FabSwingers.com forum: How do you pull back when you’re interested?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I’ve been searching online best part of the morning for some clear tips and hints on this but they all start to explain and then try and forward you to buying some shit downloadable format that you need to pay for and I ain’t doing that.

Here’s the scenario now I dunno if this is just something some experience but it’s a pretty universal thing to happen.

Guy gets interested in you, you’re not sure about him so you’re naturally not arsed about him. If he messages, fine you respond but you’re not really bothered. He asks to see you, you’re genuinely busy so suggest another time. But then you start spending time with him, okay so you start to fancy him more. See him a few more times when he initiates it. Start liking him more. Get intimate, then you start to initiate shit like when you’ll meet again. Guy starts to back off.

It’s like as soon as they know you’re interested in them they pull back and stop putting the effort in.

So my question is to the men folk.

Whilst things are still salvageable and before the woman gets clingy cos she can sense you pulling away, what things make you do a 180 and start putting effort in again?

Like what things drive you mad about women, make you miss them and want to see them?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is there not an answer to this in your book?

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

I'm not a bloke but stop with the games. If someone loses interest when you start to like them too then it's not going to work. I've been there myself when someone I'm not even that into moves on or calls things off and suddenly you find yourself wanting to chase after them to win them back as its a dent to your pride but I know I'll soon end up bored again. If it's something worth seeing through they won't get bored once they've got you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think some men quite like the chase and get off on you trying to fancy them back. They also half expect it to never happen so when you do initiate it, it can be a shock to the system.

I know that if it ever happened to me, I may pull away because I don't want to do something to fuck it up. I have them in a position where they like me back and as a result, I'm in unfamiliar territory and go back into my shell. Can't speak for all men but I don't do it on purpose. It just happens...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You’re overthinking again.

If you feel like you’re chasing then step back a little, be patient and wait for him to make contact occasionally.

If you do social media which I know you do then update some pictures with some that you feel you look gorgeous in, change your WhatsApp pic for new pretty smiley one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just ask the bloke what the craic is, cut the bullshit, the games, asking random people on here, no one knows your situation, no one knows what he’s thinking, life’s too fucking short, ask him, what’s the worst than can happen, don’t over think it, message him say you want to speak on the phone, lay it out on the line, but do it in a light and breezy manner, then you will find your answers instead of asking a bunch of random strangers who no nothing of your relationship with him.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"You’re overthinking again.

If you feel like you’re chasing then step back a little, be patient and wait for him to make contact occasionally.

If you do social media which I know you do then update some pictures with some that you feel you look gorgeous in, change your WhatsApp pic for new pretty smiley one.

He’s not on any social media at all.

Just can’t believe I’m feeling this stupid shit again. I was all strong and like nothing is gonna bother me but last night I got my phone at of my bag to see if he had messaged back! Bad sign that I’m getting interested.

Like he’s probably fine and not thinking about anything at all. His last message to me he still calls me ‘my love’.

Right so I just need to step back. Take my own advice. Don’t initiate anything and I’ll know either way.

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By *_DirectorMan
over a year ago

Middle of somewhere

Choosing the wrong men then .... if I’m interested I only want more and more

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I’m probably just overthinking it as usual. Just wish I could sustain that same level of nonchalance that I have in the beginning when I start to get interested. Like in the start I wasn’t bothered if he messaged me and he wasn’t a big texter anyway. I see him 3 x a week in work and all his communication has been in person, example if I’m with him Monday he’ll say he wants to see me Wednesday, I see him Wednesday he asks when I can see him again and I tell him and then see him on that day.

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By * Sophie xTV/TS
over a year ago

Derby

All genders can do this so it's not badmouthing any specific gender.

It can be that while you have been all aloof and not bothered about the guy who has been chasing you, you have not shown yourself in all aspects and there could have been things about you he had not seen before that would have put him off.

