FabSwingers.com forum: Time for another update. It’s been 6 weeks since the last one.

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Okay so since I last wrote about my situation where I’d turned up at that guys house at 5am things have just got progressively worse.

Following that I worked with him Saturday to Monday. Saturday I went home early cos he blanked me in work which upset me, Sunday I went home early again cos he was still off with me. Monday I almost didn’t go in but I did and he was being nice to me again, even went home with him after work and yeah I slept with him.

Before everyone says how stupid I am can I just remind you that as of today I’m 6 weeks into my weekly counselling sessions and so far we’ve established that I have anxious attachment and disorganised attachment, I have zero boundaries, CBT counselling isn’t working on me because I have the logic to know that any bad decision I make will just make the situation worse but I am physically/mentally unable to stop myself from doing stupid/crazy shit so comments like I should just walk away from him or anything similar, they’re just pointless. If a trained psychologist can’t reason with me, you lot aren’t going to be able to do it. I need to switch to humanistic and person centred therapy and possibly go down the medication route which I don’t want to do. So I’m mentally unwell ok, consider that when responding

Okay, so I’ll go back again slightly and talk about in work.

Things were fine again, he would come over to me during shift (a lot) we would go home together after work 4x a week.

That lasted for about 3 weeks. Now in work if guys came to speak to me at my station or on break he would basically piss on me to mark his territory yet he would speak to girls when they went over to him. It was like no guys could speak to me yet he was okay to talk to other girls in work, he would tell me that in work we don’t know each other. I felt that was a bit shit like he was ashamed of me kind of thing. Anyway this one girl in particular is constantly around him, she’ll go over to where he was working and he would happily engage in conversation whereas if I did he would carry on working and being busy, just basically wouldn’t engage like he did with her. It sounds petty I know but it’s just a feeling I was having, you know when someone is acting uninterested versus when they look enthusiastic to speak to someone. This was around about the time I accepted a friend request on Facebook off a guy in work, when I saw his page I noticed he was friends with this guy. Now this guy had told me from the start he didn’t have any social media so I was thinking why bloody lie to me about having social media when he does and is very active on it too and all his shit is public. So I looked through all his shit (I know this is childish and pathetic but I did) saw that this girl in work was friends with him and liking all his posts and shit so I was like okay, he lied to me about having Facebook yet is friends with this girl in work. That’s enough then to send my mind spinning and it’s all downhill from there, I look at patterns of behaviour, make stuff up in my head, look at what’s going on around me. My thought process was like this, okay so in the beginning he was happy to speak to me all the time, sit with me on breaks, come over to my station, enthusiastically engage with me if I went over to him, now he barely speaks to me in work we just go home together. But he sits next to this girl on breaks, talks to her all the time when she goes over to him, friends with her on Facebook yet lies to me and said he doesn’t have one. All this shit was just making me feel jealous and unsettled. I even said to him you talk to her all the time but ignore me in work. He just said what am I supposed to do when she goes over to him, I said well just carry on with your work like you do when I go over to you.

Anyway all that is just bollocks but just letting you know how my mind was working.

Get to the most recent stuff, Saturday 13th of March was the last time I went home with him. We were fine, went back there after work so early hours Sunday. Sunday in work we were good. I had to give my friend a lift home so I didn’t go back with this guy and then Monday 10 minutes before starting work he texts me saying he needs to be alone. I rang him and was like what’s going on now and he said he’d speak to me on break. So I waited 4 hours till break to speak to him. I was in my car in the car park, he texts me saying we don’t need to speak. I actually went up to him in work then and said I wanna know what’s happened, like we’d literally had sex the night before and now he’s saying he doesn’t want to see me again. He was like okay on break so I said ok. Then when we were due to go on the last break they gave out early finishes the same time. This was my last shift of the week for 4 days so I said shall I give you a lift home so we can talk and he was like no we don’t need to speak.

