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Empathy

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I lost mine I try to understand other people's feelings. Seeing things in my life has hardened my feelings twords others. Tough nut to crack to gain that understanding back. Was told most Americans lack empathy I think they are right.

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By *elle xWoman
over a year ago

Doire Theas

I’m the opposite I probably care more about other peoples feelings than I do my own x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you want it back expose yourself to things that hurt you in the past.. for example start volunteering for the charity which goals you can relate to. If you dive in, you'll be bombarded with a meaningful stimuli I hope and that should break down the walls of numbness. If that's what you want that is. Sometimes one can feel too much too so don't be tough on yourself. Or in other words have empathy for yourself too, if possible

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Also.. sometimes we need a break if feelings are a chaos.. and becoming desensitised is a form of self protection. Temporary solution though I think.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think everyone’s been through such a tough time and have such different stories during the last year..... I think anyway anyone is feeing should be totally acceptable as it’s what makes us unique that we all have our own thoughts and feelings ..... stay strong and do what’s best for you xxxxx

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

I think of empathy as something we naturally possess, otherwise we would not help people, sometimes at our own expense. I know empathy and helping aren't the same thing but one is usually at play which can prompt the other.

In times of stress/ trauma, when we are under threat, experienced a loss etc our empathy for others can temporarily diminish - after all that is a time where self-care is needed to remain ok.

I have been in situations where my head told me that empathy was completely wasted on that person - yet I could not switch it off. I don't think I could ever fully turn it off, regardless, even though there have been times when I wished I could.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

In times of stress/ trauma, when we are under threat, experienced a loss etc our empathy for others can temporarily diminish - after all that is a time where self-care is needed to remain ok.

I have been in situations where my head told me that empathy was completely wasted on that person - yet I could not switch it off. I don't think I could ever fully turn it off, regardless, even though there have been times when I wished I could.

"

Self preservation right? Put your oxygen on first.

I don't think empathy can be turned off just because we feel it is 'wasted' somewhat. I don't think we fully control it, do we? It just flicks.

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By *nSeeNMan
over a year ago

Z'ha'dum

Don't they say only psychopaths lack empathy.

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By *ockosaurusMan
over a year ago

Warwick


"I’m the opposite I probably care more about other peoples feelings than I do my own x"

I'm the same and unfortunately in the past it's had a detrimental effect on me as I always put myself last.

I've been working on caring for myself as much as others and it's definitely making me, and surprisingly the people around me, happier.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I think it's a cause of my military experiences. I care for my husband but nothing for anyone else. It's supposed to be a feminine trait. I just don't get upset like I am told I should be. My brain always go to it could be worse for the other person or that's how life works attitude.

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

My job and my life has made me a tough cookie. My heart has a shield around it these days.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Don't they say only psychopaths lack empathy. "

Yes but I try my best to keep the psycho inside me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think it's a cause of my military experiences. I care for my husband but nothing for anyone else. It's supposed to be a feminine trait. I just don't get upset like I am told I should be. My brain always go to it could be worse for the other person or that's how life works attitude."

That's not what I understand empathy to be

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By *ora the explorerWoman
over a year ago

Paradise, Herts

I’m empathetic. It’s sympathy I’m crap at. Giving and receiving.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Experiencing things in your life should make you more empathetic to others, not less.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Experiencing things in your life should make you more empathetic to others, not less. "

This is true for some, yet others can feel a little jaded with things they have seen.

I guess it depends on what you've experienced and your situation at the time x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think it's a cause of my military experiences. I care for my husband but nothing for anyone else. It's supposed to be a feminine trait. I just don't get upset like I am told I should be. My brain always go to it could be worse for the other person or that's how life works attitude."

I don’t think it’s a feminine trait. I know some men are like this, or most men are too. Because of my upbringing I lack of it. But I learn how to be sometime by copying to be the part. I find myself helping a total stranger in the street or at the supermarket

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think it's a cause of my military experiences. I care for my husband but nothing for anyone else. It's supposed to be a feminine trait. I just don't get upset like I am told I should be. My brain always go to it could be worse for the other person or that's how life works attitude.

