FabSwingers.com forum: Jokes

By *ieselJuice OP Man
over a year ago

Stratford

Anyone got any good jokes to share? Dont matter how crude or naughty, BUT NO jokes involving children, please!

One of my fav jokes:

A lesbian joins the weight watchers club, teacher says "you are what you eat". Lesbian says "you calling me a cunt?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

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By *oungalpha20Man
over a year ago

North West /Cumbria

What does a gay horse have for breakfast dinner and tea?

hay Hay HAY

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By *oungalpha20Man
over a year ago

North West /Cumbria

What do you call a man that can't stand?

Neil

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 elephants jump off a cliff...

... boom boom

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I have no idea but it hurt like hell!"

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

Went to a friends funeral today. He died after being hit on the head by a Tennis Ball. It was a lovely service.

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By *lbinoGorillaMan
over a year ago

Redditch

Why is a woman like a KFC?

Because when you're finished with the breast and the thigh all you're left with is a greasy box to put your bone in

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can’t marmalade your cock up a woman’s arse

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By *ieselJuice OP Man
over a year ago

Stratford

"Went to a friends funeral today. He died after being hit on the head by a Tennis Ball. It was a lovely service."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom

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By *ntrepid ExplorersCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

"What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

No. So passe.... try my pot modern version.

What's Brown and sticky?

Poo.

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By *ntrepid ExplorersCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

I don't tell Dad jokes.

He never understands them.

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By *ollydoesWoman
over a year ago

Shangri-La

What do you call a cow with no legs..

Ground beef..

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

Are you allowed to laugh out loud in Hawiia or only say a low ha ?

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By *ntrepid ExplorersCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

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By *ntrepid ExplorersCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

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By *ussieChrisMan
over a year ago

Walsall

What Re the similarities between women and the weather?

When it's when you go inside..

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

wWhat do you cal a man with no legs and no arms that swims the Channel?

A clever dick

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. One yells out

"Ooo I've never come this way before"

and the other one says

"I'm not surprised, there's roadworks and a diversion".

Bernard Righton at his best.

https://youtu.be/4kI-PHegT34

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

There was a very sexually frustrated eagle flying around the skies...

All of a sudden he spots a dove ...sweeps down and has his way with the dove...

When he finnished and flies away the dove goes "I'm a dove, I'm a dove and I've just made love......and I liked it"....

But the eagle is still sexually frustrated and is still roaming the skies in search of another prey...when he spots a tit so he swoops down and has his wicked way with the tit when he finnished and flew away the tit goes "I'm a tit, I'm a tit, and I've just had a bit.........and I liked it.."

However the eagle is still not satisfied and is still searching for more fun...

He spots a duck so he sweeps down and again has his wicked way with the duck and when he's finished and flies off the duck goes " I'm a drake, I'm a drake you've just made a mistake......but i liked it"

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By *heMightySpud69Man
over a year ago

Milton keynes

Why did the rabbit cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 nuns in the bath, one says "where's the soap?" the other one replies "it does, doesn't it!"

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By *inister_SpinsterWoman
over a year ago

Manchester(ish).

"What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's red and sticky ?

A bonfire

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's red and lies in the gutter... A dead bus

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Where does a general keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

P.s. I'm going to keep telling this joke until someone laughs

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By *heMightySpud69Man
over a year ago

Milton keynes

What's black and white, and red all over?

A panda in a blender

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's black and white, and red all over?

A panda in a blender"

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By *heMightySpud69Man
over a year ago

Milton keynes

"What's black and white, and red all over?

A panda in a blender

Aww, it's ok, it's not real *hugs*

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are good at it.

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By *nimaginativeUsernameMan
over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

My friend finally achieved his ambition to commit suicide by being run over by a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Here's one for you

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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago

STOKE ON TRENT

"Here's one for you

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

I just applied for a job at Citroen.

Sent in 2 CVs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two nuns, riding bikes down a cobbled street..

1st nun turns to 2nd nun, n say I've never cum this way b4

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By *odgerMooreMan
over a year ago

Nowhere

I stopped in a lay-by and there was a sign said No Dumping. That was alright as I was just having a piss…

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By *ean counterMan
over a year ago

Market Harborough/ Kettering

Just been to my grandad's funeral he died peacefully in his sleep, was a shame about his 52 passengers

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Here's one for you

Here's another

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By *orksRockerMan
over a year ago

Bradford

"Two nuns, riding bikes down a cobbled street..

1st nun turns to 2nd nun, n say I've never cum this way b4 "

Of all the jokes in the world

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

There are two types of people.

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I quit my job at the helium factory today. No one talks to me in that tone of voice!

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By *lbinoGorillaMan
over a year ago

Redditch

Which is the smallest pub in the world?

The Thalidomide Arms

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By *lbinoGorillaMan
over a year ago

Redditch

Teacher asks a primary school class if anyone can make a sentence with the word "contagious" in it.

