FabSwingers.com forum: Communicating instead of acting a twat.

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Would you be more empathic towards someone if they actually stated that they needed some attention instead of trying to get that attention by being naughty or saying derogatory comments or being argumentative?

Also if someone has pissed you off is it not a better approach to say hey you said/did something before and it upset me/offended me/I didn’t quite understand so could you explain it again, instead of nit picking and finding any excuse to have a go at that person?

Just some musings I have this morning, interested in your thoughts…

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

Seems pretty standard and if your even asking the question should probably take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Seems pretty standard and if your even asking the question should probably take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror "

On the blob are you mate?

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

"Seems pretty standard and if your even asking the question should probably take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror

On the blob are you mate? "

Don’t take it aimed at you, I mean if these things are things you need to question, you got problems. Being a decent person shouldn’t be a question

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes I always prefer people to be honest and frank with me. Can't be dealing with passive aggressive, bitchy crap. Just tell me what you're annoyed about and let's deal with it!

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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago

STOKE ON TRENT

"Seems pretty standard and if your even asking the question should probably take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror "

Yeah you should

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A cry for help is a cry for help regardless of how it's done.

For some people it is done in a negative/argumentative/confrontational way. Not the ideal way but it's sometimes the only way they know how without asking for help. (If that makes sense)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 13/06/21 09:12:46]

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

My immediate thoughts is that there are two people.

Those two people are in disagreement.

Neither of them is right.

Neither of them is wholly wrong.

Each have to attempt to understand each other AND I DO NOT MEAN SIMPLY HEARING THEM OUT.

Listen to their view and don't respond immediately.

Think about why you feel the things you do about what they have said or done. What is it with you ( not you personally ) why do YOU feel the way you do ? ( not you personally ) What is it about your background and beliefs that make you feel the things you do ? Why do you want them to respond to certain situations in the way that you would ?

They are not you and you are not them.

In response to being more empathetic.... that is utter bollocks. Empathy would mean that you already understood.

Empathy isn't something dished out because somebody behaved in a way that you think is the right way to behave.

Empathy makes no call on the behaviour of others. Empathy is a misused word often self ascribed to themselves by the most unempathetic of people.

If someone is trying to get attention in the only way they know how ..... give it to them.

If i've pissed someone off ( impossible I know ) I don't expect them to calmly say to me .. Oh hey, can we go over that again..... Not unless they are Jesus.

If they are nitpicking they are either in pain, plain nasty, emotionally immature or just generally not fully baked yet. I can wait.

I'll take the adult stance in any situation. If someone is emotional I can recognise that. I'll allow them that. Doesn't mean I care about them. It means I respect myself.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Seems pretty standard and if your even asking the question should probably take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror

On the blob are you mate?

Don’t take it aimed at you, I mean if these things are things you need to question, you got problems. Being a decent person shouldn’t be a question "

Well it was aimed at me because you used your and yourself. If it was a general comment to other people you should have said they and themselves.

But your response actually goes perfectly with the theme of thread. I said something that shouldn’t have warranted any kind of negative response yet your response was to have a pop at me, at least that’s how I’ve perceived it.

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham

"Seems pretty standard and if your even asking the question should probably take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror

On the blob are you mate?

Don’t take it aimed at you, I mean if these things are things you need to question, you got problems. Being a decent person shouldn’t be a question

Well it was aimed at me because you used your and yourself. If it was a general comment to other people you should have said they and themselves.

Sorry I meant to royal you, replace you with someone

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By *indergirlWoman
over a year ago

somewhere, someplace

I would, if someone was going through something I would want them to tell me rather than lashing out and being hurtful, I would then at least understand their actions and make some allowances for it.

Noone needs to be afraid to share if they're going through something

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Yes I always prefer people to be honest and frank with me. Can't be dealing with passive aggressive, bitchy crap. Just tell me what you're annoyed about and let's deal with it!"

I agree with this. Unfortunately Kitty being your authentic honest self can cause ruffles - people are so pointy fingery and ready to twist what's been said. Just being straight forward and tactfully honest is misrepresented entirely

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yes I always prefer people to be honest and frank with me. Can't be dealing with passive aggressive, bitchy crap. Just tell me what you're annoyed about and let's deal with it!"

Same! You see it on here, thinly veiled shit, not singling out another user by name but bringing up certain things they’ve said that’s personal to them so it goes undetected by mods and the rest of the forum don’t notice but the person they’re targeting knows it’s about them.

