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Best jokes please…

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

The last one filled up.

Best jokes please, the more ‘Daddish’ the better

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When 2 people french kiss they form an approximately 60 foot long tube between 2 bum holes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was singing along to Pavarotti while in the shower when I swallowed some bubbles.

Turned into a soap opera

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the shit out of their dogs!

*obviously I know blind people are independent and very capable of skydiving but it do be making me laugh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Where do sharks go on holiday?

Finland

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By *xperience huntingMan
over a year ago

where

What do you call pig with no legs ?

A ground hog

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What causes dry skin ?

Towels

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I was singing along to Pavarotti while in the shower when I swallowed some bubbles.

Turned into a soap opera "

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the shit out of their dogs!

*obviously I know blind people are independent and very capable of skydiving but it do be making me laugh "

Me too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Never kiss with a runny nose!

You might think it's funny but it's snot.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Never kiss with a runny nose!

You might think it's funny but it's snot."

Laughed way more than I should have done at this

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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago

STOKE ON TRENT

What did the Anteater say to the hedgehog???

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve heard a rumour that lots of Germans are stockpiling cheese & sausage in the anticipation of another COVID lockdown - in other words planning for a Wurst-Käse scenario.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What did the Anteater say to the hedgehog???"

Go on…

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I’ve heard a rumour that lots of Germans are stockpiling cheese & sausage in the anticipation of another COVID lockdown - in other words planning for a Wurst-Käse scenario. "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Hedgehogs - why can’t they just share?

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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago

STOKE ON TRENT


"What did the Anteater say to the hedgehog???

Go on…"

No idea I'm asking you

You sausage

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By *unesMan
over a year ago

scarborough

Toulouse lautrec walked into bar and saw van gogh in the corner....

"Vincent can I get you a drink?"

"No thanks, I got one 'ere".

Get my coat......

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds


"When 2 people french kiss they form an approximately 60 foot long tube between 2 bum holes

"

Please could someone explain this. I obviously have no sense of humour !

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What did the Anteater say to the hedgehog???

Go on…

No idea I'm asking you

You sausage "

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

I have shamelessly appropriated this joke from a friend....

Apparently to start a zoo you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.

It's the bear minimum.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I have shamelessly appropriated this joke from a friend....

Apparently to start a zoo you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.

It's the bear minimum."

Hahaha, I love that one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

1 parachute for sale used once never opened. Couple of stains on it

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By *aughty Couple ABCCouple
over a year ago

West Bromwich

Why was the dwarf laughing while he was walking?

The grass was tickling his balls!

Apologies to any one offended by this joke

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By *r.SJMan
over a year ago

Wellingborough

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress them up as an altar boy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why does the Irishman wear two condoms?

To be sure, to be sure...

...

...

I’ll get my coat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I just found out my grandad is addicted to viagra.

No one is taking it harder than my grandmother.

I’ll stop now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the shit out of their dogs!

*obviously I know blind people are independent and very capable of skydiving but it do be making me laugh "

How do blind people know when to pull the chord in their parachute?

The lead goes slack.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I just found out my grandad is addicted to viagra.

No one is taking it harder than my grandmother.

I’ll stop now"

Please don’t

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 14/08/21 13:56:40]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I always knock on the fridge before dressing.

Just in case there’s a salad dressing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

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By *ssex_tomMan
over a year ago

Chelmsford

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the barman. Can I have a pint and a mop please ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's pink and hard in the morning?

Financial Times crossword.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walks into a pastry shop and asks the worker, 'how much are your sausage rolls'?

The worker replies 'they're two for a £1'

'hmm, I see. How much for one?' Asks the man.

'75p' replies the worker.

The man replies 'I'll have the other one'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman tendering contracts to build a wall. The Englishman says he'll do it for £2k the Scotsman for £2.5k the Irishman tenders last and says £4k. The client says you're by far the most expensive quote how do you justify it?

A £1000 for you, another for me and 2 more to get the English guy to do it.

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By *ames blonde007Man
over a year ago

Enfield

I bought some powdered water today,but don't know what to add to it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Someone threw a giant bottle of omega 3 pills at me.

