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"to ask a person where they are from when you notice they have an accent or some indication they may not be from UK shores? I have had this discussion with my friends and opinions are divided. Some say if you only just met the person, it is too intrusive and you should wait until they volunteer a bit more about themselves. Another felt it should not be asked at all. Opinions? " Wait till u know them a bit. My accent is a mix of standard southern English with an American twang and people can’t pin point it really as I go from using some real posh way to pronounce certain things to … Americana  so yeah..
I don’t mind answering and saying about my mama etc but I’d find it intrusive if someone asked where my accent is from exactly from the get go…
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"I would ask it may be a nice accent and can open the conversation up more" This is a nice way to ask for it x  | |||
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"I always get asked this. I don't see how anyone can find this intrusive or unacceptable. "Well, listening to some of my own "foreign" friends whom I also asked, they all without exception found it intrusive. A couple have likened it to be asked if they were married or had children. And one say that she rather said something like "Thailand" (which she obviously was not) to end the conversation there. Personally, hearing this I would not ask unless they gave me a clue that they did not mind being asked. | |||
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"to ask a person where they are from when you notice they have an accent or some indication they may not be from UK shores? I have had this discussion with my friends and opinions are divided. Some say if you only just met the person, it is too intrusive and you should wait until they volunteer a bit more about themselves. Another felt it should not be asked at all. Opinions? " Not at all. If you have an accent that means you didn’t grow up around here. That’s interesting. I want to know more | |||
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"to ask a person where they are from when you notice they have an accent or some indication they may not be from UK shores? I have had this discussion with my friends and opinions are divided. Some say if you only just met the person, it is too intrusive and you should wait until they volunteer a bit more about themselves. Another felt it should not be asked at all. Opinions? " I would say that is perfectly acceptable to ask. It’s the way the question is phrased that is important. Curiosity without fear of judgment is an impact factor in building a connection. | |||
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"The discussion arose when one of my friends actually asked a person they had only just met and it was clear that this person did not feel comfortable with answering. The answer was that they were from a local village, which we all knew was unlikely given the way they spoke. Instead of leaving things there my friend proceeded to say "Oh no, I mean where did you come from originally?" At this point I felt I needed to step in and divert the attention elsewhere. I felt it was rather intrusive to ask, especially a second time. " Agree it’s about timing and not a first question. You did right stepping in, a question had been asked and answered, to then reframe it as the answer wasn’t what they wanted to hear is intrusive. If the individual wanted to divulge more they would have done in their first response. | |||
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"Speaking for myself, it's fine. I'm very obviously not a Geordie, but in a noisy club my accent can sometimes be hard for people to place. It's fun hearing their guesses. I'd be interested to hear from someone who thinks it shouldn't be asked why they think that. There must be some factor I'm not considering" One reason I heard was about the timing (since Brexit) when they felt it was a bit like an underlying hostility - sort of like a micro-aggression. I would understand that if you have experienced resentment. | |||
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"Speaking for myself, it's fine. I'm very obviously not a Geordie, but in a noisy club my accent can sometimes be hard for people to place. It's fun hearing their guesses. I'd be interested to hear from someone who thinks it shouldn't be asked why they think that. There must be some factor I'm not considering" Because sometimes a person doesn't feel comfortable discussing it? People quite often play guess my heritage and I can say in the hundreds of times they've done this not one has been right. I guess it might because it suggests other? They don't want to tell a relative stranger? If you ask someone in person and they are chatty and welcome that sort of question, fair dos. I guess it's subjective but someone's curiosity to know doesn't trump another's uncomfortable. | |||
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"to ask a person where they are from when you notice they have an accent or some indication they may not be from UK shores? I have had this discussion with my friends and opinions are divided. Some say if you only just met the person, it is too intrusive and you should wait until they volunteer a bit more about themselves. Another felt it should not be asked at all. Opinions? " It is a minefield as it can be a very familiar and personal subject for many. In my opinion, it is similar to other personal identity aspects such as marital status, children, religion etc which are topics that most of the time should be discussed later rather than sooner. Personally, this is one of my most hated questions especially as a first thing anyone says to me or in the first few minutes of conversation. So I tend to treat people how I would like to be treated - I leave it to the other person to bring up if and when they wish. One thing I know for a fact - anyone that I have ever really liked and respected, anyone who has become close to me - none of these lovely people asked me where I am from when they first met me, it flowed naturally from our interactions without it being forced. If in doubt, don't ask  | |||
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"I always get asked this. I don't see how anyone can find this intrusive or unacceptable.
Well, listening to some of my own "foreign" friends whom I also asked, they all without exception found it intrusive. A couple have likened it to be asked if they were married or had children. And one say that she rather said something like "Thailand" (which she obviously was not) to end the conversation there.
