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Do you fill your own cup?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Or put your oxygen mask on first, other analogies are available .

Do you believe in it, or do you think it’s selfish?

Do you practice self care, if you do, what do you do?

If you don’t, do you know why?

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By *affron40Woman
over a year ago

manchester

Absolutely. Having hit the floor several years ago, it took a hell of a lot of work to rebuild my life. That will always come first now. I know my triggers and signs things aren’t great and I listen. Sometimes I disappear, I don’t answer my phone, I step away from all virtual and distance and just savour the moment. I can’t give anything if I’m not right myself and those close to me fully understand.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Absolutely I do

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t practice self care, I practice don’t care mostly

As a clinical depressive my medication leaves me with very little feeling for anything or anyone

Is that the right answer or did I get the wrong end of the stick

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is something I’ve had to learn. Having spent life giving so much to so many people it leads me to losing myself. I had lost my identity.

I know practice self care above all else. You can fill someone’s cup from the overflow of yours

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Absolutely. Having hit the floor several years ago, it took a hell of a lot of work to rebuild my life. That will always come first now. I know my triggers and signs things aren’t great and I listen. Sometimes I disappear, I don’t answer my phone, I step away from all virtual and distance and just savour the moment. I can’t give anything if I’m not right myself and those close to me fully understand. "

That’s brilliant, being so self aware really helps doesn’t it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Absolutely I do"

Do you have anything you like to do, to practice self care?

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By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

I’m the least looked after person in the family because I’ve always been the caretaker it’s a hard thing to let go of

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I don’t practice self care, I practice don’t care mostly

As a clinical depressive my medication leaves me with very little feeling for anything or anyone

Is that the right answer or did I get the wrong end of the stick"

Is it something you would like to do?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"This is something I’ve had to learn. Having spent life giving so much to so many people it leads me to losing myself. I had lost my identity.

I know practice self care above all else. You can fill someone’s cup from the overflow of yours"

Exactly that

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I’m the least looked after person in the family because I’ve always been the caretaker it’s a hard thing to let go of "

Is there something you would like to do?

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West


"I’m the least looked after person in the family because I’ve always been the caretaker it’s a hard thing to let go of "

^^^This. I'm everyone else's rock.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I’m the least looked after person in the family because I’ve always been the caretaker it’s a hard thing to let go of "

It’s hard because you will feel like that is your identity regardless of if you want to be that person or not

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By *ornyhappyCouple
over a year ago

perth

I quite often forget I even have a cup!

K

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By *izzy.miss.lizzyCouple
over a year ago

Pembrokeshire

It's taken me a lot of years to learn that self care isn't selfish when you have others in your life to consider.

It's all very well taking care of others if it's what makes you tick, but burn out doesn't make for fun times for everyone.

I do put self care higher on my list of "to dos" sometimes, we all benefit from it in the long run.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

At Mr N's insistence I do now.

For probably the same reasons as Mrs Kinky couple I forgot about it for a bit.

Mostly my self care consists of not calling my parents or conversely calling them so I don't spend the day anticipating the phone ringing. It also means cutting my brothers off to a large degree.

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By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle


"I’m the least looked after person in the family because I’ve always been the caretaker it’s a hard thing to let go of

It’s hard because you will feel like that is your identity regardless of if you want to be that person or not"

Exactly, it feels like this is who I am

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"I’m the least looked after person in the family because I’ve always been the caretaker it’s a hard thing to let go of

It’s hard because you will feel like that is your identity regardless of if you want to be that person or not"

This is very true. Startlingly so!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nither I fill other people cups

I take injoyment off seeing others happy and smileing

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

Even Jesus is reported to have said ’love your neighbour as yourself’. If you don’t love yourself how can you love others?

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West


"At Mr N's insistence I do now.

For probably the same reasons as Mrs Kinky couple I forgot about it for a bit.

Mostly my self care consists of not calling my parents or conversely calling them so I don't spend the day anticipating the phone ringing. It also means cutting my brothers off to a large degree.

"

Yep, not dissimilar to me but cutting my mother off is currently impossible because, by law, I have to contact her. I'll be glad when that's sorted but it's not straightforward.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral


"At Mr N's insistence I do now.

For probably the same reasons as Mrs Kinky couple I forgot about it for a bit.

Mostly my self care consists of not calling my parents or conversely calling them so I don't spend the day anticipating the phone ringing. It also means cutting my brothers off to a large degree.

"

I've struggled with self care in the past but I've also found cutting a handful of people out of my life has reduced the strain on me a lot.

