FabSwingers.com forum: Presurrised Wed-Lock

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Hi,

I've been curious for quite a long time now as to the percentage of pressurised marriages.

Pressurised as in receiving the ultimatum by either party. The ultimatum been... Marry Me or we're finished or something similar.

I have discovered over the past few years that 3 of my male friends received an ultimatum from their wives

& 2 of my brother in laws also. 4 out of these 5 men are no longer with their wives and have said they never wanted to marry them. Shocking eh... But true.

I would so love to conduct a public survey on the topic pressurised Wed-Lock. But I actually thought...maybe I'd get some feed back here. I'd much appreciate it.

Thanks in advance if you care to comment X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did these ones propose as a joke too when they were inebriated?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This happend to me luckily it never got to the wedding stage but I did waste alot of money on an engagement ring. She was also trying to force me to have kids when she knew from the start of the relationship that I never wanted them. Safe to say now I won't ever get married.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Did these ones propose as a joke too when they were inebriated?"

Lol No

Not that I'm aware of...

Grant it they're as much to blame for marrying someone they say they didn't want to...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well the person pressuring the partner has clearly decided they need that in their life and have decided they don’t want to waste any more time, that’s their choice and I don’t see it as bad that they decided they stand up for what they want....

If the person then decided to cave in and do something they don’t want and never did want, then they should not be selfish wasting the persons time to begin with, and should have had the balls to say if that’s what you want I can’t give you it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"This happend to me luckily it never got to the wedding stage but I did waste alot of money on an engagement ring. She was also trying to force me to have kids when she knew from the start of the relationship that I never wanted them. Safe to say now I won't ever get married. "

Thanks for that. I admire you for being Man enough to not go through with something you didn't want to i.e. Marriage and kids.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

I got married once .. when I was young dumb and full of cum

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By *ed VoluptaWoman
over a year ago

Wirral.

It's a strange one, isn't it?

I've never been married, myself but I know people who weren't bothered, but their partners were, so they did it for them.

I don't see that as a bad thing, as they are still jolly happy. And if one of the pairing has a strong opinion on marriage, why not talk it through? If it makes the person you love happy, why not?

Obviously, if someone is reticent & feels they're being bulldozed, then no, that's not good.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I never married either by choice. I decided since my late teens (19) when I received my first marriage proposal... It's not for me. I just never felt the need for it. I saw it as a legal document and still view it that way...marriage.

But anyway saying all that I did naively think until quite recently that many proposals were very romantic and fairytale like... As in the guy proposing on one knee out of the blue and the girl all smitten, excited and over whelmed. Apparently not the case in many marriage proposals

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By *ed VoluptaWoman
over a year ago

Wirral.

"I never married either by choice. I decided since my late teens (19) when I received my first marriage proposal... It's not for me. I just never felt the need for it. I saw it as a legal document and still view it that way...marriage.

Sadly not. I always thought I'd be married by 30. Instead, I walked out & have never lived with anyone since!

Don't get me wrong, I love the romance, it just doesn't lady, does it? X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pressure marriage never works it has to be a mutual understanding. Both hubby and I are divorced because of that issue.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Why would anyone marry someone if they didn't want to?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Well the person pressuring the partner has clearly decided they need that in their life and have decided they don’t want to waste any more time, that’s their choice and I don’t see it as bad that they decided they stand up for what they want....

I agree

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Why would anyone marry someone if they didn't want to?

This is what I don't get either... They're just as much to blame... Not having the courage to say ... `I don't want to marry you`

Some who do do it think it will be sex on tap... The opposite actually happens for some...I know this from chatting to married men here and other sites...their marriages are totally sexless after only a few years of being wed..

Shocking Eh but apparently true

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't allow myself to be pressurised into a marriage x im not slating the guys but it's their own fault x that's just my take on it x

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

I reckon that’s just post split bluster in the majority of cases.

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By *ed VoluptaWoman
over a year ago

Wirral.

"I reckon that’s just post split bluster in the majority of cases.

Yes, it's got to be, surely. Hasn't it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I reckon that’s just post split bluster in the majority of cases.

