FabSwingers.com forum: The dynamics of jealousy

By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

Is jealousy a good thing or a bad thing?

Are there dynamics where it’s a positive experience, where it’s vital to a healthy relationship? Is jealousy a destructive force only?

Do you get jealous?

I realise that there are a lot of questions here, I’m not expecting people to answer all of them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't know much but I do know that Lacey_Red is jealous of me spanking one out to Henry Cavill!

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

I am not jealous of the relationships any of my fwbs have. If those relationships started impacting my relationships i would be purturbed and possibly unhappy but i wouldn't call that jealousy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's an instinct emotion that we all experience to different degrees. So the feeling itself is neither good or bad, it just is.

This came up on another thread (by Meli) and I answered that I'm jealous but not possessive. The jealousy I can't control but my reactions I can, and I try to limit any negativity the jealous feelings have on myself or others.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t like the feeling of jealousy but I admit I experience them when I’m in love or am attached to someone. Don’t know if it’s to do with insecurities or what, but jealousy brings a side of me I don’t like… (even tho I try to keep it under control) x

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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"I think it's an instinct emotion that we all experience to different degrees. So the feeling itself is neither good or bad, it just is.

I’m not sure that I agree with your first statement, I don’t think that it is something that we all feel. I think that jealousy is a reaction to fear of loss of something valuable to us, which is often based in insecurity. I also think that lots of people conflate envy with jealousy, when they’re very different things.

You’re right that people can control their own reactions though

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By *not123Couple
over a year ago

sp1

We have both had a spat of jealousy on fab but not let it harm what we have got just reassuring each other sometimes helps. I've recently got jealous finding out p chats with one lady off fab but I've always kept it to fan chat so he can see it all not sure which way is better

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By *affron40Woman
over a year ago

manchester

I find it a tricky one.. I had an open relationship some time ago where it never came up at all. However.. my tastes have definitely changed over the years and these days I have to pretty invested in someone as a human to meet them. So I don’t think I’d cope mentally with that being a casual arrangement.

I don’t know.. I stepped back to contemplate whist I figure it out in my own mind.

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

I think there's a very fine lone between jealousy and envy, and whilst the former almost always is a negative thing, or at least is seen that way, envy needn't never negative.

As Leo said you can't control feelings though, whether they be love, lust, anger, jealousy or anything really - it's how you deal with them and display them which is key.

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

I do not get jealous especially on here but have seen many couples have big fall outs due to jealousy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Everyone has felt jealousy at some point, but jealousy can be a destructive emotion. I'd say I feel envious at times but rarely jealous, there's a big difference i think.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

I don't get jealous and I don't know why.

When my buddy tells me what he's been doing with other women it turns me on; although, I do sometimes wish it was me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've always thought there's two responses to any given situation; an emotive one and a intellectual one. I believe, especially in this life, jealousy is something that is hugely effected by where on that response scale you find yourself in a situation.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

"I think it's an instinct emotion that we all experience to different degrees. So the feeling itself is neither good or bad, it just is.

Perfect response. I think that a lot of people have experienced jealousy in one form of another. Where that's weaponized or the feeling is deliberately provoked in another? Not ok.

I think if people are allowed the space to discuss it, rationalise it without it being a Big Bad through open communication then it's far more likely to be managed successfully.

I've experienced slight jealousy before in a previous relationship, I felt like I wasn't as important when I discovered others (who were casual acquaintances) were given priority over me. That wasn't a fear of loss of something, more a realisation of things.

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By *ily WhiteWoman
over a year ago

I think I'm too laid back to be jealous.

If we're talking specifically this lifestyle, out of relationships I'm all "good on ya, ya studmuffin!"

Within a relationship I'm more "good on ya, ya studmuffin...now come here and let's have some amazingly horny reclaim sex!".

My mindset has always been that you can only be in a relationship if both people want to be there. If one person doesn't, then it's not a relationship...no jealousy needed, at most I will feel a brief pang of envy that someone else is enjoying the good times that I no longer will, but if they want to be with someone else then I wish them every happiness.

I do think that it can be a very destructive emotion, and is often used as a catalyst to direct unpleasant behaviour to the person who is the subject of said jealousy.

