FabSwingers.com forum: Good and bad with being a pleaser

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Most of my life I have been a pleaser, trying to please others but I would hope it does not make me a door mat. Sometimes it has been taken advantage of.

The one thing about being a pleaser is that you sometimes forget what it takes to please yourself, or what makes you happy. I am never sure if I chose my original career for me or to please others or a mixture of both.

At the moment it leaves me in a catch 22 situation. As I have forgotten how to please me I am not sure what I want out of the rest of my life, however long or short that may be. While I may not want to be around I know for now I will be as friends want me around. I just need to continue to try and find a reason to be around for me.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

Start really small. Just do one thing a day.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Go shopping..spoil yourself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Most of my life I have been a pleaser, trying to please others but I would hope it does not make me a door mat. Sometimes it has been taken advantage of.

If you don’t do this already then it’s a great starting point…make your bed, every morning. If you achieve nothing else for the day then you have achieved at least one thing for yourself.

Like CatnipKitty says. Start small, even if it’s just by watching your favourite film or treating yourself to your favourite coffee. Once you begin to fill yourself with positive reinforcements you’ll be able to attain both self please and the pleasing of others without it leading to your own internal confliction

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Remind yourself of everything that used to bring you joy before you tipped the scales of looking after others more than yourself. Trust me it works.

Then pick a thing and go for it. Doesn't have to be anything significant. But when you do it.. tell others how it made you feel. Make a note to yourself and jot down some feelings. And keep going. Slowly you will make yourself priority again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As Tuberose and the other posters have said, don't rush into things. Making your bed every morning is great but keep a notebook handy with you maybe as stated above. If you are out and about and think of or see something you like make a note of it. You don't have to do it or start it straight away but making notes will help to focus your thinking back onto yourself. There are ways using a Minda Apple tree where you can write them down and hang them on an imaginary tree for instance or you can use post-it's which then allow you to organise them (especially if you colour code the messages on the notes). Hope some of that is useful and good luck.

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By *ornyhappyCouple
over a year ago

perth

Agree with the idea of doing little things just for yourself. I'm guilty of looking after others and forgetting to look after myself at times.

I did an online calendar thing in the past, can't remember what exactly it was described as, which involved small daily acts of 'self kindness' for a month. It was little things like buying yourself flowers, putting on make up (even if you weren't leaving the house), going for a walk, buying yourself a book or a magazine & taking time out of your day to read it, painting your nails etc etc.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Agree with the idea of doing little things just for yourself. I'm guilty of looking after others and forgetting to look after myself at times.

That's a great tip. I remember reading about making appointment with yourself.. as mad as it sounds it does work for some

I'm scheduling a pampering session.. an hour with a book.. a walk to a nature reserve.. anything what brings me joy and I'm sticking with it! Because it's an "appointment" you got to keep, like any other.

Just start. Somewhere.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Try and find out if you are dependant of the others validation and opinions about you. Learn to say NO and try to find a balance between giving and receiving, otherwise you'll be drained out of your good energy.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks for the replies

As suggested I do try and do one thing at least per day, just need to stop being too hard on myself and feeling guilty for doing that one thing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks for the replies

As suggested I do try and do one thing at least per day, just need to stop being too hard on myself and feeling guilty for doing that one thing "

It's so good to get rid of that guilt. But it's like an enormous turnip. Take a while to pull out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

*takes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks for the replies

As suggested I do try and do one thing at least per day, just need to stop being too hard on myself and feeling guilty for doing that one thing "

One little thing is still an achievement. Be proud of every achievement you gain. Stay positive buddy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Such good advice on this thread, OP. I would add that as these small things add up then improved confidence and belief in your decisions may well lead to larger and longer term projects. Good luck.

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By *hroatQueen_CATV/TS
over a year ago

Carlisle

Think of yourself too! Sometimes you think too much of others, you can sometimes forget you matter too. You only always have yourself! So don't forget about number one which is you. xo

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By *hroatQueen_CATV/TS
over a year ago

Carlisle

"Try and find out if you are dependant of the others validation and opinions about you. Learn to say NO and try to find a balance between giving and receiving, otherwise you'll be drained out of your good energy. "
So true!

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By *izzy.miss.lizzyCouple
over a year ago

Pembrokeshire

Thank you, OP, for posting this thread, it has identified a few grey areas of my situation for me too!!!

I hope you get to do your own thing more often without feeling bad about it because I know exactly how that goes down.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Such good advice on this thread, OP. I would add that as these small things add up then improved confidence and belief in your decisions may well lead to larger and longer term projects. Good luck."

Yes! You just build your stash without realising it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Think it’s mostly bad. I used to be a people pleaser. Decided to be a bastard for a while and enjoyed it much more. People were much nicer to me too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Think it’s mostly bad. I used to be a people pleaser. Decided to be a bastard for a while and enjoyed it much more. People were much nicer to me too. "

Nothing in between?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Think it’s mostly bad. I used to be a people pleaser. Decided to be a bastard for a while and enjoyed it much more. People were much nicer to me too.

Nothing in between? "

I was only a bastard to those who deserved it. Nice to everyone who is nice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Been where you are and yes I am still am but with a twist.

Pick a day, tell your friends and family on that day you will not be reachable. Turn your phone off, no going online at all either.

Get up, go for a walk, clear your head and see where your mood takes you. Do something just for you however big or small, something random. You'll soon find something you'll love.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been there,but,it should not be a one way street,disappear for the weekend,go somewhere alone,and get inside your head,you already have the answer,just need to find some quiet you time and listen

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to be a pleaser myself. All I got out of it was a failed marriage(it was an arranged one). If I had continued with pleasing others, I would be still in that horrible relationship just so that others would be happy about us.

I see that you are submissive. I am a sub too. I understand the conundrum and I think there is some link there. Naturally I don't like to be the person making decisions. I would rather be with someone who is more than willing to take decisions. But remember that not everyone's decisions will work out for you.

First you need to draw a line between on what kind if decisions you are fine with other people making and what kind of decisions you wouldn't want others to make. If you are finding it hard to control your submissive instincts and want to please others, choose the right people you want to please.

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