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Do women change the man in a relationship?

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.

I have heard this quiete alot, how true would you say it was and in what way might it be?

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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago

STOKE ON TRENT

If the man wants to be changed that's on him

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think both sides adjust to some degree, how much will vary from couple to couple, to best fit together for happiness xx

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

I think relationships change us all. As do all experiences in life. If you're deliberately trying to change who someone fundamentally is as a person or change their life in ways they don't want or they were happy with before then you're with the wrong person though.

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By *arol321Woman
over a year ago

Poole

Maybe but that goes both ways.

In my last relationship the man changed me. I went from a confident outgoing person with a great sense of self to an introverted shadow who spent most of her time apologising for being so worthless.

No I’m out of that relationship I’m back to my old self.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Omfg ... absolutely! I work in a totally male environment and what my sister and sister-in-law are like!!!

The old adage is so very true; Albert Einstein reportedly said, “Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

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By *lasphemouscoupleCouple
over a year ago

Cambridgeshire

I wouldn't say change exactly as to me it implys forcing someone to be something different ie. The nagging wife picking at her poor husband about everything.. but we've both definitely changed and grown over the 20 years we've been together, naturally we've both adapted to each other's quirks over time and I see this more as growing together rather than one or the other of us changing the other purposely. I hope that makes sense lol

Mrs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hopefully you grow and develop together.

Sometimes you grow apart.

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)


"Hopefully you grow and develop together.

Sometimes you grow apart."

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

Most people change as they have more life experiences. It’s inevitable.

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By *an_LexaCouple
over a year ago

Sunderland

I think in any kind of relationship that works we adjust and develop to mould more around one another. But change I don’t feel is necessarily the right word. Essentially I’d never want someone to change who they were.

Lex

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By *all me FlikWoman
over a year ago

Galaxy Far Far Away

People can change over time but fundamentally they are the same people. Would I try to change someone....never.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford


"Maybe but that goes both ways.

In my last relationship the man changed me. I went from a confident outgoing person with a great sense of self to an introverted shadow who spent most of her time apologising for being so worthless.

No I’m out of that relationship I’m back to my old self. "

Agreed! Hugs x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've had a few girlfriends who have tried to change me or say things like 'If only you were like this ...'. Needless to say the relationships didn't last long.

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

Virtually every cell in my body didn’t exist in me seven years ago. I am essentially a completely different person from who I was then.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You show me a relationship that can’t or won’t balance, and I’ll show you a relationship that will fall.

Not all men will need to change to make their partner happy, not all women will have to either. (And all other dynamics m/f/lgbt etc)

*i am not a relationship therapist

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By *an4funMan
over a year ago

london

It will depend on the dynamic. One half of the couple might be more dominant than the other and therefore.more able to exert some form of control. Sometimes this is very subtly done. Dressing your man the way you want him to look is controlling behaviour.

Relationships require compromise from both halves to be successful.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Here’s hoping that no woman ever tames you Shag as you wild devil may care side must always be free to express itself.

Personally I think if you love some body you change to fit better with that person but as an Aspie I change every day to deal with whatever life throws my way.!!!!

T

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If the man wants to be changed that's on him"

Ooof, straight for the kill.

Good morning everyone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some people have stayed in for a change

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

Any changes in a relationship should always be a mutual give and take and should ideally enhance both partners life's

One sided forced changes are almost always going to put a strain on the relationship

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

Any successful loving relationship requires compromise. Which is another word for change.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't think it's about changing, anyone who tries to change their partner shouldn't be with them in the first place. It's more about learning to compromise, communicate and grow together which in itself is change

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Yeah... probably for another one

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By *edGrayCouple
over a year ago

Swindon

In my first marriage, we were polls apart, we both wanted to change each other and it made the relationship toxic. When the relationship ended I vowed that I would look for someone that was more in line with my values and beliefs. I think after 18 years of being together we have influenced each other in equal measure. Every year in jest, we have an AGM and discuss if we should disband the company.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

.


"I don't think it's about changing, anyone who tries to change their partner shouldn't be with them in the first place. It's more about learning to compromise, communicate and grow together which in itself is change "

Agreed with this. I don't think it should be exclusive to either party in the relationship - we all learn, grow and change, in a successful relationship it's for the better.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think both people change slightly, most relationships involve some compromise and you also learn/develop as a person because of that relationship, but I wouldn't say it's limited to the man.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

I treated my ex as a sex object...I'd suggest sex and she'd object

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We are all full of personality holes and spikes. Each personality trait we have or reaction to a trigger is a spike or hole so we have hundreds of them.

