FabSwingers.com forum: Never experienced a mood shift like this before.

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Right if you are aware of my situation. Began meeting and sleeping with a younger dude that I work with. Last Sunday so just over a week ago he said we needed to talk about us. Said that if we carry on how we are it’s going to turn into love and he doesn’t want to be in love with anyone. He’s Sicilian living here alone for the past 2 years. He has a cousin here and his uncle temporarily for a couple of months but the rest of his family including his son are back home. He misses his child and is frustrated by the current climate and travel restrictions and he gets bouts of bad depression which he refers to as having his good days and bad days.

Anyhow just over a week ago he says that we have to stop seeing each other because he doesn’t want to make me sad blah blah blah. I didn’t call or message him at all and didn’t have to see him in work until the following Sunday so that’s a week where I just left him alone.

Get to Sunday in work so that’s this Sunday just gone and he comes over to me in work he’s all like have you missed me, I said do you want a general answer or the truth and he said the truth, I said yes I have missed you because I did enjoy spending time with him and didn’t want it to stop. I also said that I care about him and want him to be happy and have a happy life whether I’m in it or not and he said he hasn’t been happy the last few days, he said he missed me too and was unhappy without me.

I’m like what the fuck is going on here. We finished work and I said shall I drop you home (instead of him running or lift with his friend). Driving to his I said how is this happening now then and he said can I just forget everything he said last week, he said he wasn’t himself.

Ended up having sex but after it we were talking and he was telling me all about his past and showing me photos of his family his brother and his dad and then he asked if I would come and eat with his friends (they love their food and always do big meals) then he was talking about doing this certain thing in October and I was like that’s ages away and he was like yeah I want you to do it with me. Lots of kissing and it was getting on for half 7 in the morning and I had to go home to sleep so we said our goodbyes and that was that. I was seeing him later that day in work anyway.

Right so Monday now in work and I could see him glancing at me all the time but he looked pissed off. Now I dunno if this is an Italian culture thing but a previous occasion in work I had a thin like long sleeve t shirt on but I never wear bras and it was freezing in the warehouse that day and he came over and was like why don’t you wear bras there’s men everywhere here and he gave me his hoody to wear.

Now Monday just gone I made sure I had a bra on but when I wear a bra whatever bra it is it makes my boobs look bigger, they’re breast implants they’re designed to be pert. I had this v neck top on and alright my boobs did look big but it was like he was pissed off when he saw me. To make matters worse when I’m in work literally about 20 different guys come over to my station and try talking to me. Where he works he’s almost directly in front of me but he can walk around I’m kind of like in a line of workstations I can’t move from my place. Then he was also working with this boy I was in school with so I’ve known this guy 20 odd years and yes he’s tried it on in the past but I didn’t engage with it at all. Now I’m a funny person I can’t help that. I make people laugh and I was on break with the boy I was in school with and the two other guys that were working with the Italian now guys probably talk and I don’t know if they were talking about me in a derogatory way like men do like saying rude things they’d do or what not but the Italian looked like he was going to blow a fuse.

Didn’t come up to me all the night and then they were offering early finishes at 2 am. Now normally when they’ve done that in the past he comes to find me and asks if I’m talking it or I go to find him to ask him and we take it together and go back to his.

I asked him and he was like no he’s not taking the early finish cos he doesn’t have the hours and also can’t take it unpaid cos he was being trained on this different job (which he was doing). I really wanted to go home early but I said to him if I stay do you want me to take you home and he said yes. So 2am came and went, I went on my break at half 2 till just after 3 and I couldn’t see him at all. For the last 2 hours of the shift I didn’t see him. I asked the boy I knew where the Italian was and he said he went home hours ago he took the early finish!!

Now I was fucking so angry cos I stayed there an extra 3 hours when I wanted to go home and would have been waiting for him at the entrance cos I thought I was taking him home. So then I drove to his place at 5am his shared house. Hammering on the door and he answers and I was like what the fuck. He was like this is something a girlfriend would do. We are just friends, I was like yeah but you could’ve told me you were going home so I wasn’t waiting for you or you could have told me that you didn’t want a lift home and I would have gone home at 2am. He was like we’re friends I shouldn’t have to tell you if I’m going home early. Then he was like you there with your fucking boobs out, men always at your station, what do you expect, guys will want to fuck you.

I was like woah, he’s the one who doesn’t want anyone to know his business in work or that we meet. (I didn’t say that though) I was like yesterday you were telling me to forget about what you said about wanting us to stop and asking me to come for food with your friends.

He was like yeah so just forget what I said yesterday, I said we’re you saying that just to get a fuck and he was like no I have my hand for that, he was being so cold and nasty. He was like I just want you to leave now, I was getting upset then and he was like I don’t like you I don’t want to see you again, he marched me back to my car then hugged me and kissed me on the eye and that was that.

What the fuck was that about!?

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby

Dead simple from here onwards, have fuck all to do with him again as it will only ever get worse.

He has already played you like a fiddle and is already subtly shaming you for how you dress so run....run like fuck and don't look back.

Think if one of your friends were telling you this was happening to them, what honest and frank advice would you give to them and you'll have your own answer that suits you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Trying to control you....

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Dead simple from here onwards, have fuck all to do with him again as it will only ever get worse.

He has already played you like a fiddle and is already subtly shaming you for how you dress so run....run like fuck and don't look back.

Think if one of your friends were telling you this was happening to them, what honest and frank advice would you give to them and you'll have your own answer that suits you."

Soph I feel like the older I’m getting the less boundaries I have and I don’t know how to get them back.

Even after he’s done all that I still feel like I want him.

What was with that shift within a day.

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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago

Gapping Fanny

Not the sort of behaviour I would tolerate in a partner nowadays, but having been in an emotionally abusive relationship in the past I appreciate how easy it is to make excuses for their behaviour. Its also hard to let go of things we enjoy.

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby

"Dead simple from here onwards, have fuck all to do with him again as it will only ever get worse.

He has already played you like a fiddle and is already subtly shaming you for how you dress so run....run like fuck and don't look back.

Think if one of your friends were telling you this was happening to them, what honest and frank advice would you give to them and you'll have your own answer that suits you.

Soph I feel like the older I’m getting the less boundaries I have and I don’t know how to get them back.

Even after he’s done all that I still feel like I want him.

What was with that shift within a day. "

Lockdown, the lack of interaction with others and rhe opportunities to meet someone to build something with are all likely playing a part in trying to keep hold of something that you know normally you would walk away from.

The shift in him could either be him playing games with you to try to control you or he really is just as inept as he sounds at dealing with his own emotions.

Either way it's not a healthy environment for you to be in and you know what you need to do even if your heart is telling you you just want some affecttion and intimate human contact.

Its not your age, its the times we all find ourselves in.

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By *icolerobbieCouple
over a year ago

walsall

The difference between full and empty balls. Come on Annie, you’re long enough in the tooth to spot this now.

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By *lipy123TV/TS
over a year ago

Birmingham

"Dead simple from here onwards, have fuck all to do with him again as it will only ever get worse.

He has already played you like a fiddle and is already subtly shaming you for how you dress so run....run like fuck and don't look back.

Think if one of your friends were telling you this was happening to them, what honest and frank advice would you give to them and you'll have your own answer that suits you."

What Sophie said

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You’re better than that. Don’t go there xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can I suggest a book called Living with the Dominator. Can get it on Amazon. Shows the tactics some will use to gain control. But highlights red flags to.

I would suggest reading it.

Not just as a way of seeing with dv but sign of toxic behaviours and a way of setting your boundaries.

Nothing actually changed with this guy, he is playing you. Pushing you away to pull you in again. All the niceties and then having you second guess yourself.

