FabSwingers.com forum: Jokes Jokes Jokes.

By *lut and sir OP Couple
over a year ago

Northampton

Stuck at work and need a laugh..

Best 1 liners. Cheezy chat ups, terrible dad jokes, those that are so bad there good, and crap that makes you chuckle

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By *lut and sir OP Couple
over a year ago

Northampton

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things

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By *an4funMan
over a year ago

london

A bird shat on my windscreen last night.

That's the last time I take her out anywhere

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Heard 1 last night

Why did the turtle cross the dance floor ?

To get to the bar

Shite I know but that's all ya getting for now

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By *isteaMan
over a year ago

Around

My Ex sent me a video of she and her new man having sex to hurt me.

I sent it to her dad.

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By *an4funMan
over a year ago

london

"Heard 1 last night

Why did the turtle cross the dance floor ?

To get to the bar

Shite I know but that's all ya getting for now

Oi oi! I do the turtle jokes around here

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My Ex sent me a video of she and her new man having sex to hurt me.

I sent it to her dad."

Hahaha

1 of mine tried this crack, said she was going to fuck my mate and ring me whilst they are at it, I asked if she'd mind if I hid in the wardrobe

She didn'tike the come back

They never like the come back

Hated for life but they can't help but love me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A bird shat on my windscreen last night.

That's the last time I take her out anywhere"

Hahahaha!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Heard 1 last night

Why did the turtle cross the dance floor ?

To get to the bar

Shite I know but that's all ya getting for now

Oi oi! I do the turtle jokes around here"

I was thinking about you whilst writing it, I was going to do the tradition chicken but there's no fun in a chicken

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By *ambo810Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

What do donkeys in Blackpool get for lunch?

45 minutes same as everyone else

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By *an4funMan
over a year ago

london

"Heard 1 last night

Why did the turtle cross the dance floor ?

To get to the bar

Shite I know but that's all ya getting for now

Oi oi! I do the turtle jokes around here

I was thinking about you whilst writing it, I was going to do the tradition chicken but there's no fun in a chicken

I'm sure I could get plenty of fun out of a chicken.

Did I just say that out loud

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Does it count as polyamorous if, as well as having a girlfriend, you’ve also fingered a parrot?

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Q: Why do women pierce their bellybutton?

A: Place to hang their air freshener.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Warning for the ladies: If your birthday is on Valentine’s Day, the postman probably thinks you’re a bit of a slag

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By *isteaMan
over a year ago

Around

"Q: Why do women pierce their bellybutton?

A: Place to hang their air freshener.

About the pussy to smell fresh.. Damn hahaha #jokes

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By *adbury girlWoman
over a year ago

Lanarkshire

"A bird shat on my windscreen last night.

That's the last time I take her out anywhere"

Thought that was our secret

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've just found out my best friend is gay

I was sucking his dick and it tasted like shit....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He is a good friend, I was ill one day and he visited a prostitute and got 2 blowjobs and came back and gave me 1

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Bill Gates farted in an apple store and stank up the entire place......

But it´s their own fault for not having windows!

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Q: What's Blonde and dead in a closet?

A: The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995!

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By *inister_SpinsterWoman
over a year ago

Manchester(ish).

What's brown and sticky???

A stick.

What's red and sticky???

A bonfire....

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night!

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By *lut and sir OP Couple
over a year ago

Northampton

Hahahaha omg just logged back on, and these jokes are killing me

Keep them comming boys and girl.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 30/06/21 21:08:22]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

google is a woman

Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to an archeology party the other day where everyone was looking for the remains of a lower leg.

It was quite the shindig.

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By *he Knight is YoungMan
over a year ago

22 Acacia Ave, Preston-for now

I went to a swingers party last night...

They put their keys into a bowl and then the we picked a set of keys each to find out who we would be going home with...

I got the shed

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

I'm great at multitasking....

I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife kicked me out the house because I kept mis-quoting the Terminator films. But don't worry... I will return

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A dyslexic pimp bought a warehouse...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Who's the nicest person in a hospital

The ultrasound guy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a women and mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

I threw a ball for my dog...

It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket!

