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I WILL NOT be defined by….

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My brother said to me once ‘what other people think of you isn't your business’. It took me a while to process this and understand. In many cases its true, what other people think of me isn’t my business its a waste of time worrying about if for the majority.

But what about times when people use what they think of you to define a ‘pigeon hole’ for you. Example people who think because you're on the heavier side, means you eat kilos of cake, and they're always trying to buy you salads. Or if you have a disability, people think you're somehow not capable of leading a full and fruitful life and endeavour to molly coddle you.

How do you fight back? Should you fight back? If you respond are you accepting that a person thinks a certain thing about you? Surely (within reason) how you choose to define yourself should be respected and accepted when going against stereotypes. I hope this OP makes sense. I hate being pigeonholed

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By *AYENCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

I think your brother was absolutely spot on. And if someone wants to try to stereotype or pigeon hole me, their welcome to - it's really not my concern.

K

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By *drian HardthrobMan
over a year ago

Worcester

You can easily change their perception of you it just takes time. To be honest, I wouldn't even bother... People with narrow minds always tend to underestimate, use this to your advantage

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

I have never had someone try to feed my salad!!

I can't control other people so i focus what i can control which is my reaction.

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By *ncemoreroundthesunCouple
over a year ago

A town and place not in the UK

Your brother is a wiseman. We'd add people who do judge you immediately or by shallow measures are doing you a favour, so you don't waste your precious time on them.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

On another site I did have one guy who seemed to be obsessed with my diet in an attempt to "help" me.

He got very short shrift.

If someone wants to judge me or pigeonhole me then that's up to them. It doesn't define me in *my* mind but if it defines me in theirs I'm not going to spend my precious time fighting against it.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"My brother said to me once ‘what other people think of you isn't your business’. It took me a while to process this and understand. In many cases its true, what other people think of me isn’t my business its a waste of time worrying about if for the majority.

But what about times when people use what they think of you to define a ‘pigeon hole’ for you. Example people who think because you're on the heavier side, means you eat kilos of cake, and they're always trying to buy you salads. Or if you have a disability, people think you're somehow not capable of leading a full and fruitful life and endeavour to molly coddle you.

How do you fight back? Should you fight back? If you respond are you accepting that a person thinks a certain thing about you? Surely (within reason) how you choose to define yourself should be respected and accepted when going against stereotypes. I hope this OP makes sense. I hate being pigeonholed "

Brilliant post, OP - and this is close to my heart as I detest being pigeon-holed.

I think fighting back requires energy we should not waste on people who cannot/ will not hear.

I think accepting it without responding is too passive for my liking.

I think stating assertively what you want to happen or not happen is the answer, e.g.

" I am uncomfortable/ unhappy being told what you believe I to eat/ wear/do etc. and I would like you to stop making even well-intended suggestions as they are not helpful. Thank you for your concern".

If necessary repeat parrot-fashioned.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your brother shared some wise words there.

Many on here assume as a married man playing alone I must be a cheating bastard; never met me, never met my wife, no idea of our marriage, our agreement to play separately or the reasons why we do….but no, with zero relevant information they have established it as fact.

Some of the opinionated shit I’ve read on profiles to this effect would be unbelievable had I not seen it.

But the last thing anyone wants to change is their mind, so there’s no point in trying.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm quiet, therefore I must be shy.

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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago

Stirling

Judgment usually comes from a place of anger, hurt or being wronged people with judgmental approaches tend to reflect these feelings onto another based solely on there idealistic perceptions of how a person should behave/live/look or what not.

It is often a reflection of something within the judgmental person themselves which they haven’t addressed or even recognised.

Personally I find judgment a by product of the closed minded and have little time for people of this nature, I simply ignore, it’s not worth the energy of a reaction or my time xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

People have ways made assumptions about me. The vast majority way off. I used to feel that I have to prove myself or justify and explain..

A few years ago this changed. A few things happened and I stopped giving a damn what others thought. Their perceptions do not define me.

This is the ultimate freedom being true to mum self and not trying to prove or justify to someone else. I am me.

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By *uenevereWoman
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

I have always been happy being me.

Unless, their negative view of me is likely to impact on me, I really don't care what others think.

I'm sure there's plenty who think that I should have natural coloured hair... I mean at my age!

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By *lbinoGorillaMan
over a year ago

Redditch

I'm a contrary old sod at the best of times, and will often do something deliberately out of character precisely to confound people and avoid being stereotyped

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"Judgment usually comes from a place of anger, hurt or being wronged people with judgmental approaches tend to reflect these feelings onto another based solely on there idealistic perceptions of how a person should behave/live/look or what not.

It is often a reflection of something within the judgmental person themselves which they haven’t addressed or even recognised.

Personally I find judgment a by product of the closed minded and have little time for people of this nature, I simply ignore, it’s not worth the energy of a reaction or my time xx"

Spot on about the deficiency in the person who is expressing the judgment! And sadly they cannot see it, if they could they would reflect more before speaking out, I am sure.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My brother said to me once ‘what other people think of you isn't your business’. It took me a while to process this and understand. In many cases its true, what other people think of me isn’t my business its a waste of time worrying about if for the majority.

