FabSwingers.com forum: Disturbing reason for being a sub

By *.L.0460. OP Woman
over a year ago

Bognor Regis

I have a female friend who occasionally uses Fab. She's an attractive girl who is around a size 18 & feels very unattractive.

She's very into being submissive & looks for men who will physically dominate her.

In her words, she "likes being roughed up, because she's too unattractive to be worth treating well, so she gets what she deserves".

This worries me immensely & I wish I could help her to feel better about herself.

Is that attitude a common thing with submissive women??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

yes.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

Goodness that's so sad.

It's not why I am - it's just how I'm wired

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No I don't think that's massively a reason why some women are Submissive, I'm Submissive and would say I'm pretty confidant and comfortable in my skin, for some tho degregation is part of ther kink so maybe that is what your friend likes? To be put down and treat as worthless because that is more common than your think

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Shitty attention is better than no attention to some. Its crap when you have poor self esteem just leaves you open to all sorts of dangerous situations. I hope your friend sees her self worth somehow and soon OP.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All women should feel comfortable in the way they look hopefully your freind finds someone who likes her just the way she is

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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago

Gapping Fanny

"I have a female friend who occasionally uses Fab. She's an attractive girl who is around a size 18 & feels very unattractive.

She's very into being submissive & looks for men who will physically dominate her.

In her words, she "likes being roughed up, because she's too unattractive to be worth treating well, so she gets what she deserves".

This worries me immensely & I wish I could help her to feel better about herself.

Is that attitude a common thing with submissive women??

Is it common? Not in my experience. The submissive people we have encountered are not doing it because of a lack of self worth, it is merely who they are.

With not knowing her it is hadd to say if this is healthy, but if it isn’t it could lead to exploitation and/or abuse.

Rough play can be fun for its own reasons, as can objectification, CNC, humiliation, degradation etc. It may be that she feels that is the easier (more acceptable?) way to explain her interests?!?

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

It's not uncommon unfortunately. However, there is a chance of her being exploited and put herself in situations she shouldn't. I've used kink to get over trauma but that was with my partner and Dom who has my best interests at heart.

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By *uliette500Woman
over a year ago

Hull

That is really sad but I'm not sure if it is common or not.

I am submissive but that is because I enjoy the dynamics of it.

I have had some very loving vanilla relationships and the sex has been great but doesn't quite hit the spot for me. I need that little bit extra.

I have spoken to quite a few sub women on here and I have never come across anyone who feels as your friend does.

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

In my experience, no.

It can be that way though and it leaves people open to getting caught up in fake Doms who enjoy the (non consensual) abuse. It usually found in people that are new to D/s dynamics.

The majority of subs that I’ve met are run of the mill people who enjoy the power exchange and trust dynamics from their encounters

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By *riving_Home_For_MimiWoman
over a year ago

Hampshire/Dorset

Can be many reasons, past trauma, low self esteem, power exchange.

Do you think she would maybe talk to someone and get some help? She's leaving herself open to abuse if she doesn't learn to value herself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rough play can be fun for its own reasons, as can objectification, CNC, humiliation, degradation etc. It may be that she feels that is the easier (more acceptable?) way to explain her interests?!?"

This is what I wondered. It could be, she may not be able to explain it in another way?.

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By *melia DominaTV/TS
over a year ago

Edinburgh (She/Her)

"I have a female friend who occasionally uses Fab. She's an attractive girl who is around a size 18 & feels very unattractive.

She's very into being submissive & looks for men who will physically dominate her.

In her words, she "likes being roughed up, because she's too unattractive to be worth treating well, so she gets what she deserves".

This worries me immensely & I wish I could help her to feel better about herself.

Is that attitude a common thing with submissive women??

As many have already said. There are underlying self esteem and perhaps mental health issues at play here.

A submissive has all the control in a session or scene.

Her idea of submission is skewed in a dangerous and negative way.

She will get hurt or has already been hurt and thinks this is what bdsm and sexual encounters are.

She is susceptible manipulation in all the wrong ways.

The problem is there is very little you can do about it apart from be there and perhaps educate and guide her.

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Wakefield

That’s really sad.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

Yes ive come across this especialky women that i call have dead eyes whete know matter what abuse theyare getting they feel its what tbey are worth. Ive seen women caned until they are bleeding becauze they think its there worth It breaks my heart but they are happy with ot

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By *undayTarkaMan
over a year ago

South west

Similar to some cuck scenarios, being worthless and have a useless small cock, seen this on a similar scale, some ppl like being degrading.

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By *reya73Woman
over a year ago

Whitley Bay

I think it isn't uncommon for people to explore a particular role in order to consciously work with a part of themselves that needs attention/healing/expressing. But this is a very different thing to sub sex which is fulfilling a role which only perpetuates a toxic self limiting belief.

It might be worth establishing with your friend which one this is... For some.. Self worth will always be something to have navigate within relationships. There are healthy ways.. It doesn't have to be limited to sub/dom dynamics. If you're concerned, I hope you can address it with her and make some difference X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Low self worth, will instill belief systems, in us about our selves, that are so skewed, misplaced and misaligned. That underlying root cause, will be wrapped in denial and fantasy, which keeps us safe and secure in emotionally turbulent states and times, until that is worked on and self worth rebuilt, then that thinking continues

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not for me, I love rough treatment, cnc, but within a dynamic that’s full of love.

We’ve done so much healing and transforming together.

My self worth has improved, but it wasn’t terrible before, and it has got better because the D/s dynamic is safe, I trust him and I know 100% that he respects and loves me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some people use bdsm to access painful aspects of their lives.

We can be conflicted in our daily lives. Some people have trauma in their past that has left a mark on them. While you adapt and grow, part of you stays with the trauma. If you are made feel worthless that can become a big hurdle to overcome. Your friend might use submission as a healthy way to access this trauma and process things. Yes she is treated roughly or humiliated but it is done under controlled conditions by someone who cares for her. An important part of bdsm is aftercare. You are treated "badly" like the traumatised part of you needs but you are cared for too. It helps heal.

The danger is if your friend is seeking out faux bdsm "dominants' who are perpetuating the abuse.

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