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Having healthy boundaries.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

How do you get the balance right between having healthy boundaries and not being too emotionally cold?

Having boundaries is something I’ve struggled with massively, it’s evident in all of my previous experiences over the years, countless people have said things like “why don’t you just cut that person off?” Well when you have no boundaries it’s hard to have that emotional strength and self esteem to be able to walk away from situations and you end up letting people treat you like shit.

I’m 14 about to be 15 sessions into my counselling now and she’s noticed a change in me already, so have my close friends, I just don’t want to become cold. I don’t think I have it in me to be cold anyway but just curious to know at what point or points do people know when to walk away from a situation or person.

Is it like an automatic thing or is it something you have to fight against?

I had a situation recently where I felt like I was cutting my nose off to spite my face, I said no to a guy who I previously had dealings with, knowing that he’s not a good choice but I still wanted to see him so although I said no I did feel a bit like I’d missed out.

I’m not explaining this well but hopefully you get what I mean.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's not always easy to walk away. I've had exes where you split, meet up, have sex, get back together and repeat. Until eventually, usually me, I've just had enough and stop all contact but still get twinges of wanting to see them.

The problem I have is cutting people out for no good reason as my mood has started on a downward spiral and rather than asking for some time on my own I've just walked away without a moment's thought and they don't really know why.

But I'm constantly working on managing my moods and getting better at handling them.

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

It’s not an automatic thing and it can be a balance between being closed off to protect yourself and being open to new experiences.

The thing is though that it varies from person to person according to their comfort and history.

There’s no right and wrong way to balance it; friends, experience, emotional level, etc all play a part.

It’s a learning process and it’s important that it’s you driving that, not others trying to influence or manipulate you.

It’s a valid thought process to consider being too closed off, as it shows that you’re finding that balance and that you’re concerned about how your boundaries affect others but in reality, it’s not going to be an issue.

Just remember that having boundaries vs having none will always mean that you’re turning people down or closing them off, that’s a healthy thing, it doesn’t make you cold

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think I'm very cold in that regard where if I'm not in constant contact with people, it's very easy to lose touch. Although I made friends growing up, it was very surface level so once we went separate ways, they went on with their lives and I went on with mine because you meet new people and repeat the process.

I barely keep in contact with quite a few extended family members because they just don't affect my life enough on a day to day basis to fully commit to keeping a relationship with them. If anything, I'm a bit too worried with how easy I find it to cut people off.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As my dear friend just told me.. when the lows you get out of relationship with someone start outnumbering the heights.. maybe it's time to make yourself a priority.

Well done for sticking with counselling x

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By *ob198XaMan
over a year ago

teleford

For starters learn to accept its human nature to make bad choices. Don’t be too harsh on yourself but use each past bad choice to help guide you in making better future choices.

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By *ob198XaMan
over a year ago

teleford

Ps. Wow you look on fire girl. You can turn down the wrong ens, you can take your pick.

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By *gent CoulsonMan
over a year ago

Secret hideaway in the pennines

My problem is I care too much, which has resulted in me becoming emotionally drained, I wear my heart on my sleeve, but there comes a time when you just have to let go and protect yourself, is that being cold, or is it being realistic.

Sadly sometimes we push the wrong people away

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My problem is I care too much, which has resulted in me becoming emotionally drained, I wear my heart on my sleeve, but there comes a time when you just have to let go and protect yourself, is that being cold, or is it being realistic.

Sadly sometimes we push the wrong people away"

It's being self loving.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes you have to weigh up whether a person is good or bad for you - for your self esteem and mental health.

The short term 'high' from seeing someone is often offset by the damage they bring to you in the longer term.

Think of Alcohol - in simple terms, drinking can be fun but it leads to a hangover and damages your body. The more you expose yourself to alcohol the more you feel the negative effects.

Thats not to say you shouldnt drink but you do need to be aware that alcohol is not always your friend and nor are some people - no matter how strong your urge to see them. Some people are simply toxic for us.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

I don’t know. I just know what I’ll put up with and what I won’t.

I am quite set in my ways in how I like to be treated within a relationship and red flags act like a turn off until you reach a point where you don’t want to have anything to do with them because all the red flags have turned you off them.

