FabSwingers.com forum: Boundaries!

By *intageVixxsin OP Woman
over a year ago

Nottingham

It's no secret that a lot of people on here are a fan of some alternative and kinky stuff which is brilliant. Sexually liberated folk are the most fun

What I don't understand is people who won't respect that boundaries are there to protect your mental and physical wellbeing as a sort of buffer to your absolute limits to make sure you're ok.

For example, I won't do anything expressly BDSM on a first meet. I do not do breath play (choking) with anyone except a select few despite being one of my favorite things. Despite being on contraception - I always play safe until we discuss otherwise.

I however will not stand for from anyone - permanent markings, I have a hard no if anyone happens to mention scat/poo play. My boundaries are the first set of things, the second set are my absolute limits and are unlikely to change. I examine and check in on them both regularly to make sure they're right for me and the situations I find myself in

I received a message earlier that raised some questions two questions specifically -

for the women of FabSwingers:

Do you regularly examine your boundaries and do you tailor them to the person you're seeing/sleeping with/playing with?

If not, why not?

For the men of Fab:

Why do you feel the need to express desire to "push boundaries" as if women aren't capable of knowing ourselves what we like and don't?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In relation to kink.

I don't push the boundaries just try to find them. Some ladies just won't tell you, yet expect you to know. They don't want a discussion first but straight to play (fore).

Be adult and play safer.

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By *amOllieMan
over a year ago

Brighouse

I think a lot of men fail to realise that the common denominator of this website is sex and sexual fantasies. A lot seem clouded by the incorrect assumption that whomever they’re meeting is looking for the same as them and are feeling the same way they are.

The most important think on FAB is communication, I think before any meet boundaries should be discussed, set and upheld. So should fantasies and wishes - we’re all on here for a good time so why can’t that be the same for everyone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's no secret that a lot of people on here are a fan of some alternative and kinky stuff which is brilliant. Sexually liberated folk are the most fun

What I don't understand is people who won't respect that boundaries are there to protect your mental and physical wellbeing as a sort of buffer to your absolute limits to make sure you're ok.

I received a message earlier that raised some questions two questions specifically -

for the women of FabSwingers:

Do you regularly examine your boundaries and do you tailor them to the person you're seeing/sleeping with/playing with?

If not, why not?

For the men of Fab:

Why do you feel the need to express desire to "push boundaries" as if women aren't capable of knowing ourselves what we like and don't? "

Totally agree with you x well said x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

boundaries Are set in stone and never to be pushed if someone dose try to push them meet is over with and probably have a stern thing to my self if I will ever meet them again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ll chip in with my perspective from a couples point of view if that’s ok?

We only came into this lifestyle about 4 years ago but we are constantly reviewing/moving our boundaries.

We came into this not knowing what to expect or how we’d feel about sharing ourselves with others so we had a lot of rules in place. These have relaxed over time and will continue to do so.

However, we have come across those that were agreeable to those rules before we met them then tried to cross the line during play, many times.

That’s not acceptable and totally disrespectful.

I’m not sure how I (V) would have handled the situation had it happened during a solo meet.

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By *stbury DavenportMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

"For the men of Fab:

Why do you feel the need to express desire to "push boundaries" as if women aren't capable of knowing ourselves what we like and don't?"

I don't express that desire. I don't *have* that desire. I trust women to know what they do and don't like, and I respect their decisions. If they want to try anything new with me, they'll ask me.

Frankly, I consider talking about pushing someone else's boundaries to be a serious red flag.

Boundaries are boundaries are boundaries. Everyone has them, they exist for a reason, and we should utterly respect them.

I'll say it again: Enthusiastic. Informed. Consent.

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By *hrista BellendWoman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

Yes I think it's healthy to reevaluate your boundaries, it's a good tool to reaffirm why you have them so self doubt doesn't creep In, for me to be constantly tested on them would be tiresome and frustrating, I'd rather play the way I like to play

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By *inkyfilthymindMan
over a year ago

Heathrow / Berks

for the women of FabSwingers:

Do you regularly examine your boundaries and do you tailor them to the person you're seeing/sleeping with/playing with?

If not, why not?

For the men of Fab:

Why do you feel the need to express desire to "push boundaries" as if women aren't capable of knowing ourselves what we like and don't? "

Great post OP

I like the way you describe your approach, not getting all your boxes ticked on day 1 and build trust towards unlocking new experiences (with each other). Is that in itself not pushing boundaries between the two people involved?

