FabSwingers.com forum: Sex Clubs. How to deal with pushy men and being hounded?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

So a few years back I went to my first and last sex club, Legs 800 in London. It's specifically for trans and men into them. I found the entire experience awful because :

1. Men were extremely pushy and wouldn't take a hint to back off, even with me trying to walk away and them pulling me back onto them to sit on their lap and grope me and me trying to politely get away but them trying to guilt me into staying when I really really wasn't into them.

2. At one point literally a pack of five men following me around the club wherever I went. A hint boys, if I'm walking away from you it's because I want to get away from you, not because I want a pack of you hounding me like dogs trying to chat me up. It was very intimidating.

I ended up locking myself in a cubicle with a different guy who was sort of my type just to get the others to back off.

Ladies, how do you deal with situations like that without creating a scene or being rude or offending men? How do you politely show a guy you aren't interested? And what happens if you try that and they continue. Advice please? Would be much appreciated.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You inform club staff what's going on as I would think it's not acceptable behaviour

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Honestly this is the reason why I'm still a bit nervous about going to a club. I hear things like this and it puts me off, which is a shame as I'd like to go

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"You inform club staff what's going on as I would think it's not acceptable behaviour "

Try not to be a snitch type person. Rather learn to handle things myself.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Honestly this is the reason why I'm still a bit nervous about going to a club. I hear things like this and it puts me off, which is a shame as I'd like to go"

It's the reason I haven't been back. Though I don't know if different at mainstream clubs. I have the feeling women get a lot more respect than trannies

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By *heMightySpud69Man
over a year ago

Milton keynes

Seems too obvious, but would a polite but firm "fuck off" work?

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By *adMerWoman
over a year ago

Sandwich

"You inform club staff what's going on as I would think it's not acceptable behaviour

Try not to be a snitch type person. Rather learn to handle things myself. "

It is perfectly acceptable to tell them to leave you alone. If that doesn’t work then that’s what the staff are there for!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Biro to the throat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If they're grabbing at you and following you around the time for politeness is well over.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You inform club staff what's going on as I would think it's not acceptable behaviour

Try not to be a snitch type person. Rather learn to handle things myself. "

Kick them n the balls, im sure that's enough of a give away

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By *andyMinx_tvTV/TS
over a year ago

Leeds

I know the club you mention very well and although there are some pushy guys there I have never had an awful experience. But you have to say no like you really mean it and if that doesn't work the staff are more than happy to intervene.

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By *phrodite_AdonisCouple
over a year ago

Shout at them in front of everyone. Worked for me

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By *randmrsrusCouple
over a year ago

legbourne

Try and go with someone else. We have had this in a couple of clubs. A firm but polite no thank from me you usually does the trick but it has come to a stern F@@k off on occasion. Theses situations we have found to be rare though. Most people are usually clued up that no means no.

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By *loss aka Miss JonesWoman
over a year ago

south coast IOW

Most clubs I’ve been to guys get the message if you say no thanks and club staff are very aware of anything like this. I’ve seen guys asked to leave for being pushy but the absolute majority are very respectful to be fair.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Honestly this is the reason why I'm still a bit nervous about going to a club. I hear things like this and it puts me off, which is a shame as I'd like to go"

My advice Kitty is to go with someone you know first time, clubs really aren't that scary x

OP, sounds like a horrific experience, I'm sorry you went through that. First times can be daunting, club staff are there to help you and make sure you're safe. Don't be afraid to ask for advice from them. I'd suggest that you go again, but just hang around the bar chatting and getting to know people. If you click with someone, go to a room. Unfortunately you always get a few followers wherever, but you learn how to handle them over time.

PS. We call them the Wanking Dead in our local club

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By *tephTV67TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

Try a gay sauna I walked into a room on my own turned around and five guys had walked in behind me.

I tell them to back off and it normally works, but generally speaking the majority of clubs I’ve been to it’s never been an issue. But I am getting on in age so maybe if I was younger it would

Don’t let it put you off going to clubs and expressing yourself I hope it’s just a one off, for you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

WOW

Is all I can say.