I just felt like I needed an explanation or a reason how we went from having sex the night before to this. He was just shutting me down and not letting me speak. I was getting more and more frustrated. We ended up having a massive argument in the middle of the warehouse, he was actually shouting to leave him alone and I was pleading with him to just speak to me. Fuck even writing this is hard. I should have just walked off and said fuck this but I physically couldn’t do it. I knew I was making things 100 times worse and making myself look like a fool in the process but still couldn’t stop myself. I did then go to my car and drove home. Remember having my music on really loud and I actually screamed in the car. Felt like the saddest loneliest person in the world at that moment.

Logically I was thinking why am I so bothered about a 23 year old guy who doesn’t drive or have a car, doesn’t even have a licence, lives like a student in a shared house, smokes way too much to the point where he’s coughing up blood, has zero respect for me, messes with my emotions, doesn’t even want me in the first place, lied to me about multiple things, like his age and having no social media, I know he isn’t the right person for me but the very act of being rejected makes me feel like there’s a truck parked on my chest, a constant unsettled feeling, no motivation to do even basic tasks such as dishes or brushing my hair or hoovering. I fucking analyse every single thing over and over and just feel overwhelmingly sad.

The last 2 weeks in work have been the worst.

It’s unnatural to have to be around someone when something has ended. I’ve been finding that on my days off I’m reasonably okay but then working with this dude for 40 hours a week has been very hard. On a 10 hour shift he’s less than 6ft away from me. I see him for a 10 hours each night and he looks at me like I’m nothing. I see him talking to that other girl and that led to what happened last Monday.

Bare in mind he’d been saying to me that we will meet and talk but then never does, the Thursday before this happened he’d told me that on our night off we could go for a coffee to talk and he would explain what happened. On the Thursday night I messaged saying you wanna grab that coffee then and he said he’s not home he’s gone to Bristol last minute with friends.

Then I had another 30 hours of him being so close to me in work yet ignoring me by the time Monday came I was ready to blow.

I was upstairs in the toilets doing my hair just before shift started and that girl (who he is always talking to) came in and was next to me at the mirror. I couldn’t stop myself I said what’s going on with you and ***** then and she was like nothing, he asked me about 2 months ago to go for a walk with him but she hasn’t been yet. I was thinking nice, we were good 2 months ago. So my gut feeling had been confirmed about this bird even though he said he wasn’t interested in her.

Got downstairs and she had logged in to my station next to my friend and right by where he was working, now she never works there and I just lost my shit. Just kicked off completely I don’t want to go into detail but it was bad. I started crying then and just left the floor. I spoke to senior management and they said I could go home, without naming the individuals I just said I had an issue with someone and I want to switch departments which they’ve accommodated so as of Friday just gone I’m in a completely separate area to where he is and this girl. I have earlier start times and finish times and I have separate breaks so I don’t have to see him at all. I should have done this weeks ago or even months ago from the time when he first fucked me around but I can’t dwell on what’s done.

Until I can actually find a completely new job, switching departments so I’m completely separate to him with different breaks and finish times is the best I can do.

So that’s where I am.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Be kind to yourself OP.

I hope you find some sort of comfort soon

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You made some positive steps, Annie, thats a great start to freedom from old thinking, old habits and what doesn't improve your health. All the best.

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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago

Gapping Fanny

The first step in dealing with issues is knowing and accepting you have one.

The simple matter than you are doing counselling, and appreciate that logic is not always straight forward should hopefully allow you to progress with the right support.

Never be hard or down on yourself, even if you do things that you know or later realise are not so helpful in reaching your end goal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's good you're recognising what does and doesn't help for you in terms of therapy. I hope you find something that helps, you deserve to be happy x

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By *hilloutMan
over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

To be brutally frank, you shouldn't entertain the notion of a relationship with anyone, much less sleep with anyone until you've dealt with your considerable issues. Even if you were to meet someone genuine and decent, your personal issues would sabotage any long term happiness and make the relation toxic.

Hats off for recognising you have problems and are doing something about addressing them. Best of luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Okay so since I last wrote about my situation where I’d turned up at that guys house at 5am things have just got progressively worse.

Hello Annie. I’m new and I don’t know the issues before this thread. I haven’t read more than the first paragraph where you’ve talked about the diagnosis following your counselling sessions to date.

