FabSwingers.com forum: Serious subject

By *histler21 OP Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

She: Low libido, never really that fussed with sex apart from having children. Never given oral. Never really wanted to receive oral. Sex once a month. Twice on a hot month. Not into toys. Doesn't really enjoy holding cock. Not bad at a foot job when the mood takes. Not interested in porn.

He: High libido. Very tactile - quite proficient. Loves giving and receiving oral. Just loves sex. Still finds 'her' figure damn sexy. Prefers amateur porn to commercial stuff when the mood takes.

Yes - 'He' is me. Discussions have taken places over the years about how we can 'improve' things.

Any ideas how to do this after a period of 6 or 7 years? Kissing and cuddling still goes on and still in love.

Be interested to listen to people's _iews.

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By *uyuksno1Man
over a year ago

poole

i love that your still in love with her and im sorry that you want more xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not being flippant mate, but you've tried to vary your sex-life, you're in your 50's, & she doesn't seem to ever have been that interested. Don't think things are going to change much now, are they?

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By *histler21 OP Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

"Not being flippant mate, but you've tried to vary your sex-life, you're in your 50's, & she doesn't seem to ever have been that interested. Don't think things are going to change much now, are they?"

I live in hope...

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By *uyuksno1Man
over a year ago

poole

and so you should at the end of the day you will be left with each other and love is the most comfortable part

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"and so you should at the end of the day you will be left with each other and love is the most comfortable part

Indeed, love is very important, but so is sex. Without sex, I would need to find it elsewhere, as would many others.

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By *histler21 OP Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

"and so you should at the end of the day you will be left with each other and love is the most comfortable part

True. But it doesn't help now when one's member is screaming to be played with...and I'm fed up taking matters into my own hands.

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By *uyuksno1Man
over a year ago

poole

"and so you should at the end of the day you will be left with each other and love is the most comfortable part

True. But it doesn't help now when one's member is screaming to be played with...and I'm fed up taking matters into my own hands. "

your right of course and only you know how you feel which is why your on here i guess but dont let go of the love i love that you said that xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cuddles says very little about sex, does not encourage it between us in fact have slept apart for over ten years, heavy duty snoring. She will do the preliminaries in our hot tub on cam but once out thats it. Being bi which she accepts and does encourage I do have an option for having some fun.

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By *ompip3Couple
over a year ago

Paisley

Perhaps you should buy her the "Fifty shades" trilogy?.....and inadvertently get her interested. lol! Just tell her everyone is talking about it!.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cuddles has read them.......didn't work

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"She: Low libido, never really that fussed with sex apart from having children. Never given oral. Never really wanted to receive oral. Sex once a month. Twice on a hot month. Not into toys. Doesn't really enjoy holding cock. Not bad at a foot job when the mood takes. Not interested in porn.

He: High libido. Very tactile - quite proficient. Loves giving and receiving oral. Just loves sex. Still finds 'her' figure damn sexy. Prefers amateur porn to commercial stuff when the mood takes.

Yes - 'He' is me. Discussions have taken places over the years about how we can 'improve' things.

Any ideas how to do this after a period of 6 or 7 years? Kissing and cuddling still goes on and still in love.

Be interested to listen to people's _iews."

Are you me???

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you spoken to "she" about this? She needs to be willing to change for that to happen, if she's interested maybe some sort of counselling, maybe she has underlying issues that she's keeping bottled up? Or maybe sex just isn't her bag... But I also love that you are still in love, that's nice to hear.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Have you spoken to "she" about this? She needs to be willing to change for that to happen, if she's interested maybe some sort of counselling, maybe she has underlying issues that she's keeping bottled up? Or maybe sex just isn't her bag... But I also love that you are still in love, that's nice to hear.

I was going to say the same. Also there is a theory that if you have a low sex drive you need to force yourself to do it regularly for a couple of months to start to enjoy it.

Do you help out around house, so she's not tired?

I had the same issues and did all I could save my marriage but it just wasn't going to happen. We still get on very well now though.

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By *now-bbw-bunnyCouple
over a year ago

southend-on-sea

We have friends who have a great sex life but hate each other . I know they would swap with u.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"We have friends who have a great sex life but hate each other . I know they would swap with u."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes it certainly is difficult when couples have different sex drives. Its good that you still cuddle though, touch is important.

Maybe focus on just that for the time being, sit and cuddle her, perhaps softly massage or lightly run your fingers across her neck, but don't go any further. Let her feel there's no pressure for sex.

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By *histler21 OP Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

fanny said:
" Have you spoken to "she" about this? She needs to be willing to change for that to happen, if she's interested maybe some sort of counselling, maybe she has underlying issues that she's keeping bottled up? Or maybe sex just isn't her bag... But I also love that you are still in love, that's nice to hear.

I tried to discuss this in the early days - when we still had sex. But I can read the signs when I'm seen to be 'going on about this'...

letsbe said:

"I was going to say the same. Also there is a theory that if you have a low sex drive you need to force yourself to do it regularly for a couple of months to start to enjoy it.

Do you help out around house, so she's not tired?

I had the same issues and did all I could save my marriage but it just wasn't going to happen. We still get on very well now though. "

I can see the point about 'needing to force yourself'. But I would never force her to do anything against her will - even if it would benefit the both of us (ok - me in the first instance).

I help out about as much as most men to. I actually enjoy washing up and some ironing, cooking (couple of times a week), changing nappies etc (grandkids before you ask).

She has spend several years getting her degree (fully distance learning course) - which I was very supportive of (I believe totally in education) - so it could be simply changing priorities on her part. But I see no change in our bedroom activities since she graduated.

As for Mr Grey - she's not really a big reader - she's more of an arts and crafts person.

On the odd occasion I'm allowed to play with her clit - she cums within about a minute (and I take it *very* slow with her). But that's as far as it goes (once she has cum she doesn't like to be touched).

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By *histler21 OP Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

"Yes it certainly is difficult when couples have different sex drives. Its good that you still cuddle though, touch is important.

I am very tactile - and I've never stopped caressing her...

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By *xscotMan
over a year ago

Kingston

I think this is very common with long term partners - there is a great deal of love and affection between them - and many shared experiences. However there is a discrepancy in the libido / sexual needs of the couple - it is not an easy thing to counter and most people will accept that kisses and cuddles are the most and happiest thing between them.

It does mean that men (and there are ladies too) in this situation gravitate to FAB

This gives them the chance to ease their needs with the minimum pain to their partner.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Marriage without sex isnt a proper marriage. Not to me anyway.

My hubby is 20 years older than me and isnt realy interested in sex so he lets me see other men.

If he didnt then i think i would have left him.

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By *stmateMan
over a year ago

Notts

That's a tough one, u have to communicate more. I know from experience that when a woman is tired, u will be lucky to get a good night kiss. U have to tell her how its affecting u and that u find her really attractive, she still turns u on etc. If all fails u might have to ask if she will allow u to play away. Drastic I know but let's be realistic, nothing wrong with honesty.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hey - have you tried a sex therapist? I really think you should , relate do them. About 50 quid an hour . they wont just cover sex, theyll cover changes that you may both need to make. You obviously still love each other. It would be a damned shame to shit can a relationship that has endured, as you obviously have shared so much.

Sounds like you are stuck in a rut, she maybe depressed, over worked, exhausted, lacking in self esteem. she may not be communicating what she wants or be true to herself. but miscommunication leads to tension, and my guess is youve talked and talked, and you probably feel that your reaching the bottom of the barrel. there's lots of advice to take, such as reassuring her that she is sexy, helping her round the house, wooing her, romancing her, making her feel really special. asking her what she likes in bed. my guess is that you probably tried all this.

try relate. they are trained and proffesional.

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

thats pretty much what i would say, tbh.

you are still in love, great, its a good base, and lets not forget, once the body is no longer willing, love is all you have left, so if you dont have that, you have nothing.

as for the sex, you have had 7 years, surely you would have known long before now you arent compatible in the bedroom and could have come to some arrangement.

i honestly believe councelling is the way to go, if she has any interest.

otherwise, tell her you need more sex.

maybe she is happy for you to look for it elsewhere.

but, and let me be totally honest with you, no amount of love you feel for each other is going to mean a thing if she finds out you are already meeting others for the other.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How long have you both been together as a couple?

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

He: High libido. Very tactile - quite proficient. Loves giving and receiving oral. Just loves sex. Still finds 'her' figure damn sexy. Prefers amateur porn to commercial stuff when the mood takes.

Yes - 'He' is me. Discussions have taken places over the years about how we can 'improve' things.

Any ideas how to do this after a period of 6 or 7 years? Kissing and cuddling still goes on and still in love.

Be interested to listen to people's _iews."

okay... if you want a serious conversation can we deal with the "elephant in the room"....

how is it going to get any better if you are off playing with people without her knowledge?........... surely that is time and energy you could be spending on time with her and helping to solve this.....

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

seek professional help...

good luck and hope you both get what you are looking for x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He: High libido. Very tactile - quite proficient. Loves giving and receiving oral. Just loves sex. Still finds 'her' figure damn sexy. Prefers amateur porn to commercial stuff when the mood takes.

Yes - 'He' is me. Discussions have taken places over the years about how we can 'improve' things.

Any ideas how to do this after a period of 6 or 7 years? Kissing and cuddling still goes on and still in love.

