FabSwingers.com forum: Why put yourselves down

By *gent Coulson OP Man
over a year ago

Secret hideaway in the pennines

Mainly directed at the ladies, but why do so many of you put yourselves down.

I see it in many threads, the I'm good enough to bed but not good enough to date type of threads.

Ladies, there are loads of men on here who would be proud to have you on there arm or at their side.

Don't put yourselves down, you are all better than that

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By *LiamMan
over a year ago

Midlands

You're great sister's

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

I don't want to be dated which is why I joined fab and not a dating site.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Default setting!

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By *dam1971Man
over a year ago

Bedford

"Mainly directed at the ladies, but why do so many of you put yourselves down."

Lots of reasons why people do this, pretty much all of them are bad

If someone is used to being talked about negatively, them doing it first can feel safer than waiting for the inevitable.

Or it’s how they’re used to being talked about they just accept it. If you’ve been told you’re not good enough a few times you don’t need to be told again; you can tell yourself.

Or it can be false modesty, kind of fishing for compliments because a confidence boost is needed.

Whatever the reason, it’s usually better to think about why, feel that you are worth something and crack on with being a bit more satisfied with who you are.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

Because the men on here would happily fuck me, but not want me as a girlfriend.

With very few exceptions.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

"Because the men on here would happily fuck me, but not want me as a girlfriend.

With very few exceptions.

That's not putting myself down; it's stating the obvious.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We learn to do this at a young age. Being positive about your own body can be seen as arrogance, unfortunately, and its a female bonding thing?

Does my bum look big in this? Followed by an outcry of negatives from your mates... back to that nightclub scenario!

Just one reason I can think of, there are many more x

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By *ealitybitesMan
over a year ago

Belfast

Sometimes it's said to get a reaction and fish for compliments but it's not always as shallow as that.

When a man is self deprecating people usually laugh and agree with him but a woman normally gets a more sympathetic response.

For both men and women it can be a deep rooted self loathing or conditioning to believe they aren't good enough.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I see more men than women putting themselves down, in the hope that people pander to them, it usually works too. And if doesn’t they usually sulk.

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By *viatrixWoman
over a year ago

Redhill

I don’t.

And in all honesty, I can’t really remember anyone saying that on here. Not been in the forum lately as I don’t have time with work, but I can’t really think of any regular forumite saying/thinking that...

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By *aucy tiggerWoman
over a year ago

Back where I belong

I don't want people, ok men, to get the wrong impression. I'm honest about being middle-aged and having the body to match. I've got lumps, bumps and a jelly belly, not mention a host of scars and imperfections.

And I haven't even mentioned my quirky sense of humour and sarcasm....

I don't want anyone making assumptions and expecting a gorgeous, toned, perfect model of womanhood.

I'm just me, nothing special xx

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By *nSeeNMan
over a year ago

Z'ha'dum

[Removed by poster at 30/07/21 07:01:28]

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By *nSeeNMan
over a year ago

Z'ha'dum

"Because the men on here would happily fuck me, but not want me as a girlfriend.

With very few exceptions.

That's not putting myself down; it's stating the obvious. "

But is that not like going into the green grosses for a lawn mower.

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By *oudLoutishLoverWoman
over a year ago

Colchester

"Default setting!

This!

Women’s insecurities are a multi billion pound industry, remember. We’re conditioned to dislike and constantly apologise for ourselves.

Also, if one agrees and basks in compliments, men soon turn nasty and tell us we’re ‘up ourselves’. We can’t win!

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By *inkyKittyWoman
over a year ago

Swindon

Yea, I kinda get it. Something that always stuck with me (I actually got told this):

You’re like a moped…. Fun to ride, but you’d never show them off to your mates!

Subconsciously, over the years maybe that saying has always stuck with me, making it hard to maintain healthy relationships?

I’ve always had people loose interest in me, and they either cheat, or ‘fall out of love’ with me.

Perhaps I’m always destined to be the ‘moped’ and not the Harley (or whatever the top desired bike would be)

Please don’t see this as a pity post, far from it!

I know I’m great fun, ok in the looks department, have lots of good friends and a great family.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

"Because the men on here would happily fuck me, but not want me as a girlfriend.

With very few exceptions.

That's not putting myself down; it's stating the obvious.

But is that not like going into the green grosses for a lawn mower."

No. They are here for sex, not a girlfriend.

I'm honest about my appearance to men who don't think fat is actually fat. So I make sure they know what they will be getting.