Personally, hearing this I would not ask unless they gave me a clue that they did not mind being asked. "I think maybe it’s the tone You have an accept where are you from (because I don’t like foreigners) Vs I love the accent! Where are you from? How did you end up here? (Because I like you and I’d like to know more about you) | |||
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"The discussion arose when one of my friends actually asked a person they had only just met and it was clear that this person did not feel comfortable with answering. The answer was that they were from a local village, which we all knew was unlikely given the way they spoke. Instead of leaving things there my friend proceeded to say "Oh no, I mean where did you come from originally?" At this point I felt I needed to step in and divert the attention elsewhere. I felt it was rather intrusive to ask, especially a second time. Agree it’s about timing and not a first question. You did right stepping in, a question had been asked and answered, to then reframe it as the answer wasn’t what they wanted to hear is intrusive. If the individual wanted to divulge more they would have done in their first response. " Absolutely what I thought  | |||
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"to ask a person where they are from when you notice they have an accent or some indication they may not be from UK shores? I have had this discussion with my friends and opinions are divided. Some say if you only just met the person, it is too intrusive and you should wait until they volunteer a bit more about themselves. Another felt it should not be asked at all. Opinions? It is a minefield as it can be a very familiar and personal subject for many. In my opinion, it is similar to other personal identity aspects such as marital status, children, religion etc which are topics that most of the time should be discussed later rather than sooner. Personally, this is one of my most hated questions especially as a first thing anyone says to me or in the first few minutes of conversation. So I tend to treat people how I would like to be treated - I leave it to the other person to bring up if and when they wish. One thing I know for a fact - anyone that I have ever really liked and respected, anyone who has become close to me - none of these lovely people asked me where I am from when they first met me, it flowed naturally from our interactions without it being forced. If in doubt, don't ask "I am closely aligned to what you are saying - especially the last part. I would for example not ask if somebody had children or their marital status. If in doubt, as you beautifully put.... | |||
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"I always get asked this. I don't see how anyone can find this intrusive or unacceptable.
Well, listening to some of my own "foreign" friends whom I also asked, they all without exception found it intrusive. A couple have likened it to be asked if they were married or had children. And one say that she rather said something like "Thailand" (which she obviously was not) to end the conversation there.
Personally, hearing this I would not ask unless they gave me a clue that they did not mind being asked. "there is a great sketch on YT on these scenarios..it basically ends with the questioner asking "WHY ARE YOU BROWN"...I give then the run around, well currently I live here, oh originally from X town, oh then I lived there, oh my parents they are also from Town X, oh before that London thinks it's nice people are interested, I've never had it asked with any malice. | |||
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"I always get asked this. I don't see how anyone can find this intrusive or unacceptable.
Well, listening to some of my own "foreign" friends whom I also asked, they all without exception found it intrusive. A couple have likened it to be asked if they were married or had children. And one say that she rather said something like "Thailand" (which she obviously was not) to end the conversation there.
Personally, hearing this I would not ask unless they gave me a clue that they did not mind being asked.
I think maybe it’s the tone
You have an accept where are you from (because I don’t like foreigners)
Vs
I love the accent! Where are you from? How did you end up here? (Because I like you and I’d like to know more about you) "True, there is a huge difference. How do you feel about the question being asked a second time when the first reply does not give the desired response? | |||
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"A complete stranger, no I don't think it's appropriate. You have no idea if they are conflating your question with an inquiry in to their ethnicity and could take offence. And there is a lot of information in an accent. 1. Where they are from or have spent a lot of time in 2. Their socio-economic background 3. Education 4. Class Whether you guess correctly or not, is another matter !" Good point - I had not thought as far as socio-economic etc. - just about geographic background. So in fact, it may well be about more than one area that somebody is not comfortable with. | |||
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 ). They must of been used to this quedtion beacuse it was a very automated answer, dint cause offence in the conversation . | |||
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"I always get asked this. I don't see how anyone can find this intrusive or unacceptable.
Well, listening to some of my own "foreign" friends whom I also asked, they all without exception found it intrusive. A couple have likened it to be asked if they were married or had children. And one say that she rather said something like "Thailand" (which she obviously was not) to end the conversation there.
Personally, hearing this I would not ask unless they gave me a clue that they did not mind being asked. there is a great sketch on YT on these scenarios..it basically ends with the questioner asking "WHY ARE YOU BROWN"...I give then the run around, well currently I live here, oh originally from X town, oh then I lived there, oh my parents they are also from Town X, oh before that London thinks it's nice people are interested, I've never had it asked with any malice. " | |||
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"I always get asked this. I don't see how anyone can find this intrusive or unacceptable.
Well, listening to some of my own "foreign" friends whom I also asked, they all without exception found it intrusive. A couple have likened it to be asked if they were married or had children. And one say that she rather said something like "Thailand" (which she obviously was not) to end the conversation there.
Personally, hearing this I would not ask unless they gave me a clue that they did not mind being asked.
I think maybe it’s the tone
You have an accept where are you from (because I don’t like foreigners)
Vs
I love the accent! Where are you from? How did you end up here? (Because I like you and I’d like to know more about you)
True, there is a huge difference.
How do you feel about the question being asked a second time when the first reply does not give the desired response? "I’d say I don’t understand the question? You mean they say something I don’t believe? Or if they say they don’t want to say? Either way, whatever answer they give me, I read the room and respect it. If they seem uneasy and say they don’t want to say, apologies and move on. If they say something that’s clearly not their accent because they don’t want to answer, just accept and move on | |||
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"It would not be my 1st question, but on most occasions id have no problem asking , as long as it was a conversation mind, not the delivrey driver. Have done many times why would it be problem? There has been one time where a person said i dont want to answer because i dont want to be judged for where they were born( my, fine by me ). They must of been used to this quedtion beacuse it was a very automated answer, dint cause offence in the conversation ."Fair enough - especially when it is respected as a legit answer. | |||
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"I always get asked this. I don't see how anyone can find this intrusive or unacceptable.
