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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Hi all,

Hope you're all well. I know this is a bit of a strange place to get advice on this topic but I'm open to some feedback on this one. I've some idea of the responses I may get but if you can be non judgemental and share any experiences if you have been in the same situation it would be greatly appreciated.

I'm on the verge of leaving my marriage for a few reasons. Sex hasn't been the same in years (hence why I'm here and que some abuse lol) but I feel that we have been in a major rut for quite a few years. I don't think there is a way out of it but completely paralysed about what the future might hold if it ends.

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
over a year ago

North East Scotland, mostly


"Hi all,

Hope you're all well. I know this is a bit of a strange place to get advice on this topic but I'm open to some feedback on this one. I've some idea of the responses I may get but if you can be non judgemental and share any experiences if you have been in the same situation it would be greatly appreciated.

I'm on the verge of leaving my marriage for a few reasons. Sex hasn't been the same in years (hence why I'm here and que some abuse lol) but I feel that we have been in a major rut for quite a few years. I don't think there is a way out of it but completely paralysed about what the future might hold if it ends.

"

Have you spoken with your wife about your feelings?

Mrs kf

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

There have been discussions yes, moments of promise but then sliding back into the rut.

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By *heMightySpud69Man
over a year ago

Milton keynes

Definatelybtalk about, and see if anything can be reconciled. But if not, you've gotta do what you've gotta do. It'll seem scary until it happens. Honestly, when I split from my ex, it felt like such a weight had lifted from me

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
over a year ago

North East Scotland, mostly


"There have been discussions yes, moments of promise but then sliding back into the rut. "

I'm not sure what advice you're looking for here?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thanks lad, I get that point of view too. I always thought it was a bit of a joke about "all downhill from here" once you're married but seems to be the way of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"There have been discussions yes, moments of promise but then sliding back into the rut. "

Your promises or hers?

What does she want to do?

How old are you?

Kids?

If you are unhappy together you may be happier apart.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

If it's over, it's over.

However don't leave a relationship just because you're in a rut. The grass is greener where it's watered most.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

There are a lot of factors to consider.

Your age

If you have kids

How long you've been married etc.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"Hi all,

Hope you're all well. I know this is a bit of a strange place to get advice on this topic but I'm open to some feedback on this one. I've some idea of the responses I may get but if you can be non judgemental and share any experiences if you have been in the same situation it would be greatly appreciated.

I'm on the verge of leaving my marriage for a few reasons. Sex hasn't been the same in years (hence why I'm here and que some abuse lol) but I feel that we have been in a major rut for quite a few years. I don't think there is a way out of it but completely paralysed about what the future might hold if it ends.

"

First port of call - talk to your partner.

Second port of call see a (Relate) counsellor, either with your partner or, if she is not willing you could at least initially go on your own.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thanks, 32+35, no kids, married 3 years but going out almost 10 altogether

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle


"Hi all,

Hope you're all well. I know this is a bit of a strange place to get advice on this topic but I'm open to some feedback on this one. I've some idea of the responses I may get but if you can be non judgemental and share any experiences if you have been in the same situation it would be greatly appreciated.

I'm on the verge of leaving my marriage for a few reasons. Sex hasn't been the same in years (hence why I'm here and que some abuse lol) but I feel that we have been in a major rut for quite a few years. I don't think there is a way out of it but completely paralysed about what the future might hold if it ends.

"

Only solution is talking about this with your partner and this way it can be either sorted out and give you the correct answer that you need then a decision you decide which is the best and since you are already on here without her knowing it's like you already made a decision

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thanks, yea I've suggested that myself but she wasn't keen at all.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Use reply and quote and we will know who you're answering .

You're both young. Can you envisage another 40 years together, can you envisage another 40 years without her?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks, 32+35, no kids, married 3 years but going out almost 10 altogether "

Did you get married because you'd been together so long it was 'expected'?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Marriage counselling involving you both best. Not only are they trained for it, they and you two get to hear both sides. Much better than advice on here where only one side is heard.

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By *heMightySpud69Man
over a year ago

Milton keynes


"Thanks, 32+35, no kids, married 3 years but going out almost 10 altogether "

I was a similar position, although our relationship had been on the slide for years

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Thanks, 32+35, no kids, married 3 years but going out almost 10 altogether

Did you get married because you'd been together so long it was 'expected'?"

Pretty much yes in hindsight.... "the right thing to do"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Many times on here it’s a running joke for some to answer with “ follow your heart” but if the love and affection has left your marriage then you have to do what’s best for both of you rather than everything you have/had turn sour!!!

Best of luck op.

T

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"Marriage counselling involving you both best. Not only are they trained for it, they and you two get to hear both sides. Much better than advice on here where only one side is heard."

Exactly - which is why I suggested Relate

Relate (or similar) are not set to keep people together, nor to split them up. They go very much with the couple's and individuals' agenda. Sometimes the result is still splitting up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP, you have to sit down with your wife and talk openly and honesty with each other. It will result in you both saying and hearing things about each other which are uncomfortable, but important to say.

You may find she is equally unhappy?

All relationships get stuck in a rut, but can be worked through if both parties want it to.

The grass is not greener on the other side, merely a different shade.....

Good luck!

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

I’m not sure what you’re looking for here.

The basis of any relationship is communication and trust. If you don’t have that, then what’s the point?