This is really helpful as I know of someone who appears to have very many of the traits and symptoms you have mentioned about yourself. It’s such an eye opener for me and I now have a better understanding of the issues. I think it’s important that person gets some counselling and shall be advising them so accordingly.

Thanks very much for this and I hope it gives you some comfort knowing that you have helped others by opening up this way.

I wish you well with this issue and hope your counselling continues to help you.

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

Do we get bonus points for reading it all!

Sorry. I apologise.

I’m making light of a serious situation in your life.

You can’t undo the past, and you’ve acknowledged the things you know you should have done but just physically couldn’t bring yourself to do.

Now you are removed from having to work right next to him and the opportunity to put some space between you and the situation, all you can do is move forward.

Together with whatever you and your councillor decide is the best for you, I hope it’s a positive future.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

It sounds like you've done something positive in putting some space between the two of you. I'm sorry you've had a tough time.

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By *imi_RougeWoman
over a year ago

Portsmouth

Sending you a massive hug!

It's always hard being rejected, but you've taken some really good steps to remove yourself from a toxic situation/environment.

Now you just have to stick with it. Stonewall him, don't engage, delete anything and block him from every platform.

Xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

honestly i couldn’t read it all , i got as far as where huggybear has quoted and thought ok so you have already said nobody’s advice will make a difference , its something you have already learned through your counselling so why even bother posting all the sordid details in the first place when there is nothing but judgement to be gained from it

have you discussed the need for internet validation with your therapist, because it seems like another toxic behaviour that will derail your progress if i am honest

wish you all the best with your therapy

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By *hrista BellendWoman
over a year ago

surrounded by twinkly lights

Good luck in your Journey Annie

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By *tephanjMan
over a year ago

Kettering

I hope you are able to move on. Good luck to you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You’ve taken a really positive step, by removing yourself from the situation, so be proud of yourself. Celebrate every small victory.

Keep going with it. Good luck

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

It's good that you have taken yourself away from that situation. That guy is a while bunch of red flags and while I understand you have attachment issues and want him to talk to you, sometimes you just have to accept that some people are dicks of the highest order.

It sounds as if he is definitely not right for you. He played too many mind games with you because he knew he could. Block his number, block him on Facebook, ignore him. He is literally nothing to you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I just don’t understand how emotions can be so powerful and I wonder if other people feel things as strongly as I do.

Also don’t understand myself at all. Like I can be so tough to the point I’m aggressive, I’m not frightened of anyone and my friends would be the first people to say that I don’t take any shit and in the very distant past I would be the first person to jump into a physical fight like in school or nights out when squabbles used to happen. I don’t shy away from any type of confrontation but then this other side of me where I’m literally screaming hysterical and crying and feel so hurt and vulnerable and like you knock me over with a feather.

Also don’t understand how people can be so cold. Like if someone was crying to me and saying please can you just talk to me I could never be like no leave me alone we don’t need to speak.

Agree totally that I need to stay single and not even be in the messaging stages with another guy. I’m not mentally equipped for it at the moment.

I was fine before this guy, if brushed myself off from the last guy I had dealings with the previous year. I thought this guy was safe and not able to hurt me, thought he was just a young guy who had a bit of a crush on me and was grafting pretty hard to get me to spend time with me.

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By *risrugbyfanMan
over a year ago

yate

Dont beat yourself up op ,your doing well and will take awhile.

Def sounds like you need to change therapy /therapist.

I feel you need to block him on social media and any friends that link you both .Also block his number on your phone .

If have to see him at work be professional and that's it .

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Okay so since I last wrote about my situation where I’d turned up at that guys house at 5am things have just got progressively worse.

Thanks very much for this and I hope it gives you some comfort knowing that you have helped others by opening up this way.

I wish you well with this issue and hope your counselling continues to help you."

Now this makes me happy!

If anything I write helps another person and stops them from feeling any hurt at all then all the shit I’ve gone through was worth it.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

"I just don’t understand how emotions can be so powerful and I wonder if other people feel things as strongly as I do.