Come the time you realise you like him more than you thought so you start to open up and he sees parts of you that he finds out don't work with him then he may/will start to back away.

It happens and its not specific to gender, you can find things about a person a year or more down the line that put you off.

It doesn't have to be a part of the chase at all and may simply be a part of the getting to know you process.

I've had it happen to me both way round so it's not a man or woman thing, just the way it can turn out.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Like I don’t know why I’m feeling this stupid anxiety feeling. Nothing is wrong really, he’s already said he wants to stay over Thursday and Saturday night (our nights off) I’m just looking for stuff to feel bad about, I can’t stop these stupid thoughts. Like last time in work he didn’t sit with me on break like he normally did but then came over twice to where I was working to speak to me and normally I go back to his for an hour after work but last time he didn’t ask me to. Now this could’ve been loads of reasons, his house was a mess, he could’ve needed a shit when he got in, could’ve just been shattered cos it is 5am when we finish.

I just overthink things.

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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago

South Wales

"I’m probably just overthinking it as usual. Just wish I could sustain that same level of nonchalance that I have in the beginning when I start to get interested. Like in the start I wasn’t bothered if he messaged me and he wasn’t a big texter anyway. I see him 3 x a week in work and all his communication has been in person, example if I’m with him Monday he’ll say he wants to see me Wednesday, I see him Wednesday he asks when I can see him again and I tell him and then see him on that day. "

Then leave it at that. Getting hung up on texts and stuff won’t do you any good. If he expresses an interest in person then that is far better than being bombarded with messages.

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By *eoeclipseWoman
over a year ago

glasgow

you need to speak to him & find out where he is as someone said do it in a light manner...

I've had the same recently...increasingly went more & more radio silent but when I eventually got to speak to him it's all to do medical issues he's struggling with...basically the typical men not wanting to admit their struggles especially if it involves aspects of mental health.

so it's not even anything to do with me personally, other than he doesn't want me to see him like that.

you have to speak to him & find out where he is and let him know where you are (if he's mentally capable of it atm)...otherwise just listen & reassure him, you'll need to hold back for a bit 'til he recovers if that's the case..just be a friend.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't bother with him.

If you sense he's stepping back then give him that space. If he's genuinely into you he will make the effort. If he doesn't then don't give him another thought and move on.

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By *aitonelMan
over a year ago

Travelling

"I'm not a bloke but stop with the games. If someone loses interest when you start to like them too then it's not going to work. I've been there myself when someone I'm not even that into moves on or calls things off and suddenly you find yourself wanting to chase after them to win them back as its a dent to your pride but I know I'll soon end up bored again. If it's something worth seeing through they won't get bored once they've got you. "

Having been on both sides of this I fully agree. Its not always something you see happening but yes, if there is this type of back and forth mind game then no matter how much you want it to work, it will end badly for you, him, or both.

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By *acey_RedWoman
over a year ago

Liverpool

"Like I don’t know why I’m feeling this stupid anxiety feeling. Nothing is wrong really, he’s already said he wants to stay over Thursday and Saturday night (our nights off) I’m just looking for stuff to feel bad about, I can’t stop these stupid thoughts. Like last time in work he didn’t sit with me on break like he normally did but then came over twice to where I was working to speak to me and normally I go back to his for an hour after work but last time he didn’t ask me to. Now this could’ve been loads of reasons, his house was a mess, he could’ve needed a shit when he got in, could’ve just been shattered cos it is 5am when we finish.

I just overthink things. "

Also things are often intense in the beginning in a way that is hard to maintain long term as at some point you need to resume the normal things you did in live before you met each other as well as see each other. If he's spending both his nights off with you then he's giving you a large chunk of his free time. Maybe you're just scared of history repeating itself from previous experiences so reading too much into it.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

I've screamed at my phone before (numerous times) "will ya just fuck off" when I've heard it pinging.