There are times where I find myself run ragged trying to support others and have no energy left over for myself, but that situation isn't the norm any more. I can cope with it as a short term exception.

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By *achDeMan
over a year ago

Barnet

I wish I could say that I do, sadly I really have time. Im usually working and when I'm not I'm taking care of others!

My old outlet if self-care was making music but I dont seem to have time for that anymore!

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By *inkyInkedBiWoman
over a year ago

.

You know my situation over the past years, and tbh any type of care for myself went out of the window. I slept days away. Ate far too much for months. The kids were (and still are) my top priority, so I was on autopilot for a good few years honestly, just trying to be mum and dad.

I was burnt out, a mess, and realised for me to be my best for the kids, I had to look after me too.

I still struggle with it tbh. I don’t get much time for me, so any time I do get I try to incorporate some self care and accept it’s ok to give yourself the love you give everyone else

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This is something I’ve had to learn. Having spent life giving so much to so many people it leads me to losing myself. I had lost my identity.

I know practice self care above all else. You can fill someone’s cup from the overflow of yours"

This in many ways but being a lone parent it’s difficult to find the time and space you sometimes need to be able to do this....I step away from others but not so easily done at home

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"At Mr N's insistence I do now.

For probably the same reasons as Mrs Kinky couple I forgot about it for a bit.

Mostly my self care consists of not calling my parents or conversely calling them so I don't spend the day anticipating the phone ringing. It also means cutting my brothers off to a large degree.

Yep, not dissimilar to me but cutting my mother off is currently impossible because, by law, I have to contact her. I'll be glad when that's sorted but it's not straightforward."

Oh lord! I have no legal obligation to contact my brothers but I felt it was up to me to keep them in the loop re the 'rents. Hell even the dementia UK help line told me to . It's very difficult to shake off your traditional position within the family but I'm done now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've always helped others, but it's been to the detriment of myself.

I now follow a more spiritual path - studied reiki and am currently studying meditation and other therapies. I realised I am able to help others, but I need to help myself first by knowing how better to help them.

I have also stepped back from negativity such as social media, energy vampires and drama llamas where possible.

These things work for me, I'm not preaching or advocating them. We're all individual.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This is something I’ve had to learn. Having spent life giving so much to so many people it leads me to losing myself. I had lost my identity.

I know practice self care above all else. You can fill someone’s cup from the overflow of yours

This in many ways but being a lone parent it’s difficult to find the time and space you sometimes need to be able to do this....I step away from others but not so easily done at home"

It’s learning to say no that’s important

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"At Mr N's insistence I do now.

For probably the same reasons as Mrs Kinky couple I forgot about it for a bit.

Mostly my self care consists of not calling my parents or conversely calling them so I don't spend the day anticipating the phone ringing. It also means cutting my brothers off to a large degree.

I've struggled with self care in the past but I've also found cutting a handful of people out of my life has reduced the strain on me a lot.

There are times where I find myself run ragged trying to support others and have no energy left over for myself, but that situation isn't the norm any more. I can cope with it as a short term exception."

I think it comes from a deep sense of responsibility for other people. I suppose self care is knowing when to step back

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This is something I’ve had to learn. Having spent life giving so much to so many people it leads me to losing myself. I had lost my identity.

I know practice self care above all else. You can fill someone’s cup from the overflow of yours

This in many ways but being a lone parent it’s difficult to find the time and space you sometimes need to be able to do this....I step away from others but not so easily done at home

It’s learning to say no that’s important"

And I do often. It’s the emotional demands that when they are going through hardship that’s hard to constantly deal with. They understand that mum needs time out....however they’re needs come first. .....not their wants but their needs

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West


"At Mr N's insistence I do now.

For probably the same reasons as Mrs Kinky couple I forgot about it for a bit.

Mostly my self care consists of not calling my parents or conversely calling them so I don't spend the day anticipating the phone ringing. It also means cutting my brothers off to a large degree.

Yep, not dissimilar to me but cutting my mother off is currently impossible because, by law, I have to contact her. I'll be glad when that's sorted but it's not straightforward.

Oh lord! I have no legal obligation to contact my brothers but I felt it was up to me to keep them in the loop re the 'rents. Hell even the dementia UK help line told me to . It's very difficult to shake off your traditional position within the family but I'm done now."

I'm executor to my Grandad's estate. My mother is intertwined with it. Therefore I can't not contact her about that

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"At Mr N's insistence I do now.