I'm not sure if that actually answered any of your questions

But I haven't had a good waffle for a while so I'm going to post it anyway

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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago

Stirling

I often find that jealousy comes from a unrealistic expectation of what a relationship should be like, or insecurity within yourself

I feel some get involved with people who from the outset will advise they see multiple people for example and presume in there mind that they can change that person they then end up inevitably driving them away through overthinking that somehow they aren’t enough and questioning not only there worthiness of being in this persons life but there phyiscal appearance/sexual preferences against what these other people bring to the table for the person they are involved with.

I think people who have a jealous nature often don’t recognise it or they are scared of losing someone they perhaps rely on to mask other issues they haven’t yet dealt with - if you are truly content with yourself and you know your own limits jealousy shouldn’t effect you as you would have established your own worth in the first place.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

Jealousy is a wasted emotion! Not felt it in years! It eats u up x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think it's an instinct emotion that we all experience to different degrees. So the feeling itself is neither good or bad, it just is.

You’re right that people can control their own reactions though"

When I said to different degrees I meant for some it would be minimal or negligible, lucky them!

I'm a pretty secure person (had a loving happy childhood which is the key, I think) but I do experience jealousy in relationships. If someone is precious to us and we rightly value them then isn't it natural to experience some anxiety if we feel we might lose that relationship, whether that is likely or not ? It's arguable that not feeling that way either suggests we don't value them so highly, or we are arrogant enough to believe we are irreplaceable.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It’s an emotion I am still grappling with and I find it the hardest to understand, hence to control. As a result, I try to avoid situations that expose me to it. It is a lazy way of dealing with it; it can leave a person rather hollow not to face up to

It.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

I can feel jealous but it rarely lasts very long. I acknowledge it and deal with it. It's usually due to my own insecurities, so I explain how and why I'm feeling a certain way and then it is dealt with.

I think it's only destructive if you don't acknowledge it and let it fester and eat away at you.

I don't think it is wasted energy personally if you develop and grow from it.

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

I think everyone has experienced jealousy at some point in their life.

It can be a good thing, reaffirms how you feel about someone. However, it can also be a bad thing if the individual cannot control it, it almost takes over their life, thoughts and ultimately can lead to controlling behaviour due to a lack of trust on their part and not necessarily because of what someone has done.

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By *uliette500Woman
over a year ago

Hull

At the moment I only have friends with benefits so jealousy has no place in these relationships. What we get up to when we are not together has no bearing on each other.

If I was in a proper longterm relationship with someone it would be another matter.

I've never been in a swinging relationship where I would class us as a proper couple so it's hard to comment on it in that regard.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am the first to admit, jealousy is something I struggle with. I know where it comes from, it’s from the not good enough, the abandonment/rejection wound.

I call it jealousy, but actually would probably label it fear, because that’s more what it feels like.

I’m not jealous of the actual sex, but of the emotional connection, and the time spent with someone else that I can feel has been taken away from me.

It’s something I’m working on, and am using resources such as ‘The jealousy workbook’ by Kathy Labriola, “Polysecure” by Jessica Fern and ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To answer one of your questions, no, it doesn't have to be negative. From talking to several couples I think jealousy plays a roll in the enjoyment many find in cuckold/cuckqueen relationships and perhaps even in that heightened enjoyment during reclaim sex?

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By *parkle1974Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

I'm only jealous of people with long legs....just so unfair that I was at the end of that queue!!

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

"It’s something I’m working on, and am using resources such as ‘The jealousy workbook’ by Kathy Labriola, “Polysecure” by Jessica Fern and ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine.

The Ethical Slut is not only a brilliant book but it also has a couple of very good chapters on jealousy and coping mechanisms/reevaluation methods.

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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"I think it's an instinct emotion that we all experience to different degrees. So the feeling itself is neither good or bad, it just is.

You’re right that people can control their own reactions though

When I said to different degrees I meant for some it would be minimal or negligible, lucky them!

I can see your point but I think that many people in monogamous relationships see jealousy as a positive, that fearing losing them or not, implies how much that person means to them, where that isn’t the case at all.

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By *ancer36Woman
over a year ago

Stirling

"It’s something I’m working on, and am using resources such as ‘The jealousy workbook’ by Kathy Labriola, “Polysecure” by Jessica Fern and ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine.

The Ethical Slut is not only a brilliant book but it also has a couple of very good chapters on jealousy and coping mechanisms/reevaluation methods."

I second this it’s a brilliant read x

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

I think jealousy can be good, especially if you don’t act on it.

