FabSwingers.com forum: The ballad of Barry and Freda

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Freda and Barry sat one night

The sky was clear, the stars were bright

The wind was soft, the moon was up

Freda drained her cocoa cup.

She licked her lips she felt sublime!

She switched off Gardener's Question Time

Barry Cringed in fear and dread

As Freda Grabbed his tie and said:

Let's do it, let's do it, do it while the mood is right!

I'm feeling, appealing,

I've really got an appetite.

I'm on fire

With desire-

I could handle half the tennors in a male voice choir.

Let's do it, let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it, I can't do it,

I don't believe in too much sex

This fashion

For passion

Turns us into nervous wrecks.

No derision,

My decision:

I'd rather watch the Spinners on the television.

I can't do it, I can't do it tonight.

So she said

Let's do it, let's do it, do it till our hearts go boom

Go native,

Creative,

Living in the living room.

This folly

For jolly;

Bend me backwards on me hostess trolley!

Let's do it, let's do it tonight.

But he said

I can't do it, I can't do it, my heavy-breathing days are gone.

I'm older, feel colder;

It's other things that turn me on.

I'm inploring-

I'm boring-

Let me read this catalogue on vinyl flooring!

I can't do it, I can't do it tonight.

Then she said

Let's do it, let's do it, have a crazy night of love!

I'll strip bare,

I'll just wear

Stilettos and an oven glove!

Don't starve a girl of a palaver,

Dangle from the wardrobe in your balaclava.

Let's do it, let's do it tonight!

But he said

I can't do it, I can't do it,

I know ill only get it wrong.

Don't angle

For me to dangle,

My arms have never been that strong;

Stop pouting!

Stop shouting-

You know I pulled a muscle when I did that grouting.

I can't do it, I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it, let's do it, share a night of wild romance!

Frenetic,

Poetic, this could be your last big chance!

To quote Milton,

To eat stilton,

To roll with gay abandon on the tufted wilton!

Let's do it, let's do it tonight!

I can't do it, I can't do it,

I've got other little jobs on hand.

Don't grouse

Around the house

I've got a busyt evening planned.

Stop nagging!

I'm flagging;

You know as well as i do that the pipes want lagging.

I can't do it, I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it, let's do it, while I'm really in The mood...

Three cheers!

It's years

Since I caught you even semi-nude.

Get drasitic,

Gymnastic-

Wear your baggy Y-fronts with the loose elastic but

Let's do it, Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it, I can't do it,

I must refuse to get undressed

I feel silly.

It's to chilly

To go with out my thermal vest.

Don't choose me,

Don't use me

My mother sent a note to say you must excuse me.

I can't do it, I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it, let's do it, I really apsolutly must.

I won't exempt you,

Want to temp you,

Want to drive you mad with lust.

No contortions:

Smear an avocado on my lower portions!

Let's do it, let's do it tonight!

I can't do it, I can't do it,

It's really not my cup of tea;

I'm harassed,

Embarrassed;

I wish you hadn't picked on me.

No barter —

A non-starter;

I feel about as sensuous as Jimmy Carter

I can't do it, can't do it tonight.

Let's do it, let's do it, I really want to run amock!

Let's wriggle!

Let's jiggle!

Let's really make the rafters rock!

Be mighty,

Be flighty come and melt the buttons on my flame-proof nightie!

Let's do it, let's do it tonight!

Let's do it, let's do it, I really want to rant and rave!

Let's go,

Cos i know just

Just how you want to behave:

Not bleakly,

Not meekly-

Beat me on the bottom with the Woman's weekly-

Let's do it, let's do it tonight!

Thank you Victoria Wood.