FabSwingers.com forum: Forgive and forget

By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I'm listening to Woman's Hour about affairs. Very interesting about motivations, culture, communication and what is an affair. The trust debate is particularly interesting.

One of the male callers has just said that women might forgive but they never forget.

I was taught that you have not really forgiven until you can let it go and forget.

Can you forgive without forgetting? If you don't forget do you raise the issue from time to time or find yourself holding back from throwing it into a row?

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

I am more than willing to forgive, I will never forget though. Doesn't mean I would mention it again, but it will still be there. I don't like people who keep bringing stuff up time and time again, we all make mistakes.

If someone kept on doing the same, I would distance myself.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

A ive got older, i discuss issues more than having a blazing row. It achieves far more, i will talk it through until i know i am able to put it to bed. Im certainly not one that keeps bringing things back up. However, ive never been in the situation of having someone cheat on me, that would be the relationship over, not because they committed the act of sex with someone, but because it would of made me loose all trust in them. I dont think i could turn the clock back so it would be the end of the relationship. But normal everyday issues i forget about once its been discussed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I just think like alot of things in life.. people lean to live with things and when thay dont thay move on .Some cant get over the hurt.

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By *leasureDomeMan
over a year ago

all over the place

I don't think you can stereotype women or a particular gender that way, there are many varied personality types and also life experiences come into it too.

I have met and known many women who are totally laid back, confident ,with a chilled pragmatic outlook and who have a sense of achievement.I have also known some who are perhaps lacking confidence or of low self esteem who wish to construe an action a certain way and will attack anything and keep attacking anyone who even inadvertently treads on there toes.

I do not believe those traits are peculiar to women though, as i have known a lot of guys like that too...take a look at the guys who attack physically or cause trouble and when asked why say... "cus they looked at me funny".

The point being It takes all sorts to make a world IMHO its not gender specific.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I don't think you can stereotype women or a particular gender that way, there are many varied personality types and also life experiences come into it too.

The point being It takes all sorts to make a world IMHO its not gender specific.

I didn't intend for this to be read as gender specific. It was the quote from the programme that triggered the thought but my questions are gender neutral.

I agree with your points. In fact, I think a lot of DV stems from the not forgetting or forgiving of some perceived slight.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If i was cheated on id never forgive and never forget. Once the trust is gone its gone. Relationships can not exist without trust.

In other circumstances (away from intimate relationships) i could perhaps forgive but would take a very long time if i was truly hurt by a persons actions. Doubt id ever forget though. Would take a lot of talking and explaining for me to understand that persons actions.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Once I have forgiven it... It is gone and I wont bring it up again.

The bible tells us to "forgive"... Nowhere does it say "forget"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Me and my other half have known each other for 20 years. Married for 10 went through divorce from hell didn't speak for 5 years and then after meeting up again we have been inseparable for nearly 4 years again. Our divorce was really bad. Id met someone else, wed got married young blah blah blah. We talked about stuff when we got back together. Knew why things happened the way they did. We both forgave each other and very rarely does it come up. If it does its never during a row (cos we don't do that anymore) and never causes problems. I think its all down the person u are and why things happen. We are super happy especially with our family and our sex life. Our relationship is very different to how it used to be and live for the now, no need to look back. Maybe its just experience and age that let's u move on but I know we wouldn't be as happy as we are now if we hadn't put the past to rest.

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By *leasureDomeMan
over a year ago

all over the place

"I don't think you can stereotype women or a particular gender that way, there are many varied personality types and also life experiences come into it too.

The point being It takes all sorts to make a world IMHO its not gender specific.

I didn't intend for this to be read as gender specific. It was the quote from the programme that triggered the thought but my questions are gender neutral.

I agree with your points. In fact, I think a lot of DV stems from the not forgetting or forgiving of some perceived slight."

ok thanks for the clarification its my fault as you quoted Women's hour and a male caller i thought you meant are those traits peculiar to one gender.ie women.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Once it's lost, trust can take a long time to win back, either sex will have difficulties trusting a partner who has cheated, the problem then is finding the point where jealousy and trust reach an acceptable balance.

Jealousy is an evil poison that is so damaging to those who suffer it, only once have I dated someone had extreme jealousy issues, and it was so sad to see just how much pain it caused her, when it extended to my first wife (deceased) I knew there was no hope of ever having a relationship with her.

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By *ig jugsWoman
over a year ago

somewhere

I think to forgive is honourable to forget tho is a bit silly and harder to do,I an=m in a situation just now that i have forgiven but will not and cannot forget ,the scars and hurt is just too deep and will be with me to some extent for life.My abuser is mentally ill i beleive and so i forgive all he did and i have to take blame too for letting him, but by not forgetting il ensure im stronger when i recover and that i will not let it happen again.A hard lesson learnt.hope that make sense and im not slaughtered for this lol

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By *anfiona2Couple
over a year ago

ramsgate

When I had been married to my now ex about 18 months, she had a brief fling then told me about it. I was shocked, angry and hurt but we talked it through and she said she still wanted to be with me so we started again.