Had a girlfriend once that I just couldn’t feel jealousy for. It was an early red flag for me that I just wasn’t into her.

I’ve also had girlfriends where I let the jealousy get to my head and it ruined the relationship.

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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"To answer one of your questions, no, it doesn't have to be negative. From talking to several couples I think jealousy plays a roll in the enjoyment many find in cuckold/cuckqueen relationships and perhaps even in that heightened enjoyment during reclaim sex?

Mr"

This was one of my thoughts and I’m curious to hear from people who use that dynamic in that way.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It’s something I’m working on, and am using resources such as ‘The jealousy workbook’ by Kathy Labriola, “Polysecure” by Jessica Fern and ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine.

The Ethical Slut is not only a brilliant book but it also has a couple of very good chapters on jealousy and coping mechanisms/reevaluation methods.

I second this it’s a brilliant read x"

Thank you lovely women, I will add that to my list

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree with that. Excellent thread OP, very thoughtful and thought provoking replies.

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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"I think jealousy can be good, especially if you don’t act on it.

Had a girlfriend once that I just couldn’t feel jealousy for. It was an early red flag for me that I just wasn’t into her.

I’ve also had girlfriends where I let the jealousy get to my head and it ruined the relationship. "

Do you think that jealousy equates to strength of feelings in a relationship?

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

"I think jealousy can be good, especially if you don’t act on it.

Had a girlfriend once that I just couldn’t feel jealousy for. It was an early red flag for me that I just wasn’t into her.

I’ve also had girlfriends where I let the jealousy get to my head and it ruined the relationship.

Do you think that jealousy equates to strength of feelings in a relationship? "

Absolutely. But I don’t think it lines up with whether it’s a good relationship or not. If the person is right for you. But it’s definitely a good indicator that you’ve got some strong feelings going on. Whether that’s lust or love needs more investigating

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My husband was jealous of other men to the extent that if they glanced at me, i must know then, or they must be about to try it on

No matter how often i reassured him , he couldn't see through his own induced red mist which would result in anger, shouting and violence.

I couldn't get lifts to work with male colleagues, or spend any time with male colleagues if no one else was there. I couldn't talk about male colleagues or have male friends

I didn't realise how controlling it was until I'd finally left... it took me a long time to relax and not question motivations of my male friends

I think its partly why I'm so hard to get to know on fab

sorry guys, its nothing personal

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"My husband was jealous of other men to the extent that if they glanced at me, i must know then, or they must be about to try it on

No matter how often i reassured him , he couldn't see through his own induced red mist which would result in anger, shouting and violence.

I couldn't get lifts to work with male colleagues, or spend any time with male colleagues if no one else was there. I couldn't talk about male colleagues or have male friends

I didn't realise how controlling it was until I'd finally left... it took me a long time to relax and not question motivations of my male friends

I think its partly why I'm so hard to get to know on fab

sorry guys, its nothing personal "

My ex was the same, you can't wear that it's too revealing someone might look at you. Can't breastfeed in public just in case the list was endless

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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"I think jealousy can be good, especially if you don’t act on it.

Had a girlfriend once that I just couldn’t feel jealousy for. It was an early red flag for me that I just wasn’t into her.

I’ve also had girlfriends where I let the jealousy get to my head and it ruined the relationship.

Do you think that jealousy equates to strength of feelings in a relationship?

I tend to disagree, I think that many people get jealousy tied up with feelings of attachment but jealousy can be a very toxic emotion.

What do you think triggers jealousy in you?

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By *nly4funMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

Jealousy is a topic that goes right to the heart of what is means to be a swinger. I can’t count the number of people who’ve told me they don’t get jealous as they indiscriminately shag their way round the scene only to display all the signs them selves when it’s their other half who is doing the same thing!

Jealousy is the physical expression of your “monkey brain” saying “that’s mine / my stuff, get your hands off!”. It’s insecurity projected toward a person who has something you want or is having someone you consider to be exclusively yours. So, not really compatible with swinging.

We can fight it. And we may win. But that beast is always lurking so we need to be on our guard. And that’s hard to keep up in a permanent relationship. I recommend taking breaks to reconnect if you’re struggling - or giving up the scene if you can’t cope - although reclaim sex can be phenomenal

No shag is worth the loss of the partner.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

"I think jealousy can be good, especially if you don’t act on it.