I don’t think it’s a feminine trait. I know some men are like this, or most men are too. Because of my upbringing I lack of it. But I learn how to be sometime by copying to be the part. I find myself helping a total stranger in the street or at the supermarket "

That's not empathy either

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By *lice MaliceWoman
over a year ago

The Facility


"Don't they say only psychopaths lack empathy. "

Psychopaths don't lack empathy, but they can switch it on and off.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think everyone’s been through such a tough time and have such different stories during the last year..... I think anyway anyone is feeing should be totally acceptable as it’s what makes us unique that we all have our own thoughts and feelings ..... stay strong and do what’s best for you xxxxx"

Good advice plus all the baggage of life be good to yourself and you’re humanity that’s all we can ask or do !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think it's a cause of my military experiences. I care for my husband but nothing for anyone else. It's supposed to be a feminine trait. I just don't get upset like I am told I should be. My brain always go to it could be worse for the other person or that's how life works attitude.

I don’t think it’s a feminine trait. I know some men are like this, or most men are too. Because of my upbringing I lack of it. But I learn how to be sometime by copying to be the part. I find myself helping a total stranger in the street or at the supermarket

That's not empathy either "

Yes it is. I think I know what I have been living for so long....

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By *lueEyesEnigmaMan
over a year ago

Dublin


"I’m empathetic. It’s sympathy I’m crap at. Giving and receiving. "

I'am the same, even when things get tough and curve balls get thrown at me I do harden, I never lose empathy though.

I don't need or care for sympathy

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Experiencing things in your life should make you more empathetic to others, not less. "

Unfortunately that doesn't work. You basically learn to turn it off because you have to for self preservation. Then over time it disappears.That circuit breaker in my mind is permanently tripped. Always in self preservation mode.

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By *host63Man
over a year ago

Bedfont Feltham

You can only take so many knovkbacks and bad treatment before you develop that shell of indifference

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"You can only take so many knovkbacks and bad treatment before you develop that shell of indifference "

That is a form of protecting yourself - a defense mechanism that kicks in.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I’m the opposite I probably care more about other peoples feelings than I do my own x"

This is me ..,

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"I think it's a cause of my military experiences. I care for my husband but nothing for anyone else. It's supposed to be a feminine trait. I just don't get upset like I am told I should be. My brain always go to it could be worse for the other person or that's how life works attitude.

I don’t think it’s a feminine trait. I know some men are like this, or most men are too. Because of my upbringing I lack of it. But I learn how to be sometime by copying to be the part. I find myself helping a total stranger in the street or at the supermarket

That's not empathy either "

Empathy is often described as the ability to put yourself into somebody else's shoes.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Liverpool


"I think it's a cause of my military experiences. I care for my husband but nothing for anyone else. It's supposed to be a feminine trait. I just don't get upset like I am told I should be. My brain always go to it could be worse for the other person or that's how life works attitude.

I don’t think it’s a feminine trait. I know some men are like this, or most men are too. Because of my upbringing I lack of it. But I learn how to be sometime by copying to be the part. I find myself helping a total stranger in the street or at the supermarket

That's not empathy either

Yes it is. I think I know what I have been living for so long.... "
helping them with what exactly?

Empathy is about understanding and sharing the feelings of others. The ability to put yourself in their shoes and not only imagine but also feel. Not only care, but the ability to care in a way that allows you to relate your feelings to theirs, with or without the experience of the cause.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think everyone’s been through such a tough time and have such different stories during the last year..... I think anyway anyone is feeing should be totally acceptable as it’s what makes us unique that we all have our own thoughts and feelings ..... stay strong and do what’s best for you xxxxx

Good advice plus all the baggage of life be good to yourself and you’re humanity that’s all we can ask or do ! "

Thank you x

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By *andyMinx_tvTV/TS
over a year ago

Leeds


"Experiencing things in your life should make you more empathetic to others, not less.