Be interested to listen to people's _iews.

okay... if you want a serious conversation can we deal with the "elephant in the room"....

+1 ... and ever stopped to wonder for a moment whether she may know/have a good idea you are playing away, and that may a contributing factor.....?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

your wife sounds realy selfish.

i think maybe you are too nice for your own good. if she realy cared about you, she would want to make you happy.

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By *er himWoman
over a year ago

Essex

does she know your on this site looking for extra sex?

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By *histler21 OP Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

[Removed by poster at 20/07/12 10:41:40]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Go back to the basics and start dating and doing the things you like to do together its not all about sex So be open with her ... about you needs don't say she has to .. just say you miss it in your life be truthful that go along way .. in my book .. Some times we forget who we are in this world where things move so fast with family and jobs and forget about ourselves and others close to us .. why when alot of holidays get alot more sex , lol

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By *histler21 OP Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

"How long have you both been together as a couple?

28 years. She is 2 years younger than me.

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

Its a difficult one. I was with my ex for 13 years and the last two years he didn't touch me. He found out I had started to play away so we had a serious chat. I said I wouldn't be unfaithful any more and he said he would have sex more frequently with me. That lasted a month, and it was back to no sex. I was very unhappy, and so started playing away again.

In the end, he met someone else! So the reason he didn't shag me was because he didn't fancy me, not because he didn't fancy sex. We split very amicably and are both living our lives. Yes, I suppose we could have made it work but it needs two to do so, and in the end we realised we were better as friends than as partners. In the end the OP has to decide how important sex is to him. If his wife will not compromise then there's some serious chats to be had.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How long have you both been together as a couple?

28 years. She is 2 years younger than me."

you need a serious talk my friend, and counselling,

you need to let her know that although you love her she is at risk of losing you. it is always hard when this happens and there is no easy answer but you have needs and you need to tell her that.

i dont have a magic wand sadly but there are people who can help, like Relate, who can go over everything with you both.

You must tell her how much you love her but she needs to know that you need more.

good luck and i hope you can sit together and go see someone and sort it out.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I (F)agree with what a lot of the others are saying you need to talk absolutely 100% honestly, tell her how it's affecting you but also listen to her...REALLY listen. It's no good asking people who don't know either of you what to do because they don't know the full story and can only make assumptions from what you're saying.

I have spoken to a lot of men who are in the same position as you and there's no one correct answer or solution.

Good luck and I hope you can find a solution that suits you both

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How long have you both been together as a couple?

28 years. She is 2 years younger than me."

With your age, the likelihood is that around that time 7-8 years ago she was approaching or starting the menopause. which can trigger a change in sexual response and libido.

so perhaps suggesting she gets some HRT (in a tactful way) might lift her libido,, or give her (and by that i mean ask her to take) some spanish fly/Female Viagra and see if that helps,if not then its in her head,,,

If that's the case then you should talk to her about it, perhaps seek out some couples counselling and find out the real cause of her lack of libido. and try to get your sex life back on track. Good luck.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"How long have you both been together as a couple?

28 years. She is 2 years younger than me.

With your age, the likelihood is that around that time 7-8 years ago she was approaching or starting the menopause. which can trigger a change in sexual response and libido.

I agree with the timing factor some women do lose interest in sex around menopause and it can be down to something as simple as needing some help with lubrication.

However all these suggestions won't help one jot or tittle unless THAT conversation takes place, I would also say that both partners have to be prepared to hear some uncomfortable facts about themselves .

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By *yson38GWoman
over a year ago

Tyne and Wear

I was with my husband for 14 years. 8 of which were virtually sexless - maybe once every 3 or 4 months if that - the last 4 years were totally non-existant. I loved him dearly and did everything I could to solve this from sexy photos and vids of me playing with myself - dressing up for him. talking to him about it - he had developed a p.e.d and refused to discuss it or go to the doctors. We still cuddled and kissed and he would often remark on my sexiness. 3 years ago I decided that enough was enough and I joined a site and got myself some fun. flitted through different ones as non of the 'sex sites' seemed to give me the satisfaction I was looking for and then a guy I met suggested this one - I've never looked back - I was looking for friends with benefits rather than just a quick fuck as I also didn't want to have an affair.

15 months ago I did the one thing I had promised myself I would never do - I fell in love with someone from this site. The heartache and torment I went through was indescribable - In the end I realised I loved my husband enough not to cheat on him any more as I know that is what I was doing - and so I told him I was leaving as he could not give me what I so needed and I didn't want to hurt him any more than I already had. Apart from a few tears he knew it had been coming. I've only recently moved out and we have remained close friends throughout the breakup - it was not an easy decision to make but he loved me enough to let me go and I loved him enough to leave him (strange though that sounds)

This tactic will certainly not work for everyone but it was the best thing I did.

Good luck in whatever you decide

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was with my ex 30 years.

You could be describing me in your op.

I came to the conclussion, at one point, that I was totally fridgid. He agreed.

I wasnt...I realise now I didnt fancy him at all.

Could that possibly be the reason why with your wife

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By *er himWoman
over a year ago

Essex

Quite agree with Dyson.

Was in a sexless marriage Me Male who loved her and wanted a great fun sex life for us both.. She up and left one day and I was gutted. But life changes and did meet a new partner on a dating site and both our love of sensual sex is the same and great...so if you cant resolve your problems, then either she has to accpet you needing satisafaction or it wil be you both single again....May be chat to her and she just might be happy with you meeting a single fem for you all to be present and you getting the sex you desire. Yuo never know she might have gone off sex with Males, and would like fem/fem sex? Think that was the result of mine!

Oh important I never cheated, although I could have been tempted but never did as I loved her. May be I should have given her an ultimatum having chatted for ages and tried to resolve everything she said was the problem....just excuses....not to have sex..But giving an ultimatum would I think just brought the inevitable sooner and her satisfied that that it was me wanting to stray.

Now with a fantasic fem partner I should have cut and moved on sooner...life is so great now...deeply in love and a realy satisfiying sex life

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By *exy milf 1962Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

I so feel for the "OP" here as " I'M " in a very similar situation at home x

I absolutely "adore" my Fiance and We have been together now just over 8Yrs

He's 4 1/2Yrs older than me ,but in the last2Yrs,has really lost his "mojo"

When we first met in 2004,our sexlife was AMAZING!!! We went out most weekends did exciting things together and still had our our hobbies and friends ~ the perfect equation

But 2yrs ago he stopped training(Martial Arts)after 32yrs and put on his slippers and is in bed or asleep on the sofa by 8.30 to 9pm everynight

and all i get from him is "I'm shattered!!" ~ he's only 53 OMG!!!

I know he works really hard and holds down a fulltime job "welding",but that's about it~ We walk the dogs together still which i adore,but that's abt it.I can't motivate him to go out socially,even at weekends ,he's happy to stop in,watch tv and fall asleep!!!

He's had all the tests available and he's perfectly healthy in everyway,apart from inherited high blood pressure(which has never been an obstical in his life)

Kisses and cuddles are few and far btwn

Sex is abt once a fortnight.I never get oralsex(he doesnt like it)and when we do have sex~as ya can imagine,it's over in a matter of minutes as he's so desperate to empty his sacks lol

I've considerede everything

He still love's me (he says)

He doesnt want to split up and is happy

But i've lost count of the times id cried myself to sleep,feeling totally "unloved" thinking....."There has to be something better than this??!!"

After this ,he always makes an effort for a couple of weeks or so,but it then "slips back to the norm" and we end up back to the same old~

So after confiding in a best friend she suggested i level with him and explain truthfully JUST how frustrated i felt,to which he admitted that his lobedo had just gone and he wasnt that bothered anymore and once a fortnight or so was ample for him (when i'd still love it 3/4 times aweek at least!!!)

So he suggested i find sex on here(or a similar site)which initially took my breathaway,but once i'd gotten over the shock and looked into "swinging" thoroughly and spoke to hundreds of likeminded, open minded, totally unjudgemental and genuinely lovely ppl

,i soon discovered that just maybe THIS LIFESTYLE "could JUST be the answer to BOTH OUR PRAYERS???

So i excitedly filled in my profile page and downloaded a face pic and waited lol~ and WOW!!! i was inundated with dozens of Gr8 messages from both men ,couples and women,all wanting to meet and become friends with ME!!!!

I went on my 1st date and then my 2nd and then had my 1st party a MMMMF G/B (Amazing) and as i got ready to go on my 3rd overnighter to a local hotel,he said "Don't go love~please don't go!!"

When i asked why not? He mearly answered that i didnt need to go???~

I asked if he was jelous? and he said no

When i again "attempted to say that i actually did need to go ~ as i was walking up the walls with frustration,as a result of our virtually loveless/sexless relationship,

he then promised to change.We hugged and kissed and i phoned my date and openly explained the situation.(He was totally understanding bless him)

Again things dramatically improved for almost 2months this time and i hid my profile yet again!!!

Now it's gone back to the same old "yet again!" and i'm back on here withnhis blessing again x ~

For us personally it has "saved our relationship totally!!" ~ i am now "luved up and happy" ,not having to constantly nag him 4sex that he doesnt want or need for now and he's happy n content that his "Princess" is not frustrated,unhappy and bored sexually ~

Most of our inner circle of close friends know and understand and most approve(which we found unbelievable at first)My Girlfriends have mixed feelings

~ some are all 4it and think it's a brilliant solution,but my best friend thinks it's terrible and will lead to disaster???

