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"This made me laugh (very much needed at present) " Well don't do it too often, yer face will crack. You've got a prickly image to uphold! | |||
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"Auto fallatio. I’m that close I can feel the heat off it. How do I gain those extra few millimetres to taste the rainbow? " Der.... you cut your cock off, do some Buffalo Bill type needlework and sew an inch of skittle stuffed Cumberland to the base. Rejoin to groinage. | |||
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"Got no cheese for your crackers? Cunt as dry as a nun? Need a good kick in the knackers? People keep asking for fun? Problem shared is a problem laughed at, but at least you'll look a tit amongst pictures of breasts. So.... what's yer fucking issue ya whingebag? *As per, if you take my advice you may end up sectioned, arrested or chained up in a hoodlums cellar. " I love the fact that that rhymes | |||
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"Dear Auntie P. My time of the month has led me to closing my laptop for the day and curling up with a hot water bottle. How do I stop myself from transforming into a harpy when the majority of the time I'm a chubby wood nymph? I've tried praying to the gods, I've even made an offering of some on the turn cherries but nothing is working. Yours clawingly Nymphnomore." There is no prayer that would answer this. You're bleeding from your sex hole... don't you see? That's ALREADY the devils work. No amount of rotten fruit or money could appease the unholy one. Best you can do is welcome the horny firehooved bastard to use this devil wang to knock the womb lining outta ya jam hole in some sleep state trance paranormal malarkey | |||
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"Dear Auntie P. My time of the month has led me to closing my laptop for the day and curling up with a hot water bottle. How do I stop myself from transforming into a harpy when the majority of the time I'm a chubby wood nymph? I've tried praying to the gods, I've even made an offering of some on the turn cherries but nothing is working. Yours clawingly Nymphnomore. There is no prayer that would answer this. You're bleeding from your sex hole... don't you see? That's ALREADY the devils work. No amount of rotten fruit or money could appease the unholy one. Best you can do is welcome the horny firehooved bastard to use this devil wang to knock the womb lining outta ya jam hole in some sleep state trance paranormal malarkey " You should be on the stage, lady You are a tonic round these parts And i doff my cap to you xx | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, What happens when your dry cunt produces the cheese you need for your crackers?" You shout YEEEEEHAW! free money baby. Grow some grapes. Can ya see it yet? No more lemonade stand in yer front garden, you've got yourself an upgrade! Cheese, crackers and wine for the win | |||
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"Dear Auntie P. My time of the month has led me to closing my laptop for the day and curling up with a hot water bottle. How do I stop myself from transforming into a harpy when the majority of the time I'm a chubby wood nymph? I've tried praying to the gods, I've even made an offering of some on the turn cherries but nothing is working. Yours clawingly Nymphnomore. There is no prayer that would answer this. You're bleeding from your sex hole... don't you see? That's ALREADY the devils work. No amount of rotten fruit or money could appease the unholy one. Best you can do is welcome the horny firehooved bastard to use this devil wang to knock the womb lining outta ya jam hole in some sleep state trance paranormal malarkey You should be on the stage, lady You are a tonic round these parts And i doff my cap to you xx" Agreed. I needed the lyrical honesty of Aunty P today. Thank you x | |||
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"What DO women really want and will chocolate really fix a broken heart? (I just imagine it would melt with the heat) "I have no idea what women want, I'm merely a man with small tits and a vageen. Chocolate will not fix a broken heart, the doctors said stents or electrical jolts work the best. | |||
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"Auntie P. Meh..... Jo.Xx " You know the song "let the bodies hit floor" but the real heavy version? https://youtu.be/bKnq5VUopz0 | |||
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"This made me laugh (very much needed at present) Well don't do it too often, yer face will crack. You've got a prickly image to uphold! " Don’t worry, ever the Prickles xx | |||
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"Need a good kick in the knackers? Yes please" Go to your nearest paddock and creep up on an equine | |||
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"Dear Auntie P. My time of the month has led me to closing my laptop for the day and curling up with a hot water bottle. How do I stop myself from transforming into a harpy when the majority of the time I'm a chubby wood nymph? I've tried praying to the gods, I've even made an offering of some on the turn cherries but nothing is working. Yours clawingly Nymphnomore. There is no prayer that would answer this. You're bleeding from your sex hole... don't you see? That's ALREADY the devils work. No amount of rotten fruit or money could appease the unholy one. Best you can do is welcome the horny firehooved bastard to use this devil wang to knock the womb lining outta ya jam hole in some sleep state trance paranormal malarkey You should be on the stage, lady You are a tonic round these parts And i doff my cap to you xx" *takes bow and collects roses and smeared underwear from the floor that's been launched at me* | |||
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"Auntie P. Meh..... Jo.Xx You know the song "let the bodies hit floor" but the real heavy version? https://youtu.be/bKnq5VUopz0 " Hahaha Thank you. That was funny. 
