FabSwingers.com forum: Best jokes ….

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Tell me your best jokes please. The more ‘Daddish’ the better

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Most of my jokes are about premature ejaculation, I just can’t hold them back!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not dadish but always makes me laugh

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"These cunts won't let me fart".

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Most of my jokes are about premature ejaculation, I just can’t hold them back!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Not dadish but always makes me laugh

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"These cunts won't let me fart"."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you get if you cross a Jehovahs Witness and a Millwall Supporter ?

Someone who knocks on your door and tells you to fuck off.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rick Astley came to my house the other night and asked if he could borrow a few Disney dvds ..

I said you borrow frozen 1 and 2, But I'm never gonna give you UP!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some threw a grenade at me the other day that had the alphabet written on it!

I thought that will spell disaster!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wondering who gave you a card on Valentine’s Day = good!

Wondering who sent you a card on Father’s Day = bad!

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By *ung fun walesMan
over a year ago

up the road

Do you know the last thing my farther said to me before he kicked the bucket?

"Son, watch how far I can kick this bucket."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the stadium get hot after the game ?

Because all the fans left !

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

Following, my eldest loved your baboon joke the other week OP

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went for a job in a mirror factory.

They asked me why I wanted to work there ?

I said it's a job I can see myself doing!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Piece of string walks into a bar. The barman says sorry we don't serve string in here !

The piece of string walks out ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up! Then walks back in.

The barman says I thought I told you we don't serve string here.

The string says sorry, I'm afraid Not!

(Frayed knot)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw a man in the street making words out of the letter TH .. he then started throwing them at me!

I managed to avoid THIS & THEIR But I didn't see THAT! Coming !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man goes to doctors.

Puts dick on desk.

Doctor asks what's wrong with that?

Man says fuck all it's a cracker

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By *ensuallover1000Man
over a year ago

Somewhere In The Ether…

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff

(My apologies, but you did stipulate dad jokes)

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Loving all these. Keep them coming please

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Love this thread great idea

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What goes click click "have I done it" click click

Stevie Wonder with a Rubix Cube

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to the doctors with a steering wheel down my pants.

He said why have you got a steering wheel down your pants.

I said i don't know but its driving mi nuts!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Loving all these. Keep them coming please

Talking of coming.... what flies across the sky at a 1000 miles an hour?

The cumming of the Lord

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By *1c4yMan
over a year ago

stourbridge

As I put another log on the fire last night I thought...

“Really need to get that toilet fixed.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a belt made out of watches ?

A waist if time!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you make holy water ?

You boil the hell out of it !

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By *1c4yMan
over a year ago

stourbridge

I feel really guilty crushing up pills and putting them in my nans dinner....

But I'd feel even more guilty if I got her pregnant.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are snakes hard to fool?

They have no legs to pull.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A broke sailor returns to port desperate for a shag.

He gets pointed to the local brothel and asks the madam at the door what can I get for a fiver?

She looks him up and down, tuts and takes his money.

You go all the way to the top and at the end of the corridor that's yours for 20 minutes.

So he hurries up the stairs and down the corridor past spiders webs with dim lighting he knocks on the door.

' come in dear ' a voice breaks and to his horror is a granny rocking in her chair knitting a jumper.

'oh good, I like sailors' and she starts getting undressed.

The sailor is notified but she reminds him all transactions are final.

So In he goes and quickly he pulls out.

'god your all dry and horrible' he cries.

She asks him to leave and come back in when she calls.

Five minutes later he goes back in and this time she's like a fresh pussy all silky smooth.

When times up he asks how did she do that?

Granny replies ' I picked the scabs and let the pus run'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I stayed up all night once to see where the sun went!

Then it dawned on me!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two satellite dishes get married.

The wedding was rubbish but the reception was amazing!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I just ate a frozen apple .

Now that's hardcore!

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By *ofdiamondsMan
over a year ago

Coningsby

My friend thinks he's a chocolate orange so we had to have him sectioned.

Poor Terry

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

London sometimes

A tortoise is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Quote from British Horse Society radio 5...

"Please do not ignore the signs... even if they're not there."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I asked the waitress

" Can I ask about the menu please "

she said

" They're none of your business"!

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By *LiamMan
over a year ago

Midlands

"Tell me your best jokes please. The more ‘Daddish’ the better

Why did the squirrel get stuck in the ground?

Because he buried his nuts

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

London sometimes

I played in the Pearl and Dean corporate golf day once...

I scored par par par par par par par par par par par...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's green and goes backwards at 400 mph??

Sniff

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do we want....

hearing aids....

when do you want 'em ...

hearing aids

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's pink and hard as fuck?