Other's have said we should part friends and go our seperate ways,to find more compatable partners and spend the next 40odd or so yrs with sum1 that totally appreciates oneanother~and satisfies on a 121 without the need to swing ~ Yet apart from all else ~ we both absolutely adore 1another and afterall ~is sex "the be all and end all" other's say ???? and i could do a lot worse !!! ~ over to you~ ?????

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By *exy milf 1962Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

OOOPS!!! sorry he's 55 in Sept and i'm 51 in January !! xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

if she is into arts n crafts have ye ever thought bottle of wine some arty crafty stuff out an get her to help you make some sexual fantasies to put in to action after you have made them it mite spice it up

but good luck xx

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By *histler21 OP Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

There are some really wonderful messages here - but sad in many ways...

It seems discussion is the way forward. I'm willing to try this - but really scared if the fall out ...

I genuinely believe she knows nothing about what I do.

I love her totally - and yes, I can hear the eyebrows being raised about what I'm doing as well. But apart from the sex, she us everything I want. And I, her.

She doesn't drink alcohol, tea, coffee. Doesn't like taking pills, and I really can't see her seeing a counsellor. I have never forced her to do anything she doesn't want to do and am not about to start now.

When I talk low libido, I mean things like we had been on our honeymoon a week before we had sex. And when we were engaged, it was only infrequently then. Which was not an issue.

I need to re-read thus thread again because there is more advice here than I have probably taken in so far.

I thank all the contributors for looking this in an adult way - and not simply going down the cheating/adulterer name calling.

I didn't think I was alone in this sort of situation, but the many private messages show me that the number if options are limited . I have tried some, but will have to ask myself whether I have paid only lip service to them so far.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There are some really wonderful messages here - but sad in many ways...

It seems discussion is the way forward. I'm willing to try this - but really scared if the fall out ...

I genuinely believe she knows nothing about what I do.

I love her totally - and yes, I can hear the eyebrows being raised about what I'm doing as well. But apart from the sex, she us everything I want. And I, her.

When I talk low libido, I mean things like we had been on our honeymoon a week before we had sex. And when we were engaged, it was only infrequently then. Which was not an issue.

I need to re-read thus thread again because there is more advice here than I have probably taken in so far.

I thank all the contributors for looking this in an adult way - and not simply going down the cheating/adulterer name calling.

Man, your talking your marriage dude, ya gotta talk to her, about the counslling, cos she's gonna lose ya if ya dont, and it will end in tears. be honest with each other, at least, you owe her that.

good luck, i sincerely wish you well.

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By *histler21 OP Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

Carlos - I have no interest in leaving.

And when I do meet up (in reality it isn't that often) - I am completely discreet about it. For so many reasons, I can be certain of this.

Being open and honest with her will just open up a can of worms. Can I go without sex for another 20 years? One question - could you?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To the other forumites who have shared their stories, you have brought me to tears.

It is so difficult when one partner has a higher sex drive than the other partner.

I had this with my ex. But to be fair, he was a bully and abusive. So its not surprising i didnt have any sex drive with him(look at me now..mad eh!)Plus although he SAID he loved me, i really dont think he did!

To the OP.

It sounds like you have tried many times to talk to her.

If she wont discuss it any more, and she seems to be unwilling to go to councelling/therapy, then you must go on your own.

Because like others have said, I think you need to discuss this with someone who is trained, and impartial.

Go and get advice, support and understanding.

Personally i think she is being unfair on you, by not trying to at least compromise.

I have come to find that sex is extremely important in a relationship, and that having a similar sex drive as your partner makes life much much easier.

It sounds as if your wife was never really interested in sex from the beginning. I think this is going to be a very difficult thing to resolve.

You may have to decide how a virtually sexless marriage fits into your happiness and wellbeing.

Because ultimately sex within a relationship is about bringing a couple closer, more loving and intimate. Not just about giving eachother orgasms.

And thats a big part of your marriage that is missing.

I feel so very sorry for you in your predicament.

And i wish you all the best in finding a solution that is best for both you and her.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There are some really wonderful messages here - but sad in many ways...

It seems discussion is the way forward. I'm willing to try this - but really scared if the fall out ...

I genuinely believe she knows nothing about what I do.

I love her totally - and yes, I can hear the eyebrows being raised about what I'm doing as well. But apart from the sex, she us everything I want. And I, her.

When I talk low libido, I mean things like we had been on our honeymoon a week before we had sex. And when we were engaged, it was only infrequently then. Which was not an issue.

I need to re-read thus thread again because there is more advice here than I have probably taken in so far.

I thank all the contributors for looking this in an adult way - and not simply going down the cheating/adulterer name calling.

Martin, you have mentioned something rather intriguing in the above. You say that you didn't have sex for the first week of your honeymoon? So..... what was/is your wifes relationship with her Mother like? Did she indeed have a Mother (may have died at a young age etc)? If what you say is true, your wifes issues (and what by now are clearly YOUR issues with this) are very deep seated. If the problem was there before you had your family, this does not sound like a 'Moms don't do that sort of thing' attitude to sex which many women experience after childbirth when the Motherly instinct kicks in. My ex suffered from that big time, and I still think that was part of the reason she ultimately had the affair which ended our relationship.

But back to you... Would be interesting to know what kind of 'programming' your Mother in Law gave your wife about what to expect in bed with her new husband.... Maybe you might find the answer there....... ??

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By *histler21 OP Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

My wife cones from a Methodist background . Which partly explains the no alcohol thing, but the truth is she just doesn't like the taste of alcohol.

I have always got on really well with her parents - only her mum still alive.

I can't say what sort of upbringing she had, but I can't remember there being any hidden issues. It's interesting you mentioned this as her younger sister got married later in life and made a choice not to have children - which she is perfectly entitled to do. Maybe teaching KS1 children put her off...

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

from what you say things have been like this throughout your marriage and you don't want to force your wife to do anything she doesn't want to do such as seeing a counsellor but you are happy to accept that she is forcing you to do something you don't want to do i.e. live in a near sexless marriage. You also say that you don't want to open "a can of worms". If all this is true the situation will never be resolved because it's unlikely she will wake up one morning with an increased libido. You are going to have to take the lid off that can of worms and she is going to have to do some things she doesn't want to or nothing will change.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"i love that your still in love with her and im sorry that you want more xxx

Ditto ... and that you're still trying.

You said you've had a lotof conversations about how to improve things ... how about maybe getting her to share some things that might really turn her on. Tell her the conversation is a safe zone ... doesn't necessarily mean it's gonna happen but just to share some really intimate fantasies with you which might get her switched on.

Otherwise as far as libido is concerned , how is her general health? Emotionally, physically and energy wise... maybe it's time to make changes.

Does she know you still find her hot .. if not she needs to know.

Luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After 28 years together you must have feelings for each other, be them negative or positive.

Being on here looking for what you want at home will only be a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

As said above, the only way to deal with it is talking to your wife or someone experienced in such matters.

The other side of the coin, if you used this thread for a bit of exposure to get some interest, think you've hit the jackpot!

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By *ezebelWoman
over a year ago

North of The Wall - youll need your vest

Some really sad stories here and I cant imagine what it must be like.

Ill remember this thread and some of the supportive responses next time there is a 'No excuse for cheating' thread....

Can only say good luck to all of you x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Been in two similar marriages - never again - this time round sex is the major reason we are getting married and if either if us loses it then sod it - I am giving up on the whole marriage thing for good !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Some really sad stories here and I cant imagine what it must be like.

Ill remember this thread and some of the supportive responses next time there is a 'No excuse for cheating' thread....

Can only say good luck to all of you x "

The 'No excuse for cheating' posters are often couples who are insecure and shit scared of being dumped.

In my experience there is always excuses for everything and always more than one point of _iew.

Whistler well you are in a crappy position and what ever you do wont be ideal. Lots to think about and nothing may change but listen both to the head and the heart before making a decision.

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By *histler21 OP Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

Yes, I still love her. And she knows it.

Yes, she still turns me on. And she knows it.

No, this is not a sympathy trip/shag request - hence the subject title.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Been in two similar marriages - never again - this time round sex is the major reason we are getting married and if either if us loses it then sod it - I am giving up on the whole marriage thing for good !

good for you.

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By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter

"There are some really wonderful messages here - but sad in many ways...

It seems discussion is the way forward. I'm willing to try this - but really scared if the fall out ...

I genuinely believe she knows nothing about what I do.

I love her totally - and yes, I can hear the eyebrows being raised about what I'm doing as well. But apart from the sex, she us everything I want. And I, her.

When I talk low libido, I mean things like we had been on our honeymoon a week before we had sex. And when we were engaged, it was only infrequently then. Which was not an issue.

I need to re-read thus thread again because there is more advice here than I have probably taken in so far.

I thank all the contributors for looking this in an adult way - and not simply going down the cheating/adulterer name calling.

This is partly a fault I feel sure my Mum was a strict no sex before marriage person. She had lttle love or sex in her life and really was very strict with me.

we did have a reasonable sexlife before we married but we didnt have sex on our honeymoon either,

It was ok for the first few months but working hard and home and a baby after 18mths

took its toll we went to probably 3 or 4 times a year then twice a year ..I developed LS and underactive thyroid and was too sore to attempt it any more at 43 we stopped completely. It never really came back and now he has health problems.. my libido is back what are we sposed to do.? I had a nice man 4 years ago but he got married so its been very lonely since then . I understand whistlers problem well ..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He: High libido. Very tactile - quite proficient. Loves giving and receiving oral. Just loves sex. Still finds 'her' figure damn sexy. Prefers amateur porn to commercial stuff when the mood takes.