Now in truth I don't want the person to actually fuck off. But what I need at that point is some quiet time. I don't wanna see that meme I've just been sent coz I'm not in that kind of mood, I don't wanna see what you've cooked for tea coz right now I couldn't actually give a fuck, I don't wanna know the daily death toll coz I'm simply trying to do nothing, or I'm trying to do something... and my phone keep bloody pinging every damn time my fucking hands enter the washing up water is making a simple job a fucking brain melter!

It's like my brain is thinking "this isn't you time....it's ME time, please allow me that small sacrifice"

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

But as far as the pulling back goes, that seems like ovethinking and mind games. Like trying to be someone you ain't.

If you're full on, you're full on.

If you're reserved, you're reserved.

It's not sport, it's human nature and that varies from human to human.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I genuinely think it’s a loss of control thing. Like in the start it’s like yeah he’s initiating everything, I decide if I’ll see him or not but then when I feel myself wanting to spend time with them I feel like I’m becoming reliant on them kind of thing, almost like I can sense that if it stopped it’s gonna make me bothered and I don’t like knowing that someone has the potential to make me feel shit.

Like I’m like this because he didn’t message me last night when in the beginning he didn’t even message me on his only night off that didn’t coincide with mine. He worked the previous night and working tonight so he could’ve been doing anything, cleaning, sleeping, catching up with friends. He’s giving me his nights off where I’m off as well. When he’s with me it’s my love this and my love that, he’s attentive and always says when we can meet again so I genuinely don’t know why i feel this dread feeling.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

You can stop those stupid thoughts. It's shit being an overthinker at times. And caring and worrying and everything else that goes with it. Stop though. Do other things that occupy your time. Mute notifications so your heart doesn't do that little leap of expectant joy and the oh after, busy yourself in cleaning or organising or something really mundane. The anxious feeling will fade but if you keep giving it a chance to grow it will only get worse.

And once you're past this - talk to him. We don't know the nuances of your dynamic, it's all speculation here. Maybe don't share your overthinking - at best he'll think you're batshit crazy.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I genuinely think it’s a loss of control thing. Like in the start it’s like yeah he’s initiating everything, I decide if I’ll see him or not but then when I feel myself wanting to spend time with them I feel like I’m becoming reliant on them kind of thing, almost like I can sense that if it stopped it’s gonna make me bothered and I don’t like knowing that someone has the potential to make me feel shit.

I do understand that. I've been there and for me I've chosen the non relationship route for the foreseeable. The worry and second guessing due to being shat on in the past just isn't worth it.

I know it'll end up making me crazy or driving them away with suspicion anyway and that's not fair on either party, so I'm not taking the risk.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You need a distraction!!

Find something to occupy your time and then you won't be 'waiting' for contact

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By *oxychicWoman
over a year ago

Nottinghamshire

turn your WhatsApp message to mute if thats were your talking so your not waiting for him to message, distract your self watch a film go for walks read a good book but dont make him the centre of your world not yet x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"turn your WhatsApp message to mute if thats were your talking so your not waiting for him to message, distract your self watch a film go for walks read a good book but dont make him the centre of your world not yet x"

AHAAA....! Now it all makes sense

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Isn't this your answer. He hasn't changed, you have. He isn't a big texter and he will no doubt chat when you see him. Don't panic.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You're scared he's going to dump you in a shitty way like everyone else did. He might or he might not. Worry about it when it happens.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I’ve been searching online best part of the morning for some clear tips and hints on this but they all start to explain and then try and forward you to buying some shit downloadable format that you need to pay for and I ain’t doing that.

Here’s the scenario now I dunno if this is just something some experience but it’s a pretty universal thing to happen.

It’s like as soon as they know you’re interested in them they pull back and stop putting the effort in.

So my question is to the men folk.

Whilst things are still salvageable and before the woman gets clingy cos she can sense you pulling away, what things make you do a 180 and start putting effort in again?