For probably the same reasons as Mrs Kinky couple I forgot about it for a bit.

Mostly my self care consists of not calling my parents or conversely calling them so I don't spend the day anticipating the phone ringing. It also means cutting my brothers off to a large degree.

Yep, not dissimilar to me but cutting my mother off is currently impossible because, by law, I have to contact her. I'll be glad when that's sorted but it's not straightforward.

Oh lord! I have no legal obligation to contact my brothers but I felt it was up to me to keep them in the loop re the 'rents. Hell even the dementia UK help line told me to . It's very difficult to shake off your traditional position within the family but I'm done now.

I'm executor to my Grandad's estate. My mother is intertwined with it. Therefore I can't not contact her about that "

Darn. I'd forgotten about that. I'm joint executor of my parents estate with one of my brothers. Damn!

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West


"At Mr N's insistence I do now.

For probably the same reasons as Mrs Kinky couple I forgot about it for a bit.

Mostly my self care consists of not calling my parents or conversely calling them so I don't spend the day anticipating the phone ringing. It also means cutting my brothers off to a large degree.

Yep, not dissimilar to me but cutting my mother off is currently impossible because, by law, I have to contact her. I'll be glad when that's sorted but it's not straightforward.

Oh lord! I have no legal obligation to contact my brothers but I felt it was up to me to keep them in the loop re the 'rents. Hell even the dementia UK help line told me to . It's very difficult to shake off your traditional position within the family but I'm done now.

I'm executor to my Grandad's estate. My mother is intertwined with it. Therefore I can't not contact her about that

Darn. I'd forgotten about that. I'm joint executor of my parents estate with one of my brothers. Damn! "

I hope your parents live as long as possible. I'd been willing my Grandad to be immortal

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

^^ thank you ^^

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

For 40 years I put everyone else's mask on before my own and I filled their cups before my own.

Then I fell ill and realised I had just been coping all along. I spent the next 9.5 years struggling with that realisation and trying to find the courage to be a little more selfish.

Eventually reached the end of that tunnel just before turning 50 and accepted that the only way I could continue to help others was to help myself first.

This was reinforced when on a number of search and rescue courses and the number one instruction was to always check for danger before attempting to rescue someone else.

I now practice self care and I am in a much better place.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"For 40 years I put everyone else's mask on before my own and I filled their cups before my own.

Then I fell ill and realised I had just been coping all along. I spent the next 9.5 years struggling with that realisation and trying to find the courage to be a little more selfish.

Eventually reached the end of that tunnel just before turning 50 and accepted that the only way I could continue to help others was to help myself first.

This was reinforced when on a number of search and rescue courses and the number one instruction was to always check for danger before attempting to rescue someone else.

I now practice self care and I am in a much better place. "

Do you think it is selfish though? Surely your own self care is important, for you to be able to give to others?

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast


"For 40 years I put everyone else's mask on before my own and I filled their cups before my own.

Then I fell ill and realised I had just been coping all along. I spent the next 9.5 years struggling with that realisation and trying to find the courage to be a little more selfish.

Eventually reached the end of that tunnel just before turning 50 and accepted that the only way I could continue to help others was to help myself first.

This was reinforced when on a number of search and rescue courses and the number one instruction was to always check for danger before attempting to rescue someone else.

I now practice self care and I am in a much better place.

Do you think it is selfish though? Surely your own self care is important, for you to be able to give to others?"

I don't see it as selfish anymore but I did and that's what I struggled with because I didn't know any other way. I had been a family carer from the age of 12 so being responsible for others and putting their needs before my own was just what I did without question.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Need to more often

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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago

Stirling

Yes I do, I don’t expect anyone to fill it for me you get out of life what you put in, I don’t think it’s selfish to take yourself away from people or social media or things that can often overwhelm you, solitude is good for the soul at times.

Having an absent father from the age of 7 and going down a steep learning curve with the lack of relationship has taught me to be strong but also how to recognise that, that aspect of my life used to be a trigger for me. I’ve gone through stages of questioning why a father wouldn’t want to be in his child’s life, to hating him, to anger, sadness and everything in between to reach a point of indifference where I really just see him as someone I don’t know and that’s ok as my life has been full of love from other people and my own love of myself.

Self care is ongoing for me it’s allowing me to build my resilience and make meaningful changes to previous thoughts and behaviours that do not contribute to my wellbeing xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yep, the way I see it is that I'm unable to effectively pull anyone else up if I'm in no position to pull myself up.

