FabSwingers.com forum: Friends: Dumping/Being Dumped

By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Woman's Hour this morning had an interesting discussion about the grief of being dumped by a close friend and what drives you to dump a friend.

I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

*No Fab friend stories and all identities to be protected.*

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Just before Lickety came into being, I ended my nearly 40 year relationship with my two closest friends.

People drift apart and I had become their second/third/last choice compared to their more local friends with children. In the run up to my last life-ending moment they cancelled our annual Christmas weekend, then the rearranged date and didn't respond to my messages saying I was ill and needed a chat.

After surviving, I wrote them an old-fashioned letter telling them I released them from any friendship with me. I told them that the time they would have found to attend my funeral I would prefer used before the need for a funeral.

They contacted me and I agreed to meet with them to clear the air. We ended our friendship that afternoon.

I was closer to those two women than I have been to anyone other than close family. We still send birthday and Christmas greetings but that is all. I grieve the loss but I hated the feeling of being treated like an afterthought, at best.

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By *yronMan
over a year ago

grangemouth

I was close friends with a guy who basically dropped me for someone else. I'd stayed over with him and his wife at their house, we'd gone to wargames shows together, regularly spoke on the phone and then suddenly, he dropped me.

It turns out that he and other guy had been friends before, had a falling out and I was his replacement friend. When they became friends again, I was out of the picture.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I was close friends with a guy who basically dropped me for someone else. I'd stayed over with him and his wife at their house, we'd gone to wargames shows together, regularly spoke on the phone and then suddenly, he dropped me.

It turns out that he and other guy had been friends before, had a falling out and I was his replacement friend. When they became friends again, I was out of the picture."

How did it make you feel to find out you were the rebound friend?

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By *yronMan
over a year ago

grangemouth

It turns out that he and other guy had been friends before, had a falling out and I was his replacement friend. When they became friends again, I was out of the picture.

How did it make you feel to find out you were the rebound friend?

Very hurt. We'd been in the same reenactment groups and I thought we were close, he knew secrets about me that others didn't. And suddenly, I just don't exist to him.

It was 6 years ago and it still hurts me.

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By *yrdsisWoman
over a year ago

Gleam Street

I lost what I thought was a good friend 12 years ago.

She pushed for a marriage with her childhood sweetheart...I was her bridesmaid..full on.. yes!

She cheated on him and expected me to go with it.... I did not.

She no longer speaks to me... her ex got ALL the friends x

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By *yrdsisWoman
over a year ago

Gleam Street

Ps.. did not hurt me... but what she did to my Mum is unforgivable

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

It turns out that he and other guy had been friends before, had a falling out and I was his replacement friend. When they became friends again, I was out of the picture.

How did it make you feel to find out you were the rebound friend?

Very hurt. We'd been in the same reenactment groups and I thought we were close, he knew secrets about me that others didn't. And suddenly, I just don't exist to him.

It was 6 years ago and it still hurts me."

I'm sorry you are still hurting.

A lot of friendships are secured on that exchange of secrets.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Ps.. did not hurt me... but what she did to my Mum is unforgivable"

What did she do to your mum ?

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Ps.. did not hurt me... but what she did to my Mum is unforgivable"

Is that not a hurt of a sort?

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

I don't have a single friend from schooldays or childhood.

I was the one who did all the running, rescuing them when they got in trouble, driving them when they were d*unk etc etc.

I visited them, they never visited me. I was there when they lost their parents and in one case a wife but they weren't there when I lost one of my parents.

So around the grand old age of 23 I cut all ties with every last one of them and in the 30+ years since have not exchanged more than a hello with any of them.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I lost what I thought was a good friend 12 years ago.

She pushed for a marriage with her childhood sweetheart...I was her bridesmaid..full on.. yes!

She cheated on him and expected me to go with it.... I did not.

She no longer speaks to me... her ex got ALL the friends x"

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By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

I cut off quite a few “friends” after my divorce. They promised they would be there if needed & when I cracked & admitted I needed help they weren’t there at all.

The ones that hurt the most were those who were there but then disappeared when T was diagnosed with cancer. When I needed help with my kids so I could visit etc… (as ex worked away & hospital an hour each way).

I just stopped communicating with them all.

I have my 3 that I keep close. They are like sisters. We’ve been through everything together & they are a huge part of the reason I am here today. They are all I need. If I lost any of them, I think I would feel a huge sense of grief.

J x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a best friend of ten years, who just stopped talking to me one day, still don’t know why, and she didn’t even contact me when my dad died, which really hurt.

It took a long time to get over it.

To those it’s happened to, it’s ok to grieve over it.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I don't have a single friend from schooldays or childhood.

I was the one who did all the running, rescuing them when they got in trouble, driving them when they were d*unk etc etc.

I visited them, they never visited me. I was there when they lost their parents and in one case a wife but they weren't there when I lost one of my parents.

So around the grand old age of 23 I cut all ties with every last one of them and in the 30+ years since have not exchanged more than a hello with any of them.

Was it a sudden decision to cut them off or had it been building for some time?

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By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

My closest friends joined a car/camper club that had become their latest interest, it wasn’t something that I could follow or join in with so we just sort of drifted apart, I was also single by then so I was totally out of their loop, it happens, it’s no ones fault, if I saw them now it wouldn’t be a problem at all

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

What are these friends you speak of?

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I cut off quite a few “friends” after my divorce. They promised they would be there if needed & when I cracked & admitted I needed help they weren’t there at all.

I just stopped communicating with them all.

J x"

It is hurtful when people melt away when you ask for help. Friendships, like all relationships, need tending and reaffirming but it can't be all one way.

I hope your 3 'sisters' and you remain loving friends for as long as it works.

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

"I don't have a single friend from schooldays or childhood.

I was the one who did all the running, rescuing them when they got in trouble, driving them when they were d*unk etc etc.

I visited them, they never visited me. I was there when they lost their parents and in one case a wife but they weren't there when I lost one of my parents.

So around the grand old age of 23 I cut all ties with every last one of them and in the 30+ years since have not exchanged more than a hello with any of them.

Was it a sudden decision to cut them off or had it been building for some time?

It was probably gradual as each one fell away. There were a small group of 6 of us that used to hang out as teenagers. I was the responsible one who didn't drink and was always the designated driver. All apart from one still live within 20 miles and once I realised my efforts weren't being reciprocated I just gave up trying.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I was being educated for my latest role the commander had this on the white board behind him.

99% of your friends are no such thing. They are acquaintances or work colleagues. Count yourself lucky if you have five real friends.

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By *oreThanCurvyWoman
over a year ago

Bucks

When I was divorcing and my ex husband was abusive, my best friend stopped answering the phone calls from me. I was devastated and texted her asking for the reason. She said that there is too much drama in my life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When I was divorcing and my ex husband was abusive, my best friend stopped answering the phone calls from me. I was devastated and texted her asking for the reason. She said that there is too much drama in my life.

I’m so sorry

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By *oreThanCurvyWoman
over a year ago

Bucks

He was right unfortunately

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By *izzy.miss.lizzyCouple
over a year ago

Pembrokeshire

"Woman's Hour this morning had an interesting discussion about the grief of being dumped by a close friend and what drives you to dump a friend.

I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

*No Fab friend stories and all identities to be protected.*"

The woman who I thought was my bestie for 14 years invited my late Husband and I to be GodParents to her two Daughters.

Turned out that she was having an affair with him behind my back for 5 years, and I never knew.

It wasn't loosing her as a friend that hurt, but loosing contact with my lovely God Daughters.