A pig with a flick knife

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do u call a deer with no eyes?

I have absolutely no eye deer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to get a prostrate exam the other day. Doctor asked me to get undressed, feeling a bit nervous about the whole thing, I decided to break the tension and asked where should I hang my trousers? I was not expecting him to say next to mine

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 17/07/21 14:30:44]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Last hotel room I stayed in it said "the porn channel is disabled" on the TV.

I thought "Blimey, that's a bit specialist"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

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By *mTheMrJMan
over a year ago

Barry

What do you call a French sandal maker?

Phillipe Phillop

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ahh, more jokes! I need them today

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My favourite:

I once went to an archeology party where everyone was looking for the remains of a lower leg. It was quite the shindig

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My favourite:

I once went to an archeology party where everyone was looking for the remains of a lower leg. It was quite the shindig"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a breed of magical dog ...labracadabra

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a lorry full of babies and a lorry full of marbles?

Can't unload marbles with a pitchfork..

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What do you call a breed of magical dog ...labracadabra

Did you steal my joke form this morning

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call a breed of magical dog ...labracadabra

Did you steal my joke form this morning

"
I thought I saw it somewhere before ... ooops lol

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By *lydeXXXMan
over a year ago

Doncaster

I was stood behind a little old lady at a cash machine this morning, she turned around and asked if I could help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do u call a deer with no eyes?

I have absolutely no eye deer. "

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs…..still no idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs or cock? Still no f*cking idea

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By *apden75Man
over a year ago

dundee

A packet of tunes ( the cough sweets) is in a bar, telling everyone how tough they are and challenging any other sweets to a fight.

The bar door opens and a packet of Lockets walks in , the packet of tunes hides under the table. The packet of Lockets has a drink and leaves, the packet of tunes comes from under the table and when asked why he was hiding says, I am tough but them Lockets are menthol (mental)

* gets jacket

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and quickly apologise.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.

I hope it's Barry - he's super cute.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands.

If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So, there has been a new study, and it turns out that the least sexy place a woman can get a tattoo…is Croydon

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.

I hope it's Barry - he's super cute."

Current statistics suggest that we all live within 100 yards of a paedophile.

Not me I live next to 3 sexy 15yr olds..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How do you make holy water ?

You boil the hell out of it !"

Where are you getting these from!

I bloody love dad jokes!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

3 pieces of tarmac are sitting in a bar. Trying to impress the barman. 1st piece says see me. I'm part of the M8. Im as hard as fuck, I have thousands of cars and lorries running over me every day and I don't feel a fucking thing.

2nd piece turns and says. That's fuck all. I'm a piece of Prestwick airport. The biggest runway in scotland I've got commercial and military planes landing on me every single day without an issue.

3rd piece says well fuck u both I'm a piece of Heathrow the busiest runway in Britain. I eat jumbo jets for breakfast.

At this point a piece of red tarmac walks into the bar. All 3 suddenly go deathly quiet until the red tarmac leaves.

Bar man asks in an inquisitive manner.

Thought u 3 were as hard as fuck? U went quiet there when he walked in.

All 3 at same time. Aye he's a fuckin cycle path.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Viz crap joke: robbers stealing a urinal

Someone shouts: Stop them they’re taking the piss.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an Irish man lying on the floor? MATT

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Viz crap joke: robbers stealing a urinal

Someone shouts: Stop them they’re taking the piss."

Gets worse, someone robbed the toilet seats out of a police station the other day. Police are still investigating but currently they have nothing to go on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a man with no shins….

Tony

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By *aylonMan
over a year ago

Balham

Default joke:

I dont really have a joke, but there's one thing I hate about Halloween which is...

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By *trong Stocky Butt SweetMan
over a year ago

SNottingham

Q: Why was the pirate not successful on Tinder?

A: They couldn't tell whether he was blinking or winking!

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Tonbridge

I went to a book shop and asked where the self help section is. They said if they told me that it would defeat the object.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A dick has it rough.

Not only are his closest friends nuts, but his backdoor neighbor’s an asshole. And if that weren’t enough, he regularly takes a beating

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A girl came up to me in a bar - short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a pony tail. "What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed.

"I'd say 'neither am I'."

She raised her eyebrows. "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips, "easy access..."

"Oh?" I replied. "I've got none on because I shat myself in the gents

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yesterday I made a Belgian Waffle... tomorrow I'm gonna make a Frenchnan cry

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and approach’s the girl hi my name is bond & the girl said James Bond the guy says no uni bond I’m here to fill your crack up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why was the washing machine in trouble?

