FabSwingers.com forum: Unpopular opinion and thoughts on the scenario please

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

Wanting people to get their uncomfortable pants on here and say something that many may disagree with,

Mine is on the subject of “cheaters”

They ain’t all bad, there is such a huge list of reasons why people do this. A mate of mine is currently staying with me after being found out and I Initially gave him an earful. However after listening to his story it kind of made sense, he loves his wife and child, they literally argue about nothing other than sex! She hasn’t been very accommodating when it comes to his needs. Hold on Girls before you lynch me!!

He’s a good lad, works hard does housework, very involved with the kids day to day routines etc. But she doesn’t have sex with him, his words are it happens la once or twice every few months. ( this has been confirmed by his wife who was first a friend of mine before I knew him) she didn’t seem to have any reason other than she just didn’t want to.

His reasoning was he doesn’t want to lose his family and is happy with everything else but is unhappy at the lack of sex, not ready to give up at the age of 36 settle into sexless relationship. They have spoken at length on more than one occasion and this never seems to change. Been together 10 years and married 5. He thought if he got it elsewhere then it would work! We are talking just physical aspects so no full blown second family type affairs so to speak!

Made me think that makes sense and cheating Sometimes misunderstood?

Penny for your thoughts or unpopular opinions please.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

waiting for the worms..

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"waiting for the worms..

Px "

The worms? I’m very confused and also strangely terrified by this comment lol

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I enjoy football more without the fans

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I understand why some people do it... Tho I will never agree with it morally.

I've been the woman at home being cheated on. And I've been the other woman. Neither feels nice.

If you're unhappy, leave. Don't betray someone you claim to love.

I could never betray J's trust like that. It's not the sex that hurts, it's the behind your back part.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Wanting people to get their uncomfortable pants on here and say something that many may disagree with,

Mine is on the subject of “cheaters”

Made me think that makes sense and cheating Sometimes misunderstood?

Penny for your thoughts or unpopular opinions please. "

Thats a tricky enough one

On one hand if sex is the only issue there having then he has it better than a lot of people in relationships

Did he perhaps discuss what he could do to get her in the mood?

Did he perhaps consider asking his wife about getting it somewhere else? I know some people are into the whole open relationship.

Personally as I said he has it better than a lot and he Well and truly fucked it up

He didn't use the old classic line "one thing led to another"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"I enjoy football more without the fans "

Controversial, can I ask why

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"I understand why some people do it... Tho I will never agree with it morally.

I've been the woman at home being cheated on. And I've been the other woman. Neither feels nice.

If you're unhappy, leave. Don't betray someone you claim to love.

I could never betray J's trust like that. It's not the sex that hurts, it's the behind your back part.

I get that but also the fact there’s still love and he doesn’t want to leave his family and child seems to make sense to me!

Suppose the idea of open marriage could have been suggested !

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

All men are not chauvinists.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An interesting idea, as is on another thread, is why not discuss an open marriage?

The issue with these threads are that every case is different for why people cheat.

People who have been hurt by cheating will come at you with vigour.

People who cheat will stick to their views.

It is rare that someone will really listen or try to understand each other.

It’s a sticky one.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"Wanting people to get their uncomfortable pants on here and say something that many may disagree with,

Mine is on the subject of “cheaters”

Made me think that makes sense and cheating Sometimes misunderstood?

Penny for your thoughts or unpopular opinions please.

Thats a tricky enough one

On one hand if sex is the only issue there having then he has it better than a lot of people in relationships

Did he perhaps discuss what he could do to get her in the mood?

Did he perhaps consider asking his wife about getting it somewhere else? I know some people are into the whole open relationship.

Personally as I said he has it better than a lot and he Well and truly fucked it up

He didn't use the old classic line "one thing led to another"

No he’s been brutally honest and explained exactly why and accepted he’d allowed it to happen and partially pursued it for reasons already stated. He has already had many talks relating to this stuff. Where initially she said she was just tired or not in the mood! Said he started to feel like a best friend rather than a husband! The open thing he didn’t mention as he felt she’d have said no anyways! Cor maybe could tried that one before all this

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I understand why some people do it... Tho I will never agree with it morally.

I've been the woman at home being cheated on. And I've been the other woman. Neither feels nice.

If you're unhappy, leave. Don't betray someone you claim to love.

I could never betray J's trust like that. It's not the sex that hurts, it's the behind your back part.

I get that but also the fact there’s still love and he doesn’t want to leave his family and child seems to make sense to me!

Suppose the idea of open marriage could have been suggested ! "

Love isn't enough to stop him betraying her trust.

It could have...but it wasn't. He cheated. He lied to her, went behind het back. She probably feels like shit! Why should she have sex if she doesn't want to? If he's unhappy, he should've left. Not fucked her world up aswell as his own.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"All men are not chauvinists.

Fair enough, guess it depends on who you met in your life.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rder66Man
over a year ago

Tatooine

"Wanting people to get their uncomfortable pants on here and say something that many may disagree with,

Mine is on the subject of “cheaters”

Made me think that makes sense and cheating Sometimes misunderstood?

Penny for your thoughts or unpopular opinions please. "
It's not having sex with other women which is the issue, if they gave talked about it and she is aware and ok with him seeking sex somewhere else, the issue would be if he is lying to her.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

"An interesting idea, as is on another thread, is why not discuss an open marriage?