I was willing to put the affair to one side to continue seeing the girls, after all, it wasn't their fault what was going on... but she got all bitter and twisted about it and used stopping me seeing the girls to make me pay because he wouldn't leave me for her!

I still miss my God Daughters, they were lovely girls, and a huge part of my life for so long.

I know they missed me, the messages they sent when we went our separate ways told me so.

People can be so nasty

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I had a best friend of ten years, who just stopped talking to me one day, still don’t know why, and she didn’t even contact me when my dad died, which really hurt.

It took a long time to get over it.

To those it’s happened to, it’s ok to grieve over it. "

The 'expert' on Woman's Hour said that women usually don't give a reason and just stop, leaving it ambiguous but clearly no longer a friendship.

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By *oreThanCurvyWoman
over a year ago

Bucks

Thank you. Xx

I was hurting badly and was embarrassed that I haven't noticed that she's not my friend.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't have a single friend from schooldays or childhood.

I was the one who did all the running, rescuing them when they got in trouble, driving them when they were d*unk etc etc.

I visited them, they never visited me. I was there when they lost their parents and in one case a wife but they weren't there when I lost one of my parents.

So around the grand old age of 23 I cut all ties with every last one of them and in the 30+ years since have not exchanged more than a hello with any of them.

Damn, this was a hard read …

I don’t have shit loads of friends but those few ones I have, I’d die for and vice versa x

The majority of people I’m friendly with, I call people I know but not friends as for me friendship is like the family we choose.

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By *yrdsisWoman
over a year ago

Gleam Street

"Ps.. did not hurt me... but what she did to my Mum is unforgivable

What did she do to your mum ?"

My Mum gave her space from an abusive parent relationship... she handed her a key to the house and madw her welcome... not once denouncing her evil mother.. she took her in, clothed her, loved her...and yes... she wasn't her child... but Mum was far nicer than I ever was.... or her actual bitch of a mother

It's ok... we got the ex husband in the divorce... we adore him and his missus

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"What are these friends you speak of?

It's an oft repeated show on telly.

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By *yronMan
over a year ago

grangemouth

"I had a best friend of ten years, who just stopped talking to me one day, still don’t know why, and she didn’t even contact me when my dad died, which really hurt.

It took a long time to get over it.

To those it’s happened to, it’s ok to grieve over it.

The 'expert' on Woman's Hour said that women usually don't give a reason and just stop, leaving it ambiguous but clearly no longer a friendship."

Men do that s well, sadly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My best friend made me chose bween them ever other friend made me chose them over family

Looked sweet and nice to the outside world behind closed doors would tell me I was ugly and that one one liked me and is she leaves no one will ever like me then she cheated

And I was at such a low place I was even willing to forgive and for get just so my best friend would come home she decided that she wasn’t going to come home and decided to leave me broken

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Woman's Hour this morning had an interesting discussion about the grief of being dumped by a close friend and what drives you to dump a friend.

I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

*No Fab friend stories and all identities to be protected.*

The woman who I thought was my bestie for 14 years invited my late Husband and I to be GodParents to her two Daughters.

Turned out that she was having an affair with him behind my back for 5 years, and I never knew.

It wasn't loosing her as a friend that hurt, but loosing contact with my lovely God Daughters.

I still miss my God Daughters, they were lovely girls, and a huge part of my life for so long.

I know they missed me, the messages they sent when we went our separate ways told me so.

People can be so nasty

Omg people are awful! Jeez , don’t lose hope maybe one day when your god daughters are old enough, they will come to you freely and there’s nothing the awful mother can do to stop them! Don’t lose hope x

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I don't have a single friend from schooldays or childhood.

I was the one who did all the running, rescuing them when they got in trouble, driving them when they were d*unk etc etc.

I visited them, they never visited me. I was there when they lost their parents and in one case a wife but they weren't there when I lost one of my parents.

So around the grand old age of 23 I cut all ties with every last one of them and in the 30+ years since have not exchanged more than a hello with any of them.

Was it a sudden decision to cut them off or had it been building for some time?

I hope your current friends understand the give and take of relationships.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"When I was being educated for my latest role the commander had this on the white board behind him.

99% of your friends are no such thing. They are acquaintances or work colleagues. Count yourself lucky if you have five real friends.

I think that is true for a lot of 'friendships' not just work ones.

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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago

Calderdale innit

I cut off a friend of a good few years, 5 years ago.

She had a drinking problem and was always causing drama with others.. My sister died of alcoholism and I'd stood by my friend through 2 detoxes and countless dramas.

The final straw came when I found out she had been telling people the private stuff i'd shared with her.

I should have known she would do it to me, I saw her gossip to /about others.

All I felt was relief to be honest.

Years on she's still exactly the same apparently.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I'm sorry that happened to you at that time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This thread is making me real sad x

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Woman's Hour this morning had an interesting discussion about the grief of being dumped by a close friend and what drives you to dump a friend.

I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.

*No Fab friend stories and all identities to be protected.*

The woman who I thought was my bestie for 14 years invited my late Husband and I to be GodParents to her two Daughters.

Turned out that she was having an affair with him behind my back for 5 years, and I never knew.

It wasn't loosing her as a friend that hurt, but loosing contact with my lovely God Daughters.

I still miss my God Daughters, they were lovely girls, and a huge part of my life for so long.

I know they missed me, the messages they sent when we went our separate ways told me so.

People can be so nasty

That's very sad, for the God Daughters and for you.

What happened to the husband?

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

I was dropped when it became clear my disability was permenent and I'd no longer be able to do the things I had before. I was asked not to come on the annual girl's weekend away because, and I quote, "others wouldn't want to feel guilty while I waited outside things/was unable to do things". Such things included ascending dreaming spires in Oxford; going to nightclubs (steps), punting etc.

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By *iBBWLondonWoman
over a year ago

London

"I was dropped when it became clear my disability was permenent and I'd no longer be able to do the things I had before. I was asked not to come on the annual girl's weekend away because, and I quote, "others wouldn't want to feel guilty while I waited outside things/was unable to do things". Such things included ascending dreaming spires in Oxford; going to nightclubs (steps), punting etc. "

Friends like that aren’t worth your time. That is so shitty.

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By *yrdsisWoman
over a year ago

Gleam Street

Dont be. Hopefully most of us have made waayy better friends now xx

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"My best friend made me chose bween them ever other friend made me chose them over family

Looked sweet and nice to the outside world behind closed doors would tell me I was ugly and that one one liked me and is she leaves no one will ever like me then she cheated

And I was at such a low place I was even willing to forgive and for get just so my best friend would come home she decided that she wasn’t going to come home and decided to leave me broken "

Friends don't call each other ugly. I'm sorry you experienced that.

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By *yrdsisWoman
over a year ago

Gleam Street

Not froends.. come to the weird world of weegies.we'll get you oot!

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I cut off a friend of a good few years, 5 years ago.

She had a drinking problem and was always causing drama with others.. My sister died of alcoholism and I'd stood by my friend through 2 detoxes and countless dramas.

The final straw came when I found out she had been telling people the private stuff i'd shared with her.

I should have known she would do it to me, I saw her gossip to /about others.

All I felt was relief to be honest.

Years on she's still exactly the same apparently. "

As hurtful as it can feel to be cut off, sometimes we have to cut people off to protect and regain ourselves.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dropped my mate of 16 years. He was my best man at my wedding and had travelled from Australia to be there, but his behaviour that week was deplorable and I haven't spoken to him since his return. He still sends me messages on my birthday and I still miss the friendship we had before he moved away.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"This thread is making me real sad x

I'm sorry. I thought it was a relatable discussion that we don't often have.