Yes - 'He' is me. Discussions have taken places over the years about how we can 'improve' things.

Any ideas how to do this after a period of 6 or 7 years? Kissing and cuddling still goes on and still in love.

Be interested to listen to people's _iews."

i know everyone has different _iews of what they are after in a relationship

But you say she has never been interested in sex

I have to be honest i would never get into a relationship with someone who from the out set didnt like sex

People say sex isnt the be all and end all but going by the amount of people on here because they are in a sexless marrage id say it pretty high up there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sounds like you have already considered quite a few options. I would go for sex counselling as they will have far reaching knowledge on the subject.

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

i dont understand how come you can only now decide your OH having a low libido is a problem for you.

you have honestly already stated it has been no different throughout your relationship, so why on earth do you think she would change now, when life is starting to slow down for many?

i just dont get it.

if you had been at it like rabbits then it dropped off, fair enough, but you accepted it before, and have done for 30 years.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Some really sad stories here and I cant imagine what it must be like.

Ill remember this thread and some of the supportive responses next time there is a 'No excuse for cheating' thread....

Can only say good luck to all of you x "

I totally agree. Liking this thread a lot, there's some really constructive comments.

Personally I would hate to go to a sex therapist. It would totally freak me out. I was in a sexless marriage, me being the one that didn't want to but he did. It ended for other reasons. I wasn't frigid, it was him making me that way.

If your wife has never been interested in sex she probably never will be. A can if worms will be opened, but after the dust settles hopefully you will both be better off and happier, whether that is together or apart.

Good luck. X

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

"i dont understand how come you can only now decide your OH having a low libido is a problem for you.

you have honestly already stated it has been no different throughout your relationship, so why on earth do you think she would change now, when life is starting to slow down for many?

i just dont get it.

if you had been at it like rabbits then it dropped off, fair enough, but you accepted it before, and have done for 30 years."

that was the simple question I asked but no one answered....

how does "one" being here without the other persons knowledge help them as a couple??......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He: High libido. Very tactile - quite proficient. Loves giving and receiving oral. Just loves sex. Still finds 'her' figure damn sexy. Prefers amateur porn to commercial stuff when the mood takes.

Yes - 'He' is me. Discussions have taken places over the years about how we can 'improve' things.

Any ideas how to do this after a period of 6 or 7 years? Kissing and cuddling still goes on and still in love.

Be interested to listen to people's _iews."

How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her.

Hate cheaters....scum of the earth

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By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter

He: High libido. Very tactile - quite proficient. Loves giving and receiving oral. Just loves sex. Still finds 'her' figure damn sexy. Prefers amateur porn to commercial stuff when the mood takes.

Yes - 'He' is me. Discussions have taken places over the years about how we can 'improve' things.

Any ideas how to do this after a period of 6 or 7 years? Kissing and cuddling still goes on and still in love.

Be interested to listen to people's _iews.

How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her.

Hate cheaters....scum of the earth"

You are of course entitled to your opinion. I suggest you come back when you been with the same partner for 30 / 40 years. The more life experience I get the more I realise that life takes many turns..Try following the path a while.

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By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter

"Marriage without sex isnt a proper marriage. Not to me anyway.

My hubby is 20 years older than me and isnt realy interested in sex so he lets me see other men.

If he didnt then i think i would have left him.

Well im sure at 70 plus he thinks it is better to have you looking after him and being a companion than him being alone for the rest of his life. (not a nice prospect as you get old)

so letting you have sex with others is a small price to pay.

There are many aspects to being married sex being only a small part . I do not agree that I dont have a proper marriage.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well that's rather patronising. Just because someone is young does not mean they are inexperienced or foolish. Perhaps because they are not jaded, bitter and cynical about love, relationships and sex they should be listened to? It's easy to deride the folly of youth. Maybe if older people remembered the opinions and morals they held as a younger person they wouldn't make so make mistakes in life. A lot of years does not equal a lot of wisdom.

Cheating is morally wrong and hurtful for the other partner. It's all well and good for the OP to say he's in a predicament but if you look at it from another point of _iew he has a loving wife and sex on tap.

If we all take a minute to reflect on how SHE would feel if she knew her husband was sleeping with women off the internet then perhaps we would realise that she is the one we should feel sorry for - not the cheating horny man. He needs to come off websites like this and look at his own relationship and perhaps even look at himself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well that's rather patronising. Just because someone is young does not mean they are inexperienced or foolish. It's all well and good for the OP to say he's in a predicament but if you look at it from another point of _iew he has a loving wife and sex on tap.

And yet maturity and life experience has real advantages when people ask for advice... For one, the ability to read the post properly... At which point one would see that the OP does NOT have sex on tap... Does love his partner and is asking a forum for advice... Noone yet has patronised him...;-)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 21/07/12 14:56:43]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Communication does she know how you feel talk to her x has she always had a low sex drive or has it been since the menopause

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I did read the post. He does have sex on tap by being on this site. If he truly loved his partner he would feel revulsion by cheating on her instead he does it freely. And it was I who was being patronised for being young. Now who's not reading things properly?

And maturity and life experience do not come from age. They come from wisdom. Two very different things.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 21/07/12 15:00:01]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't be with a woman who hasn't got a good or similar sex drive to mine.

Warning signs are there before you even get past 6 months with a woman.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

"I wouldn't be with a woman who hasn't got a good or similar sex drive to mine.

Warning signs are there before you even get past 6 months with a woman."

Agreed! Women can tell what a shit shag you are WELL before six months. Why don't they speak up sooner ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldnt be with someone who didnt have a sex drive either

Tho i know there is more to a relationship then sex for me its a very important part of a relationship, i dont think a relationship will ever work if one side has a high sex drive and the other does not

And for me a couple who has been together for 30+ while one is playing away because they cant get what they need at home isnt what i class as a working marrage, for me thats a bodge

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

I think if you have tried a conversation with her based on advice you received from people on a swingers site and this was the start of making a difference ( albeit, non sustained ).

imagine going to a professional and getting them to help...

good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her.

Hate cheaters....scum of the earth"

Scum of the earth.

Right up there with murderers etc.

He said he'd tried that. He was now asking for advice. I really can't see where the venim comes from. Like someone else said, there are many different reasons that people do things. It's not as simple as some people may believe.

The self righteous loving couples (that have sex with strangers) do make me laugh.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Im going to be totally honest about my opinion on this now and it may ruffle a few fethers but when have i ever cared about that lol

But why should this women go and get help with her sex drive to keep him happy, if shes never had a sex diver and is ok in herself with that why should she change

he hasnt go without sex for her, hes just go and got it else where so why should she change for him?

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

[Removed by poster at 21/07/12 16:02:33]

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

"Im going to be totally honest about my opinion on this now and it may ruffle a few fethers but when have i ever cared about that lol

But why should this women go and get help with her sex drive to keep him happy, if shes never had a sex diver and is ok in herself with that why should she change

he hasnt go without sex for her, hes just go and got it else where so why should she change for him?

actually I agree, but if he is honest with her and says that lack of sex between them is an issue for him, and that issue may cause him to stray and ultimately destroy the marriage.... she is advised to the potential impact and can make a choice.

it is about being informed and able to make choices, if she chooses not to have sex more often, she is right to do so.

he can then decide what to

stay and settle for the sex as regular as they both feel

advise her, the marriage may be over

stays on here and tells her he is here

stays on here and doesn't

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

"Im going to be totally honest about my opinion on this now and it may ruffle a few fethers but when have i ever cared about that lol

But why should this women go and get help with her sex drive to keep him happy, if shes never had a sex diver and is ok in herself with that why should she change

he hasnt go without sex for her, hes just go and got it else where so why should she change for him?

as both myself and _abio have questioned, he knew she wasnt into sex, and has known for 30 years.

only now its a problem?

even though i have always been a take it or leave it guy, where sex is concerned, would still realise if someone i was with had a different sex drive to myself, and converse about it. hopefully come to some kind of decision about it, although i really do have to say, there is more to a living relationship than sex. although it does show the most intimacy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And id also like to ask the OP if your Mrs did go and get help and did suddenly get a sex dive would you stop shagging other people?

Would it be easy for you after all this time of playing away to just stop and be faithful to your wife?

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"There are some really wonderful messages here - but sad in many ways...

It seems discussion is the way forward. I'm willing to try this - but really scared if the fall out ...

I genuinely believe she knows nothing about what I do.

I love her totally - and yes, I can hear the eyebrows being raised about what I'm doing as well. But apart from the sex, she us everything I want. And I, her.

When I talk low libido, I mean things like we had been on our honeymoon a week before we had sex. And when we were engaged, it was only infrequently then. Which was not an issue.

I need to re-read thus thread again because there is more advice here than I have probably taken in so far.

I thank all the contributors for looking this in an adult way - and not simply going down the cheating/adulterer name calling.

I know people are saying communicate and yes I agree, but from what you say her libido has been low even before you got married so I doubt there will be a magice pill to sort this.

