weirdo than what other perceive me as. It really helps that Mrs Misfit understands me and how the world is different in my eyes. I am who and I am and she loves all of me including my weirdness. Generally it's not a thing, because it's not, it's just me. But in some situations it helps if people understand and she will drop in that I'm on the spectrum. It's just one of my quirks, it's just part of me. | |||
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"Thought I'd post this to help raise awareness for those with social anxieties. With everyone back out there and in the clubs socialising after so long, many have probably lost the skills and confidence that helped them overcome their social anxieties before. Why do we have it? What is the root of our anxieties? How can we overcome it? In my experience, the root of my social anxieties probably stems from when I was bullied and feeling socially awkward when I was a kid. I have Asperger's Syndrome which does make socialising a bit of a problem as I can't read social cues. Today, I would feel fine around people I know but when it comes to new faces, I wouldn't know what to do or say se I end up doing nothing out of fear of being rejected and embarrassed. Negative thoughts would end up in my head like "nobody wants to talk to me" and "who would want to hang around with me?" which would make me feel really down and less confident. When I first went to Cupids four years ago, I felt like this on the first couple of visits but it improved after making some new friends and had many great times and experiences which helped me gain confidence and overcome my social anxieties. Sadly, my recent visit last night was like when I first went four years ago. I didn't talk to anyone and left early as my social anxiety came back which made me lose my confidence. A lot of that resonates. The social cues is a big issue for me. But I have over the years learnt (to the best of my abilities) the rules of the game. I'm actually very social, it's just been difficult to learn how to read and socialise with others. I sort of have plan how social situations will work out and if they don't this can put me on the back foot and cause anxiety. I hate when I've unintentionally upset or offended someone when I didn't mean to. And I get frustrated when I've made social mistakes. I cope well in general in social situations because of experience, practise and understanding how others are different to me. I've simply had to put hard work into social situations that's others take for granted and do so naturally. I've been successful in life and a big part of that has been to learn to adapt to the world and others. It doesn't always go to plan. Sometimes I throw social hand grenades. Sometimes I get social awkward or overwhelmed. And sometimes this can lead to me doing some strange behaviour, much to Mrs Misfits amusement. And sometimes my anxiety and awkwardness is subtle, although Mrs Misfit can pick up on when I struggle even when I handle or disguise it well. And sometimes I can have a meltdown, normally when things don't go the direction I planned. I started on here and in club as a single guy. So as you can imagine the club scene and meeting new people was scary as Hell. But sometimes you have to push yourself to get where you need to be. The scene on the whole has done so much to boost my confidence and develop my skills. But to be fair I think in my own head I was more of a social weirdo than what other perceive me as. It really helps that Mrs Misfit understands me and how the world is different in my eyes. I am who and I am and she loves all of me including my weirdness. Generally it's not a thing, because it's not, it's just me. But in some situations it helps if people understand and she will drop in that I'm on the spectrum. It's just one of my quirks, it's just part of me." Thanks for sharing your take on how social anxiety affects you | |||
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"In my experience you tend to perceive others veiws of you and your own social performance a lot harsher than in reality they actually view you. Sometimes things don't flow well when your not a natural to socialising. Sometimes it can be combination of the crowd that's in, the atmosphere and simply if your on form yourself. Sometimes you get lucky because you bump into people who are instantly open and warm to you. But other times the people there may not be so forthcoming which of course if fine but makes life for you so much harder when you struggle in the first place. Its not much fun if you struggle to engage and as the anxiety builds it gets increasingly harder and more awkward. That does knock your confidence, I know situations like that knock mine. Especially if you are like me a social person who loves to socialise and can fine when comfortable with people. Makes it such the more frustrating when you find you just don't seem to have the tools to brake into others social bubbles. It's easy for me to say your fine, your perfectly OK. Which in reality you really are. But if your not really feeling it inside they're just words. Exposure and experience helps me. Even if you've been to clubs plenty of times IMO. Every night you get something out of it, even if it feels like defeat. Take stock if you need to but don't give up. In my experience the more you expose yourself the easier and more natural things get. Maybe part of the problem was because you'd been away from that club to long?" It's true that I've been away from Cupids too long due to what's been happier in the past. Plus not many of the people I know came back which does make me feel anxious. | |||
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"In my experience you tend to perceive others veiws of you and your own social performance a lot harsher than in reality they actually view you. Sometimes things don't flow well when your not a natural to socialising. Sometimes it can be combination of the crowd that's in, the atmosphere and simply if your on form yourself. Sometimes you get lucky because you bump into people who are instantly open and warm to you. But other times the people there may not be so forthcoming which of course if fine but makes life for you so much harder when you struggle in the first place. Its not much fun if you struggle to engage and as the anxiety builds it gets increasingly harder and more awkward. That does knock your confidence, I know situations like that knock mine. Especially if you are like me a social person who loves to socialise and can fine when comfortable with people. Makes it such the more frustrating when you find you just don't seem to have the tools to brake into others social bubbles. It's easy for me to say your fine, your perfectly OK. Which in reality you really are. But if your