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Best put downs....

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By *emmefatale OP   Woman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

Were you born with your head up your arse or was it a surgical procedure?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So what first attracted you to the millionaire husband? I think that was punted to Debbie Mcgee

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When people comment on me being a fat bastard I always reply saying I'm only this fat because every time I fuck their mother she gives me a cookie - if they are stupid it takes a while for them to get it.....

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By *emmefatale OP   Woman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville


"When people comment on me being a fat bastard I always reply saying I'm only this fat because every time I fuck their mother she gives me a cookie - if they are stupid it takes a while for them to get it....."
lmao..good one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

one guy to another.

Q. has your wife had my baby yet??

A. yes and hes an ugly fucker just like his dad

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You're like a Happy Meal without the prize.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Are you the village idiot...or is your dad still alive

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

is it in yet?....hate it when that happens lol

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

My the 13 to son to an ugly skank girl giving him grief about his glasses at school .

"Yep I've got four eyes and your a stinky skank "

Son removes glasses

" you still an ugly skank "

Way to go son

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By *emmefatale OP   Woman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

"You're the kind of girl who thinks 'friends with benefits' means seeing someone who's claiming Jobseeker's Allowance."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rugby is a game for men with no fear of head injuries... and with no reason to fear them

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By *emmefatale OP   Woman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville


"Rugby is a game for men with no fear of head injuries... and with no reason to fear them "

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By *emmefatale OP   Woman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

No one will ever know that you've had a lobotomy, if you wear a wig to hide to the scars and learn to control the slobbering.

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By *arnayguyMan
over a year ago

Durham Tees

If I want any more shit from you I'll just squeeze your head!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

winston churchill

oscar wilde sent him 2 tickets for his opening night and said 'bring a friend if you have any'

to which winston replied 'sadly i have a prior engagement that night but will gladly conme to the second night, if there is one'

also

a lady once said to winston 'if you my husband winston, i would poison your tea'

to which he replied 'madam if you were my wife ,i would drink it'

an absolute star at the put down

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By *emmefatale OP   Woman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"winston churchill

oscar wilde sent him 2 tickets for his opening night and said 'bring a friend if you have any'

to which winston replied 'sadly i have a prior engagement that night but will gladly conme to the second night, if there is one'

also

a lady once said to winston 'if you my husband winston, i would poison your tea'

to which he replied 'madam if you were my wife ,i would drink it'

an absolute star at the put down"

or it could have been noel coward i think...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

the best part of you ran down your mothers leg

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 25/07/12 17:57:09]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on holiday

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

when a man drops his trousers the woman looks at his undercarridge and says no thanks i roll my own cigs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Looks like someone got in the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"winston churchill

oscar wilde sent him 2 tickets for his opening night and said 'bring a friend if you have any'

or it could have been noel coward i think..."

It was Ivor Novello who sent the tickets to Noel Coward, and Coward who sent the 'incisive' reply.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Is that your own brain, or are you breaking it in for an idiot."

~

On fattist comments: "I can always diet. You, however, will always be a cunt."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"winston churchill

oscar wilde sent him 2 tickets for his opening night and said 'bring a friend if you have any'

or it could have been noel coward i think...

It was Ivor Novello who sent the tickets to Noel Coward, and Coward who sent the 'incisive' reply.....

"

that may be so but happened to Winnie too. just looked it up and it was actually George Bernard Shaw inviting him to first night of 'Pygmalion'

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By *ex.IncCouple
over a year ago

Castleford

Is your dad a thief? As you look like a pikey.

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By *etillanteWoman
over a year ago

.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with someone with no ammunition

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to stupid people.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry, I can't understand what you're saying... I'm wearing a moron filter

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge


"winston churchill

oscar wilde sent him 2 tickets for his opening night and said 'bring a friend if you have any'

to which winston replied 'sadly i have a prior engagement that night but will gladly conme to the second night, if there is one'

also

a lady once said to winston 'if you my husband winston, i would poison your tea'

to which he replied 'madam if you were my wife ,i would drink it'

an absolute star at the put down"

mr churchill again

he was slighlty worse for the drink at a function when a grand old lady upbraided him for being d*unk his reply

"madame your ugly im d*unk i will be sober in the morning "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"winston churchill

oscar wilde sent him 2 tickets for his opening night and said 'bring a friend if you have any'

to which winston replied 'sadly i have a prior engagement that night but will gladly conme to the second night, if there is one'

also

a lady once said to winston 'if you my husband winston, i would poison your tea'

to which he replied 'madam if you were my wife ,i would drink it'

an absolute star at the put down

mr churchill again

he was slighlty worse for the drink at a function when a grand old lady upbraided him for being d*unk his reply