Well, listening to some of my own "foreign" friends whom I also asked, they all without exception found it intrusive. A couple have likened it to be asked if they were married or had children. And one say that she rather said something like "Thailand" (which she obviously was not) to end the conversation there.
Personally, hearing this I would not ask unless they gave me a clue that they did not mind being asked.
I think maybe it’s the tone
You have an accept where are you from (because I don’t like foreigners)
Vs
I love the accent! Where are you from? How did you end up here? (Because I like you and I’d like to know more about you)
True, there is a huge difference.
How do you feel about the question being asked a second time when the first reply does not give the desired response?
I’d say I don’t understand the question?
You mean they say something I don’t believe? Or if they say they don’t want to say?
Either way, whatever answer they give me, I read the room and respect it. If they seem uneasy and say they don’t want to say, apologies and move on. If they say something that’s clearly not their accent because they don’t want to answer, just accept and move on "Yeah, totally agree - that is what I meant - reading the room and not pursuing something that makes somebody uncomfortable. | |||
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"Speaking for myself, it's fine. I'm very obviously not a Geordie, but in a noisy club my accent can sometimes be hard for people to place. It's fun hearing their guesses. I'd be interested to hear from someone who thinks it shouldn't be asked why they think that. There must be some factor I'm not considering Because sometimes a person doesn't feel comfortable discussing it? People quite often play guess my heritage and I can say in the hundreds of times they've done this not one has been right. I guess it might because it suggests other? They don't want to tell a relative stranger? If you ask someone in person and they are chatty and welcome that sort of question, fair dos. I guess it's subjective but someone's curiosity to know doesn't trump another's uncomfortable. " I guess it's subjective but someone's curiosity to know doesn't trump another's uncomfortable. I rather like that last statement. | |||
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"I'm ethnically ambiguous and don't like when people do it to me, especially when they keep digging because I don't seem "white enough" for the place where I was born "I hear you completely and that is based on my listening to others who have stated similar discomfort. | |||
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"I'm ethnically ambiguous and don't like when people do it to me, especially when they keep digging because I don't seem "white enough" for the place where I was born "Also I should say I don't have an accent (London/southern). Which is another pain point, because often people go "oh but your English is so good!". Sometimes I'm tempted to go "yeah, it's better than yours!"  | |||
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"https://youtu.be/RU_htgjlMVE Here you go, literally had this all my life, it's a brilliant game "I just watched that - that is cringe, isn't it? OMG where is the suitable emoji for cringe? | |||
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"I'm ethnically ambiguous and don't like when people do it to me, especially when they keep digging because I don't seem "white enough" for the place where I was born
Also I should say I don't have an accent (London/southern). Which is another pain point, because often people go "oh but your English is so good!". Sometimes I'm tempted to go "yeah, it's better than yours!" "OMG again... I bet! | |||
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"to ask a person where they are from when you notice they have an accent or some indication they may not be from UK shores? I have had this discussion with my friends and opinions are divided. Some say if you only just met the person, it is too intrusive and you should wait until they volunteer a bit more about themselves. Another felt it should not be asked at all. Opinions? " Not sure why it would be an issue any more than any other questions as you get to know someone a bit better. But like all individual interactions, if you ask something they don't warm to... Move on.. Exactly the same if someone asked me a question I didn't feel like answering. How else do you get to know someone.? Can I see your covid pass? What's your pin code? How much do you weigh? What size are you? Are you really only 45? All got me where I am today.. | |||
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"I have no issues with it but it wouldn't be one of the first questions I ask someone. When sharing my face picture, I've been asked what ethnicity I am and don't have a problem letting them know. It's good to be curious "I agree it is good to remain curious and ideally it leads to further exchange and good conversation. But sometimes, by the sound of it it leaves people uncomfortable so the bit about "reading the room" is a good one I think. | |||
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"If it is their accent that has made you wonder, then rather than ask them where they are from, politely ask them what their accent is. Having an accent from an area, does not mean you are from that area. For instance I have a friend who was born in England and lived in England all his life, but he has a Welsh family and so he picked up the Welsh accent (it's not strong, but it is there). " Actually that has happened to me a couple of times because I lived in Wales for some time. I guess it depends who is asking and how they do it. | |||
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"to ask a person where they are from when you notice they have an accent or some indication they may not be from UK shores? I have had this discussion with my friends and opinions are divided. Some say if you only just met the person, it is too intrusive and you should wait until they volunteer a bit more about themselves. Another felt it should not be asked at all. Opinions? Not sure why it would be an issue any more than any other questions as you get to know someone a bit better. But like all individual interactions, if you ask something they don't warm to... Move on.. Exactly the same if someone asked me a question I didn't feel like answering. How else do you get to know someone.? Can I see your covid pass? What's your pin code? How much do you weigh? What size are you? Are you really only 45? All got me where I am today.. " So how would you answer a question you do not really want to answer? | |||
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How do you answer a question which you are not prepared to answer?