Yes, it's got to be, surely. Hasn't it? "

Quite so, as you’ve said, the majority.

I think the women would also realise their mistake too late. I don’t think they ‘pressure’ knowing what will possibly follow, loveless, sexless, adultery, whatever. It’s only natural to want to take the next step in a relationship. They found themselves in a comfortable place with their boyfriend at the time and thought the next logical step was marriage, hence the ‘ultimatum.’ It’s made to sound like the witch made him do it when it was probably nothing of the sort. Men are masters at playing victim when it suits us.

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By *imbobaMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Decivied and hoodwinked at the outset. Then not strong enough at the time to realise what was really going on. Then kids. Great kids.

Now happily away from the marriage.

Oddly the kids gravitate to me. Wonder way?

Yeah. A bit bitter but way happier now.

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By *imbobaMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

"Decivied and hoodwinked at the outset. Then not strong enough at the time to realise what was really going on. Then kids. Great kids.

Now happily away from the marriage.

Oddly the kids gravitate to me. Wonder way?

Yeah. A bit bitter but way happier now. "

Typo why*

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Decivied and hoodwinked at the outset. Then not strong enough at the time to realise what was really going on. Then kids. Great kids.

Now happily away from the marriage.

Oddly the kids gravitate to me. Wonder way?

Yeah. A bit bitter but way happier now. "

Focus on your great kids and how they never would have been had it not been for your experience and the bitterness will fade with time, hopefully. You’re wiser now with your future to look forward to.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

These scenarios never end well. I've never understood why you would want someone to propose based on an ultimatum. If you have discussed getting married, wait for them to be ready. Same with having children, you need to be on the same page from the get go

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Never been married or engaged here, has been discussed, but definitely no pressure from either of us.

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

Just a point of order; if you want people to post their thoughts and experiences, maybe don’t call them weak, selfish and the like!

It can be a form of manipulation and emotional control or abuse, would you tell a woman that she’s an idiot for being manipulated? No. It’s apparently ok because it’s a guy though.

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By *essie.Woman
over a year ago

Serendipity

I wonder if it depends on when you ask the question. Just post split up and you’ll likely get a negative response. A few years down the line, when the dust has settled, you might get a more honest perspective.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 14/04/21 07:20:52]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Another view which has happened several times throughout my life is when one partner does want to get married and the other one doesn't but they do actually love each other ... within a few years one of them is married, happily, but to a different person leaving the one behind devastated

Life is about compromise to a point and if we all behave selfishly then noone ends up happy!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just a point of order; if you want people to post their thoughts and experiences, maybe don’t call them weak, selfish and the like!

It can be a form of manipulation and emotional control or abuse, would you tell a woman that she’s an idiot for being manipulated? No. It’s apparently ok because it’s a guy though.

Well I’ve never used a gender in my response, as I know it isn’t just men who are pressured... so my response has nothing at all to do with how I’d respond depending on gender.

If someone chooses to be offended by a forum post, well that’s their choice, but I choose not to dance around my responses to pander to everyone. And I stand by opinion regardless of gender.

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By *ensualkinkMan
over a year ago

hotel or at yours

"Hi,

I've been curious for quite a long time now as to the percentage of pressurised marriages.

Pressurised as in receiving the ultimatum by either party. The ultimatum been... Marry Me or we're finished or something similar.

I have discovered over the past few years that 3 of my male friends received an ultimatum from their wives

& 2 of my brother in laws also. 4 out of these 5 men are no longer with their wives and have said they never wanted to marry them. Shocking eh... But true.

I would so love to conduct a public survey on the topic pressurised Wed-Lock. But I actually thought...maybe I'd get some feed back here. I'd much appreciate it.

Thanks in advance if you care to comment X"

I read the subject and thought about two people inside a pressure cooker for some reason!