This is gonna sound selfish as fuck, but why should I expend my effort to try and help other people when I need to use that energy on myself to get me further ahead

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"For 40 years I put everyone else's mask on before my own and I filled their cups before my own.

Then I fell ill and realised I had just been coping all along. I spent the next 9.5 years struggling with that realisation and trying to find the courage to be a little more selfish.

Eventually reached the end of that tunnel just before turning 50 and accepted that the only way I could continue to help others was to help myself first.

This was reinforced when on a number of search and rescue courses and the number one instruction was to always check for danger before attempting to rescue someone else.

I now practice self care and I am in a much better place.

Do you think it is selfish though? Surely your own self care is important, for you to be able to give to others?

I don't see it as selfish anymore but I did and that's what I struggled with because I didn't know any other way. I had been a family carer from the age of 12 so being responsible for others and putting their needs before my own was just what I did without question.

"

Wow, that must have been really hard. I can understand why then.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Yes I do, I don’t expect anyone to fill it for me you get out of life what you put in, I don’t think it’s selfish to take yourself away from people or social media or things that can often overwhelm you, solitude is good for the soul at times.

Having an absent father from the age of 7 and going down a steep learning curve with the lack of relationship has taught me to be strong but also how to recognise that, that aspect of my life used to be a trigger for me. I’ve gone through stages of questioning why a father wouldn’t want to be in his child’s life, to hating him, to anger, sadness and everything in between to reach a point of indifference where I really just see him as someone I don’t know and that’s ok as my life has been full of love from other people and my own love of myself.

Self care is ongoing for me it’s allowing me to build my resilience and make meaningful changes to previous thoughts and behaviours that do not contribute to my wellbeing xx"

LOVE this

Self awareness is key to making those changes

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Yep, the way I see it is that I'm unable to effectively pull anyone else up if I'm in no position to pull myself up.

This is gonna sound selfish as fuck, but why should I expend my effort to try and help other people when I need to use that energy on myself to get me further ahead "

It isn’t selfish to prioritise yourself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

100pc. I believe you have to in order to help others.

It's not huge things in general.

Mediation/mindfullness.

Gym/eat healthy.

Baths

Dog walks.

Tbf until covid I wasn't doing as much of this. And not as intentional self care.

Lesson learned!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Yep, the way I see it is that I'm unable to effectively pull anyone else up if I'm in no position to pull myself up.

This is gonna sound selfish as fuck, but why should I expend my effort to try and help other people when I need to use that energy on myself to get me further ahead

It isn’t selfish to prioritise yourself. "

I guess, but could it also be considered bad form to help someone just because you can also get something out of it in the end?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"100pc. I believe you have to in order to help others.

It's not huge things in general.

Mediation/mindfullness.

Gym/eat healthy.

Baths

Dog walks.

Tbf until covid I wasn't doing as much of this. And not as intentional self care.

Lesson learned!!"

awesome!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Yep, the way I see it is that I'm unable to effectively pull anyone else up if I'm in no position to pull myself up.

This is gonna sound selfish as fuck, but why should I expend my effort to try and help other people when I need to use that energy on myself to get me further ahead

It isn’t selfish to prioritise yourself.

I guess, but could it also be considered bad form to help someone just because you can also get something out of it in the end?"

I suppose it depends if you’re shoving them out of the way to get off the aircraft, or treading on their head to get up

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By *0astMan
over a year ago

Discovering

I spent 20 plus years looking after other people and putting their needs above my own, granted it was part of the job…. There was no self care or even an awareness of care, it was get on with the job at hand. Now I am older, I’ve realised that you have to look after yourself, if you don’t, how can you look after others? (As mentioned above) but the difficulties come when you have to say no and Learn to say no, no to things that aren’t good for you… and put your worth, health and well being above others.

I believe and have seen how people can change everything for the better and for the worse unfortunately, it’s up to us to find our own state of balance.

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

No I don’t and never have but I’m learning to.

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By *hrista BellendWoman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

Yes. If I am not fit and well I cannot protect and nurture others

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Yes. If I am not fit and well I cannot protect and nurture others"

This is very true. You then become the burden

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My dad was ex RE and met my Norwegian mum in the early 70s and I’ve had a good childhood. But I’ve also been the wandering soul in the family. So at 18 I wandered off and signed the line and joined as infantry.

I’ve always been the protector in my family from a young age… my grandad named me little Bjorn Over my fearless streak. And I’ve also been very resilient in my self and my strengths from a young age.

