FabSwingers.com forum: I don’t get it!!

By *icola2202 OP Couple
over a year ago

Chatham

Hi all so my brother 26 got into his first relationship few months back (also he was virgin)

So he gets with this girl who had been split from her ex a month or so, her ex beat her a lot and was very controlling

Few days ago she got up and wanted to go clear her head and she messaged him saying it was over and she was getting back with her ex. I just don’t understand it the guy beats her why would u go back?

With it being his first relationship he’s thinking he did something wrong and I really dunno what to say to him apart from she’s nuts!!

My brother is the nicest guy u will ever meet kind, generous, caring I mean when I was asking why he’s still a Virgin at 25 he said cos he wanted a relationship not just sex

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Trying to figure out the motives of those who reject us is a fools errand, something I've definitely learned from experience! Your brother sounds like one of the good ones, he should concentrate on his own qualities and those who would find him attractive. However painful this break up was, the sooner he moves on the better for him.

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By *icola2202 OP Couple
over a year ago

Chatham

"Trying to figure out the motives of those who reject us is a fools errand, something I've definitely learned from experience! Your brother sounds like one of the good ones, he should concentrate on his own qualities and those who would find him attractive. However painful this break up was, the sooner he moves on the better for him. "

I agree but it baffles me why you would go back to someone who beats you

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

Because abusers have control, and you only really leave them when you're on your knees and something wakes you up.

Like realising you'd rather be dead than existing in hell on earth.

It's incredibly sad.

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

I had a relationship with a lass back in the 80's who would do the same, it saddened me very much when she was sporting a black eye, or bruises on her body.

I couldn't cope anymore, so after about 9 months, I ended our relationship.

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By *ollydoesWoman
over a year ago

Shangri-La

She not nuts. She sounds like a girl who is trapped inside an abuseive and controlling relationship, and that's just sad.

It's unfair your brother got caught up in it, i would feel if that i knew she had only just come out of that type of relationship is she really be ready to move straight into another serious relationship.

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

Life experience for your brother. He has to learn to move on

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By *icola2202 OP Couple
over a year ago

Chatham

"Because abusers have control, and you only really leave them when you're on your knees and something wakes you up.

Like realising you'd rather be dead than existing in hell on earth.

It's incredibly sad."

Kinda like Stockholm syndrome?

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By *ollydoesWoman
over a year ago

Shangri-La

"Because abusers have control, and you only really leave them when you're on your knees and something wakes you up.

Like realising you'd rather be dead than existing in hell on earth.

It's incredibly sad.

Kinda like Stockholm syndrome? "

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"Because abusers have control, and you only really leave them when you're on your knees and something wakes you up.

Like realising you'd rather be dead than existing in hell on earth.

It's incredibly sad.

Kinda like Stockholm syndrome? "

It's hard to describe. It's starts out as hope and belief that they mean what they're saying.

There's also every chance he guilt tripped her back into the relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She is not nuts or crazy.

She's the victim of a controlling, violent man.

She's probably scared and went back because its what she knows and or he threatened her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I did find that especially at an early age (20-22)women seem to go for the dominant treat em like shit types (i was always friend zoned)

I has one lass break up with me for picking her up from work and was often told i was too nice

it was only a couple of years later that i met the other half when i wasnt as soft

In your bros situation the girl seems to have that “i can change him” mindset thats som dangerous in these situations, just hope she gets put before its too late

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By *icola2202 OP Couple
over a year ago

Chatham

I’m glad it only lasted 2 months but sucks for him as he thinks he did something wrong

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You should advise your brother to read up on those in abusive relationships and domestic violence, if he wants to understand it better. It's not easy to leave as they are so controlled. Plus your brother probably treated her kindly and deep down (due to so much ongoing abuse) she didn't feel she was worth kindness and the internal conflict caused by that was hard for her, which may over time have lead her to want to return to a relationship which feels more in balance with her very low view of herself.

It's very very sad. And a shame your brother got caught up in it.

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By *ecadent_DevonMan
over a year ago

Okehampton

Your brother did nothing wrong. The person he was with has been made “dependent” on her abuser emotionally, very similar to an addict, the first few months for her were always going to be the hardest, trying to break that dependency, a dependency built by both physical and self esteem control.

She fell off the wagon and has returned to her “substance”. It is sad, and I am sorry for them both. Until this woman learns that she has value as an individual, and accepts control of her own life, she will always be under her abusers thrall.

When you are a kind and empathetic person it can be easy to confuse caring with loving, to want to make life rich and beautiful for everyone, your brother will find love, but it starts with equality, mutual care, mutual support and ultimately it comes when both are equal in emotional stability.

With luck from Devon x

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"I’m glad it only lasted 2 months but sucks for him as he thinks he did something wrong "

relationships end for various reasons. If he feels he did something wrong the only person who can really reassure him that he didn't is his ex girlfriend. Part of growing and learning is accepting rejection

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

"I’m glad it only lasted 2 months but sucks for him as he thinks he did something wrong "

I just got fed up with being a shoulder to cry on, could only do so much, and it was wearing me out in the end unfortunately

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By *icola2202 OP Couple
over a year ago

Chatham

It’s a shame she was a lovely girl. Just wish I could help in some way

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By *radleyandRavenCouple
over a year ago

Herts

Unfortunately I highly doubt she's gone back to the abusive partner because she prefers it.

There is usually so much more to it than the physical side.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

I just walked into the spare room, can't even remember what I went in for. My eyes were drawn to a bunch of papers just sitting there.

When I had my breakdown I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. I found poetry a release.

This one was folded in the pile. I hope it helps you understand a little what it's like being in an abusive relationship.

It's tough to see that web of lies

Unfold before your very eyes

It hurts your heart, it hurts your soul

The rage builds up, tears start to roll

How could you be so fucking blind?

You thought he cared, that he was kind

They bully, torment, laugh and tease

Still you do all you can to please

They call you fat, they call you mad

And call you a pussy for being sad

Some nights they simply don't come home

So on the darkened streets you roam

You worry that they might be dead

But no, they're in anothers bed

You search the streets again and again

Then he shows up at 3pm

You know in your heart and in your gut

That he was with a filthy slut

"How dare you question, how dare you accuse?

I slept under the bridge, I'd had too much booze"

The one bridge I know of, the one by the bar

The one I checked under when I found his car

I really can't take it, I just want to die

I'm broken inside, I sit and I cry

He leaves once again to go and get pissed

That lying fucking narcissist

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