The issue with these threads are that every case is different for why people cheat.

People who have been hurt by cheating will come at you with vigour.

People who cheat will stick to their views.

It is rare that someone will really listen or try to understand each other.

It’s a sticky one. "

Women don't want an open marriage. They want all the home comforts and security from a husband. Once they have that they shut up shop.

I know many women who can't be arsed with sex once they are married or settled down with someone.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"I understand why some people do it... Tho I will never agree with it morally.

I've been the woman at home being cheated on. And I've been the other woman. Neither feels nice.

If you're unhappy, leave. Don't betray someone you claim to love.

I could never betray J's trust like that. It's not the sex that hurts, it's the behind your back part.

I get that but also the fact there’s still love and he doesn’t want to leave his family and child seems to make sense to me!

Suppose the idea of open marriage could have been suggested !

Love isn't enough to stop him betraying her trust.

Understood but I don’t think it’s that simple, he knows he’s done wrong and is sorry! He knows the trust has been betrayed.

At the same time he wrestled with it for a while, the issue is that he isn’t unhappy other than the lack of a physical relationship. Plus there’s children involved so he’s not wanted to walk away from that! And he does still love her

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Wanting people to get their uncomfortable pants on here and say something that many may disagree with,

Mine is on the subject of “cheaters”

Made me think that makes sense and cheating Sometimes misunderstood?

Penny for your thoughts or unpopular opinions please. "

Maybe an open frank discussion between the pair of them before he went elsewhere would have helped. Might have led to him going elsewhere with her knowledge rather than behind her back. Going behind her back has possibly hurt her more than the deeds themselves. I dont know the couple obviously these are just my thoughts

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *isstinseltoesWoman
over a year ago

Calderdale innit

I can see both sides,

He shouldn't have to go without, but she shouldn't be made to have sex either.

Couldn't they have compromised and let him have discreet meets?.

That way they may both be happier?.

People who cheat are always risking getting caught and then face the consequences of those actions, which is what's happening to your friend now.

Also all I'd say is, your friend is telling you his side, maybe there is more to it too. We rarely know the full truth about people's lives behind closed doors.

I'd never knowingly meet a cheat, as it can devastate the ones sitting at home, when it comes out.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I understand why some people do it... Tho I will never agree with it morally.

I've been the woman at home being cheated on. And I've been the other woman. Neither feels nice.

If you're unhappy, leave. Don't betray someone you claim to love.

I could never betray J's trust like that. It's not the sex that hurts, it's the behind your back part.

I get that but also the fact there’s still love and he doesn’t want to leave his family and child seems to make sense to me!

Suppose the idea of open marriage could have been suggested !

Love isn't enough to stop him betraying her trust.

Understood but I don’t think it’s that simple, he knows he’s done wrong and is sorry! He knows the trust has been betrayed.

Nothing is ever simple.

But in my experience, once you kill the trust, anything that was good dies with it.

Even if she could forgive him, she will never forget. He is a different person to her now.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"An interesting idea, as is on another thread, is why not discuss an open marriage?

The issue with these threads are that every case is different for why people cheat.

People who have been hurt by cheating will come at you with vigour.

People who cheat will stick to their views.

It is rare that someone will really listen or try to understand each other.

It’s a sticky one.

Women don't want an open marriage. They want all the home comforts and security from a husband. Once they have that they shut up shop.

I know many women who can't be arsed with sex once they are married or settled down with someone.

That applies to some women and also some men. It's not always down to having achieved what they wanted and so stop wanting sex....... there are many and varied contributory factors.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"Wanting people to get their uncomfortable pants on here and say something that many may disagree with,

Mine is on the subject of “cheaters”

Made me think that makes sense and cheating Sometimes misunderstood?

Penny for your thoughts or unpopular opinions please. It's not having sex with other women which is the issue, if they gave talked about it and she is aware and ok with him seeking sex somewhere else, the issue would be if he is lying to her. "

She was more than aware of the issues but never thought he’d look elsewhere and did nothing to address the issues.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aunchy RaccoonsCouple
over a year ago

Exeter

Can understand his needs, but what it comes down to is what's more important to him, Family or Sex? He needs to make a decision as both won't work.

Doing the dirty is worse than her refusing him.

Sounds like they need counselling.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ushcrushMan
over a year ago

liverpool

Having been in a similar situation myself the best thing is to communicate with eachother. Obviously talk about it and both try to resolve it whatever it takes. Especially if there is still love in the relationship and kids involved. There could be a million different reasons why she has not wanted sex with him. Communication is key. If its not a medical reason well try discussing fantasies. Some that you would keep as fantasies between you or some you would like to actually try. Again communication and trust is the key to all this.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Women don't want an open marriage. They want all the home comforts and security from a husband. Once they have that they shut up shop.

I know many women who can't be arsed with sex once they are married or settled down with someone.

I mean the other thread shows some people do consider it.

That take on things is a bit deterministic and depressing!!

Thinking of that point though, if a woman had the home comforts, stability and security, wouldn’t that possibly be a factor as to why they wouldn’t mind an open relationship. If it was just seen as fun?

