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16 things that never happened on Star Trek

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By *exysoul888 OP   TV/TS
over a year ago

Newcastle

1. When informed of a crew dispute in the swimming pool on the deck below, Spock says: "It's like a bridge over troubled water," and falls about laughing.

2. Uhura puts the Klingons on hold listening to Greensleeves for 10 minutes, causing them to destroy the Enterprise in sheer frustration.

3. Mr Scott's pessimistic estimate of only being able to manage 30mph by the middle of next week turns out to be accurate, and the Enterprise is toast.

4. Starfleet remove red jumpers from the uniform code, after which the mortality rate of senior crew members on away missions increases dramatically.

5. Phaser gets long overdue development to supplement 'stun' and 'kill' options with 'a bit winded', 'kneed groin', 'speeded-up Benny Hill-style running about', 'morning-after-bad-curry' and 'drag queen.'

6. Picard puts up signs on the Bridge and Holodeck reading: "No running, pushing, bombing or heavy petting."

7. Kirk discovers that when peering into his little viewer, Spock is actually just playing Minesweeper and Tetris.

8. During a major space battle, the Enterprise shields remain intact, no wiring comes loose from the ceiling, and no sudden but containable fires break out.

9. For a laugh on April Fools Day, Worf plays a tape of an incoming Borg vessel on the main viewer, causing everyone else to abandon ship.

10. Having made the exciting discovery of a brand new lifeform, the crew is disappointed to find out that it is, in fact, an entirely familiar lifeform wearing a funny hat.

11. There's a bizarre time-warp incident that has nothing whatsoever to do with the 20th century.

12. Electrocutions from malfunctioning Bridge panels are banished forever when some resourceful Engineering bod takes it upon himself to install fuses.

13. Captured by a hostile and apparently invulnerable alien race, the crew manage to bribe their way out with sweets.

14. Doors on all Federation starships inexplicably stop going 'pssht', which forces Starfleet to order all crew members to make the noise with their mouths.

15. In one unprecedented day on the Enterprise, Mr Scott fails to mention the laws of physics, Dr McCoy avoids going all wild-eyed and melodramatic, Mr Spock's eyebrow remains unraised, and Captain Kirk avoids snogging the new female arrival, while also keeping his shirt on and untorn

16. A passing spaceship caused grit to be cast back, chipping the Enterprise's windscreen.

Feel free to add more!

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

One of the guys in a red Jersey decides to change it for a blue one before beaming down to the surface of the planet.

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By *tephanjMan
over a year ago

Kettering

The words Scotty beam me up were never used

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Geordie had to change the battery in his visor at the wrong moment and crashed the enterprise into a moon

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Data crashed and display windows blue screen of death

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Kirk sat on the captains chair only to find spock had hidden a woopie cushion under the seat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No one ever walked up to a sliding door and made a wheesh noise as it opened like every one of us had at some point in our lives.

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By *ljamMan
over a year ago

Edinburgh

No one ever mentioned holo-deck porn, and we all know there would be so much holo-deck porn.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

Phasers were set to “kiss your ass goodbye” rather than “stun”

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By *hilledGuerillaMan
over a year ago

In the monkey house

Captain Kirk encounters an alien race and doesn’t try to shag the first female of that species that he sees.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Or is hunted down by a gang of pissed off alien husband's

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By *edVelveteenCouple
over a year ago

Heaven in the Midlands

Haha. Very good.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Kirk never said "Only going forward, 'cos we can't find reverse".

Nor were lasers ever set to 'print'

Who wants to eat at the Captain's table tonight?

Star Wars is a great film

I miss sprouts on the menu

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough


"Or is hunted down by a gang of pissed off alien husband's "

Time travelling aliens track him down, shouting "Daddy, dear Daddy!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Enterprise was on hire.

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By *uyfrombristolMan
over a year ago

Bristol


"Kirk never said "Only going forward, 'cos we can't find reverse".

Nor were lasers ever set to 'print'

Who wants to eat at the Captain's table tonight?

Star Wars is a great film

I miss sprouts on the menu"

Proper Trek nerd here who just has to say they're phasers, not lasers. I'm not proud...

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By *arakiss12TV/TS
over a year ago

Bedford

They never watch porn on the big tv screen.....or did they?

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend


"They never watch porn on the big tv screen.....or did they?

"

Debbie does the alpha quadrant

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

The si snootles band does a gig in the canteen

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By *hilledGuerillaMan
over a year ago

In the monkey house

“Captains log, star date 41173.5. Need a tape measure, this ones massive”.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

(Dr) Bones cracking a smile.

Scottie saying “she can take it Captain, push her to her limits, nae problem”

Spock saying “I don’t know”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"No one ever mentioned holo-deck porn, and we all know there would be so much holo-deck porn."

I want the episode where a low ranking maintenance man has to clean all the jis off the holo walls and floors after a heavy holo party night.

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By *den-Valley-coupleCouple
over a year ago

Cumbria

Female or male character g********* by a bunch of aliens..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"No one ever mentioned holo-deck porn, and we all know there would be so much holo-deck porn."

Not sure about that. Quarks holodecks in DS9 or were they more for phsycial services

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Anal probe squad report to the transporter room

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By *hamCouple30Couple
over a year ago

Birmingham

They never realised the program was boring and stopped making it after the first series.

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By *elethWoman
over a year ago

Gloucestershire


"They never watch porn on the big tv screen.....or did they?