I have lost count of my club visits and all I can say is that is not acceptable.

Maybe try a more well known club.

Honestly, I have had more issues with handsy women than men.

A loud, clear....DONT TOUCH ME WITHOUT MY SAY SO, usually does the job, or speak to staff.

Out of 3 years of regular clubbing I have probably only done this 3 or 4 times though.

Please, if anyone reading is considering a club, dont let this post put you off, nost are nothing like that and the owners do not stand for sexual harrassment or assualt.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Most clubs I’ve been to guys get the message if you say no thanks and club staff are very aware of anything like this. I’ve seen guys asked to leave for being pushy but the absolute majority are very respectful to be fair. "

good to hear

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Honestly this is the reason why I'm still a bit nervous about going to a club. I hear things like this and it puts me off, which is a shame as I'd like to go"

Kitty I assure you many clubs are nothing like that.

Men are no more pushy in a swingers club than a normal pub or club and in fact, alot less handsy in my experience and better mannered.

I have been groped and sleezed over in normal mainstream bars when I am dressed more reserved than I have been when naked in a swingers club x

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby

I've got to admit that trans venues like The Way Out Club and a few others do have a bad reputation and in the case of Legs 800 and wherever it is that holds Sweet Wednesdays, it's often deserved.

Now I'm no wallflower when it comes to what men in these places are like so don't often get as much hassle as others do but I've had to pin one guy up by his throat and my ex GF at the time was grabbed by a guy as he tried to pull her out of the club.

The way some guys in these places will treat trans women and crossdressers can be pretty horrific, so much so that I won't be going back to any of them no matter how much easier it may be to meet trans women.

As for normal swingers clubs, I've found them so much better and the people who attend them are by and large friendlier and far more polite.

I've been to them presenting as both a male and a crossdresser and found the atmosphere and people to be right up my street so would happily go back to any of them alone and would expect no trouble at all and to have an enjoyable night.

I can honestly say that Club Play has been my favorite although the Attic, Chameleons and HU9 have all been brilliant too.

I'm sorry you experienced this sort of behaviour at Legs800 op but I assure you regular swinging clubs are NOT the same.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

I have to add one of my experiences on here: Pushiness is not always a male trait in the scene.

About 5 years ago in a club, I witnessed a mature woman (part of a couple) putting pressure on a rather young woman, not just momentarily but for a prolonged time. The way she approached her target was initially quite subtle, she was dancing to the music and gradually got closer and closer to the young woman who happened to stand next to me, we were observing the dance floor and casually chatting.

The older woman then started to say to me things like "isn't she pretty" while starting to casually touch her target who seemed ok at first, laughing it off but began to show signs of unease as the older woman's attention and touching were increasing in nature and intensity.

The young woman was now visibly uncomfortable and her partner was nowhere to be seen. I asked her if she wanted to go wander around a bit and we left but the older woman followed us, becoming less pleasant and more aggressive as she thought I was taking the young woman away from her (which I was but only for the purpose to protect her from the unwanted advances).

I ended up reporting her to staff and she was asked to leave.

If you had asked me before if this was a likely event to happen in a club, I would not have thought so.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Honestly this is the reason why I'm still a bit nervous about going to a club. I hear things like this and it puts me off, which is a shame as I'd like to go

Kitty I assure you many clubs are nothing like that.

Men are no more pushy in a swingers club than a normal pub or club and in fact, alot less handsy in my experience and better mannered.

I have been groped and sleezed over in normal mainstream bars when I am dressed more reserved than I have been when naked in a swingers club x"

Well, it's true that it happens in regular clubs and bars a lot, I agree. I suppose there's just not the expectation that you'll go to another room and have sex with them in a regular club. I'm sure I'll go to one of the main clubs when they reopen, might just go for a drink first time though, to get the lay of the land so to speak.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Shout at them in front of everyone. Worked for me

Yes mm sure it would but don't want to get labelled as difficult. I generally try to avoid confrontation. I'm quite shy actually. This side of me allows me to express myself

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Honestly this is the reason why I'm still a bit nervous about going to a club. I hear things like this and it puts me off, which is a shame as I'd like to go

My advice Kitty is to go with someone you know first time, clubs really aren't that scary x

PS. We call them the Wanking Dead in our local club

Lol thanks for making me laugh. And thanks to others who suggested chaperone

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"WOW

Is all I can say.