I’ve never thought of that open relationship discussion but it’s interesting.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"I can see both sides,

He shouldn't have to go without, but she shouldn't be made to have sex either.

Couldn't they have compromised and let him have discreet meets?.

That way they may both be happier?.

People who cheat are always risking getting caught and then face the consequences of those actions, which is what's happening to your friend now.

Also all I'd say is, your friend is telling you his side, maybe there is more to it too. We rarely know the full truth about people's lives behind closed doors.

I'd never knowingly meet a cheat, as it can devastate the ones sitting at home, when it comes out. "

She’s a friend too I knew her before him! I’ve spoken to both( feel like bloody unqualified counsellor at the moment) she seems to have confirmed what he’s said and she does feel a bit guilty about her part in this.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For the original post, there are two sides really conflicting with me.

I understand it from his point of view, some of us have been there and intimacy is such an important part of any relationship. Without it, you're right, you are best friends. It can work for some but most would struggle. I know I did.

As for the wife's point of view, I can only see the heartbreak if she ever found out. It's devastating, been there also and once the trust is gone, so is the 'best friend' you had.

More talking maybe, and I mean really open and honest. Saying how he thought about cheating but hadn't. It needs to be made clear how serious it has got.

Without talking, there's nothing xx

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can see both sides,

He shouldn't have to go without, but she shouldn't be made to have sex either.

Couldn't they have compromised and let him have discreet meets?.

That way they may both be happier?.

People who cheat are always risking getting caught and then face the consequences of those actions, which is what's happening to your friend now.

Also all I'd say is, your friend is telling you his side, maybe there is more to it too. We rarely know the full truth about people's lives behind closed doors.

I'd never knowingly meet a cheat, as it can devastate the ones sitting at home, when it comes out.

He chose to cheat. She shouldn't feel guilty for that.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"Having been in a similar situation myself the best thing is to communicate with eachother. Obviously talk about it and both try to resolve it whatever it takes. Especially if there is still love in the relationship and kids involved. There could be a million different reasons why she has not wanted sex with him. Communication is key. If its not a medical reason well try discussing fantasies. Some that you would keep as fantasies between you or some you would like to actually try. Again communication and trust is the key to all this. "

I’ve took the same line with my advice to both parties but they seem to have already talked at length and some short term solutions were found nothing has lasted ?

Maybe the relationship has run its course ( don’t wanna be saying that to anyone though)

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's such a pity there aren't more open relationships for the simple reason...lack of sex...

I do not understand how or why a humane human being can expect another to live a life without sex... It's a very selfish expectation...

If only peeps could be honest and have the `chat` hey Wifey\Hubby you seriously cannot expect me to live a sexless life... I have needs and I'm telling you... not asking you... I want an open relationship so my sexual needs can be met... Go for it Lads & Ladies... No `guilts` then or sneaking around etc... etc... etc...

Best of Luck X

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ushcrushMan
over a year ago

liverpool

Also it helps to separate sex and making love.

Sex is a physical need and desire but making love is the same but with emotions attached.

If you can have both with the same person .... Happy days.

Its still possible to love someone more than anything in the world but not want sex for some reason. If this is the case again alot of communication and understanding is involved on both sides

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh she did find out. I need to read a thread properly

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"She’s a friend too I knew her before him! I’ve spoken to both( feel like bloody unqualified counsellor at the moment) she seems to have confirmed what he’s said and she does feel a bit guilty about her part in this.

He chose to cheat. She shouldn't feel guilty for that. "

Issue is a marriage is reciprocal. She probably shouldn’t feel guilty but most likely she will.

Yes at this point people need counselling and proper exploration of the situation from both sides and the issues involved.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

"An interesting idea, as is on another thread, is why not discuss an open marriage?

The issue with these threads are that every case is different for why people cheat.

People who have been hurt by cheating will come at you with vigour.

People who cheat will stick to their views.

It is rare that someone will really listen or try to understand each other.

It’s a sticky one. "

I've been cheated on before. I found out my ex was seeing another girl for 2 months behind my back that he met on tinder. I went back to monogamy for him because it was what he wanted, never again. It's the lies and secrets that hurt. I'm much happier with open and honest non-monogamy.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"I can see both sides,

He shouldn't have to go without, but she shouldn't be made to have sex either.

Couldn't they have compromised and let him have discreet meets?.

That way they may both be happier?.

People who cheat are always risking getting caught and then face the consequences of those actions, which is what's happening to your friend now.

Also all I'd say is, your friend is telling you his side, maybe there is more to it too. We rarely know the full truth about people's lives behind closed doors.

I'd never knowingly meet a cheat, as it can devastate the ones sitting at home, when it comes out.

He chose to cheat. She shouldn't feel guilty for that. "

She feels guilty because in her words she’s known that by putting him off all the time she’s kind of given him not too many other options to explore. She always knew this was important to him more so than her to some extent.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I enjoy football more without the fans

Controversial, can I ask why "

You can hear the coaches giving instructions and the players

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"It's such a pity there aren't more open relationships for the simple reason...lack of sex...

I do not understand how or why a humane human being can expect another to live a life without sex... It's a very selfish expectation...