Jo.Xx  | |||
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"Auntie P. Meh..... Jo.Xx You know the song "let the bodies hit floor" but the real heavy version? https://youtu.be/bKnq5VUopz0 Hahaha Thank you. That was funny.
Jo.Xx "Let the bodies hit the FLOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAR I want him | |||
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"Dear Antie P Yesterday I found a really fine but really long hair (2 inches at least) growing out of my neck, just where the Adam's apple would be if I had bollocks and a y chromosome. What are the long term ramifications? Yours gratefully A confused xx chromosome owner" Long term ramifications? Well.... it might be an idea to contact Lucas/Disney and see if they have any openings for a wookie or ewok. I'm on the shortlist. | |||
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"Dear Antie P Yesterday I found a really fine but really long hair (2 inches at least) growing out of my neck, just where the Adam's apple would be if I had bollocks and a y chromosome. What are the long term ramifications? Yours gratefully A confused xx chromosome owner Long term ramifications? Well.... it might be an idea to contact Lucas/Disney and see if they have any openings for a wookie or ewok. I'm on the shortlist." Ewok it is then. Thanks Auntie P, you've changed my life | |||
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"I’m having sexual fantasies involving Pritti Patel. It’s strictly physical, not political. What major crime could I commit, without hurting anyone, to attract the attention of the Home Secretary ?" Every crime has a victim you fool! Although I highly recommend snow angels in the fast lane on the A1 and hiring a plane with a banner on the back which reads "Yo Pritti, listen up bitch" with Colour Me Badds hit song blasting through a tannoy .... don't forget a newscopter to capture the whole event | |||
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"I’m having sexual fantasies involving Pritti Patel. It’s strictly physical, not political. What major crime could I commit, without hurting anyone, to attract the attention of the Home Secretary ? Every crime has a victim you fool! Although I highly recommend snow angels in the fast lane on the A1 and hiring a plane with a banner on the back which reads "Yo Pritti, listen up bitch" with Colour Me Badds hit song blasting through a tannoy .... don't forget a newscopter to capture the whole event " Thanks Auntie P, I will follow your advice to the letter and screenshot this thread as proof of diminished responsibility when I’m inevitably banged up without parole, or Pritti.  | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, This week I have been mostly farting. Now this is fine as I am the sole occupier of my residence. However, if I wanted to kid-nap someone and keep them in the cupboard until needed... what would be the etiquette regarding letting one go. (The fart not my hostage/s ) " You cupcake that rectum racket and chuck em around the room in the manner of an over enthusiastic flower girl at a wedding. | |||
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"Auntie P. Meh..... Jo.Xx You know the song "let the bodies hit floor" but the real heavy version? https://youtu.be/bKnq5VUopz0 Hahaha Thank you. That was funny.
Jo.Xx
Let the bodies hit the FLOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAR
I want him "https://youtu.be/YBnHIZKVQkM With him as a buddy | |||
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"Auntie P. Meh..... Jo.Xx You know the song "let the bodies hit floor" but the real heavy version? https://youtu.be/bKnq5VUopz0 Hahaha Thank you. That was funny.