not really feeling it inside they're just words. Exposure and experience helps me. Even if you've been to clubs plenty of times IMO. Every night you get something out of it, even if it feels like defeat. Take stock if you need to but don't give up. In my experience the more you expose yourself the easier and more natural things get. Maybe part of the problem was because you'd been away from that club to long? It's true that I've been away from Cupids too long due to what's been happier in the past. Plus not many of the people I know came back which does make me feel anxious." That would put me on the back foot too. I think situations like that makes it a little harder for most people and they can kind of get that. But for some of us I think it feeling a bit unfamiliar or not as we're expecting makes things a lot harder than it does for most. To a level that is hard for people to understand and can make you feel a bit silly or alien in this world. We can't change the world, we have to adapt to the world. But a bit of awareness can help primarily in the people who know us or can see we're struggling. | |||
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"In my experience you tend to perceive others veiws of you and your own social performance a lot harsher than in reality they actually view you. Sometimes things don't flow well when your not a natural to socialising. Sometimes it can be combination of the crowd that's in, the atmosphere and simply if your on form yourself. Sometimes you get lucky because you bump into people who are instantly open and warm to you. But other times the people there may not be so forthcoming which of course if fine but makes life for you so much harder when you struggle in the first place. Its not much fun if you struggle to engage and as the anxiety builds it gets increasingly harder and more awkward. That does knock your confidence, I know situations like that knock mine. Especially if you are like me a social person who loves to socialise and can fine when comfortable with people. Makes it such the more frustrating when you find you just don't seem to have the tools to brake into others social bubbles. It's easy for me to say your fine, your perfectly OK. Which in reality you really are. But if your not really feeling it inside they're just words. Exposure and experience helps me. Even if you've been to clubs plenty of times IMO. Every night you get something out of it, even if it feels like defeat. Take stock if you need to but don't give up. In my experience the more you expose yourself the easier and more natural things get. Maybe part of the problem was because you'd been away from that club to long? It's true that I've been away from Cupids too long due to what's been happier in the past. Plus not many of the people I know came back which does make me feel anxious. That would put me on the back foot too. I think situations like that makes it a little harder for most people and they can kind of get that. But for some of us I think it feeling a bit unfamiliar or not as we're expecting makes things a lot harder than it does for most. To a level that is hard for people to understand and can make you feel a bit silly or alien in this world. We can't change the world, we have to adapt to the world. But a bit of awareness can help primarily in the people who know us or can see we're struggling." I agree. A bit of awareness would definitely help people understand other that struggle with anxiety. | |||
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"Im sad reading this thread. Humans are such social creatures, I can only imagine how difficult and isolating this anxiety must be. Im socially confident so I dont suffer with this, but Im really glad you started this thread OP. I hope you find your way to a happier comfort zone fof yourself in time xx" I'm sure I will get there one day. Hopefully sooner rather than later. | |||
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"Thanks OP for talking about Social Anxiety and being so open. I've suffered from social anxiety for all of my life. I knew there must be other people on here in the same boat. It's great to hear from you all." No problem. I thought it would be good to help spread some awareness of those who are struggling just as much as I am. | |||
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"I think you will find that going to a club again after a long absence, due to the pandemic, has been a challenging experience for many people. I am usually fairly outgoing, but I felt tense and awkward for the first couple of visits. You said that you conquered the social anxiety after a few visits initially 4 years ago, so my only advise is to stick with it. Try going back another 2 or 3 times. Set yourself a target to say hello and introduce yourself to maybe 3 people. If you practice an opening sentence that might help. Hi I'm "Bob" I am feeling a bit anxious this evening, do you mind if u talk to you for a couple of minutes. That let's the people know it will be a brief chat and no expectations. A friend was given the tip to pretend he was confident, like he was acting, and that helped him a lot. Try to smile, look at people and if you feel uncomfortable just have a walk about or chat to the bar staff. Have a look who has done club reviews and send them a message asking when they are going and could you look out for them to say hi next time. You can then explain via message about your situation. I'm sure you will get there, so be brave and keep going. " Great advice | |||
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"Recently chatting to someone at a club, they commented how confident I seemed, a beautiful thing to hear. I had to confess, I'm a nervous wreck! On the journey, my inside voice has been banging away at me. Getting ready to go out, I have an upset tummy, unable to eat, head is feeling full of rubbish thoughts. So by the time I go out, I can be trembling. Not the picture of confidence I portray. I am winning the argument little by little. Keep persevering op, you'll get there x " Thanks. I'm sure I will do. | |||
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"If I know someone I'm generally ok. But small talk I absolutely hate. I've been to one club since covid and I felt so socially awkward it's untrue. It was quite overwhelming considering how busy it was and the fact I hadn't seen that people inna social setting for a year and a half. " I know that feeling. | |||
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"Could form some sort of support group? Support each other with the site. Could even lead to meeting other people with social anxiety for sexual encounters." A support group here on the forum? Now that's a good idea. | |||
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