If you do tell her, will she just have sex for the sake of it as she thinks she may lose you if she doesnt?

Will you want her to have sex for the sake of it when you know she isn't enjoying it?

Thats the problem you will have if the communication goes the wrong way.

I know a marriage is more than just sex, but when one person wants it more than the other then it becomes a bigger issue.

Sadly some people just don't have any sex drive or very little, and no matter how much talking or trying to get it going will make any difference.

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

"And id also like to ask the OP if your Mrs did go and get help and did suddenly get a sex dive would you stop shagging other people?

Would it be easy for you after all this time of playing away to just stop and be faithful to your wife?"

i think, perhaps only initially, he possibly would do, yes.

however, the question of if he could abstain for long is another.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And id also like to ask the OP if your Mrs did go and get help and did suddenly get a sex dive would you stop shagging other people?

Would it be easy for you after all this time of playing away to just stop and be faithful to your wife?

i think, perhaps only initially, he possibly would do, yes.

however, the question of if he could abstain for long is another."

me too

i think once you have been into this 'life style' for a long time it can be hard to turn your back on it

I have to be honest after all i have done over the years the thought of only having sex with the same guy for the rest of my life bores me just thinking about it

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

"And id also like to ask the OP if your Mrs did go and get help and did suddenly get a sex dive would you stop shagging other people?

Would it be easy for you after all this time of playing away to just stop and be faithful to your wife?

i think, perhaps only initially, he possibly would do, yes.

however, the question of if he could abstain for long is another.

me too

i think once you have been into this 'life style' for a long time it can be hard to turn your back on it

I have to be honest after all i have done over the years the thought of only having sex with the same guy for the rest of my life bores me just thinking about it

i would probably agree with you.

however, because we dont, then i suppose i dont have that same feeling.

i still only have sex with Em, and jesus, its gooooood lol

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By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter

How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her.

Hate cheaters....scum of the earth

Scum of the earth.

Right up there with murderers etc.

The self righteous loving couples (that have sex with strangers) do make me laugh.

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her.

Hate cheaters....scum of the earth

Scum of the earth.

Right up there with murderers etc.

The self righteous loving couples (that have sex with strangers) do make me laugh.

grand, so that means we can still be self righteous.

woo hoo!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her.

Hate cheaters....scum of the earth

Scum of the earth.

Right up there with murderers etc.

The self righteous loving couples (that have sex with strangers) do make me laugh.

grand, so that means we can still be self righteous.

woo hoo!"

oral sex counts

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her.

Hate cheaters....scum of the earth

Scum of the earth.

Right up there with murderers etc.

The self righteous loving couples (that have sex with strangers) do make me laugh.

grand, so that means we can still be self righteous.

woo hoo!

oral sex counts

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! lol

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

How about you stop cheating on her. Maybe she'll have more time for you and maybe you'll have more time to be romantic, etc with her.

Hate cheaters....scum of the earth

Scum of the earth.

Right up there with murderers etc.

The self righteous loving couples (that have sex with strangers) do make me laugh.

grand, so that means we can still be self righteous.

woo hoo!

oral sex counts

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! lol"

try telling that to people that wont meet us because 'soft is a waste of time' lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I always find this subject soooo sad... Som1 close 2 me has this problem & unfortunately ther r underlying issues... Hav u ever thought of counselling?? Think it's awful when a woman doesn't enjoy her sexuality & 4 the partner must b so frustrating... It really is so important in a relationship 2 b on the same page sexually

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

"OOOPS!!! sorry he's 55 in Sept and i'm 51 in January !! xx"

You are both straight with each other. you are not cheats. What most people object to is the deceit .... not the sex.

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By *histler21 OP Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

"And id also like to ask the OP if your Mrs did go and get help and did suddenly get a sex dive would you stop shagging other people?

Would it be easy for you after all this time of playing away to just stop and be faithful to your wife?"

If we started having sex again - yes, I would categorically stop looking elsewhere.

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

"And id also like to ask the OP if your Mrs did go and get help and did suddenly get a sex dive would you stop shagging other people?

Would it be easy for you after all this time of playing away to just stop and be faithful to your wife?

If we started having sex again - yes, I would categorically stop looking elsewhere.

you still havent answered the question of why it has taken you 30 years to decide the lack of sex is leading you to cheat.

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

Putting someone whos unfaithful on equal footing with murders another human being? REALLY....NO REALLY?

FUCK ME IT GETS WORSE ON HERE EVERYDAY!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

interesting that your highly tactile & proficient in oral, given the fact that it never occurs in the marital bed ! has "she" always been disinterested in sex ? even before marriage ?

if so , begs all sorts of questions, if not, raises all sorts of other questions ! such a serious issue requires professional assistance, not amateur speculation. spend more time with her and a therapist instead of seeking sympathy and contacts on here ! you are so busted !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Putting someone whos unfaithful on equal footing with murders another human being? REALLY....NO REALLY?

FUCK ME IT GETS WORSE ON HERE EVERYDAY!

Insecurity breeds contempt!

Mind the catholic church thinks all swingers are heathens had should have cunts sown up and cocks lopped off.

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By *histler21 OP Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

"And id also like to ask the OP if your Mrs did go and get help and did suddenly get a sex dive would you stop shagging other people?

Would it be easy for you after all this time of playing away to just stop and be faithful to your wife?

If we started having sex again - yes, I would categorically stop looking elsewhere.

you still havent answered the question of why it has taken you 30 years to decide the lack of sex is leading you to cheat."

No - sex stopped about 6 or 7 years ago.

To start with, I took up masturbating. That was OK for a while - but there is no emotional involvement by someone else. And, to be honest, it feels so much better if someone else does that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Im going to be totally honest about my opinion on this now and it may ruffle a few fethers but when have i ever cared about that lol

But why should this women go and get help with her sex drive to keep him happy, if shes never had a sex diver and is ok in herself with that why should she change

he hasnt go without sex for her, hes just go and got it else where so why should she change for him?

"
ooooooo never had a sex diver either, sounds kinky, any offers?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is a post I read on a site that is basically a support group for people in sexless marriages. It really hits home how utterly futile living in a sexless marriage can be. I know the OP of this thread doesn't want to leave his wife but have a read below and see if there is any synergy there.

Happy to pm the site link if anyone wants it.

For the first ten years, it was pretty standard fare. I wanted, and she refused. I wanted desperately, I tried everything and anything. I really loved her, and wanted things to work at any cost. I couldn't understand why things weren't happening. How could she not reciprocate? How could her style of love be so different?

A little more than a year ago I started to give up. I started to withdraw from my wife a bit more and focus on myself. About six months ago I stopped any attempts at initiating sex, intimacy or touching. More recently, I was surprised to discover that I no longer found my wife attractive. For the first time since I met her, I couldn't think of her in a sexual way. Yes, technically she was still attractive. All her attributes were the same, physically nothing had changed, but I just couldn't see her as "attractive" anymore.

Now it's easy to go without sex with her because I no longer find her attractive. I broke the habit. Then in a moment of clarity, I realized I was now as detached and uninterested in her sexually as she'd behaved for our whole marriage. Wow. I finally found out why she hasn't been interested in me all these years, I finally know how she feels. This has been a HUGE turning point for me. She really never loved me the way I loved her, the way I needed to be loved. I'm angry that she just didn't tell me that she felt this way. Why did she lie and make excuses all these years? That one I may never figure out, and as is often said here, the "why" does not matter. Experiencing this feeling of relative indifference to her has been enlightening, and will be a key element in moving forward.

Your refuser really doesn't love you. If you can't get your head around it, try thinking of a relative (brother or sister) and the feeling that you have for them is pretty close to what your refuser feels for you. It seems simple and obvious now, but I just wasn't getting it before. So wonder they avoid sex with you at all costs! There's nothing to fix here.

Your sexless marriage isn't a case of them inadequately expressing how they feel about you, it's a case of them expressing exactly how they feel about you.

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By *els_BellsWoman
over a year ago

with the moon n stars somewhere in gtr manc

Ok, to the OP. I am glad you postesd this and wasn't too hammered by the anti cheatin.g brigade.

I know it is hard and I wish you all the best.

I am in a similar predicament but have stopped seeing other people. Yes I have cheated a couple of times which is wrong, and I am trying my hardest to get things right but it isnt easy.

I admit I am envious of couples on here who get to have fun, or singles who get to enjoy this lifestyle.

I admit, I am not one of those, as have only had one dual meet from here even though I only want to experiment.

I have been with my OH for 15 years, and sex wasnt a thing initially even though we both enjoyed it. But since having my little one 3 years ago, he isnt interested as he wasnt that interested before. Have tried everything but nothing helps.

I have decided I am just here to chat, nothing more as after my meet I felt awful. I ultimately want to feel sexy and not just feel like a mum.

IF thats so bad, ban me or block, but good luclk to original poster, I know how you feel xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

this has had to be one of the most interesting forum subjects i have ever encountered .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok, to the OP. I am glad you postesd this and wasn't too hammered by the anti cheatin.g brigade.

I know it is hard and I wish you all the best.

I am in a similar predicament but have stopped seeing other people. Yes I have cheated a couple of times which is wrong, and I am trying my hardest to get things right but it isnt easy.

I admit I am envious of couples on here who get to have fun, or singles who get to enjoy this lifestyle.