Little Johnny sticks his hand up and says "I can, Miss. Our next door neighbour's just started painting the outside of his house with a half inch paint brush and my dad says it'll take the contagious"

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

"There are two types of people.

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data"

There are 10 types of people in the world...

People who understand binary notation and people who don't.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

"There are two types of people.

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

There are 10 types of people in the world...

People who understand binary notation and people who don't.

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By *Marvel-Man
over a year ago

In The Gym

What do you call an expert fisherman?

A Master Baiter

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

Here's a visual joke for you..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

D*unk guy goes into a jewellers and whips his cock out. The female counter assistant looks at him and says in a posh voice This is a clock shop NOT a cock shop. D*unk guy replies. I know get a couple of fuckin hands on that

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By *lbinoGorillaMan
over a year ago

Redditch

What do you call an Indian sheep shagger?

Ramalam

What do you call an Indian sheep shagger with a bell round his neck?

Ramalamadingdong

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 13/05/21 11:09:24]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two old ladies went to a male strip club.one had a stroke but the other couldn't reach

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I apologise in advance to all the blondes out there...

What do blondes and turtles have in common?

If they're in their backs, they're fucked.

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By *indfeedfuckCouple
over a year ago

Harlow

I knew the woman I was driving home was a witch because when she put her hand on my knee I turned into a lay-by

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 13/05/21 11:17:26]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Three hours the wife and I were shagging lastnight.When we eventually finished she said Could you not think of anyone either

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Crack Dealer was walking along selling Crack.

A man intruded and said "why are you doing that? Don't you know it fucks up people?"

So Crack...he hit him!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A Crack Dealer was walking along selling Crack.

A man intruded and said "why are you doing that? Don't you know it fucks up people?"

So Crack...he hit him!"
... and Crack went the sound of the 9"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A Crack Dealer was walking along selling Crack.

A man intruded and said "why are you doing that? Don't you know it fucks up people?"

So Crack...he hit him!... and Crack went the sound of the 9""
..and the sound of the chamber when it was empty!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

BREAKING: Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that due to the new Indian covid variant people will now be offered the Pun jab

Please start taking this Indian Covid Variant seriously !! my neighbour caught it and has been in a korma for a week and he's only just buried his naan.

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By *rborfieldguy90Man
over a year ago

Arborfield

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.. apologies

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

"I don't tell Dad jokes.

He never understands them."

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By *lappyMan
over a year ago

Manchester

I’m in the process of organising a huge game of hide and seek but good players are hard to find

Rita is retiring from the local petrol service after 35 years service, I must admit when I heard the news I was filling up

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By *atBottomGirlsWoman
over a year ago

St Austell-ish

There are 3 types of people in this world.

Those who can count, and those who can't.

*********************************

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house.

***

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

The chicken.

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By *anted by NightMan
over a year ago

Shangri-La

If you’re over 40 it’s no longer called masturbation. It’s called system check

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By *anted by NightMan
over a year ago

Shangri-La

Have you heard of a new movie called “Constipation”? It hasn’t come out yet

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By *anted by NightMan
over a year ago

Shangri-La

Before I die I’m going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

That will make the cremation ceremony more interesting

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the chicken cross the road? To speak to the idiot.

Knock knock?

Who's there?

The chicken

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What has an apple and a rasher of bacon got in common?

Neither of them can drive a Tractor

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's pink and hard??

A pig with a flick knife

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

two midgets wanted a baby .They went to the doctor who asked them if they wanted a baby girl or a baby boy. The midgets said they didnt mind as long as it fitted inside a cannon.

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By *nimaginativeUsernameMan
over a year ago

Rochester, Kent

My friend finally succeeded in his wish to commit suicide by steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My life is a joke

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By *rwhowhatwherewhyMan
over a year ago

Aylesbury

Why should you never wear Soviet y-fronts? Because Chernobyl fallout

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By *dventurous biMan
over a year ago

tesside

A white horse walked into a bar and ordered a pint of bitter.

The barman said “Bitter? But we have a whisky that’s named after you”

The horse said “What? Eric!”

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By *egetsmewet100Couple
over a year ago

thurrock

What do u call a man with really short legs????

Tony (Toe-knee)

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

Why have elephants got big ears?

'coz Noddy won't pay the ransom.

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

"I apologise in advance to all the blondes out there...

What do blondes and turtles have in common?

If they're in their backs, they're fucked. "

Then there's the one about the two blondes feeling very pleased with themselves for finishing the jigsaw puzzle in 3 days when it says on the box 3 to 5 years.

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

This one's for the Glasgow fabbers...

What's the biggest difference between Walt Disney and Lulu?

Lulu sings. Walt Disney

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Give you an indication how old that joke is

The original version was

Difference between bing Crosby and Walt disney

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

"Give you an indication how old that joke is

The original version was

Difference between bing Crosby and Walt disney"

and Bing Crosby was still performing!