I'm a great fuck though

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some of us guys do it too,lack of confidence,stops me messaging ladies,as I think what's the point

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 30/07/21 07:51:05]

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By *inkyKittyWoman
over a year ago

Swindon

Those who say they are no here to date, i think are wrong. There are people here in the hopes that they will find a partner who they can share this lifestyle with.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I actually enjoy the lifestyle, not just the sex, but the socials, the parties, the places and even meeting all kinds of people. Why would I want to give that up if I found someone?

Vanilla people just don’t get it or are too scared to try!

9/10 of people that leave here for a relationship, are always back… you know why, it because it’s fun, and can be a hobby.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Some of us guys do it too,lack of confidence,stops me messaging ladies,as I think what's the point "

Sums me up perfectly, I’m fortunate that I get up to a dozen views each day, but yet nobody has ever wanted to start a conversation. That tells me all I need to know, that I’m boring and my profile is crap.

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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago

STOKE ON TRENT

Men do this more women just get on with it

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

"Mainly directed at the ladies, but why do so many of you put yourselves down.

I see it in many threads, the I'm good enough to bed but not good enough to date type of threads.

Ladies, there are loads of men on here who would be proud to have you on there arm or at their side.

Don't put yourselves down, you are all better than that"

Because its true.... The wanna fuck but not date thing.

Also, if I strike the first blow about my weight, my looks etc it takes the wind out of the bully's sails a bit.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

"Because the men on here would happily fuck me, but not want me as a girlfriend.

With very few exceptions.

That's not putting myself down; it's stating the obvious.

But is that not like going into the green grosses for a lawn mower.

No. They are here for sex, not a girlfriend.

I'm honest about my appearance to men who don't think fat is actually fat. So I make sure they know what they will be getting.

I'm a great fuck though

This is me too. I'm not looking to be anyone's girlfriend, so that doesn't apply, but I'm very honest to the point of bluntness about who I am and how I look because I'm not here to catfish anyone.

It really pisses me off when I get a message saying "oh you're not fat". I have mirrors and pretty decent eyesight, I am very fat indeed and I openly acknowledge that demonstrable truth.

I am also very good company, very witty, great in conversation and bang like a barn door in a gale, so I'm very aware of my strengths too.

The one area where my thoughts don't appear to match reality is that I find it impossible to see myself as sexy. I pull in the real world as easily as I do online, so I must have something going on, but I genuinely can't see it. If someone says they find me sexy I tend to believe they're bullshitting me - it's not something I like to read because I tend to assume it's sarcasm.

That's not me putting myself down, that's my view of myself and apparently I'm not to my own taste!

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

I use it as humour to show i don't take myself too seriously.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

There are countless reasons and usually it's from past experiences, so we have self defense mechanisms.

We're also aware from our younger days of crap like pull a pig. So we become cautious that things that are too good to be true are.

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By *elle xWoman
over a year ago

Doire Theas

Sadly it’s not just women, men do it too I consider myself a very positive person until it comes to myself this is because of lots negative comments from an early age and stuff like that is unfortunately hard to shift

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By *urplechesterCouple
over a year ago

chester

For some it’s learned behaviour! Years of being put down by others, so we get in there first. Like that scene from 8 mile, on the open mic battle, Eminem says everything about himself first, so the other guy is left with nothing to say! Miss pc

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Who said they are putting themselves down ?

Huge assumption.

Some of them will be stating fact and more than happy for it to be a fact.

By the way ..... it's NO badge of honour if a man wants to date you.... this isn't the 40's or The Handmaid's Tale or Dubai...

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By *aseMan
over a year ago

Gourock

And how do you know ?????

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yea, I kinda get it. Something that always stuck with me (I actually got told this):

You’re like a moped…. Fun to ride, but you’d never show them off to your mates!

Subconsciously, over the years maybe that saying has always stuck with me, making it hard to maintain healthy relationships?

I’ve always had people loose interest in me, and they either cheat, or ‘fall out of love’ with me.

Perhaps I’m always destined to be the ‘moped’ and not the Harley (or whatever the top desired bike would be)

Please don’t see this as a pity post, far from it!

I know I’m great fun, ok in the looks department, have lots of good friends and a great family.

Xx"

Kinky kitty your more than hot in the looks department your on fire.

I think it is part of the cycle that is the human race. Just look at the news papers which I don’t read anymore. Building people up to be the best thing since sliced bread, filling with adoration then to beat them down. It will only change if we change and stop putting others down. Photo shopping of models on the front pages of magazines or adverts when they are equally as beautiful without it.