Also don’t understand how people can be so cold. Like if someone was crying to me and saying please can you just talk to me I could never be like no leave me alone we don’t need to speak.

Agree totally that I need to stay single and not even be in the messaging stages with another guy. I’m not mentally equipped for it at the moment.

It's nice to feel wanted by a younger guy, the thrill of seeing someone you work with, the flattery of him working hard to get you.

You let down your barriers which is why it's affecting you more. Don't be so hard on yourself x

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By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

Sounds like you made some positive steps. Especially getting work and counselling sorted.

May have been a bit of a train wreck to get you there. But you are on your way.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Okay so since I last wrote about my situation where I’d turned up at that guys house at 5am things have just got progressively worse.

Thanks very much for this and I hope it gives you some comfort knowing that you have helped others by opening up this way.

I wish you well with this issue and hope your counselling continues to help you.

Now this makes me happy!

If anything I write helps another person and stops them from feeling any hurt at all then all the shit I’ve gone through was worth it. "

It has helped. My friend appears to spiral to a worse state and desperation with each rejection from the object of her desire. I was at a loss to know what to do for her. I’m very sorry you’re going through this as it’s very distressing for me to even see my friend in this state let alone imagine what it must be like to feel the sense of loss of control.

All my best wishes for you but you certainly seem to be taking a giant leap in the right direction by removing yourself from daily contact with him, however inadvertently.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hi Annie, as others have said, you are making positive changes.

It's good that you are having councilling, this won't be a quick fix, and whilst you aren't keen on the medication route, don't equally rule it out, even if you try it for 6/8 months?

Great that you're now working a different shift/team, so you should be proud of yourself for doing this.

Do you think you're able to stay away from Facebook for awhile as well? You know it's not healthy, and the cogs in your head will just keep on turning.

We all feel very flattered when someone gives us attention, but you're worth so much more than that lovely, you know he's not good for you, let alone deserves you.

Be kind to yourself, you will get through this xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You've taken the first steps in recognising how toxic he is by removing yourself. Well done, now take time for you, he's not worthy of your time or emotion

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

All my best wishes for you but you certainly seem to be taking a giant leap in the right direction by removing yourself from daily contact with him, however inadvertently."

I can relate to this. My good male friend Ben can’t understand how I’m not getting tougher or more thick skinned after being rejected by a guy but it’s not in my nature or personality to be cold.

Each time I’m rejected I feel like part of my soul gets taken. Like I try and rebuild my self worth and self esteem but when I experience any type of rejection they take more of my self worth and it doesn’t come back.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All my best wishes for you but you certainly seem to be taking a giant leap in the right direction by removing yourself from daily contact with him, however inadvertently.

Atm you are in the middle of the storm. Everything is too recent and painful. You need to give yourself time and distance. Think of it like a death in the family. You need to let the grieving process do its thing.

You might be tempted to do a rebound or something to fill the void that you feel because of the rejection. But that's not going to help you. Time and distance and then you can start to find yourself again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You deffiently deserve to be treated a lot better than how this guy is treating you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was in therapy when we started swinging. It was an emotional rollercoaster that sickened my soul. My heart got broken and i couldnt share that with my wife. So I pin balled around and the pain just got worse and worse. Eventually the only thing that helped was to pause, deal with the underlying issues I had and then go back to swinging. And even at that it wasnt the same. The bruise might not be visible but it's just under the surface

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All my best wishes for you but you certainly seem to be taking a giant leap in the right direction by removing yourself from daily contact with him, however inadvertently.

That sounds like her. She wants to cling on despite seeing that it’s utterly hopeless and the other party has clearly moved on. That seems to make it even worse. I don’t expect her to get tougher but it’s hard to know how to soothe her desperation and the destruction of her self worth. I will certainly get her to some therapy urgently, thanks to your thread.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

Is this a dig because I don’t see how it’s relevant to my situation?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

All my best wishes for you but you certainly seem to be taking a giant leap in the right direction by removing yourself from daily contact with him, however inadvertently.

Definitely get her to seek therapy. I’ve had to do it privately as I’m still waiting to be referred via my GP and this was back in 2019.

