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Knowing your partner is bi/gay

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By *shanty OP   Woman
over a year ago

Folkestone

Should I approach the subject with him or not? I know the situation but he won’t talk about it. I don’t care that he’s bi and happy to support him but the continual lies are very hurtful.

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By *lasphemousGirlWoman
over a year ago

Cambs

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it's lies that hurt most, have you tried watching porn together and fantasy talk to try to get him to open up? This may be a way to let him know he won't be rejected by you, a lot of bi guys seem to have horrible experiences of gf finding out etc and having a negative reaction can impact on trust in a new partner, hope you find a way xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sorry your in this situation.

as above, if traditional conversation hasn't worked, porn/fantasy talk could be the way in.

Px

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

Are you absolutely sure he is? Could he be bi curious and hasn't worked it all out in his head yet? Or that he's tried it and it's not actually for him?

It's amazing if he is bi that he has a partner who is supportive. Maybe give him time maybe an ex kicked off and dumped him because of it and now he's worried.

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

Speaking as someone who only acknowledged that part of myself about 6/7 years ago, it’s a difficult thing to accept and admit about yourself. There is a huge amount of stigma associated with it, plus a lot of internalised biphobia that he’s probably experiencing.

I know that it’s hard to put your feelings of hurt and betrayal to the side, especially if he’s been acting on those feelings but if you’re both to accept and move on, he needs you.

He’s possibly assuming that you will leave him if he admits it, thinks that you’ll see him as less masculine or a lot of other things.

I know that this is a very complex issue but there are positives to be found once the issues have been resolved, it can take a while to work through though.

I know just how hard this can be, please try to be supportive and open about this though, don’t confront or accuse him.

There are support groups out there for both of you and they can really help.

Good luck OP. If you need to talk, feel free to PM me

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By *shanty OP   Woman
over a year ago

Folkestone

It’s very difficult trying to talk to him sadly, I completely understand the situation having seen several friends and family members in the same situation.

The porn route might be an idea but still think it will sadly be shot down.

What hurts the most is that I would be fine with it all if he could just be brave enough to open up or even slightly discuss which I know is a lot easier said than done

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

If someone refuses to discuss something there's nothing you can do. You can't get blood out of a stone

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham


"Should I approach the subject with him or not? I know the situation but he won’t talk about it. I don’t care that he’s bi and happy to support him but the continual lies are very hurtful. "

It’s interesting you say that lies hurt. Does him lying about being bi hurt you? Or is it something be does that is part of him being bi that hurt you?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Should I approach the subject with him or not? I know the situation but he won’t talk about it. I don’t care that he’s bi and happy to support him but the continual lies are very hurtful. "

If he doesn't accept to himself that he is Bi that could be making it very difficult for him to openly talk about it. He may be feeling he's letting you down or cheating on you in some way. Tread carefully on this one OP and maybe get some more informed advice before you decide to whether or not to raise it with him.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

I was in mental turmoil for some time when I realised I was bi. It’s not an easy thing for a guy who thought he was straight to accept. I’m quite happy with it now. Takes time. You could say ‘I wish you were bi’ and see what happens. In his head he might think of himself as straight.

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By *shanty OP   Woman
over a year ago

Folkestone

[Removed by poster at 06/04/21 14:15:16]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Should I approach the subject with him or not? I know the situation but he won’t talk about it. I don’t care that he’s bi and happy to support him but the continual lies are very hurtful.

It’s interesting you say that lies hurt. Does him lying about being bi hurt you? Or is it something be does that is part of him being bi that hurt you?

It’s the lying full stop, I found out by accident he’d been meeting other people and have given him several opportunities to discuss it and have said I’m much more open than he realises but just get shot down and know he’s still actively meeting people. I only ever came on here to confirm what I’d seen, not to have meets myself.

Yes I’m sure there will be plenty on here quick to have their two pennies worth and say why not just walk away but it’s not always as easy that. "

Of course it isn't, and any advice given needs be thought about. Only you can know your situation.

I hope whatever happens it goes well,for both of you.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Should I approach the subject with him or not? I know the situation but he won’t talk about it. I don’t care that he’s bi and happy to support him but the continual lies are very hurtful.

It’s interesting you say that lies hurt. Does him lying about being bi hurt you? Or is it something be does that is part of him being bi that hurt you?

It’s the lying full stop, I found out by accident he’d been meeting other people and have given him several opportunities to discuss it and have said I’m much more open than he realises but just get shot down and know he’s still actively meeting people. I only ever came on here to confirm what I’d seen, not to have meets myself.

Yes I’m sure there will be plenty on here quick to have their two pennies worth and say why not just walk away but it’s not always as easy that. "

I don't know the nature of your relationship or how long you've been together. Lying is often the reason people refuse to discuss things, along with fear that what they have to say will cause problems in your relationship. They don't realise that not talking actually causes more problems. Sometimes you have to make the decision between issuing an ultimatum to force discussion or accepting how things are.

