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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

apparently die as a result of domestic violence in the UK alone. The number for men is difficult to obtain as it is so often under-reported.

How would you go about things if a friend reported that he/she was at the receiving end of DV?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Having witnessed it ad a child, I would dp all I could to remove s person from the situation.

However, in some cases the individual also had to be willing to help themselves. I'd give them the tools they need to help themselves, but they need to use them.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

Difficult question to answer for me, it happened to me for four years, neighbours ect would call the police but because i wouldnt prosecute they couldnt do anything about it, the hospital would "advice" me. But without my say so they couldnt do anything. This is going back almost 25 years where you didnt really here about womens refuges or support for people in violent relationships.

The law has changed now so that the police can prosicute without the victims permission.

You have to remember that most people who are in an abusive relationship have been brought to their lowest point, have no respect or self worth for themselves and live in fear of the other partner, by this stage they dont always have the up and go to leave.

If i knew someone in an abusive relationship, i would give them all the help and support and probley ring one of the help lines for advice (which there never where before). You never know how the violent partner is going to react if the victim decides to leave so you would have to tread very softly and very carefully

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

the best advice u can give a person who is subject to domestic violence, is that u are there for them - and to make sure they are between the perpetrator and the door - when the person is ready to take stock and do something about it they then have someone to run to and the means to escape ........... sadly they might go back many times before they managed to have the courage and ability to leave the situation for good - u can only be there everytime they take a small step to end it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"the best advice u can give a person who is subject to domestic violence, is that u are there for them - and to make sure they are between the perpetrator and the door - when the person is ready to take stock and do something about it they then have someone to run to and the means to escape ........... sadly they might go back many times before they managed to have the courage and ability to leave the situation for good - u can only be there everytime they take a small step to end it "

* manage

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"apparently die as a result of domestic violence in the UK alone. The number for men is difficult to obtain as it is so often under-reported.

How would you go about things if a friend reported that he/she was at the receiving end of DV?"

Ask if he or she would like me to help them to report it.

If there are children in possible danger, report it anyway.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My oldest and dearest friend was in an abusive relationship for quite a few years. He pushed her down stairs when she was pregnant, punched her in the face etc etc. He was mentally cruel to her, she is a very pretty woman but he made her feel that no other man would love her.

I took her to the police station and sat with her whilst she reported him, yet she withdrew charges.

Eventually they did split but he still tried to control her. She met a lovley guy who adored her, they were asleep one night when previous prat broke into house and beat up her fella with a snooker cue!!! They did get him charged and he went inside, Yet she split from new fella and went into another mentally abusive relationship.

I can only help so much cant I ?

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

I have fled DV relationship on several occasions.. I went from London to Bristol he found me in Bristol (Through a so called friend) then I went to Birmingham and he found me in Birmingham then I went back to London and stood up to him and told him to leave me the fuck alone. I had a DV police officer involved in my case through the PPU.

I work with DV victims on a daily basis.. However I cannot stand the women that claim they are suffering from DV to get a house or a move when it is proven that they have never experienced it..

The murder of Natasha Travies in Birmingham was very close to home for reasons I can't disclose..

All I would say if any woman on here is suffering from DV.. To seek help from Women's aid or refuge.. Remember its not you.. you are not doing anything wrong but its about having the strength to walk.. When its safe to do so of course.. Pack a bag with all your ID etc change of clothes and some spare money and hide the bag, when you know when its safe then you can just leave.

The breaking point for me was when he attacked me with the butt of the hammer and threatened my family who in the end gave him £8,000 as he was threatening my family as well as beating me on a daily basis.. If I knew someone that was a victim I would try and get out of the relationship no man is worth it.. However its a control thing..

However there is a raise of men reporting being the victim of DV so its not just women that suffer it is men to..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It is not always physical, sometimes it is mental.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It is not always physical, sometimes it is mental."

And that can be the hardest for someone to escape from. Bruises are visible. Emotional abuse is invisible and hard to prove/ get the victim to understand that it's real.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i have never hit a woman and dont intend to.

if things are so bad in a relationship that your shouting at each other its already over and its best to walk away.

also i never understand women who take a guy back after he has slapped her.its like being a punch bag for someone because he will do it again and again.

its bullying and i cannot stand it.

life is hard enough without having to come home to a lazy partner who lashes out when they cannot get what they want.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 12/08/12 17:49:49]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"i have never hit a woman and dont intend to.

if things are so bad in a relationship that your shouting at each other its already over and its best to walk away.

also i never understand women who take a guy back after he has slapped her.its like being a punch bag for someone because he will do it again and again.

its bullying and i cannot stand it.

life is hard enough without having to come home to a lazy partner who lashes out when they cannot get what they want."

It's not that simple though. It's usually blokes with low self esteem. They put the woman down so much that she thinks she's worthless, she loses all her friends and becomes totally dependent on him. That makes him feel better, so he wants to keep her with him. She daren't/ can't leave as she has no money or is scared of what he'll do.

He says sorry and starts being nice for a while. She thinks it will be fine because he loves her and he didn't really mean it. He makes her feel like it's her fault. If only she hadn't looked at him that way/ not doing something right, he wouldn't have got mad.

So she treads on eggshells, forever watching what she says or does, trying to keep him in a good mood. Then he gets mad about some tiny little thing and it all starts again....

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"i have never hit a woman and dont intend to.

if things are so bad in a relationship that your shouting at each other its already over and its best to walk away.

also i never understand women who take a guy back after he has slapped her.its like being a punch bag for someone because he will do it again and again.

its bullying and i cannot stand it.

life is hard enough without having to come home to a lazy partner who lashes out when they cannot get what they want.

It's not that simple though. It's usually blokes with low self esteem. They put the woman down so much that she thinks she's worthless, she loses all her friends and becomes totally dependent on him. That makes him feel better, so he wants to keep her with him. She daren't/ can't leave as she has no money or is scared of what he'll do.