I have lost count of my club visits and all I can say is that is not acceptable.

Maybe try a more well known club.

Honestly, I have had more issues with handsy women than men.

A loud, clear....DONT TOUCH ME WITHOUT MY SAY SO, usually does the job, or speak to staff.

Out of 3 years of regular clubbing I have probably only done this 3 or 4 times though.

Please, if anyone reading is considering a club, dont let this post put you off, nost are nothing like that and the owners do not stand for sexual harrassment or assualt."

Thanks. I think I need to be more assertive. It seems when men are horny the brain cells switch off and they need a louder message.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Exactly the reason ive stopped going to 'high street clubs' ive not had one good experience in them, especially a local one to me,we were hounded and got snied remarks when we politely said 'we're here to be watched not to share'

We stuck to killing kittens & ball partys, it was a much better environment.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've got to admit that trans venues like The Way Out Club and a few others do have a bad reputation and in the case of Legs 800 and wherever it is that holds Sweet Wednesdays, it's often deserved.

As for normal swingers clubs, I've found them so much better and the people who attend them are by and large friendlier and far more polite.

I can honestly say that Club Play has been my favorite although the Attic, Chameleons and HU9 have all been brilliant too.

I'm sorry you experienced this sort of behaviour at Legs800 op but I assure you regular swinging clubs are NOT the same.

This is what I suspected, that in trans clubs men generally behave more badly, as if they are entitled to a grope and fuck. I don't go out much dressed due to confidence issues but I must say it's definitely opened my eyes to women's perspectives on men and their behaviour. What men think of as a bit of fun or cheeky can actually be very intimidating.

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By *ane DTV/TS
over a year ago

Glasgow

The clubs I've been to, haven't really had that issue.

The only time I have had an issuenwas with a d*unk guy who was overly pushy.

My stiletto heel on the top his shoe and a slap on the face discouraged him.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The clubs I've been to, haven't really had that issue.

The only time I have had an issuenwas with a d*unk guy who was overly pushy.

My stiletto heel on the top his shoe and a slap on the face discouraged him."

I imagine that's quite effective but I'd rather not be charged with assault. Was hoping to learn ways of diffusing the situation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"WOW

Is all I can say.

I have lost count of my club visits and all I can say is that is not acceptable.

Maybe try a more well known club.

Honestly, I have had more issues with handsy women than men.

A loud, clear....DONT TOUCH ME WITHOUT MY SAY SO, usually does the job, or speak to staff.

Out of 3 years of regular clubbing I have probably only done this 3 or 4 times though.

Please, if anyone reading is considering a club, dont let this post put you off, nost are nothing like that and the owners do not stand for sexual harrassment or assualt.

Thanks. I think I need to be more assertive. It seems when men are horny the brain cells switch off and they need a louder message. "

Could we add "some" between when and horny?It's a more accurate description that leaves the rest of us untainted by their appalling behaviour.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't be polite, tell them very loudly "NO! I am not interested" then report them to staff... I rarely fancy any of the random guys at clubs but was just enjoying watching my fwb with our friend, when a guy, that I thought was rather attractive, came into the couples room to watch, even though we were infront of the viewing window, then kept touching my foot, despite me ignoring him and telling him no, more than once so I told him to go away as he was ruining my time and he shouldn't be in the couples room anyway... He soon left the room... But he wasn't the only single guy that had snuck in, on a very quiet night,it kinda pissed me off and could easily have ruined our night

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You inform club staff what's going on as I would think it's not acceptable behaviour

Try not to be a snitch type person. Rather learn to handle things myself. "

Sorry you seem to believe that asking for help with dealing with rude, obnoxious, men who think they are entitled to harass whoever they want even when told no is being a snitch. Is a woman asking the police for help to catch the person who sexually assaulted her being a snitch?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That is awful! So sorry that happened to you.