Mow I'm trying to remember who told it. - A comedian who could do the Glaswegian accent....

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By *inksAPlentyCouple
over a year ago

Bedfordshire

I was in the pub with a mate the other week and a group of lads started causing trouble trying to make a fight with us,

My mate whispered "if we pretend to be the police they will leave us alone"

I got halfway through the first verse of Roxanne and they kicked the shit out of us!!

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By *aomilatteCouple
over a year ago

Midlands

A couple got caught having sex last night in our local multi storey car park. It was wrong on so many levels...

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By *aomilatteCouple
over a year ago

Midlands

Our very good friend Gavin has passed away from severe indigestion. We can't believe Gav is gone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free. But the bull charges

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By *lynJMan
over a year ago

Morden

How many elephants can you get in a mini?

4, two in the front and two in the back.

How many giraffes can you get in a mini?

You can't, it's full of elephants already.

I'll get my coat.

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By *idnight RamblerMan
over a year ago

Pershore

So Janet Street-Porter walks into a bar and says "Could I have a large aperitif?"

The barman looks up and says "I very much doubt it love".

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By *heVoyeur75Man
over a year ago

Jarrow

2 nuns sharing a bath. One asks Where's the soap, the second replies, it does doesn't it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A girl calls her mother in tears. "Mum, I want a divorce", she cries.

"A divorce? Why?" asks her mother, shocked.

"All he wants in bed is anal sex!" the daughter replies. "I used to have a tight little arsehole, the size of a 5p piece, and now it's the size of a 50p piece!"

The mother replies, "Sweetie, you drive a Porsche, have two beautiful children in a private school, a villa in Provence, six holidays a year, and a platinum credit card. Do you want to give all that up for 45p?!"

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By *ob Carpe DiemMan
over a year ago

Torquay

I met a dalek in the pub who said he was from Devon, where in Devon are you from mate I said, he said EXETER MATE EXETER MATE!

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By *ower Couple - NorfolkCouple
over a year ago

Watton

I have always loved, but please don’t be offended

What do you call a man with a small penis?

Justin

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

"There are 3 types of people in this world.

Those who can count, and those who can't.

*********************************

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house.

***

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

The chicken."

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

"How many elephants can you get in a mini?

4, two in the front and two in the back.

How many giraffes can you get in a mini?

You can't, it's full of elephants already.

I'll get my coat."

What about the elephant in the trunk

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

[Removed by poster at 25/06/22 00:09:28]

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

"I met a dalek in the pub who said he was from Devon, where in Devon are you from mate I said, he said EXETER MATE EXETER MATE!"

I'm stood here saying that in a dalek voice

It works

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By *ildmanYorksMan
over a year ago

Doncaster & Bembridge

After successful trials of cars that run on parsley and lorries ta run on sage, engineers are attempting to make trains that run on thyme

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan
over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

Rang the Narcotics Helpline yesterday..

All I kept getting was " for information on Cannabis press Hash "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What biscuits can fly

A plain biscuits

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

What would you call an armadillo with no fore limbs?

a dillo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The shoe said the hat "You go on ahead, I'll catch up on foot"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I fell asleep with my phone under my pillow, and it was gone when I woke up.

Damned Bluetooth Fairy...

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

"2 elephants jump off a cliff...

... boom boom

What the crowd if woodlice chanted as they jumped off a cliff:

Earwigo earwigo earwigo

Earwigo

Earwigo oh

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By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original

My parrot died yesterday...still.....

it's a weight of my shoulders

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

The pessimist sees only the dark in the tunnel.

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

The realist sees a train coming in the tunnel.

The train driver sees three complete eejits sitting on the railway line

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you seen those new corduroy pillows advertised in the papers, they're making headlines everywhere

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The other day I spotted an albino dalmatian. Thought it was the least I could do

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By *ryan...Man
over a year ago

1950's Original

" Harder" is a poor choice of safe words

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I call my horse Mayo. And sometimes Mayo neighs

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Two local yokels..meet up in the village pub..

Where you been asked Sam.. nor seen you for a few weeks...Jack replies its the lambing season I've not been off the farm for three weeks, anything been happening in the village...?

Well said Sam they've opened one of them there brothels in the village,

You can drink as much as you want, have as much sex as you want and at the end of the night they give you £200 ...

Bloody hell says Jack that sounds a great night, have you been yourself

No replied Sam but the wife has...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the guy that died after drinking furniture polish. He had a horrible end, but a nice finish

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By *aughty_tonyMan
over a year ago

King's Lynn

Bake a cake with Rum and everyone fine.

Bake a cake with laxatives and everyone loses their shit

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By *ee_Preston_NewTV/TS
over a year ago

Preston

Went to a chiropodist and got my cock out, the nurse screamed at me...'that is NOT a foot' to which I replied 'its a good eleven and a half inches'

Why do bears have fur coats ?

They look fucking stupid in anoraks...

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