It took the piss out of the knickers

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A girl came up to me in a bar - short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a pony tail. "What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed.

"I'd say 'neither am I'."

She raised her eyebrows. "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips, "easy access..."

"Oh?" I replied. "I've got none on because I shat myself in the gents"

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By *heMightySpud69Man
over a year ago

Milton keynes

Why did the rabbit cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've just accidentally eaten a load of scrabble tiles.

I'll be OK, but the next trip to the toilet might spell disaster.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s big silver shiny and stands at the end of your bed taking the piss out of you?

A dialysis machine……

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Why did the rabbit cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken"

This made me laugh out loud

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've just accidentally eaten a load of scrabble tiles.

I'll be OK, but the next trip to the toilet might spell disaster.

And this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the cheese say to the mirror?

Halloumi!

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

What did the fish say when he hit the wall?

Dam.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I converted my old banger into an Electric car using the motor from my washing machine. It wouldn't start at first, but that was because I hadn't closed the door properly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Got one for you!

What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeño business!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not mine but made me chuckle because how bad it is:

Dated a girl once that was crossed eyed. It didn’t last very long as we couldn’t see eye to eye. To be honest I think she was seeing someone on the side lol.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats white and can't climb trees?

A fridge

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the ship containing red paint crashing into the ship with blue paint? The ships we're fine but the crew were marooned

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's got 2 legs and bleeds?

Half a dog

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an Asian inside a milk bottle?

Ramdin

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats the difference between a apple and a orphan.??

The apple got picked

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I feel really guilty crushing up pills and putting them in my nans dinner....

But I'd feel even more guilty if I got her pregnant."
oooo naughty but I did laugh my arse off at Ur Jimmy car style joke

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle

My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out ‘One, George Clooney; two, Brad Pitt; three, Justin Timberlake; four, Jake Gyllenhaal; five, Johnny Depp.’ I thought, I’ve got the better deal here: ‘One, your sister…’”

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

What's brown and sticky?

A stick...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what do you call a sheep with no legs?

a cloud

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk...

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By *trong Stocky Butt SweetMan
over a year ago

SNottingham

Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I have no idea but it hurt like hell!"

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

An Englishman, an Irishman and an American are drinking on top of the Empire State building.

The American says to the Irishman "Hey, did you know if you jump off you fly right around the building and land straight back on the top? Something to do with 'updrafts'."

The Irishman replies "Feck off...if it's true you do it first".

The American jumps off, flies around the building and lands right back on the top. "See?" he replies, "I told you so."

The Irishman says "Roight, I'm going next." He takes a deep breath and jumps...

"Argggggh...feck....noooooo..." **SPLAT**

The Englishman turns to the American and says "Fuck me, you're a bastard when you're d*unk, Superman..."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Onky because I told someone this yesterday day.

What’s UB40s favourite breakfast??

Cherry oh baby

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By *oldyoudown41Man
over a year ago

Winchester

There was a young man from Mauritius who said that he’s last Fuck was delicious, but the next time I’ll cum till be in your bum , cause the scab on your (C U Next Tuesday) was suspicious

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

These are brilliant

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By *oldyoudown41Man
over a year ago

Winchester

Pour Marti Pellow of wet wet wet ,

Suffering for arthritis, he said when it starter he felt it in he’s fingers and in he’s toes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Pour Marti Pellow of wet wet wet ,

Suffering for arthritis, he said when it starter he felt it in he’s fingers and in he’s toes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There was a young man from Mauritius who said that he’s last Fuck was delicious, but the next time I’ll cum till be in your bum , cause the scab on your (C U Next Tuesday) was suspicious

"
brilliant

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What kind of Bees produce milk?

Boobees

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By *oldyoudown41Man
over a year ago

Winchester

[Removed by poster at 06/08/21 11:40:46]

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By *oldyoudown41Man
over a year ago

Winchester

Me: Went to the Doctor yesterday with a pain in my right arm , I said doctor it hurts when I do this (lifts arm) , Doctor: don’t do it then

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two wind turbines in a field. One says to the other "what’s your favourite kind of music?“

"Oh I’m I’m a big metal fan.“ he replied

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an expert fisherman?

A Master Baiter

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By *ge_load_ladMan
over a year ago

NW & Mids

Whats the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why is a broken drum the best birthday present....

You just can't beat it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Why is a broken drum the best birthday present....

You just can't beat it."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Great thread, top jokes !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've had enough of beaded door fly screens salesmen...I told them to get knotted

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By *aekaeWoman
over a year ago

Between a cock and a soft place

A skeleton walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "What can I get you?"