Like what things drive you mad about women, make you miss them and want to see them?"

It sounds like you've experienced a dose of your own medicine and don't like it. Funny that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've screamed at my phone before (numerous times) "will ya just fuck off" when I've heard it pinging.

It's like my brain is thinking "this isn't you time....it's ME time, please allow me that small sacrifice" "

Why stress about a ping, just turn it to silence if you want time out.

You can set your phone to still ring with certain numbers

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By *ad NannaWoman
over a year ago

East London

My buddy of 11 years can receive my text and not reply for a week or more. Men are like that.

He's still obsessed with me.

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

"I've screamed at my phone before (numerous times) "will ya just fuck off" when I've heard it pinging.

It's like my brain is thinking "this isn't you time....it's ME time, please allow me that small sacrifice"

Why stress about a ping, just turn it to silence if you want time out.

You can set your phone to still ring with certain numbers

Because I'm one of those people who isn't very good at ignoring things.

If I did have my phone on silent and missed an emergency or even someone struggling and needing to talk I'd be guilt stricken. Sometimes people just need to know there's someone there.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Here’s the scenario now I dunno if this is just something some experience but it’s a pretty universal thing to happen.

It’s like as soon as they know you’re interested in them they pull back and stop putting the effort in.

So my question is to the men folk.

Whilst things are still salvageable and before the woman gets clingy cos she can sense you pulling away, what things make you do a 180 and start putting effort in again?

Like what things drive you mad about women, make you miss them and want to see them?

It sounds like you've experienced a dose of your own medicine and don't like it. Funny that"

No. It shows that I’ve been hurt by EVERY single guy I’ve had dealings with and now trying my best to make sure I’m not hurt again, trying to control my emotions so I don’t get shit on thanks.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Because I'm one of those people who isn't very good at ignoring things.

If I did have my phone on silent and missed an emergency or even someone struggling and needing to talk I'd be guilt stricken. Sometimes people just need to know there's someone there. "

Obviously I don't know your phone contacts but will 30mins on silence harm anyone ?

What about when you sleep, you maybe a light sleeper who'll hear your phone maybe, as for me I'm dead to the world im lucky i hear my alarm

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By *rincess peachWoman
over a year ago

shits creek

Here’s the scenario now I dunno if this is just something some experience but it’s a pretty universal thing to happen.

It’s like as soon as they know you’re interested in them they pull back and stop putting the effort in.

So my question is to the men folk.

Whilst things are still salvageable and before the woman gets clingy cos she can sense you pulling away, what things make you do a 180 and start putting effort in again?

Like what things drive you mad about women, make you miss them and want to see them?

It sounds like you've experienced a dose of your own medicine and don't like it. Funny that

No point trying to explain to him, he enjoys attempting to belittle and talk down to single women.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Here’s the scenario now I dunno if this is just something some experience but it’s a pretty universal thing to happen.

It’s like as soon as they know you’re interested in them they pull back and stop putting the effort in.

So my question is to the men folk.

Whilst things are still salvageable and before the woman gets clingy cos she can sense you pulling away, what things make you do a 180 and start putting effort in again?

Like what things drive you mad about women, make you miss them and want to see them?

It sounds like you've experienced a dose of your own medicine and don't like it. Funny that

No point trying to explain to him, he enjoys attempting to belittle and talk down to single women. "

Haha no It doesn't. Just shows I'm calling out attention seekers. I've not belittled anyone so you're just making baseless accusations because you have nothing to say

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Here’s the scenario now I dunno if this is just something some experience but it’s a pretty universal thing to happen.

It’s like as soon as they know you’re interested in them they pull back and stop putting the effort in.

So my question is to the men folk.

Whilst things are still salvageable and before the woman gets clingy cos she can sense you pulling away, what things make you do a 180 and start putting effort in again?

Like what things drive you mad about women, make you miss them and want to see them?