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By *exy Two-Shoes40Man
over a year ago

bolton

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman gave birth to identical twins she named them "Whan" and "Amall"

She couldn't keep them so put them up for adoption

21 years later she gets a pic from Whan

She said to her hubby look how gorgeous he's turned out eh ...pity I can't get a pic of other one

Her hubby says we'll "if you've seen Whan you've seen Amall

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you're looking for a quiet place to sleep, then the opponents goal in an England match is good. (Generally)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you're looking for a quiet place to sleep, then the opponents goal in an England match is good. (Generally) "

Or you can make up the spare bedroom for the ball. I'm sure you know why that is

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By *andRCouple
over a year ago

barry

Why do elephants paint their toe nails different colours ? .

To hide in tubes of Smarties of course.

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By *andRCouple
over a year ago

barry

Have you ever seen an elephant in a tube of Smarties. ???

It's a good disguise isn't it.

Xx G

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By *andRCouple
over a year ago

barry

Why do elephants paint their testicles red ??

To hide in cherry trees of course.

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By *andRCouple
over a year ago

barry

What is the loudest noise heard in Africa???

Giraffes eating cherries.

Xx G

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By *heRazorsEdgeMan
over a year ago

Wales/ All over UK

Why do elephants have 4 feet?

They’d be useless with only six inches…

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By *ndecidedjMan
over a year ago

barton le clay/Harrow

Bob has no arms

Knock knock?

Who's there?

It's not Bob.

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By *heRazorsEdgeMan
over a year ago

Wales/ All over UK

"What is the loudest noise heard in Africa???

Giraffes eating cherries.

Xx G "

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By *andRCouple
over a year ago

barry

"Bob has no arms

Knock knock?

Who's there?

It's not Bob. "

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By *andRCouple
over a year ago

barry

"Why do elephants have 4 feet?

They’d be useless with only six inches…"

Aha a fellow elephant joker. Love it.

What is grey and comes in pints. ???

Yep it's an elephant.

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By *andRCouple
over a year ago

barry

What should you do if when exploring Africa you see a herd of elephants coming over a hill. ???

Start swimming.

Xx G

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are there no pain killers in the jungle?

Because the Parrots-eat-em-all

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By *wig1963Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Thor the thunder god gets bored with his god like status asks the main man Odin if he can be like us down on earth after a lot of persuasion the main hombre says ok but on condition that if after 24 hrs whoever you are are with got to be honest ok he says down with us he goes gets to a club that night having a great time meets a stunning girl she's got a bad lisp.hit it off goes back to her place end up fucking all night him being super god a bit more wakes up the next morning knackered she's whacked goes to the toilet 30 mins to go fuck got to be honest shouts Sally got to tell you something what she says says I am Thor she shouts your Thor I'm that tor I can hardly pee

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I threw (what I thought was) a funny one into the forum earlier. Will bump it now...

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

A security guard stopped me as I walked out of Tesco this morning.

"I believe you've got a bottle of champagne inside your jacket," he said, "Would you mind opening it for me?"

"Not at all," I replied, "Have you got a couple of glasses?"

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

A surgeon said “relax Peter it just a small operation “ I said “my name is not Peter “ he said “I know mine is”.

Last time I’m using toilet water to freshen up.

Seat fell on my head.

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

Marriage is like a card game. At the start you have two hearts and a diamond but at the end you just want a club and a spade.

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"Marriage is like a card game. At the start you have two hearts and a diamond but at the end you just want a club and a spade. "

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By *r happyMan
over a year ago

coleshill

It's a big draw back isn't it

An elephants forskin

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You know what I haven't come across lately, someone named lance? What about you? I find it quite strange. Because in medieval times you used to find the name.......... lancealot.

Such a dad joke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One time I got a concussion from being punched in the temple. Mind you it was probably my own fault for calling the Rabbi a cunt

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you get a homeless woman pregnant?

Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

"How do you get a homeless woman pregnant?

Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest"

Wow.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to the local nightclub last night , they played the Twist and I did the twist , next they played Jump and I jumped about , then they played Come on Eileen, was thrown out after that .