Debbie does the alpha quadrant "

Brilliant! These are fantastic!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is my favourite thread ever

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"No one ever walked up to a sliding door and made a wheesh noise as it opened like every one of us had at some point in our lives. "

And the bionic man sound when running.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The words Scotty beam me up were never used "

Nooooooo

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By *eigh guyMan
over a year ago

wigan

A virus jumps from tribbles and wipes out all red topped crew who are awaiting vaccine

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By *ister_ee_1981Man
over a year ago

Sunniest Exeter...


"No one ever mentioned holo-deck porn, and we all know there would be so much holo-deck porn.

Not sure about that. Quarks holodecks in DS9 or were they more for phsycial services "

This, and Voyager made a recreation of Tuvok's wife so the Vulcan's Pon'farr could be completed

Signed, A Star Trek nerd. (and I know the thread was things that didn't happen, so apologies if they are due)

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By *ister_ee_1981Man
over a year ago

Sunniest Exeter...

Apologies in advance...comment not to be taken seriously...

Star Trek Voyager.

70,000 light years from home... Captained by a woman...

Coincidence?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"They never realised the program was boring and stopped making it after the first series. "

Take that back, unbeliever!

(Although they can bin Discovery. I wouldn't miss that)

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By *wlmanMan
over a year ago

Rugby

Tribbles never appeared on the lunch menu.

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By *iscreet-is-paramountMan
over a year ago

travel around a lot.

Patrick Stewart found in sick bay up to his plumbs in that doctor woman.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Kirk never said "Only going forward, 'cos we can't find reverse".

Nor were lasers ever set to 'print'

Who wants to eat at the Captain's table tonight?

Star Wars is a great film

I miss sprouts on the menu

Proper Trek nerd here who just has to say they're phasers, not lasers. I'm not proud..."

Whooooooosh

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By *moothdickMan
over a year ago

stoke

They never went through a Mac Donald’s drive through

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By *hunky GentMan
over a year ago

Maldon and Peterborough

No lightsaber fights.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When various captains said "reverse course" you never saw the reversing lights come on or heard the beeper.

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By *akedduo66Couple
over a year ago

Near Bordon


"Apologies in advance...comment not to be taken seriously...

Star Trek Voyager.

70,000 light years from home... Captained by a woman...

Coincidence?

"

You forgot to mention that they were lost..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No-one ever requests Marmite from the replicator, presumably due to either a built-in safety feature or humanity developing to a state where no-one wants to eat dark brown congealed hatred.

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By *hunky GentMan
over a year ago

Maldon and Peterborough

[Removed by poster at 30/03/21 12:59:39]

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By *hunky GentMan
over a year ago

Maldon and Peterborough


"No-one ever requests Marmite from the replicator, presumably due to either a built-in safety feature or humanity developing to a state where no-one wants to eat dark brown congealed hatred."

They had to ban it - apparently it sexually arouses Klingons.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

To boldy go where no man's gone before...apart from captain archer twenty or so years previously

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By *akedduo66Couple
over a year ago

Near Bordon


"To boldy go where no man's gone before...apart from captain archer twenty or so years previously "

Maybe we've misheard all these years and what's actually said is "To boldly go where Norman has gone before"

Was Captain Archer's Christian name Norman?.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Someone uses a toilet

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By *exysoul888 OP   TV/TS
over a year ago

Newcastle


"This is my favourite thread ever "

One does one's best!

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By *exysoul888 OP   TV/TS
over a year ago

Newcastle

the crew mutiny over the uniforms, which are too... flattering....

Will Riker is outed by the #MeToo movement

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend


"To boldy go where no man's gone before...apart from captain archer twenty or so years previously

Maybe we've misheard all these years and what's actually said is "To boldly go where Norman has gone before"

Was Captain Archer's Christian name Norman?.

"
we've all heard of Norman archers

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Then there's to baldly go where Kirk went twenty years before.

And to boldly stay in one place on a space station... crossroads in space...then eventually

To boldly try to get back to where we came from

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Seven of nine goes flat because she forgets to regenerate

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Oo captain Janeway... there's a wormhole that can get us back to earth

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By *rightonfranceMan
over a year ago

brighton - chalais france

Deanna troi finally gets to wear uniform rather than camel toe leotards and stops whining..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The turbo lifts are out of order and everyone has to use the stairs

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Autoglass never replaced the windscreen.

They never need latino cleaning ladies either.

Spock doing the dishes

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By *hilledGuerillaMan
over a year ago

In the monkey house

The Klingons do dry January.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

The toaster sets off the fire alarm.

Klingon recite Kirk's poetry.

Scotty grazes his knuckles on the powerplant ans swears on American TV.

Bones says "You'll need to book an appointment tomorrow morning."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Scott gets replaced and the engines never fail again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Checkov and sulu get caught in a 69 in one of the power conduits

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The federation refused to rebuild the enterprise for kirk after the 3Rd time leaving them all out of work

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The self destruct password got corrupted and they couldn't turn it off killing them all

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By *rder66Man
over a year ago

Tatooine

In the next generation the holo deck worked 100%

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By *ny1localMan
over a year ago

READING

7of9 asks 'how do I get out of this uniform when I need the loo'?

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By *exysoul888 OP   TV/TS
over a year ago

Newcastle

Picard forgets the self destruct password, so has a reset link sent to his communicator

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

Uhuru's earrings picked up Capital Radio and played the top 10.

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By *rder66Man
over a year ago

Tatooine

Picard get caught looking at porn on his screen in the readyroom

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

The Daleks couldn't get in on the gig cos the stars were too steep

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

Spock farts in Bones' face and laughs out loud.

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