Others may look at that as being over reactive etc., but I know me, I know what I like and don’t like, what I will and won’t tolerate and put up with and that’s it. When I lose interest I lose interest. I very rarely are tempted to go back because it just creates drama in the end, and life is too damn short for that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not overthinking.

Not questioning your every move.

Not forcing it.

Not pre-planning.

Not listening too much to others without being clear on the motivation for their advice or apparent wisdom.

Just being relaxed and enjoying the moment without expectations and learning from your own experiences without fearing repetition of past mistakes. Each new person and relationship is a totally new beast imho and should be treated that way

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By *lbinoGorillaMan
over a year ago

Redditch

Bookmarking this for later

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How do you get the balance right between having healthy boundaries and not being too emotionally cold?

Having boundaries is something I’ve struggled with massively, it’s evident in all of my previous experiences over the years, countless people have said things like “why don’t you just cut that person off?” Well when you have no boundaries it’s hard to have that emotional strength and self esteem to be able to walk away from situations and you end up letting people treat you like shit.

I’m 14 about to be 15 sessions into my counselling now and she’s noticed a change in me already, so have my close friends, I just don’t want to become cold. I don’t think I have it in me to be cold anyway but just curious to know at what point or points do people know when to walk away from a situation or person.

Is it like an automatic thing or is it something you have to fight against?

I had a situation recently where I felt like I was cutting my nose off to spite my face, I said no to a guy who I previously had dealings with, knowing that he’s not a good choice but I still wanted to see him so although I said no I did feel a bit like I’d missed out.

I’m not explaining this well but hopefully you get what I mean. "

What do you mean emotionally cold?

You can still care about someone or look out for them without it adversely affecting yourself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How do you get the balance right between having healthy boundaries and not being too emotionally cold?

Having boundaries is something I’ve struggled with massively, it’s evident in all of my previous experiences over the years, countless people have said things like “why don’t you just cut that person off?” Well when you have no boundaries it’s hard to have that emotional strength and self esteem to be able to walk away from situations and you end up letting people treat you like shit.

I’m 14 about to be 15 sessions into my counselling now and she’s noticed a change in me already, so have my close friends, I just don’t want to become cold. I don’t think I have it in me to be cold anyway but just curious to know at what point or points do people know when to walk away from a situation or person.

Is it like an automatic thing or is it something you have to fight against?

I had a situation recently where I felt like I was cutting my nose off to spite my face, I said no to a guy who I previously had dealings with, knowing that he’s not a good choice but I still wanted to see him so although I said no I did feel a bit like I’d missed out.

I’m not explaining this well but hopefully you get what I mean.

What do you mean emotionally cold?

You can still care about someone or look out for them without it adversely affecting yourself.

"

I think its about getting used to new intensity of feelings and how we respond to them. Must be hard switching to dialled down reaction when you are condition to feel everything so intensely? It will take time, Annie. Look at this as not being triggered so easily anymore. And that's a huge progress.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I've got healthy boundaries in place with almost everyone except my parents but I'm working on that (even at this

late juncture). I know when to call a halt to certain things with people too but that doesn't mean I'm emotionally cold or that I don't wonder what might have happened if I hadn't put a stop to things. For me a boundary is put in place to prevent harm to me, emotional or physical and to preserve my dignity and self esteem. There's a sliding scale of what I'll accept and I'll take certain behaviours from my children for instance that I wouldn't from other people.

You can be emotionally warm and still have good boundaries, you just need to establish where is the healthiest place to invest that emotion.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How do you get the balance right between having healthy boundaries and not being too emotionally cold?

Having boundaries is something I’ve struggled with massively, it’s evident in all of my previous experiences over the years, countless people have said things like “why don’t you just cut that person off?” Well when you have no boundaries it’s hard to have that emotional strength and self esteem to be able to walk away from situations and you end up letting people treat you like shit.

I’m 14 about to be 15 sessions into my counselling now and she’s noticed a change in me already, so have my close friends, I just don’t want to become cold. I don’t think I have it in me to be cold anyway but just curious to know at what point or points do people know when to walk away from a situation or person.

Is it like an automatic thing or is it something you have to fight against?