He says sorry and starts being nice for a while. She thinks it will be fine because he loves her and he didn't really mean it. He makes her feel like it's her fault. If only she hadn't looked at him that way/ not doing something right, he wouldn't have got mad.

So she treads on eggshells, forever watching what she says or does, trying to keep him in a good mood. Then he gets mad about some tiny little thing and it all starts again...."

A vicious cycle and self fulfilling prophecy then?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

also i never understand women who take a guy back after he has slapped her.its like being a punch bag for someone because he will do it again and again.

its bullying and i cannot stand it.

"

It's really not that simple! I used to have that same opinion as you, stating if that ever happened to me I'd walk away straight away. It did happen to me and even though I ended the relationship straight away I went back and back and back

You will never understand what it's like until you have been in a relationship like that yourself. All you can do is offer support and don't judge any one I'm that situation

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have known men who have suffered at the hands of their partners, they react the same as women in a dv relationship, they accept the apology and Declarations of love, believing they can change the aggressor, vicious circle happens again and again. Best advice is to listen, be there for them but its the victim who has to realise and leave, they can't be made to go. Fwiw the charities such as berks women's aid also.help men.

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"

You will never understand what it's like until you have been in a relationship like that yourself. All you can do is offer support and don't judge any one I'm that situation "
That is sad - I am really sorry to hear that and I hope you get support from your close friends and are able to manage the situation xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We reported then reported then reported.

It went down as domestic disturbance not violence. (shouting)

Got my daughter into a refuge he got her back home.

Started again..... she came to live with us..... he beat shit out of me while my daughter got the kids out of the house.

Had the phone ringing 999 while he did it. Longest time i've ever waited for someone to pick the phone up!

The police in our county took him straight to court

We now have permanent guardianship of our grandchildren

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"I have known men who have suffered at the hands of their partners, they react the same as women in a dv relationship, they accept the apology and Declarations of love, believing they can change the aggressor, vicious circle happens again and again. Best advice is to listen, be there for them but its the victim who has to realise and leave, they can't be made to go. Fwiw the charities such as berks women's aid also.help men."
I think you have a very good point there about the victim having to take the action at some point.

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"We reported then reported then reported.

It went down as domestic disturbance not violence. (shouting)

Got my daughter into a refuge he got her back home.

Started again..... she came to live with us..... he beat shit out of me while my daughter got the kids out of the house.

Had the phone ringing 999 while he did it. Longest time i've ever waited for someone to pick the phone up!

The police in our county took him straight to court

We now have permanent guardianship of our grandchildren"
I am also sorry to hear what you experienced - it sounds like you have been able to put it all behind you?

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

I didn't know my younger sister was in an abusive relationship until she finally left him after several years, she had to declare bankruptcy as he'd pissed all their money against the wall and he hit her when he was pissed and regretted it when sober....as I've mentioned in previous threads, I loathe bullies so I waited a while, followed him out of the pub one night when he was utterly bladdered, knocked him over and booted him so hard in the bollocks he was hospitalised when he was found (I checked he was still breathing before I left him in the gutter).....to this day, he doesn't know it was me and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just wish my daughter would.

She went straight into another relationship where he fractured her eye socket as he through the kids trampoline at her.

The next one shes with now is mentally abusive to her and yes she cant see it as she loves him.....

If i had to take another beating to get my grandchildren again i would.

They are safe and thats all that matters.

My daughter will always be in relationships like this as she seems to be a magnet

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

There is some research which suggests that most people who have been in abusive relationships will make many attempts to leave before they finally succeed. Also, many will go back to another abusive relationship. There are some thoughts that this has a lot to do with low self esteem?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"There is some research which suggests that most people who have been in abusive relationships will make many attempts to leave before they finally succeed. Also, many will go back to another abusive relationship. There are some thoughts that this has a lot to do with low self esteem?"

Possibly. I have read that abusive men sometimes look for women that are 'victims' as they are easier to break down and control.

On the other hand, the women in these situations can tend to be very nurturing/ caring. They meet a bloke that seems needy... He needs her... She makes him happy... That makes her happy...

And by all that I don't mean it's the woman's fault. (or a man in a female abusive relationship).

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"There is some research which suggests that most people who have been in abusive relationships will make many attempts to leave before they finally succeed. Also, many will go back to another abusive relationship. There are some thoughts that this has a lot to do with low self esteem?"
It could also be their comfort zone, if they where brought up having their mother/father having the shit beaten out of them they may think thats what a "normal" relationship is. It takes a strong person to break the web of violence

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am now out of the relationship after 3 visits to court and a lot of strength from myself and the support of my family.

I also went through counselling to help

Improve my self esteem. It sounds like your daughter could do with some added support but she will need to make the decision on her own. I hope she does x

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"There is some research which suggests that most people who have been in abusive relationships will make many attempts to leave before they finally succeed. Also, many will go back to another abusive relationship. There are some thoughts that this has a lot to do with low self esteem?

Possibly. I have read that abusive men sometimes look for women that are 'victims' as they are easier to break down and control.

On the other hand, the women in these situations can tend to be very nurturing/ caring. They meet a bloke that seems needy... He needs her... She makes him happy... That makes her happy...

And by all that I don't mean it's the woman's fault. (or a man in a female abusive relationship)."
I can understand the reasoning (or lack of) in this... totally.