I would keep a good distance and really not go back to be treated poorly further.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Read what you said to us and think about what you'd tell a younger sister or best friend if they came to you with this issue. Only you can make the decision over him, this might help you.

princess Sarah xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Slippy123, I've just realised you sad the same thing. Sorry x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He will be insecure and have low self esteem due to his depression. The game playing comes with anxiety and needing a sense of control.

He's in a bad way, been in his shoes, not a good place. Will he get help?

If you stay by him you will need help and advice. He will hold you responsible for his happiness and will get jealous when your happy getting on with life.

Think he knows himself from what he said about him setting you free from him.

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By *imbobaMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

One word.

Narcissist.

Second.

Run.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As he's said you're not (worth) dating, you're just friends (fuck buddies) but he's jealous (common place, especially with some Italian blokes) it's not going to change! Simples! You're unhappy and that's not going to change, so best pick yourself up, dust yourself off, hold your head up high and with your pride intact walk away from him! It may well hurt but a lot less than it will down the line. If he wants sex with you again, you can just point out you have enough "friends"!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Firstly, never lower your self respect. You are worthy of significantly better.

He has issues not least jealousy and control he will become more toxic.

He has crossed the line and his lack of respect for you is clear.

Leave him well alone. A fuck buddy would not treat you this way.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'll be honest, I reached the point where you described being back at work with tree fella drawing you daggers from afar.

Sounds as though he kshowing possessive, controlling behaviours already. I'd be very cautious imo.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Can I suggest a book called Living with the Dominator. Can get it on Amazon. Shows the tactics some will use to gain control. But highlights red flags to.

I would suggest reading it.

Not just as a way of seeing with dv but sign of toxic behaviours and a way of setting your boundaries.

Nothing actually changed with this guy, he is playing you. Pushing you away to pull you in again. All the niceties and then having you second guess yourself.

I would keep a good distance and really not go back to be treated poorly further.

I have that book from when I did a programme called the freedom programme, I spent years in abusive relationships every ways possible and that book was a huge eye opener and I see things now I didn’t back then.

To the OP

What the guy is doing is called controlling behaviour and is all part of domestic violence, my advice would be walk away and stay away!!!!

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By *reeneggsandsamMan
over a year ago

Perpignan and cap

Yep, I'm with the majority. He's trying to control you, to manipulate you and he's playing you. He's using emotions as weapons.

It's not his fault. Italian men are some of the creepiest, sexest and masodginisic in Europe, apparently.

They're always switching sides and have one forward gear and five reverse.

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By *eannaTV/TS
over a year ago

Cwmfelifach, nr Newport

Sicilians are very much like this and I will say the advice given here is absolutely spot on, I used to date a Sicilian back over 40 year's ago we almost got engaged but she broke it off, I eventually got over it and moved away and got on with my life, about 5 years ago she got in touch with me on Facebook and started pestering me making out that she wanted to carry on where we left off as if nothing had happened, lucky for me my partner knew I didn't want anything to do with her, so please be very careful on what you decide, take care

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By *inky Biscuit DunkerMan
over a year ago

Gloucestershire

Annie, I seriously think you should become a Nun

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Dead simple from here onwards, have fuck all to do with him again as it will only ever get worse.

He has already played you like a fiddle and is already subtly shaming you for how you dress so run....run like fuck and don't look back.

Think if one of your friends were telling you this was happening to them, what honest and frank advice would you give to them and you'll have your own answer that suits you.

Soph I feel like the older I’m getting the less boundaries I have and I don’t know how to get them back.

Even after he’s done all that I still feel like I want him.

What was with that shift within a day. "

That mood shift he had is a massive red flag. I defended him last time and thought he just sounded immature and unsure.

He is controlling and jealous. His mood shifts will make you want to please him. He love bombed you and you want that back.

Run away and find someone else.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He will be insecure and have low self esteem due to his depression. The game playing comes with anxiety and needing a sense of control.

He's in a bad way, been in his shoes, not a good place. Will he get help?

If you stay by him you will need help and advice. He will hold you responsible for his happiness and will get jealous when your happy getting on with life.

Think he knows himself from what he said about him setting you free from him. "

I very much agree with this. X

"He will hold you responsible for his happiness".

But you can never make them happy.

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By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Wandsworth

Why did you go to his place, why not call?

Much easier to call and less confrontational.

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By *innocentMan
over a year ago

Littlehampton

Life is so short and precious

Why waste a moment of it

Battling with someone who makes you feel like shit?

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

Seriously. He's a boy playing little boy games. You don't need that energy around you as it will fuck you up.

He's already changing you. Making you wear bras when you wouldn't normally, making you cover up by giving you his hoody. Making you feel bad for talking to guys. So many red flags. He is not good for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Classic case of control. Get out of that relationship

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stop enabling this nonsense

You have a whole book of know how

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By *lueEyesEnigmaMan
over a year ago

Dublin

"Can I suggest a book called Living with the Dominator. Can get it on Amazon. Shows the tactics some will use to gain control. But highlights red flags to.

I would suggest reading it.

Not just as a way of seeing with dv but sign of toxic behaviours and a way of setting your boundaries.

Nothing actually changed with this guy, he is playing you. Pushing you away to pull you in again. All the niceties and then having you second guess yourself.

I would keep a good distance and really not go back to be treated poorly further.

To the OP

What the guy is doing is called controlling behaviour and is all part of domestic violence, my advice would be walk away and stay away!!!!"

Agreed

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

Crumpet Castle

Leave him alone. For his sake.

For your sake - take responsibility for your own behaviour.

Take more interest in your self respect.

Stop allowing yourself to be confused by uncertain behaviours of someone not much older than a student.

Stop hanging around to offer lifts in the hope of roping him in.

Stop going to his house at 5 a.m. which is lunatic behaviour in itself.

Develop the strength to realise it is just drama nothing more.

Unless of course the drama is wanted..... cos then everything is fine.

Proceed as you are.

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By *andyfloss2000Woman
over a year ago

ashford

If one of my daughter came to me with this I would say walk away! I think on the one hand he is vastly immature! And u say he said u going there is a girlfriend kind of thing but what he is saying to u about others is a controlling boyfriend thing! I think it will just yo yo up and down if u carry it on ! I think from what u say u have feelings for him! And that will not make it easy! But I feel it's something u must do for both your sakes ! Hugs x

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By *andy_tomMan
over a year ago

wolverhampton

Get the hell out of there as fast as you can , or you will end up regretting it ,

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By *ollycouple71Couple
over a year ago

manchester

"Leave him alone. For his sake.

For your sake - take responsibility for your own behaviour.

Take more interest in your self respect.

Stop allowing yourself to be confused by uncertain behaviours of someone not much older than a student.

Stop hanging around to offer lifts in the hope of roping him in.

Stop going to his house at 5 a.m. which is lunatic behaviour in itself.

Develop the strength to realise it is just drama nothing more.

Unless of course the drama is wanted..... cos then everything is fine.

Proceed as you are. "
Think some people just like drama

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By *edantic SheilaWoman
over a year ago

Milton Keynes

"Leave him alone. For his sake.

For your sake - take responsibility for your own behaviour.

Take more interest in your self respect.

Stop allowing yourself to be confused by uncertain behaviours of someone not much older than a student.

Stop hanging around to offer lifts in the hope of roping him in.

Stop going to his house at 5 a.m. which is lunatic behaviour in itself.

Develop the strength to realise it is just drama nothing more.

Unless of course the drama is wanted..... cos then everything is fine.

Proceed as you are. "

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

o o OO o o

He used you. Because you let him.

He wanted sex. He got it. You’ll be of no interest to him until he wants it again.