Had a girlfriend once that I just couldn’t feel jealousy for. It was an early red flag for me that I just wasn’t into her.

I’ve also had girlfriends where I let the jealousy get to my head and it ruined the relationship.

Do you think that jealousy equates to strength of feelings in a relationship?

I tend to disagree, I think that many people get jealousy tied up with feelings of attachment but jealousy can be a very toxic emotion.

What do you think triggers jealousy in you? "

The thought of losing something I really like.

Which is why for me, jealous is a good indicator that I really like this person and I want to keep them around.

But it’s also something I need to curb. Because embracing it and letting it control me will lead to behaviours that will push her away.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think jealousy can be good, especially if you don’t act on it.

Had a girlfriend once that I just couldn’t feel jealousy for. It was an early red flag for me that I just wasn’t into her.

I’ve also had girlfriends where I let the jealousy get to my head and it ruined the relationship.

Do you think that jealousy equates to strength of feelings in a relationship? "

Jealousy *is* one of the feelings in a relationship. It doesn't have any correlation with the strength of other feelings. It is possible to be deeply in love but secure and therefore not jealous. Equally it is possible to have a partner you treat like shit (and therefore clearly don't love whatever you say) and be insanely jealous.

True love is pure. If you absolutely love someone you only want the very best for them, want them to be happy in every way and therefore accept without jealousy if they were happier with someone else. This is obviously almost impossible to achieve.

Jealousy isn't your feelings for someone else, its your feelings for yourself "I want what they're giving to someone else"

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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"I think jealousy can be good, especially if you don’t act on it.

Had a girlfriend once that I just couldn’t feel jealousy for. It was an early red flag for me that I just wasn’t into her.

I’ve also had girlfriends where I let the jealousy get to my head and it ruined the relationship.

Do you think that jealousy equates to strength of feelings in a relationship?

Jealousy isn't your feelings for someone else, its your feelings for yourself "I want what they're giving to someone else"

Mr"

I do agree that jealousy can be a very selfish emotion, it’s about wanting something for yourself and not sharing it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For me, from a personal perspective i remind myself that the other person is not my property... I don't own them and that i want the other person to be as happy as possible and fill their life with experiences and joy

And we spend time together because we both choose to.. Not because we have to

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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"For me, from a personal perspective i remind myself that the other person is not my property... I don't own them and that i want the other person to be as happy as possible and fill their life with experiences and joy

And we spend time together because we both choose to.. Not because we have to "

That’s how we are.

There’s no obligation and we’re both independent individuals who choose to be together. We don’t possess each other, so there’s nothing to be jealous about. It’s wonderful to know that the other person wants to be there, not because they have to be

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Is jealousy a good thing or a bad thing?

Are there dynamics where it’s a positive experience, where it’s vital to a healthy relationship? Is jealousy a destructive force only?

Do you get jealous?

I realise that there are a lot of questions here, I’m not expecting people to answer all of them"

A very destructive emotion, in my humble opinion

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

"I think it's an instinct emotion that we all experience to different degrees. So the feeling itself is neither good or bad, it just is.

This for me too. The jealousy comes out of me trying to protect what we have, rather because I covet what someone else has. If that makes sense? I don’t show it, I just feel it.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

Have you ever felt jealousy OP?

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

Well jealous reads better but I can't edit it so going with jealousy.

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By *atnip make me purrWoman
over a year ago

Reading

There was an interesting post on AITA where a woman persuaded her partner to have an open relationship. Then she became busy at work so didn't take it further then was raging with jealousy when he had a date. Its complex.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Jealousy is poison

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think it's an instinct emotion that we all experience to different degrees. So the feeling itself is neither good or bad, it just is.

What a great way to describe it

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By *onb21Woman
over a year ago

Cardiff

I decided from quite a young age, sometime between 15-16, that jealousy wasn't for me. It always appeared a very destructive emotion to me.

But I wanted to trust my partners and if they committed to me, I wanted to take their word for it. If they misused my trust, then they would not be right for me and that would be the end.

I've also always been open minded and separated sex and love, so the misuse of trust would come from being excluded and lied to, rather than the physical side of what they did if they cheated.

When this happened I would feel let down and hurt but not jealous.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

I don’t think I get jealous, when people do things that would typically make someone jealous, I distance myself and they tend to stop. I don’t think this is the place for jealousy !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think it's an instinct emotion that we all experience to different degrees. So the feeling itself is neither good or bad, it just is.