Unfortunately that doesn't work. You basically learn to turn it off because you have to for self preservation. Then over time it disappears.That circuit breaker in my mind is permanently tripped. Always in self preservation mode."

I have had issues with empathy OP, so much so that I needed to understand why. I would recommend reading Zero Degrees Of Empathy by Simon Baron-Cohen. If you can understand why, you are in a far stronger position to help yourself change for the better.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Experiencing things in your life should make you more empathetic to others, not less.

Unfortunately that doesn't work. You basically learn to turn it off because you have to for self preservation. Then over time it disappears.That circuit breaker in my mind is permanently tripped. Always in self preservation mode."

Not gonna lie..but that's a good way to be, at the moment anyway. Good many people see 'emotional intelligence' or sensitivity as a weakness not a virtue.

I damn well keep others at a distance, people can be parasitic, vampiric at times if you let them in. So bloody don't!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Experiencing things in your life should make you more empathetic to others, not less.

Unfortunately that doesn't work. You basically learn to turn it off because you have to for self preservation. Then over time it disappears.That circuit breaker in my mind is permanently tripped. Always in self preservation mode."

Do you see it as a bad thing? Or is it just that other people tell you that you should feel empathy?

If they care about you they would understand what you've been through. Don't beat yourself up about it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Experiencing things in your life should make you more empathetic to others, not less.

Unfortunately that doesn't work. You basically learn to turn it off because you have to for self preservation. Then over time it disappears.That circuit breaker in my mind is permanently tripped. Always in self preservation mode.

Do you see it as a bad thing? Or is it just that other people tell you that you should feel empathy?

If they care about you they would understand what you've been through. Don't beat yourself up about it. "

It's others I view my faults for not having it as a personal choice to adapt to horrible situations. I try and explain that disconnect it's hard to make them understand just like it is for them to make me understand. It's weird.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Experiencing things in your life should make you more empathetic to others, not less.

Unfortunately that doesn't work. You basically learn to turn it off because you have to for self preservation. Then over time it disappears.That circuit breaker in my mind is permanently tripped. Always in self preservation mode.

Do you see it as a bad thing? Or is it just that other people tell you that you should feel empathy?

If they care about you they would understand what you've been through. Don't beat yourself up about it.

It's others I view my faults for not having it as a personal choice to adapt to horrible situations. I try and explain that disconnect it's hard to make them understand just like it is for them to make me understand. It's weird."

We only have one life if we make it the best we can then that should be enough.

Some people have been given horrendous things to endure, for some that is life altering it does not mean they are weak, others get through and from the outside look to be strong and learned from it. In some cases they could be. In a lot they are just as effected and trying to internalise issues and forget.

Either way we are, I’m included in this, shaped by events in our lives, however don’t let them define you.

My view on empathy is complex is it actually even empathy. Not sympathy or pity, plus empathy is it just for the other person or the thanks the giver receives.

I think the first lessons school should give is that life isn’t fair, get that reality out of the way. Is algebra more useful than teaching about relationships or even grief real issues in life.

Over the last year I spoken regularly to someone who has asbergers,when I was at school i was just thick.so expectations were low.

It seems now if you are given a ‘condition with a name’ you are put into small learning groups and the expectations are average. From what I learned they are taught exactly the same way as the mainstream but in smaller numbers.

Asbergers isn’t a handicap, but what realised this year I had to find a different way to learn. To this day I can’t do 7 or 8 times tables. I do know the periodic table by memory. I left school with no qualifications

But I later passed an engineering exam without going to a single class the first time I saw the regulations was at the exam.

I went on in my 30s to do an MBA and i had job where I would present the company figures to the stock exchange

Still not knowing my 7 or 8 times table

So my point finally is, I was the thick kid I got pity and written off so that was my fuel, to prove me right not them wrong.