Sometimes the hole we have is filled by someone else's spike and everything is fine there. For example a personality spike for me is I need to be in control. But my wife is happiest when she feels someone is in control of certain things so that was a positive for us when we met. If I had met someone else who needed to be in control then I would have been in trouble.

The bigger the relationship the more spikes and holes we reveal to each other. So for a one night stand you might just reveal 1% of your personality but a co worker will see more, a partner even more again.

And no one is 100% a match.

But what happens is over time we compromise with our friends and partners. Spikes get smaller, deficits get filled in.

My wife didn't change me. She gave me standards I needed to meet. And some of them I did. And sometimes she had to realise that I was never going to meet her standards and she adapted. And the reverse was true for her.

We grew into each other.

No one is changed by other people. We change ourselves.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"We are all full of personality holes and spikes. Each personality trait we have or reaction to a trigger is a spike or hole so we have hundreds of them.

Sometimes the hole we have is filled by someone else's spike and everything is fine there. For example a personality spike for me is I need to be in control. But my wife is happiest when she feels someone is in control of certain things so that was a positive for us when we met. If I had met someone else who needed to be in control then I would have been in trouble.

The bigger the relationship the more spikes and holes we reveal to each other. So for a one night stand you might just reveal 1% of your personality but a co worker will see more, a partner even more again.

And no one is 100% a match.

But what happens is over time we compromise with our friends and partners. Spikes get smaller, deficits get filled in.

My wife didn't change me. She gave me standards I needed to meet. And some of them I did. And sometimes she had to realise that I was never going to meet her standards and she adapted. And the reverse was true for her.

We grew into each other.

No one is changed by other people. We change ourselves. "

Do you study at Harvard?

(A joke - Not sarcastic). This is actually well explained, and something I can relate to.

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By *rder66Man
over a year ago

Tatooine

We should all be changing and looking to eveolve for the better regardless of whom we are with.

If someoe is trying to change you because they want you to fit into there idea of who you should be , this is control.

If you change to fit into someone else idea of who you should be, this is insanity.

If you both change from the organic learning and growing together, this is a loving growth. You should be always seek to improve and if two people can do this together, being truely loving to each other, this is a beautiful thing.

Changing sound never be forced and should be a nautral process.

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.


"I think both sides adjust to some degree, how much will vary from couple to couple, to best fit together for happiness xx"
Yes. I think so too as both needs to adjust when living together x

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.


"I think relationships change us all. As do all experiences in life. If you're deliberately trying to change who someone fundamentally is as a person or change their life in ways they don't want or they were happy with before then you're with the wrong person though. "
Yes. I also think that relationships changes everyone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

he changed me Px

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes in a way they do, but this applies to both men and women and as others have said it's fairly normal you will change in a way once you enter a relationship.

I know people who do change their partners for the worst through controlling behaviour, but that's usually because of men and not women in my experience.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean


"I have heard this quiete alot, how true would you say it was and in what way might it be? "

No Shag.

It is not true.

It is a VERY clumsy saying.

It's a saying full of blame and negativity although whether 'he' is supposed to be changed for the better or for the worse isn't made clear.

This clumsy way of vocalising observations attempts to attribute all change in male behaviour to women as if the male is just an inanimate , unthinking, incapable, brainless being in all that goes on around him and that he has change THRUST upon him by women.

Life changes people. People change. Relationships bring joy and stress from and to both genders.

More than relationships bringing change RESPONSIBILITY brings change, or should.

I have seen many relationships where one partner thinks that they can carry on being single and free and live like a student. To be fair, why not? That's a relationship I'd like at my time of life. Company and fun without commitment , stress or having to consider , too much, the needs of another.

Youngsters are generally different. They have dreams, ideals and biology clocks. If they commit to each other and want home and family then they BOTH have to change. That should be decided before they commit to playing house. You can't put the dolls to bed or put on a cardboard box extension. Money is real. Bills are real . Kids are real. Couples should go for it 100% or don't do it. Romance has a lot to answer for.

No Shag....... people change. Stop trying to make it a gender issue.