I’m fine - I only suffered super fish oil injures

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I always knock on the fridge before dressing.

Just in case there’s a salad dressing

"

I stole this

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By *andsome HandMan
over a year ago

roundabout

Man walks into an off licence and asks the salesperson for 2 litres of any spirit apart from vodka

The salesperson asks "why not vodka?"

The man replies "I had 2 litres of vodka last night and blew chunks"

Salesperson replies "you're likely to blow chunks if you drink 2 litres of any spirit"

Man says "you don't understand Chunks is my brother in law"

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By *astille79Man
over a year ago

Sussex

Did you hear about the gay ghosts?

They put the willies up each other

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I always knock on the fridge before dressing.

Just in case there’s a salad dressing

I stole this "

Hahah! Shame I messed up the wording!!!

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Q: What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A: A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wi-fi!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I always knock on the fridge before dressing.

Just in case there’s a salad dressing

I stole this

Hahah! Shame I messed up the wording!!! "

Totally didn’t just copy it, not notice and have to edit it just now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a bee that lives in America?

A USB

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By *andsome HandMan
over a year ago

roundabout

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottish man were robbing a bank. Accidently, the Englishman triggered the alarm and soon the building was surrounded. The Scottish man saw 3 sacks lying near the entrance to the vault so they decided to hide in them. The policemen searched the place but could not find anyone until one of the policeman saw that the sacks were moving. He approached the first sack with the Englishman inside and kicked it. The Englishman went “Meow”, so the policeman said “Oh, it’s just a sack of cats”. He then went to the second sack with the Scottish man inside and kicked it. The Scottish man went “Woof”, so the policeman said “Oh, it’s just a sack full of dogs”. He then went over to the last sack with the Irishman inside and kicked it. The Irishman went “Potatoes”.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I always knock on the fridge before dressing.

Just in case there’s a salad dressing

I stole this

Hahah! Shame I messed up the wording!!!

Totally didn’t just copy it, not notice and have to edit it just now "

Hahaha....yeah, I absolutely regret Fab’s lack of editing posts at this moment in time!!!

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

3 ducks walk into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asks the first duck.

"Huey" was the reply

"How's your day been Huey?"

"Great thanks, lovely day, had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?"

"Oooo that's nice" said bartender.

He turned to the second duck "hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey" came the answer from duck number 2.

"So how's your day been Dewey?" he asked.

"Great thanks, lovely day. Had a ball too, I've been in and out of puddles all day myself. What more could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the 3rd duck and said "So, you must be Louie?"

"No" she said batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man goes out on the pull but fails and ends up drinking in a bar with a bird in a cage. The d*unk asks the barman what kind of bird is it and the barman says its a cockatoo... The customer then scans the room and says ain't it about time you had a cunt or two in here mate

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"3 ducks walk into a bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asks the first duck.

"Huey" was the reply

"How's your day been Huey?"

"Great thanks, lovely day, had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?"

"Oooo that's nice" said bartender.

He turned to the second duck "hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey" came the answer from duck number 2.

"So how's your day been Dewey?" he asked.

"Great thanks, lovely day. Had a ball too, I've been in and out of puddles all day myself. What more could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the 3rd duck and said "So, you must be Louie?"

"No" she said batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles""

One of my favourites

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Q: What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A: A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wi-fi! "

Is it showing my inner geek that I found this funny and actually know people like it

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By *aturegentdurhamMan
over a year ago

Stanley

Any one want to hear a dirty joke.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One day a woman walked ibtoa bar and asked for an innuendo so the barman gave her one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottish man were robbing a bank. Accidently, the Englishman triggered the alarm and soon the building was surrounded. The Scottish man saw 3 sacks lying near the entrance to the vault so they decided to hide in them. The policemen searched the place but could not find anyone until one of the policeman saw that the sacks were moving. He approached the first sack with the Englishman inside and kicked it. The Englishman went “Meow”, so the policeman said “Oh, it’s just a sack of cats”. He then went to the second sack with the Scottish man inside and kicked it. The Scottish man went “Woof”, so the policeman said “Oh, it’s just a sack full of dogs”. He then went over to the last sack with the Irishman inside and kicked it. The Irishman went “Potatoes”."