You’re right that people can control their own reactions though"

No i agree with him, i think it goes waaay back like survival of the fitest, , finding a mate ect.recognising potential or actual loss at a deep level. I'll often recognise I'm jealous and say so, but i break down that feeling. It can be used for good and not so. I also agree with you, it can be, and often is about fear, loss or perceived potential loss, then maybe with out developed brains we think on it, shape it with language. Like i said, survival of the fitest, the risk of extinction, role eqalibrium which has been created.

Hmmm might need to think on this. Bloody good question though jeeves!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I decided from quite a young age, sometime between 15-16, that jealousy wasn't for me. It always appeared a very destructive emotion to me.

But I wanted to trust my partners and if they committed to me, I wanted to take their word for it. If they misused my trust, then they would not be right for me and that would be the end.

I've also always been open minded and separated sex and love, so the misuse of trust would come from being excluded and lied to, rather than the physical side of what they did if they cheated.

When this happened I would feel let down and hurt but not jealous. "

thats applying jelousy to a love commitment type relationship yes? What about other types of jelousy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Is jealousy a good thing or a bad thing?

Are there dynamics where it’s a positive experience, where it’s vital to a healthy relationship? Is jealousy a destructive force only?

Do you get jealous?

I realise that there are a lot of questions here, I’m not expecting people to answer all of them

A very destructive emotion, in my humble opinion "

Is jelousy destructive? Or is the drive to control the feeling destructive?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think jealousy can be good, especially if you don’t act on it.

Had a girlfriend once that I just couldn’t feel jealousy for. It was an early red flag for me that I just wasn’t into her.

I’ve also had girlfriends where I let the jealousy get to my head and it ruined the relationship.

Do you think that jealousy equates to strength of feelings in a relationship?

Jealousy isn't your feelings for someone else, its your feelings for yourself "I want what they're giving to someone else"

I do agree that jealousy can be a very selfish emotion, it’s about wanting something for yourself and not sharing it"

I disagree, I think it's seeing what you want. Maybe something you value and want but didn't realise. I dont think it has to do with sharing. Trust in yourself maybe but not sharing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm not sure if it's a good thing at all. I've never known jealousy to bring positivity into my life. I already know I've got it good with my partner and that I'm fortunate in many ways, I don't need to feel jealous to know that.

I've definitely been jealous in the past and I've broke at some points and let that ugly side come out, but it's something I mostly deal with myself and I always take responsibility for it. I'd never purposely blame or hurt another person because of how I feel. I know I'm the one who is unreasonable and that's something I am always happy to admit.

I think people often get confused when it comes to jealousy vs envy too... but both aren't good imo although I think envy can motivate you sometimes which is a positive I suppose?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm not sure if it's a good thing at all. I've never known jealousy to bring positivity into my life. I already know I've got it good with my partner and that I'm fortunate in many ways, I don't need to feel jealous to know that.

I think people often get confused when it comes to jealousy vs envy too... but both aren't good imo although I think envy can motivate you sometimes which is a positive I suppose?

Good shout re envy v jelousy

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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"Is jealousy a good thing or a bad thing?

Are there dynamics where it’s a positive experience, where it’s vital to a healthy relationship? Is jealousy a destructive force only?

Do you get jealous?

I realise that there are a lot of questions here, I’m not expecting people to answer all of them

A very destructive emotion, in my humble opinion

Is jelousy destructive? Or is the drive to control the feeling destructive?"

I think they both can be - more so the former though.

If you're trying to control it, you have essentially recognised it for what it is which isn't necessarily a bad thing, and can actually be positive if you do manage to rein it in, or see a way past it - it's when it's allowed to fester and linger that it can be destructive - though that can come from overthinking it, in trying to control it too

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By *uenevereWoman
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

"Is jealousy a good thing or a bad thing?

Are there dynamics where it’s a positive experience, where it’s vital to a healthy relationship? Is jealousy a destructive force only?

Do you get jealous?

I realise that there are a lot of questions here, I’m not expecting people to answer all of them"

I think jealousy is fairly normal for most people, it's the way they deal with it that matters.

I don't seem to feel jealous. It was something that I thought might be an issue when we first started swinging, but it isn't.

Being aware of your partners needs and feelings and putting your relationship first matters though. We both do this.

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