The skeleton replies, "I'll have a beer please...................and a mop"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Great thread, top jokes !

I love a dad joke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band , but had to leave.

Was just one ting after another

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 06/08/21 13:02:42]

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I used to play the triangle in a reggae band , but had to leave.

Was just one ting after another

I’m going to be stealing some of these

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By *oldyoudown41Man
over a year ago

Winchester

Hickory Dickory Dock the mouse ran up the clock ,

The mouse came down he’s arse was brown and so was the cuckoos cock

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hickory Dickory Dock the mouse ran up the clock ,

The mouse came down he’s arse was brown and so was the cuckoos cock

Shit joke.

Literally

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off!

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with?

She said, “Yes, the others were at least a seven or an eight”

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Keep em coming

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man on an international flight is desperate for the loo. They're all occupied but 1 of the female toilets. He asks the stewardess if he can quickly use the bathroom. The stewardess is quite reluctant to let him use it but as the man crosses his legs and pleads with her, she agrees to let him in. She warns him that no matter what, he is not allowed to push the red button.

He agrees and heads into the bathroom. While sitting there, he sees 3 buttons....a blue button, a grey button and a red button. The stewardess never said he wasnt allowed to push these so he tried the blue 1 first. A lovely squoosh of water sprays his bum and he finds it rather pleasant. He then moves onto the grey button and receives a lovely puff of warm air to dry his bum.

He then wonders what could possibly be so bad about pressing the red button?! After a bit of thought, he thinks "fuck it" and goes for it.

Everything goes black and next thing he knows, he wakes up in A&E 2 days later with a cross looking stewardess by his side! He asks her what happened. She says, "you pushed the red button, didnt you?" He replies with, "yeah, I'm so sorry but I just couldnt help myself.....what did it do?" The stewardess replies, "it was the fucking automatic tampon remover!!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac ?

He used to lie awake every night wondering if there really was a dog !

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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

And old guy is stopped by the police at 1am and is asked where he is going at that time of the night.

The man replies, "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving a lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife!"

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By *emma HoldenTV/TS
over a year ago

Ramsey

Oh the grand old duke of York, he had ten thousand men......

And his case comes to court next Tuesday.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

why did god give woman legs?have you ever seen the mess a snail makes

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By *1c4yMan
over a year ago

stourbridge

A 9 year old girl has gone missing after using anti ageing cream that makes you look 10 years younger ....

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By *ayjay218Man
over a year ago

Aberdeen

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa

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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

I met an older woman in the pub last night. She looked great for a 63 year old, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We had a drink and a snuggle, then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome", she replied. I excitedly said I hadn't, but would love ton

We drank a bit more and then she says tonight is my lucky night and asked me back to her place.

She opened her door, put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mum, are you still awake?"

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By *argoyleMan
over a year ago

dudley

From Quora:-

A woman who has been very sexually active tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her

vaginal lips reduced in size because they're too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insists that the surgery be kept a secret - and of course the surgeon agrees to keep her privacy strictly confidential..

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, the woman finds 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.

"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon calmy reassures her that he had carried out her wish for confidentiality.

He explains that the first rose was from him because, "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse", he says. "She assisted me in the surgery and empathized with you because she had the same procedure done a few years ago, and knew what you were going through."

"And what about the third rose?", asked the woman.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac ?

He used to lie awake every night wondering if there really was a dog ! "

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. One says "Ooo I've never come this way before"

The other replies "I'm not surprised, there's roadworks and a diversion"

Bernard Righton at his best.

https://youtu.be/BxFqv1QDI3Q

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an escort with no arms and no legs

Cash and carry

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By *P994Man
over a year ago

Travelling

Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy

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By *og-ManMan
over a year ago

somewhere

A cowboy rides into town, dismounts, walks around the back of his horse, lifts its tail, puckers his lips and kisses it. Right on its arse hole.

Goes into bar, orders a beer. Barman serves, asks about the kiss

"Chapped lips"

"Does that cure them?"

"No. Stops me licking them"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So I can't spell armugedun....it's not the end of the world.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I love that this thread keeps popping back up and making me giggle

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Little girl run in after school mum mum what's a cock

Mum the best part of your dad

Next day

Little girl runs in mum mum what's a cunt

Mum the rest of him

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I met my future wife on fabswingers a few years ago....one of you ladies should be very worried..or grateful

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Are you allowed to do a loud laugh in Hawaii?

Or can you only do a low ha?

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By *ryitonce6978Man
over a year ago

visiting Lancaster area - daytime 8th June

Poo jokes aren't my favourite,

But they are solid number 2.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Poo jokes aren't my favourite,

But they are solid number 2."