Just think it would be easier if anyone ever has a problem with someone they just say look you did/said xyz it’s wound me up and now I have an issue, could it be resolved please?

OR just say nothing at all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My immediate thoughts is that there are two people.

Those two people are in disagreement.

Neither of them is right.

Neither of them is wholly wrong.

Each have to attempt to understand each other AND I DO NOT MEAN SIMPLY HEARING THEM OUT.

Listen to their view and don't respond immediately.

They are not you and you are not them.

In response to being more empathetic.... that is utter bollocks. Empathy would mean that you already understood.

Empathy isn't something dished out because somebody behaved in a way that you think is the right way to behave.

Empathy makes no call on the behaviour of others. Empathy is a misused word often self ascribed to themselves by the most unempathetic of people.

If someone is trying to get attention in the only way they know how ..... give it to them.

If i've pissed someone off ( impossible I know ) I don't expect them to calmly say to me .. Oh hey, can we go over that again..... Not unless they are Jesus.

If they are nitpicking they are either in pain, plain nasty, emotionally immature or just generally not fully baked yet. I can wait.

I'll take the adult stance in any situation. If someone is emotional I can recognise that. I'll allow them that. Doesn't mean I care about them. It means I respect myself.

Yes, excellent... Plus, you knew, those who just cannot /will not communicate for whatever reason

I also find it depends how important the other person is to me as to how honest / vulnerable i want to get

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Empathy isn't something dished out because somebody behaved in a way that you think is the right way to behave.

Empathy makes no call on the behaviour of others. Empathy is a misused word often self ascribed to themselves by the most unempathetic of people.

I love this. As you say for many empathy is being able to understand and share the feelings of those they agree with. Very few get the idea that it also means being able

to understand and share the feelings of those whose position they instinctively dislike.

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By *eyond PurityCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

Something I read years ago - if you want something, you should give it. So -

If you want kindness, show kindness.

It you want honesty, be honest.

If you want connection, touch someone's soul.

Creating drama just breeds toxicity and sucks the energy out of life. Create positive energy and the law of attraction will feed you in adundance.

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By *otSoPoshWoman
over a year ago

In a ball gown because that's how we roll in N. Devon

"Yes I always prefer people to be honest and frank with me. Can't be dealing with passive aggressive, bitchy crap. Just tell me what you're annoyed about and let's deal with it!

Just think it would be easier if anyone ever has a problem with someone they just say look you did/said xyz it’s wound me up and now I have an issue, could it be resolved please?

OR just say nothing at all. "

Haven't you just done the same thing with this thread?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Something I read years ago - if you want something, you should give it. So -

If you want kindness, show kindness.

It you want honesty, be honest.

If you want connection, touch someone's soul.

Creating drama just breeds toxicity and sucks the energy out of life. Create positive energy and the law of attraction will feed you in adundance.

I try not to have low vibrational emotions like jealousy, hate, want, lack.

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.

I don’t always do that but I try to listen to others views.

If someone has pi**ed me off, I’ll talk to them and straighten it out wherever possible, I expect the same in return.

Issues often arise when people don’t deal with conflict, instead they complain to everyone except the person that they should be addressing. People don’t like to be wrong, so they dislike confronting that possible outcome and avoid the potential resolution in favour of being right within their circle.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As you only get one chance to make a first impression,make it a good one.

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By *ermite12ukMan
over a year ago

Solihull and Brentwood

"Something I read years ago - if you want something, you should give it. So -

If you want kindness, show kindness.

It you want honesty, be honest.

If you want connection, touch someone's soul.

Creating drama just breeds toxicity and sucks the energy out of life. Create positive energy and the law of attraction will feed you in adundance.

I was told something similar in that if you've got nothing good to say about someone. Keep it zipped.

(But some day when you least expect it. Your going to hear something and then twat 'em.

)

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

If people aren't blunt and honest with me I'll ignore them.

I don't suffer silly mind games or dramatics.

I don't offend easily and not much winds me up.

As for things being said on the forums; if no name has been mentioned it could be about anyone, as people can interact with more than one person.

I also use "you" to explain something when I mean to say anyone or someone.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

I'm a bit of a contrary Mary, so I'll be nice to someone who is trying to piss me off, or has taken issue with me.

You never know, it might all be just a misunderstanding, or misconception.

That dig someone was making at you, might not be a dig at all, and not aimed at you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Would you be more empathic towards someone if they actually stated that they needed some attention instead of trying to get that attention by being naughty or saying derogatory comments or being argumentative?