So with the person that asbergers it would be easy to give empathy, poor you

Or say well I got through it do it this way, everyone should find their own balance and direction

So instead of empathy my view has been to try to get them to think differently not the usual way taught by teachers who try but don’t have the skills or the time needed.

Again my view schools don’t teach life skills because a majority ( not all ) only know school life

School - gap year- uni - school teacher

So what ever situation the person who needs empathy, let them know you can’t fix them or make the past disappear, but listen truly listen.

Then don’t just then go in and on and tell them it could be worse or tell them your problem.

If you want to be truly empathetic, expect no reward, let the person say what the issue is. Then find out what would give them some balance back. A target that they’ve achieved with your support.

Often it feel like the issue is so huge that it’s impossible, small success will build some balance.

Regularly check in, don’t give up on them be tough if a target hasn’t been done ask why, make them take responsibility.

Then make sure they understand you will be there if they fall.

So empathy for me is a commitment, it’s guidance,most people aren’t qualified to provide psychiatric advice or care.

Like my friend with asbergers anyone struggling with any issue that is significantly affecting them, they aren’t weak or failures they are different to what is crudely called normal at that point

They don’t need pity, patronising, there life fixing by someone else

Life isn’t fair, but we can help make it balance and catch them if they fall.

So my final thought is if anyone on here is at the bottom of the deepest darkest black hole.(not as in a coal miner )

Message me I won’t shout down the hole. I will jump down into it with you. Because I was down that hole myself and I know the way out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think most people lack empathy OP

Being able to truly put yourself in someone else's shoes and feel what they are feeling is a lot more difficult than it sounds

Especially if your life experiences are drastically different from theirs.

I think most people feel sympathy and compassion which is not the same at all.

I'm sure the life of a true empath is really difficult!

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By *rMojoRisinMan
over a year ago

Sheffield


"Experiencing things in your life should make you more empathetic to others, not less. "

True, but our well of empathy can run dry at times.

Mines been drawn from so much over the last 12 months, I’m finding it tough to care.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Experiencing things in your life should make you more empathetic to others, not less.

True, but our well of empathy can run dry at times.

Mines been drawn from so much over the last 12 months, I’m finding it tough to care. "

Perhaps that’s the sheffield side of you and me

Bad things can shape a life but some let it define them

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place


"Experiencing things in your life should make you more empathetic to others, not less.

Unfortunately that doesn't work. You basically learn to turn it off because you have to for self preservation. Then over time it disappears.That circuit breaker in my mind is permanently tripped. Always in self preservation mode."

That’s not a healthy way to live. If you’re constantly in self preservation mode you will be producing cortisol and adrenaline which can have some nasty effects on the body. Ironically self preservation can be the opposite.

Empathy releases other hormones which actually have a positive effect on health.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Experiencing things in your life should make you more empathetic to others, not less.

Unfortunately that doesn't work. You basically learn to turn it off because you have to for self preservation. Then over time it disappears.That circuit breaker in my mind is permanently tripped. Always in self preservation mode.

Do you see it as a bad thing? Or is it just that other people tell you that you should feel empathy?

If they care about you they would understand what you've been through. Don't beat yourself up about it.

It's others I view my faults for not having it as a personal choice to adapt to horrible situations. I try and explain that disconnect it's hard to make them understand just like it is for them to make me understand. It's weird."

Sounds like they are berating you for having no empathy yet they are having no empathy about you and your past. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Experiencing things in your life should make you more empathetic to others, not less.

Unfortunately that doesn't work. You basically learn to turn it off because you have to for self preservation. Then over time it disappears.That circuit breaker in my mind is permanently tripped. Always in self preservation mode.

Do you see it as a bad thing? Or is it just that other people tell you that you should feel empathy?

If they care about you they would understand what you've been through. Don't beat yourself up about it.