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"There is some research which suggests that most people who have been in abusive relationships will make many attempts to leave before they finally succeed. Also, many will go back to another abusive relationship. There are some thoughts that this has a lot to do with low self esteem?It could also be their comfort zone, if they where brought up having their mother/father having the shit beaten out of them they may think thats what a "normal" relationship is. It takes a strong person to break the web of violence"
Role models and family influence in early childhood? Yes, I can understand that also.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

one thing to remember is woman are just as bad as men sometimes.

they can be just as violent and aggressive.

men do not report things as much because it may look embarrassing.

still doesnt give anyone the right to punch another.

but sometimes when you defend yourself striking someone is the only option left to you.

i would say to anyone suffering domestic abuse to get out of it. even if you have kids, the children do not want to live like that and nor do you.

its hard and a strain, never easy to walk away from things.

but its got to be better than attending hospital with your injuries.

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"one thing to remember is woman are just as bad as men sometimes.

they can be just as violent and aggressive.

men do not report things as much because it may look embarrassing.

still doesnt give anyone the right to punch another.

but sometimes when you defend yourself striking someone is the only option left to you.

i would say to anyone suffering domestic abuse to get out of it. even if you have kids, the children do not want to live like that and nor do you.

its hard and a strain, never easy to walk away from things.

but its got to be better than attending hospital with your injuries.

"
Absolutely - it is very under-

reported which is likely to do with men being embarrassed about coming forward.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Put two people together where both have some level of self-esteem issues, make one nurturing and one needy and it's a heady mix. Control and change. And it often starts so subtly you don't even notice it is happening. Then you are in 'but I love him' territory.

I have had personal experience but I have also seen a friend almost totally destroyed by a man that we all thought of as kindness personified. She never once told us what was going on until he became so extreme it was difficult to cover up any longer. She managed to get away only to have his (their) friends and his adult children from an earlier relationship continue the abuse by making her life hell for going to the police.

There is also now research that shows that many women stay for their pets. A refuge will take children but they won't take pets. Vets and RSPCA are being trained to spot signs of animal abuse that may indicate dv too.

Where it's psychological it can be so hard to spot and so easy to believe that it's you and not them.

It is so good that men are now reporting abuse against them too.

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"Put two people together where both have some level of self-esteem issues, make one nurturing and one needy and it's a heady mix. Control and change. And it often starts so subtly you don't even notice it is happening. Then you are in 'but I love him' territory.

I have had personal experience but I have also seen a friend almost totally destroyed by a man that we all thought of as kindness personified. She never once told us what was going on until he became so extreme it was difficult to cover up any longer. She managed to get away only to have his (their) friends and his adult children from an earlier relationship continue the abuse by making her life hell for going to the police.

There is also now research that shows that many women stay for their pets. A refuge will take children but they won't take pets. Vets and RSPCA are being trained to spot signs of animal abuse that may indicate dv too.

Where it's psychological it can be so hard to spot and so easy to believe that it's you and not them.

It is so good that men are now reporting abuse against them too.

"
OMG I did not realise the bit about the pets - but I can understand that, too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

its the same with male rape.

it happens and is extremely violent yet guys do not report it.

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"its the same with male rape.

it happens and is extremely violent yet guys do not report it.

"
I guess for similar reasons as the DV

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"its the same with male rape.

it happens and is extremely violent yet guys do not report it.

"
Atually are reportin it more, when i studied domestic violence only 10% of men would report it, its far more now. Also its a topic thats coming across in corantion street and afterwards the but a help line for men up. Hopefully it will give these guys that are abused more understanding that their are guys in similar situation

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am just recovering from the effects of a mentally and ultimately, physically abusive relationship. Without bruises or scars, no-one supported me or came to help or stood up for me. No friends or family asked how I was and the police were distinctly non-helpful.Only one person stood beside me as a friend until he, too, let me down. The abuser brought me lower than I can ever believe, telling me to hurry up and die, to commit suicide, what an awful person I was, so I tried, several times. The doctor at the hospital told me it was mental abuse and a light went on. It was an awakening but then it turned physical and he tried to rape me, attacked me and kicked and punched me. My children saved me- something they should never have had to do between their parents. With the support of a wonderful friend, I found the strength to throw him out and save myself mentally. I still have a lot of anger about what happened but it is a destructive emotion and the future is better without holding on to a bad past. To anyone going through this- leave. They will NEVER change. It's NOT your fault and you DON't need to live like that. No one deserves that. An abusive alcoholic with a violent temper will NEVER change. But life is wonderful beyond all that xx

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

On the plus ive never beenin a violent rel\tionsip jay is from i usd to se the taitail sings i ow in relainxip wt sidn b= i trus com;dlty

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't get involved. I once saw a man beating a woman up in the street and stepped in to stop it only for the woman to tell me to fuck off. I left them to it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I wouldn't get involved. I once saw a man beating a woman up in the street and stepped in to stop it only for the woman to tell me to fuck off. I left them to it. "

yes its a strange world. you hit the man who is beating the woman and they both press charges against you.

sometimes left alone is best

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

All violence/abuse, whether it is physical or mental within a relationship is wrong.

However the mind games people play with each other will ultimately drive certain behavioural issues, I am not condoning abuse of any sort.... but winding people up and cranking up any jealousy issues someone may have is likely to get a certain type of reaction. Sadly some get off on the reactions.

It is all wrong.

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By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire


"I wouldn't get involved. I once saw a man beating a woman up in the street and stepped in to stop it only for the woman to tell me to fuck off. I left them to it. "

had a similar experience and was spat at by the woman when i told the bloke to back off as he threaatened me for intervening or i would sit him on his arse..

seems it was the 'norm' for some of the wives in that particular battalion on a weekend..

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By *uyuksno1Man
over a year ago

poole

i was in a domestic violence situation for 10 years several broken bones later and when he took it out on my child i left alot of friends had tried to help me over the years and even though i did listen i was always to frightened to leave i would say if you know someone in that relationship dont give up on them and dont be agro against their partner thats abusing them friends that tried to help me tried talking to my ex and it alwaysmade things worse just be there for them support them but dont interfear eventually it will sink in and the anger will pass the fear and something will make them get up and walk im a voluntry councillo now for rape crises line and domestic violence most of the time its a voice on the other end of the abused person that listens and reasures that is sometimes enough but i would always say never give up xxxx

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By *irtydanMan
over a year ago

Blackpool


"It is not always physical, sometimes it is mental."
thats very true and worse in some cases

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"All violence/abuse, whether it is physical or mental within a relationship is wrong.

