FabSwingers.com forum: Terrible dilemma... what on earth would you do?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'm in a no win situation and I'm absolutely drowning here.

'Plan A', person goes back to an abusive situation where they will have emotional and mental harm (already ongoing and it recently escalated with some physical harm.) They have no family or friends there who could help and no access to transport. But they want to go back.

'Plan B', I make the person stay with me (they are currently living with me). They will be angry at me and unhappy having to stay when they don't want to. Their partner will also be very angry. Also possibility of partner arranging for the person to go back anyway.

The person is a young (under 20) family member who lives abroad so very difficult to go rescue them or support if they do go back.

What on earth would you do?

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By *hrista BellendWoman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

I'd ask advice from the DA helpline or the samaritans lovely, see what they can recommend x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You are in a difficult position, but ultimately you can’t force them to stay. You can point out the dangers of going back, and the good things about staying. But they have to want to stay. All you can do is offer them support whatever decision they make x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Assuming they are over 18 you obviously can't compel them to stay, nor could any external agency. The best you can probably do is deny them help in travelling, explain why and that your house is open to them. Then hope they make the right decision.

Good luck, OP.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Plan B. It's difficult. They won't thank you for it now but will in the long run.

Whichever option you follow, you will be in turmoil. Turmoil at close(r) range, where you can see what is happening, is probably easier to handle than trying to guess.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

whatever you choose to do.

make sure you do not come to harm.

all the best

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

As someone who's been the person you're trying to help... If they want to go back they will, my family tried to get me to stay the last time I went back to him but I was adamant he'd change and desperate to go back, I didn't want to listen, he was in my head and controlling me without even being with me.

I'd speak to DA charity and see what advice they have and see of there's anything they can suggest to help make them see what you're offering is the best for them x

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

Plan B and get some professional help

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By *ablo minibar123Woman
over a year ago

Do they have any friends over here, someone around their age who might help them see sense?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd come up with another plan that worked best for me, not them.

Sometimes, we can't save the world

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

Sorry to hear OP.

Having been on both sides of that particular dilemma I'd say you have to be there for your friend, regardless of the decision they make.

At some point they will hopefully realise that the situation they are in is wrong, but until they choose to see that then you as a friend is on a losing battle.

Hard to sit and watch but unconditional support is all you can offer.

People have to make their own mistakes, no matter how shit they are.

If kids are involved then that is different again.

The Women's Aid website has helpful advice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you looked into the freedom programme?

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By *opsy RogersWoman
over a year ago

London

They will go back but in the meantime, don't alientate their safe person; you.

Make sure they know that without judgement, you are their safe space, no questions asked, just open, loving arms.

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

Close family member. B

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you all.

Yes they have friends here their own age but they are unaware of the situation.

Freedom programme, yes I've looked at that before but I'm too close to it all to be able to do it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

DA/ DV and similar helplines have been useful.

Womensaid website is great but as they don't live here it's difficult. I'm not confident there are similar agencies in the other country that will help.

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

"DA/ DV and similar helplines have been useful.

Womensaid website is great but as they don't live here it's difficult. I'm not confident there are similar agencies in the other country that will help.

All the best whichever way it goes. Sounds like an awful situation to be in for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thank you all.

Yes they have friends here their own age but they are unaware of the situation.

Freedom programme, yes I've looked at that before but I'm too close to it all to be able to do it.

I hope you’re ok, it sounds really hard.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'm sorry for not replying to every post. It's game over. The wheels are in motion for them to return. I've failed them. My existence is pointless.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

"I'm sorry for not replying to every post. It's game over. The wheels are in motion for them to return. I've failed them. My existence is pointless. "

Your existence is not pointless at all. We’ll have less of that talk. YOU have been their support and have tried your best. That’s all you can do. They have made choices because at the end of the day, whether we like it or not, we cannot control the choices of others. It’s an extremely tough, stressful and awful position to be in, and YOU yourself need support. Have you got someone you can talk this through with?

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

"I'm sorry for not replying to every post. It's game over. The wheels are in motion for them to return. I've failed them. My existence is pointless. "

Dint ever think that. As others have said make sure they know you are their safe space. You've offered them kindness and support but they are their own person and have made their decision for the moment.