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By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

"My best friend made me chose bween them ever other friend made me chose them over family

Looked sweet and nice to the outside world behind closed doors would tell me I was ugly and that one one liked me and is she leaves no one will ever like me then she cheated

And I was at such a low place I was even willing to forgive and for get just so my best friend would come home she decided that she wasn’t going to come home and decided to leave me broken

Friends don't call each other ugly. I'm sorry you experienced that."

I agree. Friends should tell you a dress doesn’t suit you but never call you ugly!!!

J x

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Sadly, I have seen this too many times. I am sorry your group saw you in this way.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Gish.. Quite a lot actually!

When i left my husband, i abandoned all of my very close, very good friends.. I can't explain it, other than i just couldn't face them

We slowly got back into each others lives, but not in the same way

Another 'best' friend chose my ex

Then later a very close friend 'left' me because of a difference over a bf... I realised afterwards that she dropped all of her friends in favour of new joint friends... I'm not sure I'll ever get over it

Then I left a good friend because of a shitfaced weekend, but clearly the w/e was the tip of the iceberg. She grieved for years

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Dropped my mate of 16 years. He was my best man at my wedding and had travelled from Australia to be there, but his behaviour that week was deplorable and I haven't spoken to him since his return. He still sends me messages on my birthday and I still miss the friendship we had before he moved away."

Isn’t it worth revisiting and maybe discuss things and see if there can be some bridging if it’s been long enough? Am I crazy to make this suggestion?

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Do you think he has changed or realised what he did and continues to send messages as he'd like to make amends or start again?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My best friend made me chose bween them ever other friend made me chose them over family

Looked sweet and nice to the outside world behind closed doors would tell me I was ugly and that one one liked me and is she leaves no one will ever like me then she cheated

And I was at such a low place I was even willing to forgive and for get just so my best friend would come home she decided that she wasn’t going to come home and decided to leave me broken

Friends don't call each other ugly. I'm sorry you experienced that."

They shouldn’t and thanks

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By *tue555Man
over a year ago

Passed Beyond Reach

Never had any friends so never been dumped by any

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Gish.. Quite a lot actually!

When i left my husband, i abandoned all of my very close, very good friends.. I can't explain it, other than i just couldn't face them

We slowly got back into each others lives, but not in the same way

Another 'best' friend chose my ex

Then I left a good friend because of a shitfaced weekend, but clearly the w/e was the tip of the iceberg. She grieved for years "

Friendships are complex things, aren't they?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I remember, years ago, reading a quote: "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." Does anyone connect with this idea?

My godfather's eldest daughter and I are the same age and we used to be close growing up, but when we were teenagers our families drifted apart and we no longer saw each other. By pure chance, we reconnected a few weeks ago, yet it doesn't feel like we've ever been apart. On the other side of the coin, I've had close friendships with people for years that have either run their course, or I've been betrayed by them.

I can honestly say that I now only have two true friends...people I can truly depend on in the bad times as well as the good. And tbh, they are all I need!

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Never had any friends so never been dumped by any"

Did you ever have any that you have quietly dumped?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do you think he has changed or realised what he did and continues to send messages as he'd like to make amends or start again?

He was just out of order with some of the things he was saying to people thinking it was funny. Lowest point was when he was taking to a couple we hadn't seen in years and and said to the guy "it's good you're together, but I had her first" the guy already knew, but it was just plain insulting and degrading to be bringing it up. At that point I knew he had to go.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Gish.. Quite a lot actually!

When i left my husband, i abandoned all of my very close, very good friends.. I can't explain it, other than i just couldn't face them

We slowly got back into each others lives, but not in the same way

Another 'best' friend chose my ex

Then I left a good friend because of a shitfaced weekend, but clearly the w/e was the tip of the iceberg. She grieved for years

Friendships are complex things, aren't they?"

Very.. As a consequence i am now completely closed and self contained .. I only have superficial friendships now

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By *tue555Man
over a year ago

Passed Beyond Reach

"Never had any friends so never been dumped by any

Did you ever have any that you have quietly dumped?

Nope

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As someone that's just moved from NI to Scotland, I can confirm it's bloody hard to make friends in your 40s! I have no REAL friends right now but I live in hope.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I remember, years ago, reading a quote: "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." Does anyone connect with this idea?

I can honestly say that I now only have two true friends...people I can truly depend on in the bad times as well as the good. And tbh, they are all I need!

I think that is true. It is such a truism that I don't think it would have elicited the stories on this thread.

A friend of 15 years dumped me when I was ill with a newly diagnosed autoimmune issue. We were on holiday together and asked me to leave early saying that 'misery loves company but company doesn't like misery'. He remained part of my family's friendship group and so we didn't ever discuss that he and I were no longer friends as my illness could always be used as a reason for me not being at an event.

I can finally talk about it 15 years later as he has now alienated the family over another issue.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Do you think he has changed or realised what he did and continues to send messages as he'd like to make amends or start again?

Values are important in relationships, perhaps more so with friends than with those where we wear the lust/love goggles.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Gish.. Quite a lot actually!

When i left my husband, i abandoned all of my very close, very good friends.. I can't explain it, other than i just couldn't face them

We slowly got back into each others lives, but not in the same way

Another 'best' friend chose my ex

Then I left a good friend because of a shitfaced weekend, but clearly the w/e was the tip of the iceberg. She grieved for years

Friendships are complex things, aren't they?

Very.. As a consequence i am now completely closed and self contained .. I only have superficial friendships now

I hope you feel able to open up again at some point.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"As someone that's just moved from NI to Scotland, I can confirm it's bloody hard to make friends in your 40s! I have no REAL friends right now but I live in hope. "

Isn't it just! I am friendly with lots of people but have very few friends, and most of them live on the other side of the World.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I listened to some of that piece on WH this morning. It was interesting to hear from the woman who phoned in that her ex friend had given her a reason of sorts but that the dumped friend was still in the dark about the detail of what she'd done. I wish we could have heard from the woman who ended the friendship

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"As someone that's just moved from NI to Scotland, I can confirm it's bloody hard to make friends in your 40s! I have no REAL friends right now but I live in hope. "

Completely understand. We moved nearly six years ago and making new friends has been extremely difficult. We too live in hope

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By *iBBWLondonWoman
over a year ago

London

"I remember, years ago, reading a quote: "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." Does anyone connect with this idea?

I can honestly say that I now only have two true friends...people I can truly depend on in the bad times as well as the good. And tbh, they are all I need!

I think that is true. It is such a truism that I don't think it would have elicited the stories on this thread.

I can finally talk about it 15 years later as he has now alienated the family over another issue."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"As someone that's just moved from NI to Scotland, I can confirm it's bloody hard to make friends in your 40s! I have no REAL friends right now but I live in hope. "

Awww i am visiting Glasgow!! You could have joined me for dinner!

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By *ooroo2019Woman
over a year ago

Chester

"I remember, years ago, reading a quote: "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." Does anyone connect with this idea?"

Yes, this sums up my friendships really well. I think I have one friend who I will be friends with forever. We only manage to get together a few times a year these days, but we just pick up where we left off and it feels really equal.

Most of my other friendships are linked to work or through the children.

I have had a really close group of friends as my son had gone through primary, however as the kids have got older and changed friends our friendship has changed. As they hit secondary school, I expect out of the 7 of them, there is only one or two I’ll remain close friends with.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

I don’t really have that many close friends, maybe 2 if that. I’m rubbish at keeping in touch and so we all tend to just drift apart. My family life takes up so much of my mental energy I just don’t have energy in reserves to maintain things, and of course they have their own life going on so it just fizzles out with just Christmas Cards left with a little “we must catch up soon” on them out of politeness, but we never do. And the worst part is I don’t really miss them, I’m just relieved there is one less call on my time.