There are hard limits - I never push as it erodes trust. Having a healthy conversation around limits is always good though; just doing it when the other person doesn’t want it is just duplicitous

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By *nabelle21Woman
over a year ago

B38

Do you regularly examine your boundaries and do you tailor them to the person you're seeing/sleeping with/playing with?

I definitely tailor my boundaries to the person I'm playing with.

Through the new experiences I've had my boundaries have changed quite a bit since joining fab.

I have met some that have broadened my horizons, but only after discussing it first and building trust.

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By *atinocoupleCouple
over a year ago

SF, NY, London (in that order)

We started so tame, and evolved over a decade of mutual exploration. Date night at a couples strip club, a soft swing, a full swap, an orgy, solo play, hotwife/hothusband.

Looking back, we never would have considered half of these things, but trust and conversations were key. Talking about fantasy, what we wanted to try, and what will only ever stay a fantasy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Boundaries should be always respected, it’s down to individual if they want to explore more or something different. But it doesn’t hurt by asking someone would they like to try this or this and it’s a simple yes no or maybe.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think what you wrote is spot on, your approach to new bdsm partners is exactly right.

I would say though, as someone in a D/a relationship of nearly 18 months, that my boundaries have changed massively.

A couple of things that started out as an absolute no, are now a massive yes and a turn on for me.

I remember talking about something last year and saying, oh no, that’s not for me and I love it, but that’s because our boundaries together are fluid and we always discuss things before we decide to try/change.

No one should be telling you how your boundaries are set, and what to do with them, that’s a huge red flag for me right there.

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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago

I don’t feel that sexually liberated folk are more fun, I have to say

My hard boundaries are set and are non negotiable. Within those boundaries it would be based on many factors. No two people are the same so my approach will always be different.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think a lot of men fail to realise that the common denominator of this website is sex and sexual fantasies. A lot seem clouded by the incorrect assumption that whomever they’re meeting is looking for the same as them and are feeling the same way they are.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Boundaries are laid out before every meet we have. It's important for them to know my limits as much as I need to know there's. Being comfortable and respectful is the key to a great playmate

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By *gent CoulsonMan
over a year ago

Secret hideaway in the pennines

"Boundaries are laid out before every meet we have. It's important for them to know my limits as much as I need to know there's. Being comfortable and respectful is the key to a great playmate

couldn't have said it better

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By *irty PrettyWoman
over a year ago

Cardiff

I do revise my checklist from time to time, and some of my soft limits have changed, my hard limits haven’t though.

And I definitely have different boundaries with my regular playmate than I would with someone new, in fact I won’t engage in any kind of BDSM play with someone new.

Having said that, I’ve found that even for vanilla sex, I have to clearly state my boundaries in advance with new partners - even for something as common as anal. Otherwise they tend to expect all sorts.

As for the guys who want to “push limits”, as soon as someone says that to me or has it on their profile, they’ve ruled themselves out. I wouldn’t trust them to respect a no.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

I think there’s two types of people, those doing the same things through one offs with people they don’t know too well and those exploring through some form of relationship. I would guess that the issues arise where the relationship and trust is missing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do you regularly examine your boundaries and do you tailor them to the person you're seeing/sleeping with/playing with?

_____________

My limits are different with every person I meet. With one man I meet I may say no anal but with another then il say yes.

Probably due to the fact of how much I get on with them and fancy them.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

"For the men of Fab:

Why do you feel the need to express desire to "push boundaries" as if women aren't capable of knowing ourselves what we like and don't?

I don't express that desire. I don't *have* that desire. I trust women to know what they do and don't like, and I respect their decisions. If they want to try anything new with me, they'll ask me.

Frankly, I consider talking about pushing someone else's boundaries to be a serious red flag.

Boundaries are boundaries are boundaries. Everyone has them, they exist for a reason, and we should utterly respect them.

I'll say it again: Enthusiastic. Informed. Consent.

Yes. Yes yes yes.

I've had my boundaries pushed or disregarded and it's between horrible and frightening. Just don't do it.

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By *gent CoulsonMan
over a year ago

Secret hideaway in the pennines

Being honest with myself, there are a few things I have not done ir tried

, so in that case, I would say that I would like to push some of my boundaries, I know my hard limits and not prepared to go past them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For the men of Fab:

Why do you feel the need to express desire to "push boundaries" as if women aren't capable of knowing ourselves what we like and don't? "

The questions assumes a rather big generalisation. Stereotypically it is one sided too

Never in my life have I immediately thought “this woman doesn’t know what she wants, I do and I’ll push her boundaries to get her there”. Talking and exploring verbally first is always key and is common sense.

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