But what about times when people use what they think of you to define a ‘pigeon hole’ for you. Example people who think because you're on the heavier side, means you eat kilos of cake, and they're always trying to buy you salads. Or if you have a disability, people think you're somehow not capable of leading a full and fruitful life and endeavour to molly coddle you.

How do you fight back? Should you fight back? If you respond are you accepting that a person thinks a certain thing about you? Surely (within reason) how you choose to define yourself should be respected and accepted when going against stereotypes. I hope this OP makes sense. I hate being pigeonholed

Brilliant post, OP - and this is close to my heart as I detest being pigeon-holed.

I think fighting back requires energy we should not waste on people who cannot/ will not hear.

I think accepting it without responding is too passive for my liking.

I think stating assertively what you want to happen or not happen is the answer, e.g.

" I am uncomfortable/ unhappy being told what you believe I to eat/ wear/do etc. and I would like you to stop making even well-intended suggestions as they are not helpful. Thank you for your concern".

If necessary repeat parrot-fashioned."

Why would you thank them for their concern? Wouldn't that be passive aggressive

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"My brother said to me once ‘what other people think of you isn't your business’. It took me a while to process this and understand. In many cases its true, what other people think of me isn’t my business its a waste of time worrying about if for the majority.

But what about times when people use what they think of you to define a ‘pigeon hole’ for you. Example people who think because you're on the heavier side, means you eat kilos of cake, and they're always trying to buy you salads. Or if you have a disability, people think you're somehow not capable of leading a full and fruitful life and endeavour to molly coddle you.

How do you fight back? Should you fight back? If you respond are you accepting that a person thinks a certain thing about you? Surely (within reason) how you choose to define yourself should be respected and accepted when going against stereotypes. I hope this OP makes sense. I hate being pigeonholed

Brilliant post, OP - and this is close to my heart as I detest being pigeon-holed.

I think fighting back requires energy we should not waste on people who cannot/ will not hear.

I think accepting it without responding is too passive for my liking.

I think stating assertively what you want to happen or not happen is the answer, e.g.

" I am uncomfortable/ unhappy being told what you believe I to eat/ wear/do etc. and I would like you to stop making even well-intended suggestions as they are not helpful. Thank you for your concern".

If necessary repeat parrot-fashioned.

Why would you thank them for their concern? Wouldn't that be passive aggressive "

Assertiveness does not come from a position of anger - if I am (still) angry I would not say that as it would indeed be passive-aggressive. You are absolutely right.

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By *reat me rightWoman
over a year ago

Rotherham

My life is mine and mine alone. Folk can think what they please of me. Doesn't alter a thing. I'll still be me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My life is mine and mine alone. Folk can think what they please of me. Doesn't alter a thing. I'll still be me"

Good! And that’s the best way to live cos we only are here once and we have to make the most of it!

Also I’ve been judged my whole life as u can imagine

, mostly from people who don’t even know me really, and guess what, I still do whatever I like xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I stop giving a shit what people think of me a long time ago, it’s one of the few perks of getting older, you give less of a fuck, they can form whatever opinion they want, I know the truth, I’m the only one who knows who I am. But at the same time, I’m not really sure people care, most people are too wrapped up in themselves.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The people who matter already know who you are. Your time is too precious to spend it trying to justify who you are to those who don't matter. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, it doesn't mean we have to listen to it.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

I think there’s a fine line between not letting what people think define and and just ignoring clear signs you need to act.

People’s thoughts about you do hold some truth.

If one person says your a bad person, sure, don’t let it define you.

If 100 people say it, maybe you should look at yourself.

We have a strange movement happening at the moment where the idea of self love has changed into “‘no one can judge me I’m perfect and everything they say is wrong”.

No ones perfect and we should absolutely be aware of other people’s opinions on us and how much of reality they reflect. And whether we should do something about it.

God please give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"I think there’s a fine line between not letting what people think define and and just ignoring clear signs you need to act.

People’s thoughts about you do hold some truth.

If one person says your a bad person, sure, don’t let it define you.

If 100 people say it, maybe you should look at yourself.

We have a strange movement happening at the moment where the idea of self love has changed into “‘no one can judge me I’m perfect and everything they say is wrong”.

No ones perfect and we should absolutely be aware of other people’s opinions on us and how much of reality they reflect. And whether we should do something about it.

God please give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference "

We have a strange movement happening at the moment where the idea of self love has changed into “‘no one can judge me I’m perfect and everything they say is wrong”.

I would like to explore this as I think you have a point. I think it is important to accept oneself regarding all the things one cannot change - eg why beat myself up because I might be shorter/taller etc.

The things I can change about myself (if I believe they should be changed to make be a better/ more attractive/ fitter etc etc person) I should consider as part of a self-improvement plan. I am believer of trying to become the best version of me so I am in full agreement there.