There isn’t going to be a fairytale ending to this, you’re wasting energy. Just bin him off.

You know all this.

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By *ermite12ukMan
over a year ago

Solihull and Romford

"Dead simple from here onwards, have fuck all to do with him again as it will only ever get worse.

He has already played you like a fiddle and is already subtly shaming you for how you dress so run....run like fuck and don't look back.

Think if one of your friends were telling you this was happening to them, what honest and frank advice would you give to them and you'll have your own answer that suits you.

What Sophie said"

Agree: What Sophie said but also, start looking for another job.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

Crumpet Castle

"Dead simple from here onwards, have fuck all to do with him again as it will only ever get worse.

He has already played you like a fiddle and is already subtly shaming you for how you dress so run....run like fuck and don't look back.

Think if one of your friends were telling you this was happening to them, what honest and frank advice would you give to them and you'll have your own answer that suits you.

What Sophie said

Agree: What Sophie said but also, start looking for another job."

There is NO need for her to leave her place of employment.

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By *eerobCouple
over a year ago

solihull

If you dont like wearing a bra..take it off..dress as you want..see who you want...

If you fancy a bit of casual sex with him...then when it suits you...ask him over...otherwise live your life..be selfish...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Massive red flag of jealous and controlling behaviour.

Its all very immature really, which makes sense because he is very young.

Steer clear, get on with your work and be professional.

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By *elloIntrigueMan
over a year ago

North West UK

From the sounds of what you've said, I think you would be better off out of it Annie, for the sake of your own sanity. He's playing about and the guy sounds unpredictable - he's changed your behaviours. You be you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree with most replies here. Its very controlling behaviour. You deserve better. The longer you're in this situation the more blind you will be to whats happening.

Get out now Annie, you deserve a lot better x

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

I'm like woah ... leave this fucka well alone.... he's gonna run you ragged

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By *rder66Man
over a year ago

Tatooine

"Dead simple from here onwards, have fuck all to do with him again as it will only ever get worse.

He has already played you like a fiddle and is already subtly shaming you for how you dress so run....run like fuck and don't look back.

Think if one of your friends were telling you this was happening to them, what honest and frank advice would you give to them and you'll have your own answer that suits you."
Hit the nail on the head with this comment, being possesive and controling and any type of shaming, run. The fact that you are getting olde and you want to explore more who are then, just you having the thought of how to but barriers back in your life, walk away.

If he wanted to explore with you and support your exloration would be different.

Walk away and don't let somebody even suggest that you become their ideal person, be your ideal person.

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By *ecretlivesCouple
over a year ago

FABWatch HQ

You are both grown ups. You will do what you will do. In the meantime Fab Pop Psychology follows...

His:-

Depression, anxiety, homesick, jealousy, possessive

Triggers your own:-

need to support, reassure, nurture,

in turn to have someone care enough to be (a tiny bit) jealous, possessive and ultimately protect you so you don't have to work so dam hard on your own.

From a distance You and he appear similar, but you have matured - have recognised negative aspects of yourself and your own method of dealing with them. To be upbeat, cheerful (even when not), take charge of life and body, kick through, sexually aware and desired. The negatives are still there (pounding on door in early morning?), but in check. This will be part of your appeal to him.

Verdict.(not diagnosis - Fab pop remember)

Nothing 'wrong' with anything (what's right?). All a question of degrees. Co-dependency can work with consensual agreed open roles, but without that (and his ego/culture makes it unlikely) it can move to coercive controlling and all the nasty stuff.

Perhaps you should find someone that doesnt need your emergency emotional support skills. They may be self-taught, and a credit to you, but do you really want to have a relationship based on them?

"There is always sun above a low cloud" and other truisms are available on tea-towels in the Fab gift shop as you leave.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Annie, your daughter is watching you and your relationships. Think about that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Annie you are nearly 40.

This post sounds like it was written by a teenager - and I'm not sure any of them are genuine to be honest.

I've been here as long as you and I feel like these posts are tongue in cheek.

They must be!

If not then I wish you the best and hope you find what you're looking for.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This going to sound mean but you seriously need to get a grip of your situation. You talk about needing to get your boundaries up but if you keep going back that's never going to happen.

You seem like a smart person so it shouldn't be hard for you to look back and apply a bit of logic based on the threads you've created on this subject. Both of you seem emotionally vulnerable and prone to making errors in judgement so if he says it's now over, take his word for and cut through the bullshit if he tries to get back with you. Try and use your brain over your heart because if it's this tough early on, I doubt it'll get better...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Urgh. Been there. That’s controlling and manipulative, and sounds like it’s already an abusive relationship.

You’re worth more than that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Walk away as others have said. If he's playing mind games now, imagine what it would be like in a few weeks or months.

Sometimes it can be hard walking away, but you know deep down its the right thing to do and his behaviour isn't right.

Lots of love

Nikki xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Annie. I don’t know if you journal, but it can be very useful. Just sit with what you’re feeling, and write down whatever comes, and read it back.

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By *reyyaMan
over a year ago

North Yorkshire

"Right if you are aware of my situation. Began meeting and sleeping with a younger dude that I work with. Last Sunday so just over a week ago he said we needed to talk about us. Said that if we carry on how we are it’s going to turn into love and he doesn’t want to be in love with anyone. He’s Sicilian living here alone for the past 2 years. He has a cousin here and his uncle temporarily for a couple of months but the rest of his family including his son are back home. He misses his child and is frustrated by the current climate and travel restrictions and he gets bouts of bad depression which he refers to as having his good days and bad days.

What the fuck was that about!?"

Arch manipulator. Beginning of a long con job on you. Will want you to sell your house next. Can easily return to Sicily. Whenever he feels like it. Probably with as much of your money and assets that he can prise out of you. I stopped reading when I read "got a son in Sicily," that says it all. Will probably be seeing other women too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Annie I’d just walk away a completely he’s playing games. You’ve both had some fun it is sad but I wouldn’t keep playing that game

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

Few things.

Work relationships are difficult, I'd never do it again.

He wants his cake and eat it, i.e. shag you when he wants.

He's a bit controlling.

You're gonna have that for rest of your life of you persist with chasing him.

Best for you to move on, don't give him anymore sexy time.

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish

Domeone who leaves you unhappy and confused should be given the boot. Life is too short to play games.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Treat relationships like money. Never invest where there's a negative interest rate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Leave him alone. For his sake.

For your sake - take responsibility for your own behaviour.

Take more interest in your self respect.

Stop allowing yourself to be confused by uncertain behaviours of someone not much older than a student.

Stop hanging around to offer lifts in the hope of roping him in.

Stop going to his house at 5 a.m. which is lunatic behaviour in itself.

Develop the strength to realise it is just drama nothing more.

Unless of course the drama is wanted..... cos then everything is fine.

Proceed as you are. "

Well said!

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By *reyyaMan
over a year ago

North Yorkshire

This is a classic. Possessive and controlling. Wear this don't wear that. A son in Sicily. Maybe. Useful to have a son somewhere to pretend to visit while he spends a week with a woman in Newcastle. Can lead to abuse and violence and worse. The signs are there. Us fabbers are no spring chickens. We have been around the block. Being on fab gives lots of insights into inter-personal relationships. Delete this guy from your phone and block him. I suspect once he sees where you are coming from he will be hard to get rid of. Then you will get the full works. Like a poster suggested jeep a journal of what he does. Dates and times.