Best of Luck X

Think this is the best idea ever but will sadly never be as normal as it should be

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Very hard position to be in but personally i could not do a relationship without sex but also i dont like cheating its really not nice a thing to go through so would of either left or asked for an open relationship

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"Oh she did find out. I need to read a thread properly

Not to worry happens to the best of us! It’s a tricky one because they are both amazing people and an amazing team! With only one problem area of sex!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"I enjoy football more without the fans

Controversial, can I ask why

You can hear the coaches giving instructions and the players "

Now you mention it I like that too.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"Can understand his needs, but what it comes down to is what's more important to him, Family or Sex? He needs to make a decision as both won't work.

Doing the dirty is worse than her refusing him.

Sounds like they need counselling."

Seems like an unfair choice to have to make but agree on the counselling! They have done it before about a year ago maybe they should try again?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *igboyxxxxlMan
over a year ago

here

I’m doing this, I bet there are thousands of us on here doing it. I know I love her and my family and I know I dont want to leave that but I don’t want to live without sex either, so ultimately I should choose one or the other and it’s selfish of me to want the best of both.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

These sorts of tales are very common regarding reasons for cheating.

There are always shades of grey in any situation and it’s very easy for folks to sit in judgement without understanding or walking a mile in someone’s shoes.

But people do love a good moral high horse!

In this situation of your friend, I’m not sure that his circumstances warrant or justify cheating and there is a huge amount that we’re not getting from her side; why she doesn’t want sex, what happened in the relationship, etc, which might well be down to the guy.

Ultimately in my opinion your friend was wrong. If you feel that cheating is the course of action, then you’re only going to hurt people. Making a break or communicating needs without pressure are the options, not deception.

If you claim to love someone, you don’t hurt them

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"I can see both sides,

He shouldn't have to go without, but she shouldn't be made to have sex either.

Couldn't they have compromised and let him have discreet meets?.

That way they may both be happier?.

People who cheat are always risking getting caught and then face the consequences of those actions, which is what's happening to your friend now.

Also all I'd say is, your friend is telling you his side, maybe there is more to it too. We rarely know the full truth about people's lives behind closed doors.

I'd never knowingly meet a cheat, as it can devastate the ones sitting at home, when it comes out. "

Such a tricky one eh!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’m doing this, I bet there are thousands of us on here doing it. I know I love her and my family and I know I dont want to leave that but I don’t want to live without sex either, so ultimately I should choose one or the other and it’s selfish of me to want the best of both. "

Yet you're still here...

If you loved her enough you wouldn't cheat.

It's not the sex, it's the lies.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oncupiscence73Woman
over a year ago

South

Pish it’s not tricky at all .... you cannot have tour cake and eat it. If your partner doesn’t want sex then you need to put your grown up pants on and have the conversation there are three options... go without.... find sex with others with your partners permission abs support or leave.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oncupiscence73Woman
over a year ago

South

Yes extremely selfish

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Pish it’s not tricky at all .... you cannot have tour cake and eat it. If your partner doesn’t want sex then you need to put your grown up pants on and have the conversation there are three options... go without.... find sex with others with your partners permission abs support or leave. "

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Wanting people to get their uncomfortable pants on here and say something that many may disagree with,

Mine is on the subject of “cheaters”

Made me think that makes sense and cheating Sometimes misunderstood?

Penny for your thoughts or unpopular opinions please. "

Me and my ex were strong I thought. Intimate all the time. Great life.

But went she was back in Spain for a week slept with a friend while d*unk.. Had she felt comfortable enough to say this before I'd of given her that pass.

So in my summary. I have no idea why people cheat. Many reasons I know of but still hurts none the less.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

"I can see both sides,

He shouldn't have to go without, but she shouldn't be made to have sex either.

Couldn't they have compromised and let him have discreet meets?.

That way they may both be happier?.

People who cheat are always risking getting caught and then face the consequences of those actions, which is what's happening to your friend now.

Also all I'd say is, your friend is telling you his side, maybe there is more to it too. We rarely know the full truth about people's lives behind closed doors.

I'd never knowingly meet a cheat, as it can devastate the ones sitting at home, when it comes out.

He chose to cheat. She shouldn't feel guilty for that.

It's difficult because the pressure of knowing you're leaving your partner unsatisfied if you don't have sex with them can be an even bigger turn off as sex out of feelings of obligation isn't sexy for anyone. Even as someone who has been the higher sex drive partner in previous relationships, its not sexy feeling like someone is only doing it for you.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's like every aspect of life. Nothing is black and white. Two armies go to war, but each soldier on each side will have slightly different reasons for fighting. Money, hatred, loyalty.

So I guess you can't judge the person on the act alone and if you want to end war you have to listen to each person and not just assume they are all fighting for the same reason.

I could be wrong here but if it was the other way around there could be more sympathy for the lady as it would be understandable that she would feel unloved, unsexy, not beautiful etc. Take away the cheating bit for now, if there is a problem in the relationship it's both parties responsibility so work it out. If my partner told me they wanted sex but I never did I wouldn't just leave it. Logically I'd know it would only get worse. Whatever the outcome I would want that person to be happy, even if I lost out. So you'd kind of expect something bad to come if you didn't address it.

But that's not say say you would deserve the heartache.

I've been on both ends. It really does hurt to think that I'm not attractive in the eyes of the one person it matters with.

