FabSwingers.com forum: Comedy one liners that have gone down in history.

By *ssexhampton OP Man
over a year ago

Rayleigh

As the titles suggests, your all time comedy favourite one liners. To start off, from the Royale Family at Christmas,by Barbara on the in-laws Christmas presents.

"Oh Jim,a boob job and a Dyson".

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

Plonker!

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By *aomilatteCouple
over a year ago

Midlands

No...fork handles, handles for forks.

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By *agicfingers1Man
over a year ago

near Brighton

This parrot had ceased to be

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Play it nice amd cool son, know what I mean."

More about what follows but you get it.

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

I’m Brian’s and so’s my wife!

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By *ssexhampton OP Man
over a year ago

Rayleigh

"That money was resting in my account".

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

""Play it nice amd cool son, know what I mean."

More about what follows but you get it. "

Classic and to think may never have happened as Trigger wasn’t due on set that day as filming something else.

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

Norman Stanley Fletcher…

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

Don’t tell him Pike

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By *yronMan
over a year ago

grangemouth

Eric Morecambe, watching the Fire Engine go past with it's lights and sirens going:

"He'll sell no ice creams going at that speed!"

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

Just one move of this piece of shrapnel..

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By *ssexhampton OP Man
over a year ago

Rayleigh

"Your only supposed to blow the bloody doors off".

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

"your only supposed to blow the bloody doors off ! "

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

One more face lift and she’ll have a beard

Ok sweetie

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By *ean counterMan
over a year ago

Market Harborough / Kettering

Don't mention the war! I did once but I think I got away with it

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By *ssexhampton OP Man
over a year ago

Rayleigh

"that would be an ecumenical matter".

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By *ormorantMan
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

Mrs Merton to Debbie Magee

“ so Debbie what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels”

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby

Tis but a flesh wound

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

He's not the Messiah... He's a very naughty boy

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By *eyondhornyMan
over a year ago

Abercynon-ish

Homer Simpson whilst watching a meteor shower.

"I wish God were alive to see this."

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

And what do you burn apart from witches..... More witches

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By *ssexhampton OP Man
over a year ago

Rayleigh

"I have a cunning plan".

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By *aughtyandhandsomeMan
over a year ago

button moon

Lovely jubbly

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By *eyondhornyMan
over a year ago

Abercynon-ish

"And what do you burn apart from witches..... More witches"

Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm so sorry, he's from Barcelona"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And what do you burn apart from witches..... More witches

Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government."

all time favourite Python dialogue that one!

"I am Arthur and I am your king", "No you're not"

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

""I'm so sorry, he's from Barcelona""

I know nothing

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

That is not my dog!

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By *inksAPlentyCouple
over a year ago

Bedfordshire

"Tis but a flesh wound

Beat me to it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

jus' like tha' (classic line, but I'm going to be controvertial here; I don't get Tommy Cooper)

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By *inksAPlentyCouple
over a year ago

Bedfordshire

I have a fwend in wome called Biccus Diccus

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By *drianukMan
over a year ago

Spain, Lancs

I went to watch Pavarotti last week.

What a miserable git! He doesn't like it when you join in

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By *agicfingers1Man
over a year ago

near Brighton

"I have a fwend in wome called Biccus Diccus "

He has a wife you know....

Incontinentia..... incontinentia buttocks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Fuck off", it's so international isn't it!

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By *airytaleOfNewPorkMan
over a year ago

Close By

I've got got plan so cunning, you could stick a tail on it and call it a fox

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

'Listen (pause) can you smell it'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have a fwend in wome called Biccus Diccus "

Hahahaha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And what do you burn apart from witches..... More witches"

'She turned me into a newt... I got better'

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By *ssexhampton OP Man
over a year ago

Rayleigh

"I forgot me feckin trowsers".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves

Heres Tom with the Weather."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have an old vacuum cleaner in the cupboard; it's just gathering dust.

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

A pint? That's very nearly an armful!

Don't tell him, Pike!

I'm playing all the right notes, not necessarily in the right order.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Eric Morecambe, watching the Fire Engine go past with it's lights and sirens going:

"He'll sell no ice creams going at that speed!"

"
I say this when ever an ambulance goes past.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

AbFab, in response to Jennifer Saunders' assertion “Inside of me, there’s a thin person just screaming to get out":

June Whitfield: "just the one, dear?"

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

Doc-: Are you now or have you ever been a practicing homosexual

Fletch-: What, with these feet!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What have the Romans ever done for us?