It sounds like you've experienced a dose of your own medicine and don't like it. Funny that

If EVERY guy has done that to you then look closer to home. Either you're picking the wrong guys or guys who talk to you are tired of your silly games and just fob you off because they don't want anything to do with you anymore.

That's free psychological advice. Normally i charge for it

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By *ecadent_DevonMan
over a year ago

Okehampton

We live in a “get rich quick”, “satisfy my demands now” type of world. In my mind there are two sorts of answer to your question from my personal perspective.

1). I liked spending time with you, which is why I wanted to spend time with you, it was easy. I’d ask if you wanted to do stuff and we’d do stuff. Now you are being a bit full on, the free and easy has turned to pressure and guilt, I don’t feel I can say “no” anymore. I’m no longer in control and I feel guilty if I don’t cede to your wishes. I’m backing off before this get serious. (This is a selfish and controlling persons perspective, however it is still valid, just a little

)

2). I liked chasing you, but you weren’t the only one, if I’m honest, and whilst I still like spending time with you, you took too long and someone else has turned my head. Now I’m a bit lost because I have friendzoned you in favour of another, but I still feel guilt so I’ll see you when I can, but that initial blood-pounding feeling I got when we first met has gone. (Again maybe a selfish persons response but some cannot be cruel to be kind, so end up prolonging the moment, long after it is dead).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You’ve just said it OP. Lack of control. You were calling the shots on the when’s and where’s and now you feel he is and it’s making you uncomfortable. I can emphasize with that so much.

You can’t help but compare it to every other relationship that ended badly and before you know you’ve sabotaged this one before it’s even had a chance to develop.

Try and even up the balance. If he suggests something ask if it can be another night, don’t answer a text for a while. Step back slightly in work but be friendly. Don’t show any sign of being off with him.

It sounds like it’s early days, most of us have been through the angst and analysing stages. Give it time, he may well turn out to not be like all the rest

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You’ve just said it OP. Lack of control. You were calling the shots on the when’s and where’s and now you feel he is and it’s making you uncomfortable. I can emphasize with that so much.

You can’t help but compare it to every other relationship that ended badly and before you know you’ve sabotaged this one before it’s even had a chance to develop.

It sounds like it’s early days, most of us have been through the angst and analysing stages. Give it time, he may well turn out to not be like all the rest

That's the most god awful advice to give anyone and screams toxicity from start to finish. Anyone who takes that advice will inevitable have a toxic and failed relationship.

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By *ecadent_DevonMan
over a year ago

Okehampton

"You’ve just said it OP. Lack of control. You were calling the shots on the when’s and where’s and now you feel he is and it’s making you uncomfortable. I can emphasize with that so much.

You can’t help but compare it to every other relationship that ended badly and before you know you’ve sabotaged this one before it’s even had a chance to develop.

It sounds like it’s early days, most of us have been through the angst and analysing stages. Give it time, he may well turn out to not be like all the rest

That's the most god awful advice to give anyone and screams toxicity from start to finish. Anyone who takes that advice will inevitable have a toxic and failed relationship. "

Do you know, you really are rather rude to people? You could have said “I don’t agree for the following reasons”. Sometimes it’s good to hit “preview” before “post” and have a read

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You’ve just said it OP. Lack of control. You were calling the shots on the when’s and where’s and now you feel he is and it’s making you uncomfortable. I can emphasize with that so much.

You can’t help but compare it to every other relationship that ended badly and before you know you’ve sabotaged this one before it’s even had a chance to develop.

It sounds like it’s early days, most of us have been through the angst and analysing stages. Give it time, he may well turn out to not be like all the rest

That's the most god awful advice to give anyone and screams toxicity from start to finish. Anyone who takes that advice will inevitable have a toxic and failed relationship.

Do you know, you really are rather rude to people? You could have said “I don’t agree for the following reasons”. Sometimes it’s good to hit “preview” before “post” and have a read "

Haha funny you don't say that to others. Wonder why.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Here’s the scenario now I dunno if this is just something some experience but it’s a pretty universal thing to happen.