I admit, I am not one of those, as have only had one dual meet from here even though I only want to experiment.

I have decided I am just here to chat, nothing more as after my meet I felt awful. I ultimately want to feel sexy and not just feel like a mum.

IF thats so bad, ban me or block, but good luclk to original poster, I know how you feel xx"

See other men and enjoy yourself, dont feel guilty lifes too short. your husbands the one who should feel guilty if anything.When you get older you will regret that you have not enjoyed yourself the way you should.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok, to the OP. I am glad you postesd this and wasn't too hammered by the anti cheatin.g brigade.

I know it is hard and I wish you all the best.

I am in a similar predicament but have stopped seeing other people. Yes I have cheated a couple of times which is wrong, and I am trying my hardest to get things right but it isnt easy.

I admit I am envious of couples on here who get to have fun, or singles who get to enjoy this lifestyle.

I admit, I am not one of those, as have only had one dual meet from here even though I only want to experiment.

I have decided I am just here to chat, nothing more as after my meet I felt awful. I ultimately want to feel sexy and not just feel like a mum.

IF thats so bad, ban me or block, but good luclk to original poster, I know how you feel xx

Life's too short to be miserable. Xx

Wishy, brilliant post from the other site. Xx

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"this has had to be one of the most interesting forum subjects i have ever encountered . "

I liked it too, mainly because there was only one "let's hang the cheaters" post and the rest gave their advice to a problem that for the grace of god anyone of us could have ended up in.

I feel lucky to be in a different position.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is fulfilling sex really that important in a loving relationship for it to continue?

Only the OP can answer and decide on that.

To me, sex is important, however, so is shared interests, values, aspirations, emotional attachment and romantic love.

IMHO, sex is just one of the many flames that keeps a relationship going. If other flames start to go out too, then it may be time to take stock and evaluate whether what is left is worth keeping.

Good luck!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"this has had to be one of the most interesting forum subjects i have ever encountered .

I liked it too, mainly because there was only one "let's hang the cheaters" post and the rest gave their advice to a problem that for the grace of god anyone of us could have ended up in.

I feel lucky to be in a different position."

So now you're trying to tempt him with sexual positions!! Leave the poor man alone he's had enough stick

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"this has had to be one of the most interesting forum subjects i have ever encountered .

I liked it too, mainly because there was only one "let's hang the cheaters" post and the rest gave their advice to a problem that for the grace of god anyone of us could have ended up in.

I feel lucky to be in a different position."

I'm quite surprised it hasnt ended in a 'you dirty cheating bastard' thread, especially with a man being the OP. Bravo forumites

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By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter

"Is fulfilling sex really that important in a loving relationship for it to continue?

Only the OP can answer and decide on that.

To me, sex is important, however, so is shared interests, values, aspirations, emotional attachment and romantic love.

IMHO, sex is just one of the many flames that keeps a relationship going. If other flames start to go out too, then it may be time to take stock and evaluate whether what is left is worth keeping.

Good luck!

Yes indeed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years)....

"In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......"

Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP.

Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

"this has had to be one of the most interesting forum subjects i have ever encountered .

I liked it too, mainly because there was only one "let's hang the cheaters" post and the rest gave their advice to a problem that for the grace of god anyone of us could have ended up in.

I feel lucky to be in a different position.

I'm quite surprised it hasnt ended in a 'you dirty cheating bastard' thread, especially with a man being the OP. Bravo forumites

I agree it has been a good discussion.

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By *iles3659Man
over a year ago

Stafford

I've read part - but not yet all of this thread - I will be reading the rest.

But I felt I wanted to add my own twopennyworth which is much the same as the OP.

I think Wyrdwoman hit it on the head. She doesn't fancy me. I've known that for a while. Her reasons for getting married weren't physical - they were about security and certainty. And I've provided those.

We have two children whom I would hurt by leaving. And I couldn't do that.

So I'm trapped. I'm in "lack of sex" hell - but the hell of getting out is worse.

Hmmmm ... at least the sun's out.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

Honest to God..... really ......seriously....

I did not think that people got married for sex.

Im always amazed at the people who lament the lack of it to the point of disrespecting their partner.

Using the requirements of life it's just not necessary ... air, water, food , shelter, warmth, love - i forget any others....

Arguably it can come under love - but I think the world is fucked up on the confusion of those two anyhow.

I'd miss sex too but wouldn't consider it more important than someone I love.

I do sometimes think that people say, 'we don't have sex anymore. ' when in fact they haven't done ANYTHING together for ages at all but only mention the sex. Intimacy , fun , laughs n love all sustain relationships more than sex.

I'd leave if I was deprived of food ..... but sex.....hmmmmmm

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

Im always amazed at the people who lament the lack of it to the point of disrespecting their partner.

granny hits nail on head again with this.....

in this entire conversation people seem to be forgetting that there are two people.... and one of them made a cold calculating decision to be here and meet people...

as I keep saying... how does one person in this situation be here and meet without the other persons knowledge help the situation in any way, shape or form?

I am seeing lots of justifications for being here... and lots of people who think they are "bulletproof"... oh I am so discreet I won't get caught!, oh my situation is different because...

so its in fact saving marriages then... my god how selfless you are.....

reality check time ..... so what would likely happen "if" the other half did find out? really, truely, honestly.....

why would you potentially want to crush the person you profess to love more than any in the world......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Im always amazed at the people who lament the lack of it to the point of disrespecting their partner.

granny hits nail on head again with this.....

in this entire conversation people seem to be forgetting that there are two people.... and one of them made a cold calculating decision to be here and meet people...

as I keep saying... how does one person in this situation be here and meet without the other persons knowledge help the situation in any way, shape or form?

I am seeing lots of justifications for being here... and lots of people who think they are "bulletproof"... oh I am so discreet I won't get caught!, oh my situation is different because...

so its in fact saving marriages then... my god how selfless you are.....

reality check time ..... so what would likely happen "if" the other half did find out? really, truely, honestly.....

why would you potentially want to crush the person you profess to love more than any in the world......

....also makes you wonder if the 'cheated on one' would be quite as devoted, or would they punt someone out the door?

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

We have two children whom I would hurt by leaving. And I couldn't do that.

Just picked up on this part.......my parents stayed together "for the sake of the chilren" until my youngest siblings were 18 (I'm the eldest, 7 years between me and the youngest and I left home at 17), I knew from age 14 that my Dad was having an affair....my Mam drank a lot, as the oldest she took her frustrations out on me, she could be really nasty and I couldn't wait to get my own place with my boyfriend (who I eventually married).....there were loads of issues with us kids, but from a perspective of a lot of years down the line, I reckon we'd have been a lot happier if our parents split when we were younger......For the record, my Dad still financially supports my Mam even though they've never divorced and not been together for well over 20 years, I love and respect both of them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years)....

"In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......"

Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP.

Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out

Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote .....

This isnt a dating site, he isnt looking for a long term relationship, he is looking simply for occasional sex. It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her.

Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating?

I have been in the OPs position with an ex ..... I got out after trying everything I could to make it work. Not an easy position to be in and hopefully one most of you that condemn will never find yourself in.

To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years)....

"In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......"

Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP.

Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out

Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote .....

Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating?

To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do

welcome and a great post

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By *reelove1969Couple
over a year ago

bristol

absolutely .. we meet only single fellas and i have slept with numerous .. i have always left emotions at the door step and although weve both made lots of great friends there has and neva will be an emotional attachment. The guy is not having an emotional affair .. but simply satisfying a need that is present in all of us for sex

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years)....

"In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......"

Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP.

Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out

Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote .....

Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating?

To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do

welcome and a great post

_iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction...

"It all depends what the person being cheated on deems as cheating to be classed as cheating. It isnt for us to judge what is cheating...thats for himself and his wife to decide if he wants to discuss it with her. "

nice concept... except that the minute he made, again repeating it, a cold and calculating decision to come on here behind the person he professes to love more than any others back and started meeting people..... he took that decision out of her hands.... he made that decision for both of them! some would see that as a selfish.....

wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on.....

I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them"

I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made....

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years)....

"In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......"

Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP.

Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out

Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote .....

Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating?

To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do

welcome and a great post

_iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction...

wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on.....

I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them"

I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made.... "

No offence taken at all

I truly believe that professional help is the best way forward, if sex is so very, very important for the gentlemen, he needs to explain that and seek help to facilitate the way forward.. but the both of them owe it to each other to open up and HONEST.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

reality check time ..... so what would likely happen "if" the other half did find out? really, truely, honestly.....

why would you potentially want to crush the person you profess to love more than any in the world......

Crush? Crush? Why would the one in a sexless marriage responsible for it being sexless feel crushed?

People would do well to remember their wedding vows many years later when they decide they don't want to have sex with their spouse any more. To my mind it is a breach of contract and a man or woman is perfectly entitled to seek sex elsewhere if his/her partner has declared their own sex life to be over, (by either word or deed). Why should one person live a life of forced celibacy just because another person is happy to? Additionally, why should a man lose daily access to his kids because he got caught 'playing away' looking for physical contact with another human being in order to make himself feel like part of the human race?

Personally, I'd tell my wife that I need sex in my life and if she doesn't want it anymore I consider myself to be single in that respect but still part of a marriage, if that's what she wanted. If she said she didn't want that she'd have to either start having sex with me again or start living as a single mum.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years)....

"In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......"

Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP.

Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out

Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote .....

Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating?

To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do

welcome and a great post

_iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction...

wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on.....

I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them"

I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made....

No offence taken at all

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

reality check time ..... so what would likely happen "if" the other half did find out? really, truely, honestly.....

why would you potentially want to crush the person you profess to love more than any in the world......

Crush? Crush? Why would the one in a sexless marriage responsible for it being sexless feel crushed?

actually i agree with that right upto the point where you said if she didnt like the fact you was having sex with others she'd have to start having sex again.....seriously would you really want to be having sex with someone who didnt want it and was only doing it to stop you playing away, personally id feel like i was raping someone who was having sex with me under those conditions, id sooner just walk away than put someone im suppose to love under that pressure and mentally force them into having sex with me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

reality check time ..... so what would likely happen "if" the other half did find out? really, truely, honestly.....

why would you potentially want to crush the person you profess to love more than any in the world......

Crush? Crush? Why would the one in a sexless marriage responsible for it being sexless feel crushed?

Agree with the above.

There are 2 people in a marriage, not 1. I wouldn't force someone to have sex with me (unless he was cuffed to the bed and blindfolded....) but I do think it's unfair to blame one person and not the other.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What I'm trying to convey in my heavy-handed way is that she would be given a choice, if she wanted the marriage to continue, and that choice would be to restart our sex life or separate. If she made the decision that she wanted the marriage to continue then she'd know the conditions attached to that. So, if we started having sex again it would be with her complicity, not against her wishes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have yet to come across any relationship breakup where the decision is taken jointly.

Usually one person decides enough is enough and wants to break free.

The other could be completely in the dark not knowing something had been brewing for some time, and the break up would hurt deeply.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

But in those conditions she would probably only be having sex because if she didn't she would lose you....which isn't a good thing, for either party.

Would you really want sex with someone who is only doing it after an ultimatum and not because she actually wants to?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

But in those conditions she would probably only be having sex because if she didn't she would lose you....which isn't a good thing, for either party.

Would you really want sex with someone who is only doing it after an ultimatum and not because she actually wants to?"

No I wouldn't, but if you read between the lines about what I said it's not just an ultimatum about sex is it? It's more about saving the marriage as a whole, and sex is one part of that. Faced with such an ultimatum could be the wake-up call some people need to have a really good look at their lives and decide if they want a relationship to continue or end.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

But in those conditions she would probably only be having sex because if she didn't she would lose you....which isn't a good thing, for either party.

Would you really want sex with someone who is only doing it after an ultimatum and not because she actually wants to?

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

[Removed by poster at 22/07/12 21:27:02]

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk.

Now ok, I think that is a better thing to do than sneak behind her back, but nevertheless, that is what you were saying on your post....and if the woman has no desire to have sex no matter how much she loved her husband, then she would be doing it just to keep him or lose him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I shall always remember the hurt my ex-hubby felt when he discovered that I still liked sex, just not with him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk.

If a woman realy loves her husband she will do anything for him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If a woman realy loves her husband she will do anything for him."

Nonsense..what is it? the 17th Century?

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk.

If a woman realy loves her husband she will do anything for him."

Even if it was something she didn't want to do? And would the husband really want a wife who does something out of duty?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk.

Ok, maybe I'm missing the part that says that someone can be in love with someone but not want to have a physical relationship with that person. I cannot comprehend that. It simply doesn't compute with me at all as I believe wholeheartedly that the physical closeness of a sexual relationship cements the whole union and when sex is withdrawn, to me, it's a statement that basically says "I don't fancy you anymore." And that's when I would walk.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If a woman realy loves her husband she will do anything for him.

Nonsense..what is it? the 17th Century?"

I cant help the way i feel.

why is it so wrong anyway?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 22/07/12 21:38:09]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If a woman realy loves her husband she will do anything for him.

Nonsense..what is it? the 17th Century?

I cant help the way i feel.

why is it so wrong anyway?"

Maybe a better way of putting it would be that if she loves him she'd want to please him anyway, and vice versa.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk.

Do those rules also apply if through illness and/or disability that person loses their sex drive? They still love you just as much and you love them. The willingness to feel desire is still there but it can't be felt? Or, they still desire you but physically can't do anything about it?

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

[Removed by poster at 22/07/12 21:40:39]

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

If a woman realy loves her husband she will do anything for him.

Nonsense..what is it? the 17th Century?

I cant help the way i feel.

why is it so wrong anyway?"

She'd do anything? Rob a bank? Eat bad food? Swing when she doesn't want to?

Women have as much right to express their feelings within a relationship as men, and if she is made to feel unhappy, then something is wrong. And the same goes for men. We are equal in this country (at least I blimmin' hope so!)

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

If a woman realy loves her husband she will do anything for him.

Nonsense..what is it? the 17th Century?

I cant help the way i feel.

why is it so wrong anyway?"

And, equally, if a man truly loves his wife he will do anything for her.

The comments have not come from a sense of equality and fairness being exercised in the relationship but from the fact that there is a deception in the OP case and an ultimatum in the Wishy statement.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

split.I was like you two years ago.I'm sorry but being "comfortable" and liking to cuddle someone is something you can get from a nice pet.

If there is no sex,you aren't in a relationship.You are friends in the same house.

I left my hubby and have never been happier..single but every day is an adventure now..He was devastated initially but is now happy with a woman who shares his low sex drive.

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By *rAdventurerMan
over a year ago

Richmond

Very interesting and i will be reading more of the thread later this week!

My _iews are this - If either Man or Woman in a relationship whether they be married or otherwise want more sex than they are currently getting or less then this needs to be discussed and hopefully a solution found. Even if that means going off with someone else to fulfill that need. The main thing is to keep it all above board and Talk about it!

There is no reason why anyone should feel guilty about their sexual need or ashamed. I think everyone should have the freedom of choice and be upfront about it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can never love anyone enough to forego my freedom, independence and values that I hold dear.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Everyone ends up doing what they don't want at times. Tell her you don't like your job so no housekeeping, get stuff into context. Ultimatums are the best rout! Trust me I'm divorced.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

pmsl muffmuncher.what century do you come from? "housekeeping??"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can never love anyone enough to forego my freedom, independence and values that I hold dear.

Agreed!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"pmsl muffmuncher.what century do you come from? "housekeeping??"

pmsl....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I can never love anyone enough to forego my freedom, independence and values that I hold dear.

tra's and my relationship in independent and interdependant and we share the same values.that's probably why after 31 years we still love each other to bits

the sex stuff? it's just that...stuff

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk.

I mentionned that to my Grandad Wishy, he agrres with you and said he would walk too. If he could.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk.

Illness etc can put you off sex. I sincerely hope I'd pick a man who loved me enough, understood and put our life and love above a temporary loss of libido.

As for the op, personally don't see his problem. He knew 30 years ago his wife wasn't interested in sex so hardly a revelation!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

bet the OP wishes he had never posted this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk.

Illness etc can put you off sex. I sincerely hope I'd pick a man who loved me enough, understood and put our life and love above a temporary loss of libido.

As for the op, personally don't see his problem. He knew 30 years ago his wife wasn't interested in sex so hardly a revelation!"

No? Well some people dont develop there sexual identity later in life do they. don't think 90% of people here were swinging within a month of getting married. Blinkers off is a really good way to see more on life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"But that is the problem you say will cost your marriage, if she doesn't give you it you would walk.

I think the key part of my statement was "not WANT to have a physical relationship with that person" - I didn't mention not being able to have a physical relationship as that doesn't involve a choice.

Take my own situation: Siren has either been pregnant or breastfeeding for the best part of three years and her sex drive has fallen throught the floor. She hasn't WANTED to have sex. Yes, it's been tough on our relationship but I understand the enormous demands childbearing has had on her body, coupled with the insane tiredness she's felt, but with our youngest now 7 months old and weaning onto bottled milk/solids, Siren now feels ready to restart our sex life. I am still here because I love her and our children, but if we're not having regular sex twelve months from now I shall be asking serious questions about the nature of our relationship. Will it have fundamentally changed so much so that we're no longer lovers? The answer to that one question will tell me what to do from that point on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Everyone ends up doing what they don't want at times. Tell her you don't like your job so no housekeeping, get stuff into context. Ultimatums are the best rout! Trust me I'm divorced.

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years)....

"In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......"

Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP.

Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out

Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote .....

Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating?

To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do

welcome and a great post

_iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction...

wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on.....

I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them"

I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made.... "

meaning no offence, but IF the OP thought coming on here and having sex with random strangers, would not be deemed 'cheating' by his partner, then he would not be keeping it secret, and neither would anyone else.

people can justify it how they like:

its about security

its for the kids

its just sex

WHATEVER!

IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not.

thats putting the decision back in their hands

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

even with breach of contract, communication has to be made about any proceedings to take further action.

to just decide yourself to take matters into your own pants and seek something missing UNDER CONTRACT elsewhere, would be breaching that self same contract (as well as shattering those vows you spoke of).

said it before, say it again, let the OH decide whats wrong by telling them what you intend to do.

IF they love you, in a platonic way, and are happy for you to be getting the physical attention you crave elsewhere, then thats fine and dandy, i wouldnt judge anyone for that (have met a few people at parties and clubs that live like this, and although its a wierd way as far as we are concerned, they say it saves their marriage, and they are both happy).

like has been said before, its not people having sex with others that people find deplorable, its the deviousness of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years)....