Do you:
1. Pretend you did not hear/ understand?
2. Do you tell a fib?
3. Do you say you d rather not answer?
4. Do you evade? | |||
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"Actually a question for the audience
How do you answer a question which you are not prepared to answer?
Do you:
1. Pretend you did not hear/ understand?
2. Do you tell a fib?
3. Do you say you d rather not answer?
4. Do you evade? "Pardon? | |||
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" So how would you answer a question you do not really want to answer? " 3 methods work for me. 1. Direct confrontation. "Are you asking me about my ethnicity?" 2. Direct Deflection. "I'm flattered you want to know so much about me, but I feel I'm hogging the li_elight here. Tell me more about yourself" 3. Evasive. "Oh look, a squirrel !" | |||
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" So how would you answer a question you do not really want to answer? 3 methods work for me. 1. Direct confrontation. "Are you asking me about my ethnicity?" 2. Direct Deflection. "I'm flattered you want to know so much about me, but I feel I'm hogging the li_elight here. Tell me more about yourself" 3. Evasive. "Oh look, a squirrel !"" Priceless... I ll take that back to my friends! | |||
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"Actually a question for the audience
How do you answer a question which you are not prepared to answer?
Do you:
1. Pretend you did not hear/ understand?
2. Do you tell a fib?
3. Do you say you d rather not answer?
4. Do you evade?
Pardon? "That would be the 5. option | |||
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"I would never ask this question. Sounds like the prelude to yet another racist assault. Where someone is going is way more important than where they come from anyway. " I really like this - the destination is more important. And yes, I guess the question being loaded is at the heart of the discussion really. It may not be intentionally racist but can be "felt" a bit like a microaggression. | |||
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"I got it a lot in America Where do you come from? England? No Scotland Wow your English is really good "That does not surprise me - mind you in continental Europe they are becoming a little bit more aware of Scotland/England/Ireland and Wales being very different entities and cultures. | |||
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"I should also say that I love talking about where I'm from and my different cultural backgrounds, just not to a complete stranger I've just met. Give me some time to warm up first "That is a fair point, the timing and the complete stranger asking, in combination that can feel a bit intrusive. | |||
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"Just ask "where's that accent from?" I do that and have never been accused of being intrusive or met with hostility." I totally agree I don't see a genuine question such as this as being wrong. | |||
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"to ask a person where they are from when you notice they have an accent or some indication they may not be from UK shores? I have had this discussion with my friends and opinions are divided. Some say if you only just met the person, it is too intrusive and you should wait until they volunteer a bit more about themselves. Another felt it should not be asked at all. Opinions? Not sure why it would be an issue any more than any other questions as you get to know someone a bit better. But like all individual interactions, if you ask something they don't warm to... Move on.. Exactly the same if someone asked me a question I didn't feel like answering. How else do you get to know someone.? Can I see your covid pass? What's your pin code? How much do you weigh? What size are you? Are you really only 45? All got me where I am today.. So how would you answer a question you do not really want to answer? " I guess it depends on each individual interaction... Was it friendly and just a misstep? Was alcohol involved? Was it a more loaded question? Was it rude and or offensive.? I might say... I'm not ready to share that for now... Or next... Or I may take a step into the uncomfortable area and choose to answer it if I thought it would help and build a bit of trust... Its unlikely I'd ignore it. If it was bluntly offensive I'd just say so. If you're meeting adults they aren't mind readers so easier to say what's on your mind in my opinion. | |||
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"It wouldn’t be my first question however, in a social interaction the idea is to get to know the other parties, if someone has a unique accent I’d want to know where it’s from purely out of interest and getting to know the person. If it came up like the NI guy described that would give me an insight into his personality just as much as it would be about finding out about where he came from. If I asked and someone dodged the simple and unobtrusive question I personally would find it quite rude and most likely wouldn’t be that interested in continuing the conversation anyway so probably wouldn’t ask a second time, especially if it was obvious the person was being evasive, I wouldn’t want to sour the atmosphere and make it awkward for the other parties. All depends on the delivery and setting I suppose but it’s certainly something I’d ask in a friendly manner at some point in getting to know someone." ... All depends on the delivery and setting I suppose but it’s certainly something I’d ask in a friendly manner at some point in getting to know someone. Would you (genuine question) make a friendly comment about their appearance or just relating to say their accent? | |||
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"Actually a question for the audience
How do you answer a question which you are not prepared to answer?
Do you:
1. Pretend you did not hear/ understand?
2. Do you tell a fib?
3. Do you say you d rather not answer?
4. Do you evade? "Ahh as above... I'd probably go 3 ish... Or see if I could get them to reframe the question to one I'm more comfortable with... | |||
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"Just ask "where's that accent from?" I do that and have never been accused of being intrusive or met with hostility.I totally agree I don't see a genuine question such as this as being wrong. " I may not be "wrong" from the person who is asking but it may put the person asked in a uncomfortable position? | |||
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"Actually a question for the audience
How do you answer a question which you are not prepared to answer?