Jo.Xx
Let the bodies hit the FLOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAR
I want him
https://youtu.be/YBnHIZKVQkM
With him as a buddy"Yes yes yes!! | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I have a hot tradesman coming to my house tomorrow to fix my broken French door lock. I am finding this very exciting at this current time. Any advice on how I can stop myself wetting myself with excitement during his socially distanced visit, or should I just put on my Tena pants... Thank you in advance..." Tena lady alone ain't gonna work, I'm afraid you're gonna have to go nil by mouth from 2pm today. You've got an hour to stuff your face til you cannae breathe or move. Don't worry about him finding you in a pool of your own vomit and turds tomorrow as you're just coming round from a food coma. I'm sure he'll find it highly erotic and stick the image in his wank bank for when he gets back out to the van. | |||
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"Dear Aunty P, I have a hot tradesman coming to my house tomorrow to fix my broken French door lock. I am finding this very exciting at this current time. Any advice on how I can stop myself wetting myself with excitement during his socially distanced visit, or should I just put on my Tena pants... Thank you in advance... Tena lady alone ain't gonna work, I'm afraid you're gonna have to go nil by mouth from 2pm today. You've got an hour to stuff your face til you cannae breathe or move. Don't worry about him finding you in a pool of your own vomit and turds tomorrow as you're just coming round from a food coma. I'm sure he'll find it highly erotic and stick the image in his wank bank for when he gets back out to the van." I will do as you say Aunty P.. Thank you xx | |||
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"Dear Aunty P For some time now I've had a raging crush for a mysterious London lady. She's a terrific laugh, super down to earth and sexy as hell. She is a kind soul who tried to help out swingers with problems via a forum thread on a swining website. How can I get this goddess to notice me? "Forgive me for the late reply, I've been laughing at other people laughing. My advice on this very serious matter would be to send her many many flowers, and a vase just in case she is using a pint glass she "borrowed" from work as an emergency one as she doesn't get flowers all that often. You could always try pubic topiary and having her name carved into your man bush to catch her eye. | |||
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"Dear Auntie, why is the no more bananas in Lidle Granola ?" Coz they only had a lidle bit to start with and that wasn't gonna last very long. Takes waaaaay longer to grow something than it does to eat it. | |||
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"Dear Auntie P I am currently under arrest on various serious charges including obstructing the highway, indecent exposure, and defamation against the Home Secretary. I plan to plead insanity on the grounds that I followed the deranged advice of an online fantasist with a history of rectal self harm. Will you be a character witness?" I'll do more than that son, kll be yer fucking lawyer | |||
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"Dear aunty P, After over eating stuffing yesterday, I have been unusually gassy. The pressure build up is unbearable and after trying my hardest to hold them in, one escaped. My husband almost fainted, but it’s ok, or so I thought and blamed the dog. This charade went on all evening and I thought I’d got away with it. When I arrived from work, my husband had taken the dog to the vets to find out what was wrong with him. He’s an old dog. The vet suggested putting him down! Could you please help, I feel could never fess up to such an un holy gosh awful gut wrenching stink, but I do love the dog! " Having been there several times the only infallible plan is to take a screwdriver to the waste pipe in your bathroom. Repairs may be costly but your pride is at stake | |||
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"Got no cheese for your crackers? Cunt as dry as a nun? Need a good kick in the knackers? People keep asking for fun? Problem shared is a problem laughed at, but at least you'll look a tit amongst pictures of breasts. So.... what's yer fucking issue ya whingebag? *As per, if you take my advice you may end up sectioned, arrested or chained up in a hoodlums cellar. " Why you? Why should I or anyone else seek your council? What's your qualifications?  | |||
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"My Dearest Auntie P, I have a very dear and close friend who I'm getting increasingly worried about - a few months back she put herself in perilous danger whilst trying to put up a curtain pole, you might remember I asked you about her back then... ...anyway just last week this same friend nearly tore herself a new arsehole using a tail butt plug and a high heel (yes I know, I had to stop myself from guffawing too)...anyway I'm wondering what's next on her path of self-destruction...getting the chain from her nipple clamps tangled in an electric fan perhaps...or maybe an inadvertent incident involving a wand, her bath and a Pot Noodle. How do I stop her doing these doofus things...and more importantly is there anyway she could make them more funny? " Bubble wrap and a breathing hole. Tis the only way to keep such an idiot from certain danger. I mean, how the hell can someone have accidents with such simple tasks. Trained mice could do a better job! To make it funnier, perhaps cctv so everyone can see the visuals of such a knucklehead | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, I'm at a crossroads in my career. I'm earning good money for my position where I currently work and if I continue to try and progress within the company, I can earn even more. Unfortunately, I don't think I would be making as much elsewhere based on my current skillset. Do I continue to try and work my way internally up the ladder for a good wage but still limited skillset or do I try to improve on my skills and move in the hope I can be more well-rounded at what I do?" You need to put all that shit in the past and become a real life He-Man, and get a kitty called Cringer | |||