I know I don’t have a gym bod, I don’t have a 6 pack, I don’t have the clooney looks I have my quirks but I refuse to let it get to me.

I participated in the rate my profile fun yesterday and I laughed as when I posted the thread got shut down and I wasn’t even rated

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sadly it’s not just women, men do it too I consider myself a very positive person until it comes to myself this is because of lots negative comments from an early age and stuff like that is unfortunately hard to shift

You should be ashamed with your brown sauce/bacon antics anyway

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By *elle xWoman
over a year ago

Doire Theas

You should be ashamed with your brown sauce/bacon antics anyway

Brown sauce

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"And how do you know ?????"

If you press reply and quote, people will know if you are talking to them or not.

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By *hunky GentMan
over a year ago

Maldon and Peterborough

I do it all time.

Sometimes just to show i can laugh at myself and other times to beat you lot to it. Lol

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

People put themselves down because if they big themselves up they're told "self praise is no recommendation' or are told they're arrogant.

Society plays a funny old game. The more self effacing you are the more praise you'll get.

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By *inkySeeKinkyDoWoman
over a year ago

'tween PontyCarlo & CasVegas in West Yorks

It's absolutely true.

I've had various encounters over the years with fwbs and fbs who I've had great connections with, awesome sex, they say they arent looking for a relationship but then bugger off to date someome else. When that breaks down they often come back.

Its pretty galling and doesnt do much for your self esteem. It certainly reinforces that you're good enough to fuck but not date.

In my case ive concluded that I'm not as aesthetically pleasing as their previous partners and they wouldnt want to be seen out in public with me and I'll continue to think that until one tells me different.

I know I should just tell them to fuck right off when they come back, but then I would no sex life at all!

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"People put themselves down because if they big themselves up they're told "self praise is no recommendation' or are told they're arrogant.

Society plays a funny old game. The more self effacing you are the more praise you'll get. "

Hmmmmmmm I'm not sure about this.

True , that when people say , 'Oh i'm just a fat ugly bloke.' The poor sod they've put on the spot HAS to respond with , 'Awwwww no you're not.' Insincerity isn't really approval or praise.......

In the long run those that put themselves down to avoid the pain of having said to them by others simply become another mocking voice to remind them of the parts of themselves that they haven't yet found the strength to change.

Confident people who know their 'imperfections' and KNOW they can't change them or don't want to change them and are content to live with them don't need any kind of comment from 'well wishers' ....

If a woman says her arse is fat......it's cos its FAT.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't want to be dated which is why I joined fab and not a dating site. "

Same

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Also I'm not so deluded as to believe the guys in their early 30s who want to meet us would want to date a woman of my age. It's fine, I wouldn't want to date them either.

that's not why I'm here.

Loads of people use fab as a way of getting sex between partners. They assume that most people want NSA, it's not that they don't want to date you, they probably assume you don't want to date them either

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"I don't want to be dated which is why I joined fab and not a dating site.

Same

Tell me that's Formby beach

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"People put themselves down because if they big themselves up they're told "self praise is no recommendation' or are told they're arrogant.

Society plays a funny old game. The more self effacing you are the more praise you'll get.

Hmmmmmmm I'm not sure about this.

True , that when people say , 'Oh i'm just a fat ugly bloke.' The poor sod they've put on the spot HAS to respond with , 'Awwwww no you're not.' Insincerity isn't really approval or praise.......

Confident people who know their 'imperfections' and KNOW they can't change them or don't want to change them and are content to live with them don't need any kind of comment from 'well wishers' ....

If a woman says her arse is fat......it's cos its FAT."

Yep. I do think though that as a society we celebrate low self worth over self confidence all the time. I see it here so often.

Even confident people enjoy genuine praise.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

'Genuine' .....

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"'Genuine' .....

Exactly!

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"'Genuine' .....

By that I mean 'genuine' is the key word......

Enforced flattery isn't genuine and it is forced by those that make non genuine comments about themselves in the hope of a boost.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Because the men on here would happily fuck me, but not want me as a girlfriend.

With very few exceptions.

This is exactly my experience.

I’d love to be dated and I’ve tried dating sites too but I seem to have even less romantic interest on those; the guys are clearly just wanting sex only.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"'Genuine' .....

By that I mean 'genuine' is the key word......

Enforced flattery isn't genuine and it is forced by those that make non genuine comments about themselves in the hope of a boost. "

Indeed. I nearly put the word in quotes originally.