Not sure if I would take 5 men telling that they were pressured to do something at face value. Everyone is ‘innocent’ naturally at the end of a relationship.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

My sister inlaw (as I like to think of her) has been asking my brother to marry her for years he wont! I feel for her as they have been together maybe 30 years and not married I think he should to give her the financial stability shd anything happen to him! Makes things easier! She also wanted a child back at beginning she couldnt carry them because of medical reasons but he wouldn't he has 2 daughters from previous marriage! I even said I would have one for her but he wouldn't! X

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"Just a point of order; if you want people to post their thoughts and experiences, maybe don’t call them weak, selfish and the like!

It can be a form of manipulation and emotional control or abuse, would you tell a woman that she’s an idiot for being manipulated? No. It’s apparently ok because it’s a guy though.

Well I’ve never used a gender in my response, as I know it isn’t just men who are pressured... so my response has nothing at all to do with how I’d respond depending on gender.

If someone chooses to be offended by a forum post, well that’s their choice, but I choose not to dance around my responses to pander to everyone. And I stand by opinion regardless of gender.

My post wasn’t aimed at you.

It’s not a case of being offended. It’s about being manipulated, abused and controlled, those are difficult issues for anyone to deal with, without being told that you’re the selfish one, weak and ‘bad’ one for being abused!

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By *usty kayWoman
over a year ago

Burnham

I gave my ex husband an ultimatum. When we got together I was 17 and he had promised the world. Then 6 years later he refused to get married or have more children (he had 3). I was 23 and everything I had ever wanted was suddenly pulled out from underneath me. We talked and the ultimatum was that I couldn’t give up on everything I wanted but it wasn’t fair to expect him to do anything he didn’t want so we had to compromise. He agreed to have a child as he knew how important that was too me. I agreed to give up on getting married. A few years later we did get married but I was told it was because I couldn’t let it go and had pushed him into it. At no point did I deliberately do that, I meant it when I said I would be happy not to get married but it wasn’t just my ex who said I had pushed him into it.

I don’t regret anything because I (we)have the most amazing son but it’s hard to not wish I’d had the sense to walk away at the age of 23 just to save the hurt when it all went wrong.

When you’re not both on the same page about something as big as marriage and children there’s probably a lot of other things that are out of sync. They were hidden behind love and stability for me

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By *inBleuMan
over a year ago

Sunny Yorkshire

Oh that we could learn from others mistakes...

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By *EAT..85Woman
over a year ago

Nottingham

I've never wanted to get married. I refused my exes proposal.

I view it as an expensive piece of paper. However, some people are un-bothered by the prospect and it's just as easy to say yes as it is to say no to make a partner happy if it's what they want.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After uni, I met a lovely American lady. We were fresh grads, starting out in life. Long distance relationship with many vista back and forth. Wonderful with no issues. 4 years later, we discussed marriage and eventually children. I was certain I wouldn’t want them but she did. We parted ways.

Funnily enough, years later, I found out I LOVE children!! Life’s lessons, eh?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"After uni, I met a lovely American lady. We were fresh grads, starting out in life. Long distance relationship with many vista back and forth. Wonderful with no issues. 4 years later, we discussed marriage and eventually children. I was certain I wouldn’t want them but she did. We parted ways.

Funnily enough, years later, I found out I LOVE children!! Life’s lessons, eh?

Sorry, my point being that had she applied a little pressure on me and I had caved, I think I would still have loved it. I just hadn’t realised what I wanted yet. Still, I got there in the end via another road.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Just a point of order; if you want people to post their thoughts and experiences, maybe don’t call them weak, selfish and the like!

It can be a form of manipulation and emotional control or abuse, would you tell a woman that she’s an idiot for being manipulated? No. It’s apparently ok because it’s a guy though.

I honestly don't think one person saying that they won't continue a relationship unless they're married is manipulation, emotional control or abuse. If it's accompanied by threats of harm that's different.

Who's being emotionally controlled, the one who wants marriage or the one who doesn't?

Control and abuse isn't the same as setting out boundaries or discussing how you want your relationship to proceed in my opinion.