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By *shanty OP   Woman
over a year ago

Folkestone


"Should I approach the subject with him or not? I know the situation but he won’t talk about it. I don’t care that he’s bi and happy to support him but the continual lies are very hurtful.

It’s interesting you say that lies hurt. Does him lying about being bi hurt you? Or is it something be does that is part of him being bi that hurt you?"

It’s not the being bi, I couldn’t care less about that and happy with that if he is, it’s the lying that I’m struggling with and I’m certain there is a huge amount of denial and uncertainty on his behalf but still doesn’t make it any easier being the person being lied too.

I found out by accident he’d been meeting other people and have given him several opportunities to discuss it and have said I’m much more open than he realises but just get shot down and know he’s still actively meeting people. I only ever came on here to confirm what I’d seen, not to have meets myself.

Yes I’m sure there will be plenty on here quick to have their two pennies worth and say why not just walk away but it’s not always as easy that

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land


"Should I approach the subject with him or not? I know the situation but he won’t talk about it. I don’t care that he’s bi and happy to support him but the continual lies are very hurtful.

It’s interesting you say that lies hurt. Does him lying about being bi hurt you? Or is it something be does that is part of him being bi that hurt you?

It’s not the being bi, I couldn’t care less about that and happy with that if he is, it’s the lying that I’m struggling with and I’m certain there is a huge amount of denial and uncertainty on his behalf but still doesn’t make it any easier being the person being lied too.

I found out by accident he’d been meeting other people and have given him several opportunities to discuss it and have said I’m much more open than he realises but just get shot down and know he’s still actively meeting people. I only ever came on here to confirm what I’d seen, not to have meets myself.

Yes I’m sure there will be plenty on here quick to have their two pennies worth and say why not just walk away but it’s not always as easy that"

Well I take back my previous reply to your OP. This is a totally different scenario. He's cheated and to be honest it doesn't matter what his sexually is that's not on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Should I approach the subject with him or not? I know the situation but he won’t talk about it. I don’t care that he’s bi and happy to support him but the continual lies are very hurtful.

It’s interesting you say that lies hurt. Does him lying about being bi hurt you? Or is it something be does that is part of him being bi that hurt you?

It’s not the being bi, I couldn’t care less about that and happy with that if he is, it’s the lying that I’m struggling with and I’m certain there is a huge amount of denial and uncertainty on his behalf but still doesn’t make it any easier being the person being lied too.

I found out by accident he’d been meeting other people and have given him several opportunities to discuss it and have said I’m much more open than he realises but just get shot down and know he’s still actively meeting people. I only ever came on here to confirm what I’d seen, not to have meets myself.

Yes I’m sure there will be plenty on here quick to have their two pennies worth and say why not just walk away but it’s not always as easy that

Well I take back my previous reply to your OP. This is a totally different scenario. He's cheated and to be honest it doesn't matter what his sexually is that's not on. "

Likewise OP my previous advice is withdrawn

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham


"Should I approach the subject with him or not? I know the situation but he won’t talk about it. I don’t care that he’s bi and happy to support him but the continual lies are very hurtful.

It’s interesting you say that lies hurt. Does him lying about being bi hurt you? Or is it something be does that is part of him being bi that hurt you?

It’s not the being bi, I couldn’t care less about that and happy with that if he is, it’s the lying that I’m struggling with and I’m certain there is a huge amount of denial and uncertainty on his behalf but still doesn’t make it any easier being the person being lied too.

I found out by accident he’d been meeting other people and have given him several opportunities to discuss it and have said I’m much more open than he realises but just get shot down and know he’s still actively meeting people. I only ever came on here to confirm what I’d seen, not to have meets myself.

Yes I’m sure there will be plenty on here quick to have their two pennies worth and say why not just walk away but it’s not always as easy that"

If I’m being honest it sounds a little selfish to wanna bring this up with him because it’s upsetting you.

This is a deep, private and confusing part of his life and if he’s not invited you in it might be for a reason. Don’t insert yourself in there unless invited.

Best thing you could do is try to let him know, workout bring direct, your thoughts on guts being bi. That might open him upm

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By *annaBeStrongMan
over a year ago

wokingham


"Should I approach the subject with him or not? I know the situation but he won’t talk about it. I don’t care that he’s bi and happy to support him but the continual lies are very hurtful.

It’s interesting you say that lies hurt. Does him lying about being bi hurt you? Or is it something be does that is part of him being bi that hurt you?

It’s not the being bi, I couldn’t care less about that and happy with that if he is, it’s the lying that I’m struggling with and I’m certain there is a huge amount of denial and uncertainty on his behalf but still doesn’t make it any easier being the person being lied too.

