I know this is LOOOOOOONG, I'm not gonna apologise for that. Today I've joined a support group and this was in there. I'm posting for those of us wondering why we can't seem to heal, to stop us giving ourselves such a hard time....and those who are cheating.... is this really what you want your partner to suffer?
When betrayal is disclosed, an array of long lasting physical, mental and emotional symptoms occur.
They say processing and recovery of these symptoms take 2-5 years provided the betrayed and the betrayer do what is required and both put in extreme effort and hard work. After 2-5 years – MAYBE you’ll start to feel like the old parts of you that you loved creep in.
But what happens before the 2-5 years? If you’ve discovered you’ve been sexually and/or emotionally betrayed, you’ve got one hell of an up-coming journey regardless if you stay or leave. It doesn’t matter if you were betrayed once or a thousand times; the symptoms and effort with processing are the same. If you’ve been betrayed, you will experience the following for 2-5 years – which your spouse won’t understand but may if it’s spelled out in black and white:
You will ask many many details of what they did, and
EACH answer will cause you to question more to try and connect the dots
EACH answer will cause you to rephrase the question to make sure they’re telling the truth
EACH answer will take minimum 7 days to process
EACH new discovery/answers to questions that have already been answered sets the betrayed back minimum 7 days
If you have 261 simultaneous thoughts and questions about the betrayal (I had/have more than this), and each take 7 days (or more) to process, there’s your 5 years.
Keep in mind, one thought takes 7 days, but we are not only thinking one thought. We are thinking and feeling:
a hundred thoughts at a time and ruminating about them all
about their afterthought guilt and shame and trying to find a fiber of compassion for them (seriously, I don’t know how we do it)
like zombies as if someone has taken over our bodies and minds
All the while – we’re:
working
taking care of parents
taking care of kids and really trying to stay patient
helping with homework
playing games with our kids
taking our kids to activities
playing fake happy face life with friends, family, co-workers and children
cooking
cleaning
grocery shopping
angry
enraged
resentful
anxious
disgusted by our spouse
thinking about hurting ourselves
blaming ourselves for being so stupid
suffering a severely diminished self esteem
ruminating about what they have that we don’t
in pain because of a STD
worried we’ve been exposed to HPV and need to go through screening for years
spending thousands of hours and dollars in counselling
spending thousands of dollars on medication
reading books and blogs on “How to Forgive Infidelity”
stalking the OW
conjuring up revenge scenarios
worried we’ll be homeless
worried the OW is pregnant
paranoid that he misses her/them
paranoid that he’s still talking to her/them
paranoid that he’s still meeting up with her/them
worried about what will happen to our children
hating our spouse
loving our spouse
suffering from PTSD
suffering nightmares of the affair(s)
suffering insomnia because of rumination and fear of the nightmares
drinking
doing drugs
not taking care of ourselves
feeling dirty
losing our identity
feeling like we want to run away
feel like we want to stay in bed
losing weight
fending off questions from our friends and family about what’s wrong
physical ailments from all of the stress hormones running though our bodies but still need to do all of the above patiently and gently so no one knows or sees your pain
And we don’t really remember doing ANY of the above because those 261 questions and thoughts are rolling around in there each with their 7 days of processing TAKE OVER OUR LIVES. You could be on day 5 for one, day 3 for another and day 7 for a new one which may cause the day 3 processing thought to reset and start the 7 days over again.
And then we get triggered – DAILY – by a song, driving by a place they met that was OUR place, frantically (and repeatedly) scouring though old emails, photos, texts, phone records, banking/credit card statement, pockets, drawers, behind couches and receipts trying to figure out the timeline and remember what exactly was going on that exact day, which causes more triggers, processing days and hours and hours of a domino effect of spiraling and going “there”.
Betrayers: hopefully this will help you understand that we can’t just “get over it”, why at year 1 we still have items that need 7 day processing, why at year 2 we’re starting to feel ok but still go “there”, why at year 5 we still aren’t ourselves and why we will never be ourselves again. |
you should be a councillor as this will help others too
Actions have consequences both direct and indirect, much akin to the ripples on a pond and the said effects upon others will invariably remain and be felt for long periods of time, even a lifetime.
Sending love 
Much love to those of you who have felt that. x 