It’s like as soon as they know you’re interested in them they pull back and stop putting the effort in.

So my question is to the men folk.

Whilst things are still salvageable and before the woman gets clingy cos she can sense you pulling away, what things make you do a 180 and start putting effort in again?

Like what things drive you mad about women, make you miss them and want to see them?"

I rarely message a guy I am seeing unless it’s to cancel something - I prefer them to instigate a message and then I will always reply.

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By *ecadent_DevonMan
over a year ago

Okehampton

"You’ve just said it OP. Lack of control. You were calling the shots on the when’s and where’s and now you feel he is and it’s making you uncomfortable. I can emphasize with that so much.

You can’t help but compare it to every other relationship that ended badly and before you know you’ve sabotaged this one before it’s even had a chance to develop.

It sounds like it’s early days, most of us have been through the angst and analysing stages. Give it time, he may well turn out to not be like all the rest

That's the most god awful advice to give anyone and screams toxicity from start to finish. Anyone who takes that advice will inevitable have a toxic and failed relationship.

Do you know, you really are rather rude to people? You could have said “I don’t agree for the following reasons”. Sometimes it’s good to hit “preview” before “post” and have a read

Haha funny you don't say that to others. Wonder why. "

Maybe the answer to your question is self evident?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You’ve just said it OP. Lack of control. You were calling the shots on the when’s and where’s and now you feel he is and it’s making you uncomfortable. I can emphasize with that so much.

You can’t help but compare it to every other relationship that ended badly and before you know you’ve sabotaged this one before it’s even had a chance to develop.

It sounds like it’s early days, most of us have been through the angst and analysing stages. Give it time, he may well turn out to not be like all the rest

That's the most god awful advice to give anyone and screams toxicity from start to finish. Anyone who takes that advice will inevitable have a toxic and failed relationship.

Do you know, you really are rather rude to people? You could have said “I don’t agree for the following reasons”. Sometimes it’s good to hit “preview” before “post” and have a read

Haha funny you don't say that to others. Wonder why.

Maybe the answer to your question is self evident? "

Yes which makes your comment redundant

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You’ve just said it OP. Lack of control. You were calling the shots on the when’s and where’s and now you feel he is and it’s making you uncomfortable. I can emphasize with that so much.

You can’t help but compare it to every other relationship that ended badly and before you know you’ve sabotaged this one before it’s even had a chance to develop.

It sounds like it’s early days, most of us have been through the angst and analysing stages. Give it time, he may well turn out to not be like all the rest

That's the most god awful advice to give anyone and screams toxicity from start to finish. Anyone who takes that advice will inevitable have a toxic and failed relationship. "

I don’t think that is awful advice at all or toxic in any way. I think it’s good advice actually!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You’ve just said it OP. Lack of control. You were calling the shots on the when’s and where’s and now you feel he is and it’s making you uncomfortable. I can emphasize with that so much.

You can’t help but compare it to every other relationship that ended badly and before you know you’ve sabotaged this one before it’s even had a chance to develop.

It sounds like it’s early days, most of us have been through the angst and analysing stages. Give it time, he may well turn out to not be like all the rest

That's the most god awful advice to give anyone and screams toxicity from start to finish. Anyone who takes that advice will inevitable have a toxic and failed relationship.

I don’t think that is awful advice at all or toxic in any way. I think it’s good advice actually!

You know what you're absolutely right. Relationships where you're constantly playing control tag of war always turn out to be non toxic and successful. Especially when you ignore people for a few days on end every now and then.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That's the most god awful advice to give anyone and screams toxicity from start to finish. Anyone who takes that advice will inevitable have a toxic and failed relationship. "

Really? I’m sorry you think that. Would you like to take the time to explain why?