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
over a year ago

North East Scotland, mostly

Annie I am really pleased to see you are taking steps to understand yourself better. It sounds like it's been a very difficult journey for you. I hope it helps you to find some answers.

Mrs kf x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That's really not helpful.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Hello Annie, I read your post and it sounds like you’re starting to take control of the situation. Which is good.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You are absolutely right, it is a disorder. However, it’s the incorrect diagnosis here. I can attest to the fact that this is very similar to what I’ve seen my friend going through and it is certainly not based on narcissism.

Whatever some people may want to post negatively, I thank the OP for the thread as

I now know what to do next.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All my best wishes for you but you certainly seem to be taking a giant leap in the right direction by removing yourself from daily contact with him, however inadvertently.

Definitely get her to seek therapy. I’ve had to do it privately as I’m still waiting to be referred via my GP and this was back in 2019. "

Thanks, I shall. I’ve looked up a few and shall be get her to contact them tomorrow.

I hope it helps you feel less alone in this knowing there are others. I love my friend dearly and it’s horrid watching her anguish and not really understanding it myself.

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By *orthern StarsCouple
over a year ago

Durham

Well done Annie in taking some control in the situation.

The most important person in your life is you. You deserve happiness, and you will find it, in time. You are worth so much more than the idiots that mess with your head.

Keep moving forwards. You can do this.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

https://youtu.be/H9B5mYfBPlY

I stumbled upon this a few days ago. It made an awful lot of sense to me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Annie, you're gorgeous (I've got a secret crush on you...not so secret now), you're funny and you sound like a genuinely good hearted person. This silly boy (that's how he is behaving) is just that, a boy. He sounds immature and sounds like he's controlling you with his actions. Good riddance to bad rubbish. You deserve much better. He'll continued his games if you let him. Use this opportunity of moving your area as an opportunity to moving in from him. He's not worth your tears. Feel free to PM if you'd like a chat x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I appreciate the feel free to private message offers on here and in my mailbox but I only really want to discuss things via the forums because although the intent may be innocent I’m learning how to have boundaries and don’t want to talk to people one on one (unless they’re female).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I appreciate the feel free to private message offers on here and in my mailbox but I only really want to discuss things via the forums because although the intent may be innocent I’m learning how to have boundaries and don’t want to talk to people one on one (unless they’re female).

That’s a really tough step to take, I know, so good for you

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I had another session this morning and she knows everything and I mean everything from the start when I knew him to present day and she said my gut feeling about him I had his card marked months ago and I should have stopped it then but we are working on my ability to have boundaries and just have the self worth to not accept any kind of mistreatment.

Like even as simple as when he used to say at work we don’t know each other but was happy for me to go home with him yet he would speak to other girls in work.

Like someone with healthy respect for themselves would be like right you act like you don’t know me fine then don’t know me.

I just want to get to that place.

It’s very hard when it all links back to your childhood. Like the primary care givers that were male like my step dad it’s like one day he battered me and a few days later it’s taking my clothes shopping to make up for it and I’ve kind of been hard wired to fit into the males lives that were around me in my childhood.

It’s just mad the damage that can be done and I just implore everyone to really make an effort and be conscious of their actions with their children.

I wish I could do my childhood again but knowing what I know now.

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By *elethWoman
over a year ago

Gloucestershire

"I had another session this morning and she knows everything and I mean everything from the start when I knew him to present day and she said my gut feeling about him I had his card marked months ago and I should have stopped it then but we are working on my ability to have boundaries and just have the self worth to not accept any kind of mistreatment.

Like even as simple as when he used to say at work we don’t know each other but was happy for me to go home with him yet he would speak to other girls in work.

Like someone with healthy respect for themselves would be like right you act like you don’t know me fine then don’t know me.

I just want to get to that place.

It’s just mad the damage that can be done and I just implore everyone to really make an effort and be conscious of their actions with their children.

I wish I could do my childhood again but knowing what I know now. "

Annie you're an inspiration. Congratulations on beginning the work to reparent yourself, I have so much respect for you. I wish you much love and success on your journey.

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