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

[Naturalist] “You have to remember when we caught Gerald [the gorilla] he was completely wild”

[Gerald] “Wild? I was livid”

Not the Nine O’Clock News

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 25/07/21 15:30:39]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sharp he is,as sharp as a tack! And just as flat headed! From the film " Sherlock Holmes and the scarlet claw"

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By *edkent69Man
over a year ago

maidstone

This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment: it's a twelve-storey crisis, with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour porterage and an enormous sign on the roof saying "This is a large crisis."

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby

Bus wanker

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

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By *eyondhornyMan
over a year ago

Abercynon-ish

Malcolm Tucker

Fuckity bye.

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By *ohnny4playMan
over a year ago

Kinross

Mangoes in a bar.... an odd place to find mangoes....

Joe Pascquale

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's all done in the best possible taste" ...Cupid Stunt

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

'Super' and 'Great' David and Tony from Reggie Perrin. One word lines that made me laugh!

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Hey Nursey is that a canoe in my pocket or am I just pleased to see you?! Woof!!

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

"'Super' and 'Great' David and Tony from Reggie Perrin. One word lines that made me laugh!"

I didn’t get where I am today ……….

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"Oh, have we got a video?"

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

You wouldn’t let it lie..

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By *asilForty77Man
over a year ago

a hundred and sixty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road

A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, high chief of all the vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

You can see the sea. It’s over there between the land and the sky.

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By *ougie321Man
over a year ago

Milford Haven

Mook

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By *ofdiamondsMan
over a year ago

Between wisbech & Kings lynn

I am serious. And don't call me Shirley!

Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

No, no, no, no, no, yes

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By *ean counterMan
over a year ago

Market Harborough / Kettering

Are we going out, or out out?

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Wibble

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pretty, pretty, pretty good.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Hello caller, I'm listening...

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By *arlomaleMan
over a year ago

darlington

Dave

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By *t my DesiresWoman
over a year ago

Bitchville

Lord Flash "Send the bitch with wheels or I'll fly back to England and give you wife something to hang her towels on"!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 25/07/21 18:21:14]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

“We need to get you to a hospital as soon as possible”

“A hospital? What is it?”

“It’s a large building with lots of patients but that’s not important now”

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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago

Derbyshire village

"And what about you? Do you find it wisible...when I say the name....Biggus....Dickus?"

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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago

Derbyshire village

[Removed by poster at 25/07/21 18:47:52]

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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago

Derbyshire village

"Lord Flash "Send the bitch with wheels or I'll fly back to England and give you wife something to hang her towels on"!! "

"She's got a tongue like an electric eel, and she likes the taste of a MAN'S tonsils!"

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By *ssexhampton OP Man
over a year ago

Rayleigh

" Hello IT,.....have you tried turning it off and on again?".

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By *eyondhornyMan
over a year ago

Abercynon-ish

""Oh, have we got a video?"

Yes we've got a video!

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

[Nokia ringtone] “HELLO?!”

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By *ean counterMan
over a year ago

Market Harborough / Kettering

""Oh, have we got a video?"

Im so hungry I could my own ear wax and we all know how bad that tastes! Right kids ?

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By *ean counterMan
over a year ago

Market Harborough / Kettering

I'm smokin' a fag

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

"I'm not asking you I'm asking Mr stuffsucker"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Surely your not serious?

I am and don't call me shirley

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

""Oh, have we got a video?"

Im so hungry I could my own ear wax and we all know how bad that tastes! Right kids ?

Open up it's the pigs

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By *ean counterMan
over a year ago

Market Harborough / Kettering

""Oh, have we got a video?"

Im so hungry I could my own ear wax and we all know how bad that tastes! Right kids ?

Open up it's the pigs"

Come on in Neil and take that tit off your head

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"People used to laugh when I told them I wanted to be a comedian. Haha! They're not laughing anymore!"

- Bob Monkhouse

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

Reporter:

No offence, but NASA spends fifteen years, hundreds of millions of dollars so that we can watch man walk on the moon and in the end it falls to you blokes! I mean, how do you feel about that?

Mitch:

A lot better before you opened your trap.

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By *ed VoluptaWoman
over a year ago

Wirral.

Oooh, Matron!

Frying tonight!

Titter ye not

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

""Oh, have we got a video?"

Im so hungry I could my own ear wax and we all know how bad that tastes! Right kids ?

Open up it's the pigs

Come on in Neil and take that tit off your head

I am HAVING a baby!!

(To be honest I could probably fill a thread with Young Ones quotes alone)

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By *weedeldumbCouple (MM)
over a year ago

Leeds & Harrogate

"When I die, I want to go like my father who passed away peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming in terror like all his passengers.”

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

Upstart Crow genius...