Love it

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"One day a woman walked ibtoa bar and asked for an innuendo so the barman gave her one."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.

Don't worry, I'm not hurt.

It was a soft drink

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By *andsome HandMan
over a year ago

roundabout


"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottish man were robbing a bank. Accidently, the Englishman triggered the alarm and soon the building was surrounded. The Scottish man saw 3 sacks lying near the entrance to the vault so they decided to hide in them. The policemen searched the place but could not find anyone until one of the policeman saw that the sacks were moving. He approached the first sack with the Englishman inside and kicked it. The Englishman went “Meow”, so the policeman said “Oh, it’s just a sack of cats”. He then went to the second sack with the Scottish man inside and kicked it. The Scottish man went “Woof”, so the policeman said “Oh, it’s just a sack full of dogs”. He then went over to the last sack with the Irishman inside and kicked it. The Irishman went “Potatoes”.

Love it "

One of my favourites

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walks into a bar and orders six shots of bourbon, as fast as the barman is pouring them the man is chucking them down his neck.

"you're drinking a bit quick aren't ya mate?"

"Yeah, well, you'd drink quickly too if you had what I've got"

"Oh, why? What have you got?"

"About £1.50"

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By *andsome HandMan
over a year ago

roundabout

Last night I watched a documentary on how ships are held together. It was riveting

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

 

Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping.

"Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said:-

"Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April:-

"Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said:-

"very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question:-

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time April jumped up and shouted:-

"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!

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By *omer47Man
over a year ago

leigh

Paddy and Murphy walking along the riverbank, paddy spots a crocodile with with a black man hanging out his mouth,he turns to Murphy and says, look at that flash twat in his lactose sleeping sleeping bag.

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By *ack2071Man
over a year ago

bromsgrove

Did you know if you unscrew your bellybutton your arse falls off.

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By *on-snowedMan
over a year ago

harlow

I met a beautiful vegan girl the other night and she was talking to me as if I'd known her for ages.

Unfortunately for me I'd never met HERBIVORE

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By *on-snowedMan
over a year ago

harlow

An orphan named Simon has dreamed of appearing on 'Stars in Their Eyes' since he was a small boy, living with his aunt and uncle in Leeds. He writes to Matthew Kelly year after year, and finally gets an audition.

The audition goes really well and he drives back up to Leeds to celebrate getting on the show, but as he is nearing home he has a terrible car accident, and loses his legs due to horrendous crush injuries. The surgeon who removes the mangled legs 'phones his relatives to break the awful news. When Simon's aunt related the tragedy to her husband, he collapses and dies of a heart attack. Hearing the terrible plight of the family, the surgeon suggests that, as they are blood relatives, he would like to try grafting the legs of the freshly deceased man onto his nephew’s body. The aunt agrees, and the legs are packed in ice and rushed to the hospital, where they are successfully attached to Simon. There follow 9 months of painful rehabilitation, but eventually the brave young man is walking again.

When Matthew Kelly hears the moving story, he asks the medical miracle to come and appear on the show. This he does, and as Kelly is relaying the heart-rending story, there isn't a dry eye in the house. Matthew Kelly introduces the young man and asks him who he will be tonight.

Simon looks into the camera and says..."tonight Matthew, I'm going to be.………..Simon and Half Uncle"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the shit out of their dogs!

*obviously I know blind people are independent and very capable of skydiving but it do be making me laugh "

Its ok, they won't be offended unless someone reads it to them!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can’t stand those Russian dolls.

They’re always full of themselves…

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I took that Piers Morgan to a Jamaican restaurant.

The waiter said “do you want to get the jerk chicken?”

I said “no he can get it himself”

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

Two fish in a tank and one says to the other..........

"Do you know how to drive this?"

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By *drian HardthrobMan
over a year ago

Worcester

Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What is green has 8 legs is 12 ft long and if it fell from a tree it would kill you?

A Snooker Table

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?

For hispanic attacks.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Shakespeare wrote all his plays with a pencil.

But was it 2B or not 2B?