Being here is a breach of trust and it seems that you don’t have communication.

Ultimately, if you want it to work then it takes effort, if you’re looking for an out but are scared, then being here is a bit crappy.

Staying together because you don’t know how to leave is unfair on you both.

Ultimately it’s up to you but being honest, direct and open is the least that you can do.

Talk to her. If you want to leave, then do so, if you want it to work then make it work. Half measures just hurt everyone

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere


"Thanks, 32+35, no kids, married 3 years but going out almost 10 altogether "

Wow, you got together young. That's a lot of years to chuck away. My advice would be to talk. Where do you see yourselves in 5+ years?

Are you planning to have kids?

Etc

At the end of the day if it doesn't work out then you are both still young enough to start again as such.

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By *ntrepid ExplorersCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Go. To. Family. Counselling.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks, 32+35, no kids, married 3 years but going out almost 10 altogether

Did you get married because you'd been together so long it was 'expected'?

Pretty much yes in hindsight.... "the right thing to do" "

If you met her now would you date her?

Divorce isn't the end of the world. There can be light on the other side.

Equally people have reignited the flame and become closer.

It's May already. Time goes too fast to be unhappy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Firstly you need to communicate with her. Secondly if you want sex elsewhere. Leave her. Cheating is cheating. And no one deserves that

J

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thanks everyone, I appreciate everything. I can't talk to friends or family about this so all your opinions are welcome!

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By *ools and the brainCouple
over a year ago

couple, us we him her.

OP

So advice has been given by others.

You have been together a relatively short time, marriages have ups and downs particularly at the age you are, thinking about future plans and life together.

What you need to realise that it's never just one sided when it break's down both parties will bare some responsibility (unless some sort of abuse taking place)

So ask yourself is it all her , what am I doing to make her so unhappy?

First thing is leaving fabs go and be her husband and then.

Work at it we have been together for 37 years longer than you have been alive in that time we have been up and down had some difficulty but that's what a marriage is about adapting and growing.

If you are in a rut sexually maybe she has lost her confidence?

Maybe she's found out that you are on here?

It's not all about sex and a negative isn't going to help.

You may have to suck up your ego and be the one that backs down when the bickering starts.

This past year has put a strain on everyone and if your both struggling then even more so.

You must have loved her once?

Personally I'd buy her some flowers regularly, cook for her, tell her how much you love her, treat her to something that she wants just pamper her and spoil her but don't expect that it's going to lead to sex.

Be genuine and caring, listen to her tell her how special and beautiful she is and mean it.

Tell her every day you love her.

Make her feel like she's the only woman in the world.

Communication communication

Communication.

Give her space and time for herself.

Try this please and don't expect it to work overnight it's going to take time and effort.

And for Christ sake leave fabs no good will come of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Deep down inside you know if it’s time to go or try and rescue what’s there. Good luck OP it’s not easy either way but staying in a rut is no answer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Marriage counselling involving you both best. Not only are they trained for it, they and you two get to hear both sides. Much better than advice on here where only one side is heard.

Exactly - which is why I suggested Relate

Relate (or similar) are not set to keep people together, nor to split them up. They go very much with the couple's and individuals' agenda. Sometimes the result is still splitting up. "

Totally agree.

And as at least one poster said, stay off fab until it's decided.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi all,

Hope you're all well. I know this is a bit of a strange place to get advice on this topic but I'm open to some feedback on this one. I've some idea of the responses I may get but if you can be non judgemental and share any experiences if you have been in the same situation it would be greatly appreciated.

I'm on the verge of leaving my marriage for a few reasons. Sex hasn't been the same in years (hence why I'm here and que some abuse lol) but I feel that we have been in a major rut for quite a few years. I don't think there is a way out of it but completely paralysed about what the future might hold if it ends.

"

How long has this been for. Being stuck in a rut in a lockdown is harder to avoid. I would hold on till life opens up again and try spicing things up when you both don't feel locked in with not much to look forward to. That's just my tuppence but if I were trying to get out of a rut I wouldn't expect massive changes in a lockdown situation.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"Thanks lad, I get that point of view too. I always thought it was a bit of a joke about "all downhill from here" once you're married but seems to be the way of it. "

Not always, you get out what you put in. My advice is talk, then get counselling , then trial separation or give it go. You don’t need to plan anything past those steps. You would be surprised how your thinking can limit what’s possible. But if you decide not to and just walk away then re read the first line of my reply !

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Hi all,

Hope you're all well. I know this is a bit of a strange place to get advice on this topic but I'm open to some feedback on this one. I've some idea of the responses I may get but if you can be non judgemental and share any experiences if you have been in the same situation it would be greatly appreciated.

I'm on the verge of leaving my marriage for a few reasons. Sex hasn't been the same in years (hence why I'm here and que some abuse lol) but I feel that we have been in a major rut for quite a few years. I don't think there is a way out of it but completely paralysed about what the future might hold if it ends.

How long has this been for. Being stuck in a rut in a lockdown is harder to avoid. I would hold on till life opens up again and try spicing things up when you both don't feel locked in with not much to look forward to. That's just my tuppence but if I were trying to get out of a rut I wouldn't expect massive changes in a lockdown situation. "

I'd say maybe around 2.5 years. Not long after we got married really. I can't remember one argument pre marriage but it's almost been non stop since.

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