This is why I like Townhouse, the staff are never far away. And the regulars are good at stepping in to stop any ill behaviours, I never realised one guy was touching without consent until a regular stepped in to stop it, staff informed and he was escorted out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Honestly just inform the staff that’s the best thing you can do, people that act like that shouldn’t be tolerated and hopefully get asked to leave. I’ve seen people being told to leave for doing similar.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We have had sleazy guys following us around clubs. A polite no thanks worked every time (male privilege kicks in here the fact I'm 6 3 and 20 stone.)

Sex hormones to change how men think. EVERY man. And every woman too. My wife is mostly straight. In a sex club she will lick pussy and suck cock without thought because of sex hormones.

But most men even in the height of passion still respond to basic commands. No thank you. Or put on a condom.

I feel a lot of empathy for the people who have reported bad stories on this thread. It's horrific. I know of a woman who was raped by a group of women at her first party night. It wasn't violent. But they hushed her objections and had sex with her. They wanted her first time to be special. And it was. But not for the reasons they thought. She doesn't swing anymore.

Speak your objections loudly and clearly. And if you are a single woman don't worry. There is usually other women who will keep an eye out for fellow singles

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

That's awful and I'm really sorry that's happened to you. It's not acceptable.

Fortunately I've never had that experience. The clubs I've been to take no means no very seriously and if someone continued after I said no I would report it to the venue.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

"You inform club staff what's going on as I would think it's not acceptable behaviour

Try not to be a snitch type person. Rather learn to handle things myself. "

It's not about being a snitch. It's about enforcing the rules of the club and protecting other guests who may not be as good at handling it themselves. People who behave in the way you describe have no place being in clubs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t think I’ll go back to clubs when we’re allowed unless I’m with my partner.

I’ve been groped, had to shove men off me, had men I’ve never even spoken to try to have sex with me when I was bent over sucking my partners cock, had men physically restrain me when trying to walk away and most recently had a guy quietly walk into a room that me and 2 friends were playing in and help him self to me pussy - one time it was with his mouth and once with him fingers.

Some of the guys that frequent these places are the scum of the earth. They give polite swingers a bad name.

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By *iamondCougarWoman
over a year ago

Norfuck! / Lincolnshire

I’m pretty sure most reputable clubs wouldn’t not allow this kind of behaviour and if you reported it they would have been ejected!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’m pretty sure most reputable clubs wouldn’t not allow this kind of behaviour and if you reported it they would have been ejected! "

They were reputable clubs, and I did report it and they were ejected, but it doesn’t take away that it happened.

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By *ablo minibar123Woman
over a year ago

"Honestly this is the reason why I'm still a bit nervous about going to a club. I hear things like this and it puts me off, which is a shame as I'd like to go

It's the reason I haven't been back. Though I don't know if different at mainstream clubs. I have the feeling women get a lot more respect than trannies"

Reading your original post I was just thinking I wonder if men are more pushy disrespectful with trans, of course they shouldn't be, but it did make me think.

I find in clubs if a firm no doesn't work then you really should make the staff aware, it's not snitching, more protecting others from someone that could be an issue

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By *ust RachelTV/TS
over a year ago

Horsham

I would say use a cattle prod on them, but in some clubs that is to be expected.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

I had a guy climb up the fire escape one night and sneak into the room i was in. Freaked me out

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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago

Gapping Fanny

I would suggest anyone worried about going to a swingers club should consider going on a fetish/kink night first (if they have one), assuming you just want to get the lay of the land of the place.

Fetish events tend to be heavily monitored and pushy people are usually removed.

You may not find people to fuck, but it gives you the opportunity to scope out the place, and if you have a kinky interest you may find it fun.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"I’m pretty sure most reputable clubs wouldn’t not allow this kind of behaviour and if you reported it they would have been ejected! "

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By *irty PrettyWoman
over a year ago

Cardiff

"WOW

Is all I can say.

I have lost count of my club visits and all I can say is that is not acceptable.