However the mind games people play with each other will ultimately drive certain behavioural issues, I am not condoning abuse of any sort.... but winding people up and cranking up any jealousy issues someone may have is likely to get a certain type of reaction. Sadly some get off on the reactions.

It is all wrong.

"

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"i was in a domestic violence situation for 10 years several broken bones later and when he took it out on my child i left alot of friends had tried to help me over the years and even though i did listen i was always to frightened to leave i would say if you know someone in that relationship dont give up on them and dont be agro against their partner thats abusing them friends that tried to help me tried talking to my ex and it alwaysmade things worse just be there for them support them but dont interfear eventually it will sink in and the anger will pass the fear and something will make them get up and walk im a voluntry councillo now for rape crises line and domestic violence most of the time its a voice on the other end of the abused person that listens and reasures that is sometimes enough but i would always say never give up xxxx "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My oldest and dearest friend was in an abusive relationship for quite a few years. He pushed her down stairs when she was pregnant, punched her in the face etc etc. He was mentally cruel to her, she is a very pretty woman but he made her feel that no other man would love her.

I took her to the police station and sat with her whilst she reported him, yet she withdrew charges.

Eventually they did split but he still tried to control her. She met a lovley guy who adored her, they were asleep one night when previous prat broke into house and beat up her fella with a snooker cue!!! They did get him charged and he went inside, Yet she split from new fella and went into another mentally abusive relationship.

I can only help so much cant I ? "

Are you still friends with this woman?

Sound slike she wants to be abused.

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"

Sound slike she wants to be abused."
I am not sure that any woman (or man) really ever WANTS to be abused. Joke aside about any BDMS behaviours and rituals, the serious nature of abuse, emotional, physical, mental etc... I cannot believe anybody is asking for that. I do believe however, that some victims genuinely believe they dont deserve any better? And that has to do with the victims's life story and their self esteem

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By *uyuksno1Man
over a year ago

poole


"

Sound slike she wants to be abused. I am not sure that any woman (or man) really ever WANTS to be abused. Joke aside about any BDMS behaviours and rituals, the serious nature of abuse, emotional, physical, mental etc... I cannot believe anybody is asking for that. I do believe however, that some victims genuinely believe they dont deserve any better? And that has to do with the victims's life story and their self esteem"

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By *uyuksno1Man
over a year ago

poole

no matter how confident a person is when they are physically or mentally abused they will never believe that they deserve another life a better one and nearly always go through the rest of their lives with self image issues in the cases where you see a woman being abused in public and she is in fact the one that reacts to your asisstance in a negative manner she is usually embarased and frightened and defends her abuser in a bid to gain some self control to the out side world lots of women tell me they think if they defend their abuser the punishment will be lighter when they get home x so sad show kindness this illness is sweeping our country alarmingly and if we are all nicer to each other it does have a knock on affect

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"no matter how confident a person is when they are physically or mentally abused they will never believe that they deserve another life a better one and nearly always go through the rest of their lives with self image issues in the cases where you see a woman being abused in public and she is in fact the one that reacts to your asisstance in a negative manner she is usually embarased and frightened and defends her abuser in a bid to gain some self control to the out side world lots of women tell me they think if they defend their abuser the punishment will be lighter when they get home x so sad show kindness this illness is sweeping our country alarmingly and if we are all nicer to each other it does have a knock on affect"
I think you are hitting the nail on the head re embarrassment and fear!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"no matter how confident a person is when they are physically or mentally abused they will never believe that they deserve another life a better one and nearly always go through the rest of their lives with self image issues in the cases where you see a woman being abused in public and she is in fact the one that reacts to your asisstance in a negative manner she is usually embarased and frightened and defends her abuser in a bid to gain some self control to the out side world lots of women tell me they think if they defend their abuser the punishment will be lighter when they get home x so sad show kindness this illness is sweeping our country alarmingly and if we are all nicer to each other it does have a knock on affectI think you are hitting the nail on the head re embarrassment and fear! "

Absolutely!! If she doesn't stick up for him she'll get her head kicked in when they get back home.

It's a very difficult situation to be in. It's not through wanting to be abused ffs. It's often impossible to get out.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"I wouldn't get involved. I once saw a man beating a woman up in the street and stepped in to stop it only for the woman to tell me to fuck off. I left them to it. "

I think once you have been told to leave there is nothing else you can do. I would still make an initial enquiry.

One of the women I met told me that it was just such a situation that made her realise she had to get out. She felt really bad for abusing someone trying to help her and it brought home to her how the relationship was _iewed by a total stranger.

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


" She felt really bad for abusing someone trying to help her and it brought home to her how the relationship was _iewed by a total stranger."

When people tell you that something is wrong, and when you know these people have no (selfish)agenda... then perhaps that is what makes the penny drop for some?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My oldest and dearest friend was in an abusive relationship for quite a few years. He pushed her down stairs when she was pregnant, punched her in the face etc etc. He was mentally cruel to her, she is a very pretty woman but he made her feel that no other man would love her.

I took her to the police station and sat with her whilst she reported him, yet she withdrew charges.

Eventually they did split but he still tried to control her. She met a lovley guy who adored her, they were asleep one night when previous prat broke into house and beat up her fella with a snooker cue!!! They did get him charged and he went inside, Yet she split from new fella and went into another mentally abusive relationship.

I can only help so much cant I ?

Are you still friends with this woman?