I was never a loner but I knew I had mostly myself to rely on if things went wrong. And with me always off doing something I probably shouldn’t have it tended to. But I became aware that I could pretty much conquer most problems alone.

I’ve done that all of my life… I do love having someone else to care for, protect, love and be there for. So I’d say that’s my general go to for my self help is when I feel overwhelmed I help those around me… it calms me, it helps me focus and the feeling I get from seeing others happy or feeling better makes me feel good too.

Recently when my 6th good friend killed himself and I couldn’t help it broke me. And my wall came tumbling down. The way I’d always lived my life didn’t work anymore. I thought that was it what do I do now! But a friend helped me and is still there for me. I was scared that I’d have to be a different Tom from now on as my old way of self help wouldn’t work.

But I’ve learnt more about myself and my real resilience in the last two months than I ever knew. I’ve learnt talking is the real way to deal with what’s in my head. But from that I’ve learnt I am still me. Because I have learnt to talk to myself and question myself and find the answers again. So I feel like me again and I’ve learnt my real self help was to stop, listen to what my heads saying and question it… then find a soloution and put it into practice. And it’s working. I feel better, I feel happier and my focus is there again. So now I can help people and know it’s purely to enjoy helping, protecting the ones I love or the ones in need!

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By *moothshaftMan
over a year ago

Coventry

I've been the breadwinner and provider for 45 years. If I sink, many around me will sink with me.

And I'm still at the bottom of the pecking order. It's a scary position.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm trying to get better at it, but life gets in the way.

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast


"My dad was ex RE and met my Norwegian mum in the early 70s and I’ve had a good childhood. But I’ve also been the wandering soul in the family. So at 18 I wandered off and signed the line and joined as infantry.

I’ve always been the protector in my family from a young age… my grandad named me little Bjorn Over my fearless streak. And I’ve also been very resilient in my self and my strengths from a young age.

I was never a loner but I knew I had mostly myself to rely on if things went wrong. And with me always off doing something I probably shouldn’t have it tended to. But I became aware that I could pretty much conquer most problems alone.

I’ve done that all of my life… I do love having someone else to care for, protect, love and be there for. So I’d say that’s my general go to for my self help is when I feel overwhelmed I help those around me… it calms me, it helps me focus and the feeling I get from seeing others happy or feeling better makes me feel good too.

Recently when my 6th good friend killed himself and I couldn’t help it broke me. And my wall came tumbling down. The way I’d always lived my life didn’t work anymore. I thought that was it what do I do now! But a friend helped me and is still there for me. I was scared that I’d have to be a different Tom from now on as my old way of self help wouldn’t work.

But I’ve learnt more about myself and my real resilience in the last two months than I ever knew. I’ve learnt talking is the real way to deal with what’s in my head. But from that I’ve learnt I am still me. Because I have learnt to talk to myself and question myself and find the answers again. So I feel like me again and I’ve learnt my real self help was to stop, listen to what my heads saying and question it… then find a soloution and put it into practice. And it’s working. I feel better, I feel happier and my focus is there again. So now I can help people and know it’s purely to enjoy helping, protecting the ones I love or the ones in need!

"

More power to you mate. It's a long journey but by the sound of it you are getting there.

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By *EAT..85Woman
over a year ago

Nottingham

I very much do. I'm one of the happiest people I know and whilst I'm a people pleaser, I also make sure I do things I want for me too. I have a little postcard on my front door that says 'kids don't want a perfect mum, they want a happy mum'.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"My dad was ex RE and met my Norwegian mum in the early 70s and I’ve had a good childhood. But I’ve also been the wandering soul in the family. So at 18 I wandered off and signed the line and joined as infantry.

I’ve always been the protector in my family from a young age… my grandad named me little Bjorn Over my fearless streak. And I’ve also been very resilient in my self and my strengths from a young age.

I was never a loner but I knew I had mostly myself to rely on if things went wrong. And with me always off doing something I probably shouldn’t have it tended to. But I became aware that I could pretty much conquer most problems alone.

I’ve done that all of my life… I do love having someone else to care for, protect, love and be there for. So I’d say that’s my general go to for my self help is when I feel overwhelmed I help those around me… it calms me, it helps me focus and the feeling I get from seeing others happy or feeling better makes me feel good too.

Recently when my 6th good friend killed himself and I couldn’t help it broke me. And my wall came tumbling down. The way I’d always lived my life didn’t work anymore. I thought that was it what do I do now! But a friend helped me and is still there for me. I was scared that I’d have to be a different Tom from now on as my old way of self help wouldn’t work.

