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Boundaries......

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

I am talking interpersonal boundaries, inspired by somebody stating on another thread that a long term friend suddenly and out of the blue, wanted them to call before visiting.

Do you have boundaries?

What are your boundaries?

What happens if people cross them?

Do you think your boundaries are working?

How do you enforce them?

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By *tue555Man
over a year ago

Passed Beyond Reach


"I am talking interpersonal boundaries, inspired by somebody stating on another thread that a long term friend suddenly and out of the blue, wanted them to call before visiting.

Do you have boundaries?

What are your boundaries?

What happens if people cross them?

Do you think your boundaries are working?

How do you enforce them?"

Think everyone has boundaries. I have personal boundaries and professional boundaries which I will not cross and if nor do I allows others to cross them once st. This may seem to many as quite draconian but they are there for a reason.

As for working yes I think once they are set then they work. Boundaries can be reset because things change but that is done for good reason and not convenience and stick to them.

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By *tue555Man
over a year ago

Passed Beyond Reach


"I am talking interpersonal boundaries, inspired by somebody stating on another thread that a long term friend suddenly and out of the blue, wanted them to call before visiting.

Do you have boundaries?

What are your boundaries?

What happens if people cross them?

Do you think your boundaries are working?

How do you enforce them?

Think everyone has boundaries. I have personal boundaries and professional boundaries which I will not cross and if nor do I allows others to cross them once st. This may seem to many as quite draconian but they are there for a reason.

As for working yes I think once they are set then they work. Boundaries can be reset because things change but that is done for good reason and not convenience and stick to them.

"

Also think boundaries and trust go hand in hand hint to another thread. If boundaries are grey and flexible fir convenience that will impact trust

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"I am talking interpersonal boundaries, inspired by somebody stating on another thread that a long term friend suddenly and out of the blue, wanted them to call before visiting.

Do you have boundaries?

What are your boundaries?

What happens if people cross them?

Do you think your boundaries are working?

How do you enforce them?

Think everyone has boundaries. I have personal boundaries and professional boundaries which I will not cross and if nor do I allows others to cross them once st. This may seem to many as quite draconian but they are there for a reason.

As for working yes I think once they are set then they work. Boundaries can be reset because things change but that is done for good reason and not convenience and stick to them.

"

Nice one!

I was pondering whether everybody does have them in place because there are some people that are always been taken advantage of? And while it it not fair that they are walked over, maybe they could be encouraged to put some boundaries in place to prevent the abuse?

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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago

Cardiff

Call before visiting is always a rule for me, too.

I also don't like being hugged and kissed by people I am not intimate with. I even hate seeing it on chat shows on telly - thank God Covid has stopped most of it.

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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago

Cardiff

Forgot to add, to prevent the kissing I just hold out my hand so it's clear that it's shaking hands for me.

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"Call before visiting is always a rule for me, too.

I also don't like being hugged and kissed by people I am not intimate with. I even hate seeing it on chat shows on telly - thank God Covid has stopped most of it."

I would agree bar for my 4 best friends who can pop in within reason, at any time.

How do you explain the non hugging boundaries to new people? Do you just make a statement at the beginning?

I am asking because while I am a warm person, I dislike the enforced close contact with somebody I only just met and do not know. So I don't want a hug and I certainly dont want a kiss unless I know them well.

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"Forgot to add, to prevent the kissing I just hold out my hand so it's clear that it's shaking hands for me."

Ah brilliant - you answered my question.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have boundaries but don't tell people. If they cross them it's game over and they will never know why.

I can't remember the last time anyone visited without warning. That's seriously bad manners and I wouldn't let them in.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My boundaries are a work in progress. I spent a long time having them ground away, until I couldn’t see which way was up.

It’s taking me a lot of time and patience with myself, and help from others to be able to have stronger boundaries, and to uphold them.

I’m probably overprotective of them now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I really don't think I have strict ones in real life, they depend on the person and the circumstance and anyway I avoid people who aren't considerate or respectful of others.