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"Oh Auntie P, I am a disgrace! I haven't shaved my leg or armpits since god knows when, an I even have a goatee now. Should I cowboy up and buy an industrial scale vat of veet? That way I will be smooth and lovely again for about 7 minutes. Or should I accept the reality, and change my user name to Grizzly Adams in Heels?" You and me both Hot Patootie. I think we should become TV detectives. Catweasel & Catweasel | |||
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"Got no cheese for your crackers? Cunt as dry as a nun? Need a good kick in the knackers? People keep asking for fun? Problem shared is a problem laughed at, but at least you'll look a tit amongst pictures of breasts. So.... what's yer fucking issue ya whingebag? *As per, if you take my advice you may end up sectioned, arrested or chained up in a hoodlums cellar. Why you? Why should I or anyone else seek your council? What's your qualifications? "A) because B) because why not? C) I passed cuntfuckery with a distinction Or they could have said "fuck, you have a distinctive whiff to your cunt" ... I wasn't quite listening | |||
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"Dear Auntie P I am currently under arrest on various serious charges including obstructing the highway, indecent exposure, and defamation against the Home Secretary. I plan to plead insanity on the grounds that I followed the deranged advice of an online fantasist with a history of rectal self harm. Will you be a character witness? I'll do more than that son, kll be yer fucking lawyer " PP QC, it’s a deal  | |||
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"Dear Auntie P I am currently under arrest on various serious charges including obstructing the highway, indecent exposure, and defamation against the Home Secretary. I plan to plead insanity on the grounds that I followed the deranged advice of an online fantasist with a history of rectal self harm. Will you be a character witness? I'll do more than that son, kll be yer fucking lawyer PP QC, it’s a deal "May God have mercy on your soul | |||
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"Dear Auntie P, I'm at a crossroads in my career. I'm earning good money for my position where I currently work and if I continue to try and progress within the company, I can earn even more. Unfortunately, I don't think I would be making as much elsewhere based on my current skillset. Do I continue to try and work my way internally up the ladder for a good wage but still limited skillset or do I try to improve on my skills and move in the hope I can be more well-rounded at what I do? You need to put all that shit in the past and become a real life He-Man, and get a kitty called Cringer" But... But... Blonde hair doesn't suit me and I don't like cats | |||
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"My Dearest Auntie P, I have a very dear and close friend who I'm getting increasingly worried about - a few months back she put herself in perilous danger whilst trying to put up a curtain pole, you might remember I asked you about her back then... ...anyway just last week this same friend nearly tore herself a new arsehole using a tail butt plug and a high heel (yes I know, I had to stop myself from guffawing too)...anyway I'm wondering what's next on her path of self-destruction...getting the chain from her nipple clamps tangled in an electric fan perhaps...or maybe an inadvertent incident involving a wand, her bath and a Pot Noodle. How do I stop her doing these doofus things...and more importantly is there anyway she could make them more funny? Bubble wrap and a breathing hole. Tis the only way to keep such an idiot from certain danger. I mean, how the hell can someone have accidents with such simple tasks. Trained mice could do a better job! To make it funnier, perhaps cctv so everyone can see the visuals of such a knucklehead " I'm not letting her anywhere near bubble wrap - not only because I want to pop it but because even with the breathing hole she'll manage to seal it off while trying to light a fag and end up turning blue and being called Smurf by the paramedics. CCTV sounds good though a cross between Big Brother and The Truman Show...it'd be a ratings winner!! | |||
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"Auntie P, my issue is I'm a fat cunt who keeps eating crap and sitting on my fat arse. What do I need to do to shift this lard I've put on in the last 2 years?" Have you tried the tumble dryer yet? I can shrink anything in those bastards | |||
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"Auntie P, my issue is I'm a fat cunt who keeps eating crap and sitting on my fat arse. What do I need to do to shift this lard I've put on in the last 2 years? Have you tried the tumble dryer yet? I can shrink anything in those bastards " I don't have one  | |||