I've also been on the other end (not cheating) and I'll never forgive myself for making a person I love feel unwanted and unloved. It was down to other shit but just knowing that that person felt how they did is so sad.

Fuck relationships, be a pirate. Much better

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"These sorts of tales are very common regarding reasons for cheating.

There are always shades of grey in any situation and it’s very easy for folks to sit in judgement without understanding or walking a mile in someone’s shoes.

But people do love a good moral high horse!

If you claim to love someone, you don’t hurt them"

She has basically said she just hasn’t made the time or the effort! As I mentioned they are both friends.

She admits she’s said no when she could have said yes but has not made that area of their life a priority. Despite him being a good man, she says her friends and family have Always said he’s good because of the way he is etc and she’s taken her foot off the gas so to speak! Mainly because she doesn’t view sex as such a high priority while knowing that he does.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oncupiscence73Woman
over a year ago

South

"Can understand his needs, but what it comes down to is what's more important to him, Family or Sex? He needs to make a decision as both won't work.

Doing the dirty is worse than her refusing him.

Sounds like they need counselling."

I think needs is a bit much you don’t need sex you want sex. People are perfectly able to lead celibate lives.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can see both sides,

He shouldn't have to go without, but she shouldn't be made to have sex either.

Couldn't they have compromised and let him have discreet meets?.

That way they may both be happier?.

People who cheat are always risking getting caught and then face the consequences of those actions, which is what's happening to your friend now.

Also all I'd say is, your friend is telling you his side, maybe there is more to it too. We rarely know the full truth about people's lives behind closed doors.

I'd never knowingly meet a cheat, as it can devastate the ones sitting at home, when it comes out.

He chose to cheat. She shouldn't feel guilty for that.

I hear ya!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ushcrushMan
over a year ago

liverpool

Sexless relationships can work because there is love and kids involved sometimes but again all needs to be openly discussed and both parties need to agree on the terms. But if all has been discussed and it cant be resolved in anyway. Sometimes people are better off apart. Hopefully have a friendship if nothing else. Maybe in this case two separate happy parents are better than an unhappy marriage. Sweeping generalised statements about men or women shouldn't come into it. Each couple and situation is different.

As for being friends with both of them. Tell them from the start you won't take sides but you will be there as a friend for both of them.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Okay O.P. Here is my take on what you have asked for .....

You say , 'he was found out'. If he was found out - he was hiding something. If he was hiding something he knew it was wrong(or would be in his partners eyes) He knew it would possibly end his marriage but he still did it. He is dick led cheating liar and you shouldn't be making excuses for him. Giving him shelter yes trying to put the blame on someone else for what he has done NO. HE is the lying cheating shit - no one else.

(personally I don't care what people get up to but when they try to blame others for the consequences it irks me)

You say 'he loves' ... his wife and child...meh .... no comment. Do people who 'love' risk losing them for a quick dip to relieve their balls... ? So meh to that. He loved himself more.

(I get the weakness, the human, the easily slipped BUT........ he needs to wear it and not blame his wife )

She isn't accommodating to his needs.... that's not worth mentioning unless you tell us all what his needs are and put in reasons as to why she can't or won't meet them. Just because he says it doesn't make it true. Or that simple. I'm not even going to bother with lines like, 'maybe he doesn't see to her needs or maybe he's shit at sex or maybe he's a bit RoRo and just wants relief instead of giving.... Who knows?

You say ( and this got to me ) He's a good lad, he goes to work, he does housework, he's involved with the kids ( THAT'S WHAT ADULTS AND PARENTS DO ) but she won't have sex with him ???

You put that as if he's ENTITLED to sex as and when he wants because he does what he's supposed to ... What partners , dads and adult home makers do anyway..... as if sex is a payment and she should pay.

The last paragraph is just an excuse for him seeing to his sexual needs. If sex is the most important thing in their relationship then they've got a lot of work to do....

Why do people talk about the lack of sex as if someone is standing on their wind pipe ?

Intimacy and love , trust, air , food, water ....... the kids ??? They all come before daily sex...

I've never watched a news report where families under missile fire and starving split up citing lack of daily sex...

See....... If you said , 'My mate and his wife have decided to have an open relationship' .... I'd have thought fine. But THEY didn't decide. She didn't have any say. She never put her side. He couldn't give a fuck..... He is a cheat. He cheated.

Stop sticking up for him.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"All men are not chauvinists.

Does that make all women feminists

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

Yes extremely selfish"

Is it really ? Should people have to choose between having their needs met and meeting the needs of others? Surely there’s middle ground snd compromise isn’t that the whole basis for being with someone else ?

Going to that family or work function you hate to support your partner and expecting they’d do the same seems normal to me

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"All men are not chauvinists.

Does that make all women feminists

She said 'not'

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"Can understand his needs, but what it comes down to is what's more important to him, Family or Sex? He needs to make a decision as both won't work.

Doing the dirty is worse than her refusing him.

Sounds like they need counselling.

I think needs is a bit much you don’t need sex you want sex. People are perfectly able to lead celibate lives. "

Not according to Maslow ( just saying ) it’s a need for human adults.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"All men are not chauvinists.

Does that make all women feminists

She said 'not' "

My bad misread it my mistake

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes extremely selfish

Going to that family or work function you hate to support your partner and expecting they’d do the same seems normal to me "

Yes it is.

