FabSwingers.com forum: Would you listen to someone’s ex?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Say for instance an ex husband/wife ex partner or fwb, if they told you xyz about their ex who you were now involved with or about to become involved with and they told you some negative things about them would you take it with a pinch of salt or would you think that they have more experience with them than you do so you should take on board what they are saying?

I’m on my break so I’ll come back to this later but please discuss in my absence.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It depends what was said to be honest.

If it was something that would potentially put me or someone I love i love in danger than I would definitely take it on board and make checks but if it was just moaning then I'd take it with a pinch of salt and find out for myself.

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

It’s gossip and I don’t listen to gossip. I like making my own mistakes and learn from them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pinch of salt for me.

BUT whatever the ex's intention I can't be arsed with stupid stuff like that.

I'd talk to my other half and make my own decision.

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By *ensuallover1000Man
over a year ago

Somewhere In The Ether…

"It depends what was said to be honest.

Absolutely this. Well said

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's just drama I couldn't be bothered with

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would take what an ex said on board but not necessarily act on it. It also depends what it was.

If an ex warned me he was violent and nasty then I may be inclined to listen.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I always take people as I find them and don't pay too much attention to the negativity and stories from others.

I do keep it in mind though and if said person then tells me off their own back their side then I can try and read the situation from an outsiders perspective.

However some things may make me run a mile and it depends on the negativity or story.

I am one one of those people though that prefers evidence to back up what's said. Far too many slag others off in order to make themselves look good or a better person.

Plus. It may be that person fucked up but learned a lesson in the process. It may be that people clash and you wouldn't necessarily. You have to learn to judge how much attention you pay to it and in what the context of it is.

There are some things I wouldn't even dare go there on but I think they'd be obvious. I mean more criminal offences etc.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Say for instance an ex husband/wife ex partner or fwb, if they told you xyz about their ex who you were now involved with or about to become involved with and they told you some negative things about them would you take it with a pinch of salt or would you think that they have more experience with them than you do so you should take on board what they are saying?

I’m on my break so I’ll come back to this later but please discuss in my absence.

Depends on circs. Usually 2 sides to every story and data points are good.tougher Q is whether to then react/act on the info and what to do with it.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

It's a tough one. Could be genuine, could be a bitter ex. I debated for ages about messaging the new girl of my abusive ex who was still continuing to send me sexual messages. I decided not to as I thought I would just look like a bitter ex so she probably wouldn't believe it anyway and I didn't want to add fuel to the fire and have him harrass me any more than he already was. It's a tough situation as I feel bad for her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Exes usually have an agenda, especially if in relation to a current.

Unless the ex was somebody I knew and liked I'd trust as far as I could throw them.

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

Unless they told me something really bad such as proven abuse I think I would be extremely careful and cautious listening to a jilted ex.

In fact I would probably politely tell them not to.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It depends what was said to be honest.

Agreed x I’d take it on board potentially and see for myself anyway. Ex’s can have many reasons to say things, it could be to cause troubles but also maybe they do have a point. Either way, I’d say see for yourself and whatever that person said, put it in the back of your mind and try it out. (Unless of course that ex revealed that the person you are with is an abductor and sold every girl’s organs he dated, to the black market lol)

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By *0astMan
over a year ago

Discovering

Listen, yes, but it is only their opinion about a person from their perspective. I much prefer to make my own decisions about a person whether it’s gossip or not. One persons negative thoughts can be another’s positive, but it’s all irrelevant as the only thing that matters is your thoughts.

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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago

Whitley Bay

Put it this way.. Unless my ex had been severely abusive, violent or was still involved/menacing with me... No way would I be trying to influence a new partner.. Unless they asked me.

Even my most crap exes deserve to have a chance to have it better with someone else.

Wrong on all levels. So no. Unless they were telling me something severe and crucial.. I'd just think they were immature and a bit sad and out of order.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It would definitely depend on what they are saying. If it was something that I could find endangering to me then I would take heed. But if I feel its based on their bitterness of the relationship ending then I'd form my own opinion and base it on how he treats and respects me. Everyone has a past and deserves a chance.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

"Put it this way.. Unless my ex had been severely abusive, violent or was still involved/menacing with me... No way would I be trying to influence a new partner.. Unless they asked me.

Even my most crap exes deserve to have a chance to have it better with someone else.

Wrong on all levels. So no. Unless they were telling me something severe and crucial.. I'd just think they were immature and a bit sad and out of order. "

Pretty much this. We all have negatives about us. And to some people they aren't seen as negatives.