On Fab I've soon learned they're essential, and giving people a second chance is a bad idea.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

Yes i do both for friends and fwbs. I am clear about them and my expectations. I will cut them off our they do not or cannot abide by them. Its better on all sides as its clean.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"I really don't think I have strict ones in real life, they depend on the person and the circumstance and anyway I avoid people who aren't considerate or respectful of others.

On Fab I've soon learned they're essential, and giving people a second chance is a bad idea."

I think there are two distinct types of people on fab - cautious, lists of rules etc and go with the flow types. I don’t need fixed boundaries, life abs people are way too complex to define rules, but if someone slobers all over me and I don’t like it I just stop them and tell them nicely not to do it again

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By *immyinreadingMan
over a year ago

henley on thames


"I am talking interpersonal boundaries, inspired by somebody stating on another thread that a long term friend suddenly and out of the blue, wanted them to call before visiting.

Do you have boundaries?

What are your boundaries?

What happens if people cross them?

Do you think your boundaries are working?

How do you enforce them?"

People need boundaries, and the boundaries each individual needs are different. Those boundaries are about what makes us feel comfortable or safe and are up to is to define.

Realising that you need a particular boundary is a positive thing. Telling others about those boundaries is a positive thing as it helps them to interact with you in a way that does not cause you to feel uncomfortable.

This is all perfectly natural

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

So it sounds like people by and large agree we need boundaries. And that enforcing them is a good thing.

What about giving people warning that they are crossing these boundaries?

And how are people meant to know what the boundaries are?

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

.

First off - I don't really have many boundaries in my personal life. Work, yes, I have to.

As far as letting people know when they've crossed a boundary/done something I'm unhappy? I will talk to them, whether that's in "real" life or fab life. I can get a bit arsey about it if it's one that I can recall talking about with a person and they've shown a complete disregard to it later - it's rude, ignorant and more often than not something they'd hate another doing to them. Most of the time I try and rationally say I feel uncomfortable/unhappy and then it's up to them to act on that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have major boundaries

My family don't know where I live

They think they do, but I haven't lived there for over two years

I don't invite friends to my home regularly - maybe 3 or 4 visits a year between them

I much prefer to visit them or meet in a cafe / bar

I do not allow colleagues and people I know through work to add me as a friend on social media

I block them if I find them first

My OH thinks it's hilarious (thankfully)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I think there are two distinct types of people on fab - cautious, lists of rules etc and go with the flow types. I don’t need fixed boundaries, life abs people are way too complex to define rules, but if someone slobers all over me and I don’t like it I just stop them and tell them nicely not to do it again "

I see boundaries as a matter of respect, not 'rules' and on Fab for me they're just another filter to find out how compatible I am with someone.

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By *tue555Man
over a year ago

Passed Beyond Reach


"So it sounds like people by and large agree we need boundaries. And that enforcing them is a good thing.

What about giving people warning that they are crossing these boundaries?

And how are people meant to know what the boundaries are?"

This is maybe just an old farts view, boundaries are important and need to be enforced - no I don't mean with guard posts and turret guns - would be amusing if you could

It also helps with credibility and trust. Has been posted a few times by people don't stick to to their convictions or change witch ever way the wind is blowing - would they actually respect your boundaries especially if they are grey, vague or fluid, wouldn't they try and push them for their own gain and less likely to respect yours.

Good clear boundaries well communicated to people who have shown they stick by their own convictions or boundaries will give more confidence and trust.

Boundaries need not be fixed but they should be clear and decisive at which ever point the are in play. Then it is easy to control and enforce and less like others to try and push them.

I have to have strong boundaries in my line of work that are solid, goes with integrity, trust and confidence

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By *issAphroditeWoman
over a year ago

Norwich

Yes, lots. I think a lot of conflict comes when people assume that their boundaries are shared or understood or when people really don't respect them and think they're a starting point for negotiation.

