FabSwingers.com forum: Joke thread

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Let's fill this thread with some jokes, good ones, ones that are so terrible they are funny. Dad jokes, dark jokes all welcome.

I'll start off with this..

A proton walks into a bar and orders a pint.

Bar person asks "are you sure?"

Proton relies "yes, I'm positive."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I admit I did laugh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I see two jocks already ^^

Ah .. jokes.

Next please

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I see two jocks already ^^

Ah .. jokes.

Next please

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you do with a year's worth of used condoms?

Melt them into a tyre and call it a Goodyear

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By *ean counterMan
over a year ago

Market Harborough/ Kettering

I want to die in the same way as my grandad, nice and peacefully in his sleep.............shame about his 52 passengers

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You could sense the excitement at autopsy club for tonight was open Mike night.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you do with a year's worth of used condoms?

Melt them into a tyre and call it a Goodyear

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What kind of Bees produce milk?

Boobees

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A friend of mine asked me if it was gay to put a kiss at the end of a text he was sending to a guy. I asked what was in the text, he said 'a picture of my cock'.

Hmmm.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The best joke I know is my inbox

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a magician who’s lost his magic?

Ian

What do you call a magicians dog?

A labracadabrador!

What do you call an exploding monkey?

A BABOOOM!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went on a date with an English teacher once which was awkward as she kept correcting my grammar. I said 'suck it good bitch' and she said 'no, it's suck it well'.

She also complained about my improper use of the colon.

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By *uvhandle20Man
over a year ago

SE London

Did you hear about the party in the London Zoo?

They had Gogorilla dancers and some Great tits jumping around

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay £20 to have a lentil on my face.

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do vampires seem sick? There always coffin

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why do vampires seem sick? There always coffin

Ok I laughed

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

I farted at work the other day… and my coworker started trying to open the window. It must have been a really bad one — we work on a submarine.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A PDF file

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A PDF file"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A PDF file

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good one lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Good one lol "

It's the only one I can ever remember

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

What’s long hard and full of seamen?

A submarine

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Good one lol

It's the only one I can ever remember

Might have to Google a few lol

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My friend told me the tory party is just cuts after cuts after cuts.. I told him your one letter off!

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By *ambozaMan
over a year ago

kilburn park

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?

Sir

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By *akedduo66Couple
over a year ago

Near Bordon

A guy decides to join a monastery and become a monk.

He has to take a vow of silence but is allowed two words every ten years.

After ten years the Abbott calls for him and explains that his ten years is up and he is allowed two words.

The guy looks at the Abbot and says "food bad".

The Abbott nods, puts his arm around the monk and leads him away.

Ten years later and the monk is back with the Abbot and the Abbott says that after another well served ten years the monk is allowed another two words.

The monk looks at him and says "bad food".

The Abbott nods and leads the monk away.

Ten years later the monk is back and again the Abbot says that he can say another two words.

The monk looks straight at the Abbot and says "I quit".

The Abbott says " I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but complain since you have been here!".

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

I Had a fight with an erection this morning.

I beat it single handedly.

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win,

I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face."

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

Jesus walks into a pub and puts 3 nails on the bar, then says to the Landlord, "Can you put me up for the night"?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

See you next month

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By *uliaChrisCouple
over a year ago

westerham

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

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By *innocentMan
over a year ago

Littlehampton

I put some fries in the oven for my dinner tonight, left them for about half hour.

When I went to check on them, they weren't anywhere to be seen, totally disappeared.

That's the last time I buy McCann oven chips.

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?"

Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"

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By *layfulserfMan
over a year ago

Northolt

A womans status on here said that she wanted Panda Sex.

Having never heard of it I sent her a PM asking what was involved.

She replied that it's when a bloke eats, shoots and leaves

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By *artythemanMan
over a year ago

hythe (southampton)

2 monkeys in the bath 1 goes OOOOWWWWW OOOWWWWWW AAHHHHH AAHHHHHHHH the other says put some cold water in

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A womans status on here said that she wanted Panda Sex.

Having never heard of it I sent her a PM asking what was involved.

She replied that it's when a bloke eats, shoots and leaves"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

patiently waiting for Princess Peach

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By *layfulserfMan
over a year ago

Northolt

in 2012 my mates wife bought some Olympic condoms. There was a Gold, Silver and Bronze ones in the packet.

My mate asked his wife which one he should wear only to be told to put on the Silver one as it was about time he came second

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. Lady asks, "What are you?" He says, "I'm a fireman." "But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman. He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass." Pull knob and I'll cum as fast as I can!"

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By *eah BabyCouple
over a year ago

Cheshire, Windermere ,Cumbria

What do you call a cougar with a hearing aid?? A Def Leppard

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the farmer say he lost his tractor?

Wheres my tractor.

Whats red and smells of blue paint?

Red paint

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By *.R.MMan
over a year ago

Norfolk

What's the difference between 'Oooh!' and 'Aaah!'?

About three inches."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did God give women legs? Have you ever seen the mess a snail makes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We are so lucky to still have jobs. I’ve a fella in decorating for me this week. He was saying he’s a pilot with Ryanair but now on furlough. He’s decorating to help pay his mortgage and other bills. Very sad, but to be fair he did a great job on the landing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My husband says if I talk about pasta one more time he’ll leave me...

I’m cannelloni right now....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If a midget says to you "your hair smells nice", is that classed as sexual harassment?

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By *ge_load_ladMan
over a year ago

NW & Mids

Whats the difference between light & hard

You can sleep with a light on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When is it acceptable to punch a midget in the face?

When he tells you your girlfriend's hair smells nice...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A dyslexic terrorist has stormed the London Zoo making random demands. He has taken six ostriches...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Who’s the most popular man at a swingers party?

The one who’s carrying a dozen donuts with no hands.

Who’s the most popular woman a swingers party?

The one who can eat the last donut with no hands.

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