A partnership should be that. He's not considering her. Why should she suffer cos he's got a problem? If there's no compromise they should seperate. Then no one's trust is betrayed. No one has to live with the lasting damage.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *affron40Woman
over a year ago

manchester

I understand people have ‘needs’. But I’ll never accept that deceiving someone you love is the answer. Those two things just do not go together.

Honesty and openness is the heart of everything for me, and yes I’ve had to make incredibly tough decisions to live with that.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"I can see both sides,

He shouldn't have to go without, but she shouldn't be made to have sex either.

Couldn't they have compromised and let him have discreet meets?.

That way they may both be happier?.

People who cheat are always risking getting caught and then face the consequences of those actions, which is what's happening to your friend now.

Also all I'd say is, your friend is telling you his side, maybe there is more to it too. We rarely know the full truth about people's lives behind closed doors.

I'd never knowingly meet a cheat, as it can devastate the ones sitting at home, when it comes out.

He chose to cheat. She shouldn't feel guilty for that.

Yeah he’s said this too! That he wants to work something out that suits both of them

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

I can see both sides, if they had honest conversions about a lack of intimacy and there was no compromise then I can see why he would feel like this. It's easy enough tell a man to leave when the vast majority of women have custody of the children. It's a family that's being broken up not just a relationship between 2 adults.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"All men are not chauvinists.

Fair enough, guess it depends on who you met in your life. "

she said 'not' .......

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

Yes extremely selfish

Going to that family or work function you hate to support your partner and expecting they’d do the same seems normal to me

Yes it is.

Good point sticky wicket is that neither party wants to break up a family for the sake of one area not being right

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By * AND R 777Couple
over a year ago

Teesside

"I enjoy football more without the fans "

I hate football, just don't get it (Mr R)

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"I can see both sides, if they had honest conversions about a lack of intimacy and there was no compromise then I can see why he would feel like this. It's easy enough tell a man to leave when the vast majority of women have custody of the children. It's a family that's being broken up not just a relationship between 2 adults. "

Yep! Hit the nail on the head with this comment !

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oncupiscence73Woman
over a year ago

South

"Can understand his needs, but what it comes down to is what's more important to him, Family or Sex? He needs to make a decision as both won't work.

Doing the dirty is worse than her refusing him.

Sounds like they need counselling.

I think needs is a bit much you don’t need sex you want sex. People are perfectly able to lead celibate lives.

Not according to Maslow ( just saying ) it’s a need for human adults. "

Social interaction is on Maslows hierarchy not fucking random strangers

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"I enjoy football more without the fans

I hate football, just don't get it (Mr R)

You a rugby fan?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Wanting people to get their uncomfortable pants on here and say something that many may disagree with,

Mine is on the subject of “cheaters”

Made me think that makes sense and cheating Sometimes misunderstood?

She was more than aware of the issues but never thought he’d look elsewhere and did nothing to address the issues. "

I see the blame is still going her way.

What are her needs ? Has he ever thought that she might look for happiness elsewhere ? What has he done to address the issues ?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oncupiscence73Woman
over a year ago

South

Yes extremely selfish

Going to that family or work function you hate to support your partner and expecting they’d do the same seems normal to me "

Horrendously selfish to lie to your partner put their health at risk (as oral passes on stis too), waste time and money on fucking someone else without their knowledge yes.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"Can understand his needs, but what it comes down to is what's more important to him, Family or Sex? He needs to make a decision as both won't work.

Doing the dirty is worse than her refusing him.

Sounds like they need counselling.

I think needs is a bit much you don’t need sex you want sex. People are perfectly able to lead celibate lives.

Not according to Maslow ( just saying ) it’s a need for human adults.

Social interaction is on Maslows hierarchy not fucking random strangers "

Bottom part of the pyramid includes sex and third part is sexual intimacy within relationship belonging!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

I admire your honesty with us but being honest with your partner is the necessary part. It always gets found out

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By * AND R 777Couple
over a year ago

Teesside

"I enjoy football more without the fans

I hate football, just don't get it (Mr R)

You a rugby fan? "

No dont like that aswell

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oncupiscence73Woman
over a year ago

South

"Can understand his needs, but what it comes down to is what's more important to him, Family or Sex? He needs to make a decision as both won't work.

Doing the dirty is worse than her refusing him.

Sounds like they need counselling.

I think needs is a bit much you don’t need sex you want sex. People are perfectly able to lead celibate lives.

Not according to Maslow ( just saying ) it’s a need for human adults.

Social interaction is on Maslows hierarchy not fucking random strangers

Bottom part of the pyramid includes sex and third part is sexual intimacy within relationship belonging! "

Nope it’s actually the third tier that stays intimacy which ISNT sex .....

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Wanting people to get their uncomfortable pants on here and say something that many may disagree with,

Mine is on the subject of “cheaters”

Made me think that makes sense and cheating Sometimes misunderstood?

Penny for your thoughts or unpopular opinions please. "

I think it shows that you're a good friend to both. You're trying to understand the situation and thinking of both sides. I guess a good friend would be there to support and that doesn't mean excuse their actions, just not abandon them.