"madame your ugly im d*unk i will be sober in the morning " "

Actually it was 'madam YOU'RE d*unk'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"winston churchill

oscar wilde sent him 2 tickets for his opening night and said 'bring a friend if you have any'

to which winston replied 'sadly i have a prior engagement that night but will gladly conme to the second night, if there is one'

also

a lady once said to winston 'if you my husband winston, i would poison your tea'

to which he replied 'madam if you were my wife ,i would drink it'

an absolute star at the put down

mr churchill again

he was slighlty worse for the drink at a function when a grand old lady upbraided him for being d*unk his reply

"madame your ugly im d*unk i will be sober in the morning "

Actually it was 'madam YOU'RE d*unk'."

^^ which in itself is a sly put down

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By *empting Devil.Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

Best forum one I read (not on here) was:

Backs out of the room quietly, closing door softly behind and runs to tell mummy the scary lady/man is back again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 26/07/12 15:44:41]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

Actually it was 'madam YOU'RE d*unk'."

Here we go....

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By *acreadCouple
over a year ago

central scotland

Mary Whitehouse said to Bernard Manning why do you have to tell filthy jokes Tom Oconnor has never told a dirty joke in his life.

Bernards reply. Listen mrs Tom Oconnor has never told a joke in his bloody life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your so stupid you failed a survey

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By *atisfy janeWoman
over a year ago

Torquay


"winston churchill

oscar wilde sent him 2 tickets for his opening night and said 'bring a friend if you have any'

to which winston replied 'sadly i have a prior engagement that night but will gladly conme to the second night, if there is one'

also

a lady once said to winston 'if you my husband winston, i would poison your tea'

to which he replied 'madam if you were my wife ,i would drink it'

an absolute star at the put down

mr churchill again

he was slighlty worse for the drink at a function when a grand old lady upbraided him for being d*unk his reply

"madame your ugly im d*unk i will be sober in the morning "

Actually it was 'madam YOU'RE d*unk'."

Do you really need to constantly pull people up on their grammar and spelling?

It's almost a daily occurance and it's frankly looking rather childish.

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

Nan - The Catherine Tate Show. Describing an encounter with an overweight hospital volunteer: "She said to me last time, 'You look bored, Mrs Taylor. I've got three words for you: Barbara Taylor Bradford.' So I said, 'Yeah? I've got three words for you too: calorie controlled diet."'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Moonlight becomes you - total darkness even more!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead

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By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago

In Your Bush

Someone on here the other week asked somebody " Can I borrow your brain ? I'm building an idiot"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"winston churchill

oscar wilde sent him 2 tickets for his opening night and said 'bring a friend if you have any'

to which winston replied 'sadly i have a prior engagement that night but will gladly conme to the second night, if there is one'

also

a lady once said to winston 'if you my husband winston, i would poison your tea'

to which he replied 'madam if you were my wife ,i would drink it'

an absolute star at the put down

mr churchill again

he was slighlty worse for the drink at a function when a grand old lady upbraided him for being d*unk his reply

"madame your ugly im d*unk i will be sober in the morning "

Actually it was 'madam YOU'RE d*unk'.

Do you really need to constantly pull people up on their grammar and spelling?

It's almost a daily occurance and it's frankly looking rather childish."

I love the way Jane misspelt 'occurrence' on purpose in order to draw them in and elicit a pedantic response

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By *atisfy janeWoman
over a year ago

Torquay


"winston churchill

oscar wilde sent him 2 tickets for his opening night and said 'bring a friend if you have any'

to which winston replied 'sadly i have a prior engagement that night but will gladly conme to the second night, if there is one'

also

a lady once said to winston 'if you my husband winston, i would poison your tea'

to which he replied 'madam if you were my wife ,i would drink it'

an absolute star at the put down

mr churchill again

he was slighlty worse for the drink at a function when a grand old lady upbraided him for being d*unk his reply

"madame your ugly im d*unk i will be sober in the morning "

Actually it was 'madam YOU'RE d*unk'.

Do you really need to constantly pull people up on their grammar and spelling?

It's almost a daily occurance and it's frankly looking rather childish.

I love the way Jane misspelt 'occurrence' on purpose in order to draw them in and elicit a pedantic response "

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

You work well as a prophelatic

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By *acreadCouple
over a year ago

central scotland

Lol it never fails grammar and spelling again. I wouldnt mind if the punishment was pull my nickers down and spank me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My favourite when I worked behind a bar many years ago, if I was getting unwanted attention from a guy I used to tell him I was fed up, not hard up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A mans wife tells him "i'm ugly and fat can you give me one compliment to make me feel better"

man replies "your eyesights perfect"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

While I was at College the resident gobshite decided to make his mouth go by telling a lass that she'd 'be gorgeous if she had someone else's head'. Her very large boyfriend heard, smacked him in the mouth and knocked his front tooth out. Deserved I'd say.