You haven't failed x your existence is wonderful. The fact you feel so upset by this action proves how good of a friend you have been to them and they will see it.

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By *ookingfun82Man
over a year ago

Enniskillen

OP, you don't mention if there are kids involved but I assume not. For me I was in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship but wouldn't have left because of the kids and would have went back to be there for them and be a bigger part of their lives. For me staying was better than the alternative.

What you have described sounds more extreme but you have gave them the option, they know you are there for them, they have made their choice, and you can't make that for them either. It might not make it any easier for you but don't feel guilty.

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By *immyinreadingMan
over a year ago

henley on thames

"I'm in a no win situation and I'm absolutely drowning here.

The person is a young (under 20) family member who lives abroad so very difficult to go rescue them or support if they do go back.

What on earth would you do?

What country does the young person live in?

Are you certain that they are in an abusive situation? Do you have proof or evidence?

If so, can you contact the authorities in the other country?

I can imagine how helpless you feel, but don’t be hard on yourself, it’s the situation that sucks.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm sorry for not replying to every post. It's game over. The wheels are in motion for them to return. I've failed them. My existence is pointless. "

Oh I'm so sorry it didn't work out... It is so hard watching people, especially loved ones, making detrimental decisions, but unfortunately, no matter how much you love them you cannot live their life for them. I don't think you have failed them at all.

I completely drained myself trying to save a friend from her addictions and learn the hard way that i can't...

Maybe in the future they will have motivation /courage / clarity to see your offer of help as an option for them

.. But it sounds like this could be a bumpy journey that will not be resolved quickly, so it is important that you 'fill your own cup first', so please be kind to yourself and look after yourself...

Sending love

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

What a wonderful friend you are. This is not yet over and in time they may come back to you. This has to play out. Just keep being a safe place for them to land when they eventually have the courage to leave.

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By *rMojoRisinMan
over a year ago

Sheffield

"I'm in a no win situation and I'm absolutely drowning here.

The person is a young (under 20) family member who lives abroad so very difficult to go rescue them or support if they do go back.

What on earth would you do?

First, you can’t “rescue” someone, they’re an adult and have to make their own choices. ( I know that hurts.)

Secondly, be be present for them, listen when they need you to listen and act if they ask you too.

Thirdly, make sure you have some support, this could be a long, drawn out, difficult process.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You say the person is under 20, but if they are over 18 and you don’t have legal responsibility for them, it’s not your decision. Just be as supportive as you can and leave the door open for them

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

"I'm sorry for not replying to every post. It's game over. The wheels are in motion for them to return. I've failed them. My existence is pointless. "

You have been there for them and have supported them, you absolutely have not failed them.

I've been the person returning so can see this from both sides. As frustrating as it is, the likelihood of returning was always high.

All you can do is make sure they know you are there to support them and that your love is unconditional. You don't agree with the decision but it is their decision to make, better to part on good terms where at least they can turn to you if it proves necessary.

My inbox is open if you want to talk about it or just shout about the frustration of it x

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Let them know your door and heart are always open to them.

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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago

Cardiff

I think that most importantly don't appear angry, frustrated or judgmental.

I would still be firm and say that you want them to stay. If they're not in a good place mentally they may need to hear that very clearly.

Perhaps they would agree to giving it another week or more and you can try to make them feel good about themselves and show them that they are loved here, so that they feel less drawn to the abusive partner. Just don't belittle the feelings they have for the abuser. You need to be their ally, not the enemy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm sorry for not replying to every post. It's game over. The wheels are in motion for them to return. I've failed them. My existence is pointless. "

1st and foremost you have not failed them, you have been there when others haven’t, you have offered support, a roof over their head, and a way out. It is at the end of the day their choice and their decision what they do. As Tindergirl said earlier about her experience she went against all the advice and went back.

2nd your existence isn’t pointless as in time I hope they come to realise that they deserve better and will come to you for that much needed support and advice. When that time comes you will be ready and then able to help them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm sorry for not replying to every post. It's game over. The wheels are in motion for them to return. I've failed them. My existence is pointless. "

You absolutely haven’t. You were there for them, you showed them they had support and someone had their back.

Even if they’ve gone back, maybe there’s a chink of light that’s shining in, that will start the process…

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