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By *reyyaMan
over a year ago

North Yorkshire

"This is a classic. Possessive and controlling. Wear this don't wear that. A son in Sicily. Maybe. Useful to have a son somewhere to pretend to visit while he spends a week with a woman in Newcastle. Can lead to abuse and violence and worse. The signs are there. Us fabbers are no spring chickens. We have been around the block. Being on fab gives lots of insights into inter-personal relationships. Delete this guy from your phone and block him. I suspect once he sees where you are coming from he will be hard to get rid of. Then you will get the full works. Like a poster suggested jeep a journal of what he does. Dates and times. "

If he has a key don't ask for it back just change the locks.

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By *nliveneTV/TS
over a year ago

Selby

I know someone living this very identical situation but he is not Italian but from Nigeria

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By *uck-RogersMan
over a year ago

Ocknell in camper

As the saying goes ! Treat them mean and keep them keen. Your hooked.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"One word.

Narcissist.

Second.

Run. "

That will only get worse. He cares for himself and is self servicing at your expense.

Sounds like a right piece of work. Get distance where possibly and the fog will clear and you will see

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By *innie The MinxWoman
over a year ago

Under the Duvet

"This going to sound mean but you seriously need to get a grip of your situation. You talk about needing to get your boundaries up but if you keep going back that's never going to happen.

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By *nliveneTV/TS
over a year ago

Selby

"Domeone who leaves you unhappy and confused should be given the boot. Life is too short to play games."

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By *wisted999Man
over a year ago

North Bucks

In simple terms.

Wants his cake and to eat it when he wants.

But doesn’t want to commit to his cake.

Doesn’t want anyone else looking at his cake though.

Red flag Annie.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have that book from when I did a programme called the freedom programme "

This is how I know the book. X

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By *eah BabyCouple
over a year ago

Cheshire, Windermere ,Cumbria

Run for the hills and don’t look back, it sounds to me like he’s a control freak and that will be followed by mental abuse, you know yourself he’s no good for you, so forget him and move on...quick!!

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By *hetalkingstoveMan
over a year ago

London

"Annie you are nearly 40.

This post sounds like it was written by a teenager - and I'm not sure any of them are genuine to be honest.

I've been here as long as you and I feel like these posts are tongue in cheek.

They must be!

If not then I wish you the best and hope you find what you're looking for.

Some people find relationships to be tricky at any age. There's no need to put them down or accuse them of faking whatsoever. We're not all wired the same.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like a gaslighting issue to me.

Get rid.

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By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Wandsworth

"Treat relationships like money. Never invest where there's a negative interest rate."

They get it.

You are the one in the relationship, what everyone else says does not matter.

Ask yourself what are positive and negative. More positive than negative or more negative than positive, there you will find your answer.

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By *DW1983Man
over a year ago

Aberdeen, Sheffield, Brighton

Considering the way most threads go, I'm surprised I got all the way through this one without the words "meeting during a pandemic" appearing from anyone.

It sounds like a bad situation all round and isn't going to get better. I have sympathy for both of you, he's lonely and depressed, you're being messed around by him, but whatever the causes, it needs nipping in the bud before it gets worse.

It's definitely not his place to start telling you things like how to dress, and he knew how you dress before you started seeing each other anyway. It was his choice to start seeing you knowing that, no reason to change how you dress.

And whether its his Scicilian background, whether he's a 'player' or whether its his own depression that's making him act like that, it doesn't really matter, it won't change the immediate outcome. What matters is how you move forward. Sounds like you're best done with him. Even if it is hard you need to draw the line and not let yourself cross it.

Remember though, you still have to see him at work, so do try to keep it as civil as possible otherwise it just makes things harder than they need to be.

It might be an unpopular opinion but banging on his door at 5am isn't the way to do it, nor the way to act. You're both grown ups, and it doesn't reflect well on you. At the end of the day, you're mad but its not the end of the world. Message him, talk privately, but don't air your dirty linen in public, it won't get him on your side and will just put other people's backs up (housemates, neighbours) at a time when you don't need to be making enemies.

I hope it all works out well for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd say there are few people on here who are in anyway professionally qualified to diagnose and label the behaviours in this tale, and let us calmly remember we are only hearing one side of the tale.

Annie, you posted about this guy before anything happened. He gave you fanny flutters but you felt it was risky. But, showing caution to the wind, you went for it. Fair play I say, as without risk we don't grow. So no issue there.

The arrangement looks complicated. A younger guy is getting the attention and affection of a sexy older lady. He enjoys it, you both enjoy it, but neither really wants to commit. Well, at least one really doesn't want to commit. Only you can decide if you want to continue with the arrangement. What advice would you give a friend or your child? In a court, you hear both sides of the argument and, crucially, follow the evidence. You have the evidence to follow Annie, so follow it.

I'm not excusing or condoning his behaviour. However, his bad behaviour doesn't excuse your bad behaviour. Rocking up to his house at 5:00am is some serious, bunny-boiling behaviour, and you should take time to examine why you did that, what you hoped to achieve by doing so, and how it reflects on you.

Any relationship is like lifting a large heavy object. Both people need to be equally matched and in tune with how things should proceed to make a successful lift.

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By *radleyandRavenCouple
over a year ago

Herts

In a nutshell, he's a jealous cunt playing mind games.

Cut your losses and RUN!

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By *.D.I.D.A.SMan
over a year ago

London/Essex... ish... Romford to be exact

Is this the final instalment in the trilogy series?

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By *icolerobbieCouple
over a year ago

walsall

"Is this the final instalment in the trilogy series? "

Or the final chapter in her book!

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By *ensual 2Couple
over a year ago

Blackpool

Learn the lesson....dont shit on your own door step

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By *undayTarkaMan
over a year ago

South West

What the fuck was that about!?"
seems like you need to sedate him and tie him ro the bed and get the sledge hammer out to gain back control, otherwise he's gonna grind you down knock yourself esteem and confidence out of you. Or even worse physical violence, bring him to his knees, usually start with balling the eyes out so you feel sorry for him. I know his kind, met them before in the past!

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By *rder66Man
over a year ago

Tatooine

"Is this the final instalment in the trilogy series? "
Yes, I've just notices her profile states she is writing book via the forums.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Is this the final instalment in the trilogy series? Yes, I've just notices her profile states she is writing book via the forums.

Or forumites are writing a book for her?

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By *k82Man
over a year ago

Walthamstow

What the fuck was that about!?"

Psychopath

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I feel like a fraud writing this book. Writing about red flags and having healthy boundaries, knowing when to walk away from things that don’t serve you so you avoid feeling shit but when I get in these situations I can’t even follow my own advice.

I went to the house because his phone was off and even if it was one of my girl mates that did that I’d be pissed off. Like he could easily have said no I don’t need a lift home and I would have gone home at 2am on the early finish. Not wait an extra 3 hours on the basis that he wanted a lift home when he had already left.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What the fuck was that about!?"

Drop him. I wouldn't tolerate that. I'd be done with him for not being able to make his mind up on what he wants in the first place. The stunt he pulled leaving you waiting on him..... I'd literally ignore his whole existence after that. And tell him he's a piece of...

And not be funny, but someone you work with is too close to home imo, you fall out with someone at work you have to face it thereafter, not worth it, you job should be a place where you don't get unnecessary crap outside of the job.

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By *adame 2SwordsWoman
over a year ago

Victoria, London

"One word.

Narcissist.

Second.

Run. "

I'd have to agree, walk away, you deserve better

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He sounds a dick so I’d leave his ass alone! He had his chance! You’re beautiful so his loss

However controlling you with games is the lowest thing ever!

Never mix work with pleasure also

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What the fuck was that about!?"

Wow... its all control, he wants you to himself but doesn't want a relationship, he wants to do what he wants.

You're his fuck buddy and that is it, when he wants it... I'm sorry but you have to get out of that situation.

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By *antra MassageMan
over a year ago

Galway

"You are both grown ups. You will do what you will do. In the meantime Fab Pop Psychology follows...

