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Boundaries

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By *reya73 OP   Woman
over a year ago

Whitley Bay

On three occasions now, I have had messages here from men who have matched with me on a certain dating site where women message first.

I have swiped right but have not began the conversation .... Due to a myriad of reasons, who knows.. from re reading their profile and rethinking, a busy week, being ill, not getting round to it and then the time slot expires.

These fellas have clearly recognised me here and have chosen to re message me. Each message says something along the lines of.. 'Hey, saw you on Bumble, it was me, you didn't message, why not? ' etc.

Now..

I just find this incredibly invasive and odd. This is a different platform. I get that it may be frustrating..

But Surely if someone hasn't responded elsewhere .. The reason is irrelevant. Just leave it.

I don't question others boundaries. I don't question mine.

What boundaries do you have. What boundaries do you struggle with?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think a lot of people can get too invested in apps and websites which can lead them to crossing boundaries they aren't aware of.

Being in a couple especially, I only connect with people up to a certain point and any emotional connection is definitely off limits. I don't need to speak constantly or monitor what my playmates are doing with others. Some guys can treat it like a relationship which in my eyes crosses my boundaries and makes me back away a little.

I guess it's hard to work out strangers on the internet so laying them down up front is the easiest way to deal with things.

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Wakefield

Why did you swipe right if you had no intention of chatting? Just asking.

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By *reya73 OP   Woman
over a year ago

Whitley Bay


"Why did you swipe right if you had no intention of chatting? Just asking. "

I did have an intention. It's just that life took over and the time ran out.

Sometimes the swipe happens.. We don't match straight away and I'm not constantly checking or bound by it. There's a time limit and I may have life happen inbetween. Kids, partner, work etc.

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

The worst boundary overstep is when they find you on the book of face etc and try to add you or message, that's my personal page that has my family on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

People like that are a bit strange, if they can do that on the internet then they could turn up at your door for not answering a text or call. Fuck that.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

.

I think accepting others boundaries is important - it's basic human respect isn't it? I'm not sure why people test/push boundaries, unless it's part of the dynamic. Otherwise it's saying they don't care/respect your basic views and that's kind of irritating. Bit upsetting sometimes.

I have a few boundaries - not meeting/talking to (in more than a platonic sense) those close/good friends are meeting/talking to. I want to avoid potential drama/upset and so I'd say that's a hard boundary.

There are a couple more and sometimes I do struggle to assert myself with regards them. That doesn't mean I don't say them but more... I've had them pushed, nay shoved at times and because I'm a people pleaser I don't want to hurt/upset others so I end up trying to swallow my sad. That's not healthy is it? Nor fair on me.

I've recently started speaking up a bit about them because I've realised I have as much right to my boundaries as others do to theirs.

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By *eardsandboobsCouple
over a year ago

north of lincoln

We hate it when people message saying I went to school with you or I know you where you live. Then don’t actually say who they are .

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

I think that the internet is a sea of various sites that people are awash on, use almost unilaterally and with little regard for what site they’re on. People can have little care for boundaries in terms of getting what they want, even if it’s answers as to why they didn’t get a response!

In terms of my boundaries, that’s a difficult one at the moment as mine are reshaping but I think that basic respect and understanding of an individuals right to self determination should be universal

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"We hate it when people message saying I went to school with you or I know you where you live. Then don’t actually say who they are . "

Oh I know or you used to drink in x pub or I saw you walking along x road

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By *reya73 OP   Woman
over a year ago

Whitley Bay


"I think accepting others boundaries is important - it's basic human respect isn't it? I'm not sure why people test/push boundaries, unless it's part of the dynamic. Otherwise it's saying they don't care/respect your basic views and that's kind of irritating. Bit upsetting sometimes.

I have a few boundaries - not meeting/talking to (in more than a platonic sense) those close/good friends are meeting/talking to. I want to avoid potential drama/upset and so I'd say that's a hard boundary.

There are a couple more and sometimes I do struggle to assert myself with regards them. That doesn't mean I don't say them but more... I've had them pushed, nay shoved at times and because I'm a people pleaser I don't want to hurt/upset others so I end up trying to swallow my sad. That's not healthy is it? Nor fair on me.

I've recently started speaking up a bit about them because I've realised I have as much right to my boundaries as others do to theirs. "

Oo yes.. I think pushing or overriding/ignoring boundaries is mostly putting their needs to the forefront. It's an inner child thing. Attachment stuff.