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

When I was younger, I was not very clear with my boundaries - I did not want to offend on the one hand but equally I did not want to be taken advantage of so sometimes I under-communicated and sometimes I was too assertive, well, maybe aggressive in communicating them.

When people ignore our boundaries.... should it be two strikes and out with the third?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I would like to labour under a delusion and announce that I don't think I have any boundaries or at least don't have many ...... but ........

When visiting my home ( she lives 250 miles away ) my daughter was getting dressed and preparing to drive home.

She came swanning down the stairs and announced.........'Hope you don't mind I've borrowed a bit of your perfume.' ..... and just proceeded to get her stuff to put into the car.

The air smelled sweetly of what I only use when I go somewhere special......

I was classically passive aggressive.....

Avoiding conflict as they got into the car and I waved them off but inside....... dear God... it's a miracle that nothing got cooked in there .....

Boundary crossed!

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By *ink Panther.Woman
over a year ago

Preston


"So it sounds like people by and large agree we need boundaries. And that enforcing them is a good thing.

What about giving people warning that they are crossing these boundaries?

And how are people meant to know what the boundaries are?"

Anyone who knows me will tell you they are fully aware of my boundaries. I make sure they know as I don’t like surprises. It’s rare anyone would attempt to cross the line but they soon know about it when they’re close

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"I would like to labour under a delusion and announce that I don't think I have any boundaries or at least don't have many ...... but ........

When visiting my home ( she lives 250 miles away ) my daughter was getting dressed and preparing to drive home.

She came swanning down the stairs and announced.........'Hope you don't mind I've borrowed a bit of your perfume.' ..... and just proceeded to get her stuff to put into the car.

The air smelled sweetly of what I only use when I go somewhere special......

I was classically passive aggressive.....

Avoiding conflict as they got into the car and I waved them off but inside....... dear God... it's a miracle that nothing got cooked in there .....

Boundary crossed!

"

I can relate - I now have two similar perfumes for that reason.I cannot say "no" to her.

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"So it sounds like people by and large agree we need boundaries. And that enforcing them is a good thing.

What about giving people warning that they are crossing these boundaries?

And how are people meant to know what the boundaries are?

Anyone who knows me will tell you they are fully aware of my boundaries. I make sure they know as I don’t like surprises. It’s rare anyone would attempt to cross the line but they soon know about it when they’re close "

Great if they can read the room and know!

You must have communicated it well.

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By *ink Panther.Woman
over a year ago

Preston


"So it sounds like people by and large agree we need boundaries. And that enforcing them is a good thing.

What about giving people warning that they are crossing these boundaries?

And how are people meant to know what the boundaries are?

Anyone who knows me will tell you they are fully aware of my boundaries. I make sure they know as I don’t like surprises. It’s rare anyone would attempt to cross the line but they soon know about it when they’re close

Great if they can read the room and know!

You must have communicated it well. "

I say what I mean and I mean what I say, it helps

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

Friends and family know my boundaries, know no not to cross them and if they do they get a flat no.

New people wouldn’t know my boundaries, that comes over time via conversation or told in the moment.

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By *immyinreadingMan
over a year ago

henley on thames


"So it sounds like people by and large agree we need boundaries. And that enforcing them is a good thing.

What about giving people warning that they are crossing these boundaries?

And how are people meant to know what the boundaries are?"

If you don’t tell people about your boundaries then they won’t know about them, and may inadvertently cross them.

Spell them out gently but clearly. If people step over them give them a gentle reminder. If they continue to break the boundaries then they either don’t care or are doing it deliberately so get away from them

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By *tue555Man
over a year ago

Passed Beyond Reach


"So it sounds like people by and large agree we need boundaries. And that enforcing them is a good thing.

What about giving people warning that they are crossing these boundaries?

And how are people meant to know what the boundaries are?

If you don’t tell people about your boundaries then they won’t know about them, and may inadvertently cross them.

Spell them out gently but clearly. If people step over them give them a gentle reminder. If they continue to break the boundaries then they either don’t care or are doing it deliberately so get away from them "

Communication is key and the confidence to - unfortunately the latter can be difficult as people often don't want to offend especially if it someone they like a lot.