Probably sounds awful but that’s where I’m at.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I listened to some of that piece on WH this morning. It was interesting to hear from the woman who phoned in that her ex friend had given her a reason of sorts but that the dumped friend was still in the dark about the detail of what she'd done. I wish we could have heard from the woman who ended the friendship"

I wanted to hear the other side too. I could feel her pain at not remembering what she had said that was insensitive.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I wanted to hear the other side too. I could feel her pain at not remembering what she had said that was insensitive."

I could be wildly off the mark here but it sounded very much to me like the actions of someone who had been through some sort of counselling or rehab.

I think it very unkind to tell someone they've done something wrong but not what. Although it could be that the woman just didn't want to say

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I don’t really have that many close friends, maybe 2 if that. I’m rubbish at keeping in touch and so we all tend to just drift apart. My family life takes up so much of my mental energy I just don’t have energy in reserves to maintain things, and of course they have their own life going on so it just fizzles out with just Christmas Cards left with a little “we must catch up soon” on them out of politeness, but we never do. And the worst part is I don’t really miss them, I’m just relieved there is one less call on my time.

Probably sounds awful but that’s where I’m at.

That's honest and it sounds like you are prioritising what works for you now.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I wanted to hear the other side too. I could feel her pain at not remembering what she had said that was insensitive.

I could be wildly off the mark here but it sounded very much to me like the actions of someone who had been through some sort of counselling or rehab.

I think it very unkind to tell someone they've done something wrong but not what. Although it could be that the woman just didn't want to say "

Perhaps it's a form of punishment?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The only reason I've had to ditch friends was because they were doing too much drugs to the point that it effected their mental health in a very negative way. (There are 2 people i can think of that i was friends with like this.) I personally don't do any drugs, I don't even drink, however that won't stop me making friends with someone initially.

There's someone else I've been friends with for a long time that I'm drifting from because they are a chronic complainer/ranter. I don't mind a bit of cynicism but that kind of negativity isn't great when that tends to be all their output is.

I tend to lose friends more than most perhaps, but at the same time I make new friends more than most also, i find.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I became widowed I found the true meaning of friendship.

People I thought would be there for me, faded away.

Full of false promises on face book ‘we’ll look after her and the kids’ ‘we’ll make sure she’s not alone’

It’s all for show, to look good to other people.

I didn’t need looking after. I just needed to not be ignored, forgotten about.

I got fed up of trying to arrange meeting up, all one sided so I stopped.

My oldest friend just slipped away, said she didn’t know what to say to me, so ignored me at the worst time in my life.

I did meet some beautiful friends who had been through the same hell as me, and I’m so thankful

for that.

‘It is during the worst times in your life that you see the true colours of people who say they care for you’ - and that couldn’t be more true

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"The only reason I've had to ditch friends was because they were doing too much drugs to the point that it effected their mental health in a very negative way. (There are 2 people i can think of that i was friends with like this.) I personally don't do any drugs, I don't even drink, however that won't stop me making friends with someone initially.

I tend to lose friends more than most perhaps, but at the same time I make new friends more than most also, i find."

It sounds like you create space for healthier or more rewarding relationships. If it works for you then that is your way.

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By *yronMan
over a year ago

grangemouth

"As someone that's just moved from NI to Scotland, I can confirm it's bloody hard to make friends in your 40s! I have no REAL friends right now but I live in hope. "

If you're looking for someone to hang out with, I'm free

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"When I became widowed I found the true meaning of friendship.

People I thought would be there for me, faded away.

Full of false promises on face book ‘we’ll look after her and the kids’ ‘we’ll make sure she’s not alone’

It’s all for show, to look good to other people.

I didn’t need looking after. I just needed to not be ignored, forgotten about.

I got fed up of trying to arrange meeting up, all one sided so I stopped.

My oldest friend just slipped away, said she didn’t know what to say to me, so ignored me at the worst time in my life.

I did meet some beautiful friends who had been through the same hell as me, and I’m so thankful

for that.

‘It is during the worst times in your life that you see the true colours of people who say they care for you’ - and that couldn’t be more true "

Friendships are easy in the sunshine. They get tested in the dreary rain and in the big storms. Enjoy the friends you have now.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I wanted to hear the other side too. I could feel her pain at not remembering what she had said that was insensitive.

I could be wildly off the mark here but it sounded very much to me like the actions of someone who had been through some sort of counselling or rehab.

I think it very unkind to tell someone they've done something wrong but not what. Although it could be that the woman just didn't want to say

Perhaps it's a form of punishment?"

A particularly unkind one.

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By *yronMan
over a year ago

grangemouth

"Dont be. Hopefully most of us have made waayy better friends now xx"

Pretty much what happened to me: I've made better friends with people who actually do care about me.

That said, how I was treated still feels shite to me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a very close friend in my 20’s we had very close personalities and shared all the same interests. We meet through work and unlike some work friends after u no longer work together we were still very good friends always having time for meeting up and still sharing hobbies.

Years went by I got married he was my best man and eventually I had my first kid. He then soon after got married very quickly to a girl he had known only 4 months. They had the wedding in Italy and my first born not being that old we couldn’t make the wedding. Especially as They were not inviting people to the ceremony just the party after at 7pm! This we saw as a bit of a non child friendly event and just bought a nice gift and regrettably I told him it wasn’t possible for us. He understood and was fine about it, or so he said.

Soon after I stopped hearing from him he never had time to socialise and I felt like I was being snubbed by his family because we didn’t go to the wedding. So I gave up making an effort.

Recently he tried to call me as if nothing happened and everything was still cool….I said to him during the conversation so what happened then? His response was just got busy and having a relationship meant he spent more time with her. I told him I wasn’t in the market for a friend when it suits him and left it at that.

I still find it odd he tried to palm it off after years

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

What a truly moving thread! The one thing that gives hope is that people have survived the disappointment and betrayal.

I believe people come into your life for a season or a reason or both. I still have friends going back to primary school who lives more than 1000 miles away from me and when we meet it is like we were never apart. I also HAD friends who were a complete let down and turned out to have rather different ... let's say values.

Perhaps for me the most difficult ones were the ones where I did not get closure and the "why" question remained forever unanswered.

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By *hekaiserMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Yeah, close friend of mine decided to walk away. Really can't be bothered going into the details but I really hate her for acting like a child.

Rather she had an adult conversation that act like a petulant teenager.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"Yeah, close friend of mine decided to walk away. Really can't be bothered going into the details but I really hate her for acting like a child.

Rather she had an adult conversation that act like a petulant teenager. "

So you have no idea as to why? No closure?

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By *ittleMissCaliWoman
over a year ago

all loved up

[Removed by poster at 23/08/21 20:44:10]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Haven’t seen my older brother since 2007. He was my best mate. He cut off the entire family and went missing. We reported him as a missing person and the police tracked him down but he sent a message saying he was fine but not to pass his location onto us. I’ve missed him every day since then.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I had a very close friend in my 20’s we had very close personalities and shared all the same interests. We meet through work and unlike some work friends after u no longer work together we were still very good friends always having time for meeting up and still sharing hobbies.

Soon after I stopped hearing from him he never had time to socialise and I felt like I was being snubbed by his family because we didn’t go to the wedding. So I gave up making an effort.

I still find it odd he tried to palm it off after years "

Do you think he felt you thought he was less important when you married and had a child?