His:-

Depression, anxiety, homesick, jealousy, possessive

Triggers your own:-

need to support, reassure, nurture,

in turn to have someone care enough to be (a tiny bit) jealous, possessive and ultimately protect you so you don't have to work so dam hard on your own.

Verdict.(not diagnosis - Fab pop remember)

Perhaps you should find someone that doesnt need your emergency emotional support skills. They may be self-taught, and a credit to you, but do you really want to have a relationship based on them?

"There is always sun above a low cloud" and other truisms are available on tea-towels in the Fab gift shop as you leave.

Super response.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It looks to me like he is wanting to control you, he doesn't seem to care about your feelings at all and he just used you for sex.

Also he has no right to tell you what to wear !!

I'd break ALL contact with him, block his mobile number, ignore him at work etc.

Good luck xx

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

"I feel like a fraud writing this book. Writing about red flags and having healthy boundaries, knowing when to walk away from things that don’t serve you so you avoid feeling shit but when I get in these situations I can’t even follow my own advice.

Yeah but if you were one of his girl mates, you'd just say, "what a prick, I was waiting for him". Then maybe send him a moody text. You wouldn't go banging on their door at dawn!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I touched on this before in your posts about writing your book, and that was you don't have the qualifications to write the book, and so that book isn't going to have any real value proposition. With this thread which, if we are all being honest, is quite a simple situation, you don't have the inner strength and knowledge to deal with the situation. To be blunt, you need to have your own shit together before advising others on how to get their shit together. Your book idea would be best attempted as a blog. If you really feel you have a book in you, study, get qualifications, experience, and research the shit out of it. Don't have others write it for you.

Lets look at the 5:00am house visit. He didn't wait for you, he went home on his own, and in doing that he told you where you stood. What would you gain by knowing the ins and outs of it, at 5:00am, rather than waiting until the next time you'd see him? That you think its okay to potentially create a scene in a neighbourhood at 5:00am isn't ta positive takeaway from this Annie.

All meant in the kindest possible way.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yeah but if you were one of his girl mates, you'd just say, "what a prick, I was waiting for him". Then maybe send him a moody text. You wouldn't go banging on their door at dawn!!"

I have to agree with this, your behaviour here is just as bad.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Insecure, possessive and controlling.

This easily has the potential to become an abusive relationship.

You need to walk away.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes it does seem somewhat ironic. I’m enthralled by your lack of boundaries and inability to see red flags. Maybe you are really writing the book as a self-help guide for yourself?

The young man sounds very emotionally unstable and opportunistic even if he isn’t a narcissist. The emotional pull and push could be either intentional or unintentional, either way, you know what the healthy thing to do right now is. More importantly, as yourself how do I break the pattern?

I’m loathed to recommend things, because I don’t know you well enough, but maybe you might enjoy reading “Awakening the Heroes Within”, by Carol Pearson. Right now it seems to me like you need to be your own hero and working out where you are on that journey might help. Look for it within rather than outside you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 18/02/21 15:04:30]

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By *icolerobbieCouple
over a year ago

walsall

I am loving the second hand physiatrists diagnosis of someone they have never met.

He’s probably on a forum somewhere asking people for advice about a woman he met at work!

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By *reyyaMan
over a year ago

North Yorkshire

[Removed by poster at 18/02/21 15:20:48]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I am loving the second hand physiatrists diagnosis of someone they have never met.

He’s probably on a forum somewhere asking people for advice about a woman he met at work!"

And asking if anybody knows any good private security firms for rabbits!

If you've not picked up on this Annie, you really need to take a time out to look at what your 5:00am rage visit is telling you about yourself. His behaviour may not be perfect (we only have one side after all) but you've given yours, and it's not pretty.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I am loving the second hand physiatrists diagnosis of someone they have never met.

He’s probably on a forum somewhere asking people for advice about a woman he met at work!

And asking if anybody knows any good private security firms for rabbits!

Do you know how frustrating it is for me to think of that night again and know that I ignored all my first instincts. As soon as I could see he wasn’t being his usual attentive self I should have just gone home at 2am. All of my insides were saying just take the early finish.

Even after that when I found out he had already gone home my inner voice or whatever you call it was saying right he’s shown you that he didn’t want to see you he knew I would’ve been waiting for him so I should have just gone home and then if he’s capable of feeling guilt he would have been the only one in the wrong.

I’m already kicking myself for not following what I should have done.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I am loving the second hand physiatrists diagnosis of someone they have never met.

He’s probably on a forum somewhere asking people for advice about a woman he met at work!

And asking if anybody knows any good private security firms for rabbits!

I’m already kicking myself for not following what I should have done. "

Dont be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes and do things we know we shouldn’t.

It’s a useful learning curve is all.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A normal person who has respect for themselves and high levels of self worth would have said bollocks to this and just fucked him off.

I have nothing left inside me, my resources are completely depleted, I’ve had nothing but bad experience after bad experience with guys and each one takes a little bit more from me. I keep waiting for that moment where I turn cold and not tolerate any shit from anyone but it’s not happening. I’m completely soft inside and want to feel loved that is all.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I am loving the second hand physiatrists diagnosis of someone they have never met.

He’s probably on a forum somewhere asking people for advice about a woman he met at work!

And asking if anybody knows any good private security firms for rabbits!

I’m already kicking myself for not following what I should have done.

Dont be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes and do things we know we shouldn’t.

It’s a useful learning curve is all. "

But I’m not learning from it. I knew nothing good would come from turning up at his house. I knew it would make an already shit situation worse. I knew if he liked me at all still then going there would kill any of that but I still done it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe it's time to sit down and evaluate why you are behaving in the way that you have when it comes to this guy? I'm not saying this to be horrible, but I noticed in the last post that you were making excuses for him and completely ignoring red flags that those of us outside the situation could see. Usually when someone behaves like that, there's a reason. Low self esteem? Perhaps it is worth taking a step back and doing some serious self reflection?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I didnt read other comments than Sophies and would echo what she said.

Most important message from that story is: this is toxic. You don't need that, you don't need to lose your cool at 5am and knock on someone's door. That's not healthy. The messages he sends are confusing, manipulative and immature sounding. You really don't need this crap. Chose wisely.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What the fuck was that about!?"

It very much seems like it is all one sided, he can’t tell you that he wants it to be kept quiet and doesn’t want more than what it is, then next breathe telling you what to wear. As much as you clearly care about him you’re better off not in that scenario. The whole going home without telling you was petty behaviour and you’re better than that

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

YAZOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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By *imis3Woman
over a year ago

Dublin

"A normal person who has respect for themselves and high levels of self worth would have said bollocks to this and just fucked him off.

Monogamy orientated non hookup culture guys like this young bloke are the best candidates for the kind of love you say you crave OP.

Problem is you also seem to crave loads of sexual attention, freedom and opportunities to pursue hookup rush and admiration from guys that just want to bed you and have no interest in your feelings or personality. Not to mention you getting some kind of feed out of the dramas this creates.

It's simply a case of deciding what you want most ?

You can't have both. I know from experience

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’m already kicking myself for not following what I should have done. "

And the question you must answer honestly Annie is... "Why did I not follow what I should have done?" Here's the thing Annie, you may not be able to answer the question alone.

I mean this next bit with respect and kindness. Have you considered working with a counsellor to identify and resolve the issues you're facing with your life? From this and other forum threads, it sounds like it's time with a professional counsellor (rather than a fab forum) is something you would benefit from. PM me if you want to take it off-line.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I know I’ve got low self esteem, I know all the things wrong with me but it’s like how do you love yourself if you don’t believe it? Right I know I’m attractive and I have no issues with regards to my appearance or anything like that but my issues are all on the inside.