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By *TK421-Man
over a year ago

Cheltenham

I went to McDonald's today and ate a kid's meal.

It was good, but the child's mother was furious.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What is green has 8 legs is 12 ft long and if it fell from a tree it would kill you?

A Snooker Table"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He do you make a snooker table laugh?

Put your hand down it's pockets and tickle it's balls

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, The bartender said sorry we don't serve food here.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is quite a long one I heard a while back...

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly!"

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By *GGandSOLDIERSCouple
over a year ago

Hillingdon

Why do women rub there eyes in the morning?....... Coz they got no balls to scratch

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walks into a bar..

And says ouch!

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By *unesMan
over a year ago

scarborough


"Last night I watched a documentary on how ships are held together. It was riveting "

Was it follwed by 'Weld in Action'?

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By *ookingfun82Man
over a year ago

Enniskillen

I got a tattoo at a temporary tattoo parlour.

It wouldn't wash off so I went back but the parlour was gone.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I got a tattoo at a temporary tattoo parlour.

It wouldn't wash off so I went back but the parlour was gone."

Haha! This is funny

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went today to my premature ejaculators support group, turns out it is tomorrow

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By *ookingfun82Man
over a year ago

Enniskillen

Not as funny but a bit more fab related.

My wife got a tattoo of a shell on her thigh, now everytime I put my ear on it I can smell the sea.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a magician who loses his magic?

Ian

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

At the Olympics I saw an athlete carrying a long stick and asked him: “Are you a pole vaulter?”

He replied: “No I’m German but how do you know my name is Walter?”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to see my doctor, I said "doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains"

Doctor said "pull yourself together"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's a prostitutes favourite drink?

Horlicks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Does it count as polyamorous if, as well as having a girlfriend, you’ve also fingered a parrot?

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By *p4funCouple
over a year ago

Plymouth

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

My mates kids did really well with their exam results last week..

His son got the results he needed to get an apprenticeship in the royal navy..

He got 7 C's..

His daughter did even better..she got more A's than it takes a scouser to break up fight..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

grandad and grandson watch news

grandad say to grandson all this war , economy is bad and crime worlds not in could shape at moment

grandson tell me something i don't know

grandad your grandma can take it up the arse elbow deep

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By *p4funCouple
over a year ago

Plymouth

I lost count how many times i failed maths

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Someone threw a block a cheese at my head this morning and I thought, That wasn't very mature

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Someone threw a block a cheese at my head this morning and I thought, That wasn't very mature "

I have to steal that one

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By *andsome HandMan
over a year ago

roundabout

I lost my job as a maths teacher today. The reason why is beyond me because I feel I've always given 110% effort.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral


"Someone threw a block a cheese at my head this morning and I thought, That wasn't very mature "

When he followed it up with a pint of milk I thought "how dairy"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Someone threw a block a cheese at my head this morning and I thought, That wasn't very mature

When he followed it up with a pint of milk I thought "how dairy""

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By *iddlesticksMan
over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

Two birds sat on a perch.

One says can you smell fish.

Two girls from Birmingham sat on a park bench and a photographer comes along.

One says sit still he wants to focus

The other says “He’s not foking me”

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By *aomilatteCouple
over a year ago

Midlands


"Never kiss with a runny nose!

You might think it's funny but it's snot."

We were chatting to a very friendly Lady in a swinging club and she had a runny nose. She was literally full up

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By * Plus ECouple
over a year ago

The South

Dear Maths,

Grow up and solve your own problems!!!!

E

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

The boss yesterday placed a sign in the mens locker room above the wash basin that reads THINK....

Today someone placed a similar sign below it that reads THOAP

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Only the other week an englishman,Scotsman and Irish man were stranded in Japan and despite the ban on crowds were desperate to view the Olympics as it would be a once in lifetime experience.

Seeing a long pole on the ground the englishman picks it up places it under his arm strolls up to the gate in blazer shirt tie and chinos and says "Bently, england, pole vaulting" and they let him in.

Following this lead the Scots man spots a man hole cover in the road, manages to dislodge it ,picks it up places it under his arm and strolls up to gate with his kilt fluttering in the breeze,and in a broad Scotish accent says "McGregor, Scotland, Discus" and they let him in.