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By *rispyDuckMan
over a year ago

Chinese Takeaway near you

How do you count cows?

With a 'cowculator'

Terrible I know haha

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By * Plus ECouple
over a year ago

The South

Where do you go to weigh a whale?

At a whaleway station....

Apologies to all for that.

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By *ionelhutzMan
over a year ago

liverpool

"Went to the local nightclub last night , they played the Twist and I did the twist , next they played Jump and I jumped about , then they played Come on Eileen, was thrown out after that .

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By *ionelhutzMan
over a year ago

liverpool

"How do you get a homeless woman pregnant?

Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest"

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By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original

I'll repeat one from the 'bottled water"thread ..because it's funny.

"If you hold an opened bottle of water to your ear,you can hear sound of marketing men laughing their heads off."

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By * Plus ECouple
over a year ago

The South

"I'll repeat one from the 'bottled water"thread ..because it's funny.

"If you hold an opened bottle of water to your ear,you can hear sound of marketing men laughing their heads off.""

When drinking a bottle of Evian, look through the bottle to the inside or back of the label, see what Evian now spells.....

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By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original

A very tall guy asked me for directions...he looked like a goalkeeper so I sent him the wrong way

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By *aysOfOurLivesCouple
over a year ago

Essex

"My Ex sent me a video of she and her new man having sex to hurt me.

I sent it to her dad."

I do hope you're jooing 'cos that's revenge porn and illegal. She may well have the last laugh if she presses charges.

...and back to the giggles now folks

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Paul.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Paul

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By *hesblokeMan
over a year ago

Derbyshire village

"Where do you go to weigh a whale?

At a whaleway station....

Apologies to all for that.

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere, over the rainbow!

Sorry.

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By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original

"I always wanted 3 kids ....

now I've got two,

I only want one"

(Lee Mack)

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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

There was a young woman called Grace

Who's corsets would no longer lace

"There's more in your belly"

Said her mother, Nellie

"Than ever went in through your face".

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By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original

Since Brexit,all French words have become passé

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My friend called . He’s gf left him !! Took he’s tv remote and he’s Bob Marley cd …… no woman no sky

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Heard 1 last night

Why did the turtle cross the dance floor ?

To get to the bar

Shite I know but that's all ya getting for now

Oi oi! I do the turtle jokes around here

I was thinking about you whilst writing it, I was going to do the tradition chicken but there's no fun in a chicken

I'm sure I could get plenty of fun out of a chicken.

Did I just say that out loud"

Hahahahahahaha

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

Yesterday I bought an old Elvis record from the market, Wooden Leg.

I said to the stallholder "I always thought it was Wooden Heart?"

"Yeah," he said " but this is a pirate version".

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By *ed-monkeyCouple
over a year ago

Hailsham

A friend of mine asked me if I would stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe ...

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By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original

"A friend of mine asked me if I would stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe ..."

Very cromulent

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Heard 1 last night

Why did the turtle cross the dance floor ?

To get to the bar

Shite I know but that's all ya getting for now

Oi oi! I do the turtle jokes around here"

I'm pretty new here, but the one thing I do know is Dan likes turtles.

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By * Plus ECouple
over a year ago

The South

I've just finished a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

The first couple of chapters were hard going, but by the end I loved it.

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By *DN_1982Man
over a year ago

London

"A bird shat on my windscreen last night.

That's the last time I take her out anywhere"

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By *ilverjagMan
over a year ago

swansea

How do you circumcise a whale?

With fore skin divers.

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By *1c4yMan
over a year ago

stourbridge

A woman buys a wall mirror from B&Q.

The attendant says "Would you like a screw for that?"

She replies "No, but I"d suck your cock for a Lawnmower!"

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By * Plus ECouple
over a year ago

The South

My friend drowned, at her funeral we got a wreathe in the shape of a lifebelt.

It's what she would have wanted....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A bird shat on my windscreen last night.

That's the last time I take her out anywhere"

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By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original

I telephoned the "Tinnitus helpline"...

It just kept ringing

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By *lut and sir OP Couple
over a year ago

Northampton

What kind of bees make milk?

Boo-bees.

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