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

just because the 'fat ugly things' have turned you down, that's not a negative..

it shows they have standards.

one of my own

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By *UNCHBOXMan
over a year ago

folkestone

Cricket players are some of the best at put downs when they sledge each other during matches. I think one the best one is;

Aussie paceman Glenn McGrath was bowling to Zimbabwe number 11 Eddo Brandes – who was just missing each ball. McGrath, frustrated, went to him and inquired: “Why are you so fat?”Quick as a flash, Brandes replied, “Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"winston churchill

oscar wilde sent him 2 tickets for his opening night and said 'bring a friend if you have any'

to which winston replied 'sadly i have a prior engagement that night but will gladly conme to the second night, if there is one'

also

a lady once said to winston 'if you my husband winston, i would poison your tea'

to which he replied 'madam if you were my wife ,i would drink it'

an absolute star at the put down

mr churchill again

he was slighlty worse for the drink at a function when a grand old lady upbraided him for being d*unk his reply

"madame your ugly im d*unk i will be sober in the morning "

Actually it was 'madam YOU'RE d*unk'."

Fuck off back to the sewage farm, they're missing a bag of shit!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh dear! It seems I've pressed the wrong reply button.

Silly me

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By *o-jCouple
over a year ago

Outskirts of Notts

when I get a cheesy prat try and chat me up my favourite is to say loud enough for people to hear

' Are you trying to chat me up if you are don't bother '

the usual reply is ' why not '

to which my reply said loud enough again ' because I already have one twat in my knickers thank you '

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Look's like you have been dooking for apples in a chip pan

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By *atcherofmyballsMan
over a year ago

hereford

I could be cruel but mother nature has obviously beaten me to it

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By *o-jCouple
over a year ago

Outskirts of Notts


"Cricket players are some of the best at put downs when they sledge each other during matches. I think one the best one is;

Aussie paceman Glenn McGrath was bowling to Zimbabwe number 11 Eddo Brandes – who was just missing each ball. McGrath, frustrated, went to him and inquired: “Why are you so fat?”Quick as a flash, Brandes replied, “Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”

"

My other half tells me this story EVERYTIME we play the aussies .... Mike Atherton was once called a cheating bastard by the aussie fielders to which he replyed ....When in rome

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By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter

Best put down to date..

and to be honest I dont get many.. A bloke called me elderly ..he is 34 allegedly think he was expecting some one experienced to teach him things.. that was silly for sure.

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By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter

Hmmm having said that .. the old fart puts me down all the time. should be used to it by now

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By *emmefatale OP   Woman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

I certainly hope you are sterile.

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Heavy weights.

There's a polite sign gone up at the gym which makes me chuckle :

"If you're strong enough to pick the weights up, surely you're strong enough to put them back?"

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By *emmefatale OP   Woman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

calling someone a banker nowerdays is the best put down

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As an outsider what do you think of the human race?

Grouchy Marx when asked to join the Variety Club: 'I wouldn't join a club that would have someone like me as a member'

And it was Churchill to Lady Astor who said 'Madam you are ugly'. She replied 'and you Sir are d*unk!' To which his put down was 'But Madam l shall be sober in the morning!'

"Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you momma is so fat that she uses orions belt to hold up her pants

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By *aughtyHubbyMan
over a year ago

Sunderland

Many years ago a lad down our street was getting some stick from the neighbours for some reason or other. I must have been about 11 years old...but this has stuck with me as a brilliant put down ever since.

" if I had a face like that I'd teach my arse to talk"!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Go and take your face for a shit!

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire


"winston churchill

oscar wilde sent him 2 tickets for his opening night and said 'bring a friend if you have any'

to which winston replied 'sadly i have a prior engagement that night but will gladly conme to the second night, if there is one'

also

a lady once said to winston 'if you my husband winston, i would poison your tea'

to which he replied 'madam if you were my wife ,i would drink it'

an absolute star at the put down

mr churchill again

he was slighlty worse for the drink at a function when a grand old lady upbraided him for being d*unk his reply

"madame your ugly im d*unk i will be sober in the morning "

Actually it was 'madam YOU'RE d*unk'."

your profile name is innacurate, however,you MAY be a slut.

grammatically correct enough?