I had a situation recently where I felt like I was cutting my nose off to spite my face, I said no to a guy who I previously had dealings with, knowing that he’s not a good choice but I still wanted to see him so although I said no I did feel a bit like I’d missed out.

I’m not explaining this well but hopefully you get what I mean.

What do you mean emotionally cold?

You can still care about someone or look out for them without it adversely affecting yourself.

I think its about getting used to new intensity of feelings and how we respond to them. Must be hard switching to dialled down reaction when you are condition to feel everything so intensely? It will take time, Annie. Look at this as not being triggered so easily anymore. And that's a huge progress. "

That makes sense.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"For me a boundary is put in place to prevent harm to me, emotional or physical and to preserve my dignity and self esteem."

That is so well explained.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I think it's useful to understand that expression of emotion doesn't always equal intensity of emotion. Those of us who are less expressive or perceived to be emotionally cold don't necessarily feel things any less. You can feel deeply and express it without extremes.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales


"I think it's useful to understand that expression of emotion doesn't always equal intensity of emotion. Those of us who are less expressive or perceived to be emotionally cold don't necessarily feel things any less. You can feel deeply and express it without extremes."

That’s a very good point

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Just finished my session.

One of the problems I’ve had is giving the guy all the control and being too accommodating. For example if a guy asked to see me I’d move heaven and earth to make it happen even if it wasn’t a good time for me when I should just say no but another time would be good. My fear has always been if I said no once they wouldn’t ask again! It’s mad. My homework for next week is centred around boundaries so we can do more work on that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just finished my session.

One of the problems I’ve had is giving the guy all the control and being too accommodating. For example if a guy asked to see me I’d move heaven and earth to make it happen even if it wasn’t a good time for me when I should just say no but another time would be good. My fear has always been if I said no once they wouldn’t ask again! It’s mad. My homework for next week is centred around boundaries so we can do more work on that. "

I can see why that would be. Having read your previous posts, it seems you didn't get the attention you needed when you were younger. As a result, you fear that if you let someone down once, then it's disaster for your relationship and they wouldn't want you anymore. It's good that you're learning from it though hopefully realise that if the relationship is special, then the other person will be more understanding of your life and commitments

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just finished my session.

One of the problems I’ve had is giving the guy all the control and being too accommodating. For example if a guy asked to see me I’d move heaven and earth to make it happen even if it wasn’t a good time for me when I should just say no but another time would be good. My fear has always been if I said no once they wouldn’t ask again! It’s mad. My homework for next week is centred around boundaries so we can do more work on that.

I can see why that would be. Having read your previous posts, it seems you didn't get the attention you needed when you were younger. As a result, you fear that if you let someone down once, then it's disaster for your relationship and they wouldn't want you anymore. It's good that you're learning from it though hopefully realise that if the relationship is special, then the other person will be more understanding of your life and commitments "

I re-phrase, not if the relationship is special, but if it's normal

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

.


"Just finished my session.

One of the problems I’ve had is giving the guy all the control and being too accommodating. For example if a guy asked to see me I’d move heaven and earth to make it happen even if it wasn’t a good time for me when I should just say no but another time would be good. My fear has always been if I said no once they wouldn’t ask again! It’s mad."

I do this as well, I'm worried if I'm not there when someone wants me they suddenly won't any more which can lead to me feeling uncomfortable and going along with things so the other person is happy. It's not an easy thing to get out of the habit of doing so I wish you luck Annie, x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I read something the other day that was along the lines of

If it’s a choice between disappointing yourself, and disappointing someone else, always disappoint someone else.

It’s partly about people pleasing, which I do too, but I’m working on it as well.

You can have healthy boundaries without being cold, it’s about doing what’s best for you, and not for someone else.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Meant to add, it sounds like you’re doing brilliantly , that takes a lot of courage.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Just finished my session.

One of the problems I’ve had is giving the guy all the control and being too accommodating. For example if a guy asked to see me I’d move heaven and earth to make it happen even if it wasn’t a good time for me when I should just say no but another time would be good. My fear has always been if I said no once they wouldn’t ask again! It’s mad. My homework for next week is centred around boundaries so we can do more work on that.