I will get over this and go back to being content with not speaking to or wanting to meet any guys because I’m frightened to.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

Crumpet Castle

"YAZOOOOOOOOOOOOO

You buying a car ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I will get over this and go back to being content with not speaking to or wanting to meet any guys because I’m frightened to.

You will get over it, speaking about it helps to stay strong

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

I have nothing to add except please for the love of God and all that is holy, sacred, and beautiful in this world stop quoting the OP first post in the thread, and edit down if you need to quote to a reply that has done so.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I will get over this and go back to being content with not speaking to or wanting to meet any guys because I’m frightened to. "

Annie, that's not the solution though, is it? You need to work on the issues behind low self esteem so you can go out there and grab the world with both hands and live your best life. The longer you leave it, the more regrets you'll have later down the road, and the more opportunities you'll miss.

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By *DW1983Man
over a year ago

Aberdeen, Sheffield, Brighton

Some good advice given in the posts above so I won't repeat it again in different words. I do keep coming back to one question here though. If this were a guy turning up at a woman's door at 5am, what would we say? I doubt it'd be anything nice. What happened happened but there's ways of reacting, and that to me is neither reasonable nor proportionate, by a long way. He has a responsibility to act right but so do you. It sounds like there's something deeper that needs addressing than just this guy's on-off attitude.

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By *ove2pleaseseukMan
over a year ago

Hastings

A female friend of mine was married to an Italian wow what a controlling guy he was he destroyed her confidence as a hair dresser and so she stoped working. Lacking her dependant on him. It was not until he had an affair with some one he worked with did she wake up to it all it has taken her ages to get back to work pre covid and get a property so she could have herd kids as he would not move out the family home.

Drop him and get your self worth back then when lockdown is done you will be in a good place to meet and find love.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

Crumpet Castle

"I have nothing to add except please for the love of God and all that is holy, sacred, and beautiful in this world stop quoting the OP first post in the thread, and edit down if you need to quote to a reply that has done so."

Tetchy pants.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"YAZOOOOOOOOOOOOO

You buying a car ?"

It's Annie's code word

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I’m already kicking myself for not following what I should have done.

And the question you must answer honestly Annie is... "Why did I not follow what I should have done?" Here's the thing Annie, you may not be able to answer the question alone.

I’m on a waiting list for CBT but I was referred in October 2019 and still waiting.

My sister is a psychotherapist and she says she has counselling herself every month. She said she can’t work with me but has said the childhood trauma we both experienced in different ways has fucked us both up and she reckons I had it worse than her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I will get over this and go back to being content with not speaking to or wanting to meet any guys because I’m frightened to.

Will you do anything differently when that phase passes?

Because inevitably it will.

It's not really living a life to make that a forever choice

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

Crumpet Castle

"YAZOOOOOOOOOOOOO

You buying a car ?

It's Annie's code word"

Ah ....

I think the car is Cazooooooooooo anyway. Is that advertising ?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

Crumpet Castle

Annie. Train to be a therapist. Do it online - get funding - help others.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A normal person who has respect for themselves and high levels of self worth would have said bollocks to this and just fucked him off.

Monogamy orientated non hookup culture guys like this young bloke are the best candidates for the kind of love you say you crave OP.

It's simply a case of deciding what you want most ?

You can't have both. I know from experience "

I absolutely don’t think I crave sexual attention or the hookup rush. One night stands or one off sexual experiences are things I do not want at all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’m already kicking myself for not following what I should have done.

And the question you must answer honestly Annie is... "Why did I not follow what I should have done?" Here's the thing Annie, you may not be able to answer the question alone.

I’m on a waiting list for CBT but I was referred in October 2019 and still waiting.

Have you looked into self help resources? I have similar problems and the mental health system around here is a joke, so I use books and journaling to try and get to the root of my problems and work through them. There are plenty of books on Amazon.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A female friend of mine was married to an Italian wow what a controlling guy he was he destroyed her confidence as a hair dresser and so she stoped working. "

I think to bring the guys nationality into it is a bit demeaning to the argument. The guy being controlling had probably got fuck all to do with him being Italian.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

Book by Mark Mason

The subtle are of not giving a fuck.

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By *agneto.Man
over a year ago

Bham

"A female friend of mine was married to an Italian wow what a controlling guy he was he destroyed her confidence as a hair dresser and so she stoped working.

I think to bring the guys nationality into it is a bit demeaning to the argument. The guy being controlling had probably got fuck all to do with him being Italian. "

100% agree.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’m on a waiting list for CBT but I was referred in October 2019 and still waiting.

Your sister is correct... a counsellor cannot be someone who knows you outside of the counselling room, so no, she cannot be your counsellor. However, she may well be correct that the childhood trauma you suffered is the root of your problems (most issues stem from a trauma of some sort)

CBT may not be the most appropriate way forward. Unfortunately, the NHS has very limited funds available for counselling, so what's offered is limited in time, which is not a good way to approach counselling. And part of the underfunding means your wait is probably going to be a lot longer. Sadly, you're looking at paying for it yourself. Does your employer have any assistance programs in place that might help.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Emotional control, just finish it there! ......Taxi!

We all control our emotions and have the ability to take control of any given situation. Move on from here and draw a line in the sand!

Regards A xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Walk away and don't look back.

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By *icolerobbieCouple
over a year ago

walsall

"Book by Mark Mason

The subtle are of not giving a fuck.

This 100%.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A normal person who has respect for themselves and high levels of self worth would have said bollocks to this and just fucked him off.

Monogamy orientated non hookup culture guys like this young bloke are the best candidates for the kind of love you say you crave OP.

It's simply a case of deciding what you want most ?

You can't have both. I know from experience

I absolutely don’t think I crave sexual attention or the hookup rush. One night stands or one off sexual experiences are things I do not want at all. "

I think what I took from that. Is you like the thrill of being chased, the extra attention of being pursued. From what I read on another post you made, you like to control when and if you see them, and dont seem to like when this is guy choices not to see you.

I could be wrong, You seem to need constant reassurance, from what I have read between the posts. Whether or not this filters across to a partner or just self soothing I dont know.

I think you really need to work on you more, if a healthy relationship is what you're looking for. See what patterns of behaviour you have that's preventing you from achieving what your looking to build. As others have said it's never really one sided, it helps to know what red flats to look for in toxic behaviour patterns in others, but we also need to look at our own to. Be it our behaviours being toxic to others or ourselves.

Really have a good boundary setting and dont allow for lines to get blurred, but most importantly talk to the person and have a really good understanding of what you both want and what you both feel the type of relationship you have is. Also not everyone is cut out for casual relationships and that's not a bad thing but dont put your expectation of the relationship on them and pretend to be ok with them not fulfilling that. Make the choice to walk away rather than putting up with something your not happy with.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The part about you never wear a bra but he didn’t like that so subconsciously you wore one. I think you already know all of the answers but just need reassuring to listen to your head and not your heart hence this post! If he “nearly loved” u or genuinely cared he would not wants to change or restrict you, only see you grow. Fuck him offffff

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By *imis3Woman
over a year ago

Dublin

"A normal person who has respect for themselves and high levels of self worth would have said bollocks to this and just fucked him off.

Monogamy orientated non hookup culture guys like this young bloke are the best candidates for the kind of love you say you crave OP.

It's simply a case of deciding what you want most ?

You can't have both. I know from experience

I absolutely don’t think I crave sexual attention or the hookup rush. One night stands or one off sexual experiences are things I do not want at all.

I could be wrong, You seem to need constant reassurance, from what I have read between the posts. Whether or not this filters across to a partner or just self soothing I dont know.

This is put much better than I was able to. No offense intended OP and you know yourself best. My experiences may have nothing in common with yours.