"In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......"

Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP.

Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out

Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote .....

Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating?

To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do

welcome and a great post

_iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction...

wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on.....

I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them"

I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made....

people can justify it how they like:

its about security

its for the kids

its just sex

WHATEVER!

IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not.

thats putting the decision back in their hands"

Almost everything is wrong in someone's book so its a bit rich to preach. How many millions would say swinging is an ultimate sin and believe it from their heart. But hey they really don't know your, mine or others circumstances here. Pretty much like you me and all others reading here don't really know but a fraction of whistlers situation. Far be it for us to tell someone else they are wrong without being judged a hypocrite in others eyes.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

Wishy didn't say he would cheat, he said he would walk away.

The thread apart from a blip in the middle has been a great advice thread.

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years)....

"In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......"

Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP.

Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out

Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote .....

Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating?

To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do

welcome and a great post

_iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction...

wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on.....

I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them"

I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made....

people can justify it how they like:

its about security

its for the kids

its just sex

WHATEVER!

IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not.

thats putting the decision back in their hands

the difference between us, you (maybe) and people generally on this site (moreso couples than singles, but singles too in some respects) is it is a MUTUALLY CONCLUDED DECISION.

if op, and many others, had sat the OH down, said 'look, i need sex. we will give it a try o reinvigorate our sexlife, but if it doesnt happen, then im afraid i will need to look elsewhere. i sitll love you and dont want to lose you, hence we are having this conversation. i have contacted a marriage counciller and we can go when you feel ready'

thats coming to a decision as a loving, mutually respectful, couple.

its not preeching, its giving the marriage every chance of survival.

if the OH doesnt WANT to sort the problems in the marriage, then they dont care enough about the relationship, and you can make moves to either get out of it, or get what you want.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years)....

"In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......"

Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP.

Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out

Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote .....

Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating?

To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do

welcome and a great post

_iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction...

wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on.....

I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them"

I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made....

people can justify it how they like:

its about security

its for the kids

its just sex

WHATEVER!

IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not.

thats putting the decision back in their hands

the difference between us, you (maybe) and people generally on this site (moreso couples than singles, but singles too in some respects) is it is a MUTUALLY CONCLUDED DECISION.

thats coming to a decision as a loving, mutually respectful, couple.

its not preeching, its giving the marriage every chance of survival.

if the OH doesnt WANT to sort the problems in the marriage, then they dont care enough about the relationship, and you can make moves to either get out of it, or get what you want."

LOOK using CAPITALS firstly is a little crass. Secondly you are preaching and you really don't have a clue about the real state of whistlers situation. Its a troubled post by someone who is in an difficult situation. Now if I follow suit and make snap judgements like yourself I would say you come across as being very insecure in your relationship and there is a degree of mistrust between you. You see we can all make assumptions.

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By *rAdventurerMan
over a year ago

Richmond

"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years)....

"In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......"

Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP.

Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out

Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote .....

Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating?

To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do

welcome and a great post

_iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction...

wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on.....

I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them"

I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made....

people can justify it how they like:

its about security

its for the kids

its just sex

WHATEVER!

IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not.

thats putting the decision back in their hands

the difference between us, you (maybe) and people generally on this site (moreso couples than singles, but singles too in some respects) is it is a MUTUALLY CONCLUDED DECISION.

thats coming to a decision as a loving, mutually respectful, couple.

its not preeching, its giving the marriage every chance of survival.

if the OH doesnt WANT to sort the problems in the marriage, then they dont care enough about the relationship, and you can make moves to either get out of it, or get what you want.

At the end of the day it is about how the OP feels and he must talk to his wife about the situation and the fact that he is on this site. The last thing he wants is to be caught out/discovered using this site.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 23/07/12 12:17:35]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I feel he's on here but wishes he wasn't and I think that's most people on here who are in relationships are in here because they sadly don't get that intimacy at home.

I hope the OP does sort it out and finds closure x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What about the issue of forced celibacy on one partner by the other?

Why does one person have to give up a sex life because his/her partner has decided that they no longer want to have sex (with him/her/anyone). We're only on this planet once and I see no reason why a person shouldn't seek sex elsewhere if his/her chosen partner has withdrawn it. It's a bit rich to say to someone, "you can't fuck me anymore, but you can't fuck anyone else either."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years)....

"In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......"

Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP.

Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out

Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote .....

Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating?

To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do

welcome and a great post

_iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction...

wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on.....

I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them"

I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made....

people can justify it how they like:

its about security

its for the kids

its just sex

WHATEVER!

IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not.

thats putting the decision back in their hands

the difference between us, you (maybe) and people generally on this site (moreso couples than singles, but singles too in some respects) is it is a MUTUALLY CONCLUDED DECISION.

thats coming to a decision as a loving, mutually respectful, couple.

its not preeching, its giving the marriage every chance of survival.

if the OH doesnt WANT to sort the problems in the marriage, then they dont care enough about the relationship, and you can make moves to either get out of it, or get what you want.

(closed, thread got too big)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do we really have to have all this quoting and requoting? EDIT EDIT EDIT!

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years)....

"In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......"

Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP.

Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out

Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote .....

Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating?

To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do

welcome and a great post

_iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction...

wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on.....

I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them"

I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made....

people can justify it how they like:

its about security

its for the kids

its just sex

WHATEVER!

IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not.

thats putting the decision back in their hands

the difference between us, you (maybe) and people generally on this site (moreso couples than singles, but singles too in some respects) is it is a MUTUALLY CONCLUDED DECISION.

thats coming to a decision as a loving, mutually respectful, couple.

its not preeching, its giving the marriage every chance of survival.

if the OH doesnt WANT to sort the problems in the marriage, then they dont care enough about the relationship, and you can make moves to either get out of it, or get what you want.

the use f constant capitals is a little crass, i agree. the use of capitals to emphasise certain words is what literacy is all about.

please show me where any of my posts suggests i am insecure about my relationship?

even generalisations have to have a small amount of truth to hang on to.

i am not saying anything more than others have already posted on this thread, so why are you actually attacking me personally?

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

"What about the issue of forced celibacy on one partner by the other?

absolutely agree, BUT you quoted vows and contracts, and to go off to find something you arent getting under that contract, is in itself a breach of it.

thats why communication is so important.

as you have stated yourself, you have talked to siren about the situation, and understand her position in the time.

however, if the tables were turned, would you accept siren to be going off with anyone else behind your back because your job has become too stressful, long hours and so on?

i really dont think so, mate.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"What about the issue of forced celibacy on one partner by the other?

It's a bit rich to say to someone, "you can't fuck me anymore, but you can't fuck anyone else either.""

I do agree with this point.

This not refer to you Wishy or any of your posts on this subject. I get approached by married men all the time and they go through my difficult bint counselling programme if they choose to contact me. I have found that for a majority of them it is one rule for them and another for their wife. Nearly all have said that they would be devastated if they found their wife on here or that she was having an affair. Even the ones that say they know they wouldn't be able to blame her as they are the ones witholding sex in the marriage.

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By *ovedupstillCouple
over a year ago

mullinwire

"Do we really have to have all this quoting and requoting? EDIT EDIT EDIT!

wish i read this first lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just remembered something that 'Dr Phil' used to say on his programme (not seen it for years)....

"In a relationship, if the sex is right, it's 10% of the relationship. If it's not right, it's 90%......"

Occurs to me that it's well up at the 90% end for the OP.

Good luck mate - hope you can sort it out

Rarely post in the forums but had to applaud the above quote .....

Having been cheated on the one thing I couldnt forgive was the fact he shared his soul with someone not his cock. So is it a physical act or a mental connection or both thats cheating?

To the OP ..... do only what you are comfortable with and good luck in what ever you decide to do

welcome and a great post

_iew... no offence... I am going to disagree... and I take out the bit and explain why it is a contridiction...

wouldn't the time to have had that discussion be before he ventured on.....

I am not going to change my _iew because I have seen the effects on the "person who had that decision taken from them"

I have seen it crush people... I have seen the ultimate effects others decisions have made....

people can justify it how they like:

its about security

its for the kids

its just sex

WHATEVER!

IF you dont believe what you are doing is WRONG, sit your OH down at the kitchen table and tell her/him what you are doing, then let THEM decide whether its wrong or not.

thats putting the decision back in their hands

the difference between us, you (maybe) and people generally on this site (moreso couples than singles, but singles too in some respects) is it is a MUTUALLY CONCLUDED DECISION.

thats coming to a decision as a loving, mutually respectful, couple.

its not preeching, its giving the marriage every chance of survival.

if the OH doesnt WANT to sort the problems in the marriage, then they dont care enough about the relationship, and you can make moves to either get out of it, or get what you want.

the use f constant capitals is a little crass, i agree. the use of capitals to emphasise certain words is what literacy is all about.

please show me where any of my posts suggests i am insecure about my relationship?

even generalisations have to have a small amount of truth to hang on to.

i am not saying anything more than others have already posted on this thread, so why are you actually attacking me personally?"

No I am 100% sure you are insecure!!

Ok I'm not attacking you any more than you are the thread starter what I am doing is making a point. I think the thread starter is probably I some turmoil, he will have only hinted ad a fragment of his situation and its pointless castigating him where he could really do with some constructive advice.

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Serious subject - no sex at home