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"My Dearest Auntie P, I have a very dear and close friend who I'm getting increasingly worried about - a few months back she put herself in perilous danger whilst trying to put up a curtain pole, you might remember I asked you about her back then... ...anyway just last week this same friend nearly tore herself a new arsehole using a tail butt plug and a high heel (yes I know, I had to stop myself from guffawing too)...anyway I'm wondering what's next on her path of self-destruction...getting the chain from her nipple clamps tangled in an electric fan perhaps...or maybe an inadvertent incident involving a wand, her bath and a Pot Noodle. How do I stop her doing these doofus things...and more importantly is there anyway she could make them more funny? Bubble wrap and a breathing hole. Tis the only way to keep such an idiot from certain danger. I mean, how the hell can someone have accidents with such simple tasks. Trained mice could do a better job! To make it funnier, perhaps cctv so everyone can see the visuals of such a knucklehead I'm not letting her anywhere near bubble wrap - not only because I want to pop it but because even with the breathing hole she'll manage to seal it off while trying to light a fag and end up turning blue and being called Smurf by the paramedics. CCTV sounds good though a cross between Big Brother and The Truman Show...it'd be a ratings winner!! " | |||
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"I keep having fantasies of Lucy Verasamy the weather woman on ITV, Is it wrong of me to ask my partner to try and arrange a 3some with for me or at least pretend to be her ???" Wrong? Hell no, swap the gf out for the weather woman and she can come visit. At least then you can turn weather alerts off on your phone | |||
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"Auntie P, I have work tonight and won't be getting home to bed till 6am. I dont need to leave home till 8.30 though so what should I do with myself from now until 8.30? " That's not long Soph, takes me that long to muster the motivation to get my shoes on and make it to the front door. Do you have any Xmas wrapping paper left? Throw it away but keep the inner tube and use it as a bum-bugle. See if you can sound a military call and have soldiers knocking yer door down. | |||
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"Auntie P, I have work tonight and won't be getting home to bed till 6am. I dont need to leave home till 8.30 though so what should I do with myself from now until 8.30? That's not long Soph, takes me that long to muster the motivation to get my shoes on and make it to the front door. Do you have any Xmas wrapping paper left? Throw it away but keep the inner tube and use it as a bum-bugle. See if you can sound a military call and have soldiers knocking yer door down." Oddly enough I do and its in the coat cupboard by the front door....do you snoop around my house when I'm not here | |||
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"I think my foof is "Born Again". Sex drive was MIA, but its back now and its a problem! What do you advise? "Get your wand out, no lube. Give yourself so many orgasms you can no longer feel yer fanny. Keep going. It'll hurt pretty soon but still.. keep going. When you wake tomorrow you'll be in so much pain you won't even be able to think about sex. Your flaps will be the size of turkey breast fillets and have friction burns, you won't even be able to wipe after a wee. Then you'll realise you were horny because your period was on its way, and in fact.... you're back to MIA after all anyway. | |||
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"Auntie P, I have work tonight and won't be getting home to bed till 6am. I dont need to leave home till 8.30 though so what should I do with myself from now until 8.30? That's not long Soph, takes me that long to muster the motivation to get my shoes on and make it to the front door. Do you have any Xmas wrapping paper left? Throw it away but keep the inner tube and use it as a bum-bugle. See if you can sound a military call and have soldiers knocking yer door down. Oddly enough I do and its in the coat cupboard by the front door....do you snoop around my house when I'm not here "Ain't ya noticed missing biscuits and stray pubes under ya pillow? | |||
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"Auntie P, I have work tonight and won't be getting home to bed till 6am. I dont need to leave home till 8.30 though so what should I do with myself from now until 8.30? That's not long Soph, takes me that long to muster the motivation to get my shoes on and make it to the front door. Do you have any Xmas wrapping paper left? Throw it away but keep the inner tube and use it as a bum-bugle. See if you can sound a military call and have soldiers knocking yer door down. Oddly enough I do and its in the coat cupboard by the front door....do you snoop around my house when I'm not here
Ain't ya noticed missing biscuits and stray pubes under ya pillow? "Biscuits, no. Stray pubes.....hang on I'll go check but I did think my pillows had a lovely scent the other day | |||
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"Auntie P, I have work tonight and won't be getting home to bed till 6am. I dont need to leave home till 8.30 though so what should I do with myself from now until 8.30? That's not long Soph, takes me that long to muster the motivation to get my shoes on and make it to the front door. Do you have any Xmas wrapping paper left? Throw it away but keep the inner tube and use it as a bum-bugle. See if you can sound a military call and have soldiers knocking yer door down. Oddly enough I do and its in the coat cupboard by the front door....do you snoop around my house when I'm not here
Ain't ya noticed missing biscuits and stray pubes under ya pillow?