Only the breach of trust stuff would make me speak about it. Even if they saw me as a bitter ex, at least I can say I was honest and tried to look out for them. It's on them to react correctly and in their own interests.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Put it this way.. Unless my ex had been severely abusive, violent or was still involved/menacing with me... No way would I be trying to influence a new partner.. Unless they asked me.

Even my most crap exes deserve to have a chance to have it better with someone else.

Wrong on all levels. So no. Unless they were telling me something severe and crucial.. I'd just think they were immature and a bit sad and out of order. "

You nailed how I feel. Why try to do somebody else down if they've just moved on? I feel no animus whatsoever towards exes. It was all something that was good while it was good, and if you need to move on, you do that.

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By *eyond PurityCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

No, I’d form my own opinion.

An ex is pretty much going to tell you all their faults that they found. That doesn’t mean I’ll find those ‘faults’ a problem.

A new relationship is a clean slate, it’s not to be tarnished straight away by someone who might have an axe to grind.

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By *odgerMooreMan
over a year ago

Nowhere

You never know where the ‘advice’ is coming from so I tend to ignore it and make my own decisions on people.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"No, I’d form my own opinion.

An ex is pretty much going to tell you all their faults that they found. That doesn’t mean I’ll find those ‘faults’ a problem.

A new relationship is a clean slate, it’s not to be tarnished straight away by someone who might have an axe to grind.

Can I ask would you say the same if the ex said the person was violent or abusive?

Its a genuine question.

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

Pinch of salt. Probably bitter. I'd make my own judgement.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Put it this way.. Unless my ex had been severely abusive, violent or was still involved/menacing with me... No way would I be trying to influence a new partner.. Unless they asked me.

Even my most crap exes deserve to have a chance to have it better with someone else.

Wrong on all levels. So no. Unless they were telling me something severe and crucial.. I'd just think they were immature and a bit sad and out of order. "

Also this ! 100% the mature approach x I also wouldn’t get involved unless it was totally a matter of a very abusive partner etc. For the rest, no, I wouldn’t get involved at all. Even if I knew he was being a cheater or was one. Not my problem anymore x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No. Because how exes can lie - like my ex, who had me arrested on false allegations and, when the Police refused to take any action, dragged me through the courts again.

And lost.

Which is why my children were removed from her care, and I got custody of my son

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

It's easy to say ignore it.

It's sensible to keep an open mind and not rule it in OR out.

And then, if things seem to add up or make sense combined with gut feeling, that's the answer I'd trust, but that's me, and I've believed what I've been told by my ex's instead of the patterns that would be later uncovered when speaking to my ex's ex's, so my system of taking people at face value and believing what men folk had told me previously was clearly flawed.

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By *inky_couple2020Couple
over a year ago

North West

I've been that ex (who tried to warn the new girlfriend, albeit some years later). At the time, she politely said "thanks, I'll make my own mind up," which was fair enough, and left it at that. Now, after the divorce, she's said she wishes she'd taken notice. I've not been in the position myself as the person on the receiving end of "advice" so can only share from the other side of things. My intentions were not to slag off or anything else, but simply to spare the next person a whole bunch of problems.

But people should make up their own minds in any case and remember that people can change.

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By *eyond PurityCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

"No, I’d form my own opinion.

An ex is pretty much going to tell you all their faults that they found. That doesn’t mean I’ll find those ‘faults’ a problem.

A new relationship is a clean slate, it’s not to be tarnished straight away by someone who might have an axe to grind.

Can I ask would you say the same if the ex said the person was violent or abusive?

Its a genuine question. "

You’d have to consider it and if things stacked up as the relationship developed then the flags would start waving but until the gut starts leaping I’d take it with a pinch of salt.

I’d say we all can be triggered more by certain people so the ex may know exactly how to get under their skin, so manipulating a violent reaction.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For my abusive ex, I'd probably just point out the abusive behaviour early signs I had missed at the begining of the relationship, and say that I wish I walked away when he first started doing x or y, because it was the start of a downward slope to lots of z. Give them the basic facts/ signs then leave it to them. Then if they never experience it with said ex, no big deal.

That ex dodged the police when he was hurting me because he already had a record from his "crazy" ex prior to me, and I wished I'd paid heed to hearing that, rather than believing him, in hindsight.

Everyone of my other exes I'm happy for, because while they weren't for me, they are for someone else, and its not my business.

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By *omewhatSlightlyDazedMan
over a year ago

Warwick Birmingham & YamYamLand

"It's just drama I couldn't be bothered with

This

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By *reamblueMan
over a year ago

London

I take it this is what is happening to you OP. Do they know you are involved with this person? If so, then it is antagonistic of them to comment in front of you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Also if there is a criminal record, you can just suggest they check under Clares law.

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