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire


"My favourite when I worked behind a bar many years ago, if I was getting unwanted attention from a guy I used to tell him I was fed up, not hard up. "

i got that when i gave a not to a girl at school.

i answered "the letter was for your mum, not you!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

shut your mouth and give your arse a chance

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sorry i dont speak idiot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike

Your wit is as dry as Ghandis flip flops

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By *acktilMan
over a year ago

Tewkesbury

Why don't you do the world a favor and stop stealing valuable oxygen.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would like to see things from your point of _iew but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass

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By *uyuksno1Man
over a year ago

poole

You laugh because im different!

i laugh because your ugly!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was trying to speak to quite a pretty women in a saunas once at a club, she had some massive au natural breasts, clearly she wasn't interested in me, but instead of the polite "sorry not interested" she acted a bit of a dick and informed me that her boyfriend will smash me, when I asked why, she simply replied because it will be funny.

well this was like a moth to a flame so i sat near her and sat calmly and as soon as her boyfriend come over, I piped up "oh this but be your massive cunt to match your tits". Don't think she was expecting that, and after a few words they fucked off.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is that your feet i can smell ?? No how dare you !!

Must be your fanny then .....

Lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You're so ugly you look like you've fallen out of the ugly tree and been impaled on every branch on the way down!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your photos are like eye excrement.

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By *acreadCouple
over a year ago

central scotland

My mate was telling me about a guy on his works night out there was some mouthy bitch there and he says to her are you doing anything on Saturday she says to him no and he says Well stay in and wash your fucking hair then.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

'aaaaaaaaw that's so sweet .... you think your opinion matters?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rang babestation other day this lass says hi hun what can i do for you , i said fucking hide me wifes just come in and i cant find remote

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

there so much shit coming out of your mouth have you thought of going into politics

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

your arse is so big i can save money on a new garage and park my bus there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

women have the best put downs without a doubt a man can drop his trollies and she says is that it or even worse just laughs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Aah I see abuse is still the refuge of the witless..."

"Are those your legs or are you breaking them in for a friend?"

This wasn't a put down but Churchill quoting Oscar Wilde (I think) when addressing the US Congress:

"Two great Nations, divided by a common language .."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"your arse is so big i can save money on a new garage and park my bus there"

Or:

"Bend over I need to park my bike ..."

Or: "Madam can you please move your arse off the beach the tide is waiting to come in .."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your so fat when you go to the cinema you sit next to EVERYBODY !!!

You smell so bad you make onions cry !!

Have you got strong arms ?? You must have to of pulled yourself out the abortion bucket !!

Im so sorry i dont speak common...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you're confusing me with someone who pretends to give a fuck in return for one apathetic blow job a month

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can I borrow your brain I'm building an idiot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stop talking (or writing) you are poluting my ears (or eyes).....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you were born they slapped your mum not you !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Madam ...may I suggest 2 deck chairs? One for each cheek"

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By *arumcoupleCouple
over a year ago

salisbury

Already a Arsehole in my underwear, dont need another thanks !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some bloke said to me once " Im gonna kick your fuckin head in ! "

So i quickly replied " You couldnt kick a football " and promptly walked off lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And my other fav ( from my mum )

If someone calls you a shit and you walk away whose the one with shit left in their mouth ??

Love it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

madam your arse is so big each ckeek has its own postcode

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

woman to a man constantly trying to chat her up if your cock was a s big as your mouth you might keep me from looking elsewhere

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sometimes it is better to let people THINK you are an idiot than open your mouth and PROVE it .."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 29/07/12 10:26:15]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Tell it to my butt, it's the only thing that gives a cr*p" as said by Peter Griffin..and it works too

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

often just a look is required

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

When are you all going to share your put downs ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You know nothing, keep it to yourself.

I can't make three weeks Tuesday, as I'm watching TV that night.

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By *absFrenchGentMan
over a year ago

stafford

If my ass looked like your face i'd be ashamed to pull my pants down to take a shit

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By *absFrenchGentMan
over a year ago

stafford

Your so fat that to take a picture of yourself you need a satellite

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"God, ten thousand sperm and you got there first ?".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

if i wanted to listen to crap id go to the toilet and listen to my shit hitting the water

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nice to read some of Groucho's put downs how about this one:

"You've got the brains of a 4 year old and I bet they were glad to be rid of them"!!!

One of my favourite is by little remembered presidents Calvin Coolidge, a remarkably uncommunicative person for a president.

A woman went up to him and said she'd place a bet she could get three words out of him.

he replied simply.

"You lose"!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When a fan approached Billy Connelly and said "Can I ask a question?"

he replied "Of course. And that was it!"

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