Maybe try a more well known club.

Honestly, I have had more issues with handsy women than men.

A loud, clear....DONT TOUCH ME WITHOUT MY SAY SO, usually does the job, or speak to staff.

Out of 3 years of regular clubbing I have probably only done this 3 or 4 times though.

Please, if anyone reading is considering a club, dont let this post put you off, nost are nothing like that and the owners do not stand for sexual harrassment or assualt.

Thanks. I think I need to be more assertive. It seems when men are horny the brain cells switch off and they need a louder message.

Could we add "some" between when and horny?It's a more accurate description that leaves the rest of us untainted by their appalling behaviour."

Why don’t you just go ahead and say #notallmen, I know you want to.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you all for your contributions and advice. I've realised I should be more assertive and confident to say no loudly and clearly, and informing staff. At the club I went to the "staff" was man who i believe was the owner who was also operating as a barman downstairs. I don't think there were any other staff. It also wasn't a purpose built club. More a run down house painted black inside. I think I will definitely go to a more reputable Main stream swingers club next time and take a chaperone. I have a few guys I trust in mind.

Any suggestions for North London, Herts or Essex?

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By *den-Valley-coupleCouple
over a year ago

Cumbria

Going to clubs for years not saying this doesn't happen but very rarely just need to check clubs reviews and do a bit of homework ..

Clubs are far safer than private meets...

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By *irty PrettyWoman
over a year ago

Cardiff

"Thank you all for your contributions and advice. I've realised I should be more assertive and confident to say no loudly and clearly, and informing staff. At the club I went to the "staff" was man who i believe was the owner who was also operating as a barman downstairs. I don't think there were any other staff. It also wasn't a purpose built club. More a run down house painted black inside. I think I will definitely go to a more reputable Main stream swingers club next time and take a chaperone. I have a few guys I trust in mind.

Any suggestions for North London, Herts or Essex? "

I just want to say, the fact that you didn’t know what to do or didn’t feel able to be more assertive, doesn’t make any of it your fault. Just in case you might be blaming yourself.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Any suggestions for North London, Herts or Essex?

I just want to say, the fact that you didn’t know what to do or didn’t feel able to be more assertive, doesn’t make any of it your fault. Just in case you might be blaming yourself."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Any suggestions for North London, Herts or Essex?

I just want to say, the fact that you didn’t know what to do or didn’t feel able to be more assertive, doesn’t make any of it your fault. Just in case you might be blaming yourself."

Thanks. No I'm just new to it. I wish I had been more assertive, but I don't blame myself for their behaviour, but I do regret not telling them to fuck off.

As for safety in private meets... Yes, I know, but that's another story. I hope this club thing works out as it would be much better than online.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

"Honestly this is the reason why I'm still a bit nervous about going to a club. I hear things like this and it puts me off, which is a shame as I'd like to go

My advice Kitty is to go with someone you know first time, clubs really aren't that scary x

PS. We call them the Wanking Dead in our local club

We call them Klingons

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By *ieselJuiceMan
over a year ago

Stratford

I think venues should hire decent security staff. Especially security staff who have experience of working in "alternative" or adult themed nightclubs. I personally know a few security personnel who can make clubs like legs 800 and sweet Wednesday safe for everyone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I find a throat punch works a treat

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By *heNYCSausageMan
over a year ago

Everton

This is definitely in the minority. I’ve actually lost count the amount of times I’ve been to a club, and you can count on one hand the amount of people that have been ejected from a club for being too pushy and still have fingers to spare.

Please don’t let one experience put you off.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve been lots alone and have not really had any issues.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you've assertively said NO to someone harassing you and they haven't taken your answer then the club is not the place for them and imo they should be removed by staff. They will just go on and do it to someone else, it should be zero tolerance.

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By *odgerNbadgerCouple
over a year ago

Chepstow

If someone won't take no for an answer my personal close-protection officer has a little word... ladies (of any gender) who go alone are braver than me, although I'm capable of delivering a knee to the groin myself if necessary. Why mens got to be like that? #notallmenbutenough

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