Come to think of gender......... What happens in lesbian relationships, Gay relationships ? Poly relationships ???

The statement/questions supposes the world is a one man one woman kind of place and that women should know their place and the man can carry on being a boy ....

No. Who ever says it to you Shag seems somewhat narrow minded and not very worldly.

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By *entlecaressMan
over a year ago

Wakefield/ Beverley

Most just both blend to fit together better.

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By *an.thisMan
over a year ago

Torbay & Bournemouth

In my experience every partner I have ever had has tried to change me !! unfortunately trying to change the very things they loved about with me, my confidence, friendly likeable nature, my love for life, my passion, my spontaneity, my popularity, slowly started to become a threat to them & for no reason at all quickly turned into jealousy. I tried to stop them from feeling that way that eventually they turned a free spirit who was always loyal without question into a caged animal that becomes sad a boring ! Never again will I let anyone try to change me or will I put their happiness before myself. A true relationship should be build on trust person development of each other as well as individually.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

Does she 'change' him or do his priorities change?

If he was a down the pub 5 nights a week dude you can bet his mates will say "she's changed you, you're under the thumb" when the reality is the pub is no longer where his focus lies.

Of course there will be compromise and it's healthy to do so. It's growing as a unit, as a partnership.

There are tho both sexes who instead of ending a relationship because it isn't working, do try to change the other person (unless you're in a relationship with a narcissist, as changing and destroying who their partner is is the ultimate goal for them which means the relationship is working perfectly for their twisted needs)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"In my experience every partner I have ever had has tried to change me !! unfortunately trying to change the very things they loved about with me, my confidence, friendly likeable nature, my love for life, my passion, my spontaneity, my popularity, slowly started to become a threat to them & for no reason at all quickly turned into jealousy. I tried to stop them from feeling that way that eventually they turned a free spirit who was always loyal without question into a caged animal that becomes sad a boring ! Never again will I let anyone try to change me or will I put their happiness before myself. A true relationship should be build on trust person development of each other as well as individually. "

How did they go about trying to change you?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Depends how susceptible you are, I think any relationship is adapting

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"I have heard this quiete alot, how true would you say it was and in what way might it be? "

I used to hear it. I think it stems from the belief (that many still hold) that men are always reluctant to settle down and women have to trap them then make them change somehow curtailing their activities. It used to be commonly held that men were giving up their freedom while women were gaining security. If it ever was true it isn't any longer.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Think that depends on how you define "change":

Asking a (not so tidy )guy to tidy up after themselves is possibly a change for some, and that is an understandable request with a realistic prospect of happening and improving the relationship, well, in some cases

Asking a guy to fundamentally change who and what he is, is in my world not only a bit unfair but also unrealistic of giving you the desired outcome. And, one must wonder why you chose to be with that guy in the first place.

All of the above applies to women, of course

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A father was passing advice on the wedding ceremony to his daughter, and decided to ease her nerves for the big day, he broke the ceremony into simple stages.

Firstly, your husband to be will already be in the church. It is my responsibility to get you there in the first place and walk you up the aisle.

When we get to the altar, I step back, you step up to your groom and the ceremony will begin.

There will be a service, there will be a hymn and then the vows are exchanged. You'll kiss, be husband and wife and he'll take care of you.

The daughter nodded and said "Dad, thank you, I should remember all of that ok".

Come the wedding day, the father and daughter arrive outside the church. She was radiant and the father was so proud of his daughter.

"Can you remember what I said?" asks the father...

Yes, she says.

And as the blushing bride entered the church, the congregation heard her repeat to herself:

Aisle, Alter, Hymn.

I'll get my coat.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It’s such a binary, naive, simplistic, sweeping statement that has undercurrents of misogyny, that doesn’t take into account how complex and nuanced people are, so no it’s not true. But I’m guessing you knew that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Long term relationships effect both sides and modify certain behaviours . We are products of our environment so change to a certain degree is always going to happen when living with someone .

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By *parkle1974Woman
over a year ago

Leeds

I don't get it, from both sides.

Why change something/someone which you liked/loved in the first place x

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.


"Maybe but that goes both ways.

In my last relationship the man changed me. I went from a confident outgoing person with a great sense of self to an introverted shadow who spent most of her time apologising for being so worthless.