For the record I’ve been in my relationship for the past 20 years and it’s a very good one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Havnt read many of the comments here so not sure this has come up, but seriously....watch a film called "The Ugly Truth" it's a bullshiit romantic Hollywood thing, but I think it seriously nails this topic!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That's the most god awful advice to give anyone and screams toxicity from start to finish. Anyone who takes that advice will inevitable have a toxic and failed relationship.

Really? I’m sorry you think that. Would you like to take the time to explain why?

For the record I’ve been in my relationship for the past 20 years and it’s a very good one.

I would need an entire seperate thread to explain from a psychological and human behaviour stand point. It requires a multi faceted approach that covers a wide range of behaviours and human psychology. Its not something i can surface explain and have people fully understand it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t think that is awful advice at all or toxic in any way. I think it’s good advice actually!

Thank you. It came from a good place and was meant for the early stages of a relationship. Maybe I didn’t articulate very well. I certainly wasn’t inferring that you should game play throughout.

V x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don’t think that is awful advice at all or toxic in any way. I think it’s good advice actually!

Thank you. It came from a good place and was meant for the early stages of a relationship. Maybe I didn’t articulate very well. I certainly wasn’t inferring that you should game play throughout.

V x"

It comes across as the old "treat them mean keep them keen" school of thought. What you suggest is also a technique called "breadcrumbing"

At least this is how your advice came across. If this is not what you meant then I apologise for misunderstanding.

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By *arker secrets 321Man
over a year ago

West Bromwich

Do u want fun or serious relationship? Sounds like games 2 me .men who do this are scum .b honest from start say it fun only . If u both want same build it slowly breaking someone heart is cruel playing with emotions isn't nice .. x

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By *racy_JacksWoman
over a year ago

Derby

I can definitely empathise with some of these feelings. And it can be awful!

You mention trying to control your emotions.. your emotions are what they are. You can acknowledge them and work through why you might be experiencing them. But trying to consciously reel them in is pretty futile

Don’t play games. The best thing really is just to keep busy and have your own stuff going on so then it’s less like you’re waiting around to hear from him

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Blowjobs and anal normally get me interested again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There is no answer to this and you can't manipulate the situation or it'll turn gamey and feel wrong. Would you want him to manipulate you if he thought you were the one backing off? (maybe that's even what he's doing now tbh?

)

If it's meant to be and nobody is playing games then you'll both be initiating and it'll be obvious and natural. If not, then chin up and find someone worth while. You don't need a book or tips or advice for this kinda shiz

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ive googled all the same things many many times before, its àll a swizz isnt it, they make you read a tonne of filler and nothing to help.

That's because really there is nothing that can help, if they want to they will and if not then they just wont. We cant affect a persons free will. I have been exactly the same and suffer the same sort of 'panic', at being out of favour or just forgotten, its all different attachment styles, have you read all the different attachment style articles on the internet, it is quite enlightning. I am a pursuer that is attracted to avoidants and it is really interesting to read even if only with a pinch of salt. I find it massively difficult to leave a person be if I like them. But I have learnt to a bit, it does get a bit easier to do and everytime the person does come.back to you it helps you relax and realise that ok yes peoole do come back. Long awful waffle sorry, all this self improvement is painful and crappy stuff

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Here’s the scenario now I dunno if this is just something some experience but it’s a pretty universal thing to happen.

It’s like as soon as they know you’re interested in them they pull back and stop putting the effort in.

So my question is to the men folk.

Whilst things are still salvageable and before the woman gets clingy cos she can sense you pulling away, what things make you do a 180 and start putting effort in again?

Like what things drive you mad about women, make you miss them and want to see them?

It sounds like you've experienced a dose of your own medicine and don't like it. Funny that

That's free psychological advice. Normally i charge for it"

Why must you be so unpleasant?