Sound slike she wants to be abused."
:-

Yes we are still friends because thats what friends do, they support and pick up the pieces. She is now single again and has declared she is anti - men. She does not like being abused funnily enough just has been so messed up that she has zero confidence and believes she doesn't deserve to be happy

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By *ucsparkMan
over a year ago

dudley

I come from a very close family as some may know, the help all off my family give is amazing. My mother taught us well in relationships with my dad's help.we were all told

Never hit a partner

Never be hit by a partner

Show respect

Show love

Talk do not shout

When mad walk away

Never argue in front of your children

All of my sisters partners were all told the same thing " hit them once and you get hit ten times more for ten times longer"

Been in one destructive relationship got stabbed in arm and walked away. The relationship finished then and there, they do it once and will do it again. I was once told the best way not to be hurt is not to be there. But it is only advice someone needs to be willing to take it on board. Respect yourself and hopefully others will too

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Boils down to the fact that it might be the unfortunate combination of one person who has potentially low confidence/ self esteem and the other who may have "learnt" that DV is acceptable behaviour.

I agree with Nucs and all those who are saying for a positive relationship... one needs to have respect for that person.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have read this thread with interest a couple of times. I have wanted to add to it as it is an emotive subject for me.

When I was 10 or so my mother started an affair with a local guy. He was meant to be a bit of a wide boy rogue type. She fell for his charms and left my stepdad for him. He showered her with gifts and generally showed her a good time. Lots of drink was always involved and the house became a bit of a party palace with lots of friends and lots of laughter. Shortly after he moved in, he was sent to prison for burglary/robbery.

I am the oldest of 4 boys, at this point in time, my younger brothers were 8, 2 and 1. I ended up baby sitting a lot and looking after the others. It seems insane now, that an 11 year old was doing this.

he came out of prison about a year later and the partying started again. I come from an Irish family where drink was always a weakness. One night after one of the parties, mum and this bloke had a row and he hit mum, giving her a black eye. Mum was always a firebrand and gave as good as she got, but this guy was 6'9" and 20+ stone. It never took him much force to hurt her.

Over the next few months he hit and hurt her a few times. I felt totally powerless as a child to stop him. I would call the police and they would come, but mum never pressed charges.

When I was about 12 I finally had enough of seeing the d*unkeness and violence. I could not take seeing my mum being hurt anymore and she always went back to him. I left home and went to live with my nan. My oldest brother went to live with my dad as he could not take it either.

The drinking and abuse carried on, she would visit my nan in all states. But she would not press charges. He went to prison again when I was about 16. When he came out, he claimed he had reformed and was sorry he had been like he was.

Mum asked me to move back in. I didnt at first, but things seemed to be better at home, so I did. It did not take him long to start the violence again. My mum stabbed him through his arm in self defence and I had to pull the knife out, not something a 16 year old should have to go through. Ironically, he pressed charges for assualt. Mum throw him out and things were better with just me and my 2 youngest brothers living with her. He eventually dropped charges and repented again. Mum let him move back in.

About a year later, there was a terrible fight between them. I came into the flat half way through it. He had beaten my mum to a pulp, throwing her through louvre wardrobe doors and kicking her. I rushed in to the room, he picked up a broken wooden slat and held it to her throat, threatening to kill her. I ran out, called a neighbour and the police for help. She was in hospital for weeks recovering and swore she would never have him back again.

Months went by, and things were good. I came home one evening to find her and him pissed out of their faces and she said she loved him and wanted him back. I packed my bags and everything I could carry into my car and went to live with my nan again.

I never spoke to my mother for about 4 years after that. I felt angry and betrayed. I could not believe that a beautiful, intelligent woman kept returning for this abuse. I was scared for her and for my brothers.

Eventually after one beating too many, she left him. I took revenge on this guy several times, by informing the police when I heard he had pulled another robbery. He spent many years in prison, due to me. I never had the physical presence to hurt him physically for what he did to my mum, so I hurt him in the only way I knew I could.

Slowly, we rebuilt a relationship. But by then, the drink had really got to her. I tried to help her as much as I could. Trying to get her to the doctors and to counselling. Even so, it could not bring the woman I adored so much as a child back to a normal life

She had a series of failed brutal relationships. I tried to help, but each time she turned away from me and stuck with the men who were abusing her. my mum just wanted to be loved by a man and if he could supply a steady stream of vodka, she was happy.

Eventually my relationship completely failed with her. She became angry and abusive to those who really loved her.. her family. The final nail for me was when she hit and hurt my nan. I never forgave her for that and did not speak to her for 12 years.

My mum died 2 months ago. She was a broken woman, who had isolated herself from everyone. I can remember the day when she started to die, it was all those years ago when the pig she fell for first attacked her.

The only good thing that come out of this sorry mess, was that myself and my brothers have sworn we would never hurt a woman and we never have. Ironically as a child, my mum used to say 'wife beaters' were all cowards and she would never put up with a man who hurt her.

I find any 'man' who could hurt a woman a loathsome, pitiful piece of shit.

Sorry if I have rattled on, but it hit home today about all this. My mum would have been just 60 years old today.

To any man or woman out there who is a victim of domestic violence, I truly hope you can find help. I does not need to happen, but it takes strength to walk away. I hate to think there are poor people out there suffering like my mum did.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Never hit a partner

Never be hit by a partner

Show respect

Show love

Talk do not shout

When mad walk away

Never argue in front of your children

"

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"I have read this thread with interest a couple of times. I have wanted to add to it as it is an emotive subject for me.

When I was 10 or so my mother started an affair with a local guy. He was meant to be a bit of a wide boy rogue type. She fell for his charms and left my stepdad for him. He showered her with gifts and generally showed her a good time. Lots of drink was always involved and the house became a bit of a party palace with lots of friends and lots of laughter. Shortly after he moved in, he was sent to prison for burglary/robbery.