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By *stbury DavenportMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

Here's a better question: Why is someone honestly assessing their shortcomings and the challenges they face automatically dismissed with "STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't want to be dated which is why I joined fab and not a dating site.

Same

Tell me that's Formby beach

That is indeed Formby beach

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Here's a better question: Why is someone honestly assessing their shortcomings and the challenges they face automatically dismissed with "STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN?"

I think it's difficult to help someone who is honestly assessing their shortcomings on a site like this. That's better left to people who know you isn't it?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"I don't want to be dated which is why I joined fab and not a dating site.

Same

Tell me that's Formby beach

That is indeed Formby beach

Ha! You could have told me somewhere exotic and i'd have bought it ....... good pic

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Here's a better question: Why is someone honestly assessing their shortcomings and the challenges they face automatically dismissed with "STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN?"

Precisely! I do think it's male to female thing more than the other way around ....

Even men I admire in other ways attempt to parent.... to say it's irritating is a huge understatement. I tend to ignore most of it or i'd never get through my day. Occasionally I flip.

Some just can't get their heads around that you made a comment after years of self analysis and knowing your points about yourself are sound and factual... they still 'parent' you.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Like when I say "I'm old" and people tell me I'm not. As if a) being old is a bad thing and b) I don't know how old I am

My 20 year old hairdresser did this to me recently

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"People put themselves down because if they big themselves up they're told "self praise is no recommendation' or are told they're arrogant.

Society plays a funny old game. The more self effacing you are the more praise you'll get. "

I'm not totally sure I agree. I agree being self confident ends up with being called arrogant. The amount of times I've been called a hard nosed bitch in work is astronomical.

But I do think people tire of those who speak bad of themselves all the time. They want to give a compliment get told no because xyz so they stop.

I think society plays a crappier game, you've got to be confident but not so much that you make others feel unconformable. And that level varies depending on the group you're surrounded by.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

You might be a 'hard nosed bitch' I don't work with you ....... BUT ....

Don't be fooled. Your strength is being diminished by those that expect you to exhibit sentiment and fragility.

No one would call a strong minded, strong willed man who is capable of decision names..... He'd be strong.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I'm not saying they are doing it deliberately.... it's very common societally

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"People put themselves down because if they big themselves up they're told "self praise is no recommendation' or are told they're arrogant.

Society plays a funny old game. The more self effacing you are the more praise you'll get.

I'm not totally sure I agree. I agree being self confident ends up with being called arrogant. The amount of times I've been called a hard nosed bitch in work is astronomical.

But I do think people tire of those who speak bad of themselves all the time. They want to give a compliment get told no because xyz so they stop.

I think society plays a crappier game, you've got to be confident but not so much that you make others feel unconformable. And that level varies depending on the group you're surrounded by. "

Let me rephrase.

People put themselves down *in a lot of cases* because they have learned that it's a good way to elicit praise which reinforces their real opinion of themselves.

If I started a thread saying eg "I love my hair" it would probably get far fewer positive or reinforcing comments than if I started one saying "I hate my hair".

Someone did once start a thread praising my hair. The comments that followed were mostly saying it wasn't that great and pointing out all the other women whose hair was better

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"You might be a 'hard nosed bitch' I don't work with you ....... BUT ....

Don't be fooled. Your strength is being diminished by those that expect you to exhibit sentiment and fragility.

No one would call a strong minded, strong willed man who is capable of decision names..... He'd be strong.

I'm not really I just have the same attitude as the men I work with. Which makes me a battle axe etc etc etc.

Used to bother me now I'm older I laugh at it. If they're intimidated by my work then they need to up their work game not try belittle me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"People put themselves down because if they big themselves up they're told "self praise is no recommendation' or are told they're arrogant.

Society plays a funny old game. The more self effacing you are the more praise you'll get.

I'm not totally sure I agree. I agree being self confident ends up with being called arrogant. The amount of times I've been called a hard nosed bitch in work is astronomical.

But I do think people tire of those who speak bad of themselves all the time. They want to give a compliment get told no because xyz so they stop.

I think society plays a crappier game, you've got to be confident but not so much that you make others feel unconformable. And that level varies depending on the group you're surrounded by.

Let me rephrase.

People put themselves down *in a lot of cases* because they have learned that it's a good way to elicit praise which reinforces their real opinion of themselves.

If I started a thread saying eg "I love my hair" it would probably get far fewer positive or reinforcing comments than if I started one saying "I hate my hair".

