FabSwingers.com forum: Can people change over a life time?

By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Thinking about people who have led fairly uneventful lives and suddenly turn but also those who have had a troubled childhood and /or adolescence experience and turn things around for themselves.

I am asking if people have the innate ability to change permanently and become the polar opposite of what they used to be.

If so, why?

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By *offiaCoolWoman
over a year ago

Kidsgrove

I can't answer to why, but yes people can turn their lives around. I refused to let my past dictate my future. There was a chap on here, fireblade or something similar (I think he met someone on here and left), brought up in care and did amazingly well against all odds.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I believe so. I believe we can be what we choose to be. People that can't change, just don't want to.

-C

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

Yes people can change. In fact it would be a bit odd if they didn’t. Radical transformation is rarer but it does happen.

Ask a counsellor if they see tremendous change in people and they will often say they’ve seen it.

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By *rad670Man
over a year ago

South Lakes

Absolutely, a very quick for instance on a personal level and it's a bit deep so I'll keep it brief.

I spent my childhood being brought up by a physically and mentally abusive alcoholic mother. An incident when I was 14 meant I was out of the firing line and once I got the normal drinking years as an 18-22 yea old out of the way I turned away from regular drinking to the point of no alcohol for around 14-15 years and I drink very little now. I hate to see d*unk parents in charge of kids to this day. My brother however followed the example he was brought up with and has drank excessively all his life, so we can go eother way as you say,

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh yes absolutely. I make it my goal to. After my separation my kids said we can't believe what a different person you are. My child hood sucked too but I just use that as lessons on how not to be. I'm constantly reassessing myself band trying to be better.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t believe our core character can change as an adult. In fact I think it’s mostly set by early childhood but that’s another subject!

I do think that that character traits can have positive or negative expressions and these can change by choice or circumstance. So someone with a compulsive personality could express that extreme focus as a destructive addiction or to build something positive such as a successful business. Equally many successful criminals have the skills to be successful in the conventional world given different opportunities.

So yes, change can and does happen!

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

Every living cell in our bodies gets replaced. Seven years ago none of the cells in my body were the same ones I have now. I am literally a completely different person.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It can definitely be done if there's a want and a will to do it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes, they absolutely can and I think we all change without even thinking about it.

I’m not the same person I was in every aspect ten years ago, or twenty years ago, etc. We all remember landmark changes due to their significance, but so much other change goes relatively unnoticed.

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

I changed my life around by leaving my partner of 25yrs. I went from living mortgage free and being comfortable to being quite poor. Much happier now so certainly not complaining.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think life changes us all from the things we go through especially in childhood. We all develop, mature and grow into a different person each year but I'm not sure we can change completely. We will always have certain traits of ourselves good and bad, we just change the way we apply them to our everyday lives.

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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago

STOKE ON TRENT

Yes if they want to

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

"It can definitely be done if there's a want and a will to do it. "

Agreed. But not necessarily in the ways someone else may want them to change. That’s where the problems start.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Every living cell in our bodies gets replaced. Seven years ago none of the cells in my body were the same ones I have now. I am literally a completely different person."

Ah, that’s actually a myth. The average age of your cells is seven years so some live much longer including all your life and some much less. And new cells should contain the identical DNA to old ones, although rare mutations do happen.

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By *Sparkie.Man
over a year ago

Ratoath

I think if your born a Zebra you won't die a Lion, what I'm saying is people rarely ever change, the odd one does but not many I think, my dad always says if your a bollox in the morning, your a bollox in the evening"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have changed a lot

More than I perhaps recognised

I sit and watch my OH transition from young adult to adult

The confidence that lacked is suddenly there in bucket loads

He is so intelligent and has such a compassionate and understanding way about him - a beautiful soul

The only things that held him back were anxiety and an unhealthy introspection

I can see those shackles slowly giving way, day by day

It's a pleasure to witness

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a very troubled childhood! Raised by an emotionally distant father no contact with my mother.

Turned things around though and my relationship with my sons is close knit and the opposite to the one with own parents! 15 years ago I was a single mum on benefits and now I have a great well paid career!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have changed a lot

More than I perhaps recognised

I sit and watch my OH transition from young adult to adult

The confidence that lacked is suddenly there in bucket loads

He is so intelligent and has such a compassionate and understanding way about him - a beautiful soul

The only things that held him back were anxiety and an unhealthy introspection

I can see those shackles slowly giving way, day by day

It's a pleasure to witness

This makes so much sense to me! My adult son is similar. Super smart and kind but spends too long in his own head which can hold him back,

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I had a very troubled childhood! Raised by an emotionally distant father no contact with my mother.

That’s brilliant

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

"Every living cell in our bodies gets replaced. Seven years ago none of the cells in my body were the same ones I have now. I am literally a completely different person.

True most cells get replaced far more frequently! And cells do change as we get older. Hence the aging process.

Also 90% of the cells in our bodies aren’t even us! Bacteria make up the vast majority of the cells in us. And they get replaced very frequently.