Kate : Oh, Mr. Shakespeare, you are like he who gives support. Like that which sweetens all that it covers. You are a great poet and are like the heavens.

Will : Kate, your words move me, but I would fain know their meaning.

Kate : Why, he who gives support is a patron. That which sweetens all that it covers be but icing. A great poet is a bard. And the heavens of course be starred. Put them together and you get...

Will : Patron-icing bard-starred.

Kate : I'll leave it with you.

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

Does my bum look big in this?

I’ll get me coat…

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By *ssexhampton OP Man
over a year ago

Rayleigh

"Do you know what Nemesis means?".

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By *kmale201633Man
over a year ago

Southampton

Do you like movies about gladiators?

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Oooohh Betty

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By *ofdiamondsMan
over a year ago

Between wisbech & Kings lynn

"Do you like movies about gladiators? "

Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Jumpers for goalposts

Scorchio!

Suits you Sir!

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By *imAndHerKentCouple
over a year ago

Folkestone

Don't do it mild, don't do it meekly, beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly.

Victoria Wood.

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By *ssexhampton OP Man
over a year ago

Rayleigh

"You ready Grandad".

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By *obbfcMan
over a year ago

Livingston

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.

(HitchHikers guide to the galaxy)

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

Ooh you are awful but I like you

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By *yronMan
over a year ago

grangemouth

I am serious. And stop calling me Shirley.

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

Oh miss Jones

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Are you round? I said are you round? I'm only asking because I just can't see any point to you!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Eric Morecambe, watching the Fire Engine go past with it's lights and sirens going:

"He'll sell no ice creams going at that speed!"

Ambulance

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The thin blue line with Rowan Atkinson

The detective inspector is complaining about a mistake and the impact on his job.

The argument finished with these words

'" your cock up"

"My arse"

Funny as hell

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

'I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order..'

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By *tingly ByronMan
over a year ago

In a town Fab forgot

Margot Leadbetter in The Good Life

*incredulous.....

"A goat Gerry......?"

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By *inkerbell67Woman
over a year ago

Clacton on sea essex

The fallan Madonna with the big boobies ,,Im Free.

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By *tingly ByronMan
over a year ago

In a town Fab forgot

Twoooo....soupssss

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By *inksAPlentyCouple
over a year ago

Bedfordshire

HAROLD

You dirty old man

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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago

Derbyshire village

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries"

I've been to that castle! With coconut shells!!

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By *aeganaWoman
over a year ago

birmingham

Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Friends Romans.. countrymen I KNOW!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We've been thrown off course just a tad"

"Miss, what exactly is a tad?"

"In space terms, that's about half a million miles"

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By *JB1954Man
over a year ago

Reading

Eric Morecambe to Andre Previn

I am playing all the right notes but not necessarily in the right order.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Garlic Bread, it's the future, I've tasted it" - Peter Kay

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"HELLLLOOOOO.... I'M IN THE LIBRARY. NAAH, IT'S RUBBISH"

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

""HELLLLOOOOO.... I'M IN THE LIBRARY. NAAH, IT'S RUBBISH""

Even after all these years if I hear that Nokia ringtone that's my immediate response!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have a plan So cunning, you could stick a tail on it and call it a fox!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ggggggggggg. Granville you never just sell them what they want.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Born free till somebody caught me.

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By *ltrMan
over a year ago

sheffield

Peter Kay

It's not the bogey men in the wardrobe you have to worry about its the burglars coming thou the windows

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Del boy These plates are genuine antiques.

Trigger Yeah, and they're dishwasher proof.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Misterrrrrrr Grimsdaaaaalle

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He is not the son of god he is a very naughty boy!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hate you!!

Kevin and Perry

Computer says no

What a f'kin liberty!

Catherine Tate grandma

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By *iddlesticksMan
over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

Turned out nice again ain’t it.

Play it cool Trigger, play it cool.

I am serious and don’t call me Shirley.

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By *1n_eaterMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

Iraq have WMD. That twat Blair and the other edjit from America.

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By *r TriomanMan
over a year ago

Chippenham Malmesbury area

Do you like pasteurized cos pasteurized is best, she said, oooo, Ernie, I'd be happy if it comes up to my chest.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Shitting Shit On It"

"Shalom"

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

"Misterrrrrrr Grimsdaaaaalle"

Haha. Now you’re showing your age

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By *iddlesticksMan
over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

2 minutes Turkish

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By *ssexhampton OP Man
over a year ago

Rayleigh

"Look Dougal I am Chinese....oh come on Dougal lighten up".

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By *aomilatteCouple
over a year ago

Midlands

I want that one....yeh I know

Call me Bubbles darling, everybody does

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Alright Dave"

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By *aomilatteCouple
over a year ago

Midlands

""Alright Dave""

Trigger, why do you call me Dave? My names Rodney.