I can see why that would be. Having read your previous posts, it seems you didn't get the attention you needed when you were younger. As a result, you fear that if you let someone down once, then it's disaster for your relationship and they wouldn't want you anymore. It's good that you're learning from it though hopefully realise that if the relationship is special, then the other person will be more understanding of your life and commitments "

I wouldn’t really say it’s because I didn’t get the attention I needed when I was younger and that’s not something my counsellor has brought up either.

I had plenty of attention, I was worshipped by my paternal grandparents, I had holidays, had 3 wardrobes in my bedroom each for different purposes, fancy clothes, school clothes and playing clothes. I had every toy, electronic devices, my megadrive my SNES, I wanted for nothing. It wasn’t a lack of attention or that I was left to my own devices, dragged up like some feral child.

We’ve established that my issue is solely with men. I have no problem having boundaries with friendships, in fact all my friends would say I was stubborn and blunt, an example being if four of us were going out for food each choosing a different restaurant, we’d eat in the one I wanted to eat at. I can say no to people in general.

My issues are from what I’ve observed. A step father that was a steroid user with mood swings. Me coming home from school and having to go straight out with my friends without having tea because ‘he was in a mood’. It’s all other similar shit without going in to detail but neither myself or my counsellor would say that I was starved of attention or affection as a child.

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)


"I read something the other day that was along the lines of

If it’s a choice between disappointing yourself, and disappointing someone else, always disappoint someone else.

It’s partly about people pleasing, which I do too, but I’m working on it as well.

You can have healthy boundaries without being cold, it’s about doing what’s best for you, and not for someone else. "

Exactly this.

I really struggle to put myself and my needs first at times so I can absolutely agree with this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just finished my session.

One of the problems I’ve had is giving the guy all the control and being too accommodating. For example if a guy asked to see me I’d move heaven and earth to make it happen even if it wasn’t a good time for me when I should just say no but another time would be good. My fear has always been if I said no once they wouldn’t ask again! It’s mad. My homework for next week is centred around boundaries so we can do more work on that.

I can see why that would be. Having read your previous posts, it seems you didn't get the attention you needed when you were younger. As a result, you fear that if you let someone down once, then it's disaster for your relationship and they wouldn't want you anymore. It's good that you're learning from it though hopefully realise that if the relationship is special, then the other person will be more understanding of your life and commitments

I wouldn’t really say it’s because I didn’t get the attention I needed when I was younger and that’s not something my counsellor has brought up either.

I had plenty of attention, I was worshipped by my paternal grandparents, I had holidays, had 3 wardrobes in my bedroom each for different purposes, fancy clothes, school clothes and playing clothes. I had every toy, electronic devices, my megadrive my SNES, I wanted for nothing. It wasn’t a lack of attention or that I was left to my own devices, dragged up like some feral child.

We’ve established that my issue is solely with men. I have no problem having boundaries with friendships, in fact all my friends would say I was stubborn and blunt, an example being if four of us were going out for food each choosing a different restaurant, we’d eat in the one I wanted to eat at. I can say no to people in general.

My issues are from what I’ve observed. A step father that was a steroid user with mood swings. Me coming home from school and having to go straight out with my friends without having tea because ‘he was in a mood’. It’s all other similar shit without going in to detail but neither myself or my counsellor would say that I was starved of attention or affection as a child. "

Ahhh my apologies then, I must have mis-remembered your previous posts. Good luck with the rest of your sessions though and hope you can find some peace and comfort as a result.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Self preservation and saying no took me years to master.

I used to be a people pleaser at the detriment of myself.

With so-called friends but mostly in relationships.

I have made peace with it that I probably won't be in another full time relationship because I just can't find those boundaries and end up hurting myself.

I have cut out everyone that makes me feel bad including family members.

I hope you get the answers you're looking for OP.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Is not feeling the need to explain or defend yourself classed as having boundaries?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Is not feeling the need to explain or defend yourself classed as having boundaries? "

I don't think so. I think that's having confidence in decisions you've made and not feeling you need to appease people because you've made them

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

[Removed by poster at 20/05/21 16:13:50]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just wanted to say well done on going to get help and it’s great that the changes are noticeable, it’s not an easy thing to do ! X

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