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By *hubaysiWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

He’s a controlling, childish, entitled t**t and you don’t need this attitude.

Bin him.

You deserve respect.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This sounds like you are both not emotionally in places ready to enhance each other’s lives. I would personally encourage you to try to understand yourself better on an emotional level, and work on that aspect. If there are things you keep doing that are negative, then learn to change those ways. Same process for any part of your approach. When you understand and master yourself, you will only let happiness and positives have the biggest control over you. There are various books, websites, forums and things around those, in addition to most things you can do to improve your mental and emotional resilience. The most short term comfort things often give a harder life, material thinking or emotional decisions are a classic context for that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I didnt read other comments than Sophies and would echo what she said.

I agree xxx

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By *ove2pleaseseukMan
over a year ago

Hastings

"I’m on a waiting list for CBT but I was referred in October 2019 and still waiting.

If it was chiled abuse you can with a referral get help from the NSPCC they have some very good counsellors and just cos your not a young person you can still get help

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By *lice MaliceWoman
over a year ago

The Facility

Run.

Away.

Fast.

The red flag's being brandished like the chequered flag at a F1 race.

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By * and R cple4Couple
over a year ago

swansea

I think the majority of these comments aimed at a 23 year old where no one besides the op know the truth extremely harsh.I see a lot of red flags on both sides to be fair.

I’m not sure exactly what you expected or wanted from a 23 year old but it’s obvious from your previous posts on this subject that your not happy.Chalk it off as a bad experience and get on with your life.

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By *orthern StarsCouple
over a year ago

Durham

Do you really need all the drama? He sounds a total prick and is messing with your feelings and your head.

Tell him you want nothing more to do with him.

He really doesn't sound like he deserves any more of your thoughts, time or effort.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I am loving the second hand physiatrists diagnosis of someone they have never met.

He’s probably on a forum somewhere asking people for advice about a woman he met at work!

And asking if anybody knows any good private security firms for rabbits!

I’m already kicking myself for not following what I should have done.

Dont be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes and do things we know we shouldn’t.

It’s a useful learning curve is all.

Could you make the decision to not get involved with any men for a time period, say 6 months, and commit to working on your boundaries, or whatever you feel you need to work on?

I wonder if taking a step back for a while might help?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He’s a controlling, childish, entitled t**t and you don’t need this attitude.

Bin him.

You deserve respect.

If HE came banging on HER door at 5:00am, what would you be saying?

Respect is due to both sides, and the OPs actions should be condemned by all. She needs to sort her own shit out also, and not go around creating doorstep dramas at other peoples houses just before dawn.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Is me going there at 5 am worse than him telling me he couldn’t possibly take the early finish cos he doesn’t have the hours plus he was being trained on a different job but then going home early anyway yet telling me to stay the extra 3 hours for me to take him home?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Is me going there at 5 am worse than him telling me he couldn’t possibly take the early finish cos he doesn’t have the hours plus he was being trained on a different job but then going home early anyway yet telling me to stay the extra 3 hours for me to take him home? "

Yes.

Move on. Get a grip.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's just different, but going to a shared house at 0500 venting (worse during covid) really isn't good nor entirely rational behaviour though!

Just hold your head up and calmly walk away with dignity! It hurts, life hurts, lessons learned are good lessons - we grow from them.

But don't do drama, don't cause drama, otherwise we invite drama into our lives!

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By *emorefridaCouple
over a year ago

La la land

Yes, his actions impacted you alone. Your actions impacted people outside of your relationship. I'd be fuming if I was one of his housemates.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The more you analyse things without learning and reflectively living beyond this kind of behaviour, the more drama you shall encounter and invite.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Absolutely yes. Him not tell you something that inconvenienced you and upset, isnt that same as angrily banging at a door to have it out. particularly at 3 o'clock in the morning, not just alarmingly to him, his housemate, but also neighbour's.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

Yes.

Move on. Get a grip."

I'd not say worse than, both are just as bad as each other, in different ways. One was a prickish thing to do in the first place, the other was a prickish reaction to what was done.

He chose to be a prick, he got a reaction.

However I agree with you in the move on department.

Bottom line to all this really is shit or get off the toilet.

If you still want more, or at the least something with him, sit down talk about what it is you both want with set limits.

If you are done with him, then be done and cut all ties. Ignore (civilized) all advances from him in future. Feel free to acknowledge him in work but that's about it.

There really is no additional ways to go about it. No mentally healthy ways at least.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Has Jeremy Kyle posted yet?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

Crumpet Castle

"Has Jeremy Kyle posted yet?

Well ...... he's a bit disgraced at the moment ......

Oprah's nipped in twice. Trisha only once.....

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By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

He acted in really shit way towards you. It seems he will continue to act hot and cold towards you.

It's hard to let go when you want somebody but I strongly advise you do. Try to stay strong and just treat him like any other colleague. This is not somebody you want to get caught up with. Luke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You shouldn't have even offered to wait around for him after how he had behaved towards you that night. Hot & cold, it's manipulation and cruel behaviour.

Is he telling you what you want to hear by inviting you to share his life & meet his family/friends? If I were you I'd forget him. Be civil at work but that's it. Block him on all forms of social media if you have him there and just give yourself some care and love. Realise he wasn't right for you, and there's no point wasting time on someone like that. 3

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By *orthern StarsCouple
over a year ago

Durham

Yes it's much worse.

You should of just gone home, let yourself calm down and talk about it another time. Banging on a door at 5am doesn't show you in good light.

Reading between the lines on your various different forum threads, it seems you go from one drama to another. It must be emotionally exhausting for you. Not saying the dramas are always your fault but I'm sure you don't need it. Could you try just taking a total break and find some true inner happiness within yourself, and then perhaps think about a relationship.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Has Jeremy Kyle posted yet?

Glad someone’s mental anguish amuses you.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Slowly turn the screws t’other way and distance yourself from him.

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By *hubaysiWoman
over a year ago

Leeds

"A normal person who has respect for themselves and high levels of self worth would have said bollocks to this and just fucked him off.

Oh honey you’ve just met the wrong men that’s all. Try not to hate yourself over this. You did what you did so learn from it. Put you first, not them, you’re the most important person here, try to learn to love yourself a bit more. Of course you want to feel loved, most of us do. Don’t let this guy get to you, yes easier said than done but he doesn’t deserve you. You will find love when you least expect it. Sending hugs

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yes it's much worse.

You should of just gone home, let yourself calm down and talk about it another time. Banging on a door at 5am doesn't show you in good light.

I was minding my own business. Hadn’t spoken to a guy in any type of capacity for 7 months, I knew I had issues. When he asked for my number I wasn’t even that interested at first and thought that due to his age being significantly younger, the fact he was short (yes I know that’s shallow) the fact he didn’t drive, the fact he told me he had a room in a shared house (again I know that’s shallow) I didn’t possibly think that this person would have the capacity to hurt me.

I enjoyed the company and the cuddling with him and knowing that we both work in the same place and have the same tests every 5 days to check we’re COVID free plus the fact we work together anyway I thought he was just a cute complimentary guy that made me feel good when I was around him. Didn’t even think it was possible to start having feelings for him. Dunno if they are real feelings or more my terrible ability to handle rejection of any kind.

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By *orthern StarsCouple
over a year ago

Durham

"Yes it's much worse.

You should of just gone home, let yourself calm down and talk about it another time. Banging on a door at 5am doesn't show you in good light.

