FabSwingers.com forum: Best short jokes and one-liners...

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I saw this bloke trying to pull a cheetah.

I thought, “He’s trying to pull a fast one”.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to the zoo the other day, only a dog was on display

It was a shitzoo

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

You only live once. So make sure you spend 15hrs on the internet everyday, desperately seeking validation from strangers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You only live once. So make sure you spend 15hrs on the internet everyday, desperately seeking validation from strangers.

Or just use it to distract

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Friend of mine called . He’s wife left him . Took he’s satellite dish and bob Marley cd ... no woman no sky

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By *asilyled1Man
over a year ago

ogmore valley

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until it’s bill withers

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

“Shout out to the peeps that don’t know what the opposite of in is!”

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By *1aytime and PicklesCouple
over a year ago

Littlehampton

My fanny feels like a penny black, hasn't been licked for ages

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By *asilyled1Man
over a year ago

ogmore valley

"“Shout out to the peeps that don’t know what the opposite of in is!”

Took me awhile to get that!

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By *iddlesticksMan
over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

I saw a guy in the cemetery. I said morning, he said no it’s a short cut.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

"I saw a guy in the cemetery. I said morning, he said no it’s a short cut. "

That has given me a proper chuckle!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Pigeons must be wealthy. They have no problem putting deposits on expensive cars.

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By *iddlesticksMan
over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

I was playing Darts down the British Legion. Seems they don’t like

Boy from New York City.

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By *hechairman18Man
over a year ago

Salford Quays , Manchester

The fastest gay cowboy joke

"Yup"?

"Yep".

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By *emima_blackTV/TS
over a year ago

London

Wife's left me. Said it was because of my OCD. Fine I said, shut the door seven times on your way out..

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By *hampagne_Supernova_91Man
over a year ago

Manchester

I've recently decided to stop masturbating.

Since then I havent really felt myself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife’s left me because of my obsession with pasta.

I’m feeling Cannelloni

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to the doctors with a mole on my cock! The doctor said that’s what you get when you fuck moles!

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

My last break up left me comfort eating spicy potato snacks. I was searching for hot Pringles in my area.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Want to hear a joke about my cock? Wait never-mind its too long.

Hi, wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Oh don’t worry, you’ll never get it.

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By *hampagne_Supernova_91Man
over a year ago

Manchester

My missus said she would leave me if I didn't stop making Oasis references.

I said maybeeee.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Venison’s dear isn’t it

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

Had such trouble logging in today. Phoned support, who asked "have you tried disabling cookies?". I said "well I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Took the my new girlfriend to watch batman last night. Our dates have now been.

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner batman.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I will now tell the two shortest jokes in the world:

“Dwarf shortage”

“Stationary shop moves”

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By *reeneggsandsamMan
over a year ago

Perpignan and cap

Sterility is hereditary.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Life is a lot like a Penis...

simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely...

then a woman makes it hard.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

Anyone want to swap some bum jokes? I've got piles.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Most cheesiest line heard was when i was at college. The guy said to the girl

Your dads a thief, he stole all the stars and put them in your eyes.

He got a slap in the middle of the canteen lol

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

I memorized six pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

Just spent the day train spotting. Honestly, it was dead easy, they're massive and make a lot of noise.

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By *iddlesticksMan
over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

I had a chicken tarka last night. It’s like a chicken tikka, only a little otter.

I ran out of shampoo, had to use real poo.

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By *urtyGentMan
over a year ago

eastleigh

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Europe.

Europe who?

No, you’re a poo

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

When I was just a little girl

I asked my mother, "what will I be?

Will I be pretty?

Will I be rich?"

Here's what she said to me:

"No".

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By *mateur100Man
over a year ago

nr faversham

I went to the barber's the other day, he said you're going bald sir...I said well fucking hurry up then!

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

"I was playing Darts down the British Legion. Seems they don’t like

Boy from New York City. "

Sorry. I don't get this one. Can anybody explain? I'm only simple.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

My brother and I often laugh at how competitive we were as kids.

But I laugh more.

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By *uriousscouserWoman
over a year ago

Wirral

"I was playing Darts down the British Legion. Seems they don’t like

Boy from New York City.

Sorry. I don't get this one. Can anybody explain? I'm only simple. "

The Boy from New York City was a song by Darts!

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By *iddlesticksMan
over a year ago

My nan’s spare room.

"I was playing Darts down the British Legion. Seems they don’t like

Boy from New York City.

Sorry. I don't get this one. Can anybody explain? I'm only simple. "

Boy from New York City was a song by darts.

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

"I was playing Darts down the British Legion. Seems they don’t like

Boy from New York City.

Sorry. I don't get this one. Can anybody explain? I'm only simple.

The Boy from New York City was a song by Darts!"

Oh! Thanks. No wonder I didn't get it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I did self-defence course.

I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now!

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

The shortest joke I know was uttered by Basil Fawlty:

Pretentious? Moi?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you got a mirror in your knickers?

Because I can see myself in them later

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A man will actually search for a golf ball.

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By *he Knight is YoungMan
over a year ago

22 Acacia Ave, Preston-for now

I saw a guy walking down the road with a greyhound.

I said pointing at the dog "whippet?"...

He replied "no,I just use the newspaper!".

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Old lady says to her hubby, “My nipples are as hot today as they was 50 years ago”. Hubby replies, “Oughta be. One’s in your coffee the other’s in your porridge”.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One prostitute to the other....