Oh...is it Dave

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If it's a girl their calling it Sigorney after the actress, if it's a boy their calling it Rodney after Dave"

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

Time for tiffin.

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By *adistic_visionMan
over a year ago

bolsover

""I have a cunning plan"."

Wibble

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 26/07/21 12:25:27]

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

"No we are not doing fucking Stonehenge!!!"

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

""Shitting Shit On It"

"Shalom""

"Pillocks!!"

"Bleeding imbeciles!!"

"Oh hello Jackie you look nice"

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town

These are small... But those are far away...

I don't belieeeeve it.

It's good night from me and it's good night from him.

I'll phone a friend.

.. And finally....

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester

This time next year Rodney, we will be millionaires.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fiesty one you are

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

""No we are not doing fucking Stonehenge!!!"

These go to 11

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have a plan So cunning, you could stick a tail on it and call it a fox!"

Weasel

Now listen very carefully, I shall say zis only wence

Oh, and 'Good moaning!'

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By *ausageNmashCouple
over a year ago

Andover

( talking about annual rainfall)

If you think 8 inches is about average...you've been spoiled

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town

Type of bird... R blank blank k.. Its rook.

Not necessarily... could be rilk.

What's a rilk?

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By *ofdiamondsMan
over a year ago

Between wisbech & Kings lynn

Elderly farmer: I hear you’re a racist now father.

Father Ted: WHAT?!

Elderly farmer: How did ya get interested in that sort of thing?

Father Ted: WHO SAID I’M A RACIST?!!

Elderly farmer: Everyone is saying it, Father. Should we all be racist now? What’s the official line that the church has taken on this?

Father Ted: No… no…

Elderly farmer: It’s just that the farm takes up most of the day, and at night, I like to have a cup of tea. I mightn’t be able to devote myself full-time to the old racism.

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By *ofdiamondsMan
over a year ago

Between wisbech & Kings lynn

Is it as cunning as a fox that's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?

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By *ofdiamondsMan
over a year ago

Between wisbech & Kings lynn

I was pissing by the door when I heard two shats

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you ever visit Dubai, whatever you do don’t mention The Flintstones. They don’t get it and it upsets them.

However Abu Dhabi Do!

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By *ofdiamondsMan
over a year ago

Between wisbech & Kings lynn

Oh I'm sorry, my manners. Piss off, please.

oh you'd like my lip wouldnt you, right round your bell end! [turns to Kevin's friend] If Mr Chippy doesnt get there first! What's he gunna knock up, a closet for you to hide in? You... BUMDER!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's just a flesh wound"

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By *ackformore100Man
over a year ago

Tin town

Are we all ready to give those French a good licking?

Darling: It’s the Germans we’ll be licking, sir.

Melchett: Don’t be ridiculous, Darling. I wouldn’t lick a German if he were glazed in honey!

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Oooh fwend...football fwend

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By *ssexhampton OP Man
over a year ago

Rayleigh

" I'm only 6, you work it out".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Infamy, Infamy, they’ve all got it infamy !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

""I have a cunning plan".

Wibble "

This is the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck in a sticky bun.

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By *rs spicyCouple
over a year ago

Chesterfield near centre

Never mind what that smell is, just get me down!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Morning Mr B

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

I’LL GET YOU BUTLER

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By *alking HeadMan
over a year ago

Bolton

"Were all different!"...........

"I'm not."

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By *edkent69Man
over a year ago

maidstone

And I hope your mother dies in a freak yachting accident

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

he will never sell any ice creams driving at that speed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Listen carefully i will say this only once

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

These pretzels are making me thirsty !

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

Milk was a bad choice !

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By *ofdiamondsMan
over a year ago

Between wisbech & Kings lynn

"Are we all ready to give those French a good licking?

Darling: It’s the Germans we’ll be licking, sir.

Melchett: Don’t be ridiculous, Darling. I wouldn’t lick a German if he were glazed in honey!"

love black adder goes forth

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By *uffymayfairCouple
over a year ago

vera playa, Almeria

Infamy infamy they've all got it in for me

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

I’m free!

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By *yron69Man
over a year ago

Fareham

We’re doomed!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This week I 'ave been mostly eating taramasalata!

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By *uffymayfairCouple
over a year ago

vera playa, Almeria

You missed a bit

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By *esmond and Molly JonesCouple
over a year ago

Watford

When Del, Trigger & Denzil turn up at night at the council dump and it's closed.

Del: I thought you said it was open 24 hours a day".

Trigger: "Yeah, but not at night".

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