I am the oldest of 4 boys, at this point in time, my younger brothers were 8, 2 and 1. I ended up baby sitting a lot and looking after the others. It seems insane now, that an 11 year old was doing this.

he came out of prison about a year later and the partying started again. I come from an Irish family where drink was always a weakness. One night after one of the parties, mum and this bloke had a row and he hit mum, giving her a black eye. Mum was always a firebrand and gave as good as she got, but this guy was 6'9" and 20+ stone. It never took him much force to hurt her.

Over the next few months he hit and hurt her a few times. I felt totally powerless as a child to stop him. I would call the police and they would come, but mum never pressed charges.

When I was about 12 I finally had enough of seeing the d*unkeness and violence. I could not take seeing my mum being hurt anymore and she always went back to him. I left home and went to live with my nan. My oldest brother went to live with my dad as he could not take it either.

The drinking and abuse carried on, she would visit my nan in all states. But she would not press charges. He went to prison again when I was about 16. When he came out, he claimed he had reformed and was sorry he had been like he was.

Mum asked me to move back in. I didnt at first, but things seemed to be better at home, so I did. It did not take him long to start the violence again. My mum stabbed him through his arm in self defence and I had to pull the knife out, not something a 16 year old should have to go through. Ironically, he pressed charges for assualt. Mum throw him out and things were better with just me and my 2 youngest brothers living with her. He eventually dropped charges and repented again. Mum let him move back in.

About a year later, there was a terrible fight between them. I came into the flat half way through it. He had beaten my mum to a pulp, throwing her through louvre wardrobe doors and kicking her. I rushed in to the room, he picked up a broken wooden slat and held it to her throat, threatening to kill her. I ran out, called a neighbour and the police for help. She was in hospital for weeks recovering and swore she would never have him back again.

Months went by, and things were good. I came home one evening to find her and him pissed out of their faces and she said she loved him and wanted him back. I packed my bags and everything I could carry into my car and went to live with my nan again.

I never spoke to my mother for about 4 years after that. I felt angry and betrayed. I could not believe that a beautiful, intelligent woman kept returning for this abuse. I was scared for her and for my brothers.

Eventually after one beating too many, she left him. I took revenge on this guy several times, by informing the police when I heard he had pulled another robbery. He spent many years in prison, due to me. I never had the physical presence to hurt him physically for what he did to my mum, so I hurt him in the only way I knew I could.

Slowly, we rebuilt a relationship. But by then, the drink had really got to her. I tried to help her as much as I could. Trying to get her to the doctors and to counselling. Even so, it could not bring the woman I adored so much as a child back to a normal life

She had a series of failed brutal relationships. I tried to help, but each time she turned away from me and stuck with the men who were abusing her. my mum just wanted to be loved by a man and if he could supply a steady stream of vodka, she was happy.

Eventually my relationship completely failed with her. She became angry and abusive to those who really loved her.. her family. The final nail for me was when she hit and hurt my nan. I never forgave her for that and did not speak to her for 12 years.

My mum died 2 months ago. She was a broken woman, who had isolated herself from everyone. I can remember the day when she started to die, it was all those years ago when the pig she fell for first attacked her.

The only good thing that come out of this sorry mess, was that myself and my brothers have sworn we would never hurt a woman and we never have. Ironically as a child, my mum used to say 'wife beaters' were all cowards and she would never put up with a man who hurt her.

I find any 'man' who could hurt a woman a loathsome, pitiful piece of shit.

Sorry if I have rattled on, but it hit home today about all this. My mum would have been just 60 years old today.

To any man or woman out there who is a victim of domestic violence, I truly hope you can find help. I does not need to happen, but it takes strength to walk away. I hate to think there are poor people out there suffering like my mum did.

"
OMG - I cannot begin to imagine the trauma, sadness, loneliness and helplessness you have experienced at such a young age; nor the enormous burden and responsibility you had for your younger siblings. It takes real courage to do what you did and real balls to share this with us. A very humbled thank you from me.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"I have read this thread with interest a couple of times. I have wanted to add to it as it is an emotive subject for me.

My mum died 2 months ago. She was a broken woman, who had isolated herself from everyone. I can remember the day when she started to die, it was all those years ago when the pig she fell for first attacked her.

The only good thing that come out of this sorry mess, was that myself and my brothers have sworn we would never hurt a woman and we never have. Ironically as a child, my mum used to say 'wife beaters' were all cowards and she would never put up with a man who hurt her.

I find any 'man' who could hurt a woman a loathsome, pitiful piece of shit.

Sorry if I have rattled on, but it hit home today about all this. My mum would have been just 60 years old today.

To any man or woman out there who is a victim of domestic violence, I truly hope you can find help. I does not need to happen, but it takes strength to walk away. I hate to think there are poor people out there suffering like my mum did.

"

Thank you for sharing your story on a day filled with thoughts of your mother. Thanks particularly for showing that witnessing abuse does not normalise it and has reinforced respectful, non violent, behaviour in you and your brother.

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By *ucsparkMan
over a year ago

dudley


"I have read this thread with interest a couple of times. I have wanted to add to it as it is an emotive subject for me.

When I was 10 or so my mother started an affair with a local guy. He was meant to be a bit of a wide boy rogue type. She fell for his charms and left my stepdad for him. He showered her with gifts and generally showed her a good time. Lots of drink was always involved and the house became a bit of a party palace with lots of friends and lots of laughter. Shortly after he moved in, he was sent to prison for burglary/robbery.

I am the oldest of 4 boys, at this point in time, my younger brothers were 8, 2 and 1. I ended up baby sitting a lot and looking after the others. It seems insane now, that an 11 year old was doing this.

he came out of prison about a year later and the partying started again. I come from an Irish family where drink was always a weakness. One night after one of the parties, mum and this bloke had a row and he hit mum, giving her a black eye. Mum was always a firebrand and gave as good as she got, but this guy was 6'9" and 20+ stone. It never took him much force to hurt her.