Just some musings I have this morning, interested in your thoughts…"

The most valuable commodity that we have is time. If someone was playing games with me to gain attention then sorry I generally don’t go there, I would rather have someone be honest with me and say I need some attention right now. I would happily free up time for that person.

The same goes for if someone had pissed me off. I would rather clear the air and either move on or walk away.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

That dig someone was making at you, might not be a dig at all, and not aimed at you.

Buy what if you KNOW it’s aimed at you because they’ll bring up something obscure or personal to you, something only you have said and they keep doing it over and over again?

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By *ssex_tomMan
over a year ago

Chelmsford

Remember 99.9% of the time people never ever win arguments. The two sides are deeply entrenched in their views. People rarely win debates either for the same reason unless it's a competition and a panel votes on on the outcome. I just know that Annie is a person with good values and likeable with it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That dig someone was making at you, might not be a dig at all, and not aimed at you.

Buy what if you KNOW it’s aimed at you because they’ll bring up something obscure or personal to you, something only you have said and they keep doing it over and over again?"

Report the post. The mods will then see the pattern if the person keeps doing it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just some musings I have this morning, interested in your thoughts…"

It depends on who the person is. The person might be going through a really bad time and be angry at the world. The ranting/ aggression may be a virtual punching bag.

It's not fair if it's aimed at someone else though.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

You can see it in other areas as well. Like a message that’s intention is to wind you up from the off for example accessing you of being fake, I can only assume that by doing so it’s to get a response, they don’t care what the response is so long as they get one.

Or could be that someone’s tried flirting with you and you’ve rejected their advances, they then start saying nasty things to you.

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

Poor behaviour shouldn’t be acknowledged or rewarded, unfortunately, some people will always get their kicks doing it. I just take a step away

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I take you have been prey to this behaviour. Maybe ask them why they are behaving the way they are otherwise this thread looks like you are guilty of what you are accusing others of.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes in an ideal uncomplicated perfect 'why can't we all just get along' world everyone would just calmly say 'Sorry, but I don't like/agree xyz about you'.

In the actual world we live in there maybe many reasons why someone might be acting in an argumentative, naughty or derogatory way. And online or offline you won't always be able to tell why. And it's not always a cry for help if the person doesn't realise they may need help.

I've been the argumentative shitty one on an online forum before. At the time I couldn't have explained why it all kicked off except everyone was having a go at me while I was trying to put my point of view across. It quickly devolved into me calling people 'FUCKING CUNTS' and some equally reprehensible behaviour from others.

Looking back on it now I was actually spiralling into a major depressive breakdown and my 'reality' was not the 'reality' of everyone else. It's quite difficult to explain that at moments like that you really do not have control over your thoughts, emotions and actions.

Really on the web in situations like that the best thing to do is to walk away and not rise or react to it otherwise it can escalate.

You could reach out in a PM to ask why but if you get no response or abuse back then, unless you are prepared to try to get to the bottom of it, walk away and don't aggravate the situation.

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By *usman 199Man
over a year ago

Stockport

Morning Annie yes life is to short I tend to find the people who may piss you off at the time once you have left them for a while then go back later and as you said what was the problem they have usually come to there sense get it sorted move on no hard feelings

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

If I'm valued as a friend I'll always tell them if they are being an asshat .

I've already had to do it once this week and it's looking like I may have to confront another situation this week where I will have to be honest with someone , or vice versa . Shit happens but if someone is a true friend they should understand if you are being brutally honest

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes in an ideal uncomplicated perfect 'why can't we all just get along' world everyone would just calmly say 'Sorry, but I don't like/agree xyz about you'.

Really on the web in situations like that the best thing to do is to walk away and not rise or react to it otherwise it can escalate.

You could reach out in a PM to ask why but if you get no response or abuse back then, unless you are prepared to try to get to the bottom of it, walk away and don't aggravate the situation."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Absolutely. What really irritates me is when someone says they want to change some things but then don’t communicate those changes despite you given them every opportunity then it becomes your fault when you don’t make the changes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Communicating Is the key to a good health relationship would rather talk it though with someone that get all moody and not talk to the person

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

Just some musings I have this morning, interested in your thoughts…"

I think the best you can do if you see someone acting like that is to ask them if they’re ok. We all have lives of our own, and nobody knows the shit going on behind the mask we put on in public. So ask if you’re genuinely concerned.