Someone did once start a thread praising my hair. The comments that followed were mostly saying it wasn't that great and pointing out all the other women whose hair was better

You do have lovely hair though

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"People put themselves down because if they big themselves up they're told "self praise is no recommendation' or are told they're arrogant.

Society plays a funny old game. The more self effacing you are the more praise you'll get.

I'm not totally sure I agree. I agree being self confident ends up with being called arrogant. The amount of times I've been called a hard nosed bitch in work is astronomical.

But I do think people tire of those who speak bad of themselves all the time. They want to give a compliment get told no because xyz so they stop.

I think society plays a crappier game, you've got to be confident but not so much that you make others feel unconformable. And that level varies depending on the group you're surrounded by.

Let me rephrase.

People put themselves down *in a lot of cases* because they have learned that it's a good way to elicit praise which reinforces their real opinion of themselves.

If I started a thread saying eg "I love my hair" it would probably get far fewer positive or reinforcing comments than if I started one saying "I hate my hair".

Someone did once start a thread praising my hair. The comments that followed were mostly saying it wasn't that great and pointing out all the other women whose hair was better

You do have lovely hair though

thank you. I like it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Because the men on here would happily fuck me, but not want me as a girlfriend.

With very few exceptions.

That's not putting myself down; it's stating the obvious.

But is that not like going into the green grosses for a lawn mower.

No. They are here for sex, not a girlfriend.

I'm honest about my appearance to men who don't think fat is actually fat. So I make sure they know what they will be getting.

I'm a great fuck though

This is me too. I'm not looking to be anyone's girlfriend, so that doesn't apply, but I'm very honest to the point of bluntness about who I am and how I look because I'm not here to catfish anyone.

It really pisses me off when I get a message saying "oh you're not fat". I have mirrors and pretty decent eyesight, I am very fat indeed and I openly acknowledge that demonstrable truth.

I am also very good company, very witty, great in conversation and bang like a barn door in a gale, so I'm very aware of my strengths too.

That's not me putting myself down, that's my view of myself and apparently I'm not to my own taste!"

Your sexiness is a mixture of your body and your amazing personality x

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Boom!

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By *affron40Woman
over a year ago

manchester

On here very often people say something deliberately negative about themselves in order for others to tell them they’re beautiful.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"People put themselves down because if they big themselves up they're told "self praise is no recommendation' or are told they're arrogant.

Society plays a funny old game. The more self effacing you are the more praise you'll get.

I'm not totally sure I agree. I agree being self confident ends up with being called arrogant. The amount of times I've been called a hard nosed bitch in work is astronomical.

But I do think people tire of those who speak bad of themselves all the time. They want to give a compliment get told no because xyz so they stop.

I think society plays a crappier game, you've got to be confident but not so much that you make others feel unconformable. And that level varies depending on the group you're surrounded by.

Let me rephrase.

People put themselves down *in a lot of cases* because they have learned that it's a good way to elicit praise which reinforces their real opinion of themselves.

If I started a thread saying eg "I love my hair" it would probably get far fewer positive or reinforcing comments than if I started one saying "I hate my hair".

Someone did once start a thread praising my hair. The comments that followed were mostly saying it wasn't that great and pointing out all the other women whose hair was better

I definitely agree with people will shoot down confidence quicker.

And people are just strange as, didn't see your hair thread. But seen similar when someone wants to praise an individual and people want to pull them down. I just don't see the need to pull anyone down.

Yeah I may not be body confident but I am about my intelligence. We all have things we feel good about and things we don't.

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By *ainsb1Man
over a year ago

North Lincs/S.Yorks

"Mainly directed at the ladies, but why do so many of you put yourselves down.

Lots of reasons why people do this, pretty much all of them are bad

If someone is used to being talked about negatively, them doing it first can feel safer than waiting for the inevitable.

Or it’s how they’re used to being talked about they just accept it. If you’ve been told you’re not good enough a few times you don’t need to be told again; you can tell yourself.

Or it can be false modesty, kind of fishing for compliments because a confidence boost is needed.

Whatever the reason, it’s usually better to think about why, feel that you are worth something and crack on with being a bit more satisfied with who you are."

Yea, I'm a guy and I talk myself down. It's to do with how confident you are. And the more you see that people do find you attractive, the more you are likely to believe that you are acceptable to people.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"On here very often people say something deliberately negative about themselves in order for others to tell them they’re beautiful. "

Yep!

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"People put themselves down because if they big themselves up they're told "self praise is no recommendation' or are told they're arrogant.

Society plays a funny old game. The more self effacing you are the more praise you'll get.