"You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Reply... "No, but I've been swung round by the tits....."

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

Masochist - Hit me

Sadist - No

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By *hampagne_Supernova_91Man
over a year ago

Manchester

Heard a rumour that Cadburys could be bringing out an oriental chocolate bar

Could be a Chinese Wispa

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By *mooth shaftMan
over a year ago

Edinburgh

What do you say when you see 20 elephants coming over a hill ....... oh look theres 20 elephants coming over the hill!!

What do you say when you see 20 elephants coming over the hill with sun glasses on? .... Nothing cos you dont recognise them !

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it.

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By *UGGYBEAR2015Man
over a year ago

BRIDPORT

Ran over a bloke carrying a cymbal in my car the other day

BaDum Tish.

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By *ed-monkeyCouple
over a year ago

Hailsham

"Heard a rumour that Cadburys could be bringing out an oriental chocolate bar

Could be a Chinese Wispa"

Apparently when George Michael died he had a chocolate bar impaled up his arse ... it was a Careless Wispa

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By *iaisonseekerMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

I don't approve of crime in multi-storey car parks. It's wrong on many levels.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?

So he could see her crack!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you say when you see 20 elephants coming over a hill ....... oh look theres 20 elephants coming over the hill!!

What do you say when you see 20 elephants coming over the hill with sun glasses on? .... Nothing cos you dont recognise them !

What do you do when you see 20 elephants cuming over a hill?

Swim for it

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By * and M lookingCouple
over a year ago

Worcester

"Most cheesiest line heard was when i was at college. The guy said to the girl

Your dads a thief, he stole all the stars and put them in your eyes.

He got a slap in the middle of the canteen lol"

Sounds painful, but why did her dad get a slap?

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"The fastest gay cowboy joke

"Yup"?

"Yep"."

From the film called 'Chaps in chaps, in chaps in chaps'

The true successor to 'Rawhide'.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"My missus said she would leave me if I didn't stop making Oasis references.

I said maybeeee."

No way Sis!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"I don't approve of crime in multi-storey car parks. It's wrong on many levels."

Stay away from Level 42 then.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Wouldn’t you like to feel the Force flowing within you?

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By *rder66Man
over a year ago

Tatooine

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

George Carlin

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By *heeriskingMan
over a year ago

Stockport

Pantomimes in crisis due to dwarf shortage.

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By *xhib12Man
over a year ago

Blyth

Two nuns in the bath, one says "where's the soap"?

Other one says "it does doesn't it"?

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By *annia440Man
over a year ago

greater London

Im an expert at austrailian kissing, its a bit like french kissing but down under

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Filled the escort up with diesel............ She died

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I invited my blind cousin to join me in a bit of archery. He declined, so I told him "you don't know what you're missing".

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By *art55Man
over a year ago

Leatherhead

Who's heard about the new OO7 Viagra tablets.

They don't make you harder, just Roger Moore!

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By *hechairman18Man
over a year ago

Salford Quays , Manchester

A man asked in the Library, for books on suicide.

The assistant said, down the corridor, last aisle on the left, top shelf.

The man returned, and said he couldn't find any.

The assistant said,

" No, they never bring them back ".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a man with four planks in his head?

I don’t know, but Edward Woodward would.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As I put my car into reverse I thought to myself..."this takes me back "

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By *xhib12Man
over a year ago

Blyth

My wife said I was stupid for making a car out of spaghetti.

Should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

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By *isandhers691127Couple
over a year ago

Bournemouth

Wife said she was leaving me due to my poker addiction, I think she's bluffing.

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By *irtydevil666Man
over a year ago

bristol

Fab

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By *tue555Man
over a year ago

Passed Beyond Reach

A man walks into a bar ... clang

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By *tue555Man
over a year ago

Passed Beyond Reach

Bed says Zebedee to Florence - Florence says feck that im sleeping with Ermintrude- she's a horny cow - Dougal says to Zebedee - looks like you're in the doghouse with me

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

George Carlin"

I also asked her if she had a book on shelves. She told me to fuck off as they were all on the shelves.

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By *heRazorsEdgeMan
over a year ago

Wales/ All over UK

Saw a gorgeous woman the other day who wanted innuendos... so I gave her one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?' I said ‘No, six should be enough.'

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By *ubwife4uCouple
over a year ago

Kent

What do you do if you see a space man?

Park in it man!

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"What do you call a man with four planks in his head?

I don’t know, but Edward Woodward would.

True story, he also had a small coppice...that's Edward Woodward's wood.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"A man walks into a bar ... clang"

A dyslexic walks into a bra and shouts "Bitty!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call a man with four planks in his head?

I don’t know, but Edward Woodward would.

Ed Woodward... Grrrrrrrr

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My Dad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo

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By *sh6866Man
over a year ago

halifax

My dad used to say 'take everything with a pinch of salt'

He was a brilliant bloke, but his coffee tasted awful..

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By *hechairman18Man
over a year ago

Salford Quays , Manchester

Man said to the Doctor,

Can you help me I can't get on with people.

Pardon.

I've fucking told you once already.

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a cross between a marquee and a wigwam.

Psychiatrist: hmmm, I would say that you're two tents / too tense.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Oral sex sucks.

Anal sex is fucking shit

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

Tim Vine..."Velcro? Rip off!"

He uses three words, I can beat that using only two words.

"Philosophy: Why?"

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