Some people are too proud to ask for help or they don’t know how to. They need someone to do the reaching out.

We’ve all needed someone to just notice us and ask if we are ok at some point, whether we want to admit that or not. We’re all guilty of behaving a bit shitty if something or someone has upset us. Whether it’s just being snappy with someone who didn’t deserve it to more extreme behaviour. None of us are perfect.

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"I take you have been prey to this behaviour. Maybe ask them why they are behaving the way they are otherwise this thread looks like you are guilty of what you are accusing others of."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree OP. I much prefer it when people are direct and open about what they need. Everyone goes through bad times, but not everyone uses it as an excuse to lash out at people. Being concerned and showing empathy when faced with that behaviour can diffuse the situation with reasonable people who have temporarily lost themselves, but for others it changes nothing. We're all responsible for managing our own emotions to the best of our ability and if it becomes apparent that our actions are hurting others we need acknowledge this and seek to learn better ways of coping. Some people aren't interested in doing so, in which case there's no point in offering support as you'll only put yourself in harms way.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

People are people and relationships are complicated. Part of life is trying to understand other human beings. If anybody wants people to only behave in a way that that suits them they're in for a lot of disappointment

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By *andycandy88Woman
over a year ago

Northolt

p6545 and La luna's response

very true

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By *gnitemybodyWoman
over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

p6545 and La luna's response

very true

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

By virtue of what you’ve said regarding the thinly veiled digs isn’t this post doing exactly the same by having a pop back?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"By virtue of what you’ve said regarding the thinly veiled digs isn’t this post doing exactly the same by having a pop back? "

It’s a bit of pickle for me with regards to staying within the laws of the forum and not getting myself in trouble. I’ve asked a member by name to explain what their issue is but then fallen the wrong side of the rules which state if you have a problem with another user best to skip their posts and ignore them, but on the other hand I can be browsing a thread, a thread I haven’t even started or contributed in and this person will misquote things I’ve said or bring up things about my profile or things that are completely out of context. So what are my options, keep ignoring things that are being said about me, which there’s only so much ignoring you can do before your natural urge to stick up for yourself kicks in.

I can ignore and not interact, I do it quite well but I’d also like to understand what the issue is.

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By *andycandy88Woman
over a year ago

Northolt

Hi OP I think the best way to get to the bottom of it is to message them. If you don't get a response back from them then ignore them.

When they realise they can't get a reaction then they will be left with no choice but stop.

Hope it can be resolved though whether you both make up or just air your differences out and move on

best of luck xx

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

That dig someone was making at you, might not be a dig at all, and not aimed at you.

Buy what if you KNOW it’s aimed at you because they’ll bring up something obscure or personal to you, something only you have said and they keep doing it over and over again?"

Then it would depend who said it.

On here it would make me laugh or do a mental eye roll.

It's not guaranteed you can message people to ask what their problem is and we aren't allowed to air dirty laundry, so I would ignore any silly stuff.

It doesn't affect my life, after all.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

"By virtue of what you’ve said regarding the thinly veiled digs isn’t this post doing exactly the same by having a pop back?

I can ignore and not interact, I do it quite well but I’d also like to understand what the issue is.

Scroll past anything with their name on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes, get things out in the open explain what the problem is, instead of sulking and doing this passive aggressive bullshit. The people I admire are the people who do that, don’t play games, are honest and open, it makes things so much simpler.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"By virtue of what you’ve said regarding the thinly veiled digs isn’t this post doing exactly the same by having a pop back?

I can ignore and not interact, I do it quite well but I’d also like to understand what the issue is.

Keep reporting him. It's not just you having this issue.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You can see it in other areas as well. Like a message that’s intention is to wind you up from the off for example accessing you of being fake, I can only assume that by doing so it’s to get a response, they don’t care what the response is so long as they get one.

Or could be that someone’s tried flirting with you and you’ve rejected their advances, they then start saying nasty things to you. "

I’ve had this so many times and I used to respond because I didn’t want anyone to think I’m fake etc.

Now I don’t bother because as you said, it’s a response they want, any response.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"By virtue of what you’ve said regarding the thinly veiled digs isn’t this post doing exactly the same by having a pop back?

I can ignore and not interact, I do it quite well but I’d also like to understand what the issue is.

Keep reporting him. It's not just you having this issue....."