I'm not totally sure I agree. I agree being self confident ends up with being called arrogant. The amount of times I've been called a hard nosed bitch in work is astronomical.

But I do think people tire of those who speak bad of themselves all the time. They want to give a compliment get told no because xyz so they stop.

I think society plays a crappier game, you've got to be confident but not so much that you make others feel unconformable. And that level varies depending on the group you're surrounded by.

Let me rephrase.

People put themselves down *in a lot of cases* because they have learned that it's a good way to elicit praise which reinforces their real opinion of themselves.

If I started a thread saying eg "I love my hair" it would probably get far fewer positive or reinforcing comments than if I started one saying "I hate my hair".

Someone did once start a thread praising my hair. The comments that followed were mostly saying it wasn't that great and pointing out all the other women whose hair was better

I definitely agree with people will shoot down confidence quicker.

Yeah I may not be body confident but I am about my intelligence. We all have things we feel good about and things we don't. "

The hair thread was years ago.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's human nature to seek solace when you're feeling down. You say something negative in the hope that someone will disagree and disprove your fear.

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

"On here very often people say something deliberately negative about themselves in order for others to tell them they’re beautiful. "

Was just about to say this!

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"On here very often people say something deliberately negative about themselves in order for others to tell them they’re beautiful. "

Is that such a bad thing, if it gives them a confidence boost though?

I've done a thread about my cellulite and how I don't like it and posted a picture of my wobbly cellulit arse, and said sod it it's part of me. And I had so many messages from others saying that it helped them seeing an unflattering picture of my arse. Guess there is a balance and I doubt I'll ever get it right. I'm not body confident but I'm trying to accept this body as it is, and yes I do use fab to push and inch myself to a better place. Being on here showing my body enabled me to share a swimming pool picture the other week on a different platform. Rambling now sorry

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

Years of conditioning with my ex to feel bad about myself in my case

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"On here very often people say something deliberately negative about themselves in order for others to tell them they’re beautiful. "

In my case if I'm negative it's my unfiltered opinion and how I genuinely feel. I'm very honest. A million compliments won't change how I feel about myself.

It doesn't always mean it's dine for an ego boost. It isn't in my case but usually assumed to be sadly.

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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago

Burnleyish (She/They)

"Because the men on here would happily fuck me, but not want me as a girlfriend.

With very few exceptions.

That's not putting myself down; it's stating the obvious. "

This ^^

You only need to look at the forums to see the men complaining that women are 'punching above their weight' because they would be happy to fuck them from here, but wouldn't look twice at them in the street or date them...

And the amount of men who say on here they wouldn't date someone they met on fab cause they are a 'slut'.

Eventually. Tell someone enough negative crap over and over again and they begin to believe it.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

I just say what I think and feel about myself.

Some will defo come from years of being "not enough" from as early as my mum, through to relationships that were toxic.

Some will defo have come from a lifetime of having products and procedures rammed down my throat through advertising either in magazines, leaflets, television.

Some will come from others who I perceive to have nicer things than me saying that theirs are ugly or not nice enough.... well if theirs needs work and it's already 100x sexier than mine .... pffft, that's me manky then.

I've got crap teeth, I've got fat bits, but.... I really do have awesome hair, so I don't think for a moment everyone is compliment fishing.

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By *affron40Woman
over a year ago

manchester

"On here very often people say something deliberately negative about themselves in order for others to tell them they’re beautiful.

Is that such a bad thing, if it gives them a confidence boost though?

Absolutely not! If it’s something you genuinely feel negative about it’s good to hear others saying the same thing and realising it’s completely normal and we all have hang ups.

But there are others that use this very differently which I don’t think is helpful as it detracts from the real conversations.

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By *affron40Woman
over a year ago

manchester

"On here very often people say something deliberately negative about themselves in order for others to tell them they’re beautiful.

In my case if I'm negative it's my unfiltered opinion and how I genuinely feel. I'm very honest. A million compliments won't change how I feel about myself.

It doesn't always mean it's dine for an ego boost. It isn't in my case but usually assumed to be sadly."

I see that in your posts and that makes me sad. You are very honest though and it comes across like that. There are folk who see themselves as desirable that plonk their bums in that kind of thread for different reasons, not to have an honest conversation x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I just say what I think and feel about myself.

Some will defo come from years of being "not enough" from as early as my mum, through to relationships that were toxic.

Some will defo have come from a lifetime of having products and procedures rammed down my throat through advertising either in magazines, leaflets, television.