Biscuits, no.
Stray pubes.....hang on I'll go check but I did think my pillows had a lovely scent the other day "The fragrance was "eau de BV" | |||
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"Auntie P, I have work tonight and won't be getting home to bed till 6am. I dont need to leave home till 8.30 though so what should I do with myself from now until 8.30? That's not long Soph, takes me that long to muster the motivation to get my shoes on and make it to the front door. Do you have any Xmas wrapping paper left? Throw it away but keep the inner tube and use it as a bum-bugle. See if you can sound a military call and have soldiers knocking yer door down. Oddly enough I do and its in the coat cupboard by the front door....do you snoop around my house when I'm not here
Ain't ya noticed missing biscuits and stray pubes under ya pillow?
Biscuits, no.
Stray pubes.....hang on I'll go check but I did think my pillows had a lovely scent the other day
The fragrance was "eau de BV" "Ooooh tangy | |||
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"Got no cheese for your crackers? Cunt as dry as a nun? Need a good kick in the knackers? People keep asking for fun? Problem shared is a problem laughed at, but at least you'll look a tit amongst pictures of breasts. So.... what's yer fucking issue ya whingebag? *As per, if you take my advice you may end up sectioned, arrested or chained up in a hoodlums cellar. Why you? Why should I or anyone else seek your council? What's your qualifications?
A) because
B) because why not?
C) I passed cuntfuckery with a distinction
Or they could have said "fuck, you have a distinctive whiff to your cunt" ... I wasn't quite listening "C: works for me | |||
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"I think my foof is "Born Again". Sex drive was MIA, but its back now and its a problem! What do you advise?
Get your wand out, no lube. Give yourself so many orgasms you can no longer feel yer fanny. Keep going. It'll hurt pretty soon but still.. keep going.
When you wake tomorrow you'll be in so much pain you won't even be able to think about sex. Your flaps will be the size of turkey breast fillets
and have friction burns, you won't even be able to wipe after a wee. Then you'll realise you were horny because your period was on its way, and in fact.... you're back to MIA after all anyway. "I dont own a wand! I binned all my sex toys after I split up with him (you know who) because I didnt want the reminder! | |||
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"Princess, I ain't even going to ask for the advice today, cos I know the answer involves fire and brimstone... " You know me too well. What I will say tho beaut is hold the munchkins and MrKC tight tonight | |||
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"I keep having fantasies of Lucy Verasamy the weather woman on ITV, Is it wrong of me to ask my partner to try and arrange a 3some with for me or at least pretend to be her ??? Wrong? Hell no, swap the gf out for the weather woman and she can come visit. At least then you can turn weather alerts off on your phone " Just mentioned the 3some to my partner and her reply was Its looking wet down south, I think she either likes Lucy or she's after her job | |||
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"I think my foof is "Born Again". Sex drive was MIA, but its back now and its a problem! What do you advise?
Get your wand out, no lube. Give yourself so many orgasms you can no longer feel yer fanny. Keep going. It'll hurt pretty soon but still.. keep going.
When you wake tomorrow you'll be in so much pain you won't even be able to think about sex. Your flaps will be the size of turkey breast fillets
and have friction burns, you won't even be able to wipe after a wee. Then you'll realise you were horny because your period was on its way, and in fact.... you're back to MIA after all anyway.
I dont own a wand! I binned all my sex toys after I split up with him (you know who) because I didnt want the reminder!"Best purchase one sharpish! | |||
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"Princess, I ain't even going to ask for the advice today, cos I know the answer involves fire and brimstone... You know me too well. What I will say tho beaut is hold the munchkins and MrKC tight tonight "Mr KC has been unusually huggy. The tiny one doesn't really get it. I want to hug my son the most, but....... I know you so wellllllllll *Elaine Page voice* | |||
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