Do you:
1. Pretend you did not hear/ understand?
2. Do you tell a fib?
3. Do you say you d rather not answer?
4. Do you evade?
Ahh as above... I'd probably go 3 ish... Or see if I could get them to reframe the question to one I'm more comfortable with... "I cannot think of a suitable way, which hits the nail and is not souring the conversation, other than perhaps saying what you suggested but in friendly way? Like "it is something I am happy to talk about when I know you a bit better"? But even that sounds ... I dont know... stilted? | |||
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"Tbh I get it more from other PoC because they want to know if your one of them, it's almost like bonding. Like I said it's never been asked in a racist way I don't believe. People like to to but people in boxes consciously and sub consciously and when you don't fit in one they are curious. I feel it has been an opener to many conversations with nice people and so some very good friends. Plus whenever I go abroad I get treated well because they always think I'm a local. "Ah, ok -so it depends also a bit whether a PoC or not is asking. Got you! | |||
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"Tbh I get it more from other PoC because they want to know if your one of them, it's almost like bonding. Like I said it's never been asked in a racist way I don't believe. People like to to but people in boxes consciously and sub consciously and when you don't fit in one they are curious. I feel it has been an opener to many conversations with nice people and so some very good friends. Plus whenever I go abroad I get treated well because they always think I'm a local.
Ah, ok -so it depends also a bit whether a PoC or not is asking. Got you! "Well not really, but in today's over sensitive (IMO) world, white people are hesitant to ask. | |||
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"Tbh I get it more from other PoC because they want to know if your one of them, it's almost like bonding. Like I said it's never been asked in a racist way I don't believe. People like to to but people in boxes consciously and sub consciously and when you don't fit in one they are curious. I feel it has been an opener to many conversations with nice people and so some very good friends. Plus whenever I go abroad I get treated well because they always think I'm a local. "I agree. When it's a a non-PoC it's asked more in an inquisitive way, as in "I can't figure you out". But when it's from a PoC it's more of a "you're different too, I HAVE to know if you might be like me!". Although it is annoying when it's come about because I've had to show someone my ID, especially when they're of Asian descent so they recognise where my name is from. They see my name and I can just see them trying to work out why I look so "white", as if I'm an algebra problem or something. And in my experience they don't usually give a toss about mincing their words lol, they just ask me straight up. Reminds me of that bit from Mean Girls: "if you're from Africa, why are you white?" | |||
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"Tbh I get it more from other PoC because they want to know if your one of them, it's almost like bonding. Like I said it's never been asked in a racist way I don't believe. People like to to but people in boxes consciously and sub consciously and when you don't fit in one they are curious. I feel it has been an opener to many conversations with nice people and so some very good friends. Plus whenever I go abroad I get treated well because they always think I'm a local.
Ah, ok -so it depends also a bit whether a PoC or not is asking. Got you!
Well not really, but in today's over sensitive (IMO) world, white people are hesitant to ask." | |||
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"Tbh I get it more from other PoC because they want to know if your one of them, it's almost like bonding. Like I said it's never been asked in a racist way I don't believe. People like to to but people in boxes consciously and sub consciously and when you don't fit in one they are curious. I feel it has been an opener to many conversations with nice people and so some very good friends. Plus whenever I go abroad I get treated well because they always think I'm a local.
I agree. When it's a a non-PoC it's asked more in an inquisitive way, as in "I can't figure you out". But when it's from a PoC it's more of a "you're different too, I HAVE to know if you might be like me!".
Although it is annoying when it's come about because I've had to show someone my ID, especially when they're of Asian descent so they recognise where my name is from. They see my name and I can just see them trying to work out why I look so "white", as if I'm an algebra problem or something. And in my experience they don't usually give a toss about mincing their words lol, they just ask me straight up.
Reminds me of that bit from Mean Girls: "if you're from Africa, why are you white?" "Do you think it has more to do with having a "stereotypical" idea of what an African or Asian or Mexican etc should look like? | |||
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"I never mind discussing this if asked, and being fascinated by other people's cultures and backgrounds, I will raise the subject myself too. It's a good conversation starter and has always been taken warmly. C" That is a great experience! How would you respond if you came across a person visibly uncomfortable with the question? What would you say or do? | |||
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"When I've travelled in Asia, the first question everybody asked was "where are you from"? I don't hesitate to ask people where they are from if I'm not sure. It's not the first question I ask but I would bring it up during a conversation. I've never had any issues. " Same question to you: How would you respond if you sensed awkwardness? What would you do? | |||
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"If it's an accent I know, then I may ask where in that country are you from as I may have busted the area, though generally I'm not fussed about accents as I find them all sexy" Brilliant
I was thinking outside fabs but now you mentioned it....;-) | |||
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"Tbh I get it more from other PoC because they want to know if your one of them, it's almost like bonding. Like I said it's never been asked in a racist way I don't believe. People like to to but people in boxes consciously and sub consciously and when you don't fit in one they are curious. I feel it has been an opener to many conversations with nice people and so some very good friends. Plus whenever I go abroad I get treated well because they always think I'm a local. "So they will only consider "bonding" with you if you're both from the same or similar ethnic backgrounds? That actually sounds a little racist to me. | |||
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"Tbh I get it more from other PoC because they want to know if your one of them, it's almost like bonding. Like I said it's never been asked in a racist way I don't believe. People like to to but people in boxes consciously and sub consciously and when you don't fit in one they are curious. I feel it has been an opener to many conversations with nice people and so some very good friends. Plus whenever I go abroad I get treated well because they always think I'm a local.