You know nothing about the OP or her relationships

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Wakefield

"Just ask the bloke what the craic is, cut the bullshit, the games, asking random people on here, no one knows your situation, no one knows what he’s thinking, life’s too fucking short, ask him, what’s the worst than can happen, don’t over think it, message him say you want to speak on the phone, lay it out on the line, but do it in a light and breezy manner, then you will find your answers instead of asking a bunch of random strangers who no nothing of your relationship with him. "

I like your style. That’s my motto. Ask a simple question. Get a simple answer. No games. No bull.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There is no answer to this and you can't manipulate the situation or it'll turn gamey and feel wrong. Would you want him to manipulate you if he thought you were the one backing off? (maybe that's even what he's doing now tbh?

)

This 100%

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Oh well I’ll see him in work shortly!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

)

I feel you OP, it’s hard especially when it sneaks up on you. I think this is good advice, also if I’m confused about how someone’s feeling I know it’s likely they’re not feeling it, if they were I wouldn’t be confused. Hurts feeling them pull away but hopefully someone out there that’s a better fit anyway x

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By *imis3Woman
over a year ago

Dublin

I am usually the one pulling back. But if its a a guy I like its usually because I mess things up but blame them. Its always too late by the time I see sense, but I am trying to control my temper these days

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By *iger4uWoman
over a year ago

In my happy place

For a real relationship it just flows.

Doesnt need rules or a planned manouevre.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe I missed the subtleties but have you had sex?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If it’s meant to be , it’ll flow naturally.

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By *ightkitty4uWoman
over a year ago

Epsom

My Nan always said “let them chase you until you catch them” 20 years later I am still trying to figure out what she meant!

I know as soon as I like a chap it’s game over, and I am the worlds worst at flirting dating etc. I have settled with being single forever

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Totally feels u! That is so me as well, and I know what u mean when you say u kind of want to keep the control over the feels that you usually have at the beginning. Because it’s scary to be in the position of wanting more and feeling like the other person isn’t striking the nail when it’s hot as much

Be patient and see how it goes, try and be chill if you can, distract yourself with ur favourite things to do and take things slow.

If he really likes you, he will show you. If not, you can always call things off before ur completely head over heels lol

Keep us updated

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Also I agree with everyone who said, it should be/feel easy and natural.

If it feels very game-y and lots of hot and cold from him. It’s a red flag and probably I’d suggest you to run before it’s too late lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Also I agree with everyone who said, it should be/feel easy and natural.

If it feels very game-y and lots of hot and cold from him. It’s a red flag and probably I’d suggest you to run before it’s too late lol "

Agree with this. If it's meant to be, it'll feel natural and you won't feel like this

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By *isAdventure69Woman
over a year ago

Hampshire

"You’ve just said it OP. Lack of control. You were calling the shots on the when’s and where’s and now you feel he is and it’s making you uncomfortable. I can emphasize with that so much.

You can’t help but compare it to every other relationship that ended badly and before you know you’ve sabotaged this one before it’s even had a chance to develop.

It sounds like it’s early days, most of us have been through the angst and analysing stages. Give it time, he may well turn out to not be like all the rest

That's the most god awful advice to give anyone and screams toxicity from start to finish. Anyone who takes that advice will inevitable have a toxic and failed relationship.

I don’t think that is awful advice at all or toxic in any way. I think it’s good advice actually!

How is playing "power games" a good advice ? Make him wait ? Saying you can't see him on the day he suggest (even though you can) just to make a point ... That doesn't bode well in my opinion.

I wouldn't put up with that personally , life is too short . You're keen on each other or you're not .

If I felt someone was pulling away, I'd just let them. I certainly wouldn't jump through hoops .

The OP appears to have had a rather aloof

attitude towards the guy at the beginning and perhaps he's grown tired of it or he had his own game in play to start with .

Ultimately I feel only the guy has the answer to that one.

As for the original question , I'm not sure anyone ever do a 180 and if they do start putting some effort into it again it's probably to secure another shag