We then went on to have a further 15 years of marriage and two kids and I never mentioned it again, so yes you can forgive and forget and I have two wonderful kids into the bargain!

And by the way, we split up eventually because we just grew apart and it was very amicable and still is.

In my present relationship with Fi we talk more, we talk about everything. There is trust there, I suppose there has to be as swingers and I've never been happier

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it depends on the circumstances and issue.. something recently happened in my life and there is no way i could forgive or forget although i have tried to be civil

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Once I have forgiven it... It is gone and I wont bring it up again.

The bible tells us to "forgive"... Nowhere does it say "forget""

It also says it is divine. You are to be admired for your fortitude in not bringing it up again.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I think to forgive is honourable to forget tho is a bit silly and harder to do,I an=m in a situation just now that i have forgiven but will not and cannot forget ,the scars and hurt is just too deep and will be with me to some extent for life.My abuser is mentally ill i beleive and so i forgive all he did and i have to take blame too for letting him, but by not forgetting il ensure im stronger when i recover and that i will not let it happen again.A hard lesson learnt.hope that make sense and im not slaughtered for this lol

There is no reason for you to be slaughtered for this. I think many of us would feel the same. Thanks for your honesty.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i dont think i ever realy forgive and forget.

i am even worse at forgiving myself.

i find it easier to forgive my son though.

its because you feel responsible for your kids.

if they do something wrong, you think it might be your fault, in one way or another.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I thought that the traditional adage was that men never forgive but usualy forget while women usualy forgive but never forget.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ive never been cheated on plus I dont feel Ive ever been in a relationship that matters enough to me, for it to have had a devastating effect if it did happen.

However I think I would find it easier to forget than to forgive.

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By *empting Devil.Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

To forgive but not to forget is simply another way of learning by experience.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm listening to Woman's Hour about affairs. Very interesting about motivations, culture, communication and what is an affair. The trust debate is particularly interesting.

One of the male callers has just said that women might forgive but they never forget.

I was taught that you have not really forgiven until you can let it go and forget.

Can you forgive without forgetting? If you don't forget do you raise the issue from time to time or find yourself holding back from throwing it into a row?"

Forgiveness is an emotive subject and people all handle it differently.

Do I think the majority forgive No in reality its rare, do people forget? Well I don't really think people do this either its always there in your memories so you don't forget. Mankind is pre programmed to learn from its mistakes and past encounters so I think that is what people do.

If you look at admonishment for events that's a different matter. I think you can accept someone explanation for their actions, I think you can accept regret for their actions. I think you can also forgive them and hold no malice and sweep the issue aside and not constantly dig it up in arguments. The reality is though you don't forget things unless you are absent-minded.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I forgive a lot

I forget nothing

It keeps me on my toes !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Once I have forgiven it... It is gone and I wont bring it up again.

The bible tells us to "forgive"... Nowhere does it say "forget"

It also says it is divine. You are to be admired for your fortitude in not bringing it up again."

To forgive is divine...

To forget is early onset dementia...;-)

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

I forgive, sometimes choose to put things out of mind and sometimes forget as it's no longer important to focus on the details, but will have taken decisions based on my experience.

The way is forwards, not looking in the rear-_iew mirror for me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I forgive but don't forget. Unless its a cheating lying ex husband. I didn't forgive nor forget, I lost all respect for him so ended 20 years with him as soon as I found out about his cheating. No ifs buts or sorrys.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"Once I have forgiven it... It is gone and I wont bring it up again.

The bible tells us to "forgive"... Nowhere does it say "forget""

I agree with that statement - the important part is the forgiving as that can repair the relationship and often is the most important part of that healing process. The forgetting part is an impossible task as you cannot force yourself to eliminate a memory or experience you have lived through as you cannot undo the past.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Also wanted to add... if we cannot forgive we only punish and torture ourselves. It is more stressful to keep holding a grudge against somebody than to let go. Once we let go we are free of that stress - it is one of my mantras and works for me.

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By *aceytopWoman
over a year ago

from a town near you

"I am more than willing to forgive, I will never forget though. Doesn't mean I would mention it again, but it will still be there. I don't like people who keep bringing stuff up time and time again, we all make mistakes.

If someone kept on doing the same, I would distance myself."
they need a bit of cognitive behaviour therapy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can understand and accept not forgetting, but not forgiving strikes me as sad.

After all, what one of us is perfect??

But when jealousy enters the mix, then that has to be the saddest thing, because reason and sense go out of the window as the person is taken over by this most poisonous of emotions!!

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"I can understand and accept not forgetting, but not forgiving strikes me as sad.

After all, what one of us is perfect??

But when jealousy enters the mix, then that has to be the saddest thing, because reason and sense go out of the window as the person is taken over by this most poisonous of emotions!!

"
Precisely

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am not one that can easily forgive or forget.

If I forget, that's because my memory is failing me.

I am good at compartmentalising though, as in burying something and not think about it.

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