So they will only consider "bonding" with you if you're both from the same or similar ethnic backgrounds? That actually sounds a little racist to me."Would you not (in your head) welcome somebody who sounds/ looks like from home when abroad? I thought that was perhaps a natural thing for humans to do? | |||
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"Tbh I get it more from other PoC because they want to know if your one of them, it's almost like bonding. Like I said it's never been asked in a racist way I don't believe. People like to to but people in boxes consciously and sub consciously and when you don't fit in one they are curious. I feel it has been an opener to many conversations with nice people and so some very good friends. Plus whenever I go abroad I get treated well because they always think I'm a local.
So they will only consider "bonding" with you if you're both from the same or similar ethnic backgrounds? That actually sounds a little racist to me."No not at all | |||
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"When I've travelled in Asia, the first question everybody asked was "where are you from"? I don't hesitate to ask people where they are from if I'm not sure. It's not the first question I ask but I would bring it up during a conversation. I've never had any issues. Same question to you: How would you respond if you sensed awkwardness? What would you do? " I would apologise and say I didn't mean to be rude . I would rather that than take a wrong guess. | |||
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"Basic questions humanity has used for ,,,ever. what tribe are you from, it is not offensive to ask a question surely." I know it may be a basic tribal question but I am thinking that we perhaps could sometimes do with thinking about how the other person may be feeling about being asked a specific tribal question, e.g. where they are from? I would not like it as a first or second question tbh - not unless I had volunteered - been "warmed" a bit as one person suggested. | |||
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"Tbh I get it more from other PoC because they want to know if your one of them, it's almost like bonding. Like I said it's never been asked in a racist way I don't believe. People like to to but people in boxes consciously and sub consciously and when you don't fit in one they are curious. I feel it has been an opener to many conversations with nice people and so some very good friends. Plus whenever I go abroad I get treated well because they always think I'm a local.
So they will only consider "bonding" with you if you're both from the same or similar ethnic backgrounds? That actually sounds a little racist to me.
Would you not (in your head) welcome somebody who sounds/ looks like from home when abroad? I thought that was perhaps a natural thing for humans to do? "I've lived in a few countries, it would be natural for me to give welcome to anybody, no matter what their ethnicity. | |||
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"Tbh I get it more from other PoC because they want to know if your one of them, it's almost like bonding. Like I said it's never been asked in a racist way I don't believe. People like to to but people in boxes consciously and sub consciously and when you don't fit in one they are curious. I feel it has been an opener to many conversations with nice people and so some very good friends. Plus whenever I go abroad I get treated well because they always think I'm a local.
So they will only consider "bonding" with you if you're both from the same or similar ethnic backgrounds? That actually sounds a little racist to me.
Would you not (in your head) welcome somebody who sounds/ looks like from home when abroad? I thought that was perhaps a natural thing for humans to do? "Yes of course but being ambiguous just means I get it more. | |||
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"When I've travelled in Asia, the first question everybody asked was "where are you from"? I don't hesitate to ask people where they are from if I'm not sure. It's not the first question I ask but I would bring it up during a conversation. I've never had any issues. Same question to you: How would you respond if you sensed awkwardness? What would you do? I would apologise and say I didn't mean to be rude . I would rather that than take a wrong guess. " Perfect way in my books as you would have made it clear you did not mean to offend. | |||
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"Tbh I get it more from other PoC because they want to know if your one of them, it's almost like bonding. Like I said it's never been asked in a racist way I don't believe. People like to to but people in boxes consciously and sub consciously and when you don't fit in one they are curious. I feel it has been an opener to many conversations with nice people and so some very good friends. Plus whenever I go abroad I get treated well because they always think I'm a local.
I agree. When it's a a non-PoC it's asked more in an inquisitive way, as in "I can't figure you out". But when it's from a PoC it's more of a "you're different too, I HAVE to know if you might be like me!".
Although it is annoying when it's come about because I've had to show someone my ID, especially when they're of Asian descent so they recognise where my name is from. They see my name and I can just see them trying to work out why I look so "white", as if I'm an algebra problem or something. And in my experience they don't usually give a toss about mincing their words lol, they just ask me straight up.
Reminds me of that bit from Mean Girls: "if you're from Africa, why are you white?"