No I’m out of that relationship I’m back to my old self. "
Yes, it also goes both ways

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By *rder66Man
over a year ago

Tatooine


"I don't get it, from both sides.

Why change something/someone which you liked/loved in the first place x"
If you try to change someone this is coercive control, if you grow and learn from another person this is personal growth. If you can't evolve then you simply are not learning and out of that is born ignorance.

Even if you experience live as a single you should alsways aspire to want to improve yourself, mentaly and spiritualy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It’s such a binary, naive, simplistic, sweeping statement that has undercurrents of misogyny, that doesn’t take into account how complex and nuanced people are, so no it’s not true. But I’m guessing you knew that."

Crikey... I concur

I need to go for a lie down now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 14/04/21 10:49:42]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Experiences change us, it’s up to you how much you let them change who you are.

I personally wouldn’t want to change who am I as that wouldn’t be who I am.

I’m happy to try to be persuaded on some things that push me out of my comfort zone, but I have learned that doing things you really don’t want to do to make other people happy is ultimately going to you miserable.

I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

We've both changed a lot since we met 40 years ago. I think it would be very unusual if we didn't.

We've changed each other for sure, not deliberately but just by living together, adapting to each other and growing.

Fundamentally we are the same people though

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do relationships end? Sometimes it's because the spark is gone. And sometimes it's because you don't like them now.

When you have new relationship energy you can overlook a lot of problems you have with a person.

When that energy is gone is when most relationships end because the juice isn't worth the squeeze anymore.

Keeping it fab forum appropriate, his cum stinks and he expects her to swallow it.

She really likes him. He is what she needs.

He really cares for her and her personality is electric.

She can't take the cum stink anymore. So they talk. Both have a choice to make. If he doesn't back down over his desire she will probably end up leaving.

So what does he do? Make a small change or let her walk away.

What does she do? Give him another few weeks?

Or do they figure out a compromise? He can paint her tits with it but he needs to stop eating sprouts and start eating pineapple. Both make changes and are changed but the relationship keeps evolving

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Why do relationships end? Sometimes it's because the spark is gone. And sometimes it's because you don't like them now.

When you have new relationship energy you can overlook a lot of problems you have with a person.

When that energy is gone is when most relationships end because the juice isn't worth the squeeze anymore.

Keeping it fab forum appropriate, his cum stinks and he expects her to swallow it.

She really likes him. He is what she needs.

He really cares for her and her personality is electric.

She can't take the cum stink anymore. So they talk. Both have a choice to make. If he doesn't back down over his desire she will probably end up leaving.

So what does he do? Make a small change or let her walk away.

What does she do? Give him another few weeks?

Or do they figure out a compromise? He can paint her tits with it but he needs to stop eating sprouts and start eating pineapple. Both make changes and are changed but the relationship keeps evolving

"

And there we have it!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"We are all full of personality holes and spikes. Each personality trait we have or reaction to a trigger is a spike or hole so we have hundreds of them.

Sometimes the hole we have is filled by someone else's spike and everything is fine there. For example a personality spike for me is I need to be in control. But my wife is happiest when she feels someone is in control of certain things so that was a positive for us when we met. If I had met someone else who needed to be in control then I would have been in trouble.

The bigger the relationship the more spikes and holes we reveal to each other. So for a one night stand you might just reveal 1% of your personality but a co worker will see more, a partner even more again.

And no one is 100% a match.

But what happens is over time we compromise with our friends and partners. Spikes get smaller, deficits get filled in.

My wife didn't change me. She gave me standards I needed to meet. And some of them I did. And sometimes she had to realise that I was never going to meet her standards and she adapted. And the reverse was true for her.

We grew into each other.

No one is changed by other people. We change ourselves.

Do you study at Harvard?

(A joke - Not sarcastic). This is actually well explained, and something I can relate to. "

Thanks woody. I'm a crap lay but I'm great at relationships

I'm trying with the idea of becoming a therapist

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.


"Here’s hoping that no woman ever tames you Shag as you wild devil may care side must always be free to express itself.

Personally I think if you love some body you change to fit better with that person but as an Aspie I change every day to deal with whatever life throws my way.!!!!

T"
Ty and yes. I am enjoy the single life at the moment, you are right there too as you change to get on with someone as well

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By *uy4swingingMan
over a year ago

Gloucestershire

People have relationships to change their situation from discontentment to personal fulfilment. We are social animals that need people. Both people are changed for the better entering an intimate relationship. If not, we know what happens...