I've got crap teeth, I've got fat bits, but.... I really do have awesome hair, so I don't think for a moment everyone is compliment fishing.

Of course they aren't. I

I'm not articulating this well at all but a lot of people have learned that if you need positive reinforcement you need to put negativity forward to receive it. It's rare that someone can say they really dislike x, y and about themselves and someone will come forward and say "well yeah, x isn't your best feature but you're wrong about y it's gorgeous"

One of the things that first attracted me to Mr N was his truthfulness. If he thinks I look like a bag of spanners he'll say so. It means that if he tells me I look great I know it's true.

This isn't only true of physical attributes.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I just say what I think and feel about myself.

Some will defo come from years of being "not enough" from as early as my mum, through to relationships that were toxic.

Some will defo have come from a lifetime of having products and procedures rammed down my throat through advertising either in magazines, leaflets, television.

I've got crap teeth, I've got fat bits, but.... I really do have awesome hair, so I don't think for a moment everyone is compliment fishing.

Of course they aren't. I

One of the things that first attracted me to Mr N was his truthfulness. If he thinks I look like a bag of spanners he'll say so. It means that if he tells me I look great I know it's true.

This isn't only true of physical attributes."

I hear ya. You ain't missing the target and explained it well I think. But, I am in the highly intelligent group

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I just say what I think and feel about myself.

Some will defo come from years of being "not enough" from as early as my mum, through to relationships that were toxic.

Some will defo have come from a lifetime of having products and procedures rammed down my throat through advertising either in magazines, leaflets, television.

I've got crap teeth, I've got fat bits, but.... I really do have awesome hair, so I don't think for a moment everyone is compliment fishing.

Of course they aren't. I

One of the things that first attracted me to Mr N was his truthfulness. If he thinks I look like a bag of spanners he'll say so. It means that if he tells me I look great I know it's true.

This isn't only true of physical attributes.

I hear ya. You ain't missing the target and explained it well I think. But, I am in the highly intelligent group

That is clear from your posts

I am in the not as intelligent as they think they are group

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I just say what I think and feel about myself.

Some will defo come from years of being "not enough" from as early as my mum, through to relationships that were toxic.

Some will defo have come from a lifetime of having products and procedures rammed down my throat through advertising either in magazines, leaflets, television.

I've got crap teeth, I've got fat bits, but.... I really do have awesome hair, so I don't think for a moment everyone is compliment fishing.

Of course they aren't. I

One of the things that first attracted me to Mr N was his truthfulness. If he thinks I look like a bag of spanners he'll say so. It means that if he tells me I look great I know it's true.

This isn't only true of physical attributes.

I hear ya. You ain't missing the target and explained it well I think. But, I am in the highly intelligent group

That is clear from your posts

I am in the not as intelligent as they think they are group

I was teasing, I'm actually in the "I get by" group

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I also don't do faux compliments. If I say someone looks good or possesses a personality traits I find attractive I actually mean it.

I worked with a woman who thought being nice meant telling people lies about themselves.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I also don't do faux compliments. If I say someone looks good or possesses a personality traits I find attractive I actually mean it.

I worked with a woman who thought being nice meant telling people lies about themselves."

how the fuck is that gonna benefit? My mind boggles.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can’t relate, I love myself too much

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"I also don't do faux compliments. If I say someone looks good or possesses a personality traits I find attractive I actually mean it.

I worked with a woman who thought being nice meant telling people lies about themselves."

This annoys the hell out of me, because it makes me question any compliment I ever receive.

My sister will tell me if I'm wearing something unflattering, but when she actually pays me a compliment I accept it as fact and not have to second guess if she's being truthful or not.

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

"I also don't do faux compliments. If I say someone looks good or possesses a personality traits I find attractive I actually mean it.

I worked with a woman who thought being nice meant telling people lies about themselves."

Me neither. If I say it I mean it. I wouldn’t be negative though I just wouldn’t say anything. Unless it’s friends, they know I’ll be honest about which outfit looks better. People who know me like that about me though. People who don’t can maybe see my honesty as a bit brutal

I suppose x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I just say what I think and feel about myself.

Some will defo come from years of being "not enough" from as early as my mum, through to relationships that were toxic.

Some will defo have come from a lifetime of having products and procedures rammed down my throat through advertising either in magazines, leaflets, television.

I've got crap teeth, I've got fat bits, but.... I really do have awesome hair, so I don't think for a moment everyone is compliment fishing.