Do you think it has more to do with having a "stereotypical" idea of what an African or Asian or Mexican etc should look like?"Yeah, especially in the case of certain first generation immigrants who come from countries where multiculturalism and people of mixed races aren't really prevalent. It's not uncommon for people of any skin colour to be stopped in certain racially homogenous countries for photos etc. | |||
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they wish they never when I rattle it off | |||
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"I would ask it may be a nice accent and can open the conversation up more" Agreed | |||
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"Basic questions humanity has used for ,,,ever. what tribe are you from, it is not offensive to ask a question surely. I know it may be a basic tribal question but I am thinking that we perhaps could sometimes do with thinking about how the other person may be feeling about being asked a specific tribal question, e.g. where they are from? I would not like it as a first or second question tbh - not unless I had volunteered - been "warmed" a bit as one person suggested. "Foreplay...ive heard of it before | |||
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"Basic questions humanity has used for ,,,ever. what tribe are you from, it is not offensive to ask a question surely. I know it may be a basic tribal question but I am thinking that we perhaps could sometimes do with thinking about how the other person may be feeling about being asked a specific tribal question, e.g. where they are from? I would not like it as a first or second question tbh - not unless I had volunteered - been "warmed" a bit as one person suggested.
Foreplay...ive heard of it before " | |||
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"Actually a question for the audience
How do you answer a question which you are not prepared to answer?
Do you:
1. Pretend you did not hear/ understand?
2. Do you tell a fib?
3. Do you say you d rather not answer?
4. Do you evade?
Ahh as above... I'd probably go 3 ish... Or see if I could get them to reframe the question to one I'm more comfortable with...
I cannot think of a suitable way, which hits the nail and is not souring the conversation, other than perhaps saying what you suggested but in friendly way?
Like "it is something I am happy to talk about when I know you a bit better"? But even that sounds ... I dont know... stilted? "Yes - exactly this! It just makes the conversation so deucedly awkward. "Accent" question is no better because it is the same question in a different shape. For those of us who really dislike it, one of the reasons is a cumulative effect. For example I have been living in London for 17 years and have made it my home, so being asked where I am from or where my accent is from as I am some tourist who is passing by got tired a long time ago. I hate it how if I answer truthfully or factually, a little piece of my joy in the evening dies with it as if I haev to explain myself. I hate it how if I avoid the answer or express that I do not like it, I am treated as if I am making a big deal or as if I am somehow ashamed of my origins (I am not, far from it). Recently I have been thinking about it a lot because I had a mini meltdown after a man I've never seen before brayed it at me across the room - literally the first thing he said to me after staring at me all evening! Of course, people's motives are not that hard to see and many are genuine but having been exposed to this so many times, it just ruins conversation for me and I hate having to think what to answer as I am already feeling uncomfortable because of a chance that they will not accept my first answer (which would be my local station) - it is just exhausting. I now think next time a stranger asks this I will just say my local station and walk away if they don't accept that - simplest solution perhaps. Or less I can answer in Mae West quotes until they go away | |||
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"Actually a question for the audience
How do you answer a question which you are not prepared to answer?
Do you:
1. Pretend you did not hear/ understand?
2. Do you tell a fib?
3. Do you say you d rather not answer?
4. Do you evade?
Ahh as above... I'd probably go 3 ish... Or see if I could get them to reframe the question to one I'm more comfortable with...
I cannot think of a suitable way, which hits the nail and is not souring the conversation, other than perhaps saying what you suggested but in friendly way?
Like "it is something I am happy to talk about when I know you a bit better"? But even that sounds ... I dont know... stilted?
Yes - exactly this! It just makes the conversation so deucedly awkward. "Accent" question is no better because it is the same question in a different shape. For those of us who really dislike it, one of the reasons is a cumulative effect. For example I have been living in London for 17 years and have made it my home, so being asked where I am from or where my accent is from as I am some tourist who is passing by got tired a long time ago.
I hate it how if I answer truthfully or factually, a little piece of my joy in the evening dies with it as if I haev to explain myself. I hate it how if I avoid the answer or express that I do not like it, I am treated as if I am making a big deal or as if I am somehow ashamed of my origins (I am not, far from it).
Recently I have been thinking about it a lot because I had a mini meltdown after a man I've never seen before brayed it at me across the room - literally the first thing he said to me after staring at me all evening! Of course, people's motives are not that hard to see and many are genuine but having been exposed to this so many times, it just ruins conversation for me and I hate having to think what to answer as I am already feeling uncomfortable because of a chance that they will not accept my first answer (which would be my local station) - it is just exhausting.