I love weird statistics like this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It can definitely be done if there's a want and a will to do it. "

So a short person can become tall, or I can become an Olympic diving champion? Obviously not, and parts of our character are just as fixed as physical features but it’s more problematic for us to acknowledge this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes, I believe people can change.

By choice - inner development and hard work.

Life experience - things can mould and change you, for better or for worse.

I read a saying the other day that said something along the lines of, you’re not responsible for your trauma as a child, but you are responsible for dealing with it as an adult.

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By *igmaMan
over a year ago

Yorkshire

You've got to search for the hero inside yourself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You've got to search for the hero inside yourself "

I told you not to stick those little chocolates up your bum

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes, I believe people can change.

By choice - inner development and hard work.

Life experience - things can mould and change you, for better or for worse.

I read a saying the other day that said something along the lines of, you’re not responsible for your trauma as a child, but you are responsible for dealing with it as an adult. "

I agree! I taught myself web design and then taught myself marketing. My first role was just data entry but i was promoted after 6 weeks to manage their social channels. For me personal development has been key!

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

Not the polar opposite but yes it's possible to change.

On one hand I've led a very adventurous life due to where I grew up and the atrocities I've witnessed that most couldn't even begin to imagine. Somehow I came through all those and retained my sanity.

On the other hand in regard to sexual experience I had virtually none for the first 50 years and as such had little or no self esteem either.

I've managed to change that in the last 6 years but it hasn't been an easy journey at all.

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By *igmaMan
over a year ago

Yorkshire

"You've got to search for the hero inside yourself

I told you not to stick those little chocolates up your bum

WISPA!!!

It’s meant to be our secret

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes, I believe people can change.

By choice - inner development and hard work.

Life experience - things can mould and change you, for better or for worse.

I read a saying the other day that said something along the lines of, you’re not responsible for your trauma as a child, but you are responsible for dealing with it as an adult.

That’s awesome

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By *ulkuriMan
over a year ago

London

I think so.

I have lived in solitude most of my life, due to bad parenting etc. Was told by teachers that I'll never find happiness and all that.

Ended up feeling like an outcast in every situation, but the last three years have been amazing socially.

If nothing, I learned to take care of myself and the flat, while teaching myself design and now I'm working as lead designer. So all is fine!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think so.

I have lived in solitude most of my life, due to bad parenting etc. Was told by teachers that I'll never find happiness and all that.

Ended up feeling like an outcast in every situation, but the last three years have been amazing socially.

If nothing, I learned to take care of myself and the flat, while teaching myself design and now I'm working as lead designer. So all is fine! "

That’s awesome to hear and I can relate!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Absolutely people can change although from my experience in order to change the mind needs to snap usually can be different things for different people. most ex alcoholics or drug users are usually completely different people to who they was as children or was going to be if not for the mental snap.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Posted this morning and then I got pulled away so was never able to engage after - my apologies.

So CAN a leopard change its spots?

I think humans are capable of change if and when they understand why it is that they want to change and if they have the right support network around them. So it depends on understanding and motivation and support.

Do people change without realising they are changing/ have changed?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thinking about people who have led fairly uneventful lives and suddenly turn but also those who have had a troubled childhood and /or adolescence experience and turn things around for themselves.

I am asking if people have the innate ability to change permanently and become the polar opposite of what they used to be.

If so, why? "
On the most basic level most of us change our clothes for more fresher ones.

So to change isn't that alien, in certain cases just harder or more prolonged....some washing machine cycles are a bitch!

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

My ex husband is totally different with his new partner.

He isn't abusive towards her, he decorates her house, he's renovated her garden, he takes her on foreign holidays and they go out a lot to see her friends.

He's a very different person.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"Thinking about people who have led fairly uneventful lives and suddenly turn but also those who have had a troubled childhood and /or adolescence experience and turn things around for themselves.

I am asking if people have the innate ability to change permanently and become the polar opposite of what they used to be.

If so, why? On the most basic level most of us change our clothes for more fresher ones.

So to change isn't that alien, in certain cases just harder or more prolonged....some washing machine cycles are a bitch!"
The analogy made me chuckle.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

"My ex husband is totally different with his new partner.

He isn't abusive towards her, he decorates her house, he's renovated her garden, he takes her on foreign holidays and they go out a lot to see her friends.

He's a very different person. "

Why?

Because I think he wasn't happy with me and felt trapped.

He realised he didn't love me, soon after we were married and made me suffer for feeling trapped.

I'm not a psychiatrist though, so it could be for other reasons.

He's much happier and laid back now.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"My ex husband is totally different with his new partner.

He isn't abusive towards her, he decorates her house, he's renovated her garden, he takes her on foreign holidays and they go out a lot to see her friends.

He's a very different person. "

I have seen this with friends and their new partners - can be hurtful and even infuriating for the ex partner to watch.

It can make you question which side of the person is the "real" side?