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By *ensual 2Couple
over a year ago

Blackpool


"We've both changed a lot since we met 40 years ago. I think it would be very unusual if we didn't.

We've changed each other for sure, not deliberately but just by living together, adapting to each other and growing.

Fundamentally we are the same people though"
Agree ...if your a proper pair you may alter over time but always be on the same hymn sheet

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"People have relationships to change their situation from discontentment to personal fulfilment. We are social animals that need people. Both people are changed for the better entering an intimate relationship. If not, we know what happens..."

I wouldn't contemplate entering a relationship if I was generally discontent in life

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you adapt to each other over time so it does involve some changes. However not a complete personality transformation.

I left both of my long term relationships because they tried to change me & control my behaviour which I was most certainly not prepared to do, so it’s definitely not just women who try to change men.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South

You can’t change a man that doesn’t want to change.

But the love of a good person (and the love of a bad person) does rub off and leave it’s mark.

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.


"Omfg ... absolutely! I work in a totally male environment and what my sister and sister-in-law are like!!!

The old adage is so very true; Albert Einstein reportedly said, “Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

"
Yes. I also like that saying from einstein there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Omfg ... absolutely! I work in a totally male environment and what my sister and sister-in-law are like!!!

The old adage is so very true; Albert Einstein reportedly said, “Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

Yes. I also like that saying from einstein there "

How I've always seen as it isn't about actually changing the person but when people are dating the lady will go and watch them do sport, support them etc then they get married/mice ins, the lady stops ... a little further in they start giving them quiet grief about their sport to the point that the man gives up his hobbies altogether to stop the hassle! Therefore she's surreptitiously changed him whereas he's changed for a quieter life! Unfortunately it can end badly with unhappiness and depression

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Omfg ... absolutely! I work in a totally male environment and what my sister and sister-in-law are like!!!

The old adage is so very true; Albert Einstein reportedly said, “Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

Yes. I also like that saying from einstein there

How I've always seen as it isn't about actually changing the person but when people are dating the lady will go and watch them do sport, support them etc then they get married/mice ins, the lady stops ... a little further in they start giving them quiet grief about their sport to the point that the man gives up his hobbies altogether to stop the hassle! Therefore she's surreptitiously changed him whereas he's changed for a quieter life! Unfortunately it can end badly with unhappiness and depression "

Move in* not sure where the mice come into it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

People change together rather than one or the other surely?

I don't think anyone should set out to change anyone else, relationships should be equal and you grow together as a couple. Although I am very aware that isn't always the case but generally thats not an equal loving relationship, it's abuse.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think some people mistake making someone change and being an influence on them.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

Im the one whose changed dramatically in our relationship my partner has adapted to the changes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Relationships are about compromise.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pets change their owners behaviour too

Maybe that puts this into perspective

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It’s such a binary, naive, simplistic, sweeping statement that has undercurrents of misogyny, that doesn’t take into account how complex and nuanced people are, so no it’s not true. But I’m guessing you knew that.

Crikey... I concur

I need to go for a lie down now"

There must be a glitch in the matrix

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It’s such a binary, naive, simplistic, sweeping statement that has undercurrents of misogyny, that doesn’t take into account how complex and nuanced people are, so no it’s not true. But I’m guessing you knew that.

Crikey... I concur

I need to go for a lie down now

There must be a glitch in the matrix "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I have heard this quiete alot, how true would you say it was and in what way might it be? "

He'll yeah

The female of the species is a blood sucking life crushing entity.

We ALL know the saying for a man

There's 3 rings in a marriage

The engagement ring

The wedding ring

And the suffer ring

I'm joking ladies .

I'm still the terrified wimp I was when I married the goddess.

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.


"Omfg ... absolutely! I work in a totally male environment and what my sister and sister-in-law are like!!!

The old adage is so very true; Albert Einstein reportedly said, “Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

Yes. I also like that saying from einstein there

How I've always seen as it isn't about actually changing the person but when people are dating the lady will go and watch them do sport, support them etc then they get married/mice ins, the lady stops ... a little further in they start giving them quiet grief about their sport to the point that the man gives up his hobbies altogether to stop the hassle! Therefore she's surreptitiously changed him whereas he's changed for a quieter life! Unfortunately it can end badly with unhappiness and depression "
You are right there too, as one might not beable to do as much of the thing they like, like sports and any kind of interest really as they have be more considerate when being in a relationship to the other person

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land


"Omfg ... absolutely! I work in a totally male environment and what my sister and sister-in-law are like!!!