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By *iBBWLondonWoman
over a year ago

London

"Haven’t seen my older brother since 2007. He was my best mate. He cut off the entire family and went missing. We reported him as a missing person and the police tracked him down but he sent a message saying he was fine but not to pass his location onto us. I’ve missed him every day since then. "

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

My brother decided out of the blue to cut me off, not just me but our mum and sister as well. It is actually quite a horrible thing to do to people - fine if you want no more contact that is sad but not actually giving people a reason is actually rather selfish in my books. I feel most sorry for my mum in this.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

It's happened to me twice.....

A girl I went through junior school with, we were so close. She carried on her education whilst I started working and I would pay for her to come out with us as she was skint, I even took her away on a break to Belgium for her birthday. Situ flipped and I had no job. Ended up owing her £150, was pregnant and couldn't work as awful pregnancy and she held that measly £150 against me and hasn't spoken to me since! If I were to add up all I had paid for with her it would be ten times that at least!!

Second time was a couple years ago closest friend in the world - loved her then, love her now. She moved away and we still talked pretty much daily then there was a quiet period of a few weeks with lesser contact, did happen on occasion as presumably both just busy but usually made no impact on anything else..... But this time she kinda ghosted me. Stopped replying to anything and still won't - no idea why and it upsets me to this day

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"What a truly moving thread! The one thing that gives hope is that people have survived the disappointment and betrayal.

Perhaps for me the most difficult ones were the ones where I did not get closure and the "why" question remained forever unanswered.

It has been a moving thread, and the private messages too.

We all like a bit of closure.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope he has found what he needs.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

Ouch that's awful

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some heart breaking stories here.

The only think I'd add is that people who suddenly cut themselves off may equally want to reconnect one day. If you'd like that then it's worth making sure they have up to date contact details at least.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"Some heart breaking stories here.

I also messaged my brother to say that I accept his decision and will always be his sister regardless and if he or his partner are in any difficulties, not to worry about the past but to get in touch.

No more really you can do.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"It's happened to me twice.....

Write her a letter then burn it. I hope it helps to get it all off your chest.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In my mid-late 30's, I came out by email to a friend I'd known since I was 11

He replied saying 'I guess this is my Sex & The City moment then'

That was the last communication we had. Not heard off nor seen him since.

He took it worse than my Mrs

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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

I have never had a close friend other than Mrs.

My childhood was one of living in various countries around the world and although I had friends whilst in those locations when we moved on I never kept in contact with them. That continues to this day in that when I change jobs etc I never keep in contact with work colleagues.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Some heart breaking stories here.

No more really you can do. "

Thanks, and no there isn't. You are a good sister and a good friend x

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Some heart breaking stories here.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"In my mid-late 30's, I came out by email to a friend I'd known since I was 11

He replied saying 'I guess this is my Sex & The City moment then'

That was the last communication we had. Not heard off nor seen him since.

He took it worse than my Mrs "

Do you think he felt betrayed or that you had been lying to him since you were eleven?

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I have never had a close friend other than Mrs.

Do feel you are missing something? If not, I don't see a problem.

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By *iss LovelyWoman
over a year ago

Here and There

I’ve been in both situations semi recently.

I’ve parted ways with my oldest friend this year. We’ve been friends since we were children and were more like sisters really. As I got older I realised it was quite one sided. Always me that spends hours comforting her after a breakup, but when I need her she ‘doesn’t know what to say’ so doesn’t bother. When her mum died we all rallied round her and I’d drive over to her house after work each night. When my Mum died she was always too busy to check on me. I realised being friends with her was making me miserable, so I stopped.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"In my mid-late 30's, I came out by email to a friend I'd known since I was 11

He replied saying 'I guess this is my Sex & The City moment then'

That was the last communication we had. Not heard off nor seen him since.

He took it worse than my Mrs

Do you think he felt betrayed or that you had been lying to him since you were eleven?"

Well, I hadn't because, save for some teen fumbles (not with him), the liking of blokes was as much as an epiphany for me as anyone else

On a positive note, he was the only friend that wasn't supportive

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"I’ve been in both situations semi recently.

I had another friend cut me off out of the blue when I started seeing a guy again that she didn’t think I should. Cut me off without a word, unfriended me on socials etc. I never tried to reach out because I felt like I deserved better than the way she left it. "
You do deserve better than that - and it would not have been asking much for her to just say she wanted a break?

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I’ve been in both situations semi recently.

It sounds like there wasn't a balance in the friendships scales.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"In my mid-late 30's, I came out by email to a friend I'd known since I was 11

He replied saying 'I guess this is my Sex & The City moment then'

That was the last communication we had. Not heard off nor seen him since.

He took it worse than my Mrs

Do you think he felt betrayed or that you had been lying to him since you were eleven?

Well, I hadn't because, save for some teen fumbles (not with him), the liking of blokes was as much as an epiphany for me as anyone else

On a positive note, he was the only friend that wasn't supportive "

I wonder if there was some unrequited desire there?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lost a lot of friends due to devoce.

She did the dirty on on me but I think it made people feel awkward or something.

A hand full of people helped me out gave me a place to stay when things got bad. Now life is good I'm indebted to them and won't forget who was there when I was really low..

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By *heekyflickWoman
over a year ago

LINCOLN

"As someone that's just moved from NI to Scotland, I can confirm it's bloody hard to make friends in your 40s! I have no REAL friends right now but I live in hope.

Isn't it just! I am friendly with lots of people but have very few friends, and most of them live on the other side of the World."

Exactly this...I am a friend to anyone but they turn out to be just aquaintences to me...I've put myself out there trying to make new female friends but they are either suspicious of me or just plain not interested...

I have a group of good people I like to call friends but not close like I'd like..i tend to keep alot to myself out of habit now

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Lost a lot of friends due to devoce.

She did the dirty on on me but I think it made people feel awkward or something.

A hand full of people helped me out gave me a place to stay when things got bad. Now life is good I'm indebted to them and won't forget who was there when I was really low.. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"In my mid-late 30's, I came out by email to a friend I'd known since I was 11

He replied saying 'I guess this is my Sex & The City moment then'

That was the last communication we had. Not heard off nor seen him since.

He took it worse than my Mrs

Do you think he felt betrayed or that you had been lying to him since you were eleven?

Well, I hadn't because, save for some teen fumbles (not with him), the liking of blokes was as much as an epiphany for me as anyone else

On a positive note, he was the only friend that wasn't supportive

I wonder if there was some unrequited desire there?"

I never got the vibe

A guy I went to Uni with though... another different story

Later in life I had to attend a business meeting with him and (by then) ex Mrs - one of those flukes of being educated in the same field

As soon as we got back to the car, she said 'Did something go on between you two at Uni?'

I said no, why?

She said 'all those people in that room and he never took his fkin eyes off you the whole time'

(he is married with kids and, yes, it is still unrequited)

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By *iBBWLondonWoman
over a year ago

London

"In my mid-late 30's, I came out by email to a friend I'd known since I was 11

He replied saying 'I guess this is my Sex & The City moment then'

That was the last communication we had. Not heard off nor seen him since.

He took it worse than my Mrs

Do you think he felt betrayed or that you had been lying to him since you were eleven?

Well, I hadn't because, save for some teen fumbles (not with him), the liking of blokes was as much as an epiphany for me as anyone else

On a positive note, he was the only friend that wasn't supportive

I wonder if there was some unrequited desire there?"

My thought also when I read it - 4 months is pretty fast

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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

"I have never had a close friend other than Mrs.

Do feel you are missing something? If not, I don't see a problem."

In all honesty not really there are moments when I envy my wife and her friends she still has from childhood but my behaviour is all I have ever know. My mother says that when I was three or four I was close to another child and when we moved I cried and said I would never make friends with people ever again

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"As someone that's just moved from NI to Scotland, I can confirm it's bloody hard to make friends in your 40s! I have no REAL friends right now but I live in hope.