Over the next few months he hit and hurt her a few times. I felt totally powerless as a child to stop him. I would call the police and they would come, but mum never pressed charges.

When I was about 12 I finally had enough of seeing the d*unkeness and violence. I could not take seeing my mum being hurt anymore and she always went back to him. I left home and went to live with my nan. My oldest brother went to live with my dad as he could not take it either.

The drinking and abuse carried on, she would visit my nan in all states. But she would not press charges. He went to prison again when I was about 16. When he came out, he claimed he had reformed and was sorry he had been like he was.

Mum asked me to move back in. I didnt at first, but things seemed to be better at home, so I did. It did not take him long to start the violence again. My mum stabbed him through his arm in self defence and I had to pull the knife out, not something a 16 year old should have to go through. Ironically, he pressed charges for assualt. Mum throw him out and things were better with just me and my 2 youngest brothers living with her. He eventually dropped charges and repented again. Mum let him move back in.

About a year later, there was a terrible fight between them. I came into the flat half way through it. He had beaten my mum to a pulp, throwing her through louvre wardrobe doors and kicking her. I rushed in to the room, he picked up a broken wooden slat and held it to her throat, threatening to kill her. I ran out, called a neighbour and the police for help. She was in hospital for weeks recovering and swore she would never have him back again.

Months went by, and things were good. I came home one evening to find her and him pissed out of their faces and she said she loved him and wanted him back. I packed my bags and everything I could carry into my car and went to live with my nan again.

I never spoke to my mother for about 4 years after that. I felt angry and betrayed. I could not believe that a beautiful, intelligent woman kept returning for this abuse. I was scared for her and for my brothers.

Eventually after one beating too many, she left him. I took revenge on this guy several times, by informing the police when I heard he had pulled another robbery. He spent many years in prison, due to me. I never had the physical presence to hurt him physically for what he did to my mum, so I hurt him in the only way I knew I could.

Slowly, we rebuilt a relationship. But by then, the drink had really got to her. I tried to help her as much as I could. Trying to get her to the doctors and to counselling. Even so, it could not bring the woman I adored so much as a child back to a normal life

She had a series of failed brutal relationships. I tried to help, but each time she turned away from me and stuck with the men who were abusing her. my mum just wanted to be loved by a man and if he could supply a steady stream of vodka, she was happy.

Eventually my relationship completely failed with her. She became angry and abusive to those who really loved her.. her family. The final nail for me was when she hit and hurt my nan. I never forgave her for that and did not speak to her for 12 years.

My mum died 2 months ago. She was a broken woman, who had isolated herself from everyone. I can remember the day when she started to die, it was all those years ago when the pig she fell for first attacked her.

The only good thing that come out of this sorry mess, was that myself and my brothers have sworn we would never hurt a woman and we never have. Ironically as a child, my mum used to say 'wife beaters' were all cowards and she would never put up with a man who hurt her.

I find any 'man' who could hurt a woman a loathsome, pitiful piece of shit.

Sorry if I have rattled on, but it hit home today about all this. My mum would have been just 60 years old today.

To any man or woman out there who is a victim of domestic violence, I truly hope you can find help. I does not need to happen, but it takes strength to walk away. I hate to think there are poor people out there suffering like my mum did.

"

Ben sorry to have read this, but you have managed to take positives from so many negatives, may you have a peaceful time and in time remember only good times

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By *aturasqCouple
over a year ago

Hertfordshire

Thank you all for sharing your experiences .

I would just like to repeat an earlier statement. If you know or believe DV is happening you should report it especially if children within the household.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"apparently die as a result of domestic violence in the UK alone. The number for men is difficult to obtain as it is so often under-reported.

How would you go about things if a friend reported that he/she was at the receiving end of DV?"

its a very hard subject, sadly most women who suffer such abuse dont want help, manly thro fear, they are scared to leave their partners, you think if this is what he does too me while we are together what will he do if he finds me when i leave him

Ive been thro it msyelf with my first husband, i stayed thro fear, i did leave him in the end as i couldnt cope anymore and i was homed in a safe house with other women and kids who had suffered the same, i spend months in there to scared to leave incase he found me and my story was quite common, every women in there when you asked why they took it for so long replied the same, fear, its easy to judge these women as cowards and not having a back bone and ive even heard some say such women are attention seekers and get off on the abuse and women who have never had it say they wouldnt put up with it etc but untill you have been thro it yourself its hard to say what fear will do to you

So most women will make excuses for the scares and reject any help offered and at the end of the day even if you witness it if the woman wont take the help offered theres nothing you can do about it

The police dont care, i got no help from them at all, i was in hospital once after a episode with my first husband and the nurse called the police and the police told me to my face they are reluctant to get involved in such matters are most of the women end up back with their fellas so they see it as a waste of time, the problem is its catch 22 most women go back because they have nowhere to go and feel they have no choice if the police ofered more protection and there was more places opened for these women to go less would feel pushed to go back home

You also have to be careful as sometimes trying to help can actually make matters at home worse

If i knew of someone who was going thro what i did i would get leaflets/numbers for organisations out there to help people in this situation, give them the contacts in a quiet place when they was alone and leave them to make the choice to use the numbers or not, theres really nothing else you can do sadly

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Put two people together where both have some level of self-esteem issues, make one nurturing and one needy and it's a heady mix. Control and change. And it often starts so subtly you don't even notice it is happening. Then you are in 'but I love him' territory.

I have had personal experience but I have also seen a friend almost totally destroyed by a man that we all thought of as kindness personified. She never once told us what was going on until he became so extreme it was difficult to cover up any longer. She managed to get away only to have his (their) friends and his adult children from an earlier relationship continue the abuse by making her life hell for going to the police.