The other, actually UNRELATED issue is about other people's approval. I do not personally need anybody's approval, except perhaps my family's and that is something that comes with age and the greater wisdom of knowing their approval wont really matter or change things in my life.

.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your brother is absolutely correct. And to be honest, I find what people say about you says so much more about them.

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By *_Yeah19Couple
over a year ago

Lincoln

Smile, wave and carry on.

My way of eating could lead to some awkward situations or conversations if I let it, but I no longer care and just do my own thing.

TB

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By *issAphroditeWoman
over a year ago

Norwich

In my 20s and early 30s I'd have fought back. In my 40s I give zero fucks.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I think very much like your brother. People will always view you through the lens of their own experiences and prejudices. Its rare they'll change their initial impression

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

I'm constantly pigeonholed as weak, feeble and probably mentally impaired because I'm sat sitting in a wheelchair. That's even though I've clearly got the upper body strength of an ox. People try to push my chair without asking. They ask if I need help to do ridiculous things like get my car keys out of my pocket. If I sit next to my car door putting something in my bag or moving a bag from A to B, people jump in (often leaning over me) and grab at things. I've been told by absolute strangers that I shouldn't be out on my own/unsupervised with my daughter. I have people speak to Mr KC or my adult son instead of me. I have people asking me why I need to access shops or whatever because "can your carer not do it." The list goes on.

I combat this (because I'm not letting it go) by awareness raising on the matter e.g on social media. I deliberately do things for myself, even if it's hard (such as pushing up steep slopes) because I WANT passers by to see it can be done. I play wheelchair sports and invite able bodied friends etc to come and watch (when it's allowed). I continue to work FT and I must say that I feel like I have to over perform just to prove that my disability doesn't impact my role. I enjoy overtaking people on foot when I'm out pushing, especially uphill and hope people take note of the fact I'm faster than they are. I go to a regular gym and do my adapted exercises in full view of everyone, again hoping they see what's possible rather than seeing me as inspiration porn.

It's a big bumblebee in my bonnet

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I'm constantly pigeonholed as weak, feeble and probably mentally impaired because I'm sat sitting in a wheelchair. That's even though I've clearly got the upper body strength of an ox. People try to push my chair without asking. They ask if I need help to do ridiculous things like get my car keys out of my pocket. If I sit next to my car door putting something in my bag or moving a bag from A to B, people jump in (often leaning over me) and grab at things. I've been told by absolute strangers that I shouldn't be out on my own/unsupervised with my daughter. I have people speak to Mr KC or my adult son instead of me. I have people asking me why I need to access shops or whatever because "can your carer not do it." The list goes on.

I combat this (because I'm not letting it go) by awareness raising on the matter e.g on social media. I deliberately do things for myself, even if it's hard (such as pushing up steep slopes) because I WANT passers by to see it can be done. I play wheelchair sports and invite able bodied friends etc to come and watch (when it's allowed). I continue to work FT and I must say that I feel like I have to over perform just to prove that my disability doesn't impact my role. I enjoy overtaking people on foot when I'm out pushing, especially uphill and hope people take note of the fact I'm faster than they are. I go to a regular gym and do my adapted exercises in full view of everyone, again hoping they see what's possible rather than seeing me as inspiration porn.

It's a big bumblebee in my bonnet "

Thank you for commenting! seriously thanks!

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By *ill-Ian KissesCouple
over a year ago

Somewhere over there

[Removed by poster at 20/08/21 01:01:07]

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By *ill-Ian KissesCouple
over a year ago

Somewhere over there

I challenge people as a few thing because I have an unusual name, dark skin, I must be Muslim, married off, can’t drink, be a vegetarian and lots of children.

I’m also deaf so get a lot of people going; if you speak well for a deaf person/ you don’t look deaf/ what’s the sign for sex etc/can you drive?

So I do challenge them; only to educate and hopefully they don’t make the same ignorant mistake to the next person.

I’ve now wised up and don’t rely on people’s opinions much (unless it’s a fab veri ) but in the sense that I’ll be around people that respect me & are good to be with and not run around ragged trying to please them.

Millie x

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By *oubleswing2019Man
over a year ago

Colchester


"My brother said to me once ‘what other people think of you isn't your business’ "

I'll put a different spin on this, because it could be argued that what people think of you is VERY much your business.

For example, going to a job interview. Getting a promotion at work. Dating a potential partner. Negotiating a deal. Attempting to gain favour with someone. Calming a dispute. And so on.

My old Social Studies teacher explained that we are fundamentally animals and we are genetically programmed as part of our survival instinct to make a very rapid assessment of a stranger, for example.

1. Are they a threat ?

2. Are they ambivalent ?

3. Are they an ally ?

We are a very visual species, and arguably we subconsciously make our assessment in milliseconds before the event of meeting someone.

The bottom line is, we are all being judged every second of the day that we are interacting with other human beings.

How you present to others is therefore very much in your interests.

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