Marry me or I will destroy your life is but I don't think that's what the op implied

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

To be honest I think the greatest pressure for getting married is society as a whole. Think if the stigma around unmarried women having kids. And the resulting fuss over the kids surnames etc. Or family constantly asking when you're going to settle down or make an honest woman of you etc.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"To be honest I think the greatest pressure for getting married is society as a whole. Think if the stigma around unmarried women having kids. And the resulting fuss over the kids surnames etc. Or family constantly asking when you're going to settle down or make an honest woman of you etc.

I don't think there's a great deal of stigma now around unmarried women having kids, at least not if it's still within some kind of committed relationship.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Simply .....

The person giving the ultimatum shouldn't have done that.

The person receiving the ultimatum shouldn't have accepted.

If someone wants to be married they should suggest it. If the other partner says they don't want marriage then the first person needs to decide whether marriage or the partner is ultimately what they want.

After they have made that decision, if it's marriage they want they then need to STATE that they no long wish to continue with the relationship and just end it.

Even if the other person begs them not to end it they should just end it and go and seek what they want in life.

As for the person who says ....... 'they made me do it , I didn't want to marry them.... what a cop out.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Way back when I was about 9 the "big girl" over the road was getting married. It was all very exciting and I stood on the doorstep watching her get in the car with her dad. An hour later she was back. Her fiance didn't want to get married but had been afraid to say. So on the morning of the wedding he shut himself in the cupboard under the stairs and his mum had to go to the church and tell the unfortunate bride to be that he wouldn't be turning up.

I imagine that it's very difficult to stop the momentum of wedding preparations and it's better call it off even at the last minute but was there any need for that?

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By *ex HolesMan
over a year ago

Up North

Happened to me once. My response was to help her pack her bags

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Also I saw several friends of both sexes pressurised into marriage because a baby had been conceived. Often the woman would be accused of tricking the man into it. As if he had no idea that sex often resulted in conception

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

I don't think there's a great deal of stigma now around unmarried women having kids, at least not if it's still within some kind of committed relationship.

My parents were pressurised into getting married at the age of 17 and 20. Because they had conceived me. It was the biggest mistake of their lives and they should not have married.

And there would certainly be parts of my family that would not have been happy if I hadn't have married before children, due the shame it would bring on the family. My sister got married whilst pregnant as she did not want a child out of wedlock.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't think there's a great deal of stigma now around unmarried women having kids, at least not if it's still within some kind of committed relationship.

My parents were pressurised into getting married at the age of 17 and 20. Because they had conceived me. It was the biggest mistake of their lives and they should not have married.

I can understand it perhaps affecting our parents more due to the prevailing attitudes of their time

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"Just a point of order; if you want people to post their thoughts and experiences, maybe don’t call them weak, selfish and the like!

It can be a form of manipulation and emotional control or abuse, would you tell a woman that she’s an idiot for being manipulated? No. It’s apparently ok because it’s a guy though.

Who's being emotionally controlled, the one who wants marriage or the one who doesn't?

Control and abuse isn't the same as setting out boundaries or discussing how you want your relationship to proceed in my opinion.

Marry me or I will destroy your life is but I don't think that's what the op implied"

There are far more insidious ways of manipulating someone than just simply threatening them or giving out and out ultimatums.

I understand what the OP was saying, it’s the posts which class the guy as spineless, weak or selfish that I find quite hard to swallow.

It’s like telling someone to just leave an abusive partner, it’s never that simple

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Never been married or engaged here, has been discussed, but definitely no pressure from either of us."

Out of curiosity who initially brought up the `discussion` of marriage???

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've never wanted to get married. I refused my exes proposal.

I view it as an expensive piece of paper. However, some people are un-bothered by the prospect and it's just as easy to say yes as it is to say no to make a partner happy if it's what they want.

^^^^^^^ Same as... I never wanted to get married either... & I've had a few proposals. I just don't get it tbh...as I said, to me it's just a legal document and as you have said you ``view it as an expensive piece of paper``, I totally agree. The average wedding costs £40,000 plus. That to me is crazy for one day

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Just a point of order; if you want people to post their thoughts and experiences, maybe don’t call them weak, selfish and the like!