But I’ve learnt more about myself and my real resilience in the last two months than I ever knew. I’ve learnt talking is the real way to deal with what’s in my head. But from that I’ve learnt I am still me. Because I have learnt to talk to myself and question myself and find the answers again. So I feel like me again and I’ve learnt my real self help was to stop, listen to what my heads saying and question it… then find a soloution and put it into practice. And it’s working. I feel better, I feel happier and my focus is there again. So now I can help people and know it’s purely to enjoy helping, protecting the ones I love or the ones in need!

"

That’s amazing, to find strength through so much tragedy and heartbreak. I’m glad you did it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My dad was ex RE and met my Norwegian mum in the early 70s and I’ve had a good childhood. But I’ve also been the wandering soul in the family. So at 18 I wandered off and signed the line and joined as infantry.

I’ve always been the protector in my family from a young age… my grandad named me little Bjorn Over my fearless streak. And I’ve also been very resilient in my self and my strengths from a young age.

I was never a loner but I knew I had mostly myself to rely on if things went wrong. And with me always off doing something I probably shouldn’t have it tended to. But I became aware that I could pretty much conquer most problems alone.

I’ve done that all of my life… I do love having someone else to care for, protect, love and be there for. So I’d say that’s my general go to for my self help is when I feel overwhelmed I help those around me… it calms me, it helps me focus and the feeling I get from seeing others happy or feeling better makes me feel good too.

Recently when my 6th good friend killed himself and I couldn’t help it broke me. And my wall came tumbling down. The way I’d always lived my life didn’t work anymore. I thought that was it what do I do now! But a friend helped me and is still there for me. I was scared that I’d have to be a different Tom from now on as my old way of self help wouldn’t work.

But I’ve learnt more about myself and my real resilience in the last two months than I ever knew. I’ve learnt talking is the real way to deal with what’s in my head. But from that I’ve learnt I am still me. Because I have learnt to talk to myself and question myself and find the answers again. So I feel like me again and I’ve learnt my real self help was to stop, listen to what my heads saying and question it… then find a soloution and put it into practice. And it’s working. I feel better, I feel happier and my focus is there again. So now I can help people and know it’s purely to enjoy helping, protecting the ones I love or the ones in need!

That’s amazing, to find strength through so much tragedy and heartbreak. I’m glad you did it. "

It’s still a fight but I like to fight xx and the scariest thing was actually talking.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My dad was ex RE and met my Norwegian mum in the early 70s and I’ve had a good childhood. But I’ve also been the wandering soul in the family. So at 18 I wandered off and signed the line and joined as infantry.

I’ve always been the protector in my family from a young age… my grandad named me little Bjorn Over my fearless streak. And I’ve also been very resilient in my self and my strengths from a young age.

I was never a loner but I knew I had mostly myself to rely on if things went wrong. And with me always off doing something I probably shouldn’t have it tended to. But I became aware that I could pretty much conquer most problems alone.

I’ve done that all of my life… I do love having someone else to care for, protect, love and be there for. So I’d say that’s my general go to for my self help is when I feel overwhelmed I help those around me… it calms me, it helps me focus and the feeling I get from seeing others happy or feeling better makes me feel good too.

Recently when my 6th good friend killed himself and I couldn’t help it broke me. And my wall came tumbling down. The way I’d always lived my life didn’t work anymore. I thought that was it what do I do now! But a friend helped me and is still there for me. I was scared that I’d have to be a different Tom from now on as my old way of self help wouldn’t work.

But I’ve learnt more about myself and my real resilience in the last two months than I ever knew. I’ve learnt talking is the real way to deal with what’s in my head. But from that I’ve learnt I am still me. Because I have learnt to talk to myself and question myself and find the answers again. So I feel like me again and I’ve learnt my real self help was to stop, listen to what my heads saying and question it… then find a soloution and put it into practice. And it’s working. I feel better, I feel happier and my focus is there again. So now I can help people and know it’s purely to enjoy helping, protecting the ones I love or the ones in need!

More power to you mate. It's a long journey but by the sound of it you are getting there. "

Thank you I feel better than I did before to be fair… I jut needed help in getting me back on the track

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I take what I need from life. Mostly.

I can't say selfish tho. I take what I need but not everything that I want.

I sacrifice for my kids, my wife and my family. But that's it. I learned my lesson with emotional vampires.

Most of my self care involves quiet time and a few hours of doing some chatting on here or a puter game.

Self care makes life beatable

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