I hope they can work something out and try to get over the heartache and such.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's such a pity there aren't more open relationships for the simple reason...lack of sex...

I do not understand how or why a humane human being can expect another to live a life without sex... It's a very selfish expectation...

Best of Luck X

This, but it still requires a certain attitude to sex and non-monogamy that some just won’t have.

My wife and I went the open marriage route due to different interests. She’s had strong kinks since way before meeting me but at the time we met it wasn’t something she was bothered about.

A few years ago she wanted to explore that side again and as it’s not my cup of tea we agreed to an open marriage. It’s pointless to wreck a family unit over something as simple as sex, but people tie it too much to emotions and relationships based on their own bias.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

None of that justifies cheating in my opinion. Good guys don’t tend to cheat on someone they love.

It doesn’t seem like he’s taken her feelings into consideration either, she may be depressed, suicidal, exhausted or she may just not fancy him anymore. He’s communicated with you, why doesn’t he do that with her?

When you’ve been on the receiving end of cheating and deceit you tend to understand how much it can affect a person even years later down the line.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"Wanting people to get their uncomfortable pants on here and say something that many may disagree with,

Mine is on the subject of “cheaters”

Made me think that makes sense and cheating Sometimes misunderstood?

She was more than aware of the issues but never thought he’d look elsewhere and did nothing to address the issues.

I see the blame is still going her way.

What are her needs ? Has he ever thought that she might look for happiness elsewhere ? What has he done to address the issues ? "

She said apart from the sex life all is good! As did he! They both work, they both cook clean and care for the children! They have no other problems. Pre-COVID they both had hobbies and friends outside of the relationship in fairly equal measures!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

"Can understand his needs, but what it comes down to is what's more important to him, Family or Sex? He needs to make a decision as both won't work.

Doing the dirty is worse than her refusing him.

Sounds like they need counselling.

I think needs is a bit much you don’t need sex you want sex. People are perfectly able to lead celibate lives. "

Maybe. Lead happy lives though? No. If we had to live off tastless mush that provided all our nutritional needs, we can live like that but I think most people would give in to temptation and eat proper food again eventually. Personally I don't condone cheating as I do sympathise with people in this situation but personally I think that if you can't work with your partner to come to an agreement in order to both be happy in your relationship then you should leave. He put his want of staying in his relationship and with his family over his partners need to trust him and now may have caused irreparable damage to that relationship anyway. Sex however is a need for a lot of people in order to live a happy life and if you can't find a way to both be happy in a relationship then it's never going to work in my opinion.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"I enjoy football more without the fans

I hate football, just don't get it (Mr R)

You a rugby fan?

No dont like that aswell

Netball rounders, maybe it’s a sport thing lol

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"I can see both sides,

He shouldn't have to go without, but she shouldn't be made to have sex either.

Couldn't they have compromised and let him have discreet meets?.

That way they may both be happier?.

People who cheat are always risking getting caught and then face the consequences of those actions, which is what's happening to your friend now.

Also all I'd say is, your friend is telling you his side, maybe there is more to it too. We rarely know the full truth about people's lives behind closed doors.

I'd never knowingly meet a cheat, as it can devastate the ones sitting at home, when it comes out.

He chose to cheat. She shouldn't feel guilty for that.

Gosh you THREE have discussed this in detail. Still she is getting the blame for HIS choices.

If she wasn't up for an open relationship and he saw his sexual needs as more important than living with his family then he should say that he is doing it anyway. Then he wouldn't be cheating and the ball would be in her court....... stay or go.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oncupiscence73Woman
over a year ago

South

"I can see both sides,

He shouldn't have to go without, but she shouldn't be made to have sex either.

Couldn't they have compromised and let him have discreet meets?.

That way they may both be happier?.

People who cheat are always risking getting caught and then face the consequences of those actions, which is what's happening to your friend now.

Also all I'd say is, your friend is telling you his side, maybe there is more to it too. We rarely know the full truth about people's lives behind closed doors.

I'd never knowingly meet a cheat, as it can devastate the ones sitting at home, when it comes out.

He chose to cheat. She shouldn't feel guilty for that.

Gosh you THREE have discussed this in detail. Still she is getting the blame for HIS choices.

This....

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oncupiscence73Woman
over a year ago

South

"Can understand his needs, but what it comes down to is what's more important to him, Family or Sex? He needs to make a decision as both won't work.

Doing the dirty is worse than her refusing him.

Sounds like they need counselling.

I think needs is a bit much you don’t need sex you want sex. People are perfectly able to lead celibate lives.

The point being he DIDNT discuss it with his partner he lied cheated and hoped he wouldn’t get caught.

Sex isn’t a ‘need’ we don’t die without it.... bland food means we stay alive too. No one mentioned happiness as of course a fulfilled life as an adult means sex and not bland food. Still not a ‘need’ though ...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"Wanting people to get their uncomfortable pants on here and say something that many may disagree with,

Mine is on the subject of “cheaters”

Made me think that makes sense and cheating Sometimes misunderstood?

Penny for your thoughts or unpopular opinions please.

I hope they can work something out and try to get over the heartache and such. "

Me too thank you

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By * AND R 777Couple
over a year ago

Teesside

"I enjoy football more without the fans

I hate football, just don't get it (Mr R)

You a rugby fan?