I now think next time a stranger asks this I will just say my local station and walk away if they don't accept that - simplest solution perhaps. Or less I can answer in Mae West quotes until they go away "Thank you for explaining the thought process and what it means to you - I have many friends who are not from these shores and I believe that is what some of them feel, perhaps not all the time, but a good deal of the time and they do not like it one little bit. When I had the conversation with my (mainly UK) friends over the weekend, they did get it in the end, I think. | |||
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"It's human nature to be inquisitive... I guess it's more how you ask someone that's the main thing to avoid offence" Sure is, and I am sure the majority of people ask out of a healthy curiosity - but I also get that for the person asked, it can be a bit wearing?  | |||
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"It's human nature to be inquisitive... I guess it's more how you ask someone that's the main thing to avoid offence" This | |||
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"If it is their accent that has made you wonder, then rather than ask them where they are from, politely ask them what their accent is. Having an accent from an area, does not mean you are from that area. For instance I have a friend who was born in England and lived in England all his life, but he has a Welsh family and so he picked up the Welsh accent (it's not strong, but it is there). Actually that has happened to me a couple of times because I lived in Wales for some time. I guess it depends who is asking and how they do it. " I do love the Welsh accent  | |||
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"If it is their accent that has made you wonder, then rather than ask them where they are from, politely ask them what their accent is. Having an accent from an area, does not mean you are from that area. For instance I have a friend who was born in England and lived in England all his life, but he has a Welsh family and so he picked up the Welsh accent (it's not strong, but it is there). Actually that has happened to me a couple of times because I lived in Wales for some time. I guess it depends who is asking and how they do it. I do love the Welsh accent "Now I feel like an imposter | |||
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"I come from a part of India where our language is spoken only in one state. My accent is different than the typical Indian accent too. Lots of people have asked where I am from and I have always been happy to answer and explain the difference in my accent. In usual day-to-day conversations, I don't see this as intrusive. If you are asking about swingers meets, it could be considered intrusive as some people may be more sensitive about giving away even the smallest bit of personal information." That is another really valuable point I had not considered. Thank you. When I sent the original post I had actually been thinking of everyday life, the conversation I had with my close friends and what other friends had mentioned in the past. | |||
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"I always ask even upon meeting. Everything is about context. "Sure is - I think I am going to put up another thread of the list of questions that people find generally acceptable/ not acceptable in the context of fabs. | |||
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"No, definitely not. You can read it in written form sometimes but to ask where someone's from, unless it's given information/related to a thread is a bit... I'm not sure how to describe it. Something I'd avoid! Unless I was also from that place and recognised shared cultural references maybe? " I disagree. I pretty much always ask, I’m interested in a persons culture and background and generally it makes good conversation when meeting people travelling and when I’m in the U.K. maybe because I work globally , it’s pretty normal to be asked this and to ask when meeting people for the first time to get to know them | |||
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"No, definitely not. You can read it in written form sometimes but to ask where someone's from, unless it's given information/related to a thread is a bit... I'm not sure how to describe it. Something I'd avoid! Unless I was also from that place and recognised shared cultural references maybe? I disagree. I pretty much always ask, I’m interested in a persons culture and background and generally it makes good conversation when meeting people travelling and when I’m in the U.K. maybe because I work globally , it’s pretty normal to be asked this and to ask when meeting people for the first time to get to know them " It may well be normal for you and lots of others to ask, I am not denying it. I am just thinking that some people might not be so comfortable with it? Especially if they had some form of bullying and abuse about their origin? So I guess I am saying we should just perhaps read the room (love that phrase) a little before we "hit on that cute accent"? | |||
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"I do agree it would be unacceptable for a group of united supporters to ask a lone city supporter where are you from. "Different "ball game" altogether | |||
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"It wouldn’t be my first question however, in a social interaction the idea is to get to know the other parties, if someone has a unique accent I’d want to know where it’s from purely out of interest and getting to know the person. If it came up like the NI guy described that would give me an insight into his personality just as much as it would be about finding out about where he came from. If I asked and someone dodged the simple and unobtrusive question I personally would find it quite rude and most likely wouldn’t be that interested in continuing the conversation anyway so probably wouldn’t ask a second time, especially if it was obvious the person was being evasive, I wouldn’t want to sour the atmosphere and make it awkward for the other parties. All depends on the delivery and setting I suppose but it’s certainly something I’d ask in a friendly manner at some point in getting to know someone. ... All depends on the delivery and setting I suppose but it’s certainly something I’d ask in a friendly manner at some point in getting to know someone. Would you (genuine question) make a friendly comment about their appearance or just relating to say their accent? " I’m not sure, depends on the setting and the interaction with the person. If they are super cool and laid back I would, if they are uptight and standoffish I wouldn’t. That’s a trickier question to give a straight answer to | |||
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"It wouldn’t be my first question however, in a social interaction the idea is to get to know the other parties, if someone has a unique accent I’d want to know where it’s from purely out of interest and getting to know the person. If it came up like the NI guy described that would give me an insight into his personality just as much as it would be about finding out about where he came from. If I asked and someone dodged the simple and unobtrusive question I personally would find it quite rude and most likely wouldn’t be that interested in continuing the conversation anyway so probably wouldn’t ask a second time, especially if it was obvious the person was being evasive, I wouldn’t want to sour the atmosphere and make it awkward for the other parties. All depends on the delivery and setting I suppose but it’s certainly something I’d ask in a friendly manner at some point in getting to know someone. ... All depends on the delivery and setting I suppose but it’s certainly something I’d ask in a friendly manner at some point in getting to know someone. Would you (genuine question) make a friendly comment about their appearance or just relating to say their accent? I’m not sure, depends on the setting and the interaction with the person. If they are super cool and laid back I would, if they are uptight and standoffish I wouldn’t. That’s a trickier question to give a straight answer to" Yeah totally - reading the person etc. | |||
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"to ask a person where they are from when you notice they have an accent or some indication they may not be from UK shores? I have had this discussion with my friends and opinions are divided. Some say if you only just met the person, it is too intrusive and you should wait until they volunteer a bit more about themselves. Another felt it should not be asked at all. Opinions? " I do it all the time I work in the building industry so meet people from far and wide not 1 has ever taken offence just don't mix up canadian american and new zealand and Australia they take mild offence | |||
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Sometimes I say: I'm from (insert town name I live in)
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