It's others I view my faults for not having it as a personal choice to adapt to horrible situations. I try and explain that disconnect it's hard to make them understand just like it is for them to make me understand. It's weird.

We only have one life if we make it the best we can then that should be enough.

Some people have been given horrendous things to endure, for some that is life altering it does not mean they are weak, others get through and from the outside look to be strong and learned from it. In some cases they could be. In a lot they are just as effected and trying to internalise issues and forget.

Either way we are, I’m included in this, shaped by events in our lives, however don’t let them define you.

My view on empathy is complex is it actually even empathy. Not sympathy or pity, plus empathy is it just for the other person or the thanks the giver receives.

I think the first lessons school should give is that life isn’t fair, get that reality out of the way. Is algebra more useful than teaching about relationships or even grief real issues in life.

Over the last year I spoken regularly to someone who has asbergers,when I was at school i was just thick.so expectations were low.

It seems now if you are given a ‘condition with a name’ you are put into small learning groups and the expectations are average. From what I learned they are taught exactly the same way as the mainstream but in smaller numbers.

Asbergers isn’t a handicap, but what realised this year I had to find a different way to learn. To this day I can’t do 7 or 8 times tables. I do know the periodic table by memory. I left school with no qualifications

But I later passed an engineering exam without going to a single class the first time I saw the regulations was at the exam.

I went on in my 30s to do an MBA and i had job where I would present the company figures to the stock exchange

Still not knowing my 7 or 8 times table

So my point finally is, I was the thick kid I got pity and written off so that was my fuel, to prove me right not them wrong.

So with the person that asbergers it would be easy to give empathy, poor you

Or say well I got through it do it this way, everyone should find their own balance and direction

So instead of empathy my view has been to try to get them to think differently not the usual way taught by teachers who try but don’t have the skills or the time needed.

Again my view schools don’t teach life skills because a majority ( not all ) only know school life

School - gap year- uni - school teacher

So what ever situation the person who needs empathy, let them know you can’t fix them or make the past disappear, but listen truly listen.

Then don’t just then go in and on and tell them it could be worse or tell them your problem.

If you want to be truly empathetic, expect no reward, let the person say what the issue is. Then find out what would give them some balance back. A target that they’ve achieved with your support.

Often it feel like the issue is so huge that it’s impossible, small success will build some balance.

Regularly check in, don’t give up on them be tough if a target hasn’t been done ask why, make them take responsibility.

Then make sure they understand you will be there if they fall.

So empathy for me is a commitment, it’s guidance,most people aren’t qualified to provide psychiatric advice or care.

Like my friend with asbergers anyone struggling with any issue that is significantly affecting them, they aren’t weak or failures they are different to what is crudely called normal at that point

They don’t need pity, patronising, there life fixing by someone else

Life isn’t fair, but we can help make it balance and catch them if they fall.

So my final thought is if anyone on here is at the bottom of the deepest darkest black hole.(not as in a coal miner )

Message me I won’t shout down the hole. I will jump down into it with you. Because I was down that hole myself and I know the way out

"

Empathy can be learned?

Not 'faked' but it's too early to think of a better word, sorry.

Acted maybe?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think most people lack empathy OP

Being able to truly put yourself in someone else's shoes and feel what they are feeling is a lot more difficult than it sounds

Especially if your life experiences are drastically different from theirs.

I think most people feel sympathy and compassion which is not the same at all.

I'm sure the life of a true empath is really difficult!

"

This ^^^ actual empathy is a rare thing. Caring, sympathy, compassion, kindness, understanding, sensitivity etc (can go on) are all different to empathy ...

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By *ellhungvweMan
over a year ago

Cheltenham

I think a lot of people in this thread have confused empathy with some more akin to sympathy.

Empathy is about being able to put yourself in their position, being able to understand why they are feeling the way they are and thus what makes them act in the way they do. You don’t have to agree with them to be able to understand their position.

The term has become misused recently to imply that you care about their position. That is not what it actually means.

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