Not wanting to be out done the Irishman spots a roll of barbed wire, picks it up and strolls up to the gate and says "Murphy, Ireland, fencing"

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By *est Mims LookingCouple
over a year ago

Crofton

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

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By *stoppMan
over a year ago

Durham


"When 2 people french kiss they form an approximately 60 foot long tube between 2 bum holes

Please could someone explain this. I obviously have no sense of humour !"

My guess is from one bum hole up through intestine / internal organs, through the 2 mouths down second internals / intestine through to bum hole number 2

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By *ayjay218Man
over a year ago

Aberdeen

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks can I get a pint of lager and a mop please

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By *iddlesticksMan
over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

Police caught two youths down the park.

One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other off.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you get a country girls attention?

A tractor

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Someone threw a block a cheese at my head this morning and I thought, That wasn't very mature

I have to steal that one "
it's my joke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Someone threw a block a cheese at my head this morning and I thought, That wasn't very mature

When he followed it up with a pint of milk I thought "how dairy""
funny

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Someone threw a block a cheese at my head this morning and I thought, That wasn't very mature

I have to steal that one it's my joke"

Too late. I stole it earlier

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By *lueeyedboy1818Man
over a year ago

Northampton

My ex hit me with the telephone the before we split.

I don't know why I was always on the receiving end

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

Why does Denmark, Norway and Sweden put barcodes on their ships?

So on entering the harbour they can Scandinavian.

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By *lueeyedboy1818Man
over a year ago

Northampton

Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose

A. FULL

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Why does Denmark, Norway and Sweden put barcodes on their ships?

So on entering the harbour they can Scandinavian.

"

I love this one

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By *sagentMan
over a year ago

In the ether

Love a knock knock joke!

You start

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Saw a homeless bloke in town. Said t him. Knock, knock. He said who's there. I said, Thought you was homeless

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Someone threw a block a cheese at my head this morning and I thought, That wasn't very mature

I have to steal that one it's my joke

Too late. I stole it earlier "
Thief

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By *entlemenpipMan
over a year ago

not far

Man hold up his right hand index and ring finger and asks a crowd

What are these the best fingers a woman should have in her pussy ??

Because there mine

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Guy was caught in a supermarket throwing domestos over fruit.

He was done for bleach of the peach!

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By *yronMan
over a year ago

grangemouth

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He worked it out with a pencil

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What lies on its back, a hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My sons at the age where he starts asking about the human body....guess I'm gonna have to move it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why can't penguins fly?

Because they are chocolate biscuits.

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By *ettaManMan
over a year ago

Kerry and Dublin

What do you get if you cross a clown with a goat?

A silly billy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife rearranged the labels on my spice rack…

Haven’t confronted her yet but the thyme is cumin.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee

But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine is gone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do brides wear white? So they match the rest of the kitchen appliances. Just a joke!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I tried starting up a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a flop, and nobody came...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Why can't penguins fly?

Because they are chocolate biscuits."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The neighbours have made a sex tape.

Of course, they don’t know that yet...

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By *3viantMan
over a year ago

charge

I've been shagging an anesthetist; she's a local girl.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I have shamelessly appropriated this joke from a friend....

Apparently to start a zoo you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.

It's the bear minimum."

I went to the zoo the other day.

It only had one dog.

It was a Shih Tzu!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why does Dr Pepper always come in a bottle?

Because his wife is dead....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ladies if you get a burning sensation when you Pee, it could be 1 of 3 things.

It could be Cystitis,

It could be a Bush Fire,

Or it could be someone taking about your Vagina

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *yronMan
over a year ago

grangemouth

Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken comes in a different box.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What Do We Want!"

"Hearing Aids!"

"What Do We Want Them!"

"Hearing Aids!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you know when 2 Elephants have been making love?

When the grass is flat and the bin liner is missing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a woman in the middle of a tennis court ?

Annette

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

What do you call a homing pigeon that doesn't come home?...

A pigeon

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do dwarves get when they run through a woman's legs?

A clit round the ear, a flap across the face and a crack on the head.