The old adage is so very true; Albert Einstein reportedly said, “Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

Yes. I also like that saying from einstein there

How I've always seen as it isn't about actually changing the person but when people are dating the lady will go and watch them do sport, support them etc then they get married/mice ins, the lady stops ... a little further in they start giving them quiet grief about their sport to the point that the man gives up his hobbies altogether to stop the hassle! Therefore she's surreptitiously changed him whereas he's changed for a quieter life! Unfortunately it can end badly with unhappiness and depression "

When I have seen this being an issue is for example is my sister. Yeah she was supportive of his sport until they had children. Then her being unable to go away for a weekend with her mates or even family weekends away were impossible. Kids birthday parties arranged around home and away fixtures. It wasn't the woman who changed him or expected him to it was the fact they had a family.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Omfg ... absolutely! I work in a totally male environment and what my sister and sister-in-law are like!!!

The old adage is so very true; Albert Einstein reportedly said, “Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

Yes. I also like that saying from einstein there

How I've always seen as it isn't about actually changing the person but when people are dating the lady will go and watch them do sport, support them etc then they get married/mice ins, the lady stops ... a little further in they start giving them quiet grief about their sport to the point that the man gives up his hobbies altogether to stop the hassle! Therefore she's surreptitiously changed him whereas he's changed for a quieter life! Unfortunately it can end badly with unhappiness and depression

When I have seen this being an issue is for example is my sister. Yeah she was supportive of his sport until they had children. Then her being unable to go away for a weekend with her mates or even family weekends away were impossible. Kids birthday parties arranged around home and away fixtures. It wasn't the woman who changed him or expected him to it was the fact they had a family. "

Oh, sorry, I meant in a definitive pre-kids situation! But tbf if you marry a sports person then you know what to expect honestly and most professional/elite sports people that get married/have kids have the most amazing relationships/family life around it!

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

People in relationships typically form something of a shared identity together, such that each gains something together. It doesn't mean that the others have changed them by direction, just that each has influenced the others. We do tend to have different lifestyles when together with others, which can be by 'accident' of the circumstances, personal or joint decisions and more. We may change physiologically too, sometimes as a result of our changed lifestyles, stress levels and a lot more. Some talk about not making as much effort, once no longer single, others the opposite of this.

There will always be some people who want to change others and some partners who are compliant. It may or may not work out in the longer term, if someone senses a bigger investment and loss than their partner has had

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land


"Omfg ... absolutely! I work in a totally male environment and what my sister and sister-in-law are like!!!

The old adage is so very true; Albert Einstein reportedly said, “Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

Yes. I also like that saying from einstein there

How I've always seen as it isn't about actually changing the person but when people are dating the lady will go and watch them do sport, support them etc then they get married/mice ins, the lady stops ... a little further in they start giving them quiet grief about their sport to the point that the man gives up his hobbies altogether to stop the hassle! Therefore she's surreptitiously changed him whereas he's changed for a quieter life! Unfortunately it can end badly with unhappiness and depression

When I have seen this being an issue is for example is my sister. Yeah she was supportive of his sport until they had children. Then her being unable to go away for a weekend with her mates or even family weekends away were impossible. Kids birthday parties arranged around home and away fixtures. It wasn't the woman who changed him or expected him to it was the fact they had a family.

Oh, sorry, I meant in a definitive pre-kids situation! But tbf if you marry a sports person then you know what to expect honestly and most professional/elite sports people that get married/have kids have the most amazing relationships/family life around it! "

Ah I thought you meant playing for your local team. Professional ones totally different, I have to travel for work as did my ex, we had to before we had kids and had to work around it. Guess it depends if it's work or a hobby.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think both parties change, or should i say adapt to each other. No one is perfect in every way for the other person so we adapt/change for each other.

The issue comes when one person suppresses the other person moulding them into their imaginative ideal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Omfg ... absolutely! I work in a totally male environment and what my sister and sister-in-law are like!!!