It can be a form of manipulation and emotional control or abuse, would you tell a woman that she’s an idiot for being manipulated? No. It’s apparently ok because it’s a guy though.

Who's being emotionally controlled, the one who wants marriage or the one who doesn't?

Control and abuse isn't the same as setting out boundaries or discussing how you want your relationship to proceed in my opinion.

Marry me or I will destroy your life is but I don't think that's what the op implied

There are far more insidious ways of manipulating someone than just simply threatening them or giving out and out ultimatums.

I understand what the OP was saying, it’s the posts which class the guy as spineless, weak or selfish that I find quite hard to swallow.

It’s like telling someone to just leave an abusive partner, it’s never that simple"

I agree with your last sentence.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I've never wanted to get married. I refused my exes proposal.

I view it as an expensive piece of paper. However, some people are un-bothered by the prospect and it's just as easy to say yes as it is to say no to make a partner happy if it's what they want.

You can get married for far less that £40k it depends on how you want to do it.

I'm a supporter of marriage, I'm also a supporter of not being married.

When someone dies though it can be very difficult for the partner of there's no expensive piece of paper.

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

"I've never wanted to get married. I refused my exes proposal.

I view it as an expensive piece of paper. However, some people are un-bothered by the prospect and it's just as easy to say yes as it is to say no to make a partner happy if it's what they want.

"
.

Think the cost of a registry office only wedding is about £200-300. Getting married isn't expensive it's the celebration of the marriage is what's expensive.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've never wanted to get married. I refused my exes proposal.

I view it as an expensive piece of paper. However, some people are un-bothered by the prospect and it's just as easy to say yes as it is to say no to make a partner happy if it's what they want.

Think the cost of a registry office only wedding is about £200-300. Getting married isn't expensive it's the celebration of the marriage is what's expensive. "

Is that all it costs

Yes it's the cost of the `party) celebration` dress etc ... & How extravagant one goes...I don't get that bit though either... €50,000+ is the average cost here in Ireland...that's 250 guests plus lots of little extras

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Never been married or engaged here, has been discussed, but definitely no pressure from either of us.

Out of curiosity who initially brought up the `discussion` of marriage???"

I can't remember specifically, it was a conversation we had years ago about marriage in general as my partner has previously been married.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I've never wanted to get married. I refused my exes proposal.

I view it as an expensive piece of paper. However, some people are un-bothered by the prospect and it's just as easy to say yes as it is to say no to make a partner happy if it's what they want.

Think the cost of a registry office only wedding is about £200-300. Getting married isn't expensive it's the celebration of the marriage is what's expensive. "

I don't know if it's still a thing but a local venue was doing a £1000 wedding. Obviously that doesn't include the bride and grooms outfits or any bridesmaids or page boys.

I think some people concentrate on the wedding rather than the marriage. I know a couple who are really happy about the guest limits that have been imposed because it means it's going to cost them a lot less to get married and they don't have to invite people they don't like

. There's an awful lot of pressure around weddings and who to invite.

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By *aughtywifeandhimCouple
over a year ago

luton

If my wife had of pressurised me she knew too well I would have walked ,have known relationships break up because of it so what would have been the point ,I know some who have stayed together but cheat on each other. Because they felt forced into it ,I’ve been with wife over 30 years and don’t pressurise each other to do anything sexual or non sexual leads to a much happier fun filled life

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By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

I asked my ex to marry me. We had been together nearly 12 years, were on our 2nd house & had a child. He said yes because he thought I’d leave him if he didn’t. I wouldn’t have left him. We married & had another child. From the moment they were born I was convinced he was cheating on me. And it took nearly 5 years to confirm that he was. 20 years down the drain. The only security I had was our marriage certificate which kept the roof over our heads.

I said I’d never marry again. Then I met T.

J x

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By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

And you can get married in a registry office for @£60. Just the couple, the registrar, 2 witnesses & sometimes a photographer in the registrars actual working office but a ceremony room.

A lot of people do it this way then have a friend or celebrant perform a non-legal service wherever they have a reception.

My sister did this when she didn’t want to tell anyone she married the awful man she is married to.

J x

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