Isn't it just! I am friendly with lots of people but have very few friends, and most of them live on the other side of the World.

I have a group of good people I like to call friends but not close like I'd like..i tend to keep alot to myself out of habit now"

I am the only single woman in our regular, close friendship circle. I watch my behaviour to ensure I am not thought of with suspicion.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

"It's happened to me twice.....

Write her a letter then burn it. I hope it helps to get it all off your chest."

That isn't a bad plan..... However knowing me I'd end up posting it to be hurt yet again at lack of reply

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"In my mid-late 30's, I came out by email to a friend I'd known since I was 11

He replied saying 'I guess this is my Sex & The City moment then'

That was the last communication we had. Not heard off nor seen him since.

He took it worse than my Mrs

Do you think he felt betrayed or that you had been lying to him since you were eleven?

Well, I hadn't because, save for some teen fumbles (not with him), the liking of blokes was as much as an epiphany for me as anyone else

On a positive note, he was the only friend that wasn't supportive

I wonder if there was some unrequited desire there?

I never got the vibe

A guy I went to Uni with though... another different story

Later in life I had to attend a business meeting with him and (by then) ex Mrs - one of those flukes of being educated in the same field

As soon as we got back to the car, she said 'Did something go on between you two at Uni?'

I said no, why?

She said 'all those people in that room and he never took his fkin eyes off you the whole time'

(he is married with kids and, yes, it is still unrequited)

It's a little flattering to know there is an unrequited out there, isn't it?

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I have never had a close friend other than Mrs.

Do feel you are missing something? If not, I don't see a problem.

And you really meant it. It must have hurt you a lot.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"It's happened to me twice.....

Write her a letter then burn it. I hope it helps to get it all off your chest.

That isn't a bad plan..... However knowing me I'd end up posting it to be hurt yet again at lack of reply

Write to me as PM then delete your sent messages. DO NOT POST THE LETTER.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Soon after I stopped hearing from him he never had time to socialise and I felt like I was being snubbed by his family because we didn’t go to the wedding. So I gave up making an effort.

I still find it odd he tried to palm it off after years

Do you think he felt you thought he was less important when you married and had a child? "

Even after I got married had my daughter we still had a normal friendship and I made time to do things together he was part of my family he came to my home all the time when I had a child. But it literally stopped after his wedding

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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

"I have never had a close friend other than Mrs.

Do feel you are missing something? If not, I don't see a problem.

And you really meant it. It must have hurt you a lot."

Appears so but my wife says is always impressed by the compartmentalisation why I live my life. Then in the next sentence she will tell me I am damaged goods

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

Sometimes you just outgrow people,, if they are doing the exact same things and the same moaning about work, relationships etc they were 5-10 years ago, it’s harsh but they will drain you

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By *yronMan
over a year ago

grangemouth

My brother cut me off in my teens. I was not the kind of person that his friends wanted hanging around, so I was out. Since then, we've rarely spoken and I was only grudgingly invited to his wedding.

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By *dam1971Man
over a year ago

Bedford

I’ve had this, it hurt way more than I thought possible. Grieving afterwards was horrible and I still miss that friendship even now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve lost a few along the way, having seriously ill children and not having the freedom that many families seem to enjoy I was always like an outsider. As life carried on for them, unfortunately I was caught in the life and death struggle my sons were in.

My friends couldn’t understand what I was going through, and the gap between their children going to school and mine being in and out of hospital intensified the difference in our lives.

I don’t blame them, it’s something unless you live it you don’t get it. Just leaves me very alone at times when I could really do with friends x

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"I’ve lost a few along the way, having seriously ill children and not having the freedom that many families seem to enjoy I was always like an outsider. As life carried on for them, unfortunately I was caught in the life and death struggle my sons were in.

My friends couldn’t understand what I was going through, and the gap between their children going to school and mine being in and out of hospital intensified the difference in our lives.

I don’t blame them, it’s something unless you live it you don’t get it. Just leaves me very alone at times when I could really do with friends x "

I am sorry to read this - I am getting that sense of isolation and of course, your boys needed to come first. xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 23/08/21 21:50:46]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have and have had a few really close friends through my life. I have one I consider to be like a brother. We have been friends since before high school - well over 30 years.

A couple of years ago his brother died of a long battle with alcoholism. He needed us all. I was there which him when we broke into his brothers house to find him. Harrowing.

On the day of the funeral. Our other best mate - I went to art college with, uni with and my best mate and I were groomsmen for messaged on the morning of the funeral and made an excuse of having to go to London last minute for work and didn’t come. Nothing more. No call. No nothing.

Now I know some people can’t do funerals. I know it’s tough to see so many people our age laying someone that young to rest but he should have been there. My other mate needed him. Needed us all.

I am polite when I see him. But we are friends no more.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My friends couldn’t understand what I was going through, and the gap between their children going to school and mine being in and out of hospital intensified the difference in our lives.

I don’t blame them, it’s something unless you live it you don’t get it. Just leaves me very alone at times when I could really do with friends x

I am sorry to read this - I am getting that sense of isolation and of course, your boys needed to come first. xx"

Thank you. X

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By *iddle ManMan
over a year ago

Walsall

I might be missing the point here, but surely if these people are so cruel to make a point to 'dump' you then you are well rid of them.

Friends come and go in life but I like to think if they were true friends then they wouldn't treat you this way.

I totally get it must be horrible especially if it's out of the blue.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have acquaintance and work colleagues, that's it.

I've never felt the need to surround myself with lots of people, especially since leaving education. I'm just not that kind of person.

Easy come, easy go really

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't have friends any more. I had a bad bout of depression a few years ago and dropped off the social radar. Nobody noticed. I keep people at arms length now because it hurt me so, so deeply. I may be disposable, but that works both ways.

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By *ust RachelTV/TS
over a year ago

Horsham

Recently dumped a long time friend of 49 years. I have no feeling one way or another on the matter.

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Wakefield

I had a little falling out recently with a very old friend. In the interests of friendship I messaged her after a couple of weeks. Everything’s cool again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"In all honesty not really there are moments when I envy my wife and her friends she still has from childhood but my behaviour is all I have ever know. My mother says that when I was three or four I was close to another child and when we moved I cried and said I would never make friends with people ever again"

There are so many sad stories in this thread, but this one made me cry.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hugs to everyone.

I had to lose a few friends these last 20 months. It was never over only one incident, there was always a catalogue of them leading up to it. These included being used, ignoring me and being downright rude to me in my own home when they came to stay, ghosting me then coming back as if nothing had happened, manipulation, narcissism, borrowing money and having no plans to return it even when asked (same as theft in my eyes). The list goes on.

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By *hekaiserMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

"Yeah, close friend of mine decided to walk away. Really can't be bothered going into the details but I really hate her for acting like a child.

Rather she had an adult conversation that act like a petulant teenager.

So you have no idea as to why? No closure? "

No, just some cock and bull story about needing head space and that her workplace was hectic....all the whole updating Facebook with her party antics at the weekend and during the week.

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By *eadseekerMan
over a year ago

worcester

All friends are to me are people with a common interest. I've got work friends, going out friends, staying in friends, people's interests change and their friend lists change with them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yeah, close friend of mine decided to walk away. Really can't be bothered going into the details but I really hate her for acting like a child.

Rather she had an adult conversation that act like a petulant teenager.

So you have no idea as to why? No closure?

No, just some cock and bull story about needing head space and that her workplace was hectic....all the whole updating Facebook with her party antics at the weekend and during the week."