The old adage is so very true; Albert Einstein reportedly said, “Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

Yes. I also like that saying from einstein there

How I've always seen as it isn't about actually changing the person but when people are dating the lady will go and watch them do sport, support them etc then they get married/mice ins, the lady stops ... a little further in they start giving them quiet grief about their sport to the point that the man gives up his hobbies altogether to stop the hassle! Therefore she's surreptitiously changed him whereas he's changed for a quieter life! Unfortunately it can end badly with unhappiness and depression

When I have seen this being an issue is for example is my sister. Yeah she was supportive of his sport until they had children. Then her being unable to go away for a weekend with her mates or even family weekends away were impossible. Kids birthday parties arranged around home and away fixtures. It wasn't the woman who changed him or expected him to it was the fact they had a family.

Oh, sorry, I meant in a definitive pre-kids situation! But tbf if you marry a sports person then you know what to expect honestly and most professional/elite sports people that get married/have kids have the most amazing relationships/family life around it!

Ah I thought you meant playing for your local team. Professional ones totally different, I have to travel for work as did my ex, we had to before we had kids and had to work around it. Guess it depends if it's work or a hobby. "

Even if playing, say rugby, every Saturday for 8 months of the year, you choose to marry that guy, then pre kids he gives it up - not because he wants to just because his partner makes it awful if he doesn't, then that is selfish! Like women that marry a guy in the forces (say when there are no conflicts to fight) then he has to leave because his life is made a misery then that is selfish! It happens all the time unfortunately so in my life experiences yes, lots of women marry and make the guys change with no formal discussion and, personally, I find that selfish! And it's not uncommon at all which is why there are sayings and jokes about it! It can be sport, gym, hobbies, forces etc

And don't know about you, but we women are good at manipulation

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By *uzz And WoodyCouple
over a year ago

Maidstone

I don’t want to change my husband, I just want to borrow someone else’s occasionally (with her permission of course).

Seriously though, it’s natural to grow and change together, hopefully it will mean the relationship never becomes stale and predictable.

Lou x

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land


"Omfg ... absolutely! I work in a totally male environment and what my sister and sister-in-law are like!!!

The old adage is so very true; Albert Einstein reportedly said, “Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

Yes. I also like that saying from einstein there

How I've always seen as it isn't about actually changing the person but when people are dating the lady will go and watch them do sport, support them etc then they get married/mice ins, the lady stops ... a little further in they start giving them quiet grief about their sport to the point that the man gives up his hobbies altogether to stop the hassle! Therefore she's surreptitiously changed him whereas he's changed for a quieter life! Unfortunately it can end badly with unhappiness and depression

When I have seen this being an issue is for example is my sister. Yeah she was supportive of his sport until they had children. Then her being unable to go away for a weekend with her mates or even family weekends away were impossible. Kids birthday parties arranged around home and away fixtures. It wasn't the woman who changed him or expected him to it was the fact they had a family.

Oh, sorry, I meant in a definitive pre-kids situation! But tbf if you marry a sports person then you know what to expect honestly and most professional/elite sports people that get married/have kids have the most amazing relationships/family life around it!

Ah I thought you meant playing for your local team. Professional ones totally different, I have to travel for work as did my ex, we had to before we had kids and had to work around it. Guess it depends if it's work or a hobby.

Even if playing, say rugby, every Saturday for 8 months of the year, you choose to marry that guy, then pre kids he gives it up - not because he wants to just because his partner makes it awful if he doesn't, then that is selfish! Like women that marry a guy in the forces (say when there are no conflicts to fight) then he has to leave because his life is made a misery then that is selfish! It happens all the time unfortunately so in my life experiences yes, lots of women marry and make the guys change with no formal discussion and, personally, I find that selfish! And it's not uncommon at all which is why there are sayings and jokes about it! It can be sport, gym, hobbies, forces etc

And don't know about you, but we women are good at manipulation

"

Haha I must be a weirdo I'm always telling M to go out with his mates. But I think once people have kids compromises need to be made on both sides with regards to their social lives.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not intentionally i dont thing but yes

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By *naswingdressWoman
over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

As a trope it's not particularly flattering to men or women

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By *hagTonight OP   Man
over a year ago

From the land of haribos.

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By *ubal1Man
over a year ago

Newry Down

From my experience, well adjusted people, like the majority of people who have posted to this thread, adjust to and learn from each new relationship and experience in life.