I found out by accident he’d been meeting other people and have given him several opportunities to discuss it and have said I’m much more open than he realises but just get shot down and know he’s still actively meeting people. I only ever came on here to confirm what I’d seen, not to have meets myself.

Yes I’m sure there will be plenty on here quick to have their two pennies worth and say why not just walk away but it’s not always as easy that

If I’m being honest it sounds a little selfish to wanna bring this up with him because it’s upsetting you.

This is a deep, private and confusing part of his life and if he’s not invited you in it might be for a reason. Don’t insert yourself in there unless invited.

Best thing you could do is try to let him know, workout bring direct, your thoughts on guts being bi. That might open him upm"

Just read sone more posts and you’ve said he’s cheated?

Bi or not you should bring that up. That’s a violation of your trust.

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By *isAdventure69Woman
over a year ago

Hampshire


"Should I approach the subject with him or not? I know the situation but he won’t talk about it. I don’t care that he’s bi and happy to support him but the continual lies are very hurtful. "

I've been there and alas it's not something he could bring himself to be open about with me even once "the cat was out the bag" . Partly because he found it shameful.

The never ending lies and deceit just drove me crazy and I didn't like the person I was becoming.

He and then us as a couple attended counselling but he struggled to be honest then too.

For my own sanity I had to take myself away from the situation.

This is quite ancient history , we have remained friends .

Good luck OP

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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)


"Should I approach the subject with him or not? I know the situation but he won’t talk about it. I don’t care that he’s bi and happy to support him but the continual lies are very hurtful.

It’s interesting you say that lies hurt. Does him lying about being bi hurt you? Or is it something be does that is part of him being bi that hurt you?

It’s not the being bi, I couldn’t care less about that and happy with that if he is, it’s the lying that I’m struggling with and I’m certain there is a huge amount of denial and uncertainty on his behalf but still doesn’t make it any easier being the person being lied too.

I found out by accident he’d been meeting other people and have given him several opportunities to discuss it and have said I’m much more open than he realises but just get shot down and know he’s still actively meeting people. I only ever came on here to confirm what I’d seen, not to have meets myself.

Yes I’m sure there will be plenty on here quick to have their two pennies worth and say why not just walk away but it’s not always as easy that

Well I take back my previous reply to your OP. This is a totally different scenario. He's cheated and to be honest it doesn't matter what his sexually is that's not on. "

I agree.

I had a feeling that this might be the case. Unfortunately, bi or not, cheating is a betrayal of trust and so that needs to be addressed.

Some people use being bisexual as an excuse to lie and cheat but the two are mutually exclusive, being bisexual doesn’t make someone a cheater.

You have a clear choice on this OP, put up with the lies and deceptions or confront him and see what happens.

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By *adbury girlWoman
over a year ago

Lanarkshire

If you are on fab on a single profile and he is meeting others then are you in an open relationship?

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By *hetalkingstoveMan
over a year ago

London

Oof. So will he not talk about being bi because he's embarrassed/ashamed of being attracted to men, or because he doesn't want to admit anything he thinks might expose the fact that he's cheating? (or both, of course)

Obviously we don't know the whole story but seems like you're being extremely generous in not just confronting him and demanding an explanation...

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By *shanty OP   Woman
over a year ago

Folkestone


"If you are on fab on a single profile and he is meeting others then are you in an open relationship? "

No we’re not. As mentioned before I only came on here initially after finding out he was on here and was being nosey trying to get my head round it all. I didn’t/don’t have intentions of meeting but have stayed for my own reasons and looking through the forums periodically.

If he were able to consider an open relationship I think I’d find it a whole lot easier

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By *ersey GirlCouple
over a year ago

Glasgow

Did it take you 8 months to find him

R

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By *shanty OP   Woman
over a year ago

Folkestone


"Did it take you 8 months to find him

R"

No as I’ve said, I came on here to look at his profile having seen evidence of it elsewhere. I’ve stayed on for my own nosiness seeing how often he’s on here, whilst part of me thinks to delete it and would be better off knowing nothing as I did 8 months ago at the moment my head isn’t in that space to let go

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By *offiaCoolWoman
over a year ago

Kidsgrove

Is he sexually open enough to consider going to a club with you ? That might present a more sexually open environment to engage ?

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By *adbury girlWoman
over a year ago

Lanarkshire


"If you are on fab on a single profile and he is meeting others then are you in an open relationship?

No we’re not. As mentioned before I only came on here initially after finding out he was on here and was being nosey trying to get my head round it all. I didn’t/don’t have intentions of meeting but have stayed for my own reasons and looking through the forums periodically.

If he were able to consider an open relationship I think I’d find it a whole lot easier"

Fair enough and it is some companionship during all this lockdown business for the past year especially if you are having issues in your relationship.

Suppose nobody can decide but you, though if he is cheating on you (bi or not) then you have to decide whether you want to stay with him anyway if you can’t trust him.

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