You didn't need to explain why. People need to learn not to want to know the whys and wherefores of things. Especially after you'd said you didn't want to get into the details.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2020 was shit for pretty much everyone.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

I have only been through this with two friends.

One unforgivably gave an abusive ex my contact details when he was in prison.

The other told me she didn't have the headspace to keep in touch when my dad was dying (fair enough, it was a grim time and I needed support that not everyone is able to give), but then the day before the funeral wanted me to mediate in a row she was having with her sister over who would be godparent to her sister's baby. When I asked if the conversation could be postponed a few days I was told I was selfish and a bad friend. I was selfish, I really needed to be at that point.

When the funeral was done I sent her a pretty calm message to say I agreed I wasn't the sort of friend she needed, but that I thought the friendship had run its course and I wished her well. She read it but never responded so I assume she agreed.

I have few real friends so I do grieve their loss but sometimes the relationship is irreparably damaged and there's just no way back.

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By *uietly_KinkyMan
over a year ago

High Wycombe

"I don't have friends any more. I had a bad bout of depression a few years ago and dropped off the social radar. Nobody noticed. I keep people at arms length now because it hurt me so, so deeply. I may be disposable, but that works both ways. "

Now that strikes a chord.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some sad stories on this thread.

I feel like I'm the most unluckiest guy in terms of friendships.

My best friend from my teens, going to gigs, festivals etc followed me a year after I joined the military. Although not stationed together we always caught up at bases and home when ever possible. Sadly he died during his service.

My other great friend was from aged 18 onwards he was 15 years older but we just got each other on an interlectual level. He was the big brother I never had (I'm the eldest of 3) he taught me so much in life and we travelled all over the world together. Sadly he died of Cancer ten years ago.

After this I became great at work "friends" until you changed job and didn't see them again, mostly my fault for not letting people in.

Then in 2016 I met another very good friend through work, he was a traveller and had an amazing head on his shoulders. This time I was the surrogate older brother. We just got each other and always made time to hand out where possible. He lost his young life to covid in April 2020.

Finally I have 1 other friend, who is my friend (not one of my wifes friends who are now my friends as well). Again a few years younger so I'm the older head but a great guy. Even though he was struggling at the time he made a huge effort to come to my wedding support me. Anyway in July he collapses with the latest terrible nose bleed (sheets soaked) and his mum dragged him to A and E (don't get me started on the fact that his GP has failed to see him and fobbed him off for the 6 months leading up to this). Turns out he has a one in a million cancer stage 4 the tumors are behind his eyes causing blindness in one and putting pressure on the brain. The last 3 months has been chemo and now he has been taken to Manchester for photontherapy and will be an in patient for at least 3 months. I'm doing what I can talking daily but he's been so poorly from the cancer and chemo and high risk of covid I haven't been able to see him properly. I'm hoping he recovers to the point where I can get him in the car and out in to the country for the day.

Any way my grammar will be shite, with tons of typos as the post has just poured out and I don't want to reread it tbh.

I feel like I'm cursed sometimes with friendships its meant that I am incredibly guarded about letting any new people in. Thankfully Ks friends understood this and went at my pace. It took a few years but I count those joint friends as friends now.

Jay KJ.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This thread is making me real sad x

I'm sorry. I thought it was a relatable discussion that we don't often have.

No need to be sorry. It is very sad but if we don't remind ourselves what makes us feel this way, we can't build ourselves back up to be stronger people

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

Best friend dropped me like a hot brick for a fella... They're still together and she's best buddies with all of his mates girlfriends now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Reading these makes me feel guilty for being jealous for those that have had these close friendships in the first place. For that I apologise.

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By *iBBWLondonWoman
over a year ago

London

Some sad stories on this thread.

I feel like I'm the most unluckiest guy in terms of friendships.

After this I became great at work "friends" until you changed job and didn't see them again, mostly my fault for not letting people in.

Any way my grammar will be shite, with tons of typos as the post has just poured out and I don't want to reread it tbh.

Jay KJ. "

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By *rNaughtyNickMan
over a year ago

Birmingham

Shame when you loose friends especially after many years of being close.

Guess people either drift apart, move on or take new different direction.

Shame people are either too busy to make time for each other.

Everything for a reason x

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Some sad stories on this thread.

I feel like I'm the most unluckiest guy in terms of friendships.

After this I became great at work "friends" until you changed job and didn't see them again, mostly my fault for not letting people in.

Any way my grammar will be shite, with tons of typos as the post has just poured out and I don't want to reread it tbh.

Jay KJ. "

So many losses, so much sadness - you must have some real inner strength

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I was thinking about this thread last night. In the last five years I've been dumped by two friends. Both just simply stopped responding to my messages. One I'd known for about 15 years, the other about 10. As the common denominator o can only assume that something about me changed their opinion of me. I'll never know...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some sad stories on this thread.

I feel like I'm the most unluckiest guy in terms of friendships.

After this I became great at work "friends" until you changed job and didn't see them again, mostly my fault for not letting people in.

Any way my grammar will be shite, with tons of typos as the post has just poured out and I don't want to reread it tbh.

Jay KJ. "

I really feel for you. It must seem like you lose all your best friends. But - you could look at this another way and say how wonderful that all those people had you as a friend in their lives, even if it wasn’t for as long as you wished it could have been.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I was thinking about this thread last night. In the last five years I've been dumped by two friends. Both just simply stopped responding to my messages. One I'd known for about 15 years, the other about 10. As the common denominator o can only assume that something about me changed their opinion of me. I'll never know..."

Not necessarily, could just be a coincidence.

Sometimes people have their own stuff going on and they don't feel like they can be a friend anymore.

People often find it difficult to reject someone- it's far easier to just ghost.

Often this is true but it's rarely believed - "It's not you... it's me...."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some sad stories on this thread.

I feel like I'm the most unluckiest guy in terms of friendships.

After this I became great at work "friends" until you changed job and didn't see them again, mostly my fault for not letting people in.

Any way my grammar will be shite, with tons of typos as the post has just poured out and I don't want to reread it tbh.

Jay KJ.

Thank you and everyone else for the kind comments they mean a lot.

Your right I am most certainly blessed to have had these friends in my life. None were old when they passed in fact 2 were in thier 20s. My mate with cancer currently is 28. It really re-enforces my belief that we only have this one life for sure and it can end at anytime, its for that reason and also the pandemic that I and K are determined to enjoy everything swinging has to offer and we will try anything once, more if we like it!

I just wish I could be a little less guarded about letting people in.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Sometimes, what (quite rightly) feels like being "dumped" may not be that by the other party's intention. They may have moved on to a different set of circumstances/ values/ people/ environments and by not staying in contact use the easy option of not having to justify their behaviour. So while it may feel really personal (and hurtful) to you, that sense of having mistreated you may not even have been on their radar.

Not making excuses for the behaviour, just trying to explain it.

Either way, it sucks not having had any closure because it can leave the loyal person to wonder what the hell they might have done to deserve this. Not fair.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Some sad stories on this thread.

I feel like I'm the most unluckiest guy in terms of friendships.

After this I became great at work "friends" until you changed job and didn't see them again, mostly my fault for not letting people in.

Any way my grammar will be shite, with tons of typos as the post has just poured out and I don't want to reread it tbh.

Jay KJ.

Thank you and everyone else for the kind comments they mean a lot.

I just wish I could be a little less guarded about letting people in.

KJ"

Just on that last note: The most natural response to so many losses is to protect yourself and just "not go there again" - I get it!