There is also now research that shows that many women stay for their pets. A refuge will take children but they won't take pets. Vets and RSPCA are being trained to spot signs of animal abuse that may indicate dv too.

Where it's psychological it can be so hard to spot and so easy to believe that it's you and not them.

It is so good that men are now reporting abuse against them too.

"

One of the first questions Police officers ask when attending a dv incident, if there are pets present, does the perpetrator hurt the pets.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thank you all for sharing your experiences .

I would just like to repeat an earlier statement. If you know or believe DV is happening you should report it especially if children within the household."

I would have to disagree, you need to know the level of violence, or indeed if it is just mental, if the children are at any times involved, abused themselves..

Sometimes involving outside authorities where say it is the mother being abused, and the children are still perfectly secure/safe can also be very damaging to the children in question.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thank you all for sharing your experiences .

I would just like to repeat an earlier statement. If you know or believe DV is happening you should report it especially if children within the household.

I would have to disagree, you need to know the level of violence, or indeed if it is just mental, if the children are at any times involved, abused themselves..

Sometimes involving outside authorities where say it is the mother being abused, and the children are still perfectly secure/safe can also be very damaging to the children in question."

it could also lead to the woman getting a extra beating once the police have left

I remember when people used to get involved with me id just think i wish they would mind their own, because every time someone called the police or tried to confront him about it it was me who got the brunt of it when it pissed him off

I know people was trying to help and their heart was in the right place but if all your going to do is call the police its really no help at all and just makes matters worse, i mean what do people think will happen when they call the police? this is the real world all it really does it draws the the mans attention people know and more offen than not that will make matters worse

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"Thank you all for sharing your experiences .

I would just like to repeat an earlier statement. If you know or believe DV is happening you should report it especially if children within the household.

I would have to disagree, you need to know the level of violence, or indeed if it is just mental, if the children are at any times involved, abused themselves..

Sometimes involving outside authorities where say it is the mother being abused, and the children are still perfectly secure/safe can also be very damaging to the children in question.

it could also lead to the woman getting a extra beating once the police have left

I remember when people used to get involved with me id just think i wish they would mind their own, because every time someone called the police or tried to confront him about it it was me who got the brunt of it when it pissed him off

I know people was trying to help and their heart was in the right place but if all your going to do is call the police its really no help at all and just makes matters worse, i mean what do people think will happen when they call the police? this is the real world all it really does it draws the the mans attention people know and more offen than not that will make matters worse

"
Unfortunately that is the dilemma that teachers have when they suspect children are experiencing/ witnessing DV - if they get involved it often makes matters worse for the child. I am not advocating to turn a blind eye btw... just highlighting this as others have done.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thank you all for sharing your experiences .

I would just like to repeat an earlier statement. If you know or believe DV is happening you should report it especially if children within the household.

I would have to disagree, you need to know the level of violence, or indeed if it is just mental, if the children are at any times involved, abused themselves..

Sometimes involving outside authorities where say it is the mother being abused, and the children are still perfectly secure/safe can also be very damaging to the children in question."

'Just mental' abuse is just as bad as a punch, if not worse. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

Kids aren't as oblivious as you might think. They know what's going on even if they don't show it.

Also what NN said- "its a very hard subject, sadly most women who suffer such abuse dont want help, manly thro fear, they are scared to leave their partners, you think if this is what he does too me while we are together what will he do if he finds me when i leave him" -EXACTLY this. There are stories every week in the papers about blokes killing their kids/ partners and then themselves. Staying in the same house might feel like it keeps the abuser happy. If she leaves.... and pisses him off.... who knows what he will do. It can feel safer to just stay.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Report it.

It's wrong. Simples. Plus, the police can arrest the person, even if the victim hasn't confirmed the abuse.

The reason for this is because the victim will often make excuses for their abuse and protect their abusers.

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By *phrodite OP   Woman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

I guess there are no many black and white scenarios where it is clear what to do next; far more situations are not clear cut and it is important to consider the safety of the people involved before making decisions and phone calls. That is not to say that acute danger should not be acted upon without delay.

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By *leasureDomeMan
over a year ago

all over the place


"apparently die as a result of domestic violence in the UK alone. The number for men is difficult to obtain as it is so often under-reported.

How would you go about things if a friend reported that he/she was at the receiving end of DV?"

i think the first thing i would have to do is offer a place of safety where they can at least think it all through,that's having got them any medical help they need of course.

Then i think it would be all practical help where i can and leave the other support to the experts.i am a good listener though.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thank you all for sharing your experiences .

I would just like to repeat an earlier statement. If you know or believe DV is happening you should report it especially if children within the household.

I would have to disagree, you need to know the level of violence, or indeed if it is just mental, if the children are at any times involved, abused themselves..

Sometimes involving outside authorities where say it is the mother being abused, and the children are still perfectly secure/safe can also be very damaging to the children in question.

'Just mental' abuse is just as bad as a punch, if not worse. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

Kids aren't as oblivious as you might think. They know what's going on even if they don't show it.

Also what NN said- "its a very hard subject, sadly most women who suffer such abuse dont want help, manly thro fear, they are scared to leave their partners, you think if this is what he does too me while we are together what will he do if he finds me when i leave him" -EXACTLY this. There are stories every week in the papers about blokes killing their kids/ partners and then themselves. Staying in the same house might feel like it keeps the abuser happy. If she leaves.... and pisses him off.... who knows what he will do. It can feel safer to just stay.

"

The point being each scenario should be treated separately, as above, a report may then enrage the perpetuator and as below, there are no hardened and fast rules.

And by no means I am saying mental abuse should not be taken seriously, it is in fact a form of torture.

What I am saying is, children MAY or NOT be affected by whatever form of abuse is happening in the house, and each situation must be treated on an individual basis.

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