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By *immyinreadingMan
over a year ago

henley on thames


"When I was younger, I was not very clear with my boundaries - I did not want to offend on the one hand but equally I did not want to be taken advantage of so sometimes I under-communicated and sometimes I was too assertive, well, maybe aggressive in communicating them.

When people ignore our boundaries.... should it be two strikes and out with the third? "

I wouldn’t go with a hard and fast rule re 3 strikes. But if you have explained a boundary to someone and explained why it is important to you, they might overstep it once or twice by accident or die to forgetfulness, but you will get a feel for someone who has decided not to respect the boundary and is ignoring your boundary or deliberately overstepping the mark. That’s when I would pull out the red card.

A mate of mine was a massive hoarder. He knew it wasn’t good, but when another of my mates spoke to him about it he was very clear, saying look I know it’s a problem but please don’t nag me about it or try to “help”, I don’t want to lose you as a friend, but that’s what will happen if you continue so please drop it. A very clear boundary, a very clear yellow card.

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"When I was younger, I was not very clear with my boundaries - I did not want to offend on the one hand but equally I did not want to be taken advantage of so sometimes I under-communicated and sometimes I was too assertive, well, maybe aggressive in communicating them.

When people ignore our boundaries.... should it be two strikes and out with the third?

I wouldn’t go with a hard and fast rule re 3 strikes. But if you have explained a boundary to someone and explained why it is important to you, they might overstep it once or twice by accident or die to forgetfulness, but you will get a feel for someone who has decided not to respect the boundary and is ignoring your boundary or deliberately overstepping the mark. That’s when I would pull out the red card.

A mate of mine was a massive hoarder. He knew it wasn’t good, but when another of my mates spoke to him about it he was very clear, saying look I know it’s a problem but please don’t nag me about it or try to “help”, I don’t want to lose you as a friend, but that’s what will happen if you continue so please drop it. A very clear boundary, a very clear yellow card. "
That does sound like a good boundary well placed.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

[Removed by poster at 24/08/21 16:18:53]

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I have boundaries, quite a few actually , probably too many to list but basically they're all related to treating me with respect and respecting my privacy. If people cross them I either say something or step back. My boundaries are working and I don't really enforce them, people seem to respect them mostly.

God! That makes me sound cold and hard. Probably sums me up nicely

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have never really had the confidence to set boundaries and admit to having been a bit of a pushover. It would frustrate me massively to hear myself say Yes when I really meant No! Anyway, age and experience brings a little bit of confidence and I did manage to set a firm decisive boundary recently with someone who I have never managed to before. It created exactly the huge massive kerfuffle and drama I knew it would, and is exactly the reason boundaries were never set previously, because the consequences weren't worth the effort. But actually it felt really amazing to do, boosted my confidence a lot and actually seemed to work! If I had known this 20 yrs ago.... For some being assertive isnt easy and it something that could do with being taught, by who Im not sure, but it should be something we are capable of doing. The reaction of people who dont ever expect you to stand up for yourself, after you have stood up for yourself is priceless. They know there is no control over you any more. Hurrah for that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I have never really had the confidence to set boundaries and admit to having been a bit of a pushover. It would frustrate me massively to hear myself say Yes when I really meant No! Anyway, age and experience brings a little bit of confidence and I did manage to set a firm decisive boundary recently with someone who I have never managed to before. It created exactly the huge massive kerfuffle and drama I knew it would, and is exactly the reason boundaries were never set previously, because the consequences weren't worth the effort. But actually it felt really amazing to do, boosted my confidence a lot and actually seemed to work! If I had known this 20 yrs ago.... For some being assertive isnt easy and it something that could do with being taught, by who Im not sure, but it should be something we are capable of doing. The reaction of people who dont ever expect you to stand up for yourself, after you have stood up for yourself is priceless. They know there is no control over you any more. Hurrah for that. "

Love this, I’m on a very similar path myself.

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