This.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

I think the silly behaviour is due to the guy being intimidated by how nice you look...they take the position that you're "out of their league" and protest sour grapes before even starting a sensible conversation with you

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

To anyone who reads this, not anyone in particular.

If you think that comments are made toward you just block the person AND ignore what they are saying. NO ONE else knows the comments are about you until you make it known yourself.

I often am blissfully unaware of the shite going on IN the forum AND in chat. I'm like the kid watching the telly while the parents are punching each other silently in the kitchen..... really YOU and YOUR beefs are NOT relevant to other people's experiences here. We just don't see it until someone thinks it's how we'd all like to spend the day, entrenched in their drama. ( i'm still talking to everyone btw)

It's valuable to stop a second and think if someone has offended you or if you have just taken offense.

Either way, no serious harm has been done unless you actively hold them in such esteem that you hang on to their every word.

( no one was harmed in the making of t his contribution )

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"To anyone who reads this, not anyone in particular.

If you think that comments are made toward you just block the person AND ignore what they are saying. NO ONE else knows the comments are about you until you make it known yourself.

It's valuable to stop a second and think if someone has offended you or if you have just taken offense.

Either way, no serious harm has been done unless you actively hold them in such esteem that you hang on to their every word.

( no one was harmed in the making of t his contribution ) "

Yes but on that token the forums are supposed to be an enjoyable place for ALL members. Just because it may look dramatic to people who aren’t having things said about them doesn’t mean the people who are having things said about them should have to suffer in silence.

I don’t hold the person in high regard and their opinions don’t matter to be but I’m not someone that just lets people get away with whatever they want. Either they keep my name or anything they want to say about me out of their mouths or in this case off their keyboards, or they actually say what their issue is so I can try and resolve it.

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By *batMan
over a year ago

Alicante, Spain. (Sometimes in Wales)

"Seems pretty standard and if your even asking the question should probably take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror

On the blob are you mate? "

Didn't get the answer you were expecting Annie?

Gbat

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By * Plus ECouple
over a year ago

The South

"My immediate thoughts is that there are two people.

Those two people are in disagreement.

Neither of them is right.

Neither of them is wholly wrong.

Each have to attempt to understand each other AND I DO NOT MEAN SIMPLY HEARING THEM OUT.

Listen to their view and don't respond immediately.

They are not you and you are not them.

In response to being more empathetic.... that is utter bollocks. Empathy would mean that you already understood.

Empathy isn't something dished out because somebody behaved in a way that you think is the right way to behave.

Empathy makes no call on the behaviour of others. Empathy is a misused word often self ascribed to themselves by the most unempathetic of people.

If someone is trying to get attention in the only way they know how ..... give it to them.

If i've pissed someone off ( impossible I know ) I don't expect them to calmly say to me .. Oh hey, can we go over that again..... Not unless they are Jesus.

If they are nitpicking they are either in pain, plain nasty, emotionally immature or just generally not fully baked yet. I can wait.

I'll take the adult stance in any situation. If someone is emotional I can recognise that. I'll allow them that. Doesn't mean I care about them. It means I respect myself.

I love you Granny.

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By *eavenscentitCouple
over a year ago

barnstaple

That dig someone was making at you, might not be a dig at all, and not aimed at you.

Buy what if you KNOW it’s aimed at you because they’ll bring up something obscure or personal to you, something only you have said and they keep doing it over and over again?"

I'd ignore the drama queen

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By *il sub princessWoman
over a year ago

West Midlands

No one has to explain themselves whether it's deemed the right thing to do or not

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By *batMan
over a year ago

Alicante, Spain. (Sometimes in Wales)

( no one was harmed in the making of this contribution ) "

Your whole post is nicely worded and makes a lot of sense. Nicely done!

Gbat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

if there was ever a time for the Michael Jackson pocorn GIF!

Jokes aside, this is the deepest conversation I've seen in the forum, some absolute pearls of wisdom in and amongst. Have you found any answers that help you OP?

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By *orbidden eastMan
over a year ago

london dodging electric scooters

Unfortunately OP it’s always better to say what’s on your mind. But we are in the land of the internet and some people find it easier to ghost people

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"By virtue of what you’ve said regarding the thinly veiled digs isn’t this post doing exactly the same by having a pop back?

I can ignore and not interact, I do it quite well but I’d also like to understand what the issue is.

No, report it and let an Admin / mod take a look. I know mods ask people to ignore each other but they won't always know after that if someone is digging at someone or they may not have even read the thread

It can be stopped, one way or another so best to just report

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