I would say though that by not taking the plunge, by not allowing people to get close again we miss out on so much in life, friendship, intimacy, love, loyalty, sense of belonging and shared joys and pain.

You may eventually feel that it is worth taking the risk again - I hope so.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Not necessarily, could just be a coincidence.

Sometimes people have their own stuff going on and they don't feel like they can be a friend anymore.

People often find it difficult to reject someone- it's far easier to just ghost.

Often this is true but it's rarely believed - "It's not you... it's me....""

Yes that could be but in a not feeling sorry for myself and grown up sort of way I have to accept that it *could* be me.

One friend moved away telling me how important it was to stay in touch

The other went through a very hard time emotionally so possibly did feel she had no room in her life for certain friends.

Thank you

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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago

Cardiff

My only real close friend dropped me over an argument, our first in 12 years, because I had bought a new car and she disagreed with spending the money. I tried reaching out but something must have broken beyond repair. It is still baffling.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Not making excuses for the behaviour, just trying to explain it.

Either way, it sucks not having had any closure because it can leave the loyal person to wonder what the hell they might have done to deserve this. Not fair."

No, it isn't fair I agree. I don't lose sleep over it but I do sometimes wonder

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"As someone that's just moved from NI to Scotland, I can confirm it's bloody hard to make friends in your 40s! I have no REAL friends right now but I live in hope. "

This is how it started for me, I moved away because of my ex's job 10years ago and in that 10 year period, out of my "friends" only 2 have visited and then only twice. When it started to get bad for me, just after my eldest was born almost 7 years ago, I'd visit them and say how lonely I was, how hard it was being a stay at home dad, having a partner who works 12hrs shifts with no regular pattern. This meant I couldn't/can't join any group with regular weekly meetings, or even an evening class. Nothing, they did nothing.

Anyway, I'm now at the point of "what do I do about them"? I can't be arsed with the constant being let down or not even thought of, feeling. I used to be the first to say I'll give you a hand, moving house or fixing something in their or even their parents houses etc, not anymore. But that just makes me feel like a shitty mate, helping is what I do, or try to at least.

I think I'm putting off the inevitable, because at the moment I can at least pretend to myself that I have friends, even if they're pretty crap ones.

If it wasn't for my boys, well, I'd rather not think about it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I had a best friend of ten years, who just stopped talking to me one day, still don’t know why, and she didn’t even contact me when my dad died, which really hurt.

It took a long time to get over it.

To those it’s happened to, it’s ok to grieve over it.

The 'expert' on Woman's Hour said that women usually don't give a reason and just stop, leaving it ambiguous but clearly no longer a friendship."

This is true.

I got a message from a close friend one day just saying please call or message in future not to just drop in. I was shocked but refused to ask why, probably pride, I guess. Still dont know.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I had a best friend of ten years, who just stopped talking to me one day, still don’t know why, and she didn’t even contact me when my dad died, which really hurt.

It took a long time to get over it.

To those it’s happened to, it’s ok to grieve over it.

The 'expert' on Woman's Hour said that women usually don't give a reason and just stop, leaving it ambiguous but clearly no longer a friendship.

This is true.

I got a message from a close friend one day just saying please call or message in future not to just drop in. I was shocked but refused to ask why, probably pride, I guess. Still dont know.

Were you used to dropping in on each other without warning? I wonder what changed. I don't tend to ask why either, it's daft really because it could open up a dialogue and change things

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I will open this up from another angle

I am one of those friends who don't stay in touch as often as I should

I have a friend who now lives in The States. The last time I saw him was 2010. I will never see him again. That trip in 2010 affirmed I actually don't like him that much.

We keep in touch via FB and an annual skype call

If he had family & friends, chances are I would have told him I don't value his friendship any more

However, I keep in touch, mainly out of pity for his situation

He has said he will never come back to the UK, but would love to host over there

Thankfully, I have an ocean between us and an anxiety driven claustrophobia that means I can no longer travel for longer than a couple of hours on a plane

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I think some relationships have an end date and people just grow apart. I do wonder if friendships sometimes keep going from a misplaced sense of loyalty

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

I don't like the phrase "out of sight out of mind". I've got close as friends to people at various work places. When they leave, probably see or hear from them once then nothing despite my efforts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Even as a chid I never had many friends.. somewhat an oddity even then i was a bit of a drifter. That said I’ve two friends from my school days that i regularly have contact with. I have a very small circle of friends i will do anything for when they needs me. I’m not great at keeping in touch but it seems times doesn’t matter.. when we need or want to chat these are my people. I have no expectations on them however. From a young age i learnt as many do that to have expectations on people is to be let down. AND so its very rare i would ask them for anything.. they do offer and occasionally I accept.

As for walking away from friends i have a few for various reasons.. generally because it was the right decision for me in the long run or they have outright lied about something….. I have always spoken with them in regards to this before hand.. if nothing else they deserve an explanation.. and i the respect to walk away as with any relationship. Occasionally our paths cross and the loss of one is still heavy. But we have to act in our own best interest.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't really have friends. Never have.

Sometimes when I read threads like this, I am kind of glad about that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Soon after I stopped hearing from him he never had time to socialise and I felt like I was being snubbed by his family because we didn’t go to the wedding. So I gave up making an effort.

I still find it odd he tried to palm it off after years "

It's sad how common this type of thing is. So many people find a partner and then fuck off their closest friends. And then half of the time they come back trying to worm their way in like nothing happened.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I became a mum I lost my closest friend. She wasn't very understanding about how precious my time was, especially in the early stages. And she had no interest in babies at all and couldn't understand why I couldn't just do things last minute. We still keep in touch and meet every once in a while but our friendship isn't what it was.

I lost my best friend when I was around 20 as she split up with her partner and completely changed and we were nothing alike. I was gutted but we are back in touch now, although like my other friend above ^ it's nowhere near the same.

I'm hoping I'll meet someone else eventually that I really click with. But I'm not too upset about it as I'm quite content with how things are.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"I think some relationships have an end date and people just grow apart. I do wonder if friendships sometimes keep going from a misplaced sense of loyalty"

ACtually this made me think that perhaps we do have a sense of loyalty that we never question because ...well it has always been like this with this person, perhaps since school days, perhaps because we used to work together in a difficult work place scenario...whatever.

Maybe we should think about whether that person is still the same, whether we are still the same and then if things do not click anymore, acknowledge that.

My issue is not that relationships end even though that is usually sad for one person in particular. My issue is the ghosting I think. This leaving the other to guess why without the chance of understanding.

I ended a couple of long-term friendships (10 years plus) when I felt they were only reacting when I made an effort and even then the effort was lack lustre. I did not just stop messaging or become huffy (hate huffy behaviour in others so I try not to do that myself).

I messaged them and said I felt we no longer shared the same interest in each other and that the commitment felt a bit one sided and if this was a misinterpretation on my part to get in touch. I gave them a few days to respond but the responses were just as half-hearted. So I deleted and blocked them.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I think some relationships have an end date and people just grow apart. I do wonder if friendships sometimes keep going from a misplaced sense of loyalty

Maybe we should think about whether that person is still the same, whether we are still the same and then if things do not click anymore, acknowledge that.

That was the adult thing to do

What prompted me to think about loyalty was when our daughter started dating. She would date guys long after it was obvious that it was going nowhere, from a sense of loyalty.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I'm sorry I signed off and didn't see posts to respond to last night and today.

THANK YOU all for your posts. They have been raw and heartfelt and very generous. Thanks to Aphrodite and NiceCouple for responding and keeping the support going.

Apart from a very few, we've all been on both sides. Whenever we are left wondering what we did to get dumped we might think about why we dumped someone.

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