Of course they aren't. I

One of the things that first attracted me to Mr N was his truthfulness. If he thinks I look like a bag of spanners he'll say so. It means that if he tells me I look great I know it's true.

This isn't only true of physical attributes.

I hear ya. You ain't missing the target and explained it well I think. But, I am in the highly intelligent group

That is clear from your posts

I am in the not as intelligent as they think they are group

I was teasing, I'm actually in the "I get by" group

You possess (in my opinion) what I call native intelligence.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I also don't do faux compliments. If I say someone looks good or possesses a personality traits I find attractive I actually mean it.

I worked with a woman who thought being nice meant telling people lies about themselves.

I suppose x"

I wouldn't be negative unless asked (genuinely) for my opinion.

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

"I also don't do faux compliments. If I say someone looks good or possesses a personality traits I find attractive I actually mean it.

I worked with a woman who thought being nice meant telling people lies about themselves.

I suppose x

I wouldn't be negative unless asked (genuinely) for my opinion.

Yes. Exactly x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

So! Does all this mean that the men who tell me I look 35 don't mean it?

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

"I also don't do faux compliments. If I say someone looks good or possesses a personality traits I find attractive I actually mean it.

I worked with a woman who thought being nice meant telling people lies about themselves."

I pay a lot of compliments, but they are absolutely genuine. I don't say it if I don't mean it.

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By *hunky GentMan
over a year ago

Maldon and Peterborough

"I also don't do faux compliments. If I say someone looks good or possesses a personality traits I find attractive I actually mean it.

I worked with a woman who thought being nice meant telling people lies about themselves.

I pay a lot of compliments, but they are absolutely genuine. I don't say it if I don't mean it."

Ditto.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"I just say what I think and feel about myself.

Some will defo come from years of being "not enough" from as early as my mum, through to relationships that were toxic.

Some will defo have come from a lifetime of having products and procedures rammed down my throat through advertising either in magazines, leaflets, television.

I've got crap teeth, I've got fat bits, but.... I really do have awesome hair, so I don't think for a moment everyone is compliment fishing.

Of course they aren't. I

One of the things that first attracted me to Mr N was his truthfulness. If he thinks I look like a bag of spanners he'll say so. It means that if he tells me I look great I know it's true.

This isn't only true of physical attributes.

I hear ya. You ain't missing the target and explained it well I think. But, I am in the highly intelligent group

That is clear from your posts

I am in the not as intelligent as they think they are group

Hmph ..... I am in the 'depends on the measuring rod ' group....

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I just say what I think and feel about myself.

Some will defo come from years of being "not enough" from as early as my mum, through to relationships that were toxic.

Some will defo have come from a lifetime of having products and procedures rammed down my throat through advertising either in magazines, leaflets, television.

I've got crap teeth, I've got fat bits, but.... I really do have awesome hair, so I don't think for a moment everyone is compliment fishing.

Of course they aren't. I

One of the things that first attracted me to Mr N was his truthfulness. If he thinks I look like a bag of spanners he'll say so. It means that if he tells me I look great I know it's true.

This isn't only true of physical attributes.

I hear ya. You ain't missing the target and explained it well I think. But, I am in the highly intelligent group

That is clear from your posts

I am in the not as intelligent as they think they are group

Hmph ..... I am in the 'depends on the measuring rod ' group.... "

I think we're all in that group really

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I just say what I think and feel about myself.

Some will defo come from years of being "not enough" from as early as my mum, through to relationships that were toxic.

Some will defo have come from a lifetime of having products and procedures rammed down my throat through advertising either in magazines, leaflets, television.

I've got crap teeth, I've got fat bits, but.... I really do have awesome hair, so I don't think for a moment everyone is compliment fishing.

Of course they aren't. I

One of the things that first attracted me to Mr N was his truthfulness. If he thinks I look like a bag of spanners he'll say so. It means that if he tells me I look great I know it's true.

This isn't only true of physical attributes.

I hear ya. You ain't missing the target and explained it well I think. But, I am in the highly intelligent group

That is clear from your posts

I am in the not as intelligent as they think they are group

I was teasing, I'm actually in the "I get by" group

As I was vacuuming the hallway it occurred to me that you might think I was referring to you with that comment. I wasn't.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I also don't do faux compliments. If I say someone looks good or possesses a personality traits I find attractive I actually mean it.

I worked with a woman who thought being nice meant telling people lies about themselves."

Do you mean like paying them compliments that she didn't believe?

I see no harm in that unless they truly look like utter shit. Even then they might have a nice smile or cool shoes.

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