This relationship malarkey isn't smooth running us it. The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself though. You need to look after that first and foremost. I hope you get your counselling soon and that it helps you find a happier place. It may be worth going private instead of waiting for the NHS. Investment in yourself is very worthwhile.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I’ve just been researching some private counsellors that my sister recommended, I’ve spoken to the one that stood out to me and will be having my first session in 2 weeks. Should have done this myself a lot sooner, I think nothing of paying £500 for a tattoo but begrudged paying for something that will actually make me feel better.

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By *.D.I.D.A.SMan
over a year ago

London/Essex... ish... Romford to be exact

I think online private CBT or some other broader or more focused talking therapy is probably a good step. I imagine all appointments these days are via Zoom etc anyway and rates are probably reduced to reflect this. You recognise that you have some issues you need to deal with which would need a professional to help you unravel. Otherwise you will find yourself going round in circles despite all your best intentions in stopping this cycle. Withdrawing from intimate human interactions are only a short term measure.

I recognise a lot of my own past behaviours and thought processes in yours. Patronising contributions aside, which I apologise for, I do empathise and I hope you are able to move forward and find a positive, healthy relationship with yourself and thus others in the future.

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By *.D.I.D.A.SMan
over a year ago

London/Essex... ish... Romford to be exact

"I’ve just been researching some private counsellors that my sister recommended, I’ve spoken to the one that stood out to me and will be having my first session in 2 weeks. Should have done this myself a lot sooner, I think nothing of paying £500 for a tattoo but begrudged paying for something that will actually make me feel better.

This is the same debate I had with somebody once who would spend freely on frivolity yet loathed to invest on herself. Good luck OP

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That’s amazing, and a big step

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By *orthern StarsCouple
over a year ago

Durham

A massive well done to you. That's a very big step in the right direction. Hope you soon see the benefits, though it isn't a 5 minute fix. Good luck with it all.

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By *oxychicWoman
over a year ago

Nottinghamshire

My oh my what a read

Wake up and smell the coffee , get out before you get even more involved, and why would you run your shift round him ? Do what you have to do but stop putting him first , he obviously dont you

I run as fast as u could in the opposite direction if i was u x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think online private CBT or some other broader or more focused talking therapy is probably a good step. I imagine all appointments these days are via Zoom etc anyway and rates are probably reduced to reflect this."

The OP is now (not before time) researching counselling and can get guidance from a qualified family member. I think when it comes to mental health we should let those experts determine the type and nature of counselling most suited to Annie’s needs.

Many councillors are still working face to face, and a zoom session may not be any less expensive. The investment could potentially turn Annie’s life around, and I hope it does.

I’m glad Annie has taken the first step in resolving her issues, I wish her a successful outcome, and feel that we should now let this thread rest. If the OP wants to talk offline she is welcome to PM me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

The most bizarre thing is I’m still hopeful that he’s not done with me. Even though I know the situation isn’t good for me at all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The most bizarre thing is I’m still hopeful that he’s not done with me. Even though I know the situation isn’t good for me at all. "

Annie, you’re worth more than this. He’s making you doubt and question yourself. You are better than him.

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By *oxychicWoman
over a year ago

Nottinghamshire

"The most bizarre thing is I’m still hopeful that he’s not done with me. Even though I know the situation isn’t good for me at all. "
u need to think more of yourself , your worth more than that

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By *iamondCougarWoman
over a year ago

Norfuck! / Lincolnshire

"The most bizarre thing is I’m still hopeful that he’s not done with me. Even though I know the situation isn’t good for me at all. "

Annie you can’t expect the Fab community to keep supporting you if you continue down this road to nowhere. I think perhaps this time you personally over stepped the mark by your impulsive actions. If you keep going back for more you’re just fooling yourself.

Pick up yourself respect and let it go for the last time

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The most bizarre thing is I’m still hopeful that he’s not done with me. Even though I know the situation isn’t good for me at all. "

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

It doesn't matter how many times you put your hand in the fire, it's always going to burn.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The most bizarre thing is I’m still hopeful that he’s not done with me. Even though I know the situation isn’t good for me at all. "

I'm not going down the 'you're worth more than that' route because clearly you don't think you are ... but all you're posting will just make everyone believe that you're behaving more like a drama queen and creating your own mess! Where's the throw your arms in the air emoji when you need it?

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By *.D.I.D.A.SMan
over a year ago

London/Essex... ish... Romford to be exact

"The most bizarre thing is I’m still hopeful that he’s not done with me. Even though I know the situation isn’t good for me at all.

Boy who cried wolf springs to mind...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

If it reads like I’m a drama queen it’s purely because I give all the facts. I don’t play down my parts to make myself look better. I say exactly what I did and said and say exactly what he did and said, by giving all the information people can give appropriate advice. I could easily have left out the part where I said I was banging on his front door at 5am, and although no other occupants or neighbours were aware, he answered the door straight away as his room is downstairs by the front door, I still shouldn’t have gone there.

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By *ouanna JoWoman
over a year ago

A little village

Hi Annie. If you’re looking into private therapy can I recommend that you look up Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT). From some of the things you describe having difficultly with, I think this might be something you’d find helpful. It’s a different approach to CBT, more focussed on relationship difficulties and early trauma. There should be private therapists in your local area. Not sure if that’s helpful at all, but I wanted to recommend it, as I’ve seen it have really positive outcomes for people with similar difficulties to those you describe.

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By *opsy RogersWoman
over a year ago

London

"If it reads like I’m a drama queen it’s purely because I give all the facts. I don’t play down my parts to make myself look better. I say exactly what I did and said and say exactly what he did and said, by giving all the information people can give appropriate advice. I could easily have left out the part where I said I was banging on his front door at 5am, and although no other occupants or neighbours were aware, he answered the door straight away as his room is downstairs by the front door, I still shouldn’t have gone there. "

Ok, over the years,you've ignored the same advice over and over again,from the same people on your multiple threads with a similar topic.

What would you like us to say?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A female friend of mine was married to an Italian wow what a controlling guy he was he destroyed her confidence as a hair dresser and so she stoped working.

I think to bring the guys nationality into it is a bit demeaning to the argument. The guy being controlling had probably got fuck all to do with him being Italian. "

Well said, was going to say the same thing. His being Italian has no bearing on his attitude and attributes.

I can only imagine the replies if it was the British that were being generalised.

Annie, you know deep down this guy is trash, you just need to hear it from others.

Get him gone and concentrate on you. You owe it to yourself

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ok, over the years,you've ignored the same advice over and over again,from the same people on your multiple threads with a similar topic.

What would you like us to say?"

I don’t know but being frustrated with me doesn’t help when I’m already frustrated with myself for fucking things up over and over again. I don’t like feeling this crippling sadness I get when shit happens. It impacts every area of my life, from being the best mother I can be to stupid shit like wanting to do my own dishes or even brush my hair. I know I’m annoying. I don’t need to have it pointed out all the time that I’m a fuck up.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Liverpool

Ok, over the years,you've ignored the same advice over and over again,from the same people on your multiple threads with a similar topic.

What would you like us to say?"

It essentially comes down to this and reads less about drama queen and more doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

The help is what you need, and it's great you are looking in to getting it. But when people give advice and it fails to be taken continually, or excuses given then they eventually lose sympathy or empathy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

this is possibly a bit blunt, but from previous posts and this thread it really does seem as clear cut a situation as this

you are giving relationship privileges to a wee boy that doesn’t want to commit to you what did you expect?

surely not maturity

learn the lessons you should have learned in your 20s - a cuddle and an orgasm are not worth your self respect, stop sleeping with him , stop planning your work schedule round him, let him work out his own arrangements to get to and from work , wear what underwear you want to wear , stop expecting a 22 year old to be mature, stop expecting someone who has said they don’t want a relationship to treat you with the respect of a relationship, stop torturing yourself by trying to work out the whims of a horny 22 year old, find someone else worth your time and effort

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