Problems (of adjustment and change to facilitate symbiosis) arise from an inability or unwillingness to change, that could be regarded as a personality disorder; that is a fixed pattern of behaviour.

If one becomes involved in a relationship where the other party cannot adjust (I abhor using the term compromise) it is best to walk away.

Over time most people knock the rough edges off each other through daily interaction and cooperative behaviours, which is the core of the human condition; those who try to coercively control or manipulate another are manifesting a significant flaw within themselves.

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

If he is changed so he's a doormat then it's over. I've seen this happen to relatives and friends.

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By *an.thisMan
over a year ago

Torbay & Bournemouth


"In my experience every partner I have ever had has tried to change me !! unfortunately trying to change the very things they loved about with me, my confidence, friendly likeable nature, my love for life, my passion, my spontaneity, my popularity, slowly started to become a threat to them & for no reason at all quickly turned into jealousy. I tried to stop them from feeling that way that eventually they turned a free spirit who was always loyal without question into a caged animal that becomes sad a boring ! Never again will I let anyone try to change me or will I put their happiness before myself. A true relationship should be build on trust person development of each other as well as individually.

How did they go about trying to change you?"

It’s a funny thing each one of them said in the beginning all they want was to feel like they are loved, looked after, by someone who doesn’t want to control them, who’s honest, supportive, loyal, respectful. The one thing they all had in common was they all came from very controlling relationships, some had extremely jealous controlling ex, others had violent partners through drinking, gambling that where disrespectful & gave them no commitment. My last partner was the worst, she came from a very abusive, destructive childhood that every partner she met previously either cheated on her, let her down or took from her. I took me a little while to realise they all played the victim it started of great at first everything you ever wanted in a relationship & you carnt believe anyone could be like that to someone,!and all you want to do is show them they not everyone is the same & you want to make them happy, but it’s never enough the more you try the worse they got but this happens really slowly to the point you don’t notice it at first as all you want is for them to be happy ! Then they start telling me I was just like all the test I would let them down or cheat on them making me try even harder ! Before I new it they started talking control using either guilt, manipulation, or emotional abuse. Then I read up on narcissist behaviour & gas lighting personality traits are never heard off, & it was my fault s that for some reason because I have a caring nature i was drawn to them like a moth to a flame ! Now that I see the signs I’m more cautious. After talking to their previous partners them explained they all went through the same thing ! But they make everyone feel sorry for them not just partners friends work colleague! The sad part is they don’t realise they are doing it ! But for the victim it’s not just psychologically damaging it can also be physically damaging ! Because while they are playing the victim to anyone who will listen, telling lies about everyone but mostly about their partner to get constant sympathy from friends family, that they come across so convincing as they look so innocent & vulnerable, telling these people don’t say anything else it will make things worse, no one says anything to you, but All of a sudden friends behaviour starts to change towards you, they start saying random things that doesn’t make sense, blaming you for not doing this or that to your partner & when you bring it up with your partner saying what are they talking about they say there just d*unk or misunderstood that all the while your are non the wiser. Your loosing friends, your employer starts having issues & when you become aware it’s your partner turning everyone against you it’s too late & when they have caused so much damage to you & you know it them, that you still Can’t believe what you’re hearing telling yourself it just can’t be true, why would the person that just wants to be loved and your the one giving everything, they are trying o destroy you from within, you just can’t comprehend it that when you are so stressed out loosing everything and everyone around you they are totally isolating you when you finally onfront them, they want to leave blaming everything on you it doesn’t just destroy your faith In people and any hope of ever trusting anyone again. It Changes you as a person, can be damaging to your reputation or worse still destroy you financially. Thank god this only happened to me the once !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I have heard this quiete alot, how true would you say it was and in what way might it be? "

It's what they do, Hence why I choose to be single. I don't need another mother

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By *den-Valley-coupleCouple
over a year ago

Cumbria

I would say grow together.

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

Everyone changes when they are in a relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think some women try to change and shape their men into something they want. Like elevate him. But i think it’s a losing game. U can change someone to a degree but a lot of the time u can’t change the men and turn him Into someone he’s not

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

When you are in a relationship you all adapt over time it is part of living and learning together. However, if you find you are changing the core of who you are, suppressing part of you, then you aren’t with the right person.

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