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By *ryitonce6978Man
over a year ago

visiting Lancaster area - daytime 8th June

Did you hear about the award winning scarecrow?

He was outstanding in his field.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Haven't seen it on here but may have missed it? Joke from when I was kid: a toupee & a turd walk into a bar, barman refuses them "why"they ask? "because your off your head & your mates steaming? The kid in me still chuckles

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Scottish, English and Irish man in a bar , English stand up and says that's the wife pregnant and the due dates on St George day and being a true English man the boys getting called George, Scottish guy says that's a belter , my wife's pregnant too and our due date is on St Andrews day so I'm calling the wee man Andrew, Irish guy stands up and says my wife's just had or wee baby and I'm telling you now boys , wee pancakes going to love this story .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve just found out I’m colour blind…….came right out of the purple

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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

I bought some Olympic condoms. They were gold, silver and bronze. The girlfriend asked me to wear the silver ones, as she wanted me to come second for a change!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What is E.T. short for?

Be sure he's only got little legs.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Tell me your best jokes please. The more ‘Daddish’ the better

It was late at night, I was sat in my lounge, reading the newspaper. It was dark outside and I was expecting no visitors. I had turned off the telly after watching the News at Ten. I was slowly drifting.

Suddenly, I noticed a tap on the window.

I thought to myself -

Crikey, I'm not getting that plumber in again!

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By *hom01Man
over a year ago

Stockport

I always wondered why frisbees get bigger the nearer they get to you.

Then it hit me ....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Last Sunday afternoon, I was sat in my living room, minding my own business. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. I opened the door to find 3 very smartly dressed people there. They asked me if I had a minute or two to spare.

I said, "Sure, no problem".

They quickly glanced to each other before announcing that they were from the local Kingdom Hall of Jehovas Witnesses and they had some information to share with me.

I stared at them, nervously rubbing my door handle. After a little thought, I said to them, "Oh, I'd love to know more, why don't you come on in?"

Excitedly, they agreed. I showed them through to my front room and invited them to sit down on my sofa.

I busied myself making them cups of tea and coffee. I got out the best China. I served the drinks with milk in a jug and sugar in a bowl. I even got out the best cake dish and served a selection of cherry Bakewells, Battenburg and jam tarts.

Eventually, I sat down with them. I looked them straight in their eyes.

Slowly, hesitantly, I asked them "So, what is it you'd like to talk about?"

They quizzically looked at each other with blank expressions for a few second.

Eventually, they turned to face me. The leader took on a hushed voice and announced to me

"I dunno, we've never got this far before"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A couple of cows were playing cards and smoking a joint.

That’s right , the steaks were pretty high

( beer )

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By *ail StockingsTV/TS
over a year ago

Chislehurst

I have got over my addiction to chocolate , marshmallows and nuts. I won't lie, it was a rocky road.

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By *inabedMFMCouple
over a year ago

Manchester

I got in my hotel room the other night , i put the Telly on and it said ‘Porn channal is disabled ‘ i thought the sick bastards

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By *uddy laneMan
over a year ago

dudley

I hate cutting my grass so I pour alcohol on it to keep it half cut.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Tell me your best jokes please. The more ‘Daddish’ the better

Suddenly, I noticed a tap on the window.

I thought to myself -

Crikey, I'm not getting that plumber in again!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A couple of cows were playing cards and smoking a joint.

That’s right , the steaks were pretty high

( beer ) "

Love this

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By *ettaManMan
over a year ago

Based in Kerry, work in Cork.

Why is there no pain medication in the jungle?

Bcos the parrots-eat-em-all.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

Saw a sign today that made me absolutely piss myself.

It said "toilets closed"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s pink and rusty?

Madeline mcanns bike

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been looking on TripAdvisor for the best place to eat out and you ranked top of the list

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does it make you an iWitness?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Put two fingers at each side off your mouth and pull out words and say my daddy’s a banker 5 times fast

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man walks into a bar and starts flirting.

The bar says "you're not getting in my snickers"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Walked into a shop the other day and a guy threw cheese, eggs and cream at me.

How dairy?

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By *1c4yMan
over a year ago

stourbridge

Just been offered a pair of used knickers for a fiver.

That's not to be sniffed at.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I entered a blindfolded masterbating contest.....

I've no idea where I came.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to work as a quality inspector in a glass factory but got fired for spending all day staring out of the window

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By *oubleswing2019Man
over a year ago

Colchester

What does the 'B' in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?

Benoit B Mandelbrot

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