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By *andsome HandMan
over a year ago

roundabout

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmer’s hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore, he is worried. Next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens, but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks, and even the cow. Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead, and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster’s limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, “Shhhh!, they are about to land."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Chinese meal for 2 - £16.50

Tip - £3.50

Uber delivery - £4.50

Opening up and finding they’ve forgotten part of your order - Riceless

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You Heard this before OP, but worth sharing ....

Why couldn't the skeleton jump off the cliff......

Because he had no guts

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By *he DevilsCouple
over a year ago

swansea

2 Mexicans in the desert, been there 2 weeks, both starving and dehydrated. They come across a tree draped in bacon, sizzling in the midday sun. Miguel says ‘Hey amigo, we are saved heees a bacon tree!’ He runs to the tree as he gets within 5 feet he’s gunned down. In his dying breath he shouts, ‘Amigo, run, heees not a bacon tree, heees a Ham-bush!!’

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Never kiss with a runny nose!

You might think it's funny but it's snot."

That got me!

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By *rivervaderMan
over a year ago

bolton

He’s a dark horse that one

Who?

Black beuty

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By *rivervaderMan
over a year ago

bolton

What song do you sing to a tramp

I’m a living in a box

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 19/08/21 09:59:02]

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"How do you know when 2 Elephants have been making love?

When the grass is flat and the bin liner is missing"

I love this one. I’m stealing it

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"When 2 people french kiss they form an approximately 60 foot long tube between 2 bum holes

Please could someone explain this. I obviously have no sense of humour !"

I didn't get that one either.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

[Removed by poster at 19/08/21 10:01:40]

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By *allySlinkyWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

Apparently it's because a digestive tract is 30ft long

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By *iman2100Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

A small clairvoyant escaped from prison. The headline in the Sun read "Short Medium at Large"

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 19/08/21 10:13:54]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A jahova witness knocks at a door.

A young women answers with just a mini skirt on say come in

He sits down she sits opposite him playing with her hard nipples and opens her legs

Then says what do you want to talk about or do

Jahova beats me never got this far before

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did you hear about the gay ghosts?

They put the willies up each other"

Or the 2 gay judges who tried each other.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By *exysquaddieMan
over a year ago

derby

What did the cucumber said to the vibrator?

Don’t know why you shaking for she’s going eat me after.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I come a cross a wounded Taliban fighter on my patrol

I gave him water

It patted his head and said

Dont worry marine A is on his way

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Got a cucumber at the greengrocers.

He said: Would you like it sliced?

I said: No thanks it's an arsehole not a slot machine

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A shark will only attack you if you're wet.

Sean Lock rip

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By *ereagainlolMan
over a year ago

Lerwick

I asked my gf to use her keyring on me during sex, but she just kept fobbing me off.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lads, never ask a girl where she'd like to go when you're taking her out; ask her to guess where it is you're taking her ...then take her there

(as genius as it is funny to be fair!)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Toulouse lautrec walked into bar and saw van gogh in the corner....

"Vincent can I get you a drink?"

"No thanks, I got one 'ere".

Get my coat......"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Horse walks into a bar…. Barman says, “why the long face”……

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By *aturegentdurhamMan
over a year ago

Stanley

What you call a boomerang that doesn't come back

A stick

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By *antasy Explorers 1313Couple
over a year ago

A place where others reside

My wife is so embarrassed by me that for our wedding I only received an evening invite.

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By *antasy Explorers 1313Couple
over a year ago

A place where others reside

Went to premature ejaculators meeting at 9am this morning.

Turns out it's tomorrow!

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By *nly4funMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

Two elephants fall off a cliff ... boom boom!

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By *nly4funMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

Until recently I thought that PPI was something you get if you don’t wear goggles in a swimming pool.

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By *andsome HandMan
over a year ago

roundabout

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... Da-Dum Tish

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By *ettaManMan
over a year ago

Kerry and Dublin

What do you call an Irish sniper?

Eamonn

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By *andsome HandMan
over a year ago

roundabout


"What do you call an Irish sniper?

Eamonn"

Rick O'Shea

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

 (closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have the best joke you’ll ever hear.

It goes like this…..

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