No dont like that aswell

Netball rounders, maybe it’s a sport thing lol "

No boxing, MMA, and motor sport

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"These sorts of tales are very common regarding reasons for cheating.

There are always shades of grey in any situation and it’s very easy for folks to sit in judgement without understanding or walking a mile in someone’s shoes.

But people do love a good moral high horse!

If you claim to love someone, you don’t hurt them

She has basically said she just hasn’t made the time or the effort! As I mentioned they are both friends.

I’m a little lost here as this isn’t making sense.

He told her and communicated his sexual needs, she ignored it, even though they were communicated and failed, even though he said that he wanted sex, to invest effort in the relationship because she didn’t think it was important?

He’s still wrong for cheating but they absolutely deserve for their relationship to fail if they can’t prioritise the others needs.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"I can see both sides,

He shouldn't have to go without, but she shouldn't be made to have sex either.

Couldn't they have compromised and let him have discreet meets?.

That way they may both be happier?.

People who cheat are always risking getting caught and then face the consequences of those actions, which is what's happening to your friend now.

Also all I'd say is, your friend is telling you his side, maybe there is more to it too. We rarely know the full truth about people's lives behind closed doors.

I'd never knowingly meet a cheat, as it can devastate the ones sitting at home, when it comes out.

He chose to cheat. She shouldn't feel guilty for that.

Gosh you THREE have discussed this in detail. Still she is getting the blame for HIS choices.

I can’t see where any blame has been assigned to anyone other than them blaming themselves!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"An interesting idea, as is on another thread, is why not discuss an open marriage?

The issue with these threads are that every case is different for why people cheat.

People who have been hurt by cheating will come at you with vigour.

People who cheat will stick to their views.

It is rare that someone will really listen or try to understand each other.

It’s a sticky one.

Women don't want an open marriage. They want all the home comforts and security from a husband. Once they have that they shut up shop.

I know many women who can't be arsed with sex once they are married or settled down with someone.

What a massive generalisation. There’s plenty of women out there who don’t do the above and still get cheated on and vice versa for men too.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

"It's such a pity there aren't more open relationships for the simple reason...lack of sex...

I do not understand how or why a humane human being can expect another to live a life without sex... It's a very selfish expectation...

Best of Luck X

This, but it still requires a certain attitude to sex and non-monogamy that some just won’t have.

My wife and I went the open marriage route due to different interests. She’s had strong kinks since way before meeting me but at the time we met it wasn’t something she was bothered about.

I agree with this. It is hard to shake those beliefs though when it's so ingrained in society that if you really love someone you want sex with them and only them. It's a very romanticised and overly idealistic view of life but it runs deep.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *dventurous fella OP Man
over a year ago

where

"These sorts of tales are very common regarding reasons for cheating.

There are always shades of grey in any situation and it’s very easy for folks to sit in judgement without understanding or walking a mile in someone’s shoes.

But people do love a good moral high horse!

If you claim to love someone, you don’t hurt them

She has basically said she just hasn’t made the time or the effort! As I mentioned they are both friends.

I’m a little lost here as this isn’t making sense.

He’s still wrong for cheating but they absolutely deserve for their relationship to fail if they can’t prioritise the others needs. "

Yeah I think so too! Although I’ve got fingers crossed it doesn’t end up this way! He feels awful she feels awful

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

Why are his sexual need more important than hers? That's my initial thought.

Was shy a nympho before they married and had kids? If so, what changed for her.

When he says he does housework and looks after the kids (blue Peter badge in the post btw), what does that mean exactly?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

"Can understand his needs, but what it comes down to is what's more important to him, Family or Sex? He needs to make a decision as both won't work.

Doing the dirty is worse than her refusing him.

Sounds like they need counselling.

I think needs is a bit much you don’t need sex you want sex. People are perfectly able to lead celibate lives.

The point being he DIDNT discuss it with his partner he lied cheated and hoped he wouldn’t get caught.

Happiness is absolutely a need otherwise what is the actual point of being alive? Just living a miserable existence.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

"An interesting idea, as is on another thread, is why not discuss an open marriage?

The issue with these threads are that every case is different for why people cheat.

People who have been hurt by cheating will come at you with vigour.

People who cheat will stick to their views.

It is rare that someone will really listen or try to understand each other.

It’s a sticky one.

Women don't want an open marriage. They want all the home comforts and security from a husband. Once they have that they shut up shop.

I know many women who can't be arsed with sex once they are married or settled down with someone.

What a massive generalisation. There’s plenty of women out there who don’t do the above and still get cheated on and vice versa for men too. "

Obviously I'm not talking about all women.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

A woman's happiness will always trump a man's happiness on the forums.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 23/03/21 13:02:02]

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A woman's happiness will always trump a man's happiness on the forums.

When a man’s happiness is cheating (or anyone who cheats for that matter) comes before the relationship then yes.

To deceive someone and then gaslight them into somehow thinking it’s their fault is disgusting and not the acts of a loving partner.

Loving partners communicate, they don’t cheat then decide it’s time to communicate. I wonder how the OP’s “friend” would feel if he had found out his wife had cheated too...

People love to justify cheating when they’re not on the receiving end.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"Okay O.P. Here is my take on what you have asked for .....