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You're a joker.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Can some of you lighten the day with some jokes.. get everyone smiling.

I got one... what do you call a leabian dinosaur.....

A lickalotofpus

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd tell you the one about the wall, but you'd never get over it

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By *imply_SensualMan
over a year ago

warrington

I walked up to a woman in a bar once, got chatting and told her I could tell her when she was born just by touching her tits....

After about 30 seconds of me fondling them, she got impatient and said "go on then, when was I born?"

I smiled and just said "Yesterday"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the cum cross the road?

Because the chicken stole my sock

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what do you call someone with a banana in one ear and an orange in the other

anything you want they cant hear you

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I'd tell you the one about the wall, but you'd never get over it "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I walked up to a woman in a bar once, got chatting and told her I could tell her when she was born just by touching her tits....

After about 30 seconds of me fondling them, she got impatient and said "go on then, when was I born?"

I smiled and just said "Yesterday" "

certainly stealing this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a dream last night that I weighed almost nothing.

I woke up and was like, 0mg.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you tell the difference between a Weasel and a stoat?

One is Weasily recognisable, the other is stoatily different......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I had a dream last night that I weighed almost nothing.

I woke up and was like, 0mg."

I had a dream last night I was eating a giant marshmallow.

I woke up and my pillow had gone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 17/02/21 16:15:29]

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OK... go with me on this one.

What do you call an 80s music fan who does his housework at night with a bird of prey on each shoulder?

Hawk Kestrel man hoovers in the dark!

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By *ecretlivesCouple
over a year ago

FABWatch HQ

Heard about the Irish Lesbian Vampire?

One week a month she was up at the crack of Dawn

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

if walnut's are grown on a wall

pine nuts are grown on a pine tree

what have you got if you have nuts on your chin

a cock in your mouth

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?

Here's another:-

Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it's mustard."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would, but I'm terrible at telling jokes. I always punch up the fuck line.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?

Here's another:-

Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it's mustard." "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I would, but I'm terrible at telling jokes. I always punch up the fuck line. "

I'd like to punch up a fuck line too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the worst thing about being a solipsist?

Being the only person who gets your jokes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what do you call a Mexican dwarf prostitute?

cuntz-way-low

I'll get my coat.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.

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By *ooBulMan
over a year ago

Missin’ Yo’ Kissin’

Phoned the NHS line today and said, “I’m having a real problem getting an erection.”

“Well we’re here to help you as much as we can sir,” the woman replied.

“Great!” I burst out. “What colour knickers are you wearing?”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I always wanted to be an Architect... Until I realised what a long drawn out process it was

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What do you call 500 penguins in times square..........lost

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I always wanted to be an Architect... Until I realised what a long drawn out process it was "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to the car this morning, but it wouldn't start. Opened the bonnet and noticed a bat sitting on the engine. The bat looked at me and said, "You look great"

I nodded and replied, "As I thought, it's a bat flattery"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I went to the car this morning, but it wouldn't start. Opened the bonnet and noticed a bat sitting on the engine. The bat looked at me and said, "You look great"

I nodded and replied, "As I thought, it's a bat flattery"

"

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By *nna WulfWoman
over a year ago

Wandsworth


"I had a dream last night that I weighed almost nothing.

I woke up and was like, 0mg."

This.Is.Awesome.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just seen a bloke selling Oxford vaccine.

£2 each or three for a Pfizer

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Just seen a bloke selling Oxford vaccine.

£2 each or three for a Pfizer "

Ffs

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By *ereagainlolMan
over a year ago

Lerwick

Albatross and a penguin, Albatross says, they named a biscuit after you. Penguin says, why would they call a biscuit George

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe


"I walked up to a woman in a bar once, got chatting and told her I could tell her when she was born just by touching her tits....

After about 30 seconds of me fondling them, she got impatient and said "go on then, when was I born?"

I smiled and just said "Yesterday"

------

certainly stealing this "

Stealing it... I'll be trying it after lockdown.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I walked up to a woman in a bar once, got chatting and told her I could tell her when she was born just by touching her tits....

After about 30 seconds of me fondling them, she got impatient and said "go on then, when was I born?"

I smiled and just said "Yesterday"

------

certainly stealing this

Stealing it... I'll be trying it after lockdown."

I can't be on anymore registers tho so I can't try it......

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By *ovestruck69Man
over a year ago

Southampton

Daughter see's a horse in a field and says daddy I want to ride that horse, so dad says I'll get u a helmet and jodhpur's, then the daughter says not like that daddy!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What comes after 69?

MOUTHWASH X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tiger Woods pulls into a Garage for petrol in the latest top of the range Merc.vThe pump attendant is admiring the car when he notices 2 Plastic spikey things on the passenger seat. Confused he asks Tiger What the hell are those things. Tiger replies they are for resting my balls on when I drive off. Fuck me replies the attendant Mercedes really do think of everything

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A tyrannosorearse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the m&m wanna go to school?

Because it wanted to be a Smartie.

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By *UCKiliketofuckMan
over a year ago

kettering

What’s pink flat and smells of pussy

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By *UCKiliketofuckMan
over a year ago

kettering

What’s green and a flick of a switch turns red...

A Frog in a liquidiser

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By *nexperiencedman1Man
over a year ago

Cambridge

2 nuns sat in a car in transylvania at night

A vampire jumps on the bonnet

One nun says to the other , quick show him your cross

At that the other nun shouts

Get off my fucking car

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are men like diapers?

They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.

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By *ereagainlolMan
over a year ago

Lerwick


"I walked up to a woman in a bar once, got chatting and told her I could tell her when she was born just by touching her tits....

After about 30 seconds of me fondling them, she got impatient and said "go on then, when was I born?"

I smiled and just said "Yesterday"

------

certainly stealing this

Stealing it... I'll be trying it after lockdown.

I can't be on anymore registers tho so I can't try it...... "

I have a friend that I've had sex with before and she was at mine last night just for a chat. So I told her I could tell her what day she was born by feeling her tits, oh yeah she said, prove it. So without any thought she lifted her top and bra and let me feel her tits. I did so for about 30 seconds or so and she asked ok then, to which I replied yesterday. She nearly slapped me before seeing the funny side, but I couldn't believe how gullible she really was lol.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Gutted the wife has left me!

She’s took the Sky Box and all my Bob Marley records too.

No woman no Sky

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

Prisoner - I am cold.

Guard - Ok I will put another bar on.

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By *naquest321Man
over a year ago

Carlisle

What do you call a Russian prostitute?

Knickersoffalot.

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By *naquest321Man
over a year ago

Carlisle

What do you call a Russian Gay?

Suckabollockoff

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’ve just released my own fragrance.

No one in the the car seemed to like it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I met an old woman at the ATM and she asked me to check her balance..... So i pushed her over

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A sadist was walking down the street one day when he accidentally ran into a fellow who had just stepped out of a grocery store knocking him to the ground. The sadist was apologizing profusely while he helped the unfortunate shopper to his feet and aided him in gathering his groceries, now strewn all over the sidewalk.

The shopper began telling the sadist that his scrapes and bruises were no problem since he was a masochist and enjoyed pain.

Upon learning this news, the sadist asked the masochist if he would like to accompany him home for some fun and games. I'm a sadist you see.

The masochists' eyes lit up and he quickly agreed.

After reaching the home of the sadist the masochist was practically beside himself with anticipation. He nearly swooned as the sadist shackled him in a corner and walked to the opposite wall where a cat of nine tails was hanging and took it from its perch.

The masochist was now trembling with anticipation and asked; "Are you going to beat me with that?"

The sadist, with a gleam in his eye, answered; "NO"

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