And yes.. Your boundaries and expressing them are a gift to yourself and others. We need to know where the rim of the bowl is so we don't just constantly overspill!

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By *reya73 OP   Woman
over a year ago

Whitley Bay


"I think that the internet is a sea of various sites that people are awash on, use almost unilaterally and with little regard for what site they’re on. People can have little care for boundaries in terms of getting what they want, even if it’s answers as to why they didn’t get a response!

In terms of my boundaries, that’s a difficult one at the moment as mine are reshaping but I think that basic respect and understanding of an individuals right to self determination should be universal

"

Awash with an awash of people and sites. Yup. I'm mot phased by it really. I guess respect and understanding can be even more distant across the interweaveywebby, yep.

X

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)


"I think that the internet is a sea of various sites that people are awash on, use almost unilaterally and with little regard for what site they’re on. People can have little care for boundaries in terms of getting what they want, even if it’s answers as to why they didn’t get a response!

In terms of my boundaries, that’s a difficult one at the moment as mine are reshaping but I think that basic respect and understanding of an individuals right to self determination should be universal

Awash with an awash of people and sites. Yup. I'm mot phased by it really. I guess respect and understanding can be even more distant across the interweaveywebby, yep.

X "

Was that a wishy washy answer from me?

I didn’t actually answer your question, I just floated away on water metaphors…

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is why I have a different username on every site. Because a guy has been actively finding me on them. Two years later...just creepy as hell.

OP they can't possibly have thought they'd get anywhere - was it just to guilt you, do you think?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This is why I have a different username on every site. Because a guy has been actively finding me on them. Two years later...just creepy as hell.

OP they can't possibly have thought they'd get anywhere - was it just to guilt you, do you think? "

Ironically I have the same username on a site and encourage people that are interested in what I offer to view it as I can't post the photos on here. Only a handful have and I never hear from them again lol.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The worst boundary overstep is when they find you on the book of face etc and try to add you or message, that's my personal page that has my family on "

I've been friend requested on there by men I've had meets with on here. If I was to do that to a guy they'd think i was a major bunny boiler lol

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By *reya73 OP   Woman
over a year ago

Whitley Bay


"I think that the internet is a sea of various sites that people are awash on, use almost unilaterally and with little regard for what site they’re on. People can have little care for boundaries in terms of getting what they want, even if it’s answers as to why they didn’t get a response!

In terms of my boundaries, that’s a difficult one at the moment as mine are reshaping but I think that basic respect and understanding of an individuals right to self determination should be universal

Awash with an awash of people and sites. Yup. I'm mot phased by it really. I guess respect and understanding can be even more distant across the interweaveywebby, yep.

X

Was that a wishy washy answer from me?

I didn’t actually answer your question, I just floated away on water metaphors…"

Nope, very philosophical and succinct I thought

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By *reya73 OP   Woman
over a year ago

Whitley Bay


"This is why I have a different username on every site. Because a guy has been actively finding me on them. Two years later...just creepy as hell.

OP they can't possibly have thought they'd get anywhere - was it just to guilt you, do you think? "

Yes very creepy and pushing their needs and agenda to the front. It's an override of you.. The person they initially deemed attractive and worthy of their attention ..and it most definitely becomes not about attraction but some deficit in their world, not yours.

They can try guilt me all they want but I'm not buying it.

My names are different but I'm going to look at photos x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Unfortunately, this is social media for you.

Society is a mixed bag of people from good to bad and all in between.

I guess this is easy for me to say because I use very few social media sites/apps.

Too many people log in here assuming if a person is here, it means they'll put out.

All I can suggest is to be prepared that people can do easily cross boundaries and platforms, and deal with them how you feel fit.

Block if you feel it's not appropriate, if that's how you feel then they've shown you you're not compatible.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This is why I have a different username on every site. Because a guy has been actively finding me on them. Two years later...just creepy as hell.

OP they can't possibly have thought they'd get anywhere - was it just to guilt you, do you think?

Yes very creepy and pushing their needs and agenda to the front. It's an override of you.. The person they initially deemed attractive and worthy of their attention ..and it most definitely becomes not about attraction but some deficit in their world, not yours.

They can try guilt me all they want but I'm not buying it.

My names are different but I'm going to look at photos x "

It is highly manipulative, I agree. I change name/age/photos/profile text. It's a pita but I won't get nasty surprises.

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