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"My ex husband is totally different with his new partner.

He isn't abusive towards her, he decorates her house, he's renovated her garden, he takes her on foreign holidays and they go out a lot to see her friends.

He's a very different person.

Why?

Because I think he wasn't happy with me and felt trapped.

He realised he didn't love me, soon after we were married and made me suffer for feeling trapped.

I'm not a psychiatrist though, so it could be for other reasons.

He's much happier and laid back now."

Ah you answered my question - so you did get closure on this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think sometimes 2 people can either bring out the best or worst in each other, so maybe we just think they've changed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think generally yes but there are some people who will never be able to change no matter what life throws at them

I also believe some people are born intrinsically evil/bad and that’s their nature and they will die that way.

Some are born intrinsically good and that’s how they stay. The rest can sway in either direction depending on what happens to them in life

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"I think sometimes 2 people can either bring out the best or worst in each other, so maybe we just think they've changed "
I like that summary - so really you see the person as a result of, and a contributor to a relationship. Like a chemical reaction in a way?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thinking about people who have led fairly uneventful lives and suddenly turn but also those who have had a troubled childhood and /or adolescence experience and turn things around for themselves.

I am asking if people have the innate ability to change permanently and become the polar opposite of what they used to be.

If so, why? On the most basic level most of us change our clothes for more fresher ones.

So to change isn't that alien, in certain cases just harder or more prolonged....some washing machine cycles are a bitch!"
What I don't like is the oft touted idea that people shouldn't change for ANYONE!

Often belligerently asserted and one that has gained too much traction.

Of course in some things people are on the right track so have no need for change.

BUT what about certain adjustments or even radical change in other areas?

Our stunted growth (lack of change) can affect us and others around us.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

Polar opposite I'm not so sure. But the brain is so plastic that it's possible.

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By *phrodite OP Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"I think generally yes but there are some people who will never be able to change no matter what life throws at them

I also believe some people are born intrinsically evil/bad and that’s their nature and they will die that way.

Some are born intrinsically good and that’s how they stay. The rest can sway in either direction depending on what happens to them in life "

SO if somebody is born intrinsically bad as you put it, does that not mean they are not responsible for their action? I mean if they cannot help how they were born?

Playing devil's advocate here a bit...

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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago

Calderdale innit

I think you can change some things, like your own future and path.

You can also develop in many ways and overcome things, but you'll always have those characteristics that make you, you.

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

Yes definitely. If there is a will, there is a way. It may mean taking yourself out of a situation and move on but I think people can change. I definitely have.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think generally yes but there are some people who will never be able to change no matter what life throws at them

I also believe some people are born intrinsically evil/bad and that’s their nature and they will die that way.

Some are born intrinsically good and that’s how they stay. The rest can sway in either direction depending on what happens to them in life

SO if somebody is born intrinsically bad as you put it, does that not mean they are not responsible for their action? I mean if they cannot help how they were born?

Playing devil's advocate here a bit..."

Everyone is responsible for what they do obviously x

and that’s why we have a law system if it goes into criminal offences or whatever

But I’ve met some people who have been bad people from day 1 and even if they had ways to redeem themselves and had scary situations (life threatening) they keep behaving the same way as bad people..

Hope it makes sense

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thinking about people who have led fairly uneventful lives and suddenly turn but also those who have had a troubled childhood and /or adolescence experience and turn things around for themselves.

I am asking if people have the innate ability to change permanently and become the polar opposite of what they used to be.

If so, why? On the most basic level most of us change our clothes for more fresher ones.

So to change isn't that alien, in certain cases just harder or more prolonged....some washing machine cycles are a bitch! What I don't like is the oft touted idea that people shouldn't change for ANYONE!

Often belligerently asserted and one that has gained too much traction.

Of course in some things people are on the right track so have no need for change.

BUT what about certain adjustments or even radical change in other areas?

Our stunted growth (lack of change) can affect us and others around us."

We shouldn’t change for someone else, but we should always endeavour to be the best we can be.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thinking about people who have led fairly uneventful lives and suddenly turn but also those who have had a troubled childhood and /or adolescence experience and turn things around for themselves.

I am asking if people have the innate ability to change permanently and become the polar opposite of what they used to be.

If so, why? On the most basic level most of us change our clothes for more fresher ones.

Often belligerently asserted and one that has gained too much traction.

Of course in some things people are on the right track so have no need for change.

BUT what about certain adjustments or even radical change in other areas?

Our stunted growth (lack of change) can affect us and others around us.

We shouldn’t change for someone else, but we should always endeavour to be the best we can be. "

*For ourselves

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Definitely in my case.

I experienced a lot of childhood trauma one way and another and became incredibly withdrawn.

I pulled myself out on occasion but its really been since recovering from cancer and turning 40 that I've taken control of my life and become the person I was always meant to be.

Im gaining confidence daily which I thank Sir